Nicole sat on a barstool, leaning against the cool concrete countertop in Matt and Candace's kitchen. Candace was pouring both herself and Nicole a third glass of champagne. She tossed the empty bottle into the recycle container at the opposite end of the counter. She pulled out another bottle. She called out to Matt to come and open it. He did so effortlessly, and Candace topped off their glasses. Nicole hated to drive, and she knew she was going to drink, so she decided to hitch a ride to the Troubadour with Matt and his wife. 

"So, what made you change your mind?" Candace asked her.

Nicole wasn't sure how to answer that. She didn't really want to go. As the date got closer, she couldn't help but think about Josh. When he had walked her home three weeks before, he had said he was going to be there. She never confirmed. She hadn't even talked to him since that night. A little piece of her hoped he'd show up, and while she didn't want to admit to herself, let alone to anyone else, she was sorta going because she was hoping he'd go too. Or, she at least was curious about whether he'd show up.  "I don't know," she mumbled. "Guess I won't hear the end of it if I don't go." She took a long swallow of the bubbly beverage.

"It's okay to miss him." Candace told her. "This kind of stuff is always supposed to hurt. I mean, he--"

Nicole cut her off, "He's been dead six years. It doesn't hurt. I don't need to miss him. I don't need to take rides in the way back machine and do the things we used to do, and reflect on shit from a whole other lifetime ago. Matt likes to do that shit. Joel is sentimental as fuck, he lives for that emotional shit, that's why he's marrying Kaylee. He likes that rollercoaster of emotion. Man, I just want to live in the here and now, and not think about all that other shit no one can change." She finished her glass, and pushed it toward Candace for a refill. 

"Then maybe you should start living in the present. You stalled out, girl." Matt called from the other room.

"That's you guys. You guys go to cemeteries, and visit with Viv, and have memorial concerts, and fucking celebrate birthdays. I lived." She called back.

Matt rejoined the ladies in the kitchen. He took the champagne from Candace and poured more into Nicole's glass. "Ignoring and moving on are two very different things."

"Hey, I'm going, aren't I?"

The three arrived at the Troubadour at 8:00 exactly. Nicole found their punctuality an appropriate sign of their old age. When they entered, the space was more crowded than she expected. She immediately took the stairs, two at a time, and went straight to the loft area bar. She leaned against the bar top, waiting to be served, when she heard her name called out behind her. She turned to see a familiar face.

"Scott!" she called back. 

She smiled and walked toward him. He was standing with a very blonde, very beautiful girl. She had on tight leather pants, and a plain white shirt that Nicole was sure she purchased from the kids section at Target. She looked good though. She hugged him, and quickly introduced herself to his date. Her name was Megan. They were married three years ago and just had a baby six months ago. Nicole made a mental note of how unbelievably put together Megan appeared for being a new mom, and decided she would immediately start running more. Scott informed her that they had a reserved section at the other side of the balcony, and led her to their already congregated group. Immediately she noticed Joel and Kaylee who were seated at one of the tables. 

Scott introduced her, "Hey guys, this is Nicole. This was Jay's girl." He laughed a little with nostalgia. Joel cringed and made a gesture of apology with his hands, while a few of the faces seated around him smiled in remembrance. The group moved a bit to make room, and she took a seat next to Kaylee.

The volume of the group increased in size over the next 45 minutes. The first band, The Minutemen, were a local ska band, and while they were on the bill as the early performers, they brought in a rather large crowd. Nicole skimmed the downstairs area, hoping to catch sight of a familiar face. She tried to crane her neck to look towards the door, but she didn't get a clear line of sight. She excused herself from the table and headed downstairs. She walked to the entrance, told the bouncer she was going to step out to smoke a cigarette, and he waved her by. 

She walked a few paces away from the entrance, and pulled her pack of cigarettes from her purse, tapped one out, lit it, then swapped the pack and lighter for her phone in her bag. She opened the text app, and shot off a text:

Matty D, Joel: Outside smoking. FYI

She waited for a few seconds, but no reply. She closed the text app and busied herself scrolling through Instagram. She struggled to concentrate on the scrolling images, and decided to move on to the Woody Block game. She took a final drag from her cigarette and tossed it to the floor, just as her phone vibrated in her hand, and she noticed the text notification:

Josh: Those things will kill ya!

Nicole immediately looked up and scanned the vicinity. Back near the door, she saw Josh, in a black jacket, an orange trucker hat, and a pair of Ray-Ban eyeglasses. He had a decent amount of graying facial hair sprouting about his chin, and he looked slightly less unkempt compared to the last time she saw him, but the glasses framed his face nicely. She thought he had gotten a haircut, but upon further investigation, it was just tied back into a low bun that peaked out just under the strap on the back of his hat. She walked over to him quickly. 

"I didn't think you were serious about coming to this."

"Am I too late?"

"No." She smiled. "Everyone is inside. Our friends' band performs in a few minutes. I think Matt and Joel will join them at the end of the set."

He followed her into the bar, and she headed directly up the stairs where she had previously left everyone. 

She stopped at the bar on the way up. "You want something to drink?" she asked him as she shimmied her way through the small crowd gathered around the bar. 

He pressed his way through as well and sidled up next to her. "Yeah, but my treat this time." He smiled. 

They ordered beers with the bartender, and took their drinks to the other side of the loft. Matt and Joel saw her walking up with him, and immediately Joel stood up and walked over to shake his hand. It took Matt a minute to realize who he was and then walked over to join them.

"Damn, you were serious!" Joel laughed. 

"I don't think I realize you guys still talked?" Matt asked. 

"We don't," Nicole laughed. 

"I live near here. Joel mentioned it a few weeks ago when we had dinner and did the trivia thing. I told him I'd come check you guys out on your reunion tour," JC laughed. 

Matt called Candace over. As she approached, he wrapped his arm around her and turned her to face JC. "Hey babe, come meet Josh. He and his friend rescued Nicole from the bar a few weeks ago."

Candace smiled brightly and reached her hand out to shake his, but before she could grip his waiting had, recognition set it. "You're Josh?" She asked, slightly confused. 

He nodded, extending his hand closer to her. 

"You're JC. Right? JC Chasez!" She smiled and blushed.

"J is for Josh, C for... you know" He explained uncomfortably and dropped his hand to his side. 

"Oh shit!  You helped NIcole?" She laughed and looked at Nicole. "Do you know who this is?" 

"Candy, shut up," Nicole warned.  She turned to JC, "We were drinking before we got here," she offered as an explanation for the awkwardness of the moment. 

"It's fine," He shrugged it off. "It's nice to meet you, Candy."

"Holy Shit. Nicole, it's JC from the *NSYNC."

"Candy, I know. Shut up." Nicole reached her hand up and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Matt!" She sighed. 

Not sure what was happening, Matt pulled his wife aside. Nicole turned to Josh. "I'm so sorry about that." 

JC smiled, "It's fine. Occupational hazard. He took a sip of his drink.  "I'm just happy when they don't scream."

"You wanna sit over here," Nicole pointed to empty seats at the far end of the group's area. Or do you want to go stand somewhere else?

"We can sit." 

They sat in silence as the band on stage finished their last song. The lights came up slightly. JC wasn't saying anything. 

Struggling to fill the awkward silence, Nicole repeated her earlier sentiment. "I still can't believe you're here. Like you remembered." The second it came out of her mouth, she wished she could suck it back in. Did she really sound that desperate?

He remained silent. Nicole looked around. Joel and Matt caught her eye as she watched them follow Scott and the rest of the band down the stairs. She thought maybe it was a good excuse to get up and say something to them. Anything to fill the silence. 

"Did you know me?" He finally asked her awkwardly.

"What?"

"Did you know, like, who I am? What I do?"

"Kaylee told me at trivia," she explained. 

"You didn't say anything?"

"No?"  

JC said nothing. Again, the silence was a killer. Nicole put the beer up to her lips and took a long sip. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, his hat was pulled down low and she couldn't get a read. She felt like she was in trouble. She felt a bit like a liar. She finished her drink, and turned to face him. He did not respond. She reached into her bag. She figured she'd smoke another cigarette. It would give her something to do, and would allow him to leave without being too awkward. JC lifted his drink and drained what was left. He set it down quickly and turned to Nicole. She held her breath. She was so inexplicably nervous. 

"You want another drink?" he asked her with a slight smile. 

She looked at him slack jawed. "Fuck! I thought I was in trouble. Jesus Christ." She slapped his arm playfully.

He chuckled in response and stood up. Nicole tried to follow, but he placed his hand on her shoulder to keep her seated and headed off in the direction of the bar. Immediately, Candace took JC's empty seat. 

"Nicole, JC Fucking Chasez!" 

"Candy, for fuck sake. Shut up."

"Are you guys hooking up?"

"No!"

"You've been talking all this time."

"No."

"He's just randomly here?"

"No."

"What is happening here?"

"He knew about the show and came out to see it. He told Joel he would come out."

"It all makes sense now."

"What makes sense?"

"The change of heart." Candace laughed loudly. 

Her glee was short-lived. Candace and Nicole were joined by an older woman. Her graying blond hair was long and frizzed into soft voluminous ringlets. She wore a gray caftan and her bangle bracelets announced her arrival. Candace thought about sweeping the woman into a hug and changing her trajectory, but it was too late. The woman's eyes were locked on Nicole. 

"My sweet girl!" She announced loudly. 

Nicole recognized her voice immediately, and turned sharply. They made eye contact and Nicole paled, she felt a slight sweat tickle the back of her neck, and she stood Slowly. "Viv," she said with a forced smile. 

Vivian wrapped her into a hug and immediately tears welled in her eyes. "My girl, My girl! It has been too long. How is my only daughter?" 

Nicole did not respond. She stiffened under Vivian's embrace. After a beat, Vivian released her, and repositioned her hands on either side of Nicole's face.

"I miss this face. So many memories. Good memories. I talk to Jason every day. I tell him how I miss this face."

JC returned with two beers, awkwardly smiling at the affectionate moment he had walked in on. It took a moment to register Nicole's discomfort. 

"Viv, Viv," Candace grabbed the woman's arm to redirect her attention. "Here we have this seat for you. Sit, they will probably play soon."

Vivian slid her hands to the top of Nicole's shoulders. "Seeing you again. You make my heart feel almost whole. Why don't you ever come to see me? I need to see that face more often. It's all I have left of him." She smiled widely, then released Nicole.

Nicole grabbed her purse from her chair and headed straight for the stairs. She felt slightly weak, and the edges of her field of vision began to blur. She felt like she was peering through a tunnel. She made it to the stairs and gripped the rail as she descended them. She was trying to focus her vision and she felt her chest become very hot, and the heat began to radiate up her neck. She weaved through the small crowd on the ground level and headed straight for the door. Once outside, she felt like she was going to be sick. She turned left and walked a few paces down the street before heading to the curb. She heaved and coughed, but nothing came out. She hadn't quite realized, but tears began to well in her eyes as she heaved again. She concentrated on her breathing. In through her mouth, out through her nose. When she was sure she was done, she stood up straight and stepped up onto the sidewalk. JC came rushing over to her. 

"Nicole. Are you okay?" JC asked, walking toward her. 

Completely embarrassed by her current physical and mental state, she sighed and turned away from him. The tears were threatening to spill, and she blinked several times before she realized it was futile.  

"I got my car, it's right over there," he pointed across the street, "we can get out of here."

Nicole turned back to face him. Wiped at her cheeks below her eyes. Hoisted her purse onto her shoulder and willed her tears to stop. She took a deep quick breath, wiped at her nose and started walking toward him. He turned and led her to the corner, where they crossed the street and found his black Mercedes E-Class parked in the back of a public parking lot. He held the passenger door open for her and she got in. He jogged around the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. He started the car and put it in gear. He glanced over at her. She had regained the color in her face. Her tears had stopped, but she was quiet. 

"Um. It's been a while since I've, you know, had to deal with crying girls." he laughed awkwardly, hoping it would break the ice. "So, I'm not sure where we should go."

Sufficiently embarrassed, Nicole sucked in a quick laugh in response. 

"I mean, usually when girls cry around me, it's because they are madly in love with me." He winked at her.

Nicole rolled her eyes in response. 

"You, on the other hand, look genuinely upset. When I'm upset, there is only one place I like to go..." He patted his stomach, "Astro Burger!" he said with a smile. And the car purred out of the parking lot, as JC took a quick right onto Santa Monica blvd.

They entered the Astro Burger parking lot and JC immediately zipped his car into the drive-through. He ordered a couple of burgers, and drinks, then parked his car at the empty end of the parking lot. He handed her a burger and she unwrapped it carefully. JC, did not take as much precaution. He unwrapped the burger completely and in a few bites half of the sandwich was gone. 

He chewed quickly, and in between bites, mouth still slightly full, turned to her and said, "So, Spill!"

She gave him a quizzical look and took a small bite of her burger. Then reached into the bag to pull out a few french fries. 

Unaccepting of her silence, he asked, "Was that your mother or something?"

"No."

"Hey, man. I have no skin in the game. I'm a safe space. Whatever that was all about back there, you can't keep that shit in."

"She's not my mom. My parents are dead."

"Sorry," JC took two more bites and his burger was done. He crumpled the wrapper and tossed it back into the bag. 

"She's my. I mean, I don't know what you call her. My mother-in-law?"

"You're married?" JC said, taken aback. All of Nicole's behavior would suggest she was single. 

"No."

JC did not say anything, but prompted her to elaborate via a stern look.

"What do you call a dead fiancé? Ex?"

He knitted his eyebrows together in response. 

"I was almost married. Like a few years ago. That's his mom. I haven't seen her in a while. She's a lot to handle."

"Go on."

"That's it." 

"No."

"I mean, yeah. It is." She laughed a little. 

"Your dead fiancé's mother just randomly shows up to bars to watch punk rock shows?"

"He was in the band with Joel and Matt. I mean, that's how we all knew each other. I've known Joel my entire life. When we were kids, the three of them started a band. They had an okay run. Some small little local tours and things. They haven't performed since Jason died." she paused, thinking how rarely it was she actually said his name. "So I guess Matt or Joel let her know they were performing. They still talk to her. I don't. I told you, she's a lot to handle."

"How'd he die?"

"Car accident."

JC turned sharply at her. 

She wasn't sure why, but the words kept coming out. "We were on the freeway. A car drifted over. I tried to stop, but it came over too fast, clipped us." She turned to look at JC, who was studying her face. "Apparently you're supposed to turn into the spin." Nicole shrugged and spiraled her hand out in front of her, mimicking the motions of a steering wheel. "That's not on the driving test." Nicole didn't really have an appetite to begin with, but now it was gone. She wrapped up the rest of her burger and placed it in the bag. She turned and looked out the passenger window.

Not sure what to say next, JC stayed quiet. He watched the headlights of passing cars light up her face. She remained motionless. Finally, JC mumbled, "It's not your fault."

"Yeah." She nodded, still looking away from him. "It's just hard." Silence. "You know, to see her." 

JC nodded. "It's hard... when you haven't forgiven yourself yet."

She finally turned to look at him. "Look. I don't blame myself, you know."

"I didn't say you did." 

Again, the words just kept spilling out. "You know, I don't need to talk about him all the time. I don't need to sit around and light a fucking prayer candle and surround myself with pictures and all that shit, and reminisce. You know?" 

She looked at JC, but he didn't respond.

"They like to get together and talk about ‘oh that one time...' ‘Remember when we all...' ‘Remember that night when...' ‘He loved that song...' Or, ‘That was his favorite whatever...' You know?"

"Sometimes, I guess, people like remembering those things. It's like those flashes take you back to that time when you felt good, and you were with that person. But, I mean, I get that that might not be--"

She interrupted his thought. "You know what I remember. The tilt of his head. He was looking at me. And his jaw was resting on his chest because it wasn't completely attached to his face anymore. And the smell of gasoline. And, the red wetness of his blood. That's the memory burned into my mind." She turned her attention back to the passenger window. 

She maintained her gaze away from JC, but he could see the increase in her blinking. He reached over and gripped her shoulder. Startled, she turned toward him and swatted his hand away. She wiped at her eyes, took two deep breaths, and again turned her gaze out the passenger window.