Outside Meredith’s dressing room, 11:45 p.m.

I stop at the commotion, at security guards barreling towards me.  I stop so harshly that my sneakers squeak against the floor.  I was walking down the hallway, looking down at my feet, guided by Tiny and Eric and a couple other people behind me, and I was thinking about the show, about my girl, and what she'd want to do now that we had a night on the bus.  I was smiling to myself, thinking about her.  Then I heard noise, over the echoing screams of the crowd above me.

I looked up. 

Uncertainty and confusion came first, fear second.  But fear stays.
 
Teddy's beating against the door, breaking it down.  I can’t move.  I stop.  Everything just stops.  Then my mind starts turning and turning, faster and faster and I feel myself breathe deep, harsh. I can feel my heart start to pound violently in my chest.

Tiny stays with me, hand against my shoulder. I don’t know if he’s holding me back or protecting me.  But I know I can’t move.  I can’t fucking move. There's a look in Teddy's face, a look of determination, anger and fear…fear.  God damn fear! Why, why is he afraid?  That makes me afraid.  

Why does it have to be her room?

Eric and everyone else rush forward to help when Teddy's shoulder forces open the door. I blink as they block my sight.

I don’t have time to think or to process this.  I can't grab onto one single thought.

I open my mouth, trying to find the words to say, "What’s going on".  But it's too late and Teddy slams some guy against the wall, a maintenance guy, and I feel my knees go weak. 

I…I…

An image enters my mind of what is really going on and I feel panicked.  I feel small.
 

"Where’s Meredith…?"  I don't know if I really say it, if I shout it or whisper it.  But it's all I can think of right now.

I stare at the open door in front of me to my right.  No one’s going in and no one’s going out.

“Who the fuck are you?” Teddy spits out in the guy’s face.  The guy is crying. Terrified.

I feel sick and wince at the words Teddy yells.

“How did you get in there!”

The guy swallows and his eyes search around.  Suddenly, his hand juts out and he points.  I follow his arm to his fingers and his fingers straight to who he’s pointing at.

“Sh-she let me in.”

I stare right at her and feel my anger build as her gaze locks with mine.  She’s shaking her head, “no.” But I don’t care.  I don’t care what she says.  I don't care what anyone says. 

I lose it. Completely.  

I can't stop myself, I don’t even want to stop myself. I step forward.  I have the nerve to push at Teddy’s shoulder, to try to move him out of the way, even though he doesn’t budge.  I need to get at this…this…whoever this is.  He is a thing, nothing more.  A pathetic little thing.

“What did you DO to her?”  I yell.  He curls back from me, afraid of me.  He should be afraid.

“Justin…Justin…”  I hear people call me, pushing at me, but I gotta get to him.  I have to get rid of him.  I don’t know what’s happened.  All I know is that everyone's angry, everyone's scared and he's against a wall.

“Nothing, I was just fixing the unit.  I was just fixing.”  He is crying, tears and snot down his face, and I want to punch it in. I don’t want to look at it. 

“Justin…”  I hear again and someone’s pulling me back this time, has got their arms around me. 

I hear Trace say close to me, “Stop it.  Go in there and check on your girl.”  I’m pulled around, twisted forcefully and pushed, and then I'm staring right into the room.

And I see her.

I forget everything and everyone else.

I step blindly into the room like a drunk man, stumbling.  Marty’s there.  Thank God Marty’s there standing right beside her.  She’s leaning against the counter, staring at the floor blankly and Marty’s not touching her, just standing beside her, looking at her.

He glances at me and I hear him say softly, “Look. Justin’s here.”

She doesn’t look up. She doesn't move.  She doesn't even blink.  My heart starts to break and I don't even know why.  I don’t know what’s happened to her, if anything, or if everything.  And...and I'm not sure I want to know.

He leaves, gets up and walks past me, patting me on the arm. 

I turn to watch him go and he closes the door behind him.  It's silent, stuffy, yet I'm covered in chills.

I look back around and she’s staring right at me.  Big, huge, watery brown eyes staring right into mine.

I feel like since we met I’ve seen this look on her face more than I should, this lost, scared look.  I saw it when we first met, I saw it when I hurt her in Miami, I saw it when the paparazzi came to her house, I saw it when she got sick on stage, and I saw it the other week in Atlanta.   But now it’s really there.  It’s not half-hidden, it’s not masked by a joke or a smile.  It’s not something that can be fixed with a small kiss or a laugh or a touch of her shoulder.

It’s so much more this time.

She’s lost.

“Meredith…”  I lose my voice in that one word.  It’s gone, hoarse and haggard is how I sound.

“I’m ok.” She says quickly, quietly.

I walk towards her and find my breath gone, my voice only a harsh whisper, “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

She looks at the floor and I step in front of her and say, “God dammit Meredith.”

A tear slips from her right eye and then another from her left.  I have to be strong for this, for her, and despite my desire to stay in the dark, I have to know what happened.  She looks ok. I mean, she doesn’t look injured.  Please tell me she’s not hurt.

Please…

I won’t know what to do if, if he…

“He...He came to fix the unit.  I wasn’t supposed to be in here.  But I was and he…he got excited.”

“Did he touch you?”  I ask.

“He…he…”  I feel my throat close when she won’t look at me, when she covers her face with her hands.

I pull at her wrists and can feel her shaking.  I can feel her fingers grasp at mine and hold onto me, trying to hold me tight but failing.  Her hands twitch in mine and when she looks at me, I suddenly feel sick.  I feel my stomach drop, I feel my throat cave in, “Dammit Meredith, did he touch you?”

“He tried to.”  She sniffs.  And I can’t handle it. I feel like I might fall down.  This, this shit isn’t supposed to happen.  Not to us. Not to her.  Not to her.   I wrap myself around her and she holds me so tight, tighter than she ever did with that Leah shit, or with those assholes taking pictures at her house, or when she had her scare.  This…this is different.  She’s never letting go.  And I don’t want her to.  I want her to stay right here so I can keep her and protect her.

God damn, this shit isn’t supposed to happen to her. 

I press my cheek into her head and keep myself from showing too much emotion with her.  I have to be the strong one.  I have to sit here with her right now and be with her and do whatever she needs me to.  I can’t go beat the life out of that…that creature outside, ‘cause he’s not a fucking person.  I can’t go cry to Tiny or Trace.  I can’t freak out.  I have to just, just, just be with her.

And even though I want to go do those other things, I need to be with her right now.  She’s keeping me level.  She’s keeping me from losing it. 

I hold her so tight, I try to pull her inside my chest.  If I could I’d put her inside of me and hold her there.  When I was young I did that when my grandma’s old cat had kittens, I’d take the runt, the small weak one and put it against my chest and button up a shirt or jacket over it and carry it around all day.  I’d hold it and keep it protected until it started mewing.  I’d hold it until its little claws would dig in my t-shirt, and his barely opened eyes would search around for its mother.  I’d hold it until it bit my thumb when I tried to pet it and I’d hold it until it fell back asleep against me, warm and tiny, and  soft…just like Mere.

I’m not a cat person at all, but back then, being 7 years old, I felt like I was such a good boy, such a good person. I was protecting that kitten, I was holding it, it was all I knew how to do at the time.

It’s still all I know how to do for her now. 

I keep holding her.

“Let’s sit down…”  I whisper and pull away a bit to bring her to the couch.

“Not there,” she says, and when I look at her, she looks terrified of the couch, as if it’s possessed or that it’s going to hurt her.

I lose my control for a second and touch her face, forcing her to finally look me right in the eyes, “Baby…”

I hold her cheek and she closes her eyes and turns her face into my hand a little before turning back to look at me.

“He…”  Her lip trembles as she talks and she starts crying more.  I shouldn’t have pushed.  Damn Justin, just leave her alone, she’s not a fucking kitten, she won’t just go back to sleep. “I was laying down, listening to my iPod and I had my eyes closed and it was up loud and I couldn’t hear until the couch moved.  And I thought it was you and I smiled, but it didn’t smell like you after a concert and I know I hadn’t fallen asleep yet and I know not enough time had passed for you to shower and, and I looked up and…and it wasn’t you.”

I feel my head spin.  I thought he didn’t touch her.  She said he didn’t touch her. 

“He got on top of you?”

“He tried.  I pushed him off and screamed for Teddy.”

Please say that’s it.

Dear God, please say that’s all that happened to her. “And that’s...”

“And he grabbed my leg.”  I think I might seriously throw up.  And I think she might, too.  She’s getting paler and shaking with each word, her voice going from quiet to loud and panicky. “And tried to pull me down. And…and he pinned me down on the floor and all I could hear was the door banging and I knew he had locked it.  And I, I didn’t know what was going to happen, I was trying to kick him, but I started feeling really weak.  Teddy was there before anything could happen, before he could get on top of me.  He…he was gone and Marty was in here pulling me up and looking at me.”

I move to hold onto the counter and close my eyes. “Meredith…”

I feel her arms around me and her head against my chest and she’s holding onto me again, so, so tight.  “Don’t let me go…”

I gulp down what feels like my entire insides backing up to be spewed out at my throat.  I gulp that down, the fear and the panic.  I force it back deep into me and put my arms around her again.

“I just…”  She says into my sweaty shirt.  “It was warm and cozy in here so I just decided to lie down.  I didn’t think it’d be a big deal.  I mean I did tell Courtney I was going to your bus to sleep, but I didn’t tell her I had left yet.”

I don’t want to hear that name.  I don’t want her on my mind right now.  I don’t want to start that process of blame, even though I have to stop myself, to just concentrate on Meredith. Still, it slips out a bit.  “She shouldn’t have…”

“I don’t wanna talk about that.  I just…I just…”  She shakes her head and I see her.  I see her break down.  I see her really crying.  Until this point it had been slightly contained to a few big tears and a couple sniffles.  It takes over now, she starts wailing out to me.  She starts hyperventilating.  She’s loud and I can’t tell if she’s even crying or just letting out some demon feeling that she has.  I realize that in this moment she’s now realizing what happened to her.  What…what, God…what could have happened to her.

She literally breaks down, crying and sobbing and clutching at me, leaning over me, hitting me even, saying things that make no sense, crying harder than I’ve ever seen a woman cry. 

I hold her face and kiss her head, trying to stop this insanity from choking her.  She looks like she’s choking.  And it doesn’t work, nothing works and I can’t stand it.

“Shh, I’ve got you.” I say, trying to convince myself that I do have her, that she’s not slipping away from me, that I didn’t almost lose her.  I wrap her up in me, I hold her and pull her down with me to the floor.  I pull her into my lap and don’t let her go.  She curls into a ball against me and cries into my neck, holding me there, rubbing her closed eyes against me there, moaning.    She seems so small right now, so lost. She curls up tight, trying to stick her socked feet underneath my thigh, literally curled up against me as tight as possible. 

“I’m not gonna let anything happen to you Meredith, nothing.”

“But it almost did.”  She says pitifully.

“Shh….” I shush her, partly because I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t want to hear what could have happened to her.  I’m trying to barricade those thoughts from surging into my brain right now.  I have to. 

She pulls back a little and looks at me, pleading with me, “I don’t want to have to deal with this right now.  I don’t.”

I shake my head and say at her, running my hand over her hair, “We don’t have to.”

“Don’t leave me.”  She bites her lip and curls into me again, clutching my shirt.  I’m still so very sweaty, but I’m freezing, freezing in this fucking room with no fucking air.  She holds onto the open ends of my button down shirt, her tears are staining my sweaty tank underneath. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” I say.  I wish I could say or do more, but I’m lost right now.  Holding her is the only thing keeping me together.  Sitting on this floor with her is all I have right now.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.  Her and me, together, my hands through her hair and her wrapped up against me.  I know now, here with us, nothing can happen to her.  I won’t let it.

“Hey.”

I feel her jump and I look up and see Trace has cracked open the door and is leaning in it, staring at us. 

“They...”  He looks nervous and licks his lips as he says, “Everyone’s down waiting for police in the main lobby area.  They got 5 venue guards on him and Teddy and Eric and some of the other guys are there, too.  Tiny’s right here, ok?”  He points outside the door.  “He’s not leaving until you guys come out, ok?”

“Thanks.”  I try to smile at him but it doesn’t work.  So I just nod.

“If you guys wanna slip to the bus now you…”

I widen my eyes a little and say his name softly, “Trace…”

He gets me.  He can read me.  And he knows right now I just gotta deal with this.  I appreciate him trying to help right now.  But…but I just gotta do this my way, and do this slow.  She’s not ready to go out there yet.  She’s not ready to stand up and let go of me.

“Ok.” He says and shuts the door.

I run my hand down her arm to where her hand is and I hold it.  God she really is so small against me right now.  It’s something I always liked about her.  I like small women, I like how they fit against me and feel against me.  But right now she feels too small, too thin and frail, like an old woman.  But she’s not old and she looks up at me, her face red and tired. She leans against my shoulder and just stares up at me.  She’s calmed down a bit.

She sniffs and says softly, “How was your set?”

“It was good.  You totally revved up the crowd for me.” I say watching her close her eyes when I run my hand over her hair.  It’s like the damned kittens when I’d pet them and their eyes would slowly close.  I hate that she’s that helpless right now.  If I have to though, I’ll carry her out of here and I’ll hold her against me all night.  “I think they were excited because of you.”

“I need a shower.”  Her voice is blank and I wish she’d look at me instead of having her eyes closed and moving her head so that’s it’s bowed into my chest.

“You don’t smell funky,” I say to lighten the mood.

“That’s not why I…”

I immediately save myself from it, from her having to explain why she wants a shower.  I get it as soon as she opens her mouth and I don’t want to hear it.  I pull her back in my arms a little and look at her, smiling, trying my best to show her it’s genuine.  “What if we go get on my bus and we squeeze into my little shower and I’ll wash you and hold you.  And then we lay in bed with the dogs.  And we can invite Teddy or Tiny in if it’ll make you feel safe.”

She breathes out a slight laugh and her lips pull up for a moment, showing her teeth, smiling just a moment, “That’d be so awkward.”

“There’s my smile.”  I say to her and kiss her cheek. Tension in my body seems to slightly fade away at her small smile.  And I finally feel like I can catch my breath.

I love her.  God, I love her. 

I don’t want to go out there.  Not only because I know she’s not ready, even though she’s calmed down, but damn if that fuck is out there.  I…I’m not sure what I’ll do.

In less than two weeks, two fucking weeks, the tour will be over, we have a break and I’m taking her away.  I’m taking her far away and I’m going to show her how much she means to me.  I’m going to prove her worth to me. 

If…if something had happened, I don’t know what I would have done.

“I didn’t even have time to be scared,” she says suddenly.  Her tears have almost dried, her nose is red and she’s still in my lap, but not leaning against me as much. She holds one of my hands in both of hers against her thigh and plays with my fingers and rubs her thumb over my knuckles.  “All I thought when I saw him was my heart was beating so hard and I knew I had to get out but I wasn’t scared.  I wasn’t scared until Teddy got him away and Marty was helping me up. I didn’t have time to be scared when he was near me.”

I suck in a breath and say for her, “There’s no reason to be scared, baby.  They’re taking care of it.  And I know that, that…it shouldn’t have gotten that far, but they’re never gonna be too far away, they’re gonna protect you, Teddy and Tiny and Eric and everyone will always protect you.”

She shakes her head and looks at me with a look of pure worry and fear, “But what if he wanted to hurt me?  What if he had ya know, a gun?   What if he didn’t want to just kiss me?  That’s what he said Justin…he kept saying he just wanted to kiss…”

I bite my lip and swallow to try to keep myself from crying.  All I can do so she can’t see me lose it is pull her around me and hold her. “Fuck baby...I’m…I’m so sorry.”  Her arm wraps around my neck and stays like that.

I feel her sigh against my skin and it’s shaky.  Shit she’s starting to shake again.  At least she’s not crying.  But I hate that she has to go through this.  I hate that this happened to her.  And I’m going to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  I don’t know how but, I will.

My ass is asleep and my legs are and I don’t care.  I don’t care.  I lean my head back against the cabinets we’re resting against and close my eyes for a moment. I’m suddenly so exhausted, so tired of thinking about all this.  I don’t even know how long it’s been, a few minutes, an hour…

“Meredith…”

I open my eyes to feel her pulling away from me.  When I look up, Teddy is inside the doorway. 

“Teddy…”  She says and her voice cracks and she scrambles up away from me and walks over towards him.

She crashes herself into his body and he holds her tight.  I push myself up off the floor, finding it hard to stand.  “Shh girl, are you ok?”

“Yeah.”  She nods against him and sniffles.  I hold onto the counter again and stare at them.

He pulls back, holds her shoulders and bends down to look at her level, “I know, I know this is the last thing you want to do right now, but the police are here and they need to get your statement and then that will be it. I’ll make sure they don’t interrogate you.  I’ll be right by you. You just gotta tell them what happened and then we’ll get you on the bus and we’ll get out of here, ok?”

She nods and crosses her arms over her chest as if she’s cold.

“Do they need me?”  I ask.

“No, but…” Teddy nods me over.  “Come with us.”

I follow them out into the hallway.  Tiny is in a small chair by the door on his phone and he stands up when he sees us, ends the call and walks behind me.  Teddy walks in front of me and keeps a hand on Meredith’s back as she walks close to him.  Shanda is walking up the hallway and stops me with a panicked look on her face.

She points into the dressing room, “I’m gonna get all her stuff that’s in here and take it to one of the buses, ok?”

“You can bring it to mine.  Thanks Shanda.”

She sucks in a breath, “Is she ok?”

I shrug. “Ok as she can be.”

“Justin.” I hear and turn and see Meredith looking at me with those damned big eyes.

“I’m coming.”  I say and jog up to her, sliding my hand down her arm and weaving her fingers with mine as Teddy walks beside us down the hallway.  “Shanda’s gonna get all your stuff for you.”

She nods and leans into me.  I kiss her head and continue walking with her down the hallway.

It takes a while, an hour, longer than it should.  She shouldn’t have to go through this, she shouldn’t have to be questioned for an hour.  Luckily they took the bitch in a cop car as soon as they got here, arrested him right then, and took him to the station before Meredith and I got down here.  I'm glad.  She shouldn't ever have to look at him again.  And I’m not sure what I would have done if I had to see him again. Two cops are left, taking statements.

I stare at my girl as she sits in a chair beside Teddy.  He has his arm around her and I'm glad that she has someone beside her, protecting her right now, since I have to just stand over here against the wall, out of the way. Staring, since I can’t be near, since they don’t need me.  They got the female cop to take her statement, too and I was glad about that as well.  She's older, looks like a mother or something.

I’m sure Meredith is more comfortable talking to her about this than the young male cop who’s been questioning everyone else.

I sigh and scratch my chest.  I'm itchy and dirty and need to shower still.  I'm still in my damned stage clothes.  I can’t wait to get on the bus and leave this damned place.  I’m going to make a point never to book here again.

Yeah, that’s not fair to the venue, but I can’t stand it and there’s no way I’m going to let myself or Meredith come back to a place where the maintenance workers are psychos. 

“Look…”

I close my eyes when I hear it, when his voice comes from beside me.   I was so into my thoughts, I didn’t even hear him come and stand beside me against the wall.  But I don’t look at him now, I keep staring at my girl, making sure she's ok.  “Not now Trace.”

“Please just concentrate on Meredith before you go around blaming…”

I bite my lip so I don’t yell at him.  He can't be serious right now.  I turn and look at him dead on and he stops his speech.  He looks frustrated and worried.  He should be, but he shouldn’t be coming up here scolding me when I haven’t done anything or said anything to anyone. 

“What does it look like I’m doing?  I’m not an idiot.”

“I was with her all tonight.”

“Stop it!"  I say loudly.  I know he means well.  I get it, he fucking cares about that bitch.  But right now I need to keep my focus on Meredith and him coming here and defending his little girlfriend’s honor, when she fucked up, is bull shit.  "I don’t need to hear this right now. You want me to concentrate on Meredith, then stop telling me your shit.”

“Dammit! I’m just…” He runs his hand over his face and I roll my eyes a little bit.

“I know what you are doing, and right now you know this is the last thing I need to be dealing with.  You’re right.  I don’t need to be thinking about what your girlfriend did or didn’t do.  I need to be thinking about Meredith, so just don’t mention her ok?”

It's quiet.  And he knows he's in the wrong right now.  I can see sorry written all over his face.  I know, I fucking know I can be an asshole.  But right now I don’t have time to play nice.  I don’t have the energy to show him concern about Courtney.  Right now I'm trying my best to wait as patiently as possible, so I can get my girl and get out of this fucking city.  I can worry about blame and guilt later.

I hear him suck in a deep breath and after a moment he says quietly, “Is she ok?”

I lick my dry lips and feel my voice falter when I say, “She’s really shaken up." I blink and watch her as she stares at the police woman and nods at her like she's being lectured, like she's in trouble.  God girl, you did nothing wrong.  "And she’s holding a lot of it in.”

“I already set the dogs up on your bus with James.  Do you want me to ride with you guys?”

“No, we’re ok." I realize that this is going to take time.  Not just tonight, but the next few days are gonna be rough.  God damn, its going to be rough.  But she’s strong.  I know she is.  She’s stronger than anyone realizes, more than I realize most of the time.  Maybe it won’t be that bad.  Maybe we’ll be ok.

I just need to make sure I'm here for my girl with no distractions.  I turn to Trace and ask, "Do I have anything scheduled tomorrow?”

“One or two radio interviews.”

I turn back to look at Meredith and say, “Cancel them.  And anything Meredith has tell Courtney to cancel them.  She…we don’t need to have any questions asked about this yet, ok?”

“I got cha.  I’ve called Johnny.  He talked to Tiny for a good bit and he says call him when you can. I think he’s going to be in contact with Meredith’s manager tonight or tomorrow.” 

It's quiet.  Teddy's on the phone now and the police are having Meredith sign something.  I let out a deep breath and I really hope this ends soon.  I look around the room for a moment and see Courtney standing up on the other side of the room with the male police officer.  She's talking with her hands and seems to be on the defensive.  I make myself not look at her.  I can't do this right now.  I just can’t.

“Are you ok?”  I hear Trace say softly.

“I’m…"  I swallow the lump in my throat.  And I know he knows I'm bull shitting.  "I’m fine.”

“Justin.” 

He wants to be there for me now.  He wants to be my best friend, he wants me to freak out and he wants to be my little savior right now.  He wants to make it better.  Like he has so many other times.  He wants to lock up in a room and watch Clint Eastwood westerns and drink Jack Daniels and totally block out everything.  But he can’t right now. 

‘Cause I'm not what matters. 

“I don’t have time to freak out right now, Trace."  I point across the room to Meredith who's now on the phone.  She's curled up in the chair, leaning against Teddy and I don’t know who's she's talking to.  Probably Angie or her parents.  God, her father will flip. "That girl right there is my number one priority above anything else right now.”

“Ok.”  He says.  And it’s silent again.

You always think you are untouchable.  That shit can’t happen to you.  You drive down the road never thinking anyone will ever run into you.  You walk down the street thinking no one will mug you.  And me, and probably her, think that even more so than just regular people.  ‘Cause we’re protected.  Sure people follow us, want pictures of us, say shit about us.  But they can’t touch us.

They aren’t supposed to touch us.

They aren’t supposed to touch her.  And to think that another man, some other person tried to take her from me.  To know some sick, twisted man went that far as to…to…get on…

I feel someone touch my shoulder and I jerk and look down.  Trace is looking at me with a worried look and I realize I’m breathing hard and my heart feels like it’s beating in my ears. 

"Hey..."  I jump at her voice and turn back quickly to see her a few feet from me.  She still looks so pale and lost.  I exhale and reach for her hand and bring her closer to me.

She can’t leave me.

"Hey Trace..."  She says shyly and he waves at her and sticks out his tongue.  She smiles weakly in return and looks at me.  She opens her mouth slowly, but when her words come out they are rushed and quick.   "They don't need me anymore right now.  I talked to Angie and she's talking about a restraining order, but we don’t know what the charges will be against that guy yet, so I don’t..."

It’s too much for either of us to deal with right now and I touch her face and cut her off, "Let's just go get on the bus, ok?"

She exhales just like I did when she first came over here and nods, "Ok."

I don’t look back as I hold her hand and this time Tiny walks in front of us, Teddy walks behind.  The night air jolts me even though it’s not cold.  But it’s breezy.  It actually feels good.

James is waiting for us on the bus and the pups are excited and riled up when we get on.  Teddy and Tiny immediately sit down and rest.  Meredith goes straight to the back and pats the bed so Brennan will get up and lay with her.  Buckley jumps up, too and pants at me and then jumps down and barks at me and looks up at me.  I pet him and try to calm him down.  I take off my button down shirt and slip off my shoes. 

She’s lying there limply on my bed, running her hand over Brennan’s neck and staring at her.

I lean down against the bed and pull her socks off her feet.  The cotton is dirty from walking around the venue with no shoes and walking outside on the gravel.  She didn’t even fucking put shoes on.  I throw the socks in the waste bin in the corner of the crowded room. 

I come over on the side of the bed she’s facing and sit down and look at her.  She’s still just staring at the dog, she looks so tired.

"They're sleeping with us right?" she asks.

"If you want."  I say and her eyes move to mine.

“I don’t even know how to act Justin.  Like, part of me is just relieved.”  She turns on her back and runs her hands over her face before letting them fall by her sides.  “And part of me is screaming at me to freak out and be scared.  And another part of me is saying, hey nothing happened so just get over it.  I don’t even know how I’m supposed to be feeling right now.  And now with you here with me and the pups and the guys outside I’m really not scared.  I feel jittery, like when you see a earthworm squirming on cement.”  She laughs a little and shakes her shoulders like she has chills and then looks off to the side.  “But maybe I should be more freaked out than I am.”

“Meredith…” I pat Brennan and she moves down to the foot of the bed like a good girl.  I lie down beside my girl on my stomach and kiss her cheek. “You’re freaking out, you just don’t realize it.  I think you’re just, you’ve processed it, you’ve dealt with it and we’re leaving it behind.  But you were panicked an hour ago.”

“You were, too.”  I don’t look at her.  She knows me too well and even when I hide it and try to show her that I can be strong for her, she sees right through me. 

I lean my head down against her collar and relax when she pulls me against her, her arms around my shoulders. 

“I love you so much,” I say.

I feel her hands on the sides of my head and she pulls me up so I’m looking down at her.  “I’m ok.  I’m gonna be ok and you are, too.”

“I know,” I say quietly.

She kisses me. 

And it makes everything go away for that one moment.  She doesn’t deepen it and she doesn’t get wild with it.  She just kisses me, simply and purely, and pulls back and stares at me.

She’s amazing.  No matter what happens to her.  No matter what I put her through, what other people put her through, no matter if she’s betrayed or hurt or put in danger, she doesn’t lose the brightness in her eyes.  And her smile always comes back.

Everyday I fall harder.  Everyday I need her more. 

Everyday I realize I’ll go crazy if she leaves me.

And I’ll go crazy if she gets hurt again.

I can’t let her get hurt again.

“You want go to take that shower you were talking about?”

I smile at her and kiss her briefly again. “Ok.”

We stand up and I close the door to the bedroom after waving goodnight to Teddy and Tiny. 

“I don’t think we’ll both fit in there,” she says, smiling.  She’s fucking smiling and she’s beautiful.

“We’re both string beans.”  I laugh and watch her take off her tank top.  “I’m sure we’ll make it work.”

We undress quickly and quietly and she waits, standing there naked while I crouch in the small bathroom and try to get the water good for her.  It tends to run a little hotter than she likes it.

Soon I’m pulling her in with me.  The light is dim in my bus bathroom and the partition between the sink and the shower is awkward and takes a moment for me to close all the way.  She leans against me and I hold my arms around her.  There’s no where else for them to go.  We’re crammed and pressed against each other and the wall.

We don’t kiss, we don’t even grab the bottle of shampoo or the bar or soap.  I just hold her and hold her and let her lean her back against me. 

She turns after a few minutes, and hugs me back.  I feel her lips against my chest and she nuzzles her nose against my neck.  She feels so good, so good naked against me.

And as much as I tried to pretend that this entire night, this whole time I’ve been holding her was for her safety, for her security, I realize now that she’s fine on her own.  She’ll be ok no matter what.  But I’m the one that needs her against me.  I’m the one that feels safer when I’m holding her.

It’s selfish and I don’t care.

I just need her.

I won’t let it happen again.  I’ll be damned sure about that.  And as I lean against the shower wall and hold her against me, knowing that the bus doesn’t have that much hot water, knowing we’ll have to get out very soon, I know that I’m going to stop this.

I’m not going to do it tonight, or tomorrow.  I’m going to wait until I’m clear about it.

All I have is a point and a guilty face.  Whether she intended for this to happen or not, Courtney Dawson almost got Meredith seriously hurt tonight.  She acts like she cares about Meredith, yet she treats her like a child.  She complains that no one likes her, and yet the one person who wants her friendship more than anything, she ignores and doesn’t want to hang out with.  If she makes Trace so god damn happy, why does he seem more stressed and depressed than I’ve seen him in a long time?

Accident or not, I’m determined to find out what this girl is doing here, why she let that man anywhere near Meredith, what does she want from Trace, and why she keeps fucking shit up for me and my girl?