There was a point in my life where I thought that a new pair of shoes, a new outfit, and a new purse could solve any of my problems.  That was before I met RaShod.  After Justin's presence became scarce I thought that RaShod could fill a bit of the emptiness I felt within me.  And he did, but that semi-filled feeling was short-lived.  I feel completely and utterly empty, more so now than ever.  The hole I used RaShod to fill has not only widened, but it has engulfed my heart.   I have lost the ability to clearly recognize love and have become numb to reality, living life in a web of lies that I have spun to save me from a problem that I never really had.  My selfishness led me to believe that I'd been abandoned when I really hadn't.

No matter how far or how busy, Justin always loved me.

I can't help but to think about the choices I've made every day.

As I park my car at a meter in front of Leo's Café I can already imagine what my best friend Khayla is going to say to me.  She's that one friend that swears they have the answers to all your life problems and she's been that way since we were five.

That's what I get for befriending a smart model rather than a self-absorbed bimbo.

She's sitting at a small table with her big designer sunglasses pushed up over head, keeping her black hair out of her face.  She's on her phone, and though I can't hear what she's saying, I can tell that she's talking to her agent by the way she appears to be yelling.  They have one of those interesting love hate relationships.

I try to appear happy as I approach her to avoid her questions, but I'm sure it's useless because she can read me like a book.  "Hey Khay," I say to her as she hangs up the phone.

She looks at me, smiles, and then stands to hug me.  "Hey Phae."  Her hugs remind me that our friendship has a love beyond question and no matter how much shit I go through or that she has to put up with for me, she's always there.

"What happened to you last night?  You look like someone stole your puppy.  And don't tell me nothing because I know you too well for that bullshit."  I look down at the menu, keeping my sunglasses on to avoid her eyes.  "Have you tried the salmon?"

"Phaedra, stop that."  Khayla takes the menu from me and gives me a stern look.  "Were you talking to F.A. last night?"  F.A. means ‘fuck ass', what she calls Justin, but I asked her not to call him that so she abbreviated it.

"Yeah, but-"

"That boy is lucky he's so busy, otherwise I'd fuck up his trifling ass."

I sigh heavily.  "Khayla..."

"Don't Khayla me.  He's playing you.  Who knows how many girls he's messed around with since he's been away?"  My heart sinks because she's got my situation so backward.  "Why are you staying with him?  I know that you know what he's doing to you because I see it in your face all the time.  Leave him.  He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated this way."

What's even more depressing about her lecture is that Nathan is probably telling Justin the same thing about me right now.

"It's not like that."

"Then tell me what it's like, Phaedra?"  I couldn't tell her that I was cheating on my boyfriend with her ex.  Yes, I said ex.  I couldn't say that I was fucking around on my boyfriend with Khayla's exboyfriend, so I didn't have an answer for her.

"See? You can't even give me an answer because you know I'm right."  If only she knew.

It's not something I planned.  I didn't wake up one morning saying that I was going to cheat on Justin, much less with Khayla's ex.  The first time it just kind of happened.

Tonight is another sucky night.  I've been crying, I feel lonely, I'm horny, I haven't spoken to  Justin since the day before yesterday, and I have six sketches due in two days and I can't even finish one.  There is depressing bullshit playing from the stereo, you know, the Keisha Cole type shit that makes you want to break up with your boyfriend. 

I keep eyeing my phone on the bed, hoping that it'll ring, just so I could hear his voice.  I'm not the type of girl that hangs on her boyfriend's every last word, or waits helplessly by the phone for him to call.  Or, at least I wasn't, but that was before I realized how truly lonely I am in this big house.  Khayla is in Paris for a photo shoot and I don't really have any other friends here.  I moved here for Justin.  I know that he's probably really busy, but that fact doesn't make me feel any better.

And on top of all of that, the AC broke yesterday and it's fucking hot.  I went swimming, but there's only so much time that I can spend in a pool without shriveling up like a soggy raisin.  Since then I've been walking around the house in my bikini with a couple of fans on and drinking a lot of ice water.

When I spoke to Khayla yesterday she told me that her exboyfriend, RaShod, had some electrician skills.  I got his number from her and called him as soon as I could.  He told me that he was going to be here at 4pm.  That was 5 hours ago.  At first I was a little fed up, but then I realized that I should've expected this.

I met him a couple times while he and Khayla were still together and I can say that he wasn't exactly a charmer.  He had this thug like attitude that screamed I don't give a fuck and he didn't wait on her hand and foot like she was used too.  He didn't drive a Benz, take her to five star restaurants, or buy her jewelry.  His idea of a good time was chilling at his place with a movie and a pizza, or hanging out at the mall, or playing some ball.  And it's not that she didn't enjoy the simple things, it's just that she got bored really easily in relationships.  All in all, they just weren't right for each other.

I didn't care one way or another.  If it wasn't meant to be between them then it shouldn't be.  All I know is that if he doesn't show up soon, something crazy is going to go down.  I am not in the mood to deal with any more of this heat.

About 20 minutes and a ton of ugly sketches later I get a call from the gate announcing that RaShod is here.  I throw on some denim shorts and answer the door after I hear the doorbell ring.

"Aye," he says and nods.  I don't even acknowledge his lame attempt at a greeting because I am too hot to care.  I start walking toward the thermostat so that he can figure out what's wrong with it.

"Yeah, hey to too."  He says it dripping with sarcasm.   I can tell that he's annoyed but I really don't care.  "Whatever, RaShod.  You said you were going to be here five hours ago.  You know, I can tolerate ten minutes or even an hour.  But five hours?  You didn't even bother to call."  We finally reach the thermostat and I point to it.  "But it's whatever.  I don't know what the problem is.  I keep trying to change the temperature, but nothing happens."

Once it looks like he's got things under control I go back to the sofa to continue with my sketches.  "You know, you really didn't have to get dressed up, or rather, dressed down for me."  I laugh dryly because he's got to be kidding.  I don't know what he thinks this is, but it's one of those cheesy soap operas where the lonely lady walks around in a skimpy outfit in hopes to catch the handyman's eye.  Well, I was lonely and he is attractive, but I'm not desperate and I'm not a cheater.

I wasn't really paying attention before, but at some point he takes his shirt off and now I'm fully alert.  There's sweat starting to form in the creases that define his well shaped muscles.  It's a little...distracting.

"So what are you doing here in this big house all alone late at night?"  He asked, never taking his eyes off his work.  Is he seriously talking to me right now?  He has some nerve.  I still can't get over the fact that he was five hours late.

"Why were you so late?" I respond.  Sweaty muscles aren't important right now.   He stops what he's doing and looks at me grinning, but with an air of seriousness.  "I had an emergency situation I needed to take care of.  Now answer my question."  That wasn't the answer I was really looking for, but there's no use in arguing with him about it.  Those five hours had come and gone.

"My boyfriend is away working.  Filming a movie actually.  Thanks, but I don't really need you to be concerned for me."  This time he was the one to laugh.  "I ain't even say all that. I was just curious.  And why are you listening to all this whiny bullshit.  It's depressing."

 I let out a heavy breath because the more he continues to talk to me the longer I'm going to have to go without AC.  "Can't I just like this ‘whiny bullshit'?  Why does there have to be a reason?"

"Because right before Khayla and I broke up she was listening to this bullshit.  I'm just saying, you know.  Like, your man ain't been around for a minute.  That's gotta be rough."

What exactly is he trying to do by saying these things to me? I really need to stay focused on my work, but at the same time I don't mind having someone to talk to about what I've been feeling lately.  I hesitate a little because I don't know if I should go there, but I've been dying to let it out.

He turns back to the thermostat, but I know that he's still waiting for me to answer.  "Um, yeah,  It's been a month since I've seen him.  It's hard, but I have to deal.  That's what happens when you're in a relationship with somebody in the business that he's in.  He's a busy man, but a talented one and I can't let our relationship come between what he was born to do."

I can see the back of his head move up and down in a nod.  "Yeah, but it seems like you're the one making all the sacrifices.  I don't know.  That's just me talking from the outside looking in."

I almost don't catch the last of what he's saying because I'm staring at the sweat that has formed on his muscular back.  The heat doesn't seem to be bothering me so much anymore.  "Um, I've never really thought about it that way before.  But I don't know that I can.  I'm not the multimillion dollar superstar." 

It's silent while he tinkers with the thermostat a little bit.

"Aight, ma.  I think it should be good now."  He put it back together and flicked it on and sure enough, cool air began to blow lightly through the vent.  I hate to admit to myself, but I don't want him to be done.  I finally had the attention and the company that I'd been craving for weeks.  "Thanks," I say standing.  "You want something to drink?"  Just an hour more of conversation couldn't hurt.