Decisions about Me

Half an hour later I could tell that Monica was trying to wake me.  I couldn’t respond.  The only thing the demons inside me would let me do in situations like these was scream.  I tried to control that response but it was no use as I thrashed around fending off the spectral beasts of the past.  It was then my senses started to waken some as I was being lifted into warm arms.  His spicy cologne tickled my olfactory nerves and calmed me.  The screaming stopped and I started to whimper as I was carried down the hallway.

Soft voices murmured.  “Puppy, I didn’t mean for you to take her. Just calm her.” Monica’s voice floated somewhere far off in the ether.  

“I will need to be with her all night.  My bed is bigger and more comfortable.  We will be fine.  Let security know and I will turn on the nanny cam for accountability.” He said with a sigh.

“Fine, but I am going with you two.  I want to see what you do.  Maybe there is something that can imitate when she is at school.” Monica relented.

He did not say anything but I heard footsteps behind us.  Josh laid us down holding me and simply sang “Sailing” until I heard nothing.  

The next morning I felt the rays of sun on my face.  The radiator that was Josh’s body was smothering me with warmth.  I heard hushed voices at the door.

“This is fucking unacceptable.” Brian’s voice cracked through the air.

“She had a nightmare.  He calmed her down and made sure she stayed asleep.  Nothing else happened.”  Monica said in a calm, precise voice.

All of a sudden the sheet was ripped off of me.  “Wake the fuck up, fucker!” Brian yelled, pulling Josh out of the bed.  Before Josh had the chance to catch his balance, Brian slugged him right in the face and then hard in the gut.

“Brian stop!”  I scream hysterically at this point.

Brian backed off, “He broke his promise to me.  He said he was just walking you to your room.  And now I find you here in his room, and you have the audacity to defend him.”

“It was my fault.  I didn’t take my pill and the nightmares came.  Josh can’t stand when I hurt like that.  He was just trying to help me.”  I rationalized despite the looks of the situation.

“Yeah while he helped himself.” Brian huffed and paced, trying to control his seemingly righteous anger.

Monica shoved the vhs tape into his hand.  “The tape will show absolutely nothing happened.  I was here all night and witnessed nothing other than the two sleeping.”  She claimed, but I could tell my brother wasn’t buying it.

Instead Brian took another tactic, one which I didn’t have a defense for. “You can’t tell me in your professional opinion this is healthy for her.”  Brian questioned looking Monica squarely in the eye.

She sighed “You are right, Amy forming such an attachment to fight her night terrors is a crutch that will not allow her to live independently.  I came in the room not because I didn’t trust Josh but because by observing what Josh did I could develop a sleep routine that would work better for her longer term. But first Amy, tell us why you didn’t take your pill.” Monica turned the conversation back to me finally.  As everyone made decisions for me, I hardly ever got to voice my own opinion.  I was thankful Monica was including me.

“Had I taken it, I wouldn’t be able to meet Brian for morning PT.” I looked at the clock and blanched.  “It is past time.”

As things were calming down the guys had all come into the room to see what the commotion was about.  “Don’t worry little one.  I will just tell Mike to work you out harder tomorrow.” Chris quipped not really taking things seriously since Brian was now the one in charge.

I rolled my eyes and scowled,  “That won’t be necessary.”

Justin spoke up.  “I am planning a lot of fun things for us to do at the lake house.  You hang with me and we will burn more calories than what you would have on your 2 mile run.”

To that Brian just rolled his eyes.  “It is the structure that is important.”

Monica defended me by stating, “Brian, it is the 4th.  It is a holiday.  On holidays it is okay that there is some deviation from normalcy.  Justin did make a good point.  Amy will have plenty of exercise while participating in today’s activities.  The brain likes novelty as much as it craves structure, and it should be fine.  The purpose of the exercise is to keep her mind and body healthy.  She is not preparing to go to boot camp.”

He smirked,  “Rush is that in a way. It takes a lot of energy and her body needs to be perfect.  She can’t slack until I have her properly married.  Then it is for her husband to decide.”

She turned away, masking her face and counted to ten in her head.  “You know comments like those deserve Electra’s cattle prod.”

“I don’t know what Robbie was thinking, letting his women get all high and mighty.  It wouldn’t stand in my house.”  Brian goaded her.

She ignored my brother's mouthy misogynistic rant, and changed the conversation towards something more productive.  “The stronger Amy is as a whole person, the more valuable and attractive she will be for her mate.  Her looks are just one facet to the equation.  It is one that luckily comes very naturally.  This inquisition is not helping her.”

“Her being in the arms of a man that I have not approved of is not helping her.” Brian stated flatly pointing at Josh.

Josh finally spoke up humbly,  “I apologize for anything that might have appeared to you as unseemly.  I didn't mean any disrespect.  I just wanted to help her.  Holding her like that has helped before.  I wasn’t thinking of the optics.”

“You're right about that.  I don’t like the optics.  If anyone in the club finds out about this there will be no options.  I should have her stay with Shannon after I leave.” Brian announced.

“That’s against the court order.  You or I would have to stay with her and that is not happening for either one of us.”  Chris reminded him.

“She’s getting too close to you guys.” Brian paced, protesting.

“The mom’s are all going to be out for the July leg of the tour after the holiday.  She could ride on the friends and family bus.  That puts some distance, and gives some built in chaperones.  By the time the moms leave in August her semester will begin and she will be in the dorms.”  Chris offered.

“And she is still grounded.” Brian stated.  “I don’t want her going out.”

Monica spoke up.  “It did a lot for her mental health to have that job Chris gave her.”

Brian nodded,  “That is fine.  She needs to work some to earn her keep around here. Bus, work and hotel.”

Monica continued her negotiations.  “Workouts are outside at Mike’s discretion.”

“Of course whatever Mike thinks is safe and reasonable.  The decision is his not hers though.  I don’t want her getting it twisted as a reward.”  He agreed.

I finally spoke up,  “What about the shows?”

Brian didn’t give it a second thought, “No.’

Monica spoke up again,  “Let’s think about this more fairly.  I think the shows could be used as a substantial reward for Amy.  I think the criteria we should place on her attendance of the show and any after parties should be based on her adherence to her treatment plan.  

Brian thought about it for a moment.  I couldn’t stop snapping my rubber bands. I was so anxious about the verdict.  Josh noticed and grabbed my hand applying pressure.  He whispered, “Breathe” into my ears.  I did not realize I was holding my breath.

Brian turned to Monica.  “Exactly what is the treatment plan?”

“Medication as prescribed for now.  Half and hour daily phone sessions with me as I will be leaving tomorrow. Robbie has been blowing up my phone with new intakes and I can’t stay.”

“New intakes?”  Brian raised his eyebrow in curiosity.

She sighed,  “His team found an infestation.  The FBI handled the perps but there are about 20 victims, most underaged.  I have to go get statements and start treatment plans.”

“Fuck, well at least it is working. I hope to get more intelligence for you all on this deployment.  That is why I want her marriage ready the day she turns 18.  When the shit hits the fan it is going to splatter over everything.  I need her protected.  I can’t think of the safety of my family while I am doing my job.  There is too much at stake.” As Brian ranted on I felt my world being closed up.

“I understand.  Let’s get back to the topic at hand.  So medicine, daily therapy, nutrition, exercise, sleep, reading, journal and her replacement behavior.”  She turned to Josh.  “Her anxiety has dropped, puppy. Release her hand.”  Josh did immediately and I tried to rub them to regain the warmth.  “She needs some more work on mind body.  I think yoga can help.  Is Lexi still traveling with you guys?”

Joey brightened with a mischievous and lustful look in his eye,  “Yeah, she is interning with Lulyn on this tour.”

“Do you guys think the mistress of knots can spare her for a couple hours a day to work with Amy?”  Monica asked.

Lance spoke up,  “Are you thinking of having her teach Amy positions?”

“No, don’t get your cock going thinking about that Lancey poo.  I am more interested in the meditation aspect of it for now.  Stretching will do her good and provide a good foundation, but the point of this is to teach her mindfulness and calm her anxiety.  I will not have you guys kinking up my therapy techniques.”  She ordered, her exasperation with the guys starting to show again. 

Josh spoke up,  “I don’t know if she will be a safe person for Amy.  She is my demo model at the club.”

“Lulyn and I will talk to Lexi about teaching Amy.  It is not the worst thing in the world having subs do the heavy lifting.  I think any emotional kinks should have no quarter.  I will make a checklist for Amy which will be signed off on by Chris, Mike and Lexi daily.  Chris will know that I spoke with Amy through a word I text him daily and she will have a daily reflection question for her journal.  I want Amy to share the question, but the response can be private.  She will just have to show evidence that she considered it.  If the checklist is completed she will go to the concert.”  Monica explained her plan simply.

Brian raised his eyebrow,  “You are rewarding her for doing the bare minimum in my opinion.”

“She is being rewarded for things that will make her independent at college.”  Monica defended her behavioral management system.  It was a lot that she was asking, and I was not sure if I was up to it.  Brian thought it was too little, I thought it was too much, and what hurt was none of the guys were speaking up saying I didn’t need any of it, even Josh.”

“Where’s respect, service and obedience?”  Brian demanded, as I winced with each adjective that he barked out with military precision.

Monica shook her head in frustration.“She is not in training to be a sub at this point.  She may not be fit for the lifestyle Brian.”  I didn’t know what to make of that but all the men's faces in the room turned white as if there was really something to fear.  I respected people for the most part if they had earned it. Service meant to help, I wouldn’t mind being of use around here.  It seemed as if I was their burden in many different ways.  If I could do things to make their lives easier I would,  all they would have to do is ask, because I really didn’t know of ways that I could help them.  I couldn't leave the fish bowl they were trapped in. Obedience was the sticking point.  Sometimes the rules on tour were burdensome, stupid and unfair.  At least that was what my teenage brain thought.  Now I realize most of them really just protected me.  As I pondered that Brian was about to explode.  I snapped my wrist as I watched him pace the room before speaking up again.

“With the club we aren’t going to have a fucking choice.  This isn't a game, Monica.  The only way she is ever going to be safe is that she is perfectly submissive to an old guard master of standing.”  Brian said the quiet part out loud.  He really was going to try to marry me off as soon as possible.  He was tired of dealing with all my crap and just wanted me gone and married to some crusty man.

“So she liberated herself for no fucking reason.  You are just sending her back to a system that is going to subjugate her.”  Monica accused, her eyes piercing him with an ice glare.

At that point Josh spoke up, “I know that my opinion doesn’t matter right now.  But if things work out the way I want them to, mine and Amy’s will be the only ones that do.  I don’t want her personality trained out of her. The truth is I like brats; they challenge me.  I want her to consent and submit to me because she loves and trusts me, and desires to serve me and sees how in serving me she can help others too.   I want it to be authentic because I am a safe person for her.  I do not want it to be forced at all to meet the demands of the club or others.  In order for that to have a chance in hell of occurring she first needs to be a free and autonomous person, able to follow her dreams and make her own choices.”

“Fine, we will try it your way.”  Brian conceded.  “Though if not successful with the checklist she goes back to the friends and family bus or her hotel room.”

Monica smiled,  “That is reasonable.  If you excuse me, I am going to head downstairs.”  She raked her talons down Lance’s back prodding him on.  “Come along boys.”

Brian spoke up,  “JC, I would like to talk to you for a few minutes if you don’t mind.   Amy, go grab my briefcase in my room.  There are some documents that JC and I need to go over.”

I nodded and hurried  up to the next floor and knocked.   Shannon answered.  “Oh Amy, I am glad you are here. Can you hold the baby for just a minute?”  She handed Elise off as if she was football, and I held her awkwardly in my arms as Shannon went to the back of the suite.  She barked some orders at Reegan and Kacey took care of some personal business and came back to the front room with me.  

“Is Brian coming back soon?”  Shannon asked. 

I shook my head.  “No, that is why I'm here.  Brian asked me to get his briefcase.  He is talking with JC.”

She frowned and took back the baby.  “It is on the table.”  She paused thinking about what to tell me.  “Amy, you don’t have to agree to anything.”  She said her eyes pleading, but then said nothing more.

I walked over to the table and picked it up.  Then I walked back to JC’s room.  Brian let me in when I knocked.

Brian smiled at me.  “Place it on the table and take a seat Amy.”

I did as directed sitting uncomfortably in a hard chair.

“So Josh and I came to an understanding.  Know that I am not agreeing to anything but getting to know him better, and allowing you to do the same.  There are no promises or guarantees here.  I will be open minded in this process.”  Brian opened up the briefcase and pulled out a packet.  He then narrated the contents to me.  “In that package Josh will find basic information on you.  It includes general psychological, financial and legal matters.  It also explains dad’s will and the process going forward if  Josh is to date you.  Dad wrote an application for any suitors that came.  The first step is for him to fill it out.  Would you like me to give this to Josh to complete if he desires?” Brian earnestly asked me.

I honestly didn’t think I would have much say in this.  I certainly didn’t think something like this would come so fast.  I definitely didn’t think daddy spent any time thinking about this, and it came as a shock to find out he did.  I was also a little uncomfortable that Josh was going to be able to comb through all my personal information.  It wasn’t like I didn’t share everything with Josh in my letters.  I didn’t think he would find anything in there he didn’t already know.  It was just weird having it all written out like that so formally.  It was like I was a stock trade instead of a person.  Knowing all this made me really skeptical about Brian’s intentions.

“What am I committing to?”  I wanted to clarify what would be expected of me in this process.  If I couldn’t live up to those expectations all of this would be pointless.

“If I like what he writes on his application, I will give him permission to ask you on a date.  If you find that there is enough chemistry, and that you have enough in common to pursue something past casual dates then he will petition me further.”  Brian explained to me.

“Am I allowed to say no?”  I asked.  I didn’t want this forced on me, but at the same time this was the only thing I wanted.  I needed to know that I had some type of choice in all of this.

“At any point you don’t feel comfortable and for any reason you can say no.  The earlier you say it in the process the better.”  He patted me on the shoulder trying to reassure me that this was a safe decision.

“Are you going to give these applications to just anybody?”  I asked, wanting to know if Josh was the only one in the running at this point.

“Only who you direct me to. I have two sets of forms.  One is what I am giving Josh.  I will know him better than you do by the time he is done with that thing.  I also have a one pager if you need a date to a dance or something like that.  That basically asks about contacts, numbers and references so a background check can be conducted to determine if the guy is safe.  It also has a couple pledges he makes about getting you home on time safely and undefiled.  Failure to live up to his promises could lead to his untimely castration or death.”  He warned menacingly.

My curiosity peaked, “Will I get to read the applications?” I wanted to know exactly how much information I would be given about my possible suitors.

“No.” Brian said simply.

“Why not?” I questioned in that confrontational voice of mine.

He took a deep breath, trying his damndest not to snap at me.  Finally he explained. “You should be asking most of the questions on your own.  What I need to know and what you need to know are two entirely different things.  For instance, you don’t need to know your date’s financial portfolio until much later in the courting process.  However if I allow a guy to ask you out for more than just a one off date you better believe that thing is solid.  What you need to know is how he treats you and how he treats others around him.”

“You may give Josh the application.” I finally decreed confidently.  I did not know then the wild ride I put into motion.

Josh opened the packet and looked at the sheer volume of pages.  He scanned through the questions.  “Wow this was more intense than I thought.  Would you mind if I have my lawyer look over these forms?”

“I would be disappointed if you didn’t.” Brian said, giving his permission.

“I would like him to draft a non disclosure agreement about these documents as well.” Josh insisted.

Brian nodded as if this was all customary, “That is understandable with your celebrity.”

“I know that you said you wouldn’t let Amy outright read the applications, do I have the right to share things as I feel our relationship has progressed to the stage of her needing to know?”  Josh asked, trying to see what his rights were.

“By the time she agrees to wear your ring and collar she should know everything, if not before then.  It would be up to you to lead the relationship within the boundaries I have laid out.” Brian said as if it shouldn’t have been a concern.

“When do you want the paperwork back?” Josh asked, a little fearful that he couldn’t get it all done by Brian’s deadline.

“You have until her 18th birthday.” Brian announced and Josh visibly relaxed.  Brian went on to explain,  “I will not give my consent before then.  Though it would be useful to get all these preliminary legalities out of way.  This is my sister.  I take this seriously and each question I will consider.  I will call and ask clarifying questions and have you revise things as necessary.  Consider this round one.”  

Brian had taken to pacing again measuring the strength of Josh’s character with his eyes.

“Your dad really didn’t want to marry off his daughter did he?” Josh joked to lighten the mood.

“Probably not, at least not to someone that didn’t take the lifestyle seriously.  I figure this is a huge barrier.  If you are not willing to do this, we don’t need to waste anyone’s time.”  Brian threatened.

Resuming a serious demeanor Josh said, “I didn’t say that.  Do you want it all at once or can I submit it in chunks?”

“That is up to you.  Though the more I approve of you, the more access I will be willing to give you to Amy.  Also know that any time she tires of your ass this process is over no questions asked.  If she says no, that is final.”  Brian again warned.  It was comforting to me that I had a way out if I didn’t see this working. 

“Will Amy be allowed to see others while I wait for your response?”  Josh asked curiously.

“I want Amy to date while she is away at school.  However she is to remain pure until she marries.  I expect all her dates to be in groups or chaperoned until such a time engagement.” Brian said outlining my expectation for the next two years.  He wanted me to date other people and have a life. At the same time that life would be controlled and there were lines I couldn’t cross, even the suspicion of crossing those lines could ruin everything.  

As I was pondering what Brian’s pronouncement meant in my life, Josh asked a surprising question, “What type of fidelity is expected of me?”

“You are the man in the relationship.  It is not expected at all.  If you want your relationship with Amy to be polyamorous we will have that discussion as to how the dynamics would work and  your other sub would have to submit to questioning and a background check as well.”  Brian explained to Josh as if he was still a boy.

I blanched.  I couldn’t imagine sharing Josh with anyone.  It was hard enough to share him with all the fans and his music.  Bravely, I spoke up.  “If that is the case, then I don’t want it at all.” 

“Amy, you don’t have the right to demand that.  You are the sub.”  Brian reprimanded me harshly.

Josh shook his head,  “No she has every right.  Polyamory is on every limit list I have ever seen.  She  can declare the things she doesn’t want in a relationship.  I have the right to consent to the limit or if I don’t agree, choose not to pursue.  I feel her request is a fair one.  I will not have a sexual relationship with anyone while I am pursuing Amy.  Just like she will need to have dates for events, I will as well. Trust will have to win the day that nothing happened beyond what was seen in public.  Kitten, does that meet your approval.”

“I don’t want to date anyone else.”  I pouted.

He smiled softly at me,  “I want you to.  There will be many events you will need or want to go to.  I don’t want you sitting in your dorm room alone simply because you can’t be with me.”

“Fine but I won’t like it.” I said not wanting to give in.

He decided to laugh my rebellion off, giving me the last word on the matter for now, while we were in front of my brother.

“So JC, in making Amy a bespoke sub. what would you think needs to go into her training?”  Brian asked curiously.

“Honestly I would like it to be authentic to who I am.  No one would be able to train my specific wants and needs.  Since there are no guarantees here it would have to be very general as I said earlier I want her to be her own independent autonomous person.  I want her to follow her dreams, and develop her talents, maybe even pick up some marketable skills.  One area I think she needs to grow in is interpersonal communication.  I find it sexy when a woman knows what she wants and can tell me in blunt terms.”  Josh detailed what he thought the next two years of my life should look like.  Everything he suggested seemed reasonable but I knew it was not the concrete answer my brother wanted.

“So not respect or obedience?” Brian further questioned.

“While I expect basic respect as a human being, her submission to my control has to be earned.  It can’t be trained into her.  It will come out of her feelings of love, trust and security.”Josh said sagely and confidently.  

“I think I know your answer to this one, but it is protocol that I ask.  Is there anything specific sexually you want her to be able to do from day one?”  He asked, testing Josh.

“No, that will be private between the two of us when the time comes.  I want a complete blank slate when it comes to that.  I don’t want to train away bad habits.”

Brian smiled,  “Good answer.  I think it was one of dad’s elimination questions.  You passed that test at least.”

 “Well thank you. If you both would excuse me though this line of questioning is going to lead to me embarrassing myself.  I would like to take a shower before we head to the lake.”  Josh said, walking us to the door.

Brian smiled,  “As you wish JC.  Amy, come along.  Let’s give this man some privacy.”

I nodded and followed Brian out of the room not believing that he was thinking about taking steps in making my dreams come true.