It had been four months since I had been back home. Everything had started to settle into a rhythm, which hadn’t been easy. There was definitely an adjustment to life AC, after Chasez. But instead of being sad, the time I spent with JC made me feel more confident, more secure, more sexy. 

I tried to stay busy so I wouldn’t torture myself thinking about him, though, which wasn’t all that hard, senior year of high school, college applications, partying, etc usually kept me pretty ocuppied. I still allowed myself to think about him from time to time. The most ridiculous things would trigger a memory. Like the one time I spent 5 minutes staring at a bottle of balsamic vinegar until my mom had to snap me out of it. 

What didn’t seem to change, no matter how much time passed, was me looking through every row of cds searching for his album in every music store I could find. I don’t think it had been released in Europe yet and we didn’t get stuff until much, much later but I still looked, wanting to see his face. I guess I could’ve just looked at the photos we had taken of us, but that was a Pandora’s box I rarely let myself open. 

What I usually thought about was the last phone call. The night before I left Germany, he had called. The conversation was awkward and kind of sad, but the words he said when he said goodbye stuck to me, more so than the first time he said them to me. “Don’t worry pretty girl, we will find each other again.” 

It was a Tuesday afternoon when I got it. I came home from school like everyday, I threw my backpack on the stool next to the breakfast table. My mom was in the kitchen holding a cup of coffee. 

“Hi honey, how was school?” she asked. “You got a letter.” she spoke again with a slight smirk on her face before I could answer the previous question. I looked at her funny, she was up to something. I opened my eyes wide, my first thought was that one of the colleges I applied to had replied, but then I remembered I hadn’t shipped my applications yet. She smiled wider and handed me an envelope with a ton of stamps on it, I took it and my heart leaped when I saw the name scribbled on the upper left corner: Josh Chasez. 

“What? How?” I asked and started opening it trying not to tear it, my hands shaking. We decided we wouldn’t contact each other, we didn’t even exchange addresses. Part of it we decided because JC wouldn’t have a fixed address for months while he was over in Europe, and part of it because we didn’t want to be hung up on each other. I finally got the letter open and took a deep breath as I started reading. 

“My dear pretty girl,

I have to apologize in advance for the messines of the letter. I have been working on it for a couple weeks now, this is the third draft. I know we said no writing but I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, and I don’t really know why I should. 

I miss you. I miss seeing you, I miss talking to you, I miss kissing you, I miss touching you… I could go all night. 

I know you are wondering how I managed to get this letter to you, well, I stalked Frieda and she finally gave in. (It actually wasn’t that hard, she’s a sweetheart). 

I want to know how you are doing? How is school? Some people over here told us college applications will be due soon, are you done with yours? Did you finally make up your mind about being a doctor? Did you decide on college over here in Europe or back home? 

Here it’s been crazy. We finished with the re-recording of the tracks about two weeks after you were gone. The album is supposed to be released in may here in Europe, so just one month to go right now. I have no idea how long this letter will take to reach you. Did you finish the book? 

We’re finishing up the tour in Europe and then heading for Asia. I am very excited. I am going to eat all the sushi and indian food I can get my hands on. 

The crowds have been amazing, the single is doing very well on radio and sales, too apparently. I feel like this is our big break. I still get a little homesick from time to time, it was especially bad after you were gone. Chris and Joey wanted me to party more with them, but I really didn’t feel like it. I’m better now. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me, but I also hope you’re not missing me as much as I miss you. I really really hope you are enjoying your senior year of high school. 

I don’t know what else to write, it’s very late over here, and you must be bored already. Please write me back, I’m writing down my parents’ address in Maryland, they have been instructed to forward any mail to wherever I am, I guess that’s going to be the easiest way, even if it takes a little longer. 

Yours always, JC”

I plopped down onto the stool next to my mother. Blank stare. Tears in my eyes. Goosebumps running up and down my arms and spine. My mother put her hand on mine and squeezed lightly. “Are you okay?” she whispered. A flurry of emotions running around my head, my chest. 

“I am great,” I said finally looking up at her with a stupid grin on my face. I grabbed the letter and ran up to my room. “You are unbelievable Chasez,” I mumbled as I looked around for a pad and a pen. 

This is how it began. The back and forth correspondence. Every 3 to 4 weeks I’d receive a letter that would be filled with every adventure the boys from Nsync had. Tales from far far away in the Philippines, Japan, you name it. Tales of concerts and hordes of screaming fans that would start to get bigger and bigger. Parties, events, festivals. It all sounded so unreal and the way JC described everything, he seemed to be in awe of everything that was going on. He would get technical while describing the shows and I loved to imagine him geeking out over technique and being pushy with the rest of the guys. 

My letters were boring in comparison, but JC was always so excited to hear about my parties and classes, and college applications, road trips and just regular school life, which made me feel very good, and appreciated. 

We had managed to stay in each other’s lives even if we really weren’t there. I expected the letters, they were rarely late. However the summer of 1997 came and a letter came earlier than expected. I opened it quickly and smiled as I expected the messy handwriting and the usual coffee or food stain on the paper. He would even write with different colored pens because it would take him a while to finish one letter. This one was different:

“My pretty girl,

We’re back home. Arrived in Orlando today. Expect letters to arrive sooner. I still miss you,

Kisses.”

He hadn’t mentioned him coming home in any earlier letters. I sat looking at the single paper in my hand with a bewildered look in my face. 

Just as he predicted, the letters started coming sooner, and so mine went, and his came. He explained they hadn’t known they’d be back until a couple weeks before and he didn’t have time to write to me, he knew the letter wouldn’t have reached me before he was in the U.S. The plan was to release the album in America and depending on how it did start a tour there. 

We even started talking on the phone every now and then. But I was especially fond of the letters. The phone calls were awkward at times, we were always pressed for time because of the long distance fees. With the letters we often took our time, they were very detailed. We shared our hopes and dreams, our frustrations and successes and just everyday occurrences that might’ve seemed banal and boring to the outside observer but they allowed us to feel close and be a part of each other’s lives. I especially loved when he shared song ideas with me, lyrics drafts, poems, thoughts. 

He was there when I made the decision to enroll in medical school. He was there when I decided to stay local and not go abroad for college. He was there for high school graduation, he was even there for first dates and first day of college. 

I was there for the release of the *Nsync American release, I was there when the label voiced their concern about it not meeting sales expectations and the restlessness that accompanied JC. I was there for moments of self doubt and falter in confidence. I was there as support, letting him know how amazing I thought he was. We had developed a relationship that evolved beyond the physical one we had started back in Germany, we had really started to open up to one another, to get to know each other. 

After the american release of the album he sent me a copy. I missed some of the songs I had heard live back in Germany but the album was amazing, he looked very handsome on the cover and he sounded amazing on it. They kept my favorite songs so that made me very happy. I let him know both on the phone and in a letter how amazing I thought all of it was. I even went out and bought a copy from the local record store to show some support. 

1998 came and after a couple of months of college and meeting new people and getting used to life after high school a plan was being made by some friends from school to go on a trip. I immediately thought of JC when I heard the potential destination. 

I rushed home and sat down with a deep breath before starting to write the letter. It was short and to the point, I didn’t want to sound too eager, I didn’t want to impose anything on him, I didn’t want to force a meeting but if we were to see each other, this could be it. 

“Hi JC,

I’m just going to write this very quickly before I lose my nerve. There is a group of people from school planning a trip for spring vacation and they’ve asked me to tag along if I am interested. We’re going to Disney World in May, will you be in Orlando?”