I settled into the train seat, blowing on my hands to get them a little warmed up. It had been a brutally cold couple of days since I had been back in Dortmund trying to readjust to somewhat of a routine, but my world had been turned upside down by a young man and it just seemed that things would never be the same for me. 

I watched the trees speed by as I neared the station closest to school. Bettina had offered to drive me a little later since I had first period free and so did she but I just needed a little time to myself out of the house to gather my thoughts and feelings. My mind wandered back to Essen a couple days earlier. To how the walk back to the train station had been quiet and slow, how we were trying to stretch out time hand in hand. We had settled onto one of the benches on the platform, facing each other. Between kisses and jokes, two trains had passed, one headed to Dûsseldorf, one headed to Dortmund and we didn't even notice. It was a good thing we had checked and there would be other trains coming by. As he had whispered something cheesy in my ear and we slowly parted to look into each other's faces, I remembered JC had mentioned earlier they would be in Berlin in the middle of December, which was only a week away. I had planned a trip to Berlin before the New Year, I hadn't settled on a date, however. I wanted to visit a friend and go on the campus tour for the Freie Universität Berlins and the teaching hospital Charité. I took a deep breath and mentioned this to JC, feeling vulnerable. He opened his eyes wide, beaming at me. 

“I was trying to get up the nerve to ask you to meet me in Berlin,” he said almost in disbelief. “But I felt like an idiot asking you to move around your schedule to come to me again.” He pulled me into a tight hug and chuckled. “You're awesome,” he then whispered close to my ear and gave me a wet smooch on the cheek. 

So we made plans to meet again. The goodbye at the train station in Essen had been awkward but sweet. Knowing that we definitely would see each other again made it a little less hard. But now I was feeling a little restless. Time could not go fast enough as I counted days until our December 13th rendezvous. It was a friday, which JC found hilarious. But I also didn't want time to speed up too much, because after December 13th would come new years (Or Sylvester as they call it in Germany) which I was spending with some people from Dortmund in Köln and then January 11th was just around the corner, which meant going home for me. I was excited to go back home. It meant seeing my parents, siblings, friends. No more cold, yummy food. But it also meant the end of whatever this thing with JC was, and that thought made me a little sad. 

I stepped off the train, into the street and began walking towards school, slowly. 

When I got back home I slowly walked into the house, I heard Bettina coming down the stairs and the moment she saw me she jumped down from the last 3 steps, grabbed my hand and rushed me to my bedroom where a package had been placed on top of my bed. She smiled wide and said “It’s not from Guatemala, so I can only guess who sent it.” I quickly rushed to my bed grabbing the package and started to rip the paper off of it. A cd case fell onto my lap along with a letter.

“My pretty girl Kiki,

I’m sure we’ve talked over the phone after our amazing date in Essen. But I missed you so much on the train ride, it was cold and you weren’t there to keep me warm. Then I came back home (If a hotel room can be considered home) and Lou had brought the first samples of the album to us and the only thing I could think about was that I wanted you to listen to it. So everyone says the mail or Deutsche Post is very efficient so I’m running down to the nearest mail thingy after asking Lance for one of his stamps so I can get this to you ASAP. 

I will be very anxiously awaiting your review when we meet in Berlin. Remember, Friday the 13th at 3.32 at platform 4D. I will be the one with the huge smile on my face when you step off from that train. Remember the album comes out until next year so please don’t pass it around a lot. 

Yours,

JC

PS: I will be thinking about you while performing some of these songs in our next couple of gigs.”

Bettina had already put the cd in the boombox and started playing the songs. She was very excited, she loved the single that was already out before I even met JC.

We played the cd at least 4 times in a row. It was great. The harmonies were flawless, the songs were great. JC sounded amazing in every one of them. I especially loved For the girl who has everything and Sailing. There was so much emotion in JC’s voice. 

After our little listening party I rushed to the phone, I needed to let my parents know I would be out of town and give them the schedule I had already put together. I talked to my mom for a little while, I really wanted to tell her everything but the phone call would’ve been too long. I was already writing a letter to her and my sister with the details of my latest adventure so I quickly asked to talk to my dad to give him all the details of the trip. Then we said our goodbyes and scheduled our next phone call. As I put down the receiver I frowned because I couldn’t really call JC, I never knew where he was at any given time. We only really talked when he called. 

The next few days went by quite quickly. I had already started doing some Christmas shopping. I loved going to the Weinachtsmarkt, which is a very cool German tradition. It’s actually nothing more than a Christmas market but the one in Dortmund was famous for having the tallest Christmas tree and the best Glûhwein, an amazing just slightly gross beverage that consists of warm red wine with spices. It’s gross but so good! Plus it goes straight to your head and makes your belly warm. I even found the perfect present for JC and was excited to see him. Only 2 days to go and I would be spending 5 whole days with him. 

The day finally came. I was very nervous. I was to meet JC upon arrival. He had insisted, although I had to go straight to my friend’s house because he had to prepare for the show that night. I was very excited to watch him perform again. I stepped into the train, ticket in hand, heart racing.

A very long 4 hours later, the train started to slow down waking me from a slumber. I quickly sat up and gathered my bag. Heart racing again. 

I stepped onto the platform, a little tired, I rubbed one of my eyes as I started walking. I blinked hard and I saw him. Standing there, looking at me, smiling, beaming, with his hands in his pockets. Without thinking I dropped my bag and ran towards him throwing myself into his arms as he grabbed me and spun me around while I squealed. He put me down, grabbed my face and planted the most amazing kiss on my lips. I surrendered in his arms, if he hadn’t been holding me up I would’ve been putty on the floor. 

He grabbed my hand laughing as he started walking towards my bag on the floor. “You’re gonna lose all your stuff,” he added laughing as he bent down and threw the bag over his shoulder. We got into a taxi and drove straight to my friend’s house. It wasn’t that far away from where JC was staying and not too far away from the club where they would be performing that night. We got out of the car and I quickly remembered the number of the apartment Frieda had given me. 3H. So I browsed the numbers and rang the bell when I found it. She buzzed us in when I had announced myself and we walked up the stairs with JC, holding hands. 

Frieda received me with a huge hug as she was holding the door to her apartment wide open when we reached her floor. I introduced JC and we walked inside. Frieda had been one of my best friends back home, she was 2 years older than me, though, so she had graduated last year and moved to Berlin. It was hard keeping in touch but we somehow managed. 

She had already arranged a selection of cheese, cold cuts and some warm croissants for us to eat. Along with some wine and fruit. We settled into the living room and ate as we chatted. She was fascinated with the moving around aspect of being in show business. She wanted to know everything about the creative aspect, too. She was majoring in journalism so it didn’t surprise me. JC told us all about how he had started writing music a couple years into being in the MMC. He was always hungry to know more, he praised his vocal coach who they were still working with. He had learned to play guitar, piano and drums. He had written a lot of songs, they had even used one of the ones he wrote for a showcase they had done in Disney the year prior. 

I sat back on the couch, glass of wine in hand, and smiled. I watched them bounce the conversation back and forth and seemed to be enjoying themselves. I felt a warm sensation in my belly and realized I had been staring at JC. He winked at me and snapped me out of my trance, I just loved how he was trying to fit into my world. 

Finally JC announced he had to be going, he needed to go back to the guys and begin prepping for the show that night. He took two passes out of his coat and handed them to me. “This should give you both access to the backstage and everything”. I walked him out, he put his hands around my waist, I put my arms around his neck. “I’m so happy you’re here,” he whispered before lowering his mouth to mine. 

I walked back into the apartment as if walking on clouds and plopped down on the couch next to Frieda. She was smiling at me with wide open eyes. 

“You slut!” she said and threw a pillow at me. “He’s gorgeous!”

I threw my head back laughing. 

“So how is it?” she asked, raising both eyebrows. 

“What?”

“The sex?!?” I shifted uncomfortably and averted her gaze. “You haven’t?” she sat closer to me. 

“Well, no. We just met, shut up.” I grabbed the pillow and hugged it, feeling exposed. “Plus… you know I have never… you know.” Frieda rolled her eyes. 

“Yes, I know, I just hoped you had gotten over the whole sex for love thing. Sex is fun!” she laughed loudly. I looked at her and squinted. This had been a recurrent conversation for us. I had decided a while back that I was only going to lose my virginity with someone I loved, or at least cared about. Especially because I had wasted my first kiss on someone who was no one, after a night of drinking, so I at least wanted this to mean something. 

“You do know he’ll be expecting it?” 

My heart started racing again and I could feel the palms of my hands getting clammy. 

“I know,” I said quietly looking down. “I know.” 

“Well, my roommate is out of town so I’ll be taking her room. If you decide whatever, my room is all yours.” I looked at her and laughed, but still worried. 

After getting all dolled up we stepped outside and began our walk to the club. It was a beautiful night and we had a lot to catch up on, so we decided to walk the 12 blocks until we were there. The show was scheduled to begin at 11PM, we got there 15 minutes prior. We went inside, straight to the wardrobe to check our coats and to the bar. We ordered two beers and settled by a small table a couple feet from the stage. Frieda was telling me all about college life, why she decided to live off campus and the job she had started a couple months back in a bookstore a couple blocks from her apartment. She had found a very cool roommate, who she went to school with. 

Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there was JC standing behind me, wearing some kind of space pants and a white t-shirt. I smiled sweetly at him as he pecked me on the cheek. 

“I was afraid you weren’t gonna make it, I thought you’d come backstage, I gave you the passes,” he said with a pout. 

“I’m sorry babe, I thought you’d be busy,” I clung to his neck. 

“It’s fine,” he kissed me. “I just wanted a good luck kiss, bye.” he kissed me again and took off quickly. 

The lights dimmed, the music stopped. The show was starting. 

I can’t even begin to explain the magnetism these guys had when they were on stage. The chemistry that was so tangible, you felt like you knew them, like they were there for you only. The energy of their act was undeniable. Even Frieda was lost in the dynamics of it and she was a hip-hop kind of girl. 

JC was magnetic. The way he moved, the way he so obviously was enjoying himself, the way everyone was moved and touched by his perfect vocals. It was just an amazing performance altogether. Of course it helped that every time JC got a chance to seek me out in the audience he’d flirt blatantly. He even grabbed my hand a couple times.

“Friend, you guys are practically having sex right now with him right on stage, the looks he’s giving you! You need to get on that,” she said loudly in my ear. “Look at him! The guy is sex on a stick!” The show ended, the guys went backstage to change. 

They came out after a while, everyone was excited to see them. JC grabbed onto my hand the second he saw me and he didn't let it go for the remainder of the evening. We drank beer, we danced, we hung out. The two younger guys were the first to leave, their mothers were there and decided it had been enough for one night. They protested that it was Friday and they didn’t have to study the next day, it was in vain, they were dragged to their hotel nonetheless. 

Half an hour later Frieda was nowhere to be found, the last time I had seen her she had been doing shots with Joey over by the bar. JC’s hand was on my waist while he chatted about some synthesizer with one of the people in the band when I felt Frieda’s hand on my shoulder, I turned around to see her, Joey clinging to her side. She let me know she and Joey were going to go listen to some tunes back at her place, and to let myself in, as she handed me a key. JC turned to see us quickly, “Or you can go back with me to the hotel so you guys can have some privacy?” he said and then made a face like he regretted being so forward. 

“Awesome, bye!” said Joey and was quickly on his way. 

I looked sheepishly at JC. 

“I’m sorry… was that too forward? I just thought we could go back and hang?” he said. 

“It’s fine,” I kissed him softly. He wrapped his free hand around my waist and deepened the kiss while blindly searching for the table to set down his beer. I started getting dizzy, I didn’t know if it was the feeling of JC’s body on mine or the 5 or 6 beers I had already had but my head felt empty. JC broke our embrace slightly and whispered, almost panting “Wanna get out of here?”

I can’t even remember how we got to the hotel. I only remember wet kisses and hands on my hair, on my waist, messing up his hair, feeling the muscles on his back. I remember running through the hall shushing JC who had gotten a little loud, we got to the door and he fumbled with the keys while I stood huddled to his chest and ran a trail of small kisses all the way from his ear down his perfect jawline to his chin. He giggled and told me to stop. He finally put the key in the door and started to turn it. “You know what? It drove me absolutely crazy hearing you call me babe earlier.” he said as he quickly pulled me into the room by my arm. I laughed hysterically as I sat on the bed taking off my big coat and my shoes. JC walked over the small table under a small mirror and took a water bottle and handed it over, then took off his coat. I opened the bottle and took a couple sips looking around. The room was very small, a medium sized bed in the middle, a small table with two chairs under a small mirror. Bad lightning, aTV and a small bathroom. Nothing fancy. But it was very neat, a suitcase sat with the zipper undone but closed on one of the chairs. There were a couple of shirts neatly folded on the table next to two other bottles of water. I felt a little drunk, and my vision was slightly blurry. 

JC stood in front of me and pulled me up to my feet, took the water bottle and placed it on the table. He towered over me, I looked into his eyes and was lost in a sea of blue. I looked a little closer and discovered a few golden specs near his irises. I sighed, a trembly sigh. 

“Hi,” he whispered softly. One hand placed on the small of my back, the other one cupping my cheek, he kissed me slowly at first but then pulled me closer by applying pressure to my back and deepened the kiss. His tongue exploring every corner of my mouth. I felt a guttural moan leave his body and I trembled. I started getting dizzy again, the taste of his mouth was driving me insane. He slowly guided me down onto the bed not breaking the kiss. When my head hit the pillow he moved on to my chin, to my neck. He found my collarbone and kissed me there making me weak. His hand moved from my waist to my hips and he ran it all the way to the back of my thigh until he grabbed the back of my knee bending it, making the space between us smaller. I could feel the weight of his body on me. The roll of his hips against mine. I started breathing very heavily. My mind was running a thousand miles per hour. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything. I was losing myself in him. As he kissed my neck and caressed my thigh I heard him moan softly, which made me get into my head, I looked around the room as JC’s breathing got a little more irregular. The boy who had always been so controlled and together was starting to get restless. I could feel him start to lose control as one of his hands found its way under the back of my shirt and the other one started to grab my ass. 

“You taste so good,” he whispered softly, “I’ve been thinking about this all day.” He kissed me on the mouth again but must’ve sensed something wasn’t right. I was hyperventilating and I felt my body start to tense up. I had released my grip on his arm and now my arms were just lying to my sides, my hands rolled up into fists, my eyes tightly closed. 

He immediately stopped, pushed himself slightly off the bed and looked at me. “Hey, hey,” he said quietly to get me to open my eyes. “Baby are you okay?” he whispered with genuine concern in his eyes. 

I opened my eyes slowly, trying not to look at him. “I’m sorry,” I said looking away. “I’m sorry.” I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. 

“Hey, pretty girl,” JC said again now propped up on his elbow, lying on his side next to me. He took my chin in his free hand forcing me to look at him. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do. I didn’t bring you back here to have sex with you… I mean, I wouldn’t say no…” he said playfully. I smiled. “There you go, pretty girl with a pretty smile.” He leaned towards me and kissed my nose. “I am completely and utterly attracted to you, so yeah, of course I would love to sleep with you, but that was not what this is about. I just want to spend time with you, that’s it.” He said. 

“Plus,” he said, now sitting up and crossing his legs. “We’ve had a lot to drink, we’re tired. It was already a fun night, wanna call it and go to sleep?” My eyes filled with tears again as I nodded slowly. “Awesome, plus, it’s Friday the 13th.” he told me as he jumped off the bed, rushed to his suitcase which flew open and he handed me a T-shirt and some shorts. 

“Well, it’s already Saturday,'' I said looking at the alarm clock sitting on one of the bedside tables.” “Ha!” he chuckled loudly, throwing his head back. “We survived!” I laughed, feeling a little more relaxed but still kind of guilty and ashamed. 

“Here, I’ll go change in the bathroom, you can change here.” I was already sitting on the bed, he bent down, kissed my forehead and ran into the bathroom. When he came out he motioned for me to go in. He had left an unopened toothbrush on the sink for me. When I came out, he was already under the covers and motioned for me to get in next to him. I slowly crawled into bed and laid my head on his chest. He rolled me over, pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around my waist. 

“Good night babe,” he whispered in my ear as we quickly fell asleep in each other’s arms.