Part three:  Big reveal and the summer plan

As I got ready for bed that night and processed what the hell happened,  I realized I had bigger problems on my hands.  I shouldn’t get distracted about how sex crazed my celebrity crush for the last 8 years was.  That would soon be a blip in my timeline.  My fate for the summer living on the farm came to my mind and I cried. I didn't want to go there. I knew I would just get more depressed.  

I would be volunteering to give up my freedom  to have a reasonably safe place to stay during the summer.  I knew the rules.  It wasn’t as if my grandparents hadn’t taken me in before.  I would have to wear a dress that covered me from ankle to wrist.  There would be no music or television, as we would wake with the rooster and go to bed by the sight of the moon.  That entire I would be expected to do some type of physical labor, whether it be in the house or on the farm.   I wouldn’t be allowed to go to town on my own.  If I went it would be just to the grocery store and the feed shop.  If I was lucky I might be able to get ice cream.  I seriously doubted that though.  Last time I went there, the prophet was on a health kick and my grandparents were following his advice.  Sunday mornings would be mandatory at church.  I knew in all of this I would have to be obedient or suffer the consequences.   Knowing all of this I cried myself to sleep.

 That morning I woke late.  The train ticket that I had was already expired.  I called the station but they said they offered no exchanges or refunds.  I was stuck and broke.  Luckily the hotel was still serving breakfast.  Or so I thought when I walked down it was closing up.

I would need to check out soon.  Out of sheer luck, Mike just happened to run into me in the dining hall.  

“You have breakfast kid?”  He asked softly.

“No, they were done serving before I woke up.”  I sighed.  “I will be fine though.”

He shook his head, and gestures towards a private room.   “Come with me.  I am sure Chris would like to say goodbye to you before the boys ship out.”

I nodded.  “Thanks Mike.”

He chuckled and winked.  “Yeah, he’s still eating too.  So if you play your cards right and look as pitiful as you did sitting over there he might just feed you too.”

“I appreciate it Mike.”  I said, thinking this was one of the nicest men I have ever met.

“No, problem.  Oh and Amy.”  He stopped in his tracks.

“Yes Mike?”  I asked not knowing what he could possibly have to say to me.

“Be more careful in the future.”  He warned with fatherly eyes.

“Yeah, I will be sure to set my alarm.”  I said not getting his intended meaning.

“No, I was talking about last night.  JC is dangerous.  I would hate to see a pretty girl like you get hurt.  You certainly did put him through his paces and humbled him a little.  It was humorous to watch.   I was surprised he didn’t try to push you into anything.”  He explained.

“Oh he was Mike. I just wasn’t interested.”  I reassured him.

“Keep it that way.”  He further admonished me.  We walked into a private dining room.  Chris was sitting there.  He smiled when he saw me.

“Hey little one.” He greeted me, too cheerfully for 10 in the morning. “Please sit down and join me.”

“Morning Topher.”  I replied in a banter-like voice.  I didn’t want to reveal what was wrong too early.  I was barely conscious and didn’t need a lecture quite yet.

“Did you sleep well?”  He asked, concerned.

“Yeah.”  I lied.

“Good.”  He responded robotically.

“How was your date with Justin?”  He asked probing further into the events of last night.

“It ended early in the evening.  He chased after some other blond.”  I admitted, a bit of a blush of humiliation tinged my face.

I could see Chris trying to contain his anger.  “I see.  How did you get home?’ He asked.

“I took the subway.”  I informed him as if it was no big deal.  Part of me knew even at that moment that mentioning Josh would not help my cause.  But he had to ask.

“By yourself?”  The vein above his eye was starting to twitch.  In his mind this whole scenario was just getting better and better.

“No, JC was kind enough to escort me home.”  At that moment the world seemed to revolve to a screeching halt.  I was so nonchalant about it.  It seemed with that little innocent statement I insured the burial of both men.

“I will fucking kill them both.  I don’t know what the fuck Justin was thinking letting you leave with JC.” Chris yelled as his face almost turned purple in anger.

I didn’t know what to do.  Hiding under the table seemed to be like a good idea.  However rational thought kicked in and I was able to hold my ground, for I knew it was more the guys than me that were guilty in Chris’s mind. I intended to keep it that way.  It was never pretty when Chris was mad at me, however; he would never hurt me and was entirely more bark than bite.

“Justin didn’t let me do anything.  He was already sniffing out his prey for the evening before I even met Josh.” I feebly tried to explain.

“Oh so it is Josh now.  I see how it is and don’t like it, Amy.  Not at all.”  He all but yelled.

I was a bit confused about why he would be that angry, but then Heather’s warnings from the previous evening came to my mind.  I dismissed them.  It would be easier to play dumb.  “See, how what is?  He just walked me home.”

“You want more.”  He accused me of lust.  “I can see it in your eyes the hunger he sparked.  I have lived around these guys for years, Amy.  I  know their ways.” 

“I stuck to my promise.  I didn’t sleep with Justin last night, or anybody else for that matter.  Not that I even wanted too.  Now I need to wire my grandparents for money.   I will be on the farm all summer.  I never want to see any of you guys again. You are all a bunch of perverted sex crazed freaks.”  I got up and moved from the table.

Chris stood up and pulled me back in his arms and held me on his lap.  “I can’t let you do that Amy.  Not now, when I have just laid eyes on you again.”

“Now you want to jump my bones too.”  I screamed back at him.

“No, but I do want to know that you are safe and I can’t insure that at the farm.”  He calmly explained releasing his grip.

I wiggled off his lap and  said.  “You know my grandparents would never hurt me.”

Chris rolled his eyes.  “Remind me, why did you run away from there 3 summers ago?”

I was busted,  “The prophet told Grandpa that I was to be married to one of the elders that already had like 7 wives.”

“What makes you think something like that wouldn’t happen this summer?”

I couldn’t even respond.  He was right.  I hadn’t been thinking of that aspect of the farm.  I was just thinking about working on it and making money for college.

Chris continued,  “Your dad knew something was terribly wrong with that community.  That was why he left it before he met your mom.  He didn’t want that lifestyle for himself or his future family.  Do you really think he would want you going there without Brian for protection?”

I hung my head.  “But I have no other option.”

“I am going to be honest with you Amy.  This whole trip that you were on was a sham set up by your brother and myself.”  He revealed.

“What do you mean?”  I asked bitterly.  I couldn’t believe he would betray me with such an underhanded scheme.

“We needed to protect you.”  He stated without remorse.

I huffed, “I have been doing a good job without your help.”

“Amy, five stays at a mental hospital within the last year.  That’s not a great record.  It tells me that you can’t.”  He started to lecture,  I wanted to cover my ears and hum but what little maturity I had did not allow for it.

Instead I chose to argue further, “You haven’t even been around since I was a baby.  I am a grown woman.  How the hell do you think you are going to protect me and from what?  And who gave you the right to think it is needed?”

“I was the one that got you out of that hospital.”  He stated, as cool as he could, even though I could hear the emotion under his voice threatening to break.

“I got myself out.”  I stated, overconfident in my own abilities.

“I bribed the doctor to give you a set of terms for release. You were hungry enough for freedom that you met them.”  He explained in cold precision that it almost made me sick.

“That’s right Chris.  I was hungry for freedom.  I still am.  I am going to college in the fall.  I start work as well. I am going to create a life for myself free from my past.”  I listed all my accomplishments, still trying to cling to the idea that they were real.

“I wish it were that easy Amy.  I really do.  But you will never be free.”  He announced.

It shocked me but, even with the drug hazed amnesia I knew what he said was true.  I had to accept it.  I was scared of what had changed him.  I didn’t notice until that moment that he was indeed changed.  Something scared the living shit out of him and it had to do with me.  I had to find out what it was, but now I knew it was not the time to press.  I needed to find out what his plan was and how restricted my life would be.  

“How are you planning to protect me?”  I asked timidly.

“You will stay with me and the guys.  On tour we have a lot of security.  There will never be a time when you won’t be covered.  And when the time comes, I will find you a man that will be worthy of you.” Chris explained.

No this couldn’t be right.  He was in essence stating that he had final approval on the choice of my husband.  What the fuck gave him the right to decide something that was on me and me alone. As far as I was concerned I was done with men for good.  There would be no need for Chris to find anyone, for I would have no one.  He would have to force himself on me.  It would be an option he would never consider.  I was too much of a sister to him.  So, I threw out the scandalous thought just to condemn his actions further and maybe force a bit of remorse for what he was suggesting.

“Why don’t you do it yourself Chris?”  I asked bitterly.  “You seem so gung ho in protecting me.”

“I am too old Amy.  And you deserve some type of choice.  I am not going to force myself on you.  However if there is no one else you will be stuck with me.  Brian tends to like that option a lot.  But he is thinking with only what he knows.”  He explained calmly even though I knew he knew I was baiting him.  Why he was taking such abuse was the question.

“So who I date has to be approved by you?”  I asked, cutting to the quick of the matter.

He smiled and encouraged, “You got the idea now.”

“No it is not happening.  I would rather go back to my grandparents.” I announced, shocked that those words were coming out of my mouth.  Didn’t just minutes ago I wanted to do anything else but go there.  

“That is not an option.”  Chris announced with an air of grim finality that I knew there was no point to argue, but that didn’t stop me.

“You have no right.  You don’t own me Chris.  You just can’t pon me off on someone as if I was some sort of fuck toy.” I screamed at him, unaware of people around us. Luckily Mike and Lonnie had closed off the area to stop any scene I was making from leaking out to the general public.

“Amy, you know I take protection of you very seriously, especially when your brother can’t.  I am in a situation now where you will be safer than you have ever been before.”  He patiently explained after I stopped throwing proverbial shit at him.

“I don’t have a choice do I?”  I asked knowing it was final.

“No you don’t.  But it won’t all be bad.  We will have fun, you will see.”  He promised to try to cheer me up.

“When do we leave?”  I resigned to my fate.  I would find a way out later.  For now, I had no money so I might as well stay with them through the summer.  Then I could think of how college may change his plans.

“4:00 tonight.  We have a show in New Jersey tomorrow evening.  You know Amy, if Jeremiah was still alive he would do no less.”   He reminded me.  This was a low blow and he knew it.

I bristled and sulked thinking if it was really true.  Would daddy really  want me to live this way? Few people ever dared to bring him up.  For Chris to do so, I knew this was important.  But I could not resist one more jab.  “You don’t know what my dad would or would not do.  No more than I do.”  And I didn’t.  Even now I don’t know if my dad would approve of this scheme.  Sometimes I would wonder if Josh and I would have even met had my father been alive. With what I know now about my dad, and his lifestyle it is quite probable.

Chris thought for a long time before  he responded. “He would want you educated, married and having his grandbabies.  That I know.”

.”What about college Chris?”  I asked.

“Oh, you are going to NYU.  Don’t worry your head over that.”  He reassured me.

“How are you going to protect me on a college campus?”  I asked, thinking this whole ploy was ludicrous.

“It is called restrictions and security baby.”  He said in his overconfident voice.

“I am not a child.  You can’t tell me what to do.”  I pouted, knowing I wasn't proving my point.  It just felt good to say.

“If you don’t want to hurt anymore, or end up dead before you see your unborn children I suggest you do as I say Amy.”  He warned ominously.

“I will see you at 4:00 tonight.”  I gulped, not believing how crazy my life was becoming.  I thought I was free only to be caught back into another cage.  It didn’t matter that it was gilded.  It was still a cage.  

“Good girl.”  He kissed the top of my head and settled me back in my chair to finish my pancakes alone.  I sulked and planned in my mind’s eye what I was going to write in my journal when I had time later.  The pages detailing how much I wanted to kill Chris would be reams upon reams.  

I couldn’t believe I was agreeing to this crazy plan.  Had it not been forced on me, I might have even suggested it to get out of being at the farm for the summer.  But it seemed to me that Chris had every intention of being more oppressive than my grandparents, if that was truly possible.  Then I also realized another reason that traveling with the guys would not be such a good idea.  It began with one man and he drove me absolutely crazy.

“Hey Kitten, how did you sleep?” He asked in a way that seemed innocent as he slunk like a panther into the seat in front of me.

How did I sleep?  Why should he care? Why should he even ask?  Such a confusing man.  I sighed.  “Fine.  You?”

“Not so well.  I kind of wished you took me up on my offer.” He joked.

“Well, you can keep wishing.  I gotta get going.  I will see you later Josh.”  I said trying to excuse myself quickly to avoid further contact with him.

 I would avoid him as far as the bus would allow me.  Besides I had a lot of stuff to figure out and didn’t need a man confusing me more.  I went to my room and packed up.  I hung out in the lobby talking to the crazy fans that littered the lobby.  Why they would want any of them was beyond me.  Of course I was not stupid.  I did not mention that I was going to tour with the guys.  However about four Mike found me.  

“You ready to lock and load, Amy?”  He asked a little perturbed that I was so out in the open.

“Do I have to?”  I whined.

“If you want to live to see tomorrow my suggestion is yes you do.”  He warned, giving me no option.

“I don’t want to be cooped up on that bus.”  I complained a little more trying to at least elicit his sympathy.

He wasn’t having any of it.  He tried to reassure me though, “The bunks are comfy and there is a curtain to provide you with some privacy.  Though as crazy as those boys are, I wouldn't count on much.”

“Thanks for the warning, Mike.”  I said knowing he was only trying to help. 

“I think you can handle yourself though. Let’s get going.  You want me to help you?”  He asked, already taking one of my bags.

“No, I got it.”  I assured him.

Mike smiled and let me carry my carryon.  He grabbed my suitcase and put it under the bus in the storage compartment.  

I was walking slowly, because I hadn’t realized how heavy the bag got.  Before I knew what was happening Josh had lifted my carryon out of my hand and carried it to the bus.  He was acting like such a man. I could have done it myself and I didn't want to be a burden to all the guys.  

“I could have handled that Josh.”  I snapped.

He flippantly responded, “I want to leave sometime tonight.”

  I felt myself getting mad as I threw my stuffed kitten at him.  He waited until I boarded and then tackled me onto the couch in the lounge area.  It hurt too cause he did it full force.  He started beating me with one of the pillows. I was able to free myself long enough to grab a throw pillow that was lying behind me and retaliate.  Why I was fighting him I don't know.  I loved his smell and the feeling of his body hovering over me.  For a moment I thought he might kiss me, but then all the guys came in and joined the fight.  I ended up on the bottom of them all.  I know girls say they could take on all five of them at once, but trust me you can't.  I had bruises for days after that.  

As I freed myself I went to where my bunk was and laid down pulling the curtains.  I simply stared out the window watching the world go by.  I didn’t want to be there and I was not going to make the guys think otherwise.  Chris would be so sick of me that he would kick me off tour quickly.  I just had to devise a plan to insure my complete freedom.

I was lost in thought when Justin pulled back the curtains.  He smiled.  “There you are.  I thought you jumped off or something.”

I blushed.  “No, I am fine Justin.”

“Hey Amy, I am sorry about last night.  Things got crazy.  I know that that “it” factor wasn’t there between us last night but, if you can forgive me I would love to be friends.”  He looked so sweet and ashamed there was nothing to do but forgive him.

I smiled weakly.  “That will be nice.”

“Good so Roo, how about you and me go up there and show Joey and Chris how to really play Mario?”  He challenged, in hopes of getting me out of my self imposed exile.

I smiled, “Sure that sounds fun.  I am going to beat your ass so badly.’

“We will have to see about that.’  He challenged in order to fire up the competitive spirit in the room.

We played late till Justin started yawning and complaining it was past his bedtime.  He got up and headed to his bunk.  I stayed up front abandoned by the guys who had all found their beds for the night. I couldn’t sleep.  The meds still messed up my sleep patterns.  Either I got too much or not enough.  Tonight I was your typical insomniac. I had drunk five cups of Sleepytime tea and still was not sleepy.  I sat up watching the world go by writing everything that had happened the last three days of my life in my journal.  That was when I noticed Josh was sitting at the table across from me.  I didn't hear him because I was listening to Alanis.  

I finished my thought, ignoring him.  When I dropped the pen, he started to edge the journal away from me.  I snapped it shut on his fingers.

“Hi Josh.”  I smiled.

He nodded, shaking out his hand.  “What are you listening to, Kitten?”  He asked, trying to make casual conversation, however, I was beginning to think nothing was casual with him.

“Alanis Morrisette.”  I said softly not really wanting to engage him further.

“Oh really?  What song?”  He asked with his eyebrow raised, trying to pull me out more.

“You Oughta Know.”  I flung out, not thinking of the door I had just opened for him.

“Good song.  It’s the angry girl song.”  He rubbed his hands together and asked deviously  “So would you?”

“Would I do what?”  I was confused about his meaning.  I should have known though.

“Go down on a guy in a movie theater.”  He stated simply, just letting it hang there for me to react to.

 I know I was blushing and thinking I could never do that to anyone ever, especially not in a public place like a theater.  He had some nerve trying to pepper sex into all our conversations.  If I didn’t know better I would have thought he was trying to seduce me.  I just looked at him in shocked silence.

“So what do you say, kitten?  You want to try it out when we get a few minutes in town?”  He asked none too innocently, pushing the banter of the line.

“What makes you think I would kiss you, let alone do that to you?”   I was offended that he thought I would comply with his mere suggestion.  My original thoughts of him were still accurate.  I needed to stay far, far, away from this sex crazed man.

He almost couldn't control his laughter.  That just infuriated me more.

He was all cocky about it, and said with a wink.  “You will be begging for it soon enough.”  

“I don't beg.”  I declared, determined on this point.   “I will not lower myself to do something that demeaning.”

He laughed and asked.  “Want to make a bet on it?”   

I smirked, this was going to be easy to win.   “I accept, what are the terms?”

“Slave for the day.”  He said, raising his eyebrow in a challenge.

“Nothing sexual.”  I said, revising what I knew he was already thinking.

“There’s no fun in that.  Live a little Amy.  The whole premise of the bet is sexual anyway.”  He protested.

“Fine but it is not transferable, and if I am uncomfortable with something I can say no.”  I conceded.

“Alright, I won’t force anything, but if you don’t live up to the bet or be known forever as a welcher.”  He announced.

“I will not back away from it.”  I said confidently.

 “You don’t know what you are in for, little girl.  You have just challenged me and I always rise to the occasion.”  He said winking.  

At that final innuendo I scooted to the opposite end of the table ignoring him.   I had nothing to worry about. I knew he would be mine for a day.  I tried to fill my mind with all the things I could make him do.  I started to write again as I felt his eyes burning into me.  I couldn't concentrate.  All I could think about was the bet I made and his crude explanation of a blow job.  I imagined what it would be like giving him one.  And then as he stroked his goatee I wondered for a brief second what it would be like to kiss him.  

I tried to banish the thought to my mind, but it was still there as he asked me a question I was not prepared for.  “What are you writing in that journal of yours?”

  My journal is a very personal thing.  I don't share it with anyone.  I didn't like the fact that he read one of my poems to begin with.  So I hid it by pulling it closer to my chest.  

“Come on Amy, you're a great writer.  Just give me something.” He begged trying to lay the puppy dog eyes on thick.

“No.”  I said simply.  

Seeming to accept that wasn’t ready to consent to giving him this piece of my heart yet he offered, “Well, if ever you want me to read something.  I will.  All you have to do is ask.” 

It was sincere.  Other people who wanted to read to know what I was thinking. They wanted to know why I was depressed.  Or better yet they wanted to lock me up in a hospital for another two months.  He liked it for the sake of the art.  Although I wasn't ready to share I would keep it in the back of my mind. 

He was silent for a beat or two before adding quietly almost as if he  was simply thinking out loud.   “Or I will just have to wait for your next letter.  It's been several months.”  That last part stung. 

“Letter?”  I asked innocently.

“I’m not playing games, kitten.  I have read them all multiple times.” He shockingly admitted to me.

My mind couldn’t handle the implications of the meaning of that, “You get so much fan mail, why would you bother with mine?”

“When Chris told me to write to you five years ago,  I thought I was just helping out a friend of a friend. Through those letters I feel like I got to know you.  They actually helped me during my time in Europe.   When they fell off for awhile, I was concerned.  I wanted Chris to bring you out right away.  He told me no.  I was mad at him, but you know what, he knew something I didn’t.  He knew that your inner beauty matched your outer beauty.”

All I could do was blush as I processed what he was saying.

He went on with his monologue.  “Now that I know, I wish you were two years older, or that we would have met two years from now.  I am sorry for last night.  If I could take back how I spoke to you I would.  I will endeavor to control myself in the future.”

“You are forgiven, but don’t make promises you can’t keep JC.”  I said softly, not sure of his change in tactics.  We sat in silence for a while before I resumed my writing.

After a while he he yawned, and then grinned at me.  I rolled my eyes.  “I’m afraid to ask.”

“Well I was just thinking about what really pushes me onto the Sandman Express.  I was wondering if it would have the effect on you or if a good fuck would make you more wired.”  He calmly explained, raising his eyebrows in expectation.

I sighed.  “On that note I am going to bed.”

He smiled sweetly following me down the walkway.  “Can I come too?”

“Your bunk is the general direction I suggest you find it.”  I ordered him.

“Only if you join me.”  He whined with a hint of a pout in his voice. 

“I don’t really care what you do Josh.  I am just not going to fuck you.  Especially not on this bus.”  I informed him trying to put an end to the game playing for one night.

He nodded comprehendingly.  “Oh so you are one of those types of girls.

“What the fuck does that mean?”  I asked.

He shrugged and climbed on his bunk which unfortunately was right above mine.  I laid down on my bunk sighing still not figuring him out.  I wouldn’t try that day. I tried to force him out of my mind but it didn’t work.  Though somehow as I laid there sleep came. Though I was thrashing and mumbling.  Later Josh told me he had kicked on the bunk however it didn’t wake me.  At some point he jumped down and leaned against the post in the aisle supporting Lance and Joey’s bunks.  He said he watched for a few minutes before deciding what to do.  I think he tried to whisper my name a couple times.  That did not work. He climbed into the bunk with me.  His arms dragged me close to him and he kissed my forehead gently.  “Shh Amy.  It’s okay.”

The next morning I awoke.  Josh was still in my bunk, his arms were like iron vises around me.  I didn’t know when or how this occurred during the night but I knew we would both be in trouble if we were caught.  I tried to get Josh to release me just as I met eyes with Chris.