Part 1 Courtship - Meet Cute (Sometime after the Disney Special)

The CD slowly revolved to an end.  Normally after taking a sedative I was out before  “Sailing” even seared my heart.  That night I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own, so I acted as if I took the pill and then used it to fertilize the plants.  I blinked up at my bunk, sighing at the three men that meant the most in my life.  One I hadn’t met yet and the other two were far from me.  I didn’t believe that I would ever be with any of them again.  I certainly wouldn’t be if I didn’t get out of this hell hole that they called a psychiatric hospital.  

At the time my heart was so scarred that I scoffed at group therapy.  I had been in these situations before and I had two choices and a third if I got desperate.  I could give them what they wanted.  I could be cooperative saying the words they wanted to hear.  I could wall myself up so they would leave me alone.  Or I could plot my eventual escape.  As my stomach returned to normal and the ache in my throat disappeared I was seriously considering the latter.  But the only problem with that was obvious.  I had nowhere to go.  I wasn’t about to go home.  That was the reason I was here.  I wasn’t going to my grandparents.  They didn’t understand.  Somehow I always felt a deep sense of shame there.  There were too many restrictions.  For the same reason, I balked at foster care.  It always seemed that I was walking from a bad situation to a worse one when DFS got involved.  

Getting well wouldn’t help me; however I couldn’t stand the confines of the institution.  The regular hours, meals and structure was stifling.  I was getting bored with the same four white walls that were beginning to close in on me.  The snoring and cackling of my roommate didn’t help any.  The person with the bunk above me was crazier than I was.  Knowing a nurse would walk me back and sedate me, I paused before leaving the room.  However I needed air.  I needed a moment to think.  I had to get my head on straight or I would be finding myself without choices again.  

I slipped out quietly into the shadows of the hall.  Luckily I had timed things adequately.  Someone was having a meltdown in the next hall and reinforcements were needed.  I only had a few minutes till security would come for me, but I was going to make the most of it.  I punched in the code; I saw the nurse hit to get myself out to the grounds.  Instead of heading to the gates and freedom I walked up to the pond.  This was too easy.  I sat for a couple hours simply skipping rocks across it and thinking.

“There you are Amy.” The doctor stated calmly.

“Took you long enough Doc.  I thought this was a high class joint.” I sarcastically quipped not taking my eyes off the pond.

The doctor was calm at my lack of respect and simply explained what he allowed to happen.  “I saw you go out and I stopped the nurses from going after you.”

That got my attention.  Doctors were always over medicating me and locking me up, not allowing me to wander as I wanted.  Slowly I swiveled my head towards him and asked him searchingly.  “Why?”

He shrugged, not wanting to give away any of the secrets of this mysterious trade.  “I wanted to observe you.”

That comment angered me and I closed off again facing the pond.   I muttered to myself almost incoherently.  “So I am in a fucking fish bowl?”

“No Amy, I wanted to figure out why the hell you are still here.  You are not sick, wounded but not sick.”  His voice was getting more passionate.  It was as if he wanted to drag me back from whatever mountain I was willing to throw myself from.

I laughed darkly at his drive.  Sardonically I snapped.  “You’re holding the papers Doc, not me.”

He sighed.  His frustration with me was evident in his brow.  “You are not helping me out here Amy.  What can I do?”

I shrugged.  “I don’t know doc.  It is confusing me too.”  

“You hate it here, yet you aren’t going anywhere.  Why?” He probed wanting to get from me the real reason I was here.

At this point I was frustrated.  He had my file.  He should have the answers, not me.  “Where do I have to go Doc?”  I cried without a tear shedding.

He grinned.  “You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

That statement confused me.  Am I smart?  I was here.  How could I possibly be smart if I spent my life in a place like this.  “I am not smart.  I have been in special classes since I was six.”

“Not because you can’t do it Amy.  The educational system is as confused about you as the medical system and social services.  You are on that bubble age wise that is truly no man’s land.”  He ran his hand through his balding hair.

This intrigued me.  He was thinking up something.  It sounded like he was actually going to help me.  I turned towards him.  He had gotten my attention.  “What are you saying doc?”

“I am saying you need your own life.  I am saying screw all the systems.”  He looked at me as if he was a co-conspirator not a doctor.

Somehow his profanity rang false to me.  He was one of them.  Officials didn’t help children in my shoes, they just made it worse.  “And how can I do that when they have been doing that to me all my life?”  I asked, trying to bite back the tears.

He smiled confidently again.  “There's your intelligence again.  When I tested you, it was 130.  I was shocked at how high it was.”

“Library wouldn’t kick me out, Doc.  It was easy to get lost in the stacks for a day or two.” I quipped arrogantly.

He started engaging me in conversation about the books I had checked out.  I grew weary of it.  “If it is all the same to you doc I am going to bed.”

“Take a sedative when you go in.  I will leave you.” He left me there to simply think.  As the chill of the pond made me shudder I went back in.  Knowing what would happen if I attempted to sleep without the sedative I followed doctor’s orders as I slipped back into my room.

The next day was rather boring.  I sat on my bed reading, intentionally skipping the appointment.  Doc came barging into my room. He was pissed.  He chucked a book at me.  It was GED for Dummies.  Then a folder came flying my way.

“You have two weeks, Amy, before someone else needs to occupy that bed.  Before I can sign your walking papers you need to do three things for me.  1.  You are to take the GED.  2. You are to fill out that application to NYU.  And 3.  There’s a Wal-Mart application as well. With freedom comes responsibility, young lady and I would like to see you step up to the plate.”

“What about group therapy?”

“I don’t care Amy as long as you are taking your medications.”  

I hid my smile at the revelation, but poked a little more to figure out what the hell was going on. “There are five more months till the fall term.”

“I contacted your grandparents.  They will keep you until then.”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to stay there.  But what choice did I have? I was being kicked out.  But there was an end to it.  And summer was the busiest time on the farm. The regulations wouldn’t be too bad if I helped out some.  I was going to be free slave labor.  Oh well life could be worse.

The time passed rather quickly and before I knew it the results were back from the computerized test.  I aced the thing and was able to place on some AP tests.  I had 12 hours under my belt.  The acceptance letter came as quickly as I sent it and I had a phone interview with Wal-Mart.  My spot as a stocker for the fall was secure.  I packed up my bags, happy to leave the institution behind. Doc came to see me out.

“You should have told me it was your birthday Amy.”

“Your walking papers are present enough , Doc.”

“I called your mom and told her how well you were doing.  She sent you these in the mail.  She says it is from your brother.”

I looked through the package.  “What’s the catch?”

“I don’t believe there really is one but I could be wrong.”

“What the heck?  Two less weeks living at the farm.”  I sighed looking over the train tickets and the vouchers for 5 Broadway shows.  In addition there was a 7 day stay at the New York Hilton.  I smiled.  This was the best gift I had ever gotten.  With the 500 dollars Brian sent me, I would be set.

For the first time in my life I was really free and I liked it a lot.  I spent the days exploring and the nights at shows.  I desperately wanted to stay longer to get to know the city I was going to call my home over the next four years.  Though I knew my summer plans.  With all my money gone there was not much else I could do.  At least by helping with the haying I would earn some extra money for the school year.  That way I wouldn’t be completely destitute when I walked into classes my first day.  

The week had gone so fast.  I barely had time to absorb it all.  I didn’t like being cooped up in my hotel room so I went to the lobby to journal.  It was a little bit hard to find a seat.  I wondered briefly why the lobby was so full, but I blew it off.  It was getting so crowded and loud that I couldn’t think.  I grabbed my backpack and was going to head back upstairs to get my jacket before I made a foray into Central Park.  It was then that I saw the elf of a man.  I barely recognized him.  He was surrounded by some big black guys and the girls started screaming.  It was ear splitting.  I cringed at it as I navigated myself through the crowd to get to the elevators.  Unfortunately, it was in the general direction of a guy that appeared to look like Chris and one of his friends were heading.  

“Miss, you need to step back.”  The guard said gruffly to me.

“I was just heading to the elevator.”  I said not really sure what was going on or what the big deal was.

“You can take the next one.” He offered to push me aside.

Chris looked up at the time and grabbed my arm.  “It is alright Dre.  She is with me.”  

Dre raised his eyes and snorted.  “Little young Kirkpatrick” Later I would find it was common practice for Chris to pick a girl out to take upstairs for the fun of it.

Chris grinned goofily.  “Nah man it ain't like that.  She’s my best friend’s little sister.”

Things were happening too fast as I was pushed and pulled to the elevator.  I could hear the yelling and cursing from some of the fans.  I didn’t realize yet how enviable my position was.

Once the elevator closed Chris let go of me.  “Sorry about that little one but we needed to get out of the situation quickly.  It gets crazier out there every day.”

I nodded, taking him in.  Not sure what I was really seeing in front of me.  It had been awhile since I had seen Chris.  

“So I see.”  I got quiet.  I didn’t know how to talk to this man any more.  He was the one that deserted me.

“Where’s my hug and smile Little One?” He grinned at me lopsided.

“What makes you expect I will give you one Topher?”  I argued back.

He chuckled, and dragged me in his arms.“Because I know you can’t resist me baby girl.”

I sighed.  I was safe and protected.  All my good memories of childhood were tied up in this man and my older brother.

He released me and took a second look.  “You really have grown up Amy.  I almost didn’t recognize you.  Had it not been for a couple of Brian’s pictures;  I know I wouldn’t have.  Your letters dropped off some time last year. What happened?” He questioned.

It had begun.  I just stepped back into his life, but I was not ready to face the inquisition quite yet.  So, I snapped.  “You don’t want to know.”  

“Tell me.  Let me make it better.”  He coaxed in a tone that he only used with me when I was being stubborn.

“Wild Turkey doesn’t mix with antidepressants and painkillers.”   I sarcastically commented to throw him off the true scent of what was going on.  It was the gist of things with no reasons behind it.

He sighed, and I could read the disappointment in his eyes as he inquired.  “How long were you in this time?”

“Why should you care?  You are just going to tell Brian.”  I was being a snot, but I wasn’t able to deal with the lecture.

“Like he doesn’t already know.  You had better call him soon.”  He reminded me.

Like that was going to happen.  “You are not my keeper. Chris, you can’t tell me what to do.” I asserted in that tone that was truly juvenile.

We were heading for a yelling match when Justin interrupted.  I hadn’t really noticed him. I was too focused on Chris.

“Are you going to introduce me to your friend Chris?”  Justin asked softly.  There was a little humor in his voice, and what I would easily recognize later as lust in his eyes.

Chris obviously knew that look.  “No, Justin.”

“Fine, then you will just be in my doghouse too.”  He stepped in front of Chris.  “Justin Timberlake, pleased to meet you.  And your name is?”

I smiled at him as he held my hand softly.  “Amy.”

“Well, Amy, we have a show tonight.  Do you have tickets yet?”  He raised his eyebrow suggestively.

“No, I didn’t even know you guys were in town until just now.”  I said, trying to search through my mind for records of their concert dates.  It must have been an added one since the last Bop magazine I read.  You kind of are out of the pop culture loop when in mental institutions.  

Justin smiled sweetly and turned on the Timberlake charm.  “Well, in that case I will reserve some seats for you in VIP.  You can be my date to the party afterwards.”  

“Justin, I think you are pushing a little far.”  Chris suggested.

Justin shrugged.  “I was just being nice.  Nothing is going to happen except a good show and a rocking party.”

Chris protectively placed his arms over me.  “Better not fro boy, she is under age.”

“What is making you such a killjoy all of a sudden?” Justin asked.

“She’s off limits.  Get that through your head right now.”  Chris stated firmly.

“Ignore him Justin.  He is just being an overprotective bulldog.  I will be happy to go to the concert and the party afterward with you.”  I smiled.  

He had yet to release my hand.  “I will like that a lot Amy.  I will see you tonight.  Just come back stage after the show and you can hang out in the green room until we are ready to go.”

Chris squawked and grumbled.  I knew he was going to talk to Justin later that night.  I was not going to make it damper my evening. Justin was cute and he was asking me out.  I was not about to say no.  As the elevator rose to my floor Chris stopped me.

“We will have dinner tonight and discuss the ground rules further Amy.”  He instructed in that arrogant fatherly tone of his.

“I am not a child Chris.”  I whined, but I wanted to scream it at him.  Why was he being so damned overbearing?

“You don’t know what you are walking blindly into.  I want you to be more aware.”  He stately simply, not wanting to take the bait of my taunts and tantrums.

I sighed and gave in, he wouldn’t give up.  “Fine, I am staying in room 493.  I will see you when?”

“4:30. don’t be late, we are heading straight to sound check after that.”  He warned with a warm smile.

I nodded and went to my room.  The first thing I did when I closed the door behind me was scream.  It was all too good to be true.  I couldn’t for the life of me believe that this was happening to me.  I had just under an hour to decide what to wear.  I dug through my suitcase for something appropriate.  I was not seeing anything that was acceptable and I didn’t have time or for that matter money for shopping.  I settled for a dress I had worn to the Lion King two nights before.  I had gotten it dry cleaned so all it needed was a little pressing and I would be set.  I knew Chris wouldn’t like it.  But Justin on the other hand would possibly enjoy it.  I couldn’t figure out Justin but who was I to question.  At the very least he was just being nice.  If I was lucky he might have something more on his mind.

What the hell was I thinking?  Justin was a fucking pop star.  There was no way in hell he would be interested in me.  I had to resign myself to that fact and just enjoy the evening for what it was.  Justin probably did stuff like this all the time. I was by no means special to him.  And even if he was interested, Chris was going to put an end to that.  Justin told me later that Chris did take him down.  He let me go because he knew that if he had pursued me in the manner he wanted, Chris would demand a fierce commitment.  One he was not prepared to give.

Despite what I knew about the situation, I wanted to look my best.  I showered, shaved and then messed with my makeup.  After I got dressed I curled my hair a little bit.  I was not satisfied with the picture in front of me.  But what choice did I have? Chris was knocking at my door.

“Coming Chris.” I hollered, tripping over my shoes as I flipped the dead bolt and unlocked the door letting him in.  

“Hey, Amy.  Are you ready?”  He looked me over.

“Yeah, let me just get my purse.”  I requested picking up and a few things as I went.  The place was a disaster.  I was surprised that Chris hadn’t commented on it.  He had on everything else.

“Take your time.”  He said casually.  “You might want to consider a change while you are at it.”

“Why?  What’s wrong with what I am wearing?”  I asked innocently.

“That skirt on your dress barely covers your ass!”  He exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.  “It is almost to my knees Chris.  You are just being over protective.”

  He rolled his eyes back and patiently explained the beastly manner of men.  “You are being too naïve. Justin is an older guy that has been around the block a couple of times.  He sees you as a potential lover and with you dressed like that. You are just fanning the fire that you ignited in him this morning.”  

“Come on Chris, you know he was just being nice. You weren’t making an offer so he stepped in.”  I said defending Justin

He placed his hand on my shoulder apologetically.  “I just don’t want you to expect too much and get your heart broken.  I especially don’t want you to do anything stupid.”

“And what would you consider stupid?”  I questioned in a tone that could possibly trigger another round of the fight we had earlier.

“Sleeping with him.”  He bluntly stated.

I was astounded, and a bit insulted. “What makes you think I am considering that?”

“Let’s see, makeup, curled hair, a dress that shows off your ass and tits. Pretty much tells me you are considering something.”  He pointed out how I had carefully gotten ready.    “Did you shave in preparation as well?”  He asked to egg me on more.

“I don’t know if that is any of your business Chris.” I was so frustrated and insulted.  “So are you saying I look like a whore?”

“No, not at all.  Most girls go a lot further than you have.  But any effort makes a guy think you are interested.”  He explained.

I tried to present my point of view.  It would be pointless to explain that I wore this for me.  I wanted to look good.  It had very little to do with Justin.  I expected nothing, but the pleasant night that he had promised.  So I sighed and I told Chris simply. “The fact that I accepted Justin’s offer let him know I was interested.  What happens between us is our business.  I want you to butt out.”

“Promise me one thing.”  He almost begged.

I rolled my eyes.  “What?”

“Don’t sleep with him tonight.” He demanded.   

“Chris, I wasn't even considering it.  I don’t think he is even going to kiss me so I wouldn’t worry about it.”  I said, trying to allay his fears.

“Good come on, let's go have dinner now or we will be late.”  I nodded and followed him to the car.  We grabbed some Applebee’s and caught up a little bit before rushing off to the venue.  Chris set me up with Mike, one of the security guards.  

Chris waved Mike over “Mike man, since Bobbee ain't here this week can you do me a favor?”  

“Sure, what do you need Chris?”  He asked, looking at me as I was just another fan.

“This is Amy. She is a friend of mine and is going out with Justin tonight.  Can you make sure that she is comfortable?”  He asked with a look that stated more than he said or asked.

Mike took a good look at me and then reassured Chris.  “I will take care of her as if she was my own Chris. No fears.”

“Cool man.  Amy, I will leave you in capable hands.  I will see you after the show in the limo.”  He said as he bounded off to get with the guys.

I nodded and hugged him goodbye.  “So Mike, what do we do now?”

“I will show you where everything is and then I will get you to your seat. That way you’ll know where to go after the show.”  

I nodded as he took me on the grand tour.  We wandered backstage and he told me where everything was and showed me where I would meet up with the guys after the show.

“The VIP tent is over there.  If you want anything just go ask.  Anywhere else in the arena you will have to pay.  Of course none of the merchandise is free.  That is how the boys make their money.  Ladies room is over there and there is one backstage that you can use to freshen up after the show when the lines are longer.” He explained.

I nodded, making a note of everything that was being said.  Soon I found my way to my seat and sat down by Heather.  She smiled softly at me.

“How do you know the guys?”  She asked.

“Chris is a long time family friend.”  I explained.

Heather nodded and introduced herself.  “I see.  JC is my brother.  I am Heather.”

“It is nice to meet you.  I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting JC yet.”  I said casually.  Though I was wondering vaguely if I would meet him.

“You are not missing much.  I don’t even know why I claim him.”  She confessed in true sisterly fashion.

“Are you going to the party tonight?”  I asked curiously.

“No, I have to get back early.  I have a paper due on Monday, and I have barely started to research.  I just spent the day with Josh and had dinner with him.  He is going to see me off after the show.  I don’t know if he is planning on showing up later, but you might meet him there.” She explained.   “So, is Chris taking you?”  She asked, trying to continue the conversation to avoid a lull.

“Actually it was Justin who asked before Chris had a chance to.  I ran into them in the lobby of the hotel this morning.”  I told her.

Heather giggled and looked at me with a good luck face.  “Well, if you can keep his attention I am sure you will have a good time.  Just remember that most of the time the guys are still working at the party no matter what it looks like so don’t expect too much of it or them.  I am kind of glad I don’t have to go to it.  Have you met Lance yet?”

“No, I haven't had the pleasure.” I said.

“Well, try to say hi backstage because I think he is going to fake flu afterwards to get out of the thing.  His girlfriend is coming into town.  This morning at breakfast he was whining about how short her visit is.  So he isn’t going to want to share his time with her.  I think it is so romantic.  What do you think?”  She gushed.

I nodded and agreed. “I think that it is great that Lance found someone that he is happy to be with.”

“Whatever you do, don't let Joey get you alone tonight.  He will want to grope you especially if he has had a few.  But otherwise he is fun to dance and hang out with.” Heather warned.

“I will keep that in mind, thanks.”  I said, not at all interested in Joey.

“Now that I think about it, if my brother does double back you may want to avoid letting him get too close to you.  He has been worse than Joey, especially with Bobbee out of town.”  Heather further cautioned.

“Who’s Bobbee?’  I asked curiously.

“His girlfriend. I don’t like her.  She is a conniving ambitious bitch if I have ever seen one.  She is just interested in his money and what he can do for her acting/modeling career.”  She explained with disgust in her voice. Obviously Heather did not like this girl.

“Have you told him how you feel about her?”  I asked.

“Hundreds of times.  He seems to think that for right now it is advantageous for him to have a girlfriend.  However I don’t think he is being faithful to her or anything.”  She said with a wisp of hope that she would not have to deal with Bobbee.

I simply nodded.  My heart was beginning to wilt rather quickly.  He had a girlfriend.  That didn’t sit well with me.  But it wasn’t him that I had met or who showed interest.  It was Justin who invited me to the party and showed an interest in me.  That's what I needed to focus on, not some dream that would never have the chance of coming true.

Thankfully the opening act came on and I was able to watch them and ignore Heather.  They weren’t that good but they weren’t why I was there.  I wanted to watch the main event. The excitement as they hit the stage in their space costumes was electric.  It was fun simply to be there and see them do their thing. I could have done without all the screaming fans, but they loved it and played with it.  I noticed that I found myself screaming just as Heather was.  After yelling our love yous we fell into our chairs laughing our asses off.  

Sailing was one of the last songs of the night.  I was mesmerized by it.  My eyes did not leave Josh and at one point he made eye contact.  He didn’t break it for over a minute.  I was stuck. I couldn’t turn away no matter how much I needed to. Those eyes were the tractor beams I always thought they were, and they refused to let me go.  When the beat finally changed and he moved on and I realized I was holding my breath.  

Heather just looked at me and laughed.  “If he was any closer I have the feeling he would eat you alive. Remember to heed my warning.  That way you won’t get hurt.  That is unless of course you are just looking for a one night stand.”

I looked at her confused.  “What?”

“The heat was sizzling off the both of you.”   She stated matter of factly.

  I shrugged it off.  “It is his stage act.  You were seeing things Heather.”

“When you meet him,  you will see otherwise I am sure.  Just make sure you aren’t alone with him, or you are going to find yourself in a situation I can guarantee you that you won’t be ready for.  My brother is like the devil in the fact that he is very hard to resist, especially if it is something he wants.”  She looked at me and sighed.  “I don’t even know why I am wasting my breath.  Just whatever you do, best you don’t tell Chris.”  She warned as an afterthought.

I chuckled inwardly at the one.  The less Chris knew the better.  “Chris isn’t going to hear anything about tonight from my lips regardless of what happens or who it happens with.”  

Heather laughed and said something to the effect that it was probably a good idea.  We continued to watch the show in silence.  

Mike led me back to the green room after the show, and I briefly met Lance as he was heading out to the hotel.  He seemed to be in an awful hurry so I didn’t say anything more than hi and good show.  I rode over to the club with Justin, Chris and Joey in the limo.  Justin guided me holding the small of my back to the dance floor.  We had a slow dance and then he got pulled away.  On his way back to me after completing his business he got distracted by a gaggle of blondes.  I took that as a brush off.  I could feel the anger rise up within me.  He brought me; the least he could do was spend some time with me.  I wandered around the fringes.  Then I noticed that I knew no one.  I couldn’t have a conversation with anyone but the waiters it seemed.

I don't know what had pushed me out on the deck that night.  Perhaps it was because Justin ditched me or because Chris as usual was too busy to deal with me.  I was beginning to think I didn’t belong here.  In fact I knew I didn’t. The only high point was seeing Chris, and he just had to chew me out about my recent hospital stay.  Not that I expected him to do any less, he was my protector, and someone had to. Otherwise the next time I would not have been so lucky.   My mom was too worried that telling it how it is would push me over, but not Chris.  Of course I hadn't ever gotten over him leaving Pittsburgh. He used to take care of me when my family couldn't or wouldn't. 

Since I didn't know anyone, I felt alone and isolated in a room jammed with people.  The noise gave me a headache and since I suck at dancing, clubs were really not my thing.  I went out to the deck to get air.  It was a beautiful night.  The stars and the moon reflected light off one another.  It was the perfect place to write. 

I don't know exactly what came over me.  I usually write stuff about matters of life and death, but tonight JC’s face came to my mind.  Not surprising since I stared at his picture on my wall everyday.  Ever since Chris sent me the cover of the guy’s first CD, JC’s face has captivated me.  His eyes always looked as if he could see deep into my soul and unearth all of the secrets; secrets that I so desperately didn’t want others to see.  I would be so vulnerable to him, and it scared me shitless.  That is why I hadn't come to see Chris until now.  I felt it safer for me to be one of his millions of obsessed fans who admired him from afar.  

Even with that realization, I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t met him yet. I knew the reason, he had been busy with Heather all day but that didn’t erase the hole I was feeling with this experience.   I was so close, yet so far.  It was probably a good thing though.  People have a habit of disappointing you.  It was not as if I would have more than a three word conversation if I met him anyway.  It was best simply to let my attraction for him remain in the world of fantasy.  That way I wouldn’t be hurt when I met his more than perfect model girlfriend.

The pent up frustration overwhelmed me, so I began to write.  When I write it is almost like I am possessed. I have to vomit it out as it comes.  If I would not release it immediately I would never get it back.  A lost word is like a lost life to me.  

The poem was simple.  It was just a few lines in free verse.  It described how I was attracted to him but must restrain myself because I was afraid of him finding out my feelings for him.  I had put the period on it when something hard ran into me knocking me to the ground.  My pen and the napkin I was writing on flew out of my hands.  He helped me up and the spiciness of his cologne momentary paralyzed all other senses.  The words

 “Excuse me” barely leaked out of my lips and my ears ring with the fact that JC Chasez had just apologized to me.  

My eyes hit him and the capacity for speech was temporarily lost.  I stuttered something stupid that I don't remember, and he asked me to stay.  Then I realized that he had my poem in his hands.  All that was going through my mind was that I must get that away from him.  Fuck, I thought as he began to read it.  I could feel my heart racing and my skin becoming hot and red.  I was as helpless as a bunny in a hunters trap.  All I could do was anticipate his reaction.