Pure Clarity


Spring 98’

“What are you doing?” Justin slurred, watching Nicole bend in front of him. “Nickyyy…” he whined His head falling back against the couch. “Are we home?” he asked, letting his eyes shut .

“Yes.” was Nicole answer.

He opened his eyes again, trying to lift his head back up. “What’re you doin?” he slurred once again. “Why are you taking off my shoes?” he asked her, finally lifting his head back up, and glancing down as Nicole pulled his shoes off.

“Because your going to sleep.” she informed him, taking the right shoe off as well.

“Fuck…” he mumbled, leaning right into her, pressing his forehead against her shoulder . He moaned slightly. “Fuck…I’m so drunk.”

“Yea.” was her response. “That’s why I’m trying to get you to lay down.”

“Cause I’m drunk?” he asked her, his forehead still pressed against her shoulder. “Shit, Nicky…my mom cant see me this way…okay? She-she just cant…” he spat out. “We have to be quiet. Shh.” lifting his head, and placing a finger to his lips. “Shh.”

Nicole snorted back her laughter. He was amusing to watch when he got drunk. She never really got to see it, but when he got drunk, it was show. It made for some interesting stories for the next day, even weeks…

“Lynn isn’t going to find out.” she reassured him.

“I know…we have to be shh…” his finger still pressed to his lips. “She would go ape shit on me if she found out I was still drinking.” he told her. “I told her I was going to stop for awhile.” His blue eyes glassy but smiling into her brown ones. “She said I needed to take it shlower…” slurring the last word. “So that means you have to be quiet too..” pressing his forefinger to her lips. “Promise me Nicole.”

“Promise.” she manage to say even with his finger on her lips.

Justin licked his lips. “You have soft lips.” he informed her, his finger still touching her lips.

Nicole chuckled. “Thanks.”

“Your welcome.” he answered happily with a grin, moving his finger from her lips and lightly taping her nose with the tip of his finger. “How did I get soooo drunk?” he mumbled. “So fucking shitfaced!” he exclaimed.

Nicole stood up, and reached down to place both of his long legs on the couch. “I don’t know, you tell me.” she asked him.

“I don’t know. I don’t know Nicky.” licking his dry lips and letting his head drop to the pillows underneath him. “I just member’ a lot of whiskey..” he lifted his head up a little, letting one of his legs drop back to the ground with a thump. “Was there a lot of whiskey?” he asked her.

“Yes.” Nicole answered. “In fact you had most of it.” grunting lightly as she placed his leg back on the couch. She was over him, leaning down, as she reached for the quilt that sat above his head.

“You smell good Nicky.” Justin observed, locking his eyes with her. “Have I mention how pretty you looks?” he slurred, lifting one hand to touch her cheek.

She chuckled. He had mention it plenty of times in the car ride back to her house. “Yea and you are drunk.” she reminded him.

He tilted his head a little. “I might be drunk-but I am not blind.” he told her. “You are sooooooo pretty.” he repeated with a grin. “Your smile always makes me smile Nicky. Always.” he paused. His tone turned serious, as did his face. “I was stupid…” he trailed off. “So fucking stupid.” shutting his eyes once again. “And I know, I know I will pay for it for the rest of my life…”

Nicole placed the quilt over him and stood straight up. “What are you talking about?” she asked him, curiosity getting the best of her. “What will you have to pay for the rest of your life?” Her heart beating a little bit faster.

“For being a dumb ass and letting you go.” he paused to collect his thoughts. He opened his eyes again. “I was stupid.” he slurred. “I had you…and I know I was an idiot. I know it.” he repeated.

“J, your drunk-”

He interrupted her. “I-I had you. You loved me…and I loved you…and I was a-an idiot.” He lifted his head up slightly. “And now when I am on the road…I think of you. I think of us being together.” he slurred.

She had to make him stop. Whether he was drunk or not, she did not need or want to hear any of this. It had been months since they had decided to go back to being just friends- or since he decided that’s what he wanted.

“Go to sleep.” she told him.

But he wasn’t listening, he sat back up, and reached for her hand. “Do you forgive me Nic? For being a jerk?” letting his head drop back on the side of the couch. “Cause I knew I was. I just don’t know- what it was you I wanted…” his words becoming harder to understand.

Nicole turned on the small lap on the table next to the couch. “Go to sleep.” she repeated. Trying her best to ignore the drunken confession he was sharing right at that moment. “Get some rest.” she whispered with a yawn.

“What are you going to do?” he asked her, his glassy blue eyes looking up at her.

“I’m going upstairs and going to bed.” she informed him, turning around to leave, but he suddenly lunged forward to stop her, sending them both crashing to the floor, his grip on her waist. “Justin!” Nicole belted out, coming to a rolling stop, Nicole lying awkwardly on top of him. “Are you crazy?!”

“Why do I have to sleep on the couch…and you, get to sleep in my bed?” he demanded, his grip on her waist tightening.

“Because we are not at your house, you dumb ass.” she informed him, starting to loose her patience with him. From the moment they left the party, she had to deal with his grabby hands, and his drunken remarks, not to mention stopping in the middle of the road to let him puke.

“Then, then were are we?” he asked.

“At my house.” she stated. It hadn’t really matter if she had taken home, neither one their parents were at home anyway. Justin had paid for his mom, and Nicole’s mom to get out of Memphis for the weekend, and Justin’s step-dad was in Florida for the week. “Justin, let go.” she told him.

“If I have to stay down here, then so are you.” Justin told her with a cheekily smile on his handsome face.

“It’s 3 o clock in the morning.” she snapped. “Let go so I can go to bed.”

“No.”

“Let me go Justin.”

He shook his head. “I like having you on top of me this way.”

“Your such an asshole.” Nicole spat out, trying to get up from on top of him, but he just pulled her back down against his chest. She did not want to play games. She was tired, and now annoyed. “I’m serious Timberlake, let go.” she said again. Her heart was racing, but she also knew he was drunk out of his mind, so anything he said or did at that moment meant nothing, because when he sobered up the next day, he would tell her it was a mistake. That he had been drunk, and didn’t know what he was doing.

But Justin didn’t budge. He kept his grip on her. “I thought you liked it when I held you this way.” he asked her, lifting his head up. “No. I know you like it.”

“Stop it.” she pleaded. “Your completely wasted right now.”

Nicole didn’t want to go open that can of worms again. She had just started to get over her feelings for him. She did not need him stirring them up again. Especially when he was drunk. Justin had made it clear 4 months ago that they should go back to being friends.

“And I told you- I am not blind.” he repeated.

Nicole snorted. “What does that have to do with anything? Just let go okay?”

“Why?” he asked inhaling sharply.

“Because. Because I said so. Because you’ve had too much to drink tonight. And I’m tired-” but she was cut short when he flipped her over, so he is hovering on top now. “I’m too tired to play your stupid games.” she snapped.

“Will you shut up?” he said with a smile.

Nicole arched her eyebrow at him. “Don’t make me kick you in the damn balls Timberlake.” she threaten him. “I should have just left you at the stupid party. But no, I had to answer the damn phone…”

But her last words were cut short when he suddenly crashed his soft lips against hers roughly. Nicole gasped, pushing at his chest, as she squirmed underneath him. Not only could she taste the alcohol, but she smelled the cigarettes and weed on his clothes.

“Justin…stop it.” she muttered against his lips, giving his chest a hard shove.

“Nic…” he slurred.

“No. Don’t.” she spat out. “Your wasted.” she paused for a second. “And this is not some kind of game Justin! I’m not some stupid star struck girl-” she stopped, trying to catch her breath.

“I know that babeee…” he told her, his glassy eyes locking with her brown eyes.

“No. You don’t get it. I’m not doing this again.” bit her lower lip. “I have feelings too.” Mustering whatever strength she had, she gripped his waist, and flipped herself over, straddling his waist again. She met his eyes again and pulled herself off him. “I placed some aspirins by the table if you need them in the morning.” she swallowed. “I’m going to bed.” And without saying another word, she walked away from him, leaving him on the floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next morning…

Justin woke up to the smell of hot breath on his face. He opened his eyes, and found himself face to face with the lab dog he had given Nicole for Christmas. “Jinx.” he mumbled. “Get off.” he grunted, trying to lift his head of the floor. But the dog wouldn’t budge, instead it bend his head down, and began licking Justin’s face. “Jinx!” Justin exclaimed. “Stop it!” Quickly sitting up on the couch.

Jinx followed and sat next him on the couch. Barking.

Justin wiped the dog drool with the back of his hand, and looked over at the dog, rubbing the top of his head. “I didn’t mean to yell, you just caught me off guard.” he explained to the dog. “Thanks for the dog drool.” he said dryly.

Jinx barked again.

Justin moved his hand from the dog’s head, and rubbed his face instead. Trying to figure out why he had just woken up on Nicole’s floor. “Where’s your momma? Where’s Nicole?” as if Jinx would answer him. Jinx jumped off the couch, barking as he ran up the stairs. “Jinx!” Justin exclaimed, getting up from the couch, and following the dog up the stairs. “Jinx! If she is asleep don’t go in there.” But the dog wasn’t listening. Justin cursed under his breath, watching as Jinx stood in front of Nicole’s bedroom door. “Jinx!” he whispered desperately. “Don’t go in there.” Looking down at the dog, then at the ajar door. Jinx quickly bumped the ajar door open, barking as he made his way into Nicole’s bedroom. “Damn dog.” Justin muttered under his breath following behind him.

Justin stepped into Nicole’s bedroom, expecting to find her still in bed. But when he looked over to the bed, he realized that she wasn’t in it. He glanced down at Jinx, who stood a few feet from her bed. “Your lucky she’s awake.” he told the dog with a small frown.

Jinx barked again.

“Jinx?” Justin heard Nicole call out from the bathroom. The dog barked louder when he heard Nicole’s voice. The bathroom door flew open and Nicole walked out, a towel wrapped around her body, hair dripping wet. Justin swallowed back nervously. His eyes fixated on how beautiful she looked in the mornings. There was no pretense with her. She looked stunning.

He realized for the first time in months how much he missed her.

She hadn’t seen him yet, she bend down and rubbed the back of Jinx ears as the dog wagged his tail. “I told you to be quiet. Justin is still sleeping and we don’t want to wake him up remember?” Jinx barked again. “He had a rough night.” she told the dog. Jinx wagged his tail and licked her cheek. “Your such a good dog.” she whispered with a small giggle. With a smile still on her face, she finally glanced up, her eyes widening when she saw Justin standing by her bed. Surprise to see him there, she stumbled and landed on her ass on the floor. “You scared me!” she exclaimed, holding the towel tighter around her waist.

Justin couldn’t help but smile as he walked over to her and reached out his hand to her. “Sorry.” he said lamely. She took it, and Justin pulled her up.

“You could’ve have said something.” she said, making sure the towel was still wrapped around her body as she stood face to face.

Justin smirked. “You look engrossed in your conversation with Jinx.” glancing over at the dog, who know sat on the floor next to Nicole’s bed.

“Yea, well you still could have said something.” she snapped.

Justin shrugged. “I said I was sorry.” Trying his best to not keep starring at her. He loved the fact that she wasn’t wearing any make-up and that her hair was wet, it kept leaving drops of water on her soft shoulders.

She nervously moved a strand of wet hair from her face. There was a long silence. Finally she spoke up. “Are you feeling okay?” she asked him, looking over his shoulder.

Justin tried to get her attention, but she wouldn’t look at him. “Yeah. Jinx woke me up with his hot breath.” he teased lamely.

Nicole glanced over at her dog, and wrinkled her nose. “I told him to let you sleep.” she said, finally making eye contact with him.

He shook his head. “Its okay. I guess its my fault for sleeping on the floor.” rubbing the back of his head with his hand.

She giggled. “You slept on the floor?”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Yes.” he paused. “Do you know how or why I ended on the floor?” he asked her. Licking his lips, and wondering how her soft skin would feel against his fingertips. No. Stop. He had to stop. They weren’t together. So he had to stop thinking about her in that way. Even if it killed him.

Her giggle subsided. “You don’t remember?”

“No. Should I?”

She only shrugged and instead asked. “Are you feeling okay?”

Justin gave her a curious look, and nodded. “Yea. Fine.” his eyes locked with hers. “Was I that bad last night?”

Nicole gave him a knowing smile. “We had to stop on the way home because you had to throw up.” she told him.

Justin closed his eyes and groaned. “I’m sorry- wait,” he said. “Were you at the party too?”

She shook her head. “I got a phone call from your cell phone-I don’t know who it was but they asked me to pick you up.”

Great. He cringed. He didn’t remember much of the night. “I made an idiot of myself?” he asked.

Nicole played with the top of the towel. “Not more than usual.” she told him teasingly. “You kept saying to make sure Lynn didn’t find out about you drinking. Made me promise.” she finished with a mischievous smile.

“I think your enjoying this a little too much.” he told her, taking a step closer to her. She bit at her lower lip, shrugging. “Anything else I should know about?” he asked her. There was bits and pieces he remember but not enough. He remembered being at the party and drinking like a damn fish. He remembered someone taking his phone. He remembered getting into a car. He did not remember stopping and puking.

Yet, all of a sudden more events came to focus.

The room was silent. Neither one had said anything in the past few minutes. Nicole spoke up first. “I’m going to change-”

“What else did I do?” interrupting her. What he had said to her came back to him. But he wanted her to tell him.

Nicole shrugged and let out a shaky breath. “Nothing.” she stated, not looking at him.

Justin stepped in closer. “You sure?” he asked. “Because my rambling is coming back to me.”

She looked up at him through her lashes. “If its coming back to you, then you don’t need me to repeat it.” she shook her head slightly. “Besides, you were drunk.”

He ran his thumb down to her bare shoulder. “And since I was drunk, then I didn’t mean it?”

She glared at him now. “Let me refresh your memory, of who you went to the party with: Danielle. Remember her?” she snapped. “I don’t want to play games Justin. I don’t.” she paused. “You made it perfectly clear of who you did and didn’t want.” folding her arms across her chest.

“Like I said last night- I am an idiot.” he said jokingly.

She crinkled her nose. “Cant argue with you there.” She turned on her heels. “I’m need to change-” her sentence was cut short when she felt Justin’s hand take a hold of her elbow and turn her back around to face him. “What now? “ she asked him in an irritated tone.

He grinned. He couldn’t help himself. All he kept thinking about was getting to kiss her again. Only this time, doing it right. Unlike the night before. He knew he shouldn’t But damn her for looking so good right at that moment.

“I’m going to kiss you.” he told her, leaning in closer. His bottom lip lightly touching hers. "I remember doing that last night..." he whispered.

Nicole swallowed, taking a step back. “No.” shaking her head. “You need to get out so I can change and take you to your car.” Licking her lower lip. “So-get out of my room.” she stated with whatever control she had.

But Justin wasn’t budging, he tangled his fingers into her hair, and pulled her mouth to his. “A complete and total idiot.” he whispered into her mouth as he kissed her. Kissed her with everything he had.

She broke away just slightly. “What?”

“Letting you go.” he murmured.

Nicole broke away completely. “No. Just go. Your with Danielle now. And I’m finally moving on, and I-” she was silenced with a kiss. A kiss that was so passionate, filled with a fire that melted her resolve and stopped any further protest. Her lips crashed against his mouth, knocking him back before he regained control, giving as good as he got until they were both breathless.

He broke away for a slight moment. “And I’m not with Danielle.” he told her.

“But you were.” Nicole shot back, trying to catch her breath.

“And that bothers you?” he asked.

She raised her eyebrow at him, shaking her head. “You can do whatever you want. I don’t own you.” She knew she should walk away from him. But he was like a magnet.

“Whatever I want?” he repeated, looking down at her towel covered body. “So if I wanted you right now, you would be okay with that?” he challenged. Deep down, he knew he should stop. Stop it right now. Dear god, she was sixteen. If her mother found out what he wanted to do with her, she would slap him. If his mother found out what they were doing, she would slap him.

“Maybe…” she whispered, her eyes fluttering shut.

“Hmm.” he smirked. “What happen to you not playing games?” he asked in an amused tone.

“I’m not playing games.” she stated, opening her eyes.

“So then what do you want?”

“What do you want?” she restored back. She didn’t wait for an answer. “Obviously, you want us to be friends…but at the same time…”

“At the same time what Nicky?” he asked expectantly. She licked her lips. He answered for her. “At the same time I want you.”

“Yeah.” she whispered.

“And you want me too?”

“Yeah.” she repeated.

“So what do you want us to do?” he asked her, taking a step closer. “Hmm?”

Nicole felt every nerve of her body tingle at his simple words. There was a long silence before she spoke up. “I’m done with putting myself out there.” she told him honestly.

Justin felt a panged of guilt in his chest at her blunt words. He swallowed. “Your only sixteen little girl.” He knew it was his fault for how she was feeling. He had fucked up big time with her. And it was going to haunt him years later.

She shrugged. “I thought it over, and better now than later.” she met his gaze. “Its pure clarity now.”