The Craven’s Neighborhood, 1:02 a.m.

Trace told me.

It was about an hour and a half ago when he said the words, and for an hour I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do to fix this.  After he told me I was angry, I was…honestly, I was so fucking pissed off.  I was ready to say I didn’t want anything to do with her.  I didn’t want to talk to her or see her. 

This isn’t the first time a girl has kept something this big from me.  It happened with Britney.  She thought she was pregnant and kept it from me for months, was planning on never, ever telling me.  She wasn’t pregnant though and Mere’s not either.

And it’s funny.  With Britney I was livid, infuriated.  I called her immature.  I called her so many horrible things.  It was the beginning of the bad, bad part of our relationship.  The beginning of the end, I guess.  But I don’t want this to be the end to Mere and me.  It can’t be.

So I forced myself to calm down, and once I did, the only person in the world I wanted to talk to and see was her.  Now I’m here riding to Mere’s parents’ place to stay for the night.  I just hope I can get her alone because I have to talk to her.

Ya know, it makes sense.  She’s been off all week and today.  God, today I knew something was going on.  I just fucking wish she would have told me.  And because she didn’t, I know something is wrong.  This isn’t this picture perfect thing I keep pretending it is.  And I gotta fix this, I gotta fix us before it’s too late.

‘Cause I don’t want this to end.

I was getting off the stage and Mere was there with her family and she kissed me quickly and told me to meet her back home.  They were gonna wait for me but I think her mom was tired or something.  So everyone left to go to Meredith’s home.  Her parents are about a 45 minute drive from the venue.

I’ve been sitting here in the backseat of this Escalade for just about 45 minutes, just thinking, thinking of what Mere’s thinking, what she’s doing.  I need her right now and I need to talk to her about this.  I know she’s going to freak out.  Shit... she’s gonna freak out.

Trace was in my dressing room when I got there after the show tonight and he immediately kicked everyone out.  I knew something was up because he looked way too serious.  He told me to sit down.  I was still in my sweaty clothes and I was annoyed instantly.  I refused to sit. And then he said, “Did you know that Mere took a pregnancy test today?”

I couldn’t breathe.

It’s like fuck, ya know?  I can’t.  I can’t have a kid right now.  But honestly when he told me that, all I could think about was her.  Was Mere and how fucking insane she has to be to try to solve all this on her own.  She’s gonna fucking kill herself if she’s not careful.  She’s gonna burn herself out.  She wants to solve everything, she wants everything to be perfect and she’s forgetting about herself in the process.

I started thinking a lot about us, about…about everything in my life right now.  My mind has been running a hundred miles an hour non-stop since he told me and now it’s still going fast but a lot clearer than it was.

I realize that all of this, or most of this, has to do with me.  It has to do with me being an asshole who can’t open up.  I fucking try.  I really do.  It just, it’s hard for me.  From the moment this started with Mere I never let her know how much I really cared about her.  I didn’t let her know that I stayed up thinking and worrying about her.

I didn’t let her know that from the moment I met her she was special to me, very, very special.  She’s not just another hot girl.  It's not even about how beautiful she is or how sweet she is or cute or funny.  It’s…it’s something I can’t even try to explain.  It’s just there.  It just fits.

And I've never showed her or told her that because I'm too much of a fucking pussy.

She never wants to bother me or burden me.  She always tells me not to worry about her.  God, that’s my fucking job. 

I’m supposed to care about her.  I can’t just turn that off.  No matter what’s going on in my life.

“This is it, right?”  I suck in a breath and look up into the front seat where we’ve slowed down in front of a two story brick house.  The porch lights are on and I can see Mere’s dad’s dirty pick up in the driveway beside her mom’s car.  He gave me and Trace a full spiel about it today, about horsepower and how much it can pull.  Mere’s dad reminds me a lot of my dad and Trace’s dad.  I really like him and I’m really glad her parents seem to like me.

“Yeah, that’s her dad’s truck,” I say.  I wipe my clammy hands on my jeans as we pull up on the side of the road in front of her front yard.  I wish Trace were here.  I wish he had ridden with me instead of going back to the hotel.  But he said he had to do damage control, and I made a decision to not be the selfish best friend I normally am and let him go take care of his girlfriend.

‘Cause ya know, as much as I can't stand Courtney, if…if Trace likes her, then there’s gotta be something good about her.  Fuck, I don’t know.  I just don’t know anything anymore.

I open my car door and Tiny gets out of the passenger seat.  Shit, I can't even remember our driver’s name.  I wave and say thanks to him.  I don’t think Tiny’s staying at Mere’s because when I grab my bag, slam the door and walk over to Mere’s driveway, Tiny follows me and I notice he doesn’t have a bag in his hand and the driver stays parked in front of the yard.

It’s hot out.  Muggy and the bugs are making a loud, squeaking, humming noise, but it’s oddly comforting.  Reminds me of home.  I move to sling my bag over my shoulder and catch Tiny’s gaze when I do, “You ok man?  You’ve been quiet.”

“Tired,” I say.  He knows I’m bull shitting.  But I’m thankful he doesn’t push it.

I am tired.  Physically I’m so exhausted right now but my mind is wide, wide awake. 

When I step up to the porch, the door swings open before I even have the opportunity to awkwardly decide whether to knock or ring the doorbell.  There’s Meredith’s dad in a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt with a beer in his hand.  He smiles and shakes my hand. “Hey, how’s it going?”  He says and I force a smile. 

“Good thanks.  How’s everyone?”

I look in, preparing myself to see Meredith perched somewhere in her pj’s, but all I see when I walk into Meredith’s house is Megan and Josh sitting on opposite sides of the couch with the TV on.  Megan waves at me.

Where is she?

I look around the house a little.  It kind of reminds me of the house we had back home in Millington, before we built the one we are in now.  It’s not huge, but it's not small. It’s cozy and country and southern.  And even though it’s nothing like my house back in LA, or like her house….I like it.  I feel something nudging my crotch and I look down to see a big brown and black dog with its nose poking into me.  I pet the dog’s head.  This must be DeeDee.

I look back, still touching the dog's head and Tiny is shaking hands with Mere’s dad who’s closing the door behind them.

“Oh uh…” Her dad laughs a little and then says, “We’re just watchin’ a movie.”

Megan speaks up from the couch, “Your girl is being antisocial.  She’s looking through clothes or something in her room."

I just nod and lick my lips.  Good, I can get her alone. Tiny has gone over and has sat himself on a chair by the couch.  Megan’s making him give her a high five.  I don’t know if he’s staying with me tonight still.  I assume not.  And I don’t care. 

“You ok there, son?”

I blink and focus in on Mr. Craven who’s got his hand clasped onto my shoulder. “Yes sir, I’m just worn out.”

He nods and smiles at me, “Meredith’s in her room.  I’ll show you.”

I nod at Megan and Josh and Tiny and follow Mr. Craven through the den down a hallway in the back of the house.  There’s a door there cracked with yellow light spilling out of it and I can hear her. 

I can hear her soft, sweet voice humming to herself.

Her dad pushes the door open for me and before I can step in DeeDee goes in before me and jumps into a plush chair in the corner of the room by a window.  She just stares at me and pants, tongue hanging out and shaking.

I step in.

She’s there, wearing some turquoise sweatpants pushed up to her knees with the word Pink written across her ass.  A yellow tank top covers her top.  There are clothes all over her bed and on the floor, scattered across the room.  Her back's to us as she looks through a closet and lightly sings to herself.  Her room is tidy other than the scattered clothes.  I figured there’d be teddy bears and ribbons and things all about.  There are a few photographs and one or two stuffed animals and the room is painted yellow, but for the most part, it looks like a guest bedroom more than anything. 

“Kiddo…”  She jumps at the sound of her father's voice and turns with a red Hawaiian shirt in her hand.  She smiles at me brightly and I can't find the energy to smile back.  “What are you doing?” Her dad starts to laugh.

“Dad!”  She laughs and holds the shirt up to her torso.  “Do you remember when I would wear this like 24/7?  Those were the days.  I should bring this back into style.”

“Oh god…”  He groans, takes a sip from his beer and pats me on the shoulder.  “Good luck.  She’s in one of her moods. Deedee..."  The dog's ears perk for a second and then when Mr. Craven snaps his fingers twice ,she crawls down from the chair and trots out of the room.

“What is that supposed to mean, Dad!”  I stare at her and she’s calling out to the door, “Dad!! Daddy!  Tell Deedee to come back!” I can hear him laughing behind me and the door closes softly.  She drops the shirt in her hands and pouts.  “He’s mean.”

She smiles again and turns back around, slinging shirts and hangers left and right in her closet. Only the lamp on her nightstand is on and I just stand there.  She turns back around after a minute and raises an eyebrow at me because I haven't moved and I haven't spoken.

I can't take it.  I just… I thought this would be easier or something.  But...  Shit.

I drop my bag on the floor and run my hands over my head for a moment before walking to her bed and pushing every fucking piece of clothing on it off onto the floor.  I point to the bed.

“Sit down.”

I look up at her and her eyes are wide and her lips are in a small “o” formation.  “What’s wrong?”

“Meredith…”  I sigh and find it hard to talk.  I close my eyes and beg, “Please.”

I hope she doesn’t break down.  I really hope she doesn’t break down. I open my eyes.

Her eyes are glassy, watery and she’s swallowing hard. 

Shit.

“What?”

“Trace told me,” I say and it comes out harsh. I have to grip my fists by my sides as she plops on the end of her bed and stares off into space, eyes getting watery by the second, her face pale and mouth slightly opened.

I lick my lips and try to control myself.  I’m not angry, I just feel so…so much fucking emotion in me right now and I don't know what to do with it. 

I speak slowly in an effort to calm myself, “He found the test box in Courtney’s trash in her room and freaked out on her and she told him because he was accusing her of shit.”

She breaks.

Tears slip from her eyes and she panics and covers her face with her hands, “I told her not to tell anyone!”

“Meredith.”  She doesn’t look up at me and I just stay standing.  I don’t know what else to do.  “That’s not the point.  She did what she had to.  She told the truth.  Apparently she begged Trace not to tell me.  But it’s not his job to keep shit like that from me.  That's not what friend's do.  That's not what girlfriend's do.”

She keeps her hands over her face and pulls up her legs and crosses them under her and leans forward a little.  She’s silent but keeps her hands there.  Her shoulders shake.

I lean down and pull at her wrists and when I do I wish I hadn't.  She’s crying, hard, so hard and completely silent.  Her face is red and the tears are pouring out of her.  “Do you hate me?” She asks and it barely comes out, it's just a harsh whisper.

And I break.  I sit down beside her and put my arms around her and she just starts to cry harder.  I don’t even understand what's happened or how this has blown up like it has.  I should have been rational.  I should have just asked her about it.  But I did right?  She’s the one freaking out.

Shit, she really is freaking out.

“Fucking shit Meredith…”  I hold her tight and feel her clutching me. I pull back a little and grip her face, “I don’t hate you.  Baby…”  She sniffs and still cries, but she controls it a little and wipes at her nose.  “What the hell, though?  Why didn’t you say anything?”

Her eyes search mine and she turns a little on the bed to face me. “I didn’t want to upset you.  I knew you couldn’t handle it.”  Her hands shake in the air a little and she wipes her nose again, this time using the neckline of her top.  “I was freaking out Justin.  I was so fucking scared and I just knew, oh my god…”  She says loudly and shakes her head, “I just knew if I told you, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

“You make me sound like some fragile basket case.  I’m not some psycho, Meredith.  I’m a grown man.”

Her bottom lip trembles for a moment and then she pushes herself up off the bed and says in another loud, bitter voice, “Well I’m fucking sorry!!! Ok?  I fucking...”

I immediately stand up and put my arms around her.  I start to get it.  I start to understand.  She’s just like me.  She’s too far into it now and she’s trying her best to make sure nothing fucks up.  She’s trying to make sure no mistakes happen.  She’s trying to make sure the possibility of mistakes doesn’t freak me out and make me run away.  And now that a mistake has happened she can't handle it.

And I’m too far into this now to run away.  I can’t run away.

She’s gotta understand that.

“Meredith, this isn't about being sorry.  God…” I hold her still and her back's to my front, and I feel her go limp against me.  She’s still freaking out and that scares me.  It really scares me because what would have happened if she …if she really was pregnant?

"Shit girl…”  I turn her around and push her back and tug her a little so she sits down on the edge of the bed.  She lifts up the bottom of her tank top and blots her eyes and her nose and I kneel down in front of her on my knees, in between her legs and put my hands on her hips and look right at her, “Look I was mad at first, ok?  I’m not gonna lie and say I wasn’t.  But I’m not mad anymore, I’m determined.”

“To break up with me,” she says in a small voice.

And I laugh at her. “You’re being ridiculous.”

She knows it too when she ignores it and says, “You weren't supposed to find out.  This…this was just supposed to go away and be forgotten.”

“Meredith you thought you were pregnant for two fucking weeks and you hid that from everyone.  There’s a problem with that.”

“I just….”  She inhales deeply and lets it out with a huff, making her whole body slouch, but it seems to make her calmer and her eyes are no longer crying. “I didn’t want to stress you out, especially now that there's nothing to stress about.”

“It’s not over Mere.  Look..." I sigh, wishing she could just see into my brain and know exactly what I need to tell her without having to struggle with the right words.  "I’m not making myself clear here.  There’s a big problem, you gotta realize that.”  I push myself up and go over to my duffel bag to get out my toiletries so I can brush my teeth before I get in bed.  Suddenly I feel very, very exhausted. 

“Please…”  She says and I look over right before I’m about to unzip my bag and she’s right beside me.  She touches my back and whispers, “please don’t break up with me.”

I stand up straight and look down at her. “I’m not breaking up with you.  Calm down, ok?”  I put my hands on her shoulders and rub them.  They’re tense.  They’ve been tense for weeks now.  “Just breathe.”

“I just…”  I lick my lips and wait for it ‘cause I know she’s about to start rambling.  I keep rubbing her shoulders.  “I didn’t get my period and I thought, oh fuck, ‘cause I kind of forgot to take my pills a couple nights.  And then when I got sick and was throwing up and shit it just, it freaked me out, and you’ve been so stressed out and taking it out on Courtney and Trace and everyone.  I just didn’t want to add to that.”

“What if you had been Mere?”  I drop my hands from her shoulders and lean a little to be closer to her and look more within eye line of her.  “Were you gonna keep it from me still?”

“I don’t know Justin.  I just don’t know.” She runs her hands over her face and head and turns from me and goes and falls down on her bed face first.  I just stare at her and she flips over, laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, shaking her hands above her as her feet move, toes pulling the sweatpants down over her calves instead of stuck up at her knees.  “I try to be mature about these things.  I try not to freak out.  I try to be like Courtney and not be so fucking irrational about everything, but I didn’t know what to do.”

She lets her hands fall flat on the mattress and then she pushes herself up so her head is resting on the pillows.  She glances at me and then looks down at herself. “I thought I was being rational just wading it out and waiting for my period to come, and when it didn’t, I knew I couldn’t just go blab it to everyone.  And then today when I saw my family, I just started thinking about everything and when you were with my parents, and they fucking love you, and I just started thinking about like, if this works and, and...” 

She gulps, looks at me and doesn’t look away this time.  She stares right at me and suddenly I want to be near her and I want to forget all of this.  But I can't just forget all of this.  “And if you one day become part of my family then, then I needed to know, ya know?  And I just…I couldn’t take it anymore.  But I didn’t want to stress you out.  I was sick Justin.  I was fucked up all day and I didn’t want to put you through that.”

“But Mere…”  I shake my head and walk over to the bed.  She just stares at me as I press my knees into the mattress and shuffle towards her, leaning down beside her.  I prop myself up on one elbow and look at her, “It’s not all about me.  It’s about you, too.  You shouldn’t have gone through that alone.”

“I had Megan and Courtney.”

I laugh quietly and lean in a little, “But what about me? Do I not count?”

We stare at each other for a good minute before she rubs her hands over her face and says through them, “I’m insane, aren’t I?  You hate me, don’t you?”

“Yeah…” I say, and put my hand on her belly.  I can’t help but wonder what she’d look like ya know, all pregnant and stuff.  I force myself to stop thinking that way.  “You’re a little nuts right now, but I don’t hate you.  I can't hate you, Mere.”  She moves her hands away from her face and brings one down to my hand on her stomach and touches it.  It feels good and I lean down and rest my head on her pillow.  We’re close now and I feel better about everything somehow.  I guess, I guess just being close to her does that for me.

“We still need to work on this, though.  This isn't over or anything.  We’ve both got a big, big problem of worrying way too much about what the other one is going to feel or think.  I’m always trying to protect you.  I think that’s why I go crazy over Courtney.  I just have all this hyper energy where I just want to make sure nothing ever hurts you, and I take it out on her.  And I know Mere.  It’s not fair.  I’m kind of ashamed of some of the shit I’ve done the past few weeks.”

She looks at me and immediately turns up on her side so we’re facing each other.  Her hand is still touching mine and I suddenly feel her feet rubbing against mine.  She pouts when she realizes I still have my sneakers on.

“Mere…"  I work to pull them off, pulling down the heel with my toe.  "At the same time I feel like you’re sacrificing yourself to please me.  You put me before yourself in every situation.”

Her big, brown eyes stare into mine and she shakes her head a little, whispering, “Isn’t that what love is?”

“Shit Meredith…”  I can’t help it and I put my arms around her and pull her into my chest.  I roll back on my back and hold her there against my side.  “It is girl, but it’s also about me not making you do that.  It's about us supporting each other, sharing everything together.  As horrible and stressful and fucked up today was for you, I…I needed to share that with you.  I need to be apart of the stressful stuff, too Meredith.  Love isn't just about all the good times and sex and cuddles and shit…”

 I look down at the top of her head and I run my hand through her hair.  She’s washed it since the show.  It’s silky and smooth, not sticky with hairspray and tangled with curls.   “It’s about trusting and being there for each other when the horrible shit does happen.”

She doesn’t say anything, but soon after a while, I feel her hand fisting my shirt. When I look down at the top of her head, I can see her body shaking a little.  I hear her sniff and feel a bit of hot wetness seep through my shirt into my skin. 

My eyebrows furrow and I crane my neck down and to the side to try to see her face, but she’s hiding it from me.  I can hear her now, crying softly into my chest.  “Baby, please don’t cry…” 

“I can’t help it,” she mumbles.

I don’t know what to do.  I want to say I don’t know why she’s getting so emotional.  But, but I know why.  I’m holding it in myself.  I’m trying to be strong for her but I know we’re both stressed beyond capacity right now.  She’s tired, I’m tired.  And I know her mind is running as fast as mine is. 

She’s picturing it, me and her with kids.  She’s wondering if that’ll happen.  She’s wondering if it’s possible. 

She’s wondering if she wants to subject kids to our lifestyle.  I pull her tighter ‘cause I know, I just know that she’s wondering if I want kids with her.  She’s wondering if I’m scared of it, if I’m freaked the fuck out.

Because even though Meredith has never, ever said it to me, I just know she’s the type that all her life she’s wanted to be a mom…somehow, someway.  And I know it'll kill her if I ever told her I never wanted kids.

“Can I tell you something?” I say to her softly.  I try to pull her up a little against me so I can look at her, but she won’t budge.

I sigh and run my hands over her hair and back, and I cover her hand that’s still clutching in my shirt.  “It…” I take a deep breath and say slowly, “It wouldn’t be horrible.”

She sniffs and shifts to look up at me with glassy, red eyes. “What?”

“A baby…”  I pause, “with you.” 

Her face doesn’t move except for her mouth to slowly open, just slightly.  “I’m no where fucking near ready for that and I know you aren’t either.  And if you were pregnant, I’d be a basket case right now. But…” I pull on her again, and this time she lets me move her.  I pull her up against me higher and I roll to my side again so I can face her.  I touch the side of her face and smile at her as a tear slips from her eye, trailing across the bridge of her nose and dropping into the pillow case.

“But I’d get over it.  And I’d love it and you…even more than I do now. Meredith…” I sigh and I grip the side of her face, wiping under her eye with my thumb, staring at her, trying to let her know and see what I mean.  “A year ago I didn’t want that.  I didn’t think I’d ever be ready for that kind of life, but now…with you, I can see it.”

“Really?”  It’s a small, quiet whisper.

“It scares me to death.  But it’s still there.  And this, this whole situation has made me see that we need to work on us, on our relationship, so that…so that it will last that long.”

She starts to smile and I feel my heart swell.  I stroke her cheek and her eyes close slowly.  The crying has made her tired, and she’s beautiful, even with eyes red and snot stains on the neck and hem of her tank top.

“Can I tell you something else?” I say and she nods, snuggling her head in the pillow, eyes still closed.  “We’ve talked about this before and I know you say you know.  I know you claim that I don’t have to show it or say it, but it’s clear to me now that I’ve made you feel like this is more important to you than it is to me."  She opens her eyes.  "I’ve made you feel second to a lot of other shit in my life.  It’s a big problem with me, it always has been.  I’m a workaholic Meredith, and I have a very big issue with putting work before people I care about.”

“It’s ok Justin.  I know that.  I don’t blame you or get mad-”

I cut her off and can't help it when I hold her face and press my lips against hers.  I leave my forehead against hers and I whisper against her lips, “You…”  I kiss her again just softly and say, “You Meredith, are the most important thing in my life.”  Her eyes are a little wide and shocked when I pull away and I can tell she’s going to start tearing up again.  I just shake my head at her.  “See…I don’t tell you that enough.  I don’t make you believe it.  Fucking believe it girl.  I can’t…I can’t do this without you.  It scares the shit out of me.  I’ve never felt like this before.  I’ve fucking been in love, I’ve done all that shit.  But not this….not this…”

I feel her arms wrap around me, one over my side and her other curls up in between us and she says into my neck, “The only fucking thing I want in this world is for you to be happy.  And you’ve been so stressed lately, I just…”

“You make me happy, Meredith,”  I say against her hair and pull her so she’s back laying on me and I’m on my back.  “Our lives are stressful.  That’s just how it is.  But you make it not so bad.  You’re the only girl I’ve been with that’s made it better and not worse.  Even right now.  Even when we’re both crying on…”  I twist a little and feel a lump against my back.  I reach behind me and pull whatever it is and bring it in front of me.  It’s a dingy, dirty Dalmatian stuffed animal missing one ear and his nose is half chewed off.  “Who is this?”

“Mr. Spot.” 

“Even when Mr. Spot has to console us, it’s better.”

She touches his head and then takes him from me and clutches him in her hand, still clutching onto me.  “DeeDee took his ear off.”

It’s quiet again and I just watch her, resting her chin against my sternum, staring at Mr. Spot who she holds upright against the other side of me on the bed.  Sometimes when I look at her I think, how can someone who’s been in this business for so long be so naïve?  And then sometimes I realize she just…she hasn’t let it harden her.  She’s ignored it; she’s remained the bubbly, country girl from bum fuck Georgia.

And I fucking love that about her.

I just gotta remember to be patient with her and to realize even though she’s 24, even though she’s been through shit in her life, she’s still growing up.  And instead of getting on her for that, I need to help her through it.

“Meredith…”  She darts her eyes from Mr. Spot to me.  I close mine and say quietly, but firmly, “Don’t ever keep something from me again. Never anything that big.”

“I won't.”  I feel her shift against me, and she rests her head against my shoulder. Her hand is against the side of my head, touching the hair there.  “I promise.”  And when she says it, I fucking believe it.  I do.

I turn and look at her and she’s close to me, and she’s smiling just a bit. I smile back at her.  “And I promise no matter how big or small or stupid or insane it is, we’ll fix it ok? But just let me know about it, no matter what else is going on in my life or my career or anything.”

She pouts. “I’m sorry I’m stupid and kept it from you.”

“You’re not stupid, Meredith.  You’re not.  I think we’re just both way over sensitive about each other and our relationship.  I think it's just so intense for both of us that we’re scared something's going to happen to fuck it up.  I trust you and you trust me, right?”  She nods. “Then let's try to work on trusting what we have.  We need to be more open with each other, ok?”

She nods again but then pushes herself up into a sitting position beside me.  She crosses her legs and looks down at her hands in her lap.  She glances at me once and then looks back down at her fingers.  “I don’t want to pull this card out ‘cause I hate playing the "you do it, too" game.  But Justin…”  She sighs and looks at me,  “You're not very open with me either.  I know there's shit going on with you and Trace and, and yourself and you won't tell me.”

“I know…I know I’m to blame for being closed off.  I’m sorry about that. I just, I don’t know what's going on Mere, and it scares me.”  

I breathe deep.  I really, really don’t want to get into this with her right now.  I’m already drained and I feel like we should push that off for another night and concentrate on me and her.  But if she wants to know what I’m feeling, I guess… I guess she’s right.

“I feel…I feel like Trace is almost tired of being my friend, if that makes sense.  I know I’m not an easy person to be around.  I know I’m selfish as hell and he’s put up with it for so, so long, and I just feel like maybe he’s fed up with it. Like he’s got this clothing line project he’s working on, but he won’t tell me much about it.  I wanna help him, ya know?  'Cause I can.  It’s hard to just start up a new business and expect for it to go well.  I wanna help, but he doesn’t even want that.  He won't talk to me about his girlfriend and I know that’s because I’m an ass to her, and I’m…and I’m gonna try to stop, Mere.  I really am.”

She picks up one of my hands and holds it, running her fingers in between mine.  “I just feel like maybe I’ve gone too far now.  Maybe I’ve done some things he can't forgive.  Maybe it's too late and maybe it's gone on too long.  He fucking punched me Meredith, and…and I want to be able to forgive him for that.  But how in the hell can I forgive him when we don’t even talk anymore?”

“He still wants to be your friend Justin.  I know he does.  I think he feels like you got me now and you hate his girlfriend and it's…it's difficult.”  I look at her and she smiles at me, and it's fucking breathtaking. 

Shit, I can do this with her, ya know?

I could fucking see myself….stop it Justin.

“It’ll work out,” she says.

I hold her hand and clasp it instead of how she was playing with my fingers. “We’re going to work out, too Meredith…”

She smiles again and I can’t stop staring at her. 

And I can’t help myself.  I reach up to her shoulder and neck and pull her down, leaning up, pushing myself up on my other elbow and meeting her lips with my own.  I kiss her, and this time I do it deeply, tasting her, warm and sweet.  She kisses me back with a little shyness, but when I pull away she’s still smiling.  “You’re my everything,” I say against her lips.

Before I know it she’s laying down beside me and we’re making out, legs tangled, her hand on the back of my head, fisting the hair there. Her lips are wild against mine and I can’t hold back. 

She feels too good, tastes too good, and…and right now I fucking need her.

“Justin…”  She moans and I roll over and pin her underneath me, pressing myself into her lap.  I hope she can feel that.  I hope she can feel me and know what she does to me.  She sighs and I rub my lips over her jaw bone and down against her neck.  My hands go down her sides and push up the material there.  I touch warm, smooth skin, all the way up to her breasts, and I cover them with my hands. She shifts her hips against mine.

I feel her lips against my ear and she says softly, “Make love to me.”

And I groan and stop.  I stop and I wait and I’m not sure why.

I pull back slightly and whisper against her face, “Are you sure?”

“I need you,” she pleads with me and pulls me down against her, holding me around my shoulders.  “God after today I need you…this…”  She presses her lips against my neck and sighs against my skin, “…so, so much.”

I let her hold me until the feel of her breath and lips on my neck gets to be too much.  I pull back from her on all fours and push myself off her and off the bed.  I shuffle over to the door, knowing I have a goofy grin on my face now that I know she wants me to be with her.  Now that this has been talked about.  Now that I know…I know we can make it.

I put my hand against the knob to make sure it’s closed and move to lock it.  But there’s not a lock and I call to her, “You don’t have a lock on your door.”

“They won’t come in.”  I pass her a look and she smiles and pushes herself up a little on the bed, staring at me.  “Momma and I talked about it earlier.  I asked her where you were going to sleep and she said, ‘I don’t want to embarrass you, but me and your father know you are a big girl now, so we figured you could make that decision yourself.’  I was mortified.” 

I stand there at the end of the bed and stare at her as she twists her body to reach and turn the light off.  I stare at her in the dark, letting my eyes adjust to the blackness of her room.  But I can see her, a bit of moon light or something is shining through the curtains against her window, and I can see the outline of her body laying there, waiting for me.

I pull on the neck of my t shirt and pull it over my head, letting it drop on the floor. I hear her sigh and watch as she pushes herself up against her knees on the bed and I can’t help it.  I follow her actions and kneel on the bed, shuffling towards her, reaching out to her and wrapping her in my arms.  I kiss her and kiss her.  I hold her tight and then touch her face, moving my fingers down her arms and then to her back, stuffing them down the material of her sweat pants, holding her firm little ass there and pushing her into me. 

Her hands are on my shoulders, keeping me against her, keeping our mouths touching and craving, searching each other completely.  I pull my mouth from hers because I feel like I’m getting too eager kissing her like that.  I move in to kiss her neck, pulling my hands from her pants and moving to her sides, bunching up the tank top there.

“I love you…” I say against her neck. 

I feel her hands skim down my arms and back up.  Then those tiny fingers touch my chest and she whispers, “And I love your skin….” 

I smile against her and pull back a little, holding onto her shirt, “Lift up…”  She raises her arms over her head and I lift the shirt from her skin and immediately touch her full breasts. 

She kisses me again and we wind up on the bed.  I kiss her and touch her and she shimmies out of her sweat pants and underwear.  It’s quiet and rushed and she kneels beside me, working on the fly of my pants, tugging down.  I push them and my boxers down to my knees and kick them off the rest of the way.

We haven’t even pulled back the bedding and here we are, kissing, naked, wrapped up in each other, completely silent except for heavy breaths and her “ohhs”.  I touch her skin all over, down over her heaving breasts to her hip and in between.  I touch her there and she sucks in a breath.  She’s wet for me.

Shit, she’s so wet. 

I can’t help myself and I scoot as close as possible to her and pull on her thigh, pulling it up and over my hip.  We’re close and I’m breathing in her breaths.

“Justin…”  She sighs.  I press myself against her. I can feel it on me down there, my dick pressing into her, getting wet, getting hot, sliding and rubbing against her center.  It’s, fuck, it’s so slick.

“May I?” I whisper against her lips.

She sighs and pushes into me, her nipples hard and pushing into my chest. Then one of her arms curves around my back.  My arm’s over her thigh, holding onto her ass, holding her against me.  “You always ask permission.”  She smiles.  “You don’t have to ask permission.  Ever.  It’s yours Justin…”  She shifts against me and I reach down to hold myself so I can push my dick against her body, searching for her opening, finding it and sliding in.  She hisses, “All yours…”  And I swallow the lump in my throat. 

Holy…

I grip her thigh and keep it high up over my hip.  I’m holding on for dear life, holding on to her.  I start slowly moving in her.  I’m barely in her, just moving in and out, the tip of me staying in, only half of me going in.  Still, still it feels like heaven.  And she kisses me and her fingers touch my spine, skimming over the ridges up to my neck and back down. 

God…

I kiss her still, not letting her go, our lips touching, our tongues coming out to play, pulling back to tease each other, dipping in to fully taste.

And I can’t help myself.  It’s too much and I need more.  It feels so good just barely going in her, moving slow and gripping her smooth skin, but I need her.  I need all of her.

I need to be all the way inside. 

I move my hand up her back and keep kissing her, but I roll over on top of her and push myself up a little against my forearms.  I sink deeper and she sighs beneath me and looks up into my eyes. It’s still dark in this room and I can still barely see her, but her eyes are shining at me.  And she’s happy. 

She bends and moves her legs on either side of me and runs her hand up my back into my hair. We both groan when I seem to fall deeper into her at the movement of her legs.  I’m all the way in now, all the fucking way…

“Don’t ever…”  I lean and kiss her and press my forehead against hers, sighing into her face, “ever keep something from me again.” It starts to happen and I hate it.  At first I feel pathetic and stupid, but when I look into her eyes, I realize that it’s ok to feel this way.  It’s ok for me to be emotional about today, about what happened, about…about what could have fucking happened.

And being inside her, all the way inside her, knowing that one day I might do this with her and it might really, actually happen, makes me unable to control myself. I lean down into the pillow beside her head and I say harsh, choking out, “It hurts too much when you don’t let me in…”

I start to cry.  I don’t sob, I’m not that pathetic.  But I do cry just a little.  I wipe my face against the pillow and breathe there, feeling her all around me, squeezing me down there, holding me tight with her hands against my back and head. 

She turns to me and I lift my head a little and sniff, looking at her.  She’s smiling at me, and she moves her hand down my head and strokes the back of my neck, blinking slowly.

“Then let me in, too.”

And I do.  I keep my head against her pillow.  I just close my eyes and concentrate on how she feels.  Her hips start to shift and slightly rock against mine.  And I hold on.  I lay on top of her and I hold her, but she’s the one doing this to me.  She’s the one loving me.

I try not to let my emotions crash down on me again.  I try to keep myself in check and I do a pretty good job, but it’s hard, it becomes so hard when I can hear her beneath me, sighing and saying my name softly.  I start to move with her and it feels…perfect.  This is where I’m supposed to be, with her, in her…always.

No matter what’s happened to us or what will happen to us, I know with all of my fucking heart that she loves me and nothing is going to change that.  Nothing.  Every other girl I was with there was a fear I’d fuck up.  I did fuck up, and shit would grow and grow until it was uncontrollable and over.

But Meredith will let me mess up.  She’ll let me make mistakes and she still loves me.  She still fucking loves me.

And I still love her.  Even though she lied to me and even though she tried to keep this from me.  I still love her.  And I’m not going to stop.

 I can’t.