Atlanta, 2:30 p.m.

I think I’m pregnant.  Like, not just an, “oh it could happen,” like I really might be pregnant.  Truly and seriously.  I’ve been wondering this for a few days because I’ve been nauseous and sick and well, I fucking haven’t gotten my period in 2 fucking weeks.  I’ve never been this late and I’m on birth control.

Which should null the point right?  Well, I kind of forgot to take it a couple nights.  Like maybe 4 or 5 in a row, during that time when me and Justin were in Vegas and having a crazy time together.  Having lots of hard, hard sex.  Like, what if I really am?

But I can’t because I’ve taken my birth control everyday for the past week and if I was pregnant that would mess it up and make it not happen right?  Right?

Oh shit.

When we came into Atlanta last night I was happy and excited.  I saw my parents and my puppy and a couple old friends are gonna come to the show tonight and my dad is in love with Justin and my mom is just my mom, just sweet and southern and normal.  Justin didn’t stay at my parents house last night ‘cause he had an early interview this morning, but I stayed there and Megan did and so did her boyfriend Josh.  Poor thing, I think he got grilled more than Justin did by my dad.

And it wasn’t until this morning when I woke up feeling a little sick and went to the bathroom to pee and realized how late I really was that it all hit me.  I mean I’ve been thinking it.  But it wasn’t until that moment that I decided I had to do something.  That I couldn’t just label it a “maybe” and it would disappear.

I was driving myself insane. 

Teddy’s staring at me as we go up the elevator and I know he thinks I’m crazy.  Hell I think I’m crazy or that I’m gonna go crazy.

I hear the familiar ring tone and sigh.  I shouldn’t answer.  I shouldn’t.  I might start breaking down if I do.  But maybe hearing his voice will make me feel better.  I was with him thirty minutes ago and I almost broke down in front of him as we were harmonizing together, making sure everything sounded ok for the show tonight.  He had just showed up from a morning of crazy interviews.  He looked tired but gorgeous in a polo shirt and jeans, sunglasses still over his eyes.  I walked straight up to him without saying hello and hugged him and he kissed me and asked me if everything was ok, pulling his glasses off and tucking them in the neck of his shirt.  I found myself staring into his eyes.  He needed more sleep, I could tell that, but there was worry there and so much love.  He’s just, he’s too sensitive to me.  And I realized right then I couldn’t wait one second longer.  I could push it away and push it away, but if I really did have a baby in me, then a few months down the road I wouldn’t be able to hide it anymore.

When I was done with my part of sound check, I left the stage immediately and went to my dressing room, locked everyone out except Courtney and I made an urgent call to Megan.  I told Courtney first what I was doing and here I am high tailing it back to her room.

She asked me if I was joking when I told her.  She laughed.  And maybe it is funny, but it was the last thing I needed right then. She sighed when she realized I wasn’t joking with her and said she would go ahead back to the room and be there waiting for me when I came.

When I called Megan, who had ran out from the venue to go grab me and her a smoothie, I told her I needed her to go to the store and get me a pregnancy test.  It was silent on the line for a good 20 seconds.  And then I heard her say, “Where do you want to meet?” and I told her what number Courtney’s room was.

Megan knew I wouldn’t joke about that.  And she also is probably as freaked out as I am.  We do that lot.  We tend to freak out about the other one’s problems, which is good and bad.  Bad because sometimes we get so lost in freaking out we don’t ever get the problem resolved.  But at least you have someone there with you.  At least you don’t feel so alone.

I press a button on my phone and bring it to my ear.  “Hey.”

“Are you alright?”  I could live in his voice normally.  Just find a nice little spot on his voice and curl up and snooze, like a dog or cat will do on a couch.    But this tone, this concerned, almost whiney tone makes my nerves on end.  He’s got too much going on to be worried about me and whether or not I’m pregnant.

“Yeah, I’m fine,”  I lie.

He sighs over the phone and I can hear a lot of echoing background noise.  He’s still out in the venue, probably on stage or right off of it.  Dammit. He shouldn’t have stopped his sound check to call me. “You don’t sound fine, Mere.  Are you feeling ok?”

He’s giving me the father lecture voice again.  Or maybe it’s just Justin’s I’m-worried-as-fuck-about-you voice.  I’ve heard it a lot lately.  In fact, I never really heard it before, just with the paparazzi thing at my house, but now, ever since I threw up, I hear it at least once every day.

“Yeah, yeah.” I sigh.  My stomach ache is making my brain hurt and I feel like I need to lie down.  “Megan has some emergency she needs to talk to me about.  Something about her and Josh I think.  So ya know, since she’s in town I figure I should be a good friend and discuss.”

“Right.”  He doesn’t sound so sure and I hope to god I can keep this up.  I feel like I might just start crying.  He’s silent and after a while he says sternly, “You promise you’re ok?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and pray that the elevator will make me lose service. But it doesn’t happen.  I manage to squeak out, “I’m fine.”

“When are you gonna be back?”

The doors open to the elevator and I walk out in front of Teddy.  “I don’t know.  I’ll call you in a little bit, ok?”

I turn right, hoping I remember the number to Courtney’s room correctly.  God I hope I told Megan the right room number.

He sighs again, and this time it’s quiet and it’s chock full of emotion when he says my name. “Meredith…”

I stop in the middle of the hallway and clench my fist.  I’m not mad, I just…dammit, I can’t deal with this right now.  Maybe I should have just told him from the start.

But I can’t.  I can’t, can’t, can’t put him through that.  “Justin…serious, stop worrying.  Do your sound check and I’ll call ya in a bit.”

“Love you.” He says quietly.

“You too.”  I snap the phone shut and keep walking. 

I roll my eyes because I can anticipate Teddy’s annoying, deep voice before he even speaks.  Sure enough a few paces down the hall and he says, “You know, I hate it when you lie to me.  I’m sure he doesn’t like it either.”

I stop in front of Courtney’s room, turn and stare at him. “Teddy.”

He raises his hands and looks around for a moment before stepping closer.  “Look, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on.  But if something serious is going down with you I need to know.  Someone needs to know.  You’ve already scared me one too many times this tour and it’s just halfway through.”

But what if you don’t know if it’s serious? I want to say.  A false alarm isn’t serious.  A baby is.

“It’s just girl stuff, ok?  Nothing you’d be interested in.”  It’s not a complete lie but I know he can see right through me.

He crosses his arms over his chest and says, “I really hate you sometimes.”

My phone buzzes in my hand and I look down to see a text from Megan saying she’s at the elevator right now, on her way up.  Thank god.

I look back up at him and force a smile. “Go to your room and take a nap.  I’ll call ya in a bit when I’m ready to go back to the venue.”

“You know your parents are there waiting.”

God keep adding onto my guilt why don’t ya?  I told them me and Courtney had to go over some contract stuff and appointments and we accidentally left it at her room.  They seemed to understand.  They always understand.  My parents are fucking great.

And, and if I went to them and told them they were going to be grandparents, honestly I don’t think they’d be upset about it.  They’d sit me and Justin down and probably have a good long talk about it, but they wouldn’t lecture me about morals or demand that I’d have to get married.

But….but I’d want to get married.

I wish I could just stop my brain.  It’s going at a top speed, spitting out idea after idea after idea, but not giving me time to stop and really, really think and comprehend anything. 

“Teddy, I know ok.”  He can tell I’m getting annoyed with him and I think he’s just as annoyed with me.  He waves his hand at me and I pull the key out of my back jeans pocket that Court gave me earlier and I slide it in the slot and watch the light turn green. 

Teddy manages a weak, “call me if you need me,” and I enter the room.

I close the door behind me and rest against it for a moment before turning around and seeing Courtney there, clicking away at her laptop on the table at the end of the room.  It’s just a regular hotel room instead of a suite like we normally get.  I guess ‘cause I’m not here. She glances up at me and then back down at her computer. “Dammit Courtney, what am I going to do?”

She sighs and closes her laptop, leaning back against the chair. “Nothing until you take the test.  You need to calm down.  You being all nervous isn’t a good thing.  Especially if you are pregnant.”

“Shh!”  I say.  She can’t say it out loud!!  She…she just can’t.

“Well what?  It’s a possibility.”

“Fucking shit Courtney!”  I pace in the small space and pull at my hair.  I wish I was a smoker.  I could smoke right now; it’d give me something to do.

But I can’t. 

‘Cause I might be pregnant.  God fucking damn!

“I can’t be pregnant!  I just can’t!”

She looks at me and shrugs. “If you are then get an abortion.”

My mouth drops. I…I’ve never thought about it and I’m sure Justin wouldn’t want me to abort his child.  I don’t know maybe he would.  I don’t even know if he wants children.  I mean he acts like he might, but not anytime soon.  God, not right now!  “Are you serious right now!?”

She smacks her hands against her thighs and leans forward on the chair, “What do you want me to say Meredith?  I don’t know your beliefs on it.  You might be pregnant, you might not.  There’s no point freaking out until you have something to base it on, like a pregnancy test.”

I roll my eyes.  God I need Megan here.  Why the hell did I even think Courtney would be able to figure this out with me?  I don’t know.  God fucking dammit!  I don’t need a lecture right now!  I don’t need her snotty, ‘better than thou’ attitude.  Acting like she’s so fucking mature.  What she is is so fucking cold.  Just a cold, cold bitch.  I start feeling stupid for even sticking up for her with Justin.  “Right, like I can just fucking shut my mind off.  This…this could ruin everything and you just don’t give a damn, do you?”

Suddenly she’s standing up, walking towards me, her eyes narrowed. “Didn’t you tell me thirty minutes ago when you bomb shelled me with it that you’ve thought about this for a week now?  I mean, you should have had time to process it right?”

“This is not what I need to hear right now!” I yell at her.

“What do you want me to say?  I’m not…I’m not good at this sort of thing.  And I can’t really say anything until I know what the results are. I’m sorry Mere, I’m not trying to be cold.  I just don’t know what to say.”

There’s a loud rapping on the door and I don’t even look through the peep hole.  I know damn well who it is.  I sling open the door and Megan barges in with a thin plastic bag.  She looks frazzled and she shoves the bag at me.

“I-I didn’t know what kind to get. There’s like fucking 5 million so I just got the most expensive assuming it’s the best.  I hope that’s ok.”

“Yes, god yes…” I grip the bag and pull her tight against me and I start to cry.  I just burst into tears against her shoulder.  She’s holding me back tight, too.

And when she says, “We’ll be ok? Whatever happens.”  I know she’s about to cry with me.

I cry into her shoulder hard.  God I’m so fucking glad she’s here.  I mean, at least she’s with me, right?  This could be happening in fucking Seattle and she wouldn’t be here.  “I can’t be Megan.  I just…”

She pulls back and grabs the bag from me and pulls out the little white and pink box. “Let’s take it right now and stop this torture because I’m about to pee my pants!”  She says with a nervous laugh.

I look at the box but I don’t touch it as she looks over the outside, rotating it in her fingers.  “Do you know how it works?”

“Give it here.”  I hear and the next thing I know Courtney is beside us with her hand held out.  Megan pulls the box into her chest protectively, and we both look at her like she’s crazy.  She was just being a bitch, she’s not about to boss me around with my own pregnancy test!   “What?”  She sighs.  “Look, I’ve taken one before.  They’re mostly all the same but sometimes the directions can be different.”

“You’ve taken one?”  I ask and Megan hands over the box to her.

“Years ago.” She says without emotion.  Her?  Pregnancy test?  She seems like she would be too organized for that.  She’d be too prepared with a condom and a diaphragm and spermicide, just in case.   She’s looking all over the thing and her eyes stop on the back and her lips mouth over the instructions on the back before she walks towards the bathroom, waving for us to follow her. “Come on…”

When we get in there it’s crowded and hot. And she has pulled out this little stick that looks like a thermometer and is glancing over a little booklet of information.

She puts the paper down on the counter by the sink and picks up the tester and shows it to me.  “You’re gonna pee on this end ok?  And then you close this over and you have to wait for it to read for like 10 minutes or something.”

I nod and Courtney places the stick in my hand and goes to leave.  Megan follows her.  I’m still staring at the thing in my hands when I look up and say to Megan, who’s got the door halfway closed behind her, “Megan, will you stay?”

She comes in and shuts the door and I hope Courtney doesn’t feel bad.  She’d probably feel weird being in here while I pee anyway.  I go over to the toilet and pull down my jeans and panties while I sit down on the seat and hold the tester in one hand and I wait. 

Megan is leaning against the door looking at the ceiling.  She starts to ramble. “I don’t even know what I said to Josh. I just told him it was an emergency ritual thing we did where when we were together we randomly had to freak out and meet each other.  I know he didn’t buy it but I was panicking and didn’t know what excuse I could give him to leave him at the fucking venue by himself.”

I lean forward, my elbow against my bare thigh, my hand on my cheek, holding up my head. “I’m so sorry Megan.”

“It’s ok.  I think he and Trace or Marty or someone went to do something.”

I sigh and look over at her and her eyes meet mine. “I can’t pee.”

She walks over to the sink, “I’ll turn on the water.”

She flips the faucet and I try, I really do.  But nothing will come out. “God what if I can’t pee!”

“Just relax.” I look at her and she rolls her eyes and laughs a little, “I know it’s a pathetic thing to say, but just try.”

It’s quiet and I don’t know why but after several seconds, when I finally do start to pee, I start to laugh. “Oh thank god…” I say.  Megan’s laughing with me.  I guess it is funny.  But I’m not happy. I guess I’m laughing because I just don’t know what else to do.  I try to move the little stick under the stream and pull it away and close the cover over it and finish peeing. 

I set the test on the counter beside me and Megan’s messing with her phone.  I get some toilet paper and when I’m done I pull up my pants and flush the toilet, watching my pee go down the drain.  It’s probably a weird thing to think, but that’s the pee that’s going to tell me whether I’m pregnant or not with Justin’s baby and it just goes away…just disappears into the sewer like nothing.

I hope it is just nothing.

I sigh and look at Megan, who’s staring at me.   “Justin called on the way up here.”

She tilts her head a little. “Mere…” 

The look she’s giving me I know.  It’s the, “dammit Meredith why are you doing this” look.   She thinks I should tell him.  And I probably should.  But I’m not about to call him up and go, “Hey Justin, I might be pregnant, yeah I’ve been thinking it for about two  weeks now and I’m taking a test, I’ll know in about 10 minutes, you want me to call you back?”

I don’t think so.

And I guess that, in a way, is where most of my stress is coming from, the uncertainty of how he would take all of this.  Like, I know Justin’s a nice guy and I know he loves me.  But I also know that his career is the most important thing to him, besides maybe his family.  And he’s getting such amazing buzz over his new record and it’s going to drop in almost a month and I just, he can’t handle this now!  I know he can’t.

This is the last thing he needs.

I have a headache.  “I can’t Megan.  He’ll fucking flip out on me.”

She shakes her head and laughs a little bit, “He’ll fucking flip out if you’re pregnant.  But he’ll also flip out if you aren’t and you hid the possibility from him.  You need to breathe.  And stop stressing out about what he’s going to do.”

She’s right.  I know she’s right.  And that’s why I hope it’s negative and I hope he’ll never find out.  It’s just…it’s better for him to not know. 

But what if he does find out?   I can feel myself panic and when I glance in the mirror I look scary, pale, wide eyed and terrified.  “Well it’s a little too late for me to tell him now!”

“Shhh, shhh…”  Megan comes over and hugs me again and I start to cry, again.  “It’s ok.”

I can’t stop.  She’s running her hand over my head and keeps shushing me but I keep crying and crying, sobbing into her shoulder

I guess I’m being loud or maybe she’s just concerned but soon there’s a light knock on the door and Courtney asks, “Are you guys ok?”

Megan opens the door and Courtney slides in. “She took it.”

“Mere…”  She sighs and opens her arms a little and I don’t know why, but I leave Megan and hug Courtney.  I honestly think this is the first hug she’s ever given me besides when she sort of hugged me while I was puking after the show.  I stop crying though and she says softly, “I’m sorry I was a bitch earlier.  We’ll figure it out, we got like less than 8 minutes to go and we’ll figure it out.”

I pull back and look at them.  “So what do I do for 8 minutes?”

“You completely freak out.” Megan says laughing.  I just stare at her and turn to lean back against the sink and look at myself in the mirror.  “Ok, so I’ll tell you about what Josh and I did this weekend.  He took me to this sushi bar club thing and I’m like oh this will be cool.  So, did you know they sometimes serve sushi on people?  He said it was because I’m so kinky he brought me there but I was like, dude you’re the kinky one of the group bringing me to a human sushi bar.  Just gross.”

I don’t have much makeup on right now because I didn’t have many interviews today, just a real quick one at one of the local radio stations in Atlanta that’s always been really good to me.  I hope they didn’t notice I was off.  Usually I’m always cutting up with those guys, but this morning I just felt out of it.  Right now I look old as my eyes move over my features in the mirror, but I’m too young to have a kid. Which is funny ‘cause there’s like a billion 15 year old girls out there pregnant and here I am mid twenties and complaining. 

Maybe I’d be different if I weren’t on tour.  Or if it weren’t Justin’s.

But…but I want it to be him.   I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.

Courtney says, “I thought he was the virgin.”

“Oh honey, been there, done that, gotten over it.  Totally not a virgin.”

“Alright then!” I’m a little amazed when I see Courtney lift up her hand and hive five Megan.  Where is this girl when I’m around?  Why is she so cold and rigid with me, yet fun with Megan?  Am I that annoying? 

I stare at them.  I wish Justin were here.  I should have told him.  I should have told him five days ago when I was already almost a week late.  I should have said, “Baby I’m late…and I don’t know what to do,” and I should have told him about me forgetting my pills and we should have done this together.

But it’s too late now.

“What about you and Trace?  Are you all finally official and shit?”

“I guess.” Courtney shrugs.  And I feel sick, really sick.  I grip the counter and try to turn on the faucet so I can splash my face a little.  “Mere….”

I look down at the drain.  Sometimes I wish I were made of water, so I could just sink down it and be forgotten.  Like my pee.  “I think I might pass out.”

“No…”  Megan is holding onto my shoulders and immediately gets her hand under the faucet and covered in cold water and then presses it to my forehead.  “No you don’t!”

I have really low blood pressure and I’ve passed out before with her and even though she knows what to do to prevent it or to wake me up, it always scares the shit out of her.

“Stop it Mere.”  Megan says to me and I look up and see both of them staring right at me through the mirror. Megan’s hand is now on my cheeks, “You are going to be fine about this.  He’s not an asshole, Mere.  It’s not like if you are pregnant he’s gonna dump you and be an ass about it.”

I fall limp against her and try my best to breathe, but I feel like I just can’t suck in enough oxygen no matter what I do.  “I can’t put him through this.  God dammit Megan, it’ll kill him.”

Courtney raises her hands in the air and squeezes them like she’s frustrated.  “Stop thinking about Justin!  Look, I know me and him don’t have the best track record, so coming from me this probably doesn’t mean anything to you.  But Meredith, this is you, this is your body if the thing comes out positive.  I’m sorry but, but fuck Justin!  You gotta do what’s right for you!”

Of course she would say that.  Of course she would.

And I can’t really be mad at her because she’s just trying to look out for me, I guess.  I guess she’s all into that independent woman shit.  But I’m not.  I’m not like that at all. 

She just doesn’t get it.  She doesn’t get it that if I am pregnant I can’t just do what makes me happy.  God, it’s his fucking child, too!  It’s not all about me!  It’s about him and me, together.  About the baby inside of me.

Shit, that makes me feel nauseous.  I can’t have a baby in me.  I just can’t.  Not right now.  He’s not ready right now.  I’m not…I don’t think.

“It’s just….I wouldn’t mind it.  Ya know…”  I feel panicky again and I know my voice is whiney, but I don’t care.  “If I was like 5 years older and we were still together.  I’d…I’d be happy.”

“Girl…” Megan says and passes me a sympathetic look.

“It’s just not fucking fair.”  I turn and face them and smack my hand against the counter.  “I can’t handle this right now and I know he can’t.  But if, if I am pregnant, I can’t just get rid of it because it’s…ours.  It’s me and Justin’s and I love him and, and…and I don’t know. I don’t make any sense.”

Megan laughs a little bit and looks at her watch. “Keep freaking out, you only have 4 minutes left.”

“Shut up.” I push at her shoulder, but in a way it kind of makes me feel better.

She grabs the hand that pushed her and holds it, swinging it a little.  “It’s the truth!  It’s taking up time that would be spent staring at the clock and hyperventilating.”

I look over at Courtney and she’s standing there looking at her hand and biting at her cuticles a little.  “Court, why won’t you talk to me?”

Her eyes raise to mine mid bite, “What?”

I figure I should bring this to her attention now, now that she’s here and now that Megan’s here to be my support and now that there’s nothing else to hold us back.  I’m stressed out about the rest of the world, so I might as well bring this to her attention too. “I need you to be my assistant, yes.  But I also need you to be a surrogate Megan, so that when she’s not around you can be here for me.  I want to be your friend and I feel like you despise me.”

“I am your friend.” She says weakly.

“A minute ago is the first time you’ve mentioned you and Trace as a couple in front of me.”

“Mere….” She sighs, “This moment isn’t about me and Trace.”

“God Court if this happened to you and Trace I’d want to help you out and be your friend.”

All she can do is shrug and I know I’m hitting something with her.  She’s right though, this moment isn’t about her.  But in a way it is.  I mean if she had been my friend and had been cool from the beginning maybe, just maybe she and Justin would have gotten along and then when I was late I wouldn’t feel weird telling anyone, I would have told her and Justin wouldn’t have been stressed out so I would have told him and everything would be fine, just fucking fine.

Maybe.

I’m a bitch.  I shouldn’t blame her for my fucking problems.

“I’m sorry.  I know I’ve been distant.  I’m just not really good at friendships.”

“Well, I’m not really good at people not being friends with me so suck it up and try harder.”  I’m glaring at her now, hard.  My jaw is locked and I feel like slamming something.

“Here…”  We both look over at Megan, who’s holding out her hands to us.  “We need to do a group session right now.” 

“Oh god…”  I roll my eyes but feel myself calm down a little. 

“What?” Courtney asks.

I shake my head and cross my arms over my chest. “She’s gonna hold our hands.”

“Just do it!” Megan stares at me and finally I drop my arms and put my hand against hers.  She swings mine and Courtney’s hands back and forth, saying in a clear voice, “Ok, from this moment on we have all bonded so we promise to be nice to each other, up front with each other, and do our best to make the other one happy.  We’re friends, all of us, some more than others, but no one lesser. Ok?”

Courtney grins at her. “You should write a book.  Self help is big nowadays.”

God when the fuck did they become best friends with each other!?

“That’s a good idea.  If this photo thing doesn’t work I’ll have to try it.”

I squeeze her hand and then drop it. I need to remind her I’m here, too.  That I’m her best friend.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know why I feel suddenly jealous of my best friend talking with my assistant.  I’m too stressed out to even make sense now.  “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about doing a shoot for you, just let me know when and I-“

A little alarm sets off on Megan’s cell phone and she gaps and I cover my mouth and Courtney just stares at me.  I didn’t even know Megan had set an alarm, but I know what it means.

“Ok…”  Courtney licks her lips and sighs, “Do you want me to look or Megan or do you want to?”

Megan backs up and puts her hands up, freaking out. “Don’t make me!  I’ll not know what it means.”

“You do it.” I say, looking at Courtney.

She immediately marches over.  There should be a build up, a look passed between us, a crescendo, or someone banging on the door or passing out.  But nothing happens like that.  She walks over, looks at the test, holds it up to us and sighs, “You’re not pregnant, Meredith.”

I burst into tears.

“Yay!! No babies!!” Megan exclaims and I sink down to the floor and just cry and cry and I can’t even tell you why I’m doing it.  I just am.  Megan is crouched down in front of me.   “Wait, you want babies?”

“I don’t know.” I wipe at my face.  I feel exhausted and relieved and lighter yet in the pit of my stomach something is tugging.  Maybe it’s hope, maybe it’s happiness, maybe...maybe it’s something I can’t understand.  Maybe part of me is sad.   “I guess I’m relieved, but….”

“You feel a little disappointed?” I look up and Courtney’s looking down at me with a knowing look, like she knows what I’m thinking and feeling.  But how could she?  Just because she’s taken a fucking pregnancy test before doesn’t mean we’re bonded and best friends.  We’re different and she couldn’t possibly understand what I’m thinking right now. 

She holds out her hand for me to take and while I feel like I should push it away and huff at her, I find myself letting her pull me up and taking her words straight to my heart and appreciating them.  “Hey, it’s alright.  You still should probably call your doctor.  I can do it for you tomorrow morning if you want.  It’s probably just because you’ve been sick and run down and your body just won’t let you have a period.”

I sniff and swallow the lump in my throat.  “Yeah, that’s probably it.”

It’s silent.  Just me sniffling and the two of them looking at me.  Courtney takes the test, puts it in the cardboard box and tosses it into the little trash can there beside the toilet. “You guys…”  I breathe out heavily.  “You can’t say anything.  It’s…it’s probably just better if no one knows, especially him.  So don’t tell Josh,” I look at Megan and then turn to Courtney, “and please don’t tell Trace.”

“I won’t.”  She nods, looking right at me.

“Please…” Megan laughs.  And when I look at her I can see the stress and worry has washed completely off her face.  In a way I think she might be more relieved than me.  “Josh wouldn’t understand anyway. He’d be like, “She took a test? Did she pass?”

Courtney laughs a little with her, but I just stand there.  I feel weird, empty, and kind of lonely. 

“I…I guess I should get back.”

“Hey…” Court says and opens the bathroom door all the way, “Why don’t you take a nap for thirty minutes and I’ll wake you up? Then I’ll get Teddy back here and we can all go back to the venue together.”

The phone that I had slid in my pocket earlier starts to ring and when I look down at it I close my eyes and sigh.  “That sounds good.”

Megan asks, “Who is it?”

“Who do you think?” I say and I pull the phone to my ear.  “Hey baby.”

“Not to sound like a broken record, but are you sure you’re ok?”

He laughs a little and it soothes my soul and makes me at ease and I follow the girls out of the bathroom. “Yes silly.”

“When you comin’ back?”  He asks with a little whine.  I guess he believed my answer this time because he doesn’t bother me with asking how I am anymore.  He’s sweet now, flirty, my happy Justin.  Courtney goes back over to her computer, sits in the chair and opens her laptop.  I go and crawl up on the bed, knocking off my flip flops.

“I’m gonna lay down a little bit and then I’ll be back.”

He moans a little in the phone and I rest my head on the pillow and relax.  It feels so good to lie down.  My eyes are tired and I know my voice is a little scratchy.  I’m surprised he hasn’t commented on it yet.  I can feel Megan slide on the bed beside me and she reaches over me to get the remote and turns the TV on with the volume low.  “I wanna lay with you.”  He says, “I was about to take a nap myself.”

“Are you gonna stay with me tonight?” I ask.

“At your parents?”

I giggle a little, his voice is mischievous, tempting. “Mine aren’t as cool as yours.  You’ll have to sneak into my room.  I think Josh is on the couch and Megan was in the guest bed last night.  Mom said you could sleep in the guest bedroom tonight and Megs could sleep with me.  Maybe in the middle of the night you guys can do a switcheroo.  I don’t know. Maybe you’ll be on the other couch in the den with Josh.”

“Your dad and mom seemed pretty cool to me.  I think you just get paranoid.  I actually was just talking to them a few minutes ago.  Your dad started talking about the Moody Blues or something and the concerts he use to go to.  Then we started talking about cars and he told me to make sure you take care of yours out in LA.  Him and Trace started debating on brands of car wax.”  He starts to laugh.

“Well I’m glad dad is making friends with everyone.  But you gotta understand I’m not paranoid. I’m just their only daughter and their house isn’t as big as other people’s. And they don’t have like 5 bazillion rooms for people to sleep in so it kind of gets nerve-wracking.”

He laughs again and then his voice lowers.  There was background noise, and now there’s none, so I guess maybe he’s moved into his dressing room. “So I guess I’m gonna have to sneak out and maybe give your room a special knock.  I use to have to do that shit when I was like 16.  You’re gonna make me feel all kinky like I might get in trouble or something.” He pauses and then whispers huskily into the phone, “You’re not gonna let me have sex with you either, are you?  Gonna get me all horny at the show tonight and leave me hard and hot for you”

The sound of his voice and the words he’s saying makes me want to put pressure in between my thighs, but instead I just curl up my legs and smile into the phone, lying on my side.  I shouldn’t be thinking this after my whole pregnancy fiasco that’s just now dead and weird. Yet only a few minutes old, I want to be with him.  I want him to kiss me and touch me so bad.  We haven’t really had a lot of sex lately.  We’ve made out a little but really have only done it once or twice since I collapsed and…and one of the times he was going so gentle and slow that, that…as embarrassing as this is, neither of us got off.

We ended up both tired and just going to sleep.  It was kind of awkward and I’ve never really felt awkward with him before.

I want that part of my life with him back.  Even though that part is what made me think I was pregnant.  I’ve never had as much fun in bed with a man as I have with Justin.  And it’s not just about ‘ooo having sex and getting off’.  It’s about being close to him, sharing something with him that no one else gets to have.  It’s special, even though that’s probably a pathetic thing to say.   

“I’ve never had sex in that bed Justin.”

“Really!”  He says excitedly, but quietly.  I look up and even though she doesn’t think I can see her because her back’s to me I can see Courtney roll her eyes a little bit in the mirror against the opposite wall.

“Justin, just shush….”

“Silly girl…”  I love it when he calls me that.  He always sounds so at ease and happy when he does.  “You gonna be back in an hour or so?”

His easy voice and sweetness make me want to be with him so bad right now and my lungs start to feel heavy.  “Yeah…”

I hate being an emotional wreck of a girl.

“Awesome.  If I’m still napping on the bus, come snugs, ok?”  I bite my lip and curl up even more, trying to hide from the world.  I want to be with him now.  I want to be in a bed, asleep with him holding me, right now.  Sometimes when we lay in bed together and take a nap I’ll pretend to be asleep even though I’m not.  And if I’m naked his fingers will skim my back if I’m holding him.  If I’m laying on my back he’ll rub his hand over my stomach a little and sometimes, occasionally I’ll feel his lips press against my forehead.

I need that.

I suck in a shaky breath and say in a whisper, “I love you so much, Justin.”

He stutters for a moment and I’m not sure why and I hope he can’t tell how emotional I am.  “I…I love you too girl.”

I need to get over this, forget it.  Forget being almost pregnant or whatever it is.  Forget the false alarm.  I need to breathe, relax, realize that all my worries are over and I need to brush away any disappointment.  ‘Cause that’s not the way to think.  I can’t afford to think about those things, about a family and a life with Justin like that.  I’ll get too ahead of myself and I’ll get my hopes up. 

And if he finds out, then…then I just don’t know what will happen.  It might scare him.  It might push him away.

And if I lose him, well….I don’t know what I’d do.  I’m too in love with him now.  Too far gone to go back and not be completely broken.

I’m past the point, I’m surrounded and it’s a very, very serious situation.  It’s dangerous when as much as I love and care about this man, I don’t understand him at all, I don’t get him and I still, as much as I try to tell myself otherwise, feel he’s unsure about me.

I’m probably just paranoid.

Either way, it’s not a good place to be.