Chapter 5

I stood in the hall of the University along with a group of other potential new students. it was cold and I couldn’t really pay attention. My mind kept wandering to the events of last night. The warmth of JC’s body against mine, the taste of his mouth, the look in his eyes. I snapped out of it feeling flushed, suddenly it wasn’t so cold anymore. I looked around me and tried to play it cool as I walked along with the group to where we were being guided to. We visited the library, the classrooms, the offices. It was an amazing place, filled with history and knowledge. After lunch we were to meet at the University Hospital to meet with some of the professors. It was actually very interesting but I was counting the minutes before I could go back to JC to see him again and maybe do what we did last night all over again. 

It would be late until I got to see him. They were doing the radio station circuit today and it would take all day, then they were doing a nighttime TV show. I had to pack and wanted to spend some time with Frieda. I was leaving in the morning. 

We had agreed he’d come over so I tried to wait up for him, we didn’t really agree on a specific time because he had no idea when he would be done. We settled with Frieda in front of the TV to watch them. JC had apologized a thousand times for not being able to get us passes. I had pouted but I understood. With a bowl of noodle salad and a glass of sparkling water I settled down and enjoyed watching them. The performance was flawless, they looked great. Justin and Lance were cute, Chris and Joey were very handsome and JC was a mixture of both. It made me laugh how they struggled to understand the translator speaking to them in their ear over the earpiece, the interviews were always awkward because of that. JC had joked that they really needed a better translator and that I should apply for the job. 

The show was over at 10.30, I looked up at the clock and it was 12.30, I was cuddled on the sofa wrapped in a blanket with a book in my hand trying to stay awake, a battle I soon lost. 

Suddenly the buzzer woke me up in a startle. It took me a second to realize where I was. I turned to look at the clock, 1:45. I stretched and hopped over to the buzzer to let JC in. Opened the door and stood in the doorway holding the blanket over my shoulders. He walked slowly through the hallway, the tiredness in his face apparent from a mile away. I smiled softly at him as he went directly to wrap his arms around me, without saying a word. 

“You look like shit,” I whispered which caused him to burst out laughing. 

“I feel like shit,” he said as we walked in. “I’m sorry,” he said to me as we finally reached the bed. He threw himself on it, groaning loudly. “They dragged us to this party after the show. It was hot and crowded and I just wanted to leave.” 

I sat beside him as he put his head on my lap and I ran my fingers through his thick hair. The dark circles under his eyes were more apparent than ever. He blinked slowly and continued to try to talk between yawns. 

“Don’t worry, I’m just glad you’re here,” I said laying down beside him and cuddling up to him. He leaned towards me and pecked me on the lips. 

“I’ve missed you like crazy all day,” another yawn. I softly stroked his chest and noticed he was struggling to keep his eyes open. I kissed his cheek sweetly as we both drifted off to sleep. 

The sun creeped through the window into the room. I had been awake for a little while and just laid beside JC. Propped up onto my elbow watching his chest rise and fall rhythmically. His long eyelashes fluttered from time to time. I sighed as I felt my chest tighten up as I thought about not seeing him everyday. JC shifted slowly and started opening up his eyes. 

“Hi,” he whispered and cleared his throat. “You’ve been up long?” I shook my head. 

“Just like watching you sleep,” I put my hand on his cheek and caressed it. 

“See? You’re totally a stalker,” he replied playfully. 

“I am.” He laughed. I jumped from the bed and went into my bag and pulled a little box from it. 

“So, I know it’s cheesy but I got you something for Christmas.” He sat up with his eyes open wide. “You did?” he said excitedly. “I mean you totally didn’t have to, but I love presents.” A childish grin had crept onto his face. 

“But wait I wanna go first,” he stretched over to his jacket and pulled something from the pocket. A book. “So, it’s kinda stupid,” he said sitting on the bed with his legs straight. He grabbed my hand and led me to him, pulling me onto his lap until I was straddling him. “I noticed you’ve had a different book with you every time we’ve met, and I finally remembered who you remind me of, with your beautiful face and big eyes and dark hair and awesome wit.” he turned the book over and I could read the title “Gone with the Wind”. “This is my copy, I want you to have it, and think of me when you read it, especially the scene after the Atlanta fire.” “Hey no spoilers!” I said hitting him over the shoulder with the back of my hand and reaching for the book. I took it from him and then put my arms around his neck. We kissed, one of his hands cupping my cheek. “Thank you, I love it,” I whispered. 

“Now you,” he said, lifting his eyebrows. I smiled a huge smile. 

“I saw it at the Weinachtsmarkt back in Dortmund and it made me think of you,” I told him and handed him the small box. He opened it slowly. 

“Oh wow I love it!” He said with big bright eyes. “Help me put it on.” I grabbed the leather string and pulled myself up until I was kneeling on the bed with JC between my knees and put it around his neck tying a small knot with both ends. 

“Ooops I think I tied it on too tight.” I said sitting down on his lap again. 

He pressed his lips against mine. “It’s fine, this Leo pendant is never leaving my neck.” He whispered kissing me again, one hand in the back of my neck, the other one creeping up on my thigh. I wrapped both arms around him and let myself get lost in him all over again. 

We made plans to meet again in Köln for New Years. *Nsync would have 5 days off before flying to Sweden to re-record some vocals before the finishing touches could be made on the record. JC had already cleared it with management and with the rest of the guys. I was so happy I was going to get to see him again and it was only a week away. Back in Dortmund I made sure I stayed occupied so I wouldn’t go crazy counting the seconds until New Years, which wasn’t hard because I had a lot of things to do. When I got back from Köln I’d be only one week away from going home and I had a lot of assignments left to do. 

Köln was heaven. No school, no interviews, no shows, no late night TV appearances. We were staying with my group of friends at a cute town house a couple kilometers from town center. My friends loved having JC around. Most of them had already seen him on TV, I mean in the last couple of weeks they had been everywhere. They always wanted to hang out and JC was a sweetheart, but we still had a lot of time to be alone. 

We really got into the coupley things to do around Kôln. We took walks along the Rhein river, we visited a couple of museums, we did the romantic dinner thing. Especially lovely was a little picnic we arranged on december 31st at the Rheinpark. The weather was nice, not too cold but not warm either. We were attending a big Sylvester party that night so we decided to have a very late lunch. I was sitting down on a blanket on the grass with my ankles crossed, his head on my lap while he laid on his back, eyes closed. A group of children playing tag in the background, couples walking along the pathway. My hands were in his hair, scratching softly at his scalp, my head leaned back while I stared at the setting sun. 

Suddenly he took a deep, long sigh. He opened his eyes and rolled them back to look at me. He then rolled over to his tummy and placed his chin on my thigh. 

“So what’s 1997 looking like for you?” he asked. 

I gave him a half smile, “a little gray since you’ll be here and I’ll be halfway around the world,” I replied, still looking into the sky. He started running one of his fingers up and down my thigh, making little figures with the tip. 

“Listen, I…” JC started sitting up. I put my hand on his chest, leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. 

“Can we please not talk about this right now? Seems like a conversation for another year.” He smiled and pecked me back so we went back to enjoying the sunset and being blissfully oblivious to our impending misery. 

We walked into a big tent that had been set up for the party. I had settled on a plaid mini skirt with a white V neck blouse and thick wool tights down to my ankle height black boots. My hair was in a half ponytail. JC was wearing baggy navy blue jeans and a white buttoned up, long sleeved shirt and his million dollar smile. 

We danced, we drank, we had a great time. We kissed at midnight and around 3AM decided to call it a night. We walked to the house, one of his arms around my shoulders, me clinging to his torso. We walked slowly, taking in the dawning air. When we got home we climbed right into bed, a mess of limbs as we hungrily got rid of clothes and let passion take over. He already knew how to touch me, where to kiss me, how to drive me insane and I just let myself get caught up in it, enjoying every second of it. 

“This was a very nice way to start a year,” he said laughing as I laid on top of him with my head on his chest, feeling it rise and fall slowly, his arms around my waist, I was already drifting off to sleep as I chuckled softly. 

The next two days were a blur. We spent most of new year’s day in bed. Eating, reading, watching TV, shutting the outside world out. 

“So I’m leaving tomorrow,” I said as I handed him a steaming hot of tea and sat with my legs folded under me. JC looked up from his book and closed it laying it on the bed, taking the cup from me. 

“It’s time for the talk?” he asked. I nodded. 

“I guess it’s time,” I replied looking down to my hands. 

JC put the cup on the nightstand and scooted over on the bed closer to me. He pulled me close, my back to his chest and put his arms around me, holding me tight, his legs to both sides of me. He placed his chin on my shoulder. 

“Listen” he started. “I’ve done the whole long distance thing, and it didn't really work out.” 

“And that’s with someone you were eventually going home to,” I added. I turned around so I was now facing him, both my hands on his knees, his eyes fixated on the bed. 

“I am not delusional, babe,” his eyes wide, as he listened, “I knew what this was since the beginning, we already had an expiration date. I don’t expect you to make any promises to me. It’s been amazing, but it is what it is. You have a brilliant career awaiting for you, I need to go home and figure out what I'm going to do.” 

He pulled me to him and sat me down on his lap. 

“I wish it could be different,” he said almost in a whisper. “I just need you to know this has really been special to me. I’ll keep you close to my heart forever.” He looked right into my eyes as he grabbed the little lion stone hanging from the leather strings around his neck and squeezed it. 

36 hours later we were standing in the train station. His train was leaving earlier than mine, he was on his way to Frankfurt where he would meet the guys and board a plane straight to Sweden and back to work. 

We were standing glued to each other, his hands around my waist, mine around his neck. His forehead pressed against mine. 

He bent down slowly and kissed me sweetly, one hand in my hair, the other one cupping my cheek as a tear rolled down and wet his fingers.

I didn’t say anything but I knew I had fallen in love with him and this was killing me. He broke the kiss slowly and wiped away my tears, a miserable look on his face. 

He took his bag and put it on his shoulder, grabbed my hand and pulled me in for another kiss. I tried to make it last longer and pressed my body against his. 

“We’ll find each other again,” he said, looking into my eyes and then walking away, leaving me devastated on platform 12 at Köln Hauptbahnhof.