Chapter 47

By the Pool, 4:59 p.m.

Today is completely over cast.  Still, she’s out here in a bikini, in a pool chair, reading with a glass of white wine beside her.  I want to hang out inside or go walk on the beach, but she just wants to lay here and read this book.  And I’m, well, kind of bored.  I walk closer and sit on the edge of the chair beside her and just stare at her.  She’s so indifferent to me right now, her eyes scanning over the page, her mouth slightly forming the words as she reads.  It’s cute.  She’s cute.  But I’m fucking bored.

I sigh and scratch the back of my neck.  I stare at her and reach across the space between us, seeing if she’ll notice me.  I hook my finger into the loop of her bikini bottom, right where they tie and I tug.  She smacks my hand and keeps reading.

Dammit…

I guess I could go see if something’s on the TV even though I know it won’t be.  It’s late August, no football yet, no basketball.  There might be a baseball game on, but I don’t keep up with it like I should.  And watching golf well, I mean I like it…but I want to do something.  I feel like a five year old on a road trip. Nothing entertains me.

But her. 

I sigh and lay back on the chair, figuring I’ll get comfortable and try to nap out here.  I cross my fingers and rest my hands over my stomach and close my eyes and breathe deep. 

Unfortunately I’m not that tired, and even with my eyes closed I can picture her perfectly, every single inch.  That bikini really does look so good on her.  The top is all tight against her breasts and dips low against her hips, just a few inches above her…

I suck in a breath and bite on my bottom lip, my eyes still closed, thinking about her body.  Maybe she’d want to swim with me.  Or maybe we could take a bath and I could hold her.  She could still read.  We don’t have to have sex.  I just, well, I kind of want to feel up on her all naked. 

I turn my head and look at her.  Shit, she’s really got nice tits, and the top is tiny, so the bottom of it is kind of a half an inch from where her tits stick out.  It’s sexy, seeing that little bit of plump flesh. She flips a page and one kind of flexes.  But her tits, god, they’re so soft.  I bite my lip.

I put my arms up in a stretch and lean to the left, letting my hand go behind her head a little bit so I can massage her neck.  

I smirk and start to tug on the strings against her neck.  She doesn’t notice at first and I feel one of the loops loosen as I pull.

But then she does notice and she jumps and glares at me, smacking the book down on her chair.  “Justin, I’m serious.  Stop it.”

“You like it.”  I smirk, leaning over and moving my hand from her shoulder down over her chest, my fingers in between her cleavage. 

She pushes my hand away again, stands up, glares, grabs the towel that was under her and says, “leave me alone,” before juggling her other things and trotting over to the other end of the pool where there’s a lawn chair by itself.  She curls up in it, draping the towel over her.  She huffs and rolls her eyes at me before opening her book again.

“Geez, fine…”  I say and raise my hands up in defense before smacking them down against my thighs.  I get up and walk towards the house, rolling my eyes at her as she rolls her eyes at me when I pass her.  Damn, she must be getting her period.  Or must be getting tired of me or something.  Maybe she’s ready to go home.  We do only have a couple more days.

And I guess I am being totally unfair to her.

I have been kind of annoying today.  I mean, we’ve been together almost every moment since we got here.  Yesterday I wanted to be by myself a little bit and she didn’t complain and didn’t annoy me.  She laid out in the sand while I surfed.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around her.  I just wanted to hang out by myself a little.  It’s been a little intense and heavy with us, especially since I gave her that diamond.

I’ll find myself just glancing at her all the time or she’ll just stare at me with this look, this so-in-love, but questioning look, as if she can’t believe that I really gave her that. After I gave her that, sometimes we’d be talking and she’d lean forward and kiss me so passionately and then pull back and apologize. Or sometimes when she’s just getting something from the fridge I’ll find myself latched on to her, holding her so tight until she says, “Justin?” and I have to stop and bring myself back to reality.

I just needed to step away from her for a few hours yesterday and gather my thoughts, ya know?  So I did. And she never once questioned it or acted hurt.  She smiled and said, “Cool, I wanna get started on this book anyway.”

It was a good day, surfing and every now and then seeing her just laying there on the sand, paying no mind to me.  We had both been outside for a while, I surfed for hours and hours that day.  She was lying out in the sand, ignoring me and I concentrated on my board and the waves.  Finally, I got out and laid on the sand a little ways away from her.  I didn’t even have my towel.  I just laid under this palm tree and closed my eyes.  I was tired but calm, invigorated but exhausted.  It was exactly what I needed to calm me down, cool me off, and settle my mind.

And then I heard her calling my name all worried, panicked.   I sat up and looked towards her.  I had to squint to see her, standing there several hundred feet from me.  I saw her standing on the edge of the shore, looking around, calling my name out into the ocean.

Then she started screaming my name.

I scrambled off where I was in the sand and called out to her.  She looked towards me and put one hand to her chest and the other to her forehead, and I could see her sigh from that distance.  I guess she didn’t see me get out and she thought maybe I had drowned.  I ran up all covered and sticky with sand and held her and she just held back, mumbling weakly, “I didn’t see you.”

We went inside after that.  We showered and laid out on the porch together.  It was quiet, we didn’t talk.  She kept reading and I brought out my guitar and worked on some melodies.  It was nice, being together without really doing anything together.

And I guess it’s unfair that after spending hours by myself yesterday I can’t seem to give her space today.

So I plop down on the couch and look around.  I need to give her her time.   

I’m just so fucking bored.

I sit here for awhile, not even thinking about anything, just sitting, staring off into space.  I sigh and grab the remote.  I guess I’ll have to watch something.  Maybe I’ll fall asleep and when I wake up, she’ll come in and be ready to hang out again.

It sucks too that I’m half horny.  I know I just need to deal with it and get over it with as much sex as I’ve been having lately.  I have no fucking reason to complain.  She just looks too good sometimes.  I just can’t help myself.

I roll my eyes and start to flip through the channels.  This is going to fucking suck.  I don’t want to sit here bored by crap TV.  Ugh.

I flip five channels and roll my eyes when all that seems to be on are stupid court room shows.

The phone rings.

I stop.  I turn the TV off and put the remote down.  I crane my head to the kitchen to stare at it.  That phone has never ringed.  We’ve used it to call in dinner orders and request stuff from the staff here, but they’ve never called us. 

I push myself up and quickly shuffle over to the phone and pick it up, completely baffled.  “Uh, hello?”

“Hey, is Meredith there?” 

I pause.

It’s Trace. 

What the fuck?  He wants Meredith?

“Whoa, Trace,” I say.  I didn’t expect to hear from him.  I told him to call only in….in…shit, in an emergency.  “Um…hi.”

“Hey, we need you and Meredith both on the phone.  Actually we just need Meredith, but I know that you’ll butt in anyway.”

“Um….”  I swallow the lump in my throat and lean against the wall.  “We? What…”  My mind stops all thought and I have to shake my head to get it working again.  “Trace you need to back up about five steps and talk to me instead of rambling.”

“I’ll explain as soon as you get Meredith on the phone, ok?”

“Is everything ok?”  I say panicked.  “No one is like…sick or –“

“No, no…”  He says and I sigh.  “Just go get her.”  I tell him to hold on and I jog to the deck and call out her name.

“Mere….” She doesn’t answer and I walk further out to where I can see the edge of the pool.  “Mere!”  I yell.

“What!”  She yells back at me and puts her book down.

“You need to come inside,” I say sternly.  “Trace is on the phone.”

“Is everything ok?” She calls out, leaving everything out on her chair, even her towel, and quickly walking over to me.  She looks worried and there is panic in her voice.

“I think so,” I shrug.  “But he wants to talk to you.”  I follow her as she quickly marches back into the kitchen and picks up the phone.

“Trace?”  She asks and I lean against the counter and stare at her. 

“Put it on speaker,” I say. She nods and presses a button on the base of the phone and puts the phone back on it.

“Hey, I’m with Courtney,” Trace says over the line.

“Is everything ok?”  I ask, seeing Mere just standing there staring at the phone, not blinking.

“Sorta…”  Trace says then laughs a little.  “Not really.”

“Oh my god…”  Meredith says.  And I walk over to her and touch her shoulder.  I don’t know what else to do.  I don’t know what they are going to say.  If someone in Mere’s family is hurt…shit…what are we going to do?  Breathe Justin. 

“I’ll let Courtney explain.”

“Court?”  Mere says and the way she says it is heart-wrenching, and I put my other hand on her other shoulder, bracing her for whatever they are about to say.  He said it wasn’t bad, I mean, not really bad…I guess. Right?

“I had my meeting with Angie today,” Courtney says. 

“Oh….”

It’s quiet over the line after that and Mere’s shoulders are still tense under my hands, but I can see the air thinning.  So it’s not her family.  Good.  But then they don’t say anything and I have to call out, “guys?” to get them to speak up.

“And I don’t know how the fuck to say this Meredith, but just to say it,”  Courtney says in a big breath.  I don’t know what is about to happen and I can’t say that I’m not mad at hearing her voice right now.  I’m furious.  I don’t know what she’s going to say and if she ruins my vacation with Meredith, fuck, I don’t know what I’ll do.  I’ve tired, I’ve said so many times to Mere on this trip that I really am going to try, and that if Courtney stays her assistant I’ll be as nice as I can to her.

But right now I can’t think.  All I know is Mere is tense, something’s happened and Courtney’s voice is trembling as she speaks over the line. 

Finally, after way too long, she says quickly, rambling and fast, “Angie’s the one that’s been leaking stuff to the press.  She’s the one that coaxed Leah into selling those pictures.  She offered me money to find out where you guys were staying.”

Everything stops.  Meredith’s shoulders stay tense and I feel my hands squeeze them.  I have to pull back from her so I don’t hold her too tight, and I lean against the counter, stare off into space and cross my hands over my chest.  No one says anything and I can’t stand it. 

Are…are they serious?  No, no….Angie might be a little tightly wound but she wouldn’t do that.  She’s been with Meredith for years, before she got big.  Courtney must be lying or, or stupid or…

But why would she do that?  And Trace is there.  If Trace is there…

“Are you telling me,” I say slowly.  “That Meredith’s manager has been the one…”

“I was fucking floored when I found out,” Courtney says and in her voice, for some reason, I can believe it.  She seems shocked, aggravated and the worry in her voice is so prominent that it would be impossible for her to feign it.  Still, I don’t know what to think.  “But I told her I’d get the info for her, so she wouldn’t be tipped off.  Trace flew to New York and we called you guys.  I’m fucking freaked out.”

I stare at Meredith and she’s just staring at the phone, not blinking.  I still don’t understand it and Meredith is paralyzed. 

“I called Johnny to keep him on hold because I didn’t know if he could be of any use.  I’m not sure if Mere’s lawyers have connections with Angie, so I didn’t know if she would need some help,” Trace says. 

“And I feel fucking horrible, Meredith,” Courtney says.  She almost sounds like she’s crying, but I don’t care.  I just stare at Meredith as she stares at the phone.  “This whole summer she asked me to keep tabs on you for your benefit and I did.  I didn’t think it was anything bad, but I guess every fucking time I told her anything that you were doing, even when it was just me running my stupid mouth, she took that shit and sold it.  She claims it helps you out, brings in more money and publicity.”

“Yeah, it’s such bull shit.”  Trace says, laughing bitterly.  “I mean I know people leak shit all the time to help people get their name out there, but usually the fucking person knows about it.  Usually it’s not this thing behind their back.”

“I just feel so bad because I had no fucking idea and if I did I would have never said anything to her.  I thought I was doing my job and now it makes sense why every damn thing that happened on tour did get out.  It was me!  I just had no fucking clue that I was doing it.  And I feel fucking horrible!”

"You did a good job.  You did a great job today, Court,” Trace says.

I stare at my girl.  I can only stare at my girl and listen to them.  I move my eyes down to where her arms are hanging by her sides.  Her fingers are shaking. 

Shit Meredith…

I slide closer to her and try to grab her hand and give her a hug or something.  This….this is…this is heavy.  I mean fuck, I can’t say I’m not relieved that no one’s sick or hurt….but fuck me.  It doesn’t make sense.  I only half understand it.  Maybe they are mistaken.

But…but…

Angie?  This whole fucking time?

I shake my head and whisper, “Mere…” and grab at her hands.

She jerks away from me and walks silently out of the kitchen, through the den and out onto the deck.   I stare after her.

I just stare at her and my heart breaks for her as she falls down into one of the chairs on the deck.

“Guys?”  I hear over the phone.

“You uh,” I say, sighing heavily.  “You’re gonna have to give us a minute.  Meredith just walked out of the room.”

“Justin…”  I hear Courtney address me and I pause and stare at the phone.  “I’m really sorry if this has upset your vacation.  I just, I wanted to let you guys know as soon as possible.  I didn’t want her running off to Meredith with some story.  I knew if I told her off in her office or anything she would immediately retaliate somehow.  I didn’t know how much Meredith trusted me over her, and I just didn’t want her getting used or hurt more than she was.”

I take a deep breath and say as calmly into the phone as I can, as honestly as I can, because honestly, even though my reaction is to fly back to New York and rip Angie fucking McCrawley a new asshole right now, I am thankful to Trace…and to Courtney.

“No, I understand.  Thanks Courtney, I’m…”  I check myself and say softly, “I am very glad you called and told us this.  Just, just right now I think I gotta calm down and…”

“Go take care of your girl,” Trace says.

I nod to myself and try to force myself into rational mode, in the mode that I slip into when shit needs to get done.  “Keep Johnny on call.  Go ahead and tell him what you guys know.  Tell him to expect a call from me in an hour or thereabouts.”

“We’ll get this fixed, man.”

“Yeah…” I say, and I pick up the receiver of the phone and let it fall back into place, ending the phone call.

Fuck.

I try to calm my own anger so that I can try to comfort my girl.  But nothing works.  Everything is just crashing back into me. Every fucking bit of it. All the fights from this summer about shit about us in the media, all the times I've over reacted, all the times I've held my tongue.  All the fucking times she’s cried over that shit with her and Leah.  It’s all so clear now and it pisses me off.  I can’t get the image of her completely broken down on the sofa in the studio out of my head.  She was so lost then.  She just sat there and broke down on me, fucking sobbed her eyes out in front of a stranger.  I barely even knew her then and she was so scared and so lost and just wanting someone to make it go away.  I tried my best to make her feel better.

And that was when I knew nothing about her.  Now I fucking know everything about her, and I know that she’s a strong girl, I know she can do anything and I have more faith in her than I do myself.  But this is the second time in a year that someone she believed and trusted in turned around and completely broke her down, lied, and ruined any faith she had in them. I just hope I can remember what I did last time, cause dammit, I don’t want to see her like that again.

I walk out onto the deck and look at her.  She’s just sitting there, curled up, her arms around her legs, her mouth pressed into her knees, her nose resting on the top of one of them.  Tears, fucking tears are just streaming silently out of her eyes as she stares off out into space. 

I sigh and move closer to her.  I hate this and I hate what that bitch has done to her.

I situate myself so I’m straddling the chair behind her and lean forward a bit and I wrap my arms completely around her.

She lets out a soft sob when I touch her and sniffs as I hold her and press my head into her bare shoulder.     

“It’s ok,” I whisper.  I feel lame and insignificant and wish I could say the perfect thing and make it all be ok.

She's silent for a few moments and then wipes her nose against her arm and says harshly, “I feel like one big joke.”

I look around for a moment and see a towel draped across the deck chair beside us.  It must have been left from where she was out here eating lunch today.  I reach down, grab it and I hand it to her so she can wipe her face with it.  As she does, I think about what she just said, about being a joke and I laugh a little and shake my head at myself, thinking about what’s just happened, about what we both know now.

“So do I…”

She pulls the towel down and turns to look at me over her shoulder, “What?”

I loosen my hold around her a little bit and say calmly, trying to keep my voice even,  “All summer I fucking blamed an innocent person when it was that fucking bitch the whole time.”

“But you were right,” she says, still turned to me.  She smiles for a moment and shrugs

“Huh?”

“She was leaking stuff…”  She shakes her head and wipes at her eyes with her fingers.  “Court was, she just had no idea.”  She then shakes her head again and leans back against me, relaxing into me so I can lean back against the chair.  But she's crying still.  “Fucking hell, Justin!  I had no idea!  I knew when Leah did that shit it was not right.  I knew it wasn’t like her.  But, but....Angie?”  She looks at me so lost and desperate.  "I...I just..."  She shakes her head and says dejectedly. “I should have known.

“How could you?”

“Angie’s always been strange, always worried about press and about money and the spotlight.  I thought she just cared about my career and me being successful and reaching my dreams.” She turns and curls up into me more.  I keep holding her. “I should have known.”

I rub her back and say to her, “You trusted her.  She was with you from the beginning, Meredith. She helped manage your career from the time you started getting popular.  You had no reason not to trust her.”

“Maybe she’s right.  Maybe like, I fucking need stupid stories and publicity to make myself worth anything.”

“Shut up,”  I say sternly and she bows her head into my chest.  She knows I hate it when she gets like this.  I shake her for a moment and lean down and press my lips into the top of her head and whisper softly, “just shut up.”

She does shut up and she clings to me.  And I lean my head back and stare up at the trees.  Fuck, fuck, fuck.  I hate this.  I know she’ll be ok, I know we’ll be ok, but I hate that she has to go through this….again.

She doesn’t deserve it.  She’s done not one damn thing to deserve this.

“I don’t even know what the fuck to do,”  she says several minutes later.  I can tell she’s calmer now, and I feel calmer immediately as well.  My shirt’s a little wet from her tears, but they’ve stopped flowing and she’s stopped sniffing.    “I don’t even know how to comprehend this.”

“You don’t have to,” I say and she looks up at me.  “I’ll take care of it.”

“No…”  She shakes her head and uncurls her legs from under her and spreads them out in front of her on the lawn chair.  Mine are still to the sides of the chair, bent and my bare feet pressing into the stone deck.

“Meredith,”  I say and I hold her tight and look at the back of her head. I stare at those damned strings behind her neck that a few minutes before I was trying to undo.  “I’ve got the best fucking manager in the damn business.  We’ll fucking figure this out.  My mom and Paul know all about the business, too.  We got people that can help us get rid of Angie easily, people that I know genuinely care about you.”

She leans back against me, head against my shoulder.  I look down at her and she looks pitiful and won't look me in the eye.  “I just want to go home.”

And I won’t stand for it.  “Stop acting so defeated,” I say and she looks at me a little wary and a little shocked.  “You’ve got me.  Who the hell was she anyway?  You never were friends with her.  She’s nothing!  Just some bitch and we’ll kick her to the curb.”

“Where the hell am I gonna find a new manager?”  She laughs for a moment and even though I know it was a worried laugh, at least I got to see her smile for a second.

“You sell yourself way too short sometimes.  You’re the hottest female singer in the business right now, Mere.  Anyone would be a fool not to want you.”

She sighs and looks down.  She shrugs after a moment, frowning.  “You we're right the other night.  Let’s just move out here and forget everything and live on a beach and not care.”

“Shh…”  I say, wishing I hadn't sad that in that moment.  I wasn't lying then, but I know it's impossible.  It's a fantasy, and maybe one day when I'm older, with her, we will move away and just be together and leave all this mess behind.  But right now we can’t.  We're both too far in it.

And we both are way too in love with it.  One day other things will be more important to us, but right now, being on stage and making music is a priority.

I kiss the side of her head.  “Just stop worrying.  I’m gonna take care of you.  I’m always going to take care of you.”

She nods and finally, fucking finally relaxes completely into me.  She even takes one of my hands and plays with it with her own.  I know then when she does that that she’ll be ok.  She might freak out all night and her moods the next day might bounce from one extreme to the other.

But she’ll be ok.  I’ll be damned if she not ok.

“I told you Courtney was nice,” she says after a moment and then looks up at me, sticking her tongue out.  She’s forcing playfulness, but I don’t mind.

“I’m not going to say that me and her are best friends now, but I think I deserve to let her have free range to slap me a few times.”  I nod and she just stares at me.  “God Mere I knew she was nice, too.  I’m just a fucking dick sometimes.  I needed someone to blame.”  Now I feel defeated.  She was right.  I was wrong.

And the sad thing was the whole fucking summer, a tiny little part of me kept saying over and over, “You’re gonna regret this Justin.  You’re gonna be the fool in the end.  She’s not evil.”  I really am a fool now.

“Let's not talk about it,” she says animatedly.  She makes a funny face.  She’s still forcing it, but at least her eyes are sparkling.  “Let's not go back to the past where everything just sucks.”

I stare at her and smile a little.  There’s so much about our past that I would never want to forget, even some of the bull shit I’ve pulled, because the way she's taken me back sometimes and the feeling of making her smile after an argument, it's almost worth the crap. And making up with her, having sex with her, is worth the bull shit sometimes.  No...all the time…it’s always worth it.  When I lean in and say, “Everything?” and press my fingers in at her sides, she knows what I’m talking about. 

“Shut up,” she says, wiggling in my arms for a moment.  I lean in and kiss her neck and she turns to me and stares at me before kissing me just for a moment, so, so softly.  She pulls back, smiles and then jumps up from me with some new restored energy.   “I want the phone.”

And I want to kiss her again.

She walks back into the house and I follow her into the kitchen.  She really is hot in that bikini.  I know I know, I'm being a dick.  I should want to be with her and around her for emotional support, not because she's so hot.  I just can't help myself sometimes. 

I watch her as her back is to me.  She picks up the phone, looks at it and then at me.  “What do I dial?”

“Dial 9 to get out of the system,” I say and I pick up an apple that’s in the bowl there on the counter and bite into it.  Meredith was upset a couple days ago when she had ordered a bowl of fruit and they brought her one with apples in it.  She was concerned that a tropical place was carrying a non-tropical fruit.  She talked about it for an hour and I just sat there on the couch, laying, watching her and smirking.  I've never been able to just watch a woman and be so content as I can be with her.

Like I'm doing right now.

She presses nine then stops and stares back at me.  “I don’t know her number,” she says sheepishly.

“What!” I say, shocked and smiling.  I come closer to her and take another bite of the apple.

She shrugs.  “It was programmed into my phone!”

“I'll just call Trace.” I laugh with a mouth full of apple.  I take the phone from her, swallow and then dial his number and wait. 

It rings only once before Trace answers, “Hey….”  His voice is calm, but cautious.

I respond, “Hey, Mere wants to talk to Courtney.”

“She ok?”  Trace asks me lowly.

“Yeah, considering.”  I take another bite of the apple, completely making an open ring around the core of it.  I hand Meredith the phone and watch her talk into it.  She paces a little.  I finish my apple, toss it in the trash can there and just watch her. 

“Hey!  Oh my god, Courtney, I’m so sorry….No, because I don’t know what I would have done if this hadn’t happened.  I know you went to talk to her to fucking probably quit or say you hated me, but you didn’t, and you came back and you told me that she was a bitch."  She stops, turns and stares at me as she leans against the wall.  She's looking at me, but she's staring off into space as she listens to Courtney talk on the phone.  "God Courtney I always knew she was a bitch. I never did like her, but like…she was my manager, right? I know….I know…"  She starts pacing again and I go over, grab her wrist and lead her, as she talks on the phone.  I sit down on the couch and pull her down with me.  She pushes at me for a minute and then situates so she's lying with her legs across my lap.  I smile and feel up on the smooth skin for a bit.  "Yeah….what am I going to do?”  She laughs and rolls her eyes, finally focusing on me.  “He’s trying to be a hero when I know all he wants to do is go punch a hole in the wall.”

“Hey…”  I reach out to her and thump her against her stomach.  She gives me a shocked look but doesn’t say anything and keeps with her conversation. 

“Uh huh….I know.  Thanks.  No, right now I don’t even know what I’d say.  Thanks though.  I’ll call her later and my parents. I think I just need to sleep and then I’ll figure it out.  I mean we only have a few more days here so it’s not like I’m going to need to cut my vacation short or anything.”

They talk for a long time, but I don’t mind.  Soon her hand is on the back of my neck, fingering the curls right there.  She talks and talks and talks.  It starts off only about Angie and then continues into Meredith rambling about our vacation.  At some point I must doze off.  I'm relaxed with her always, even when so much shit happens in a matter of a few minutes.  When our worlds get thrown upside down, I’m still ok as long as I'm with her.

I wake up a little bit later to find her curled up with her head in my lap, her breathing softly but deeply, the phone on the coffee table in front of us, turned off.

And I know then, that no matter what’s going on with her, no matter how much her life and her career got ripped to shreds a few minutes ago, she's going to be ok too, because she's with me.

She's with me.