Part 10  The Grounding

The next morning Chris was knocking at my door.  Renee got up and opened the door.

“What the fuck are you doing you neanderathal, it is like zero dark thirty.”  She yelled at him with her hand on her hip.

“I need to speak with Amy.”  He said pushing through the door.

Renee rolled her eyes and went back to her bed.  “She’s still out of it.”

I sighed,  “I am up.”

Chris turned to Renee,  “You might want to find somewhere else to go back to bed Renee.  It is going to be awhile.”

“Oh hell no.  Just my luck Lance will spot me walking out of there and then Damon will be here, and that would not look good.”

“As you wish.”  He wiggled his eyebrows and then schooled his amusement as he mustered his rage against me.

Seeing the look on Chris’s face Renee thought better of it and cleared out, going to where I had no idea.

Chris turned his attention to me.  “What the fuck were you thinking last night?”

“I wanted to have a good time.”  I said still not taking it too seriously.

“Was it?”  He asked pointedly.

I thought about the way it ended.  Josh was not happy with me.  “No.”

“Good.  I can guarantee that good times are over for the duration of this tour.”  He declared in a fatherly tone.

“What do you mean?”  I bit my bottom lip nervously.  

“Amy, I have to know where you are, and trust that you are where you are supposed to be.  Last night you were in the lion's den.  You used dubious and unsafe methods to get to the club.  If that kid that drove you was unscrupulous or worse yet a club member, I don’t know what I would do.  You were without security.  It was lucky Lance and Josh found you when they did.  Do you have any fucking clue what could have happened?  I am so angry right now that if I attempted to spank you for this I would cause you serious harm.  For that reason I am not going to.  Instead you are grounded.  Until you leave this tour in August you are restricted to your hotel room or the bus.”  As quickly as he barged in he stormed out after giving his edict.

About ten minutes later he came back into the room.  “Amy, I need you to be honest with me.  When was the last time you had any drugs or alcohol?”

“When we were in LA, the day we went surfing I had a glass of wine with dinner.”  I looked at him strangely.

“Drugs?” He persisted in his line of questioning.

“Nothing that isn’t prescribed.”  I said indignantly.

“Let’s pray that the wine has been out of your system long enough.  If not you could get another 12 months probation or be assigned back into rehab.”  He explained.

“You're not going to tell them about last night.”  I questioned.

“No, if you didn’t drink, it technically won’t fault you in that respect.  Though you are still in a lot of trouble with me young lady.  Here is your report from me and service hours documentation.  When Elijah called me, he said that it would be your last meeting.  You are still barred from getting your license til you turn 18 but it will be good to be done with probation.”  He explained clinically.

“Will I have to go back to mom and Mark?”  I asked nervously.

“No, parental rights have been severed, Amy.  You don’t remember that?” Looked at me skeptically trying to figure what I had repressed and what was still at the surface.

“Everything around the thing is foggy, Chris.”  I was barely holding it together.  We never talked about this.  

He hugged me tight, smoothing my hair. “Not foggy enough if you are asking questions, and have the types of nightmares you are having.  I can reinforce the block Brian gave you if you want me too.”

I shook my head,  “I don’t like feeling like a part of me is missing.”

“I just don’t want you to disassociate or something.  Maybe I should get you a session.”  His eyes darkened with concern. 

I sighed.  I wanted to yell at him but that might just prove his point.  Calmly I pointed out. “I snuck out of the hotel Chris.  It is the action of a normal 16 year old. You should be worried if I wasn’t doing shit.”

He sighed.  “I sometimes forget what it is to be that age.  It doesn’t make it right though.”  He kissed the top of my head.  “Mike will take you downtown at 9 be ready.”  At that he left my room.

Since I was up anyway I decided to shower and get ready.  Once done I went to open my door to go down to breakfast.  Mike was right there.

“Morning Miss Kitty.  Your breakfast should be ready soon,  I will bring it in when it arrives.”  He softly explained.

I looked at him strangely.  “I haven’t ordered anything.”

“Chris took care of it.  We leave for the probation office at nine.  I would relax and watch some tv while you still can.  Oh and Amy, will you get your medicine and give it to me.”  He looked pointedly at me.  I felt like a child.

“Why Mike?”  I asked suspiciously, as if another restriction was placed on me. 

“Chris is going hardcore on this.  He doesn’t want you to make any stupid decisions.  You will still get your required dosages.  You have just lost the privilege of managing that yourself.  If you have over the counter stuff I will need that too.”  Mike told me, with a sadness in his voice.  It was as if he really didn’t want to be an enforcer.

I sighed.  “What’s for breakfast Mike?”

“Oatmeal.”  He said simply.

“And?”  I questioned further.

“Tea.”  He shrugged.

“And?”  

“That’s all.”  He said.

“Is he trying to kill me?”  I asked, realizing my restrictions would be heavy.

He laughed, “You do the crime, you do the time.”

When I finished my paltry breakfast Mike walked me down to the town car.  We went downtown.  As I walked into the building I was patted down and made to sit in a waiting room. A female guard came out and called my name.  I followed her back to the restroom and she explained how to get a proper sample.  I was grateful Mike made me drink a water bottle on the way over.  Otherwise it would have taken forever.  I placed the sample at the required place and then was made to wait another two hours.  Luckily, Mike brought a US Today from the hotel and he was willing to share.  When we were heading on hour three Mike politely asked what the hold up was.  He was told they were simply waiting for my results to come back from the lab.   At 3:45, I was called to go back.  

The probation officer was more concerned about his paperwork than he was about my rehabilitation. I was asked the standard questions, and then he looked at my test results.  He confirmed my prescriptions and then signed off on them. “It seems like everything is in order.  You have your service hours, a plan for where you are living and for school.   Your report from your therapist was optimistic, and your guardian confirmed you are compliant with your treatment plan.   As long as you do not step into the state of Colorado without your parents or guardians you should be fine.  Your license is still suspended till your 18th birthday but you will not have to meet with me again or take another drug test for the state.  Stay out of trouble Miss Putnam.  I don’t want to see you back here again.”

I nodded solemnly, “Yes sir.” 

He walked me back to Mike and we left for the buses.  

Mike smiled at me.  “Sucks that this day came on one which you are in trouble.  Where do you want to eat dinner?  My treat.”

“You don’t have to Mike.” I commented.  I didn’t want to make it a big deal.

“Look we both have to eat, and Lonnie told me that the catering sucks tonight, so to make myself happy I do.”  He smirked.

“How does Mexican sound?”  I asked.  I knew I would probably regret it later, but now it sounded good.

He nodded and we found a place close to the venue.  Once done I was escorted back to the buses to wait til we had to hit the road again.   

A couple days into the grounding, I went back to my bunk and found a single white rose.  I was sad that I had to leave it.  I wasn’t allowed my bags and was forced to use the toiletries the hotel placed in my room.  Mike took my remote, the landline, and clock radio.  He double checked the mini fridge for alcohol and then left me nothing but a Gideon Bible,  two scraps of hotel stationary and a hotel pen that would surely clump and not be able to write more than two words.  It was fucking depressing.  I got a basic grilled chicken salad for lunch, and about 5 hours later I got some plain grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and  half cup of brown rice for dinner.  At bed time I was given an apple and glass of milk along with my pills.  That was Groundhog Day for the next 2 weeks of my life.    

On hotel days Mike did come in and show me some exercises I could do in the room.  He had me run in place for 10 minutes, then I did three sets of 100 squats, lunges, pushups, and situps.  I then did 10 minutes of jumping jacks.  Before I stretched out I had to attempt 6 one minute planks.  I think Mike was being extra sadistic because of all of the grief I put him through. I was however getting stronger and raising my endurance levels.  

One day my school books, a pen, highlighter and notebook magically appeared.  I was never so excited about doing homework in my life.  By the end of the week since there really were no distractions I completed the syllabus.  I would have to type it up to send it in, but the main part of the work was done.  

It was also curious that since the school books arrived there were bouquets in the room every day.  The flowers were the state flower of whichever state we were in at the moment.  On the second week of this, instead of books for my class, there was a random book and a journal placed in the room.  I opened the journal.  A small note fell out.

Kitten -

Thank you for obeying Chris.  Strangely, it gives me hope.  I am glad you finished all your homework for the summer.  Now we can play a game of sorts, if you are willing that is.  You aren’t obligated to participate but I think you will find it enlightening.   Your first task in this adventure if you choose is to read the book I provided you.  

Much Love and Respect,

JC

I devoured the novel in under 10 hours.  Then I gave the book report Josh requested.  It was a popular John Grisham novel.  Nothing in it really stood out, but it was pleasurable getting lost in the world for a while to escape the problems I created for myself.  I thought Josh would like the story and he should read it as well if he wanted because it wasn’t a complete waste of time.  After I reviewed the book enough without giving away too much, I started writing about my feelings.  It flooded the page.  I felt guilty.  I was too much for him, or anyone.  As the surface issues burned away into notebook paper I started to get real.

My journal contained the following

So I have been cutting.  There I said it.  I know you probably have questions, so let me handle the ones I know you are going to have here.

I started doing it when I was in my last place. My roommate was doing it and she taught me how to do it and not get caught.  I tried it a couple of times but I didn’t really see the point in it except for momentary numbness.  Things had been going good for a while.  However my happiness has to be balanced by the universe.  The day we went surfing I came back to the hotel and kicked over  Renee’s bag.  Two razor blades fell out.  I took them.  After coming back from dinner I made my first cut.  I quickly thought better of it because having blood leaking from too many parts just seems dangerous.  I  didn’t do it again until my first night of grounding.  I have made a small cut every night since.  I don’t know if I can stop.

It was a cry for help.  I don’t know to this day what gave me the courage to write those words and then turn around and share them with Josh.  The next day I thought he would confront me about it on the bus, but he didn’t.  He waited till he could get me alone the next day.

It was early afternoon just a bit before my scheduled lunch.  I was in the bathroom when I heard someone banging around.

“Mike, I will be right out.”  I said.

“It’s not Mike.”  Josh’s voice rang out.

“I can see that.  Josh, what are you doing here?”  I said pulling my hoodie tighter around me.

“I wanted to have lunch with you.”  He said sincerely.  “I have missed you.”

“How is it possible you are here? You have radio spots all day.”  I looked at him as if I was seeing a mirage or talking to a ghost.

He faked a cough.  “Seems I am sick.  The doctor ordered vocal rest for the day.  However I foresee myself being magically cured by soundcheck.  I set our food up on the deck.  You could use some sun.”

I followed him out.

He looked me up and down.  “It's like in the 90's, Amy.  Take that hoodie off.  I am hot just looking at you.”

“I know you were arrogant, I just didn’t know how much Mr. Hotness.”  I joked to deflect his command.

He laughed,  “Seriously Amy.  I read your journal.  I know.  There is no sense in trying to hide it from me.”

I hung my head.  “They are so ugly Josh.”

He crossed his arms and silently just gave me the look.  All the objections that were swirling in my head began to crumble under the weight of it. 

 He bridged the gap between us holding out his hand to me.  “We will do this together.”

I took a deep breath and unzipped the hoodie, placing it neatly on my chair.  Immediately he was there.  His arms wrapped tightly around me and I drenched his shirt with my tears.  Tenderly he rubbed my back and petted my hair trying to soothe me.  He kissed the top of my head.  “You have know idea how brave you are.”

“If I was brave, I wouldn’t do this.” I threw away the compliment.

He smiled weakly and took my hand walking me over to the food.  “Come let’s eat.”

I nodded and sat down as he unveiled the gourmet burgers,  crinkle cut sweet potato fries, and a side salad.  “Wow, this looks really good.”

“Enjoy it, baby.”  He smiled softly, enjoying my gratitude towards him.

I took a bite of the juicy burger and there were know words to explain it after being without it for so long. My eyes rolled back at the taste of it.

Josh laughed,  “If I knew, I would have been treated to a Meg Ryan moment, I would have done this a lot sooner.”

“Meg Ryan moment?”  I squished my nose in puzzlement.

“You haven’t seen “When Harry met Sally? The infamous sandwich shop scene!”  He exclaimed as if he couldn’t believe it.

“No.” I said flatly.

“We will take care of that tonight after the show.   I will make the guys watch it.  You aren’t grounded from hanging out with us, just from going out. Justin has been grumbling about you not coming up front.  It’s time to stop sulking and live a little bit.”  He encouraged me.

“Chris won’t let me do anything.”  I pouted.

“He won’t let you go out, baby.”  Josh corrected, trying to define the line of my punishment a little more.  He was attempting to show me that I was punishing myself more than Chris was.

“He won’t let me choose my meals.”  I further bashed Chris.

“No, he doesn’t want you to have the temptation of a debit card. In his mind if you have money you can do something stupid.  Since you are not the cardholder in the room, you have to read off that information everytime you order to the room.  Because he is busy and doesn’t want one more thing to think about he wrote a very simple meal plan and put it on repeat.  He doesn’t care.  So here is what I propose, let me take that responsibility off of Chris’s plate.”

“You want to select what I eat?”  I asked, very dubious of the idea.

“Until he gives you your debit card back.” Josh clarified.

“What if I don’t like it?”  I questioned, still unsure.

“You can call me to get it changed.”  Josh suggested without thought

“I don’t have a phone.”  I reminded him.  Chris had taken that with everything else.

“Hmm, I guess you will have to eat it anyway or starve till the next meal.  Or how about this' ' He grabbed 15 ones from his wallet.  “Here, put this in your toiletry bag.  If for whatever reason your meal is not edible or enough, this is your snack money.  You can use it if you want a caffeine boost as well.  I will tell Mike he has to take you to the vending machine.”

“That will work.” I said almost relishing in the freedom that fifteen ones afforded me.

“But here’s the catch.  I want you to rate the food in your journal.  Tell me what you like and don’t like and why.  Also maybe it was good but it was missing something, tell me what you wanted to add.  I also want you to give an accounting of how you used the money and why you choose to use it.”  He explained.

“It sounds boring.  Why would you want to know all that?”  I asked, confused as to why he would be interested in any of this.  

“Don’t cut yourself down like Amy.  Your opinions are not boring.  They are a reflection of who you are.  You are a person I want to get to know better.” He said sincerely.

I blushed,  “How will I know what you like?”

“I will comment on your review and maybe tell you what I would have ordered for myself if I had the luxury of time to enjoy my meal.” Josh answered without skipping a beat.  It seemed as if he thought through all my possible objections.

We had a pleasant meal from there, Josh mentioning a couple stories of funny things that happened the night before. 

I sighed,  “I miss going to the shows and meeting the fans.”

“I’ll see what I can do.  No promises though.  Chris is pretty stubborn.”  He said apologetically.

He hugged me goodbye and hauled ass to get to the venue by sound check.  That night we were going to hit the road, so I got my stuff together and was escorted to a car that would take me to the bus.  The guys all got on after they showered.  Josh took over the couch and grabbed the video to set up.  

There was a collective groan when they saw that Josh had selected a romantic comedy.  I wasn’t sure where I wanted to sit.  Part of me wanted to be bold and sit by Josh, but what he said about the scene in the movie I thought I would get embarrassed if I was close to him while it played.  I kind of wished I could watch the movie by myself. Luckily Josh played it off as he was just wanting to watch something a bit different.  The guys bought it.  I chose to sit by Lance because that felt neutral. 

He smiled down at me.  “You should be sitting by him.”  He whispered.

I shook my head pulling the sleeves of my hoodie down to protect against the chill of the air conditioner the boys always demanded on high after the show.  Josh saw my actions and misinterpreted my actions.  

“Amy, hand me your hoodie.”  He ordered.

“I’m cold.”  I said simply deflecting him.

He just gave me the look.

“What?  I’m cold.”  I defended myself.

“Now Amy.  We talked about you not hiding.”  He said softly, but firmly.  

I unzipped it and flung it at him.  He winked at me, and mouthed thank you.  

“What are the tire tracks on your arm?” Joey was shocked at what he saw in front of him.  Lance bopped him on the head.

I noticed that Justin darted his eyes in disgust and said nothing.  

Chris growled,  “You care to tell me what this is about, Amy?”

I didn’t want to say anything.  I wanted to retreat back to my bunk, but Joey and Lance had stood up blocking the exit.  Trapped I willed myself not to cry.  Though I didn’t know what to say that would calm Chris’s rage.

Josh caught my eyes.  “Tell your truth, kitten.  We are all here for you.”

I tensed up and the words wouldn’t come.  He saw the fear in my eyes and beaconed me to him.  I sat beside him and he wrapped his arm around me.  “Take your time.  We have all night.”  He said softly in my ear.  

I didn’t know where to begin. “I started cutting.” I finally said softly.

Chris looked at Josh, leveling a harsh stare.  “And you knew about this?”

Josh lifted his hands in defense,  “I’ve only known for about 48 hours.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me.” Chris spat.

“I chose not to.  I found out through thoughts that Amy shared in her journal.  I wanted to confront her privately first to get her acclimated to trusting us to support her through this.  I knew you would overreact like you are doing now. Your relationship with her has been rocky for several weeks.  I was afraid a blow up would make her go deeper into her shell.”  Josh explained.

Chris turned back to me,  “Why Amy?”

“I was numb.  I wanted to feel.” I said simply.  

At that Justin got up and left the room.  I hid my tears into Josh’s chest.  He held me tighter, rubbing my back.   I looked up at Josh,  “Does he hate me?”

“Shh,  no baby.  He has his own issues to work through and you just touched a nerve.  He will realize what an ass he is being soon enough.”  Josh’s arms wrapped tighter around me.

Joey shrugged,  “I should probably go after him.  You got this Josh?”

“Yeah man, go take care of him.  Chris and I got this.”

Joey smiled,  “Hotlips you have to tell me what you thought of the movie.”

I rolled my eyes,  “Just go Joey.”

“I am here for you too.  You know that right? You don’t have to rely on these lugs.” He reassured me.

“I know.”  I said simply knowing I was going to get all their support whether I wanted it or not.

“Good girl.  Chris don’t be too hard on her.  She is a good kid.” Joey warned before heading back to find Justin.

Chris looked at Lance,  “If you have somewhere you need to be Lance, you don’t have to stay for this.”  

“I think somebody does to make sure you two don’t kill each other trying to protect her.  I’ll just be over here with my popcorn in case you need me. Amy if you need a time out from these two.  I will be happy to give it to you.  Carry on.”  He waved his hand and reclined into the lounger. 

Chris rolled his eyes and looked directly at me.  “What am I supposed to do with you, Amy?” He asked exasperated.  “Am I going to have to hospitalize you?” 

“No.” Fear chilled my veins.

“Chris, don’t you think that is an overreaction?”  Josh spoke up defending me.

“I am not equipped to handle this.  I don’t want to make a mistake here.  It could prove to be fatal.”  Chris explained his concerns further.

“I am not going to do it again.”  I said quietly.

“How do we know that?  I need some advice on what to do.”  Chris spoke almost to himself.

Josh sighed offering a compromise, “I could call Robbie.”

Chris turned his heels,  “Why the hell would we do that?”

“We will need his permission to get him to loan us Monica for a couple weeks.” Josh explained quietly.

“Amy doesn’t need a mistress.”

“No, but she needs a no nonsense psychiatrist that is not going to take her shit.”

Chris nodded thinking about it.  “You know Robbie never does anything for free.  It will be your ass hurting if anything goes wrong with this scheme.”

“If Monica says she needs institutional help we will go with that.  I just don’t want to jump the gun on this Chris.  You and Brian got her out because it was slowly killing her spirit.  You have to think about what the long term ramifications will be.”  Josh said justifying his position and issuing another compromise.

Chris sighed,  “You make the call.”  Then he turned as if thinking through the situation again. “Shit man if you make the call to Robbie.  He will think you two are courting.  I am not willing for him to have that idea yet.  Hell, she’s even forbidden from dating you right now.  I don’t want him stepping in and matchmaking either, you know what he thinks and what he does.”

Lance flipped his cell phone open.  “Hey Robbie?  It's Lance.  No, I am doing good. Thanks man but my alcohol intake is under control.  Maybe next we see one another you can have my ass.  Yeah I will let Josh know about your obsession with his.  Anyway, the reason I am calling is because we have a friend that needs your help.  I know your mission, and I know things are busy and you might not be able to spare her, but we need Mistress Monica to come out on tour and help get Amy’s head on straight. Yes, I am talking about Brian’s sister.   Yes, she is 16.  Chris has guardianship so he can get you the paperwork, and sign all the releases.  She’s been getting close to Josh.  In a journal she shared with him she mentioned she was cutting herself.  I don’t have a crystal ball man.  I couldn’t speculate, but yeah in a couple years such a match is possible.  No Robbie, we want her free as long as possible.  The girl is smart and deserves to go to college, and start her career.  The time will give it a chance for our fame to die down too.  No, as I said I can’t speculate about feelings they are not allowed to have.  Tomorrow morning we will be in Boulder.  The buses should be pulling in. We will meet her at Panera, got it.  No, they will be up and ready.  I promise.  Sure Robbie anytime.”  

He smiled and addressed Chris and Josh.  “Your welcome guys, Monica will meet us in Boulder tomorrow morning.  I’ll call Kevin to work around the accommodations.  It shouldn’t be a problem because Damon is in town and Renee I am sure will want to bunk with him.  Monica can stay with Amy, that way she can see the problem at ground level.  Turn on the movie. We shouldn't talk or think about this any more tonight.  Tomorrow is going to be a long enough day for Amy.”

I smiled softly at him,  “Thank you Lance.”

“Not a problem, sweetheart.  Watch the movie and get some shuteye, you will want to be thinking straight in the morning.”  He winked at her and then pushed play on the movie Josh had selected for us to watch earlier.

I leaned away from him not liking the idea of talking to a shrink.  I didn’t like the fact that so much power was put in the hands of someone just because she had letters behind her name.  It had never worked out well in the past, and I didn’t expect it to this time.  I was feeling betrayed and abandoned.  But what would be worse was abandoned and locked up.  Being committed again was a real possibility.  I watched the movie, even seeing the scene Josh spoke of I really didn’t get it.  I don’t know if  I really wanted to though, there was just so much going on in my head. As the movie ended I went back to my bed without a word. Mike did stop me with my evening pills and a water bottle.  Dutifully I took them and chugged the water before crashing out.