WEG: New York offices, 11:39 a.m.

I haven’t messed around with playstation in a while.  I have one at my house, but it’s not plugged up.  I use to play all the time a couple years ago.  And on tour it was always something to do on long rides or boring afternoons, well, before this past tour. 

I kind of got excited when I saw it all hooked up and ready to play in here.  I felt like a kid for a moment, and I didn’t care.  I started playing Tiger Woods, but then remembered how much I suck at it, so I put in Madden instead. 

We’re at Johnny’s office, sitting in one of the lounge rooms, just us.  He’s lying on the couch, and I’m sitting here against the coffee table with a controller in my lap trying my damndest to get the Titans to score big against the Patriots.  I keep hearing him sigh and clear his throat, a nervous habit of his, and I wish he’d chill out.  She’s in the other room with Courtney and Johnny.  She’s gonna be fine and he knows that.

When Justin’s going to worry about something, it’s hard to get him to not worry about it or to sway his mind from those thoughts, even if it’s as simple as what we’re going to get for dinner.  He’s been that way for as long as I can remember.

They’ve been back from vacation for almost two days now, and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on in his mind, but he’s so guarded with it. We called them about Angie four days ago.  The day after they spent packing up and enjoying the beach, and each other I’m sure, and then flew back that evening. 

We met them at the airport.  They both looked tired, but alert—relaxed, yet tense. I think they were both happy to be back in society but both a little scared of what was about to happen. Courtney and I were relieved they were back.  It had been like waiting around in a doctor’s office, or something equally as anxious and boring, waiting on them to get back.  They were back in our presence a little more than 24 hours after we had called them, but still, it was such a  pain having to wait.  I wanted to get this process started, if not for Justin and Mere’s sanity, but for Courtney’s.

Whatever I thought before—hell, I think whatever she thought before—has changed.  She does care about Meredith, and I think if anything this proves that Courtney’s not the bad guy here.  She never was.  And Justin knows it, too.  I don’t know if he’s going to have a heart to heart with me about it.  In a way, I do want that just for the satisfaction of seeing him grovel. 

I know. I’m a shit head.  But at the same time I know it’ll be awkward as hell if he does start apologizing. 

When we picked them up at the airport with Tiny and Teddy there, I shook Justin’s hand and gave Meredith a hug.  The girl would barely let Courtney go so that I could welcome her back.  It was like everything was forgotten and forgiven.  There they were tanned, smiling, Meredith gossiping and squealing to Court like they were old friends, Justin silently readjusting his hat.  Courtney just smiled at her and let her ramble on and on.

Justin wasn’t nearly as talkative as Meredith.  He was in one of his reserved, quiet moods.  But he did say hi to her, asked her how she was doing. 

Yeah, he actually spoke to Courtney.

It sucks that it took something like this to open his eyes and make him realize all the shit he’s caused this summer was for nothing.  But I can’t hold it against him anymore.  We’re all moving on, all trying our hardest to just get over it.  The tour’s done.  I’m concentrating on the clothing line. Courtney’s going to talk to Meredith about her job situation.  We’re all moving forward.

And even though it’s been stressful and awkward, the past couple days have actually been pleasant.

He sighs again, and when I look over my shoulder, he’s laying on the couch, holding a pillow to his chest, just staring at the ceiling.  I almost laugh at him, but I don’t.  He’s worried for her; he’s fucking in love with her harder and more intense and more real than I’ve seen with anyone.  I don’t want to compare our situations, but I almost wonder if I was ever that in love with Elisha.  I don’t think I was. 

It’s a dangerous place to be, that far out of control and into someone else.  So far I think he can handle it—or more importantly, Meredith can handle him.  God, I hope so for everyone’s sake.

“She’s with Johnny,” I say. “Just chill out.”

“I know.”

I laugh at him and turn back to the TV, knowing he won’t be offended when I say, “You’re so fucking whipped, it’s sick.”

It’s quiet for about 30 seconds, just the sound of the TV which I have down low.  I concentrate on the screen and work to find my wide receiver and start to press the button to throw. 

Shit.  I get sacked.

Third down and 25? Fuck.

“I gave her the diamond.”

I blink.

Everything about me pauses and I slowly turn around to stare at him and see if he’s joking.  But I know he wouldn’t joke about that.  He’s still just staring at the ceiling.

“Why didn’t you tell me this shit!” I say to him, dropping the controller.  “What’d she say?”

He slowly starts to smile and then laughs, rubs his hand over his face and finally looks at me, “I think I shocked us both.  I mean we’re not engaged or anything, yet. But, ya know, we’re really happy.”

“I can tell.”

And I can, despite the worry and the tense air around all of us, they—well, it’s hard to explain, and it’s also a little hard to be on the outside of.  Like, I really am so fucking happy for him, and I know no one will ever take my place.  Me and Justin have way too much history.  We’ll always be friends.

I think I’ve finally realized that, especially in the past few weeks.  As gay as it was and even though I’ve had Courtney hanging around, and even though I’ve been with other friends, I still fucking missed him.

But I get it.  Meredith is his best friend now, a different kind of best friend, but it’s just hard knowing that there’s someone else that he cares about as much or even more so than me.  God, I sound like faggot.   I’m happy for him.  Shit, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just weird.  It’s like he’s finally all fucking grown up.  It’s not about us and being crazy and hooking up with girls, or even taking our girls out together, or planning romantic shit together for our girls.  It’s a single thing.  He does his shit for Mere, and if he feels like telling me, he will.  If not, he won’t.

It’s not a bad thing.  I guess we just both don’t have to hold each others hand and help each other out when we’re dating anymore.  I was always telling him shit to do for Britney, and he was always giving me pointers and ideas for Elisha.

I guess now everything’s more personal.

Or maybe we just both realize that we can do this on our own now.

“Shit man, you have no idea.”  He stretches for a moment and pushes himself up so he’s sitting on the couch.  “Someday you gotta take a girl to that place.  It really was fucking paradise.”

“You think you might be calm enough to play?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.”  I shrug and grab the other wireless controller and reach to hand it to him over the coffee table.

“It’s cool.”  I turn back to the game and fumble with the options so I can set it up to two player.  “I’m glad you’re doing ok.  I’m glad you haven’t called the mob on her yet.”  I gnaw on my bottom lip, not looking at him but wondering if it was a smart thing to bring up Angie McCrawley.

“Fucking shady ass bitch man,” he grumbles.

“Breathe,” I say, staring at the screen as Justin picks his options and team.  “She’s gonna be with Johnny now.  They’ll take care of her.  You’ll be fine.”

“I know.”

He doesn’t sound too sure, but I know it’s nothing to do with her or Johnny.  He’s just shook up about this happening to her.  I would be, too.  I mean, if I had a girlfriend I’d be shook up if someone was betraying her and stuff.

I mean, I am shook up that Courtney, in a way, was betrayed by Angie, but well, she’s not my girlfriend.

Yeah, Courtney and I aren’t dating. It’s complicated and weird.  Maybe we are.  But we haven’t hooked up.  We’ll like hug and hold hands and we hang out all the time, not every day, but several times a week.  But we haven’t hooked up and we’ve only kissed, like really kissed twice since she came to my house.  We flirt constantly and I don’t know why we haven’t taken it further.  I know it’s not me, but it’s not really her either.  I can tell she wants it. I just don’t know why we both don’t go for it.

Maybe we’re trying to make sure that we really are friends first, that we really do like each other.

I know I like her, despite all the fuck ups and the drama and everything that’s happened. God, I love this girl.  It’s just a weird thing.

It’s not bad at all. I’m not complaining.  We’re both happy, really happy.  It’s just difficult to describe and difficult to understand.

“I need to talk to you about something,” I say after a while of Justin kicking my ass on the game.

“Shit.” I hear him drop his controller and he says in a concerned tone, “Look this summer…”

“Justin, it’s not about that.” I shake my head and turn on the floor after pausing the game so that I can really look at him and talk to him and see his reaction to what I’m about to tell him.

“Oh…”  His eyebrows wrinkle, as if I just confused the hell out of him, as if he has been itching and waiting for me to bring up all the bull shit from this summer.

“I’ve been talking to Rachel,” I say. “I know you haven’t really had time to think about it, but you only have two weeks until you’re doing more press.”

“And you aren’t going to be there,” he finishes for me, not looking me in the eyes.

“I will until the album promo stops.  But I think you should let Rachel come and help.  I think she should take over for you.”

“Shit,” he says, and I don’t know if it’s a disappointed ‘shit’, or a thoughtful ‘shit’ as if he’s thinking it over.  He rubs his hand over his hair that’s grown out and his beard he’s yet to shave.  Johnny told him he looked like a cave man when he saw him this morning.  Meredith giggled for a good five minutes about it, mumbling about him doing Geico commercials. 

He’ll have it shaved by tomorrow morning, no doubt. 

“Ya know I’ve been looking to get her in somewhere, but do you think she could handle this,” He laughs.  “You think she could handle me?”

“We know you’ve got trust issues, so it’s either her or your mom.”  I laugh and he rolls his eyes and then widens them.

“Hell no.  God, she’d kill me,” he says, talking about his mom.  It’s funny, Justin and his mom are so close, but they get on each other’s nerves like brother and sister.  Back when she toured with him when we were teenagers, it was awesome ‘cause she was there to do laundry and stuff for him.  Most of the time they would be cool and the perfect best friends/mother-son thing, but sometimes their fights would be horrible.

And now with Justin on his own, she’d probably mother him a little too much on the road, and while he likes a little bit of mothering—probably why he likes Meredith so much—he doesn’t want it all the time.

“It’ll be fun for Rachel. By next year you will be back on tour and touring is a lot easier than promo.  I think she’ll love it.”

He nods and I can tell he’s thinking hard. “Maybe…”

“Come on.  It’ll be a blast.  I think, well, I think it will be good for me and you, too.”

“God, do we need counseling or something?”  He laughs, covering up his face with his hands like he’s tired.  I know what he means.  I think the whole thing about what’s happened here with us over this summer is that while it’s been strange and awkward, what’s made it worse is the awkwardness of realizing it’s awkward and then having to talk about it. 

But I’m right.  Having a break, not being around each other all the time, it’ll be good.  I need a break from being around him everyday and I think he needs a break from me, too.  Hell, when I saw him in the airport the other day I felt closer to him than I did all tour.  I was glad to see my best friend, not dreading him like I often would be in the hallways and in hotels.

Space may be exactly what we both need.

“Meredith mentioned something about going out to eat with Megan tonight, right? ‘Cause I’ve got a meeting for the line.”

“Oh ok,” his voice sounds dejected.  I would laugh at him, but I just know how Justin hates so much to be alone, especially when everyone else is out doing things.

That’s not why I’m telling him this, though.  I stare at the carpet and then shrug.  “You think you’d want to come with me?”

He just stares at me and I laugh a little. “You said that last day on tour that you wanted to help me.  I know I brushed you off, but…shit man, you’ve seen the sketches.  I showed you that product last night.  Maybe it would be good for the line, for me, to have you a part of it somehow.”

“Whoring me out for your own success?  Nice.”  He laughs, but I know in that joke he’s saying, ‘sure, I’d love to help you out.  I want to help you out.’

“I figured you were a big enough slut to handle it.”

He smirks and then nods, “I could do that.  Maybe we could hang out a little bit afterwards? I mean I know we’re hanging out now, but I don’t know.  We could go to a bar or something.  No girls.”

“Really now?”  I say a little shocked.  God, we haven’t been to a bar in ages.  We didn’t even go out when we were back in Memphis this summer.  Plus, him and his girl have been attached to the hip ever since they’ve gotten off the plane.  They’re always right beside each other, holding hands or something.  I’m surprised he would want to do something without her around.

“Shit man, I think she needs a break from me!  We just spent almost three weeks, just us.  Together.  No one else.  No moment alone.  Plus, you know how she gets with Megan.  She’ll probably call me up at midnight telling me to get a sleeping bag and bring it to Megan’s ‘cause they’re having a sleep over with a theme or some shit.”

I laugh and go over and cut the game off since it doesn’t seem like we’re going to be playing anymore. “She’s good for you.  She keeps you from being too full of yourself.”

He ignores my critical compliment and nods at me.  “How’s your lady?”

It shocks me for a moment, and I don’t know what he’s talking about, “Lady?”

“Courtney?”

It kind of freaks me out ‘cause well, it wasn’t forced. Before when Justin would ask me about it, it was so fucking forced and sounded like he hated talking about her.  He said that almost as casually as someone would say “what’s up?”

“She’s a lady now?” I can’t help but let it come out and as soon as it does I hate it and want to take it back.  Hell, he’s fucking trying here. I know that.  I quickly say before he can respond, “I know. I know. I’m sorry.  We’re…”  I shake my head. “…weird.”

“Already knew that.”

Fucker.  “No like, shit man, we’ve like made up or whatever, but we haven’t slept together, yet.  And we’ll flirt every damn second, but I don’t know, neither of us takes it any further.  We’ll hold hands and gay ass middle school shit, but like we’ve kissed twice since it’s happened and each time one of us we’ll get all weird and pull away.”

“Ya know I was right about her.”  He narrows his eyes, but he’s smiling.  “I knew she was leaking stuff.”

“Fuck off…”  I roll my eyes.  I know he’s attempting to joke and make light of it all, but I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just not ready, yet.

“I was an idiot!”  He exclaims.  “But a correct idiot to an extent.”

“You both just had issues.  Hell, we all did on tour, even before the tour.  Whatever.”

He laughs and shakes his head at me, “Is it sad to say that Meredith is the sanest one out of the four of us?”

“A little bit.”  I laugh.  He’s so right.

It’s as if he summoned her by mentioning her name, because in that moment she walks in through the door with Courtney following her.  Through the opened doorway I can see Johnny shaking hands with some of the people there in business suits.  I know some of them.  A couple them are on Justin’s legal team.  Meredith turns and waves back to them thanking them with a bubbly attitude.  Courtney shuts the door behind her and Meredith turns, groans and flops on the couch beside Justin.

“My hand hurts.” She pouts, leaning against him and shaking her hand limply.

“Why?”  He asks her.  I look up at Courtney and she just smiles as if me and her are in on some secret.  We’re not, but still, it’s sexy as hell when she smiles at me like that.

Fucking fantastic.  Really.  Like it’s just so simple with us now, even though it’s weird as hell. 

“I had to sign a million things that I didn’t understand.”

“Johnny’s thorough,” I say, turning to look at them.

“He’s amazing,” Meredith replies, smiling.  “The lawyers would say things in all these big words, and he would be like “that means this.” And I was like ‘ohhh ok’. Light bulb over my head!” She looks up at Courtney.  “Do you got everything?”

“Right here,” she says and I notice she’s got a binder in her hands.  She brings it up and holds it close to her chest.

“So, where should we go for lunch? I’m about to eat my hand.”

Justin says in a low voice that’s meant just for her, but we can all hear it, “Don’t do that!  Then you’d have to get a hook for a hand.”

“Arrrrghhh.”  She says back to him, nudging him.  Justin playfully does some weird face to her and they both start laughing about something.  I ignore them and push myself up off the floor.  I stand close to Courtney, and she smells so fucking good.  I almost said something to her this morning when we met up in my hotel room about how sexy she was and smelled and looked and everything.  Yeah, maybe that’s why we haven’t slept together yet; we have separate hotel rooms.

God, who’s idea was that?

I almost put my hand on Courtney’s back and ask her how it went.  Justin and Mere are busy molesting each other and it gives me a moment to flirt with Courtney a little bit.  But before my hand can touch her, Mere sits up on the couch and says animatedly, looking between me and Justin,   “Oh! Guess what?”

“What?”  Justin says, just smirking at her.

Courtney’s laughing, as if she knows what Mere is about to say, and I just listen to her laugh and smile.

“Well,” she says as if she’s about to tell us the biggest load of gossip.  “According to Mr. McSellers, via translation from Johnny, Angie’s ass is gonna be burning for a while!  When they got my contract from my old management company and talked to Sony about it, apparently she broke a bazillion trillion rules that I didn’t even know we’re in there or that existed!”

“Really now,” I say.  She nods and looks at me, then at Justin who’s just staring at her, smiling at little bit, but his eyebrows are bunched, as if he’s taking in every word she’s saying carefully.  I know I would too if my girlfriend was rambling about the legal proceedings that were surrounding her career.

“Yeah, like apparently all this crap she used to make me do, like interviews and photo shoots that I was iffy about…well, Sony has a clause in my thingy that if I have any doubts about the stuff I’m doing that has not being enforced by them or some shit, that I don’t have to do it.  Angie use to lie all the time!  Apparently she wasn’t supposed to do anything that either I or Sony hadn’t consented to.  So like 75% of the shit I was doing I didn’t have to.  So, her ass is gonna be grass!  Like Sony is so pissed!  Especially cause a lot of the bad press, even though it might have helped drive album sales, it also made them have to deal with crap that was time consuming and was really a bigger hassle for everyone!”

“Take a breath,” Courtney says.

“Sorry.  Did I ramble?”  Meredith giggles and smacks her face with her hand, leaning back to relax in a slouch.

“A little.”  Justin nods.

I chime in, hoping that we can either cut this conversation short or continue it somewhere else.  Meredith’s not the only one that’s hungry.

“We should go to Lyric,” I suggest.

“Ooo yes!”

Meredith and Justin start talking about how much they love Lyric’s food and debate on what they are going to order.  When they stand up and I can tell they are about to go find Johnny, ask him if they need anything else today and then go get Teddy and Tiny and leave.  We left them earlier with one of Johnny’s assistants, Sonya, who they both think is so hot. I’m sure Justin and I are gonna bust their balls about it later.

I turn to Courtney and finally get to put my hand on her back. “You ok?’ Even through her shirt I can feel how warm her skin is.  It makes me shiver.

“Yeah,” she sighs and her shoulders relax.  “That was just intense as hell.”

“Did they get your statement?”

“Yeah.  They are serving her with the papers right now.  So I went ahead and blocked her number from both our phones, because the last thing Meredith needs right now is a psycho bitch going after her.  Changing hotels was a good idea, too.  She can’t find us.”

That was Courtney’s idea.   We booked Mere and Justin a hotel room along with ourselves the other night when we called and told them.  Courtney said she just wouldn’t feel right staying in a room that Angie had paid for, so we switched hotels.

Now I see that maybe Courtney is scared of Angie.  And I wonder if she has a reason to be.

“Shit, is it that much of a worry?” I ask.

“No not really,” she shrugs.  Courtney spent a lot of time with the lawyers this morning while Johnny was talking with Meredith on her own.  Justin was in there for a little bit, but then Johnny kicked him out, and since I had nothing to do with Meredith’s career or Angie, I just hung out here.  Now I’m wondering what the lawyers talked to Courtney about, “but hell Trace, we’re pretty sure now that she sent those paparazzi to her house.”

Fucking shit…

A thought crosses my mind and I widen my eyes. “Philly?”

Before I can say anything more and ask her if Angie was slime enough to send that fucking psychopath to Meredith’s room, Courtney reassures me. “No.  No.  I was worried about that, too.  But thankfully she’s not that sick.  The lawyers that are handling the case with him said he’s pleading guilty and will probably go to jail for a while, maybe institutionalized or something.”

“Shit Courtney.”  I rub my hands over my hair that’s starting to grow out.  I might shave it again. 

She laughs a little bit, “I’m going to need a drink.”

Justin laughs loudly and it forces me to glance at them for a moment.  He and Meredith are crouched together looking at something on her phone.  I kind of forgot they were here.

I wish I could go get a drink with her, but I asked Justin to help me out, and then we’re going to a bar.  “I asked Justin to hang out this afternoon.”

“Stop it.”  She waves her hand and smiles. “Don’t worry about me.  I’m fine on my own.  I’m actually kind of tired.  All of this is starting to take a toll on me, and I might go rest in the hotel or go to the spa there or something.  I might actually waste some of my money on something, Trace!”

I watch her mouth move and when she stops speaking I can’t help myself.  I don’t care and I don’t look to see if Mere and Justin are paying attention to us.  I lean in and kiss her.  Her lips are soft and I feel her gasp almost inaudibly when my mouth touches hers.  I press more firmly against her and cup her arms in my hands and squeeze her before pulling away.  I want more.  God, I want so much more of her.  I want all of her. 

But still, I’m just smiling.

“What was that for?”

I shrug and smirk at her, “I don’t know.”

I really don’t know.  I guess I’m just ready for this.  Maybe it’s time for me to step it up.  It’s been weeks and we’ve been so good.  I think it’s time for us to move on, to stop being silly and cautious and fucking fall for each other again.  God, I never got up from her.  I never got over her, even when she freaked out at the end of tour.  My mind was with her every second.

She fucking makes me happy.  She shows me I can be happy with myself, and I hope I show the same to her.

I used to think me and Courtney were so different, too different.  We weren’t the perfect couple—Meredith and Justin were.

But I was wrong.  We are perfect. 

I’m not a super religious guy, but I guess somewhere in me understands that this is fate.  Whether it works out in the end or not, it was fate.  There’s a purpose here and damn does that make me smile.

And now, now she’s smiling and I hear a, “Come on you two!  I’m seriously starving!”  I grab her hand and walk towards the door, tugging her along with me.  I don’t know what’s going on and I don’t care.  For the first time, in a long, long time, I’m actually fucking happy.

And so is she.

Everything with everyone was fucked up for a while, but now it’s settling.  It’s not perfect, but it’s ok.  And that’s all I’ve ever really wanted, to be ok with a good girl and great friends.

And I got that.

Damn, I actually got that.