Nicole arrived home later than she had hoped. Before entering the elevator, she glanced at herself in the decorative mirror that hung in the lobby. She was dressed in navy blue running shorts and an electric green singlet. Her skin was still pink and splotchy, and her hair, while tied up in a ponytail, came loose in places and frizzed at her temples. October in Southern California was normally hot and dry, but today the humidity was abnormal, making her training run with the kids through the streets of South LA extra miserable. No shade in the concrete jungle, and she was still overheated, even after the hour commute in the crisp air conditioning of her car. She hadn't seen JC's motorcycle in the garage, and she hoped she would have time to shower and look presentable again before he was done in the studio. 

The elevator doors slid open, and she began the short walk down the hall. She could hear the muted sounds of a guitar. As she got closer to her apartment, the sound grew clearer and the notes became more familiar. She stopped at her front door. The security screen was closed, but the front door was open. The guitar playing continued from inside of her apartment. Suddenly she felt extremely hot. Her heart swelled as she opened the door. She crossed the threshold and walked down the short hall, past the kitchen to the living room, following the sound of the music. She entered the room, and found JC seated on the ottoman pushed against the far wall. Jason's guitar rested on his thigh, and he plucked at the chords. The warm feeling was replaced with a kind of coldness. She had walked this walk and been down this hall before in much the same way, but this time, she was met with the scene she was completely expecting, rather than the scene for which she had been longing for the last six year.

JC caught sight of her out of the corner of his eye, and he immediately stopped playing. He remained seated, but held up his hands like he had been caught doing something bad. 

She tried to hide the disappointment on her face. She cleared her throat as she placed her backpack and purse on the floor and leaned it against the wall under the bar top. "Um, it's okay."  She took two hesitant steps further into the room. "How do you...or, um...what are you playing?" She asked. 

He nodded to the coffee table. Jason's music notebook sat open in front of him. "I hope you don't mind. I kinda was looking at it again. And this piece sort stood out. It's really good. Interesting chord changes."

"I don't mind," she lied. "Play it.  It's been a while since I've heard music coming out of this place," she said, forcing a laugh. 

"You sure?" he asked cautiously. She nodded in the affirmative. "You know this one?" He asked her. And played the opening chords again. She nodded again. "Do I have this right?" He played the beginning again and then into the chord change. He strummed away and looked up at her questioningly. 

"You play it slower, but it sounds like how I remember it," she sat down on the couch watching him. 

He stopped, and started over again, stumbling on his finger placement from time to time, but once he got the hang of chords for the verse, he looked down at the notebook and softly began singing lyrics:

My pain is self-chosen.

At least so the prophet says.

I could either burn,

Or cut off my pride and buy some time. 

A head full of lies as a weight

Tied to my waist. 

He paused momentarily and shifted his fingers on the neck of the guitar and continued. 

The river of deceit flows down.

The only direction we flow is down. 

Again, he paused and changed the placement of his fingers. He continued strumming and looked up at Nicole, who watched him without expression. 

"I feel like something is missing here in the bridge." He stopped and looked back at the notebook. 

"You just play it slower," She repeated softly. "But that's how it goes."

JC stopped. "It feels wrong for it to be more up-tempo than this." He started playing again from the pre chorus. 

The river of deceit flows down. 

The only direction we flow is down. 

He continued into the chord change of the lyric-less bridge, and added:

Down, uh down. 

Down, ooh down. 

Down, uh down.

Down oooh down. 

Nicole closed her eyes and leaned back into the couch. The mix of emotions caused a tightening in her chest, and her head was swimming with a riptide of thoughts. It was crazy to think how a simple song could have such a physical effect on a person. She hoped that closing off at least one sensory input would help her reach equilibrium. She listened as he continued to play into the next verse. 

My pain

Is self-chosen.

At least 

I believe it to be. 

I could either drown 

Or pull off my skin and swim to shore. 

Now I can grow up beautiful, just for all to see. 

The river of deceit flows down.

The only direction we flow is down. 

Down oh down

At a certain point in JC's rendition of the song, with her eyes still closed, Nicole tried to picture this very same moment, but through the lens of seven years prior. Seven years ago, she sat in this same room, on this same couch, and Jason sat on that same ottoman, playing that same guitar, and singing that same song. She tried in her mind to take this present scene and reconstruct it. She tried to replace JC with Jason. It should be easy. Since Jason's death, not a day had not gone by where she hadn't thought about him. Not a day had gone by where she hadn't thought about his face or racked her brain to remember the sound of his voice or the feel of his touch.  But no matter how hard she tried, it was JC's voice in her ears and, when she finally opened her eyes, it was JC who sat on that ottoman.  She could no longer imagine this moment with Jason in it because JC had come in, stealthily, and made it his own. And that was utterly terrifying. 

JC glanced back at Nicole. She was watching him, but her face was serious and dark. Her brow furrowed slightly, and her lips formed a tight line. He stopped the song, shifted on the ottoman, and placed the guitar back into its stand. 

"Hey," he said softly, then got up and sat next to her on the couch. 

She turned, and shifted, pulling one leg up on the couch to face him. A thought bubbled up to the surface. "Josh, I.... um... I think that I..." A thought too scary and abstract to confess even to herself, but it was about to spill from her lips. Terrified at what she was about to confess, she moved in quickly and pressed her lips to his and kissed him deeply. 

Caught off guard, JC sat frozen for a moment before he returned the kiss, then gently pulled away. He smiled at her, blinking, expecting her to finish her thought. When she didn't, he asked with a chuckle, "you were saying something, before you assaulted me with your lips?"

Suddenly feeling very rational, Nicole stood up and walked to the sliding door that led to the balcony. She paused before opening the door and turned to look at him. "I was going to say that while you're here, I could use your help with something in this closet. I need to get this tent off the top shelf, and you're tall." She slid the door open and walked out. 

JC rose from the couch to join her on the balcony. He easily reached up and pulled a box down from the top shelf of the outdoor closet and carried it inside. He set it on the floor near her backpack. He inspected it quizzically.

"You could have done that on your own," he smiled, poking her side teasingly. 

"I know, but I wanted to watch your muscles rippling while you did it,"  she winked at him. "You're such a big, strong, hunky, man," she added. 

He shook his head in response. "What's with the tent, anyway?"

"Oh, I'm driving out to New Mexico next Friday because I'm off that next week." She explained. 

"Teachers get vacation time? And, why New Mexico?" He asked.

"We get a fall break. Like spring break, but in the fall," she laughed. "And Joel's parents live in Santa Fe. It's his dad's 70th, and they are throwing a party, so I'm going to drive out and camp along the way. Put that National Parks pass to good use," she smiled at him.

"Are you going alone?" He asked, concerned.

"Yes, but most of my time will be spent in Santa Fe with Joel and his family. Just getting out there, I will be alone." She tried to reassure him. "And like you said, I make friends everywhere I go, so I'm sure I won't be alone for long." Then she quickly changed the subject. "Are you hungry? I'm hungry. I'm going to take a quick shower and change, then we can go eat." 

Before she could turn and head for the bathroom, he grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him. "I like this look." He raised both hands up and pulled and the loose hair frizzing at her temples. "Sporty spice," he added with a growl. Then kissed her neck and trailed a short series of kisses down to the top of her exposed shoulder. "Salty," he laughed at her, animatedly licking his lips. 

"It was hot on our run today," she laughed and left the room to clean up. 

While JC waited, he resumed his place on the ottoman. He picked up Jason's guitar and strummed a few times. He played different snippets of music and practiced different chord changes. He had skipped out on his studio time that day. The inspiration in Nicole's living room was too strong. And except for a short shopping trip, JC had spent most of his day in Nicole's living room working. Before he was lured away by Jason's notebook, he had been surprisingly productive. He had finally fleshed out, and was satisfied with, a complete verse for the song that had been haunting him for months.

He had written the music to a haunting melody, but lyrics had been a struggle. Usually, it was the other way around. He pulled his phone from his back pocket, opened up the audio recording app, and listened to the verse he had written earlier that day. He listened to it a second time, and then began playing it on the guitar and softly singing the newly written lyrics:

I've been standing in the shadows 

Where every day feels like night

It's like trying to watch the wind blow.

I just need to feel your light.

Your heart's surrounded by a wall you've built there...

Clean, and neatly dressed, Nicole reentered the living room. He spotted her the moment she entered, ended the song promptly with a flourish on the guitar, stood, placed the guitar back in the stand and walked over to her. 

"That one yours?" she asked. 

He suddenly felt very self-conscious. "It's not done, I've been stuck on it for months. Made some good progress today though, just sitting in your living room. Knocked out two songs today," he chuckled.

"Did you go to the studio?" She asked him suddenly. 

"No. When inspiration strikes..." he shrugged.  "So, what's for dinner?"

"The ramen place down the street is amazing." Nicole offered.

He nodded, and they moved toward the door, but he stopped her suddenly. "Oh, I almost forgot." JC reached into his pocket and pulled out the keychain with her house key and garage door fob. 

Strangely disappointed, Nicole took it from him, reentered the living room and placed it in the dish on the bar counter. She happened to glance into the kitchen on her way to rejoin JC at the door, when a shiny silver contraption caught her attention resting on the counter. "What's that?" She asked suddenly. 

"What's what?" JC replied sarcastically, as he watched Nicole make a beeline into the kitchen. 

"This ugly silver thing on my counter, that I'm sure costs way too much money!"

"Huh. Looks like a cappuccino machine," JC answered nonchalantly as he exited her apartment. 

* * *

The next evening, Nicole met Matt and Candace at O'Connell's, a sports bar only a few blocks away from Matt and Candace's home. The Dodgers were facing the Nationals in game three of the National League Championship Series. The three set up at a table in the back corner of the bar. Candace scrolled through her phone and looked up at the TV whenever people in the room cheered. Normally, Matt and Nicole would be up and pacing, but tonight, only Matt was making a nervous circuit of the bar. Nicole sat quietly next to Candace, looking at the game on one of the TV screens, but not actually watching. 

"Nic! Nic!" Matt shouted at her from two tables over. He had stopped to chat with other bar patrons during one of his nervous circuits around the bar. "They just turned two! Nic! This is it. This next one is gonna be a big inning." 

Nicole smiled and gave a silent thumbs up. 

"What's with you?" Candace asked, concerned about Nicole's quiet and passive nature. 

"What? Nothing. Why?" Nicole responded and took a long drink of the beer she had in front of her. 

"You're too quiet and not losing your shit with Matt. Don't they have to win this game?"

Nicole nodded that Candace was correct. 

"I need you to be the woman in Matt's life who cares about sports stuff. Let's stay present, I'm counting on you," Candace joked, but Nicole's silence remained. "For real, Nicole, what's the matter?" Candace pressed her. 

"Nothing. Just you know. Nothing."

"Is it JC, er... Josh?"

Nicole shrugged.

"Didn't you just see him the other day? What did he do?"

"Nothing... It's just..."

"It's just What?" Candace was growing frustrated. "You better not be ruining this." She scolded her as Matt rejoined them at the table. 

"I'm not. It's not. Nothing is ruined," Nicole stammered.

"It's just what?" Candace was like a dog with a bone.

Nicole sighed. "He bought me this coffee machine." 

"What is she on about?" Matt looked at Candace confused. 

"I have no idea; she's upset Josh bought her a coffee machine?" She eyed Nicole sternly. 

"I don't need a coffee machine. I have a coffee maker. Two, actually."

"Return it and take the cash." Matt laughed and raised his beer, gesturing for her to clink glasses with him. He took a quick sip when she failed to comply with his silent request. 

"They're Jay's coffee makers. They are not efficient. It's a fucking stove top percolator and a French press," Nicole explained. 

Matt laughed. "He did like his bitch coffee." 

"Everything is his or has his mark." Nicole looked at Candace and continued. "I make inefficient coffee because it was how he made it. I keep an ugly red armchair in my living room because it was his. I live in a condo we bought together. Everything is him. He died, and my whole world came to a halt. Like someone pressed the pause button on my life. Meanwhile, everyone else gets to keep going.  And I'm... Well, I'm stuck in 2013 waiting for the shit we planned to do to never happen." She looked down at her hands as they nervously folded and unfolded a napkin on the table. 

"Nicole, that's exactly--" Matt started. 

"So help me God, Matthew Derickson, if you say anything like I told you so to her, I will withhold sex from you for at least a month if not longer." Candace snapped at him. She turned back to Nicole, "Go on, honey." 

"I think, I want to get unstuck." She admitted quietly. 

"But?" Candace prompted her. 

"But I can't even make coffee in a new coffee maker!" Her eyes quickly began to well up. She lowered her head and pressed her palms against her eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

Candace looked up at Matt, who stood over both of them and shrugged. She mouthed "Say something to her," but he didn't seem to have the words.

Eventually, he shifted around the table and positioned himself next to Nicole. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his chest and kissed the top of her head. "I don't know about a lot of things, but I know that all Jay ever wanted, was for you to be happy."

After a beat, Nicole pulled away from his embrace. She wiped at her face and looked at Candace and then back at Matt. "Oh god!" she bemoaned. "Am I really that girl crying in a bar right now?"