Part 5 Trouble Up in the Club

Over the next couple days I let the schedule take hold of us.  I gave Josh a wide berth as much as I could on the tour bus.  I spent most of my time on my bunk staring out the window watching the world go by.  At a certain point in the monotony of the day, Justin would come back with some game or activity to keep me involved.  

I strictly went back to my room after any concert, or to my bunk if we were traveling.  My depression was settling in and my nightmares were getting worse if I drifted off without taking my pills, which was often due to the necessity to sleep anytime you could.  Chris took the duty of coddling me as he didn’t trust any of the guys to do it.  

 That weekend I was sitting in my bunk listening to my Ipod when Josh boarded with Bobbee.  She was beautiful and model-like.  I didn’t think I could live up to anything like that.  So I stayed where I was continuing to write and think poorly of myself.  No one addressed that I didn’t introduce myself, and she obviously did not care who I was.  I sulked all day until Justin dragged me to the center of the bus.  

“You are going to play Mortal Kombat with me and you are going to like it.”  He declared.

I smiled.  The challenge was issued and Justin was going down.  I rolled up my sleeves and as I was about to beat him he tackled me to the ground.

“Justin what’s with that?” I cried out laughing as he had started to tickle me.

“You were winning.  I didn’t like it. You can’t beat me Roo.”  He kissed my nose.

A water bottle was sitting precariously on the table and I was close enough to it I was able to  grab it.  It was open so Justin did not see it coming when I drenched his curls.

At that he picked me up and turned me upside down, swinging me by my ankles.  I tried to get at him but he had  me held out far enough that I couldn’t.

“Someone help me!!!”  I screamed.  “Justin put me down.”

Nobody lifted a finger.   “Will you submit to me and announce to everyone that I am the supreme ruler of Mortal Kombat?”  He asked.

“Yes, anything just quit Justin.” I begged.

“I am waiting to hear the words.”  He smugly taunted.

“Everybody, Justin is the supreme ruler of Mortal Kombat.”  No one was really paying attention or even cared.

He shrugged at this point not really caring one way or another.  “I guess I can let you up if you go get me another bottle of water.”

I nodded and headed over to the kitchen area to get his water.  Josh was blocking my way.

“Going somewhere beautiful?”  He asked.

“Get out of my way.”  I snapped.

“Nope I think not.”  He held me off with one hand.

“What will make you move?” I sighed exasperated with him.  I still didn’t want to deal with his shit.  I just wanted it all to go away, especially him.

“If you beg for it.” He said, all cocky.

I rolled my eyes.  “Your girlfriend is in your bunk, why don’t you make her.” At that I stormed off in the direction of my bunk.

“Roo, you forgot something?” Justin asked, dismayed that I was welching on our agreement.

“Get it yourself  Justin.”  To which Justin went over to Josh.

“What did you do to her?” He asked.

“Nothing, I just didn’t move out of her way and she got all pissy.” Josh rather clumsily explained himself.

“Stop the innocent act with me.” Justin got eye to eye with him as if he was going to fight for my honor.

“I might have said something about fucking Bobbee, but the girl has to realize that is what grownups do around here.” He admitted reluctantly.

“What’s the game Josh?”  Justin demanded

“No game.”  He licked his lips and averted his eyes.

“Chris said full commitment.”  Justin reminded him.

“I know.”  He grinned at Justin evilly and patted him on the head.  Then went back to his bunk and hopped in with Bobbee.  

I tried to ignore them.  My walkman was good for that.  Thankfully I was exhausted and fell victim to sleep.  It was later that night I woke up in Josh’s arms out by the tv.

I immediately tried to hop off his lap, but he held me tight.

“Shh, you had a nightmare.  I didn’t want you to wake the others so I brought you out here.”  He tried to explain the situation away.

“Why are you holding on to me?”  I asked, struggling to get out of his arms.  We were not doing this again.  He was not going to hurt me.

“That and singing to you was the only thing that calmed you down, Amy.”

I shook my head.  “Alright.”

“Do you have something you take?  You know, to help you with this.” He looked me in the eyes searching for lies.

“Yeah but I don’t want to.   I don’t like how I feel the next morning.” I sheepishly admitted.  It wasn't a good excuse.  The medicine actually did help.  I just had to take it, for it to do so.

“Please will you do it for me? As much as I like holding you like this, it is cutting into my sleep too.  I kind of value it.”  He begged me, wanting me to see how my actions were hurting myself and the guys.

“I think I will just stay up and watch a little tv.  Thanks though Josh.”  I put it off. Delay was often a good technique for getting out of shit I didn’t want to do.  However I was quickly called out on it.

“Damnit no.  I will not let you continue to hurt yourself.”  He was getting mad.  

“You have no power over me Josh.”  I pushed him away.

“I don’t mind taking care of you Amy, however holding you like this is pure torture.  You got to get your mental health straightened out.  I don’t know how much longer I can continue to do this for you.”  Desperation laced his every word.

“I never asked you to.”  Tears welled in my eyes as I turned away from him.

“You will never have to, Amy.  If you need to unburden I will always be here like I have been.  It might just be safer for us both to do it in writing and not in person.” He explained with brutal calculation.

“Yeah this isn’t fair to Bobbee.”  I agreed, feeling a little bit ashamed over my selfishness.

“I can fucking care less about Bobbee and what is or is not fair to her.  As far as I am concerned she has gotten what she wanted and needed from me, and the relationship is over.”  He revealed as if he was saying something as trivial as he preferred Coke to Pepsi.

“So your heart will need time to heal.”  I reasoned, thinking that I certainly didn’t want to be a rebound girl.

 He laughed bitterly, “My heart was never involved.  It was more a business arrangement.  She served her purpose and now it is time for us both to move on.”

“How can you be so calloused?”  I asked, confused by his lack of emotion.

“If Chris would allow you to have multiple relationships you would understand.  Love is a dream that is always unfulfilled.  When I was your age I thought I found it,  but as I got more famous it just got harder to trust anything was real.  I’ve been fucked over by every girl I have been with.  The club fucked me.  Lou fucked me over royally.  I could go on but a pretty girl like you does not need to hear all the bitterness in my heart.”

“I’m sorry Josh.” 

He looked at me blankly,  “What do you have to be sorry for?  You just called me out on my shit.  I actually like it.  You don’t know how many people are afraid of speaking the truth to me.  It made me hard from our first conversation.”

“Well if my honesty has that effect on you, maybe I should take up lying.”  I joked.

He shook his head,  “No, if you did that you would tap into my darkside.  I guarantee that you are by no means ready for the evil son of a bitch I can be.  Be safe and never lie to me.”  He ominously warned.  “Now where’s your pill?”

“In my bag.” I sighed.

“Go get the bottle and bring it to me.”  He commanded as he waved me off to my bunk.

I nodded and dug through my stuff finding it in my toiletries bag.  I walked back and handed it to him.  He opened it up, and got the one pill the directions demanded.  “Open up.”

Obediently I opened my mouth, he placed it on my tongue and handed me a bottle of water.  “Drink and swallow it.”

I guzzled down a swallow.  “Tongue out.  Swallow again.”  He lifted my chin and felt the water go down my esophagus and handed me back the bottle.  “Can you make it to your bed or do I need to carry you?”

“I can make it on my own.” He nodded but followed me.  I put the bottle back in my bag and laid down.  A deep sleep overtook me.

The next morning I got up and went to the breakfast nook with my journal.  A few minutes later he came and handed me a venti mocha and an everything bagel with strawberry cream cheese.

“We stopped for breakfast.  You were out of it, but I thought you might like this.” He said simply and then left me to my work, before I could even say thank you.  

I looked at it in shock.  It was what I would have ordered for myself.  He must have been paying attention.  Though I had to wonder why he was being so nice now.  I couldn’t think about it too much.  It would drive me crazier than I was.  

So for the next week my days were well structured and I woke up at 8.  Shower and eat.  Workout with Mike.  Shower again.  Eat again.  Study.  Write.  Study some more.  Hang out at the pool.  Study yet again.  Get ready to go to the show.  Eat dinner with the guys.  Watch the show.  Head back to the hotel or on the bus to the next city.  It was a rhythm.  If we were in a larger city, I could sometimes convince Mike to take in some of the tourist sites.  On good days PT took place in a nice park.  But Mike didn’t let up.  He was not a nice trainer, but I was in better shape than I ever was. 

 I still wondered why such a thing was necessary.  I was a high school kid.  I wasn’t going to be a model, an actress or a singer.  I was really no one.  If it wasn’t for Brian being friends with Chris I would be in BFE Pennsylvania working on haying my grandmother’s farm and dreaming about the impossibility of going to college.  

Now college was on the horizon.  I didn’t know if I was really ready.  Academically I could probably excel but I was never one to make friendships.  There was a lot I just wouldn’t talk about.  There was too much trauma.  I didn’t even talk to my shrink about most of what I could remember.  Between bouncing between foster homes, institutions and various relatives I trusted no one.   

I think I would have blown Brian’s Air Force numbers out of the water by the time Mike was done with me.  The schedule was really only altered if it was a travel day. On those days I didn’t read or write unless the guys were sleeping or otherwise occupied.  While they were awake, I watched copious amounts of action movies, and played countless video game marathons.  Sometimes if we were feeling like it we would play cards or some type of board game.  Participation in the activities varied based on stages of hangovers or the presence of girlfriends.  Sometimes the guys were busy talking on the phone to various people in the business or their families.  During these times I would sit up front and journal or play with Photoshop.  Sometimes I would write stories about the pictures I took.  My collection would be the envy of every fan because I had an all access pass.  For weeks where I went the camera went.  I got some really compromising shots although nothing was pornographic at this point. 

I stayed away from Josh and pulled into myself.  It wouldn’t be good to get attached to some man that would just leave me as everyone had before.  My life was not meant for happiness.  I was too damaged.  No one would love me.  If my mind hadn’t been repressing the events that led to my hospitalization I knew I would be thinking even more in that direction.  My confidence in what little I had was shattered.  

I kept telling myself he must have been drunk that night.  Or that was just the way he was with any new girl in his life.  He would flirt and then give the brush off when it got too close.  

A couple days later the guys were going out after the show because we were in a bigger city and they wanted to soak in the night life.  

“You're coming out with us right?”  Justin asked.  Excitement was apparent in the bounce of his knee.  

“Chris said I could come and dance for a couple hours, so long as I promised not to drink.”  I said, proud of the compromise we had come to.

“Good.”  He looked me up and down. “Is that what you are wearing?”

“Yeah,  I didn’t want to attract attention tonight.”  I said softly.  I was still in my cargo shorts, polo and checked Converse from working the show.

“We can do better than that.  Let me in.”  He demanded.

“Renee won’t like it.”  I protested as Justin barrelled through the door.

Justin grinned, “Yes she will.  She is going to help.”

Renee looked up from her sewing,  “Justin what the fuck?”

“You are going to help us get Amy ready for clubbing tonight.  Chris gave me the greenlight.”  Justin announced with too much fanfare.  He grabbed my hand and sat me down in the most comfortable chair in the room, and went to the bathroom and scattered all the makeup across my bed.  “I don’t know what to do with these.  Start on her Renee.  Amy I didn’t see any clothes in the closet.  Tell me you have some dresses.”

“I do but they are all on the bus in the storage compartment.”  I told him.

He sighed and thought for a couple minutes, then opened his phone.  “Dre man, Amy left her dresses on our bus.  We need to pick out one for tonight. Can you get someone to bring them up to her room?”  There was a short pause.  “We should have them in about ten minutes.  I hope it was worth his while.”  He then smiled at me before making another phone call.  “Lance man, come to Amy’s room.  I need your eye.”  Justin had turned on the speaker at this point.

“Come on Justin, I am waiting for Mik.”  Lance whined.

“Yeah, just like last night.  You claimed she was coming, but what did you end up doing?  You got drunk on Southern Comfort and watched gay porn.” Justin taunted.

“I didn’t feel like going out.  You know how stressful it is.”  He responded seriously, his vulnerability bleeding through the phone line.

Justin furrowed his brow, before placating his brother.  “Yeah man I get it.  I am not forcing you to go.  I just want you to help with getting Amy ready.”

“Why don’t you ask Joey?” Lance deflected.

“His only contribution to the discussion would be crotchless panties and you know it.”  Laughing at his own joke.

“Yeah I get it.  He won’t be helpful.  You can always ask Josh, he is sometimes good at these things.” Lance suggested trying to find yet another way to avoid leaving his room for any length of time.  

“No, he doesn’t get to see until we get there.”

“Why?” Lance asked, perplexed.

Justin grinned wide,  “Reasons.”

“Chris?”

“No, I don’t want her wearing Osh Kosh B’gosh on the dance floor.”

“Fine I will be down in five.”  He huffed, clicking his phone off.

Lance wandered in with the dresses.  “I think these were what you were looking for Justin.”

Justin smiled and went to Lance.  “Get in here and close the damn door.  We can’t have anyone seeing this masterpiece until we are ready.”  

Lance's bass voice rumbled in a chuckle as he started to remove the store bags to see what we were looking at.  “You done Renee?  Her face looks awesome.”  Renee nodded.  “Stand up princess let me see.”  He held a dress up to me and tossed it aside casually on the bed.  “Too short.  Chris would kill us.”  After looking through all of them he handed two of them to me.    “Try one of those on. I need to see how they lay to make the final decision.”

Justin shook his head.  “Save us all the time and try on the blue one.”

Lance smiled,  “You are right that will bring out the light in her eyes.”

I did as they requested.  They both whistled, and Lance said,  “I think my job is done here.  You are gorgeous, princess.”

I blushed, and Lance played with my hair trying to see if an updo would match.  “Renee, I think she should keep it down, maybe add a few curls.”  Then he looked pointedly at Justin.  “Take care of her.  Chris will not like it if you get distracted tonight.”  

Justin grinned evilly.  “Trust me.  She will be well taken care of.”  He waited pacing for several minutes as Renee put the final set of curls in my hair.  Once done he commanded,  “Amy, put on your sandals and come with me, we can't be late.”  He turned to Lance.  “Are you sure I can’t talk you into coming out tonight?  It will be entertaining to watch.”

Lance laughed.  “I don’t want to be anywhere near this if it blows up in your meddling face.  Besides Mik is really coming in tonight.”  His phone rang as if to prove his point.  “That’s her now.”  He answered it and started walking towards his room.

Justin turned to me.  “So are you ready?”  He asked with a grin on his face.

I nodded and followed him out to the awaiting town car.  I was questioning how my life was now.  I was going out for a night on the town with my friend, Justin.  Going to the club with him got me in the door with no questions or hassle.  He made sure I got the underage bracelet just in case we got split up. 

For some reason Justin was sticking very close to me.  

“So Amy, do you see any one you are interested in?”  He asked.  I knew he had already found his quarry for the night and didn’t want to be held down by me.  The impatience squirted out of his voice.

I wrinkled up my nose.  The place was dead as far as I was concerned.  I wasn’t ready to begin thinking about someone else.  

“No” I answered flatly and uninterested.

“There are some hot guys here tonight.  Look around Amy.  What about that guy over there? He has to be a hunk of burning love.”  He exclaimed in that flaming voice of his.

I laughed.  “A hunk of burning love.  You can put your tongue away Justin. You are drooling.  If I didn’t know any better I would think you were gay.”

“I am not gay.” He protested a little too loudly to be believed.  “But really what do you think of that studly man over there?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Not my type. You might want to go after him.”

“Amy, you must stop that.  Someone might overhear you taunting me and think the wrong thing.”  He said with a bit of fake aghast.

“Nothing is wrong with it.  Come out of the closet and admit it.”  I taunted but he wasn’t biting.

Justin grinned.  “So what about that one?”  I looked over and I saw this guy that had dark hair and blue eyes.  It wasn’t Josh. He was too thick around the middle, but he was cute.  Though, I could have sworn Justin was baiting me.

I just commented.  “Close but not quite.”  My eyes trailed off in Josh’s direction at the bar.  I guess they had been doing that all night.  When I squashed the idea of “Mr. Gorgeous” as Justin called him, he did indeed get suspicious.  His eyes traveled to where mine were lingering.

“No, not him Amy anyone but.  His ass is way too skinny.  And that hair girl you can’t tell me you are into that.   Oh and please the clothes.  I can’t believe his mama let him out of the house like that.  Whatever do you see in him?”  He giggled, I could tell he was joking but his insults just made me want to slug him.  I controlled myself however it would never do to give a star a black eye.

“Meh,  I am just not into it tonight.  I am sorry you went through all this trouble for nothing.”  I was a bit deflated.  I knew this wasn’t my scene.  Why I let Justin talk me into this uncomfortable situation I did not know.

“Come on Amy, put yourself out there for me.  Go ask Mr. Beautiful over there to dance.  You know you want to.”  Justin dared.  

Not wanting to seem scared I went over.  I didn’t know how to approach it but luckily the guy had taken one look at me and decided what I wanted.

“You want to dance baby?”  He asked with a grin.  Now I know that look was a leer; but I am getting ahead of myself.

I nodded and walked into his arms.  I really didn’t know the moves but I tried to move to the music.  However he was all up in my space.  His hands were slipping all over my ass and he had the nerve to manhandle my breasts.  I was a piece of meat.  As soon as the song ended I knew I had to get away.

As the song ended I tried to unglue his hand from my rear.

“What’s the hurry baby?”  He said pulling me closer, his black signet ring dug into my skin.

“Let go of me.”  I seethed not wanting to make a scene.  

“Not in your life sexy thang.  I think it is time we leave this place and I can really show you my moves.”  He pulled on me harder, and I began to struggle to release his grip as he moved towards the door.  I fought against him as hard as I could and then I could feel some arms grab me from behind.  I kicked back to knee the unknown person in the groin, the act was dodged and deflected easily.  I was panicking now.  I needed to be free, however I didn’t want to leave the club that would be dangerous especially without Mike.  But then I heard my attacker’s voice over the thumping music and the roaring murmur of the crowd.

“Jesus, Amy calm down. I was trying to help you.” 

It was Josh’s voice.  I was extremely humiliated.  Had I made contact I would have hurt him.  That was the last thing I wanted to do.  But hearing his voice also reassured me.  Everything was going to be okay.  I was safe now.  I looked up and I could see Mike unceremoniously throwing the other guy out of the club.  I was nervous about being in Josh’s arms though.  It was as if I jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire.  He turned me in his arms pulling me close.  

“Come on, kitten dance with me.  I won’t bite.”  He said, wiggling his eyebrows.  Uncomfortably I rolled into his arms.

We danced slowly to the music and I could feel myself quickly getting carried away.  I had to get myself away from this sexy man.  I spent the better half of two songs in his arms.  My heart rate was slowing from the trauma, but I was quickly becoming intoxicated from his cologne.  Letting the music guide me I rested my head on his shoulder.  I was two seconds from nirvana before I had registered that his hands found their way to my ass.  His move was so soft and seductive I almost didn’t register that he did it.  However I knew if I encouraged him any further he would take further liberties, so  I objected to it and pulled away.  “I think I should be heading back to the hotel now.”  I said breaking off the dance.

He nodded, releasing his hold yet still guiding me by the small of my back.  ``I will see you safely back sweetheart.”  He winked at me.  

Damn there was no getting away from him.  I had to stop what he was trying to do.  Before I knew what was happening I would end up in bed with him.  However if he had any honor he would drop me off at my door.  It would be foolish to argue with him especially when he was trying to be chivalrous.  However I wasn’t going to let him get close.  Once in the car I slid as far as I could across the seat.  Josh must have noticed my nervousness so he didn’t push, at least not too much.  He did try to gently touch me on the shoulder. It was like nothing I have ever felt before the electricity rebounded through my body and I tried to enjoy it before recoiling away from it.   I could feel my dress sliding up so I adjusted the skirt rather hastily.  Josh cast his eyes away momentarily but then he refocused on me.  Before I knew it he was reaching across me.  I thought he was going to grab my breast or something, but I was more than shocked when he went for the seat belt instead.  Quickly he pulled it down and buckled me in as if I was two or something.  I was so humiliated, so I sighed and turned away.

“I could have done that myself.”  I pouted.

“I wanted to make sure you were safe, baby.  Don’t be mad.”  His eyes pleaded for me to soften my wounded heart.

“You’re a jerk.”  I muttered not wanting to fall into his spell.

“I know you are but what am I?”  He retorted in his best Pee Wee Herman voice.

I giggled a little and then sighed.  “Josh, let's not start this, I am tired.” 

He sighed as well, matching my energy. He said nothing more for several minutes, we both turned from one another looking out the windows.  I  had no idea what to say to him. banter came so easy with the other guys, I could brush off Joey's advances with a giggle, Justin was a pushover and easy to talk to, Chris knew me so well sometimes I didn't have to say anything. Lance was a little difficult to get to know but he put me on a pedestal giving me the highest gentlemanly respect, even calling me a princess. It was Josh I couldn’t speak to and I couldn't figure out why.    He was taken, and he killed my crush on him the night of the party.  This should have been a cake walk.

. Josh slid closer to me. "I apologize for that low life. I hope you don't think all guys are like that." He put his arm around me and briefly gave a quick squeeze.  Sensing I didn’t know what to do with his affection he moved back to his original position.

I didn't know what to think of him, he was either trying to use this to get in my pants or trying to act like Chris.  I didn’t want either at the moment. He was much easier to deal with when he was being a jerk. This new Josh, I didn't understand. 

“Hey.”  He said softly.  “Let me make it up to you.  He shouldn’t have ruined your evening.  How about we get something to eat before heading back.  I am thinking of loaded fries and ice cream. What do you think?”

“Yeah,  I guess we could do that.  It isn’t past curfew yet.”  I said looking at the time.  

“Good.  Hey Mike pull off to the Denny’s we are going to get something to eat.”  Josh ordered.   The car pulled up in front of the diner and Josh opened the door, helping me out.  He stood protectively in front of me as I adjusted my dress, and when I was ready he took my hand and led me to the door.  Security had gone ahead opening the door for us, making sure there weren’t rabid fans in the place.  Josh adjusted a baseball hat over his head and said that we were going to have a table for two.  He nudged me into the booth and sat across from me.  As the waitress came out with our waters he put in his order.  

“We will share a plate of loaded fries, and a hot fudge sundae.  You can get us two cokes as well.  See those guys over there.”  He pointed out his security.  The waitress looked over at them.  “Put whatever they order on my tab as well.”

The waitress giggled and did as asked.  I could tell she knew who Josh was.  We were going to get stellar service for a Denny’s.  I remember as I saw the tab for the evening he wrote in 100 dollars as a tip.  I was surprised by his generosity.  I didn’t question it, and we were out the door before we could see the waitress see what he had done.  I always wanted to see the look on people’s faces.  However Josh made sure we were long gone by the time that was possible.  It made me happy that we were providing a bit of happiness for someone.  Each time he did it, I couldn’t help but think of how thankful I was for all of my blessings, him included.  At the time I was wondering if he was a blessing, but even as simple as this meal was, it was living large if I went back home.  This would be most people’s date night after pay day or a raise type of date.  I couldn’t believe he was spoiling me like this.  I wondered about what he expected later in the evening.  

“What are you thinking about?”  He asked out of the blue.

“How this was luxury dining back home.”  I said softly.

It made him pause, he probably didn’t spend over 30 dollars for all of us.  The tip was extravagant, but that was who he was since the fame hit.  This was not fine dining by any means.  

“What was a normal dinner for you growing up, Amy?”

“Ramen or rice usually.  Sometimes I added government cheese to it, but it was gone often early in the month.”  I meekly admitted.  I am sure a scowl was on my face as I recalled those lean days.

He nodded.  “Yeah, my birth mom made a lot of that shit before mom and dad adopted me.  I thank God everyday for them.”  He lifted his coke.  “Here’s to never having to eat Ramen again, if we don’t want to.”

We clinked glasses.  “Speak for yourself.  I am going to be a poor college student in a couple of months.”

“Chris is paying for your room and board.  Campus food probably isn’t the best, but at least you won’t starve.”  He smiled softly trying to console me.

“Yeah.”  I half-heartedly agreed. 

“Are you looking forward to starting classes?”  He asked, trying to change the subject to something more positive in nature.

“I don’t have much choice do I?”  I sighed.  My feelings on the whole thing were mixed.  I was just getting used to being with the guys, and was feeling safe for the first time in my life.  I didn’t want to give up the feeling.  

“You know, I’m sure taking your basics won’t be fun, but think of it when you are into your major you will be learning from masters.”  He again focused on happy thoughts.

“Chris has been waffling about NYU.”  I admitted.

“Why?  It is a good school.”  Josh asked, surprised at the new revelation.

“He thinks it might be too big.  He thinks that even though I could handle it academically, I might not be able to socially.”  I told him, summarizing a few of the conversations that Chris and I had over the last days.

He nodded, seeming to weigh what I told him seriously in his mind.  “Yeah it is a big jump skipping two years of high school.  I am sure if it isn’t NYU, he will find something that is more suitable.”

“I could just stay with you guys.”  I offered.

“As much as we would all love to have you around Amy, you need your own life and dreams.  We don’t want to hold you back from anything.  Have you thought about doing anything with your writing?”  He asked, getting back to a favorite topic of his when it came to me.

“It is just a hobby.  It keeps me sane.”  I said undercutting any idea that I had talent in that area.

“I think it's far more.  You should major in English and work on it.  It could take you places you couldn’t even imagine.”  The passion on this matter was almost too forceful.

This conversation was turning into one of our letters.  He was always encouraging of my writing, always pushing me a little more.  This was a glimpse of the Josh I fell in love with.  I didn’t know why he had to be such a sexual freak to ruin all of that.  I had to remember his encouragement was just that.  It didn’t mean he wanted me.  In fact, what he was encouraging me to do would take me far from him.  He had a girlfriend who was supermodel pretty.  Even though he had broken up with her, I was nowhere in that girl’s league.  She was a woman, I was still a girl,  I had to tell myself.  That was the only way to avoid getting hurt by this man.

When neither of us could take another bite Josh declared we go back to the hotel.  We were in the car, and soon stopped at the back of the hotel.  We winded our way back to the service entrance.  He guided me back to my floor and deposited me in front of my door. We were quiet on the way up.  I didn’t know what to say or do.  He didn’t intrude on my thoughts.  I think he was intentionally trying to keep his in.  From his looks at me, I don’t think they were appropriate at all.  He ran his fingers delicately down my golden brown hair.  It was possessive, like he wanted to do or say so much more.  Chills ran down me, but he simply said a quiet good-night and left me there.

I went into my room frustrated with him, myself, and the creep and the world. Why did life have to be so complicated? Even journaling couldn't solve this problem. I sighed and took my sleeping pill before crying myself to sleep.