You are going to meet several new characters in this one.  I hope you like a few of them, and love to hate a couple of them as well.  

Not a Girl

At brunch a few days later an older woman met Chris, Josh and myself at the Panera we stopped at.  She wore a red pencil cut Brooks Brothers dress with black trim, showing off her figure yet showing very little skin.   She had a string of pearls flanking her neck that comfortably displayed a padlock with a raised R on it.  Her Jimmy Choo kitten heels highlighted her hosiery which formed a second skin of satin on her long and shapely legs that hinted at the lacey pieces she was undoubtedly wearing made of silk and lace.  Her sleek black hair was partially tied in a bun.  She was elegant and self confident, and nothing like me.

Chris beamed and kissed both her cheeks.  Josh did the same.  I wondered if this was the type of woman Josh would really want.  She was, in a word, intimidating.

“Monica, I am glad you could come at such short notice.”  Relief was thick in Chris' voice.  I felt guilty that I caused him such worry.  If I didn’t watch it, Renee would have to start dying his hair to cover the gray I was causing.  

She tugged an errant strand of hair behind her ear as she adjusted her black rimmed cat eyed glasses as she went over her notes. “When Robbie told me, I knew this was where I needed to be.  I’ve cleared my schedule for the week to focus on laying the groundwork.”

“Were you able to get the files?  I signed the documents to share, but unfortunately they would only give them to a professional.” Chris complained.    

“I did.  It was fairly expansive reading for the plane.”  She said aloofly.

He smiled,  “If there is anything else you need, let me know.  The guys and I will do anything to help you on this.” He assured her.  Chris turned and questioned me.  “What I want to know is how?  I took everything possible.”

“I hid the razor blade in the cushion of my tennis shoes.”  I sheepishly admitted.

“Are they there now?” He cocked his eyebrow at me.

I nodded.

“Well take your shoes off and hand them over.”  He held his hand out expecting my complete obedience.

I went to obey but a panic attack took over.  I started wheezing.  I thought I was dying.  

“Stop with the dramatics and do it now Amy.” Chris rolled his eyes.

I just froze.  Josh went to me, hugging me tightly.  “I have you kitten.  Just breathe.”

I clung tightly to him and tried to focus simply on him, and the rise and fall of his chest.  As he rubbed my back the pain started to loosen and I was able to exhale, and then intake a solid breath.  He held me until I started breathing normally, when he finally let me go he handed me a glass of water.  “Drink it all, kitten.”  He ordered softly.

Without question I sat and obeyed.  As I was talking he commanded.  “Give me a foot.”

I swung the one into his lap.  He smiled and removed my shoe, tossing it over to Chris. He smiled,  “That’s a good girl now the other one.”

I obliged.  He handed the other shoe off to Chris and then squeezed both my feet and started to rub them a little.

“Um puppy.  You did good.  Now let her go.” Monica reprimanded him.

Surprisingly he perked up and did exactly as he was told.  I however immediately felt cold without his touch and pulled my legs into myself for warmth.

Monica looked down at her papers, and made some notes simply observing my response.  When she noticed my discomfort she looked back down.  After a few minutes had passed she looked back up and focused her gaze on Chris  “The biggest thing I want to know is what your goal is here?”  

“To keep her alive.”  Chris solemnly said, and it twisted something in my gut.

“There are tons of ways to do that.  Some are more pleasant than others.  Many know what I do?  Why do you want me here?”  She asked, confused.

Chris sighed, running his fingers through his hair.  “I don’t want her to have to go back to the hospital again.”

“That is one treatment model.”  She acknowledged humming as she looked back through my history.   “But from what I have seen it is not effective. How long is Amy staying with you guys?”

“Until mid August.” Chris confirmed, not really knowing her point.

“And the plan for after?”  She probed more.

“College.” Chris supplied with hesitation in his voice.  

“Hmm we will talk about that more later, but let’s assume it is that or some similar environment.  She needs tools to self regulate.  The medications when she is not cycling tend to have some positive effect.  It is far too much for my liking, but without tools she will likely need stronger and stronger dosages as time goes on.”  She prattled on, her treatment plan starting to take place.

I huffed,  “If you are just going to talk around me, there is no reason for my being here.”  I got up, Josh reached out and pulled me down to sit on his lap. I squirmed, “Let me go Josh.”

“No.  You need to hear this.  It will help.”  He encouraged.

“I don’t need to do anything.”  I struggled a little more.

“Give her some bodily autonomy, puppy.”  She ordered as if it was as easy as breathing. Josh released me, and I bounded off his lap.  I then slid back down in the seat beside him.  Monica looked at me sternly,  “You have a lot of work to do Amy.  I can’t make you do it.  Chris can’t make you do it.  Josh can’t make you do it.  Brian can’t make you do it. Your family can’t make you do it.  It is a choice you have to make to get better and take the steps to get your mind right.”

Josh looked at Monica,  “How do we support her?”

“You have been doing a good job at it.  Robbie was right about you.  I must  counsel you that you shouldn’t mix in romantic love with this Josh.  It is too early.  Even when Amy is of age we will have to do an assessment to make sure she is regulating properly.  She needs to be fully aware of her choice and what that means for her.  Amy, you are biting your lip.  Do you do that often?’

“I don’t know.”  I shrugged

“Show me your forearm.” She ordered.  I held it out to her and she examined it.  “Josh if you have that arnica laced with silver oxide there are few fresher cuts that can benefit.

He nodded, “I will get it for her when we get back on the bus.”  

“Same for these scratches.  Your little crescent moons will heal on their own.”  Monica looked at Josh.  “You know what this is indicative of don’t you Josh.”

He nodded,  “The signs are there, but she is not at all submissive.”

“She is 16 with a shit ton of trauma to work through.” She reminded him.  

I was fed up, “Am I invisible?”

“I am sorry Amy.  Perhaps this conversation needs to be had later.”

“So now instead of talking shit in front of me you are going to do so behind my back.”  I retorted.

“You know some in my profession would call it malpractice for me to put voice to what I am seeing.  You haven’t discovered your identity yet Amy, and I see these boys are trying to keep you as innocent as they can for as long as possible.  I am just going to say it.  You're a masochist and since that is the case I am going to provide a safer replacement behavior.”

She handed me three rubber bands of different thicknesses. “Test them out and see which one you like the best.”

I cautiously put them on my left arm and plucked one at a time.  It was like being at the eye doctor when they were asking which looked better 1 or 2, 3 or 4.

“I can’t choose.”  Each had their own sting or thud based on thickness.

“You don’t have to for now.  I am sure you will naturally begin to select one over the other or develop a pattern.  I just wanted you to know there was a difference.  Do you like the sensation Amy?”  She asked poised to take further notes on my condition.

I blushed, “Yes.”

“This is the only self harm you are allowed.   For a replacement behavior to work though there is responsibility that goes with it.  I want you to start naming your triggers and how that made you feel.  When we discover what those are we can start thinking of options to manage them.”  She explained to me carefully.  

Chris moaned,  “Is that all you are doing?  I could have done that myself and saved 20 grand.”

“Kirkpatrick this is not the time for joking around.  You will not use your defense mechanism of lame humor in my sessions unless it is meant to ease Amy’s tension.  Humor can be used the right way but we are not going to use it to minimize the problems.”

“Yes mistress.”  He saluted her.

She pointed to the door.  “Out,  I will talk to you later.”

“I’ll be good, I promise Monica.”  He begged.

“No, I set a boundary and you crossed it.  What kind of example would I be if I let you get away with that kind of behavior?”

He raised his hand in defeat.  “As you wish.”  Then he quietly walked out of the room.

“Are you punishing him later?”  Josh asked, winking.

“The door is there, puppy, do you need to use it?”  She lifted her eyebrow in direct challenge.

“No ma'am I will be a good boy.”  He straightened up some, but there was a twinkle in his eye and a bit of mirth hiding under his smirk.

She sighed, “Just go.”

Without saying a word Josh did as he was told.

“How did you do that?”  I asked in utter amazement that she could get Chris and Josh to do exactly what she wanted.

“I am a domme, Amy.  I know such a thing is rare at the club.  I am very thankful to Robbie and his training to live out my identity fully.  Don’t get it twisted though, Amy.  I am as beholden to the club as anyone else in your world.  I just had a certain ability that could be exploited in another way.  But today isn’t time to talk about the club.  Today is to get you well.  Tell me besides drugs, what have people done with you before?” She probed.

I was being put under the microscope now and I didn’t like it. Immediately my hackles went up and spewed, “Why should you care?’

“I don’t take disrespect from the caregivers.  Do you think I would from my patients?”  She asked me with a withering look.

I shook my head,  “No.”

“Let’s try again.  I asked a leading question about your care, and you defensively responded “Why should you care?” Can you ask that question in a more productive way?”  She asked, giving me a second chance of doing this the easy way. 

“Why is my history important, Doc?”  I tried to take this as seriously as she intended.

She sighed impatiently, “I don’t need a title, Amy.  Not one you would use at the club or one that I am entitled to professionally.  While we are in session I would like you to call me Monica.  As for why I need to know your history, I don’t want to recreate the wheel.  If you have done things that worked and felt good to you, I need to know. If there are things that made you uncomfortable or pissed you off I need to know that too.”

“My journal works.”  I said, throwing her a bone.

She smiled,  “It does. I was impressed with the metacognition when I read it.  You are self aware and I can use that to help you.  

“Josh shared it.”  I bit my lip again feeling the hurt of the betrayal.

“Honey, you have to see it from his point of view.  You wrote something in there if not dealt with could cause you a great deal of harm or could kill you.  He values your life more than he does your privacy.”  She explained to me a little more patiently than I deserved.

I sat there quietly thinking about it. 

A few minutes later she broke the silence.  “Now tell me something that doesn’t work.”

“Group therapy.” I rolled my eyes in utter contempt just thinking about it.

“What do you dislike about it?”  She inquired seriously. 

No one had ever asked me that question before, so I decided to answer it honestly.  “Its usually me listening to people rattle on about how fucked up their lives are.  Their problems have nothing to do with mine.”

“That is valid, you are not going to grow your identity that way.  Now I am not discounting the method.  For some it is helpful to realize they are not alone and have a support system.  You are just not in a place where it can benefit you.  So what else is positive, I hate to bring it up again but you were recommending that John Grisham book to Josh.  Do you like to read Amy?”  She asked, trying to steer us both to a more pleasant subject.

“I do.” I said smiling.

“Has anyone introduced bibliotherapy to you?” She asked as if it was something on her checklist.

That was a new concept for me.  I couldn’t quite connect it yet. “Book therapy?  How is reading therapy going to help?”

She wasn’t ready to connect the dots for me yet.  “We may look into it more.  For now I don’t want you to see it as work. See it as a way to simply get to know Josh better.  A book gives you something neutral to talk about, but it can bring up values and character traits, themes and ideas that will challenge the both of you.  You seemed to have some shorthand and inside jokes with the writing too.  May I ask, what are your feelings towards Josh?”

I shrugged.  She was a stranger.  I was not sure of my true feelings yet.  Why would I share something with her that I hadn’t shared with Josh or even myself.

She smiled tightly, “Good girl,  I wouldn’t admit them either if I had them.  Let me remind you, I am a mandated reporter.  I take this seriously, Amy.”

I nodded.  

“Let’s take this in another direction.  Chris told me he had you working out with your security.  I believe he picked Mike for you.”  She led the discussion away again from a touchy subject.

“Yes, Mike is a sadist.” I complained.

“The best physical trainers are. Describe your workout and nutrition plan.” She commanded.  

“What does that have to do with anything?" I questioned not really seeing where she was going with all this and what it had to do with my cutting.

“Sometimes to heal the emotional, the physical needs to be managed.” She quipped and created space for me to talk.  

I rolled my eyes again, and explained my latest workout routine Mike had created.

“So you do that all in the room,  you don’t go to the hotel gym or outside?”  She asked, a little amazed.

“Not since I have been grounded.” I sighed.  Outside workouts were so much better.

She bit her lip and thought for a minute.  “I will go to bat for you with Chris on that one.  You need more time outside. Now what about food?”

“Prior to my grounding I just ate whenever I got hungry, normally pizza, or burgers, that kind of thing.  When Chris took away the debit card, I got my meals at fixed times during the day.  They were nutritious but bland.  But that is going to be better, I think Josh has taken over the ordering for him.”  I offered, but then thought that I probably should of shared that.

Luckily she didn’t spend too much time on the topic. “Hmm, that can be interesting so long as someone else is actually cooking the meal.  You’ll have to tell me how that goes.  So, are you sleeping?”

“I sleep through the night with the assistance of a sleeping pill.  It helps keep the night terrors away.”  I explained.

“Chris mentioned some resistance to that medication.” She commented, leading me skillfully to admitting my noncompliance.

“I don’t like how it makes me feel in the morning.  I feel groggy often throughout the day when I take it.  I will have nightmares if I don’t.”  I told her simply.

“Despite the side effects it will have to be part of your treatment plan.  No exceptions, those boys have my permission to force feed it to you, if you give them any problems on this.”  She leveled her eyes at me.

I didn’t protest.  It would simply be easier to take them.  “I understand.”  I said softly.

“So let’s review.  You have the replacement behavior rubber band.  You will get proper nutrition, exercise and take your medications.  You will write in your journal daily.  You will read the books you or Josh decide are interesting.  And I will get Chris to reinstate your job on tour.  I will stay in your room for a week and observe.  You are to go about your day's activities as if I am not here.  I want you to say yes to any opportunity the guys give to socialize with them, I will however caution them against clubs as it seems that they might not be the safest places for you right now.  We will have our daily session as we have lunch together.  I will give Chris my recommendation for further treatment at the end of the week.”  She summarized our meeting.

I agreed and we concluded the least painful intake session I have ever had. When I got back on the bus I watched a movie with the guys until we reached the venue.  Then instead of being routed to the hotel I got routed back to the meet and greet room.  I was quickly given a job and the pace of the day increased from there.  Chris wanted me close so I watched from backstage that night.

When I got back to my bunk, I smiled at the bunch of wild flowers that were in a vase anchored to my bed.  I felt an intense stare on my back, when I turned around Josh simply smirked and winked at me.  I softly smiled back and smelled the fragrant bunch mouthing “thank you.”  I curled into my bunk writing in my journal about the day and the substantial improvements that occurred in my life.

The next week went rather quickly as I was kept busy.  I found that for once I actually liked talking to my shrink.  However, Monica wasn’t pushing me.  When I asked about it that third day at lunch she shrugged,  “That is not what you need right now, Amy. I am sure we will get to it eventually if you keep me on as your therapist, but these sessions are simply to make sure your crisis is resolving, and that the strategies you are implementing are working.  I am pleased with what I am seeing so far.  But we will talk more with the guys on Friday to go over your prognosis and follow up recommendations.”

That evening I was sitting at my post in the meet and greet room when someone came up behind me.  Thinking it was Justin I was getting ready to backhand him and evade his hold.  The fans hadn’t been let in yet which was weird.  Usually people were all checked in and cued up before the guys found their way in here, as events were always very busy for everyone.  As I turned around there was a tall muscular man with a sandy brown buzz cut with placid ocean blue eyes. A jagged scar marred from under his eye to his chin marred his otherwise unblemished face.  I let out a squeal and raised from my seat to hug him.

“Brian, what are you doing here?” I questioned as if these world’s didn’t ever connect.  

“I am on leave.  I thought I would see how you were really doing before I got shipped back out again.”  He answered, looking me over as he hadn’t seen me in years.

“Are Shannon and the kids here?”  I asked.

“They are at the hotel getting settled in.  Shannon wanted the babies to nap before the show.  They will be back here tonight though.  I see Chris has you working for him.”  He pointed out the obvious.

“It is nothing.” I deflected.

“When you finish your duty, meet me in the guy’s play room and we will find a quiet corner to have dinner.  I want to hear about this trip you are on.”  He said with a smile.  

I nodded,  “Yes sir.”

He patted my shoulder,   “Good girl.”  He praised me and left me to do my tasks for the rest of the afternoon.

The guys were all in good spirits as they met with the fans, and the afternoon went quickly.  Gina had seen me talking to Brian and shooed me out of the room the moment the last fan left.  I felt bad that I wasn’t participating in the clean up but since my supervisor had commanded it I wasn’t neglecting my duty.  It would be okay.  However the anxiety bubbling up inside me was not okay.  I strummed the rubber bands a couple times to bring me back into the present, and headed for the playroom.

When I entered, I heard children giggling.  Two were hanging on to Joey and the two littles were being hoisted in the air by Justin.  My step sister was trying to keep my one year old niece from running out of the playroom naked and Shannon was sitting in a rocking chair with the baby.  I smiled and braced Rosie and handed her off to Kasey to get her dress back on her.

“Does Shannon have you doing babysitting duty, Kasey?”  I asked.

“Just helping some.  Reegan is filling plates.”  She responded as she was smoothing Rosie’s dress.

“Whose Reegan?” I asked curiously.

Kasey slumped holding the baby on her hip. “Brian, got us a new nanny.  I don’t like her very much.”

“She’s not hurting you is she?”  The question was a knee jerk reaction.  I didn’t remember everything that I did, but I most certainly remembered that my actions were meant to keep Kasey, Meggy, and Brady safe.  My mama bear claws were about to come out.

“No nothing like that, but I think Brian may be sleeping with her.  Shannon isn’t happy.”  I could see her sad face momentarily.  She was discovering a person she thought walked on water was not as perfect as she once believed and that is really hard for a kid.

That was hard information for me too. I did not have the time and desire to process.   I wouldn’t ask and I knew he wouldn’t tell.  I nodded, “So long as you are safe.”  

She smiled,  “Guess what?

“What?” I matched the energy of her excitement.

“I got to meet Justin Timberlake.”  She squealed a little.

It was everything I could do not to roll my eyes.  “That’s great sis.”

“Now all you have to do is meet JC, and then we will marry them and will be able to live together forever.” She prattled the fairytale.

At that moment Josh walked up behind me.  He wrapped his arms around me and leaned his chin on my shoulder, looking down at Kasey.  “She’s already met me honey.  But trust me you don’t want that one over there.”  pointing to Justin squishing up his nose.  “He smells.”

I bit my lip attempting not to crack up at Kasey's huge eyes.  I was about to say something when I heard Brian’s voice.  “Did you get distracted from your mission, Amy? I am over here.”

Panicking, I shrugged Josh’s arms off of me.  Not liking my brush off he grabbed my hand and led me over to Brian, not at all hiding what we were becoming.

Josh reached out to shake Brian’s hand,  “I’m JC Chasez.  It is nice to finally meet you Brian.”

“Good to meet you too.  Take a seat man.” He pointed to the one on his right side.  He then directed me.  “Amy, I have a seat for you.”  He pointed to the left side of him.  Reluctantly I let go of Josh’s hand and sat where commanded. Josh stood as I got settled into my seat before sliding into the seat by Brian.

Kasey came bounding over.  “Don’t they look super cute together, Brian?” She enthusiastically asked. 

Truth out of the mouth of babes.  Brian looked between the two of us.  “They are good friends and have had time to hang out.  That is all you are seeing.  Go round up the kids for dinner.”  He commanded dismissing her. 

He turned to Josh,  “Sorry that one has watched too many Disney Princesses movies.”

Josh smiled, one that actually reached his eyes.  “That’s okay man.  Most of our fans have her enthusiasm.  She is going to have fun tonight at the show I am sure.”

Brian nodded, “So Chris has told you about what is involved in Amy’s contract.”

Josh solemnly nodded,  “He has.”

“I have seen you in action and have many reservations.”  He commented with a hard stare.

“When was that?” Josh asked to clarify.

“Back when you guys were preparing to go to Germany.”  He told Josh.

“Ah, I see.  I have grown a lot since then in skill and beliefs.  Back then it was all about sex.”  Josh explained.

“And that hasn’t changed for you?”  Brian continued to interrogate.

“I am not going to lie.  It is a pretty high drive, and anyone with me will have a lot to deal with, but I have mastered my control over myself and my partners.”  The confidence and ego was oozing off of him.

“I see and just how many partners do you have?”  Brian interrogated further.

“Now, none.” Josh answered simply with no guile.

“So you just troll the clubs then.”  Brian commented in a distasteful tone. 

“I avoid them as often as I can.  Demonstrations are sometimes required of me.”  Josh explained matter of factly. 

“If I were to choose you to fulfill the requirements of the contract would Amy become one of your demonstration models?” He asked, in a way that implied something really dirty.

“Not until she is completely trained.”  Josh clarified.  I didn’t know whether I should be fearful or excited with the possibility.  

“I see.”  Brian said in a noncommittal grunt.

In an effort to allay my brother’s  fears, Josh launched himself into an explanation. “I don’t like it any better than you do, but you know I can’t make promises when it comes to the club like that.  One never knows all the expectations.  I can only promise that as much as it depends on me I endeavor to have no harm come to her.”

It was then Reegan came over with plates.  “Sir, here is your dinner, and yours as well Master Chasez.”  She averted her eyes.  Josh shifted in his chair uncomfortably.

“Thank you Reegan.  Go get Amy’s now and then you are free to make your own and take your dinner break.” Brian ordered.  He called her back, lowering his voice.  “Master" is a title reserved for the bedroom and club.  Any man worth his salt earns that title.  You have no relationship with this man and therefore sir, Mr. Chasez or JC should work.”  

Blushing a little for Reegan’s discomfort, Josh added,  “JC will work just fine, honey.” 

Brian waved her away,  “Go now, Reegan.”

She gave me the stink eye,  “Yes sir.” and flounced off.  There was something to Kasey’s assessment of this one.  I would have to call Shannon more often to make sure things were okay.

Within two minutes Reegan came back with my plate.  I looked down and noticed it contained the same items that she would have gotten for the kids, and at the same portion sizes. I gave her a tight smile,  “Thank you Reegan.”  I said politely and pushed the items around my plate as the guys had changed the conversation to more innocuous things like music and the Redskins.

Josh looked over at me.  “You will eat it all, kitten.”  He said in a voice so smooth it had no edge.  Adding balm to the wound he added.  “If you want more, babe, you can go back to the line, there is plenty.”  He then asked Brian about a movie that he was hoping to see.

Although the attention was off of me, I knew both men were watching me still, so I followed command.  I would not make an appeal for something so trivial.  I quickly finished my meal as Brian and Josh carried on their conversation around me.

A little while later I noticed Renee out of the corner of my eye,  Josh had seen her as well.

He rose.  “I am sorry but it looks as if I am needed in hair and makeup.  How long are you going to be in town, man?”

“I'm staying through the weekend.  We will talk more tomorrow night.”  Brian said, at that Josh smiled briefly at me and walked away.  I watched him go until he was out of sight.

Brian chuckled,  “You are worse than Kasey.  At least with her I know there is not a snowball's chance in hell of it happening.”  

I blushed, “You don’t have anything to worry about.”  I confessed.

“Don’t lie to me Amy.  I know you are smitten and have been for years.  That is not a problem until the man in question has eyes for you too. I have a lot to think about Amy.  He is not to pursue you nor are you to accept his advances until such a time as I give my permission.  Is that understood?”  His look was stone and I knew he would entertain no arguments on the matter.

“Yes sir.” I practically wilted at the acceptance of the command.

Brian smiled, “So tell me about the trip.  Shannon said "you got to try surfing.”

I shrugged picking at my hoodie, “It's not all it is cracked up to be.”  I admitted flippantly.

Brian raised his eyebrow,  "That’s not what I heard from Shannon.”

“Shannon has too much to worry about as it is.  I tell her only happy things.”  I admitted.

Brian nodded, “I watched you work today from the open doorway. You looked happy hanging out with the fans,  and I bet the shows are awesome to watch.”

I smiled,  “They are.”

“Chris mentioned you are already done with your summer classes?”  He questing more trying to get me to open up.

“Yeah he gave me some uninterrupted time a couple weeks ago to get it done.” I sheepishly admitted.

Brian leveled a stern look at me,  “And why did you get all of that time?’

“I was kind of grounded.”  I looked at my shoes not wanting to talk about it any longer.

“And why was that?”  He led me into a trap of my own making that certainly would include double punishment.

“I went to a club the guys were at without Chris’s permission.” I admitted because lying would simply be suicide by police.

“I see, well it is good to know he is not afraid to discipline you.  When Chris told me about it I thought he might be going a tad too far but it seems that he has made an impression on you.  Whoever, I give you away to, you will have to learn to submit and obey Amy.”  He was winding up his lecture on family safety and responsibility.