2:53 p.m. Beale Street

I haven’t really spoken to him in five days. I mean I’ve said stuff that I’ve had to, but I haven’t gone out of my way to have a conversation with him, and he’s been as distant with me as I have with him. I guess we just need our distance for a while. It’s nothing serious.

I don’t think.

I’m must be just really starting to feel it today because we’re back home and normally when we’re back home we stroll into town like gods and we do it together, we go visit each others families together, we throw a big barbecue together, we go out to eat and go into Memphis together. I mean, we did have a big blow out fight but also Justin’s been sick, and when he’s sick he never wants to do anything with anyone.

Courtney’s sick, too.

A few days ago, Meredith got some type of cold just right after she was dehydrated. The doctor said that that whole situation kind of sprung the cold or flu or whatever since her body was so weak. But then I got sick. And then Courtney did and now Justin. And Justin’s such a little bitch when he’s sick. He’s back home, resting up for the show tomorrow, getting pampered by his mother and his grandma and whoever else. I asked Courtney if she’d go to my parents and let them take care of her, ya know get in a nice bed with a nice quilt, have momma make her some homemade soup. But no, she was determined to cure herself in the hotel.

I hated that. I hated that she got a hotel room. I mean I didn’t really invite her to my house to like meet the parents or anything big like that. I just thought she might want some pampering when she’s sick, some home-like nurturing and nothing says that better than a good southern household.

I guess in a way she’s still mad at me. Almost as mad as I am at Justin. We keep fighting and fighting. The whole Elisha thing made us blow up at each other. She claimed I shouldn’t have gotten that upset, that that meant I was still in love with her. And then I got mad at Courtney and told her that maybe I still was. I mean god damn I was engaged to the woman.

I’m getting over her and I’m not going to get back with her. I don’t want to get back with her. But she can’t just assume that I’ve completely forgotten about Elisha or that I don’t still think about her every now and then, or that seeing her doesn’t bother me.

And she’s, I don’t know. She’s being distant. It’s like, she was mad I wouldn’t stick up for her, so then when I do and pretty much ruin my closest friendship in the process, she’s still not happy. I’m not, I’m not this perfect guy. I’m not going to be. I don’t expect her to be perfect.

Maybe I just need to chill out. It’s not just us. Everyone’s been fighting. Meredith and Justin had a screaming match the other day on the way to Memphis when she was sick. We all rode on the bus together and I don’t really know how it started, but they were in the back and we were up front and they just started yelling at each other, blaming each other for stupid shit accusing each other of not caring enough or not being serious enough or something. Courtney sat there and laughed at them, but when Meredith started coughing so hard she started crying I went and hugged her and told Justin to chill out and got her something to drink.

Courtney just stared at me when I did it, as if it was wrong of me to do. I don’t know. Everyone’s just acting weird lately. I know that Meredith’s been quieter than normal around Courtney. I’ve seen it. Hell, she’s been quieter around everyone.

I guess that’s why I was so shocked when she called me up this morning, actually woke me up and begged me to save her form the boredom that was Justin’s house. I didn’t really understand her at first cause I figured she’d love being back home with him since his family loves her almost more than he does. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted me to show her around Memphis and get her “out of this damned house”.

So I got up, got dressed, let my mom cook me some breakfast even though I wasn’t that hungry and headed over to Justin’s. I just honked the horn and she came out all stylish with big sunglasses a little dress and some flip flops. Teddy was behind her, yawning. I took her to Beale Street and we walked around for a bit, going into a few shops along the way and then went for lunch. I’ve actually been having a pretty good time. It’s been peaceful, relaxing. We haven’t really talked that much. In fact at lunch most of the conversation happened between me and Teddy. She just kind of sat there.

She’s been quiet.

It’s been a good day, a weird day. The crowd started this morning when we went into this old club/bar that I sometimes hang out at. It wasn’t open, but the owner and some workers were there and I wanted to go in and say hi and I introduced them to Meredith. When we left there were some paparazzi and a few fans. I don’t know how they found us but I guess since the show’s in town they came out of the wood works. Normally if we just come home to visit everyone gives us our space. It’s kind of cool actually. People just want to know how we’re doing back in Millington. But when there’s a show, when it’s announced to the world we’re gonna be home, it can be annoying as hell in Memphis. It’s one thing for the assholes to be annoying us in LA, it’s another thing when it’s in my home town.

Meredith surprised me. Despite her subdued nature today, she’s been very polite to everyone, signed a few autographs, even waved at the paparazzi. They asked her where Justin was and she just shrugged and made a goofy face. By the time we went to get lunch there was a crowd outside. I guess I’m use to it with Justin, but I didn’t realize how hot of a little celebrity Meredith had become. I’m sure being with Justin has helped, but there was a pretty big crowd. People were yelling at her, asking her to stop for pictures, asking where Justin was, asking her why she was with me. She just smiled and waved.

But even though she’s maintained this appearance of perfection, of the beautiful, sexy singer, I can tell something’s going on with her. The normal bubbly girl has been quiet today. I know she’s getting over a cold, I am too. I’ve had a headache most of the morning. I just feel like maybe she’s got some shit on her mind, and I wonder if she’s going to spill any of it to me.

Cause I mean, I know I can be a good listener. I just don’t know if I wanna hear her shit, as rude as that sounds. I know she’s got friends for this stuff and right now I’m not in the mood to play mediator in between her and her boyfriend.

I mean I don’t know. It’s not my job to take care of her. It’s Courtney’s and Justin’s. But I guess they’re both not available right now, both grumpy and sick. And since I’m supposed to take care of Justin and taking care of Justin means making him happy then…hell I don’t know. I really like Meredith. I really do, I just feel like she’s changing Justin and I don’t know if it’s for the better.

What am I saying, of course it’s for the better. She makes him happy, I guess it’s just that when she’s not around he kind of loses it. And it’s like he’s getting obsessed with her. He’s done that before, he’s gotten too into a girl and scared her away. Hell, I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to find some reason other than myself for the fact that our friendship is, I don’t know, I hate to say dying but maybe that’s what’s happening.

It’s been 25 years. We’re bound to get tired and fed up after a while. Shit, most people aren’t even married this long.

Marriage…shit.

Ya know ever since Elisha showed up I’ve been thinking a lot. And I can’t even believe I was going to get married to her, or to anyone. I just, I’m not the marrying type of guy. It’s just not my style. I don’t know. I don’t think I even want kids.

I don’t know what I’ve been thinking lately. And Courtney’s been so moody and weird and it’s not helping anything. I don’t know. I guess she had a right to be upset about Elisha coming up but I didn’t think it was fair for her to dish that out on me. ‘Lish just came to my hotel room and tried to talk to me and that’s when I took her to Justin’s room and punched him.

I don’t know what came over me. I just, I was fed up with everyone. And I could just hear Courtney in the back of my mind saying ‘stand up for me, do it, don’t be a pussy Trace’.

What Justin did, and what he’s been doing has been wrong, very, very wrong. But I know, I know now that I’ve punched him I’m the one that’s crossed the line and fucked it up beyond repair, and I don’t know what the hell to do now.

I’m kind of afraid that punching him was probably the last straw and that soon I’ll be looking for a new job. Maybe I want a new job. Maybe I’m tired of living in his shadow and just being known for being Justin’s friend and nothing else. Maybe I do need a break from him, from this lifestyle.

“Let’s go in here…”

It’s weird driving around downtown Memphis. Usually when I’m here, I find a place to park and just walk around Beale Street but since the crowd got bigger it’s safer to drive. I park at a meter space against the street and turn back around to look at Mere in the back seat.

She’s staring down at her phone. “Is that ok?”

“Huh?” She looks up at me and then over to the store. “Oh yeah sure.”

“Great, I actually use to work here several years ago.” I open the car door, close it and wait for everyone to get out before I lock it with the keyless entry. Meredith is giving me a silly smile when she comes back over to me, slipping her phone into her sling purse over her shoulder.

I reach into my pocket and feed a quarter into the meter.

“You worked?”

“Dork,” I say and go to ruffle her hair but she ducks out of my way. “I haven’t always been Justin’s muppet and I haven’t always been a rich snob.”

“Fooled me.” She nudges me and I just laugh and walk into the store.

They got some music lightly playing and the racks look full, which is good, means they haven’t been having problems with not getting enough stock in. It’s a weird store, reminds me of a boutique or something they’d have in LA with all the designer and cool shit they have. But at the same time this store is pure Tennessee and the style is something you wouldn’t find anywhere else.

I haven’t been in the store more than three seconds when I hear, “Ayala, what the fuck?”

“Sup JP!” The skinny, completely tattooed man is in front of me in no time, slapping hands with me and pulling me into a small hug. I use to work here for JP when my parents would make me come back to Memphis at periods of time when Nsync was on tour. They didn’t like me being in Orlando by myself, plus, I guess it was a good experience and I guess it was good to be home those months. Sometimes I felt like I had these two lives; the Orlando life where I was crazy and partying and fucking around all the time, and then the Memphis life where I worked during the day and went home to have dinner with my parents and then I’d watch tv and go to sleep and so the same thing the next day.

And now, now it’s an escape. This store brings back memories and makes me at ease. Now this place is maybe, maybe going to let me to do what I want, going to let me finally get my shit out there.

“It’s good to see you man.”

He smiles and then looks to the right of me. His eye brows raise and he looks back over to me, smiling. Mere’s got her sunglasses on the top of her head and is looking around the store, completely oblivious to the fact that this guy in front of her just checked her out, or maybe she is aware and just ignores it. “Who’s this?” JP asks with a wink.

“This is Justin’s girl, you know Meredith Craven.” I look at Mere who’s now looking at me and then him, smiling. I point to JP. “Mere this is JP Davis, he owns this shit hole.”

“Shit hole is keeping you busy fucker.” He pushes at my shoulder lightly, laughs and then turns to walk further in the store. We follow him to the front counter that’s covered with stickers from different bands and different southern sayings. He gets behind it and says, “How’s the designs going?”

“Good, I brought a few to show you,” I lay the folder I’ve been carrying all day on the glass. There are buttons and belts and other things in the case. God I love this store, I love the style and I hope maybe one day soon they’ll sell my shit here. “My buddy out in Vegas was really fucking excited about it.”

“Designs?” Meredith is staring at me.

“Yeah…” JP says, “Trace here is gonna be the next huge jean designer.”

The look in her face is pure excitement. “What?” But it fades and she narrows her eyes, “Does Justin know…” I stare at her, bite my lip and then look at JP.

He seems to understand the predicament I’m in. Justin knows, of course. It’s not something I’m hiding from him, but the way she said that was like I’m going behind Justin’s back or something.

And I don’t wanna get into this with her, especially here.

JP calls out behind him, through the curtain that goes to the back room. “Hey Nik…”

I don’t really know Nikole that well, she was hired only a few weeks before I left to go with Justin to Virginia Beach. She’s super trendy and fashionable, and a cute girl, but sometimes really quiet. She waves at me and JP points to Meredith. “Show this nice young lady some of that knew stuff we got in...”

She looks at Meredith and asks, “2 or 4?”

“4…” Mere rolls her eyes and smacks her butt a little. “I have an ass and hips.”

Meredith is following Nikole through the store in a matter of minutes and I watch her. I can already tell by her smiles that she’s loving it, and probably annoying the hell out of Nikole. I know the girl loves to shop, Courtney says she annoys her about it almost everyday but she rarely gets the chance too, especially lately with everyone being really sick.

“Cute little thing.”

I turn back to JP who’s watching her walk around. I guess I’ve kind of forgotten how this can be. Justin always dates super hot chicks and it’s only on rare occasions that I get to be alone with Justin’s girl or get to take her out. So when I do I get to really see how other people stare and look. And when you’ve got a hot, little celebrity like Mere, it’s just worse. “Yeah, she’s a cool girl.”

“Where’s JT?”

I shrug and it turns into a yawn. God I gotta get more sleep or that cold is gonna come back. I stayed up way too late playing cards and drinking beers with my dad last night. “He’s got a cold or something so he’s staying at home and letting his mom baby his grown ass.”

JP stares at me for a moment, “You alright?”

I could spill it all right now. I could tell him that Justin’s an asshole, I could tell him that Justin is torturing my girlfriend, I could tell him that my girlfriend is…I don’t know, different from my normal girls. I could tell him that I’m scared to make this super serious with her, because of Justin, because of myself, because I’m not so sure I really know who Courtney is.

I could tell him everything right now and I know JP would tell Nik to take care of Meredith and we’d go in the back and he’d pull out the whiskey he keeps in his desk drawer or even share a joint with me and he’d let me talk and he wouldn’t say anything, to anyone.

But don’t say a damn thing, not because I don’t trust him, but because I don’t want to burden anyone else with my pathetic drama.

It’s funny too. JP isn’t one of these friends I call or something. I just try and stop by when I come back home and that’s pretty much it.

I guess I’m just itching to tell…anyone.

But I don’t, I keep it to myself and hope that it’ll just go away. God I hope it goes away before I explode.

I already have exploded. I punched my best friend and it just made everything for everyone worse.

I rub the back of my head. This whole mohawk thing seems like a stupid idea now. Maybe I’ll shave it back again, or grow it out. Hell, I don’t know. “Yeah, it’s just been a helluva couple weeks on tour.”

“I hear ya.” He nods at me and points over his shoulder. “We just got all this shit to go through and put out. And then get back with designers and let them know what’s selling. Surprisingly we’ve been super busy lately. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to sit down with you today about your sketches.”

“It’s cool.” I understand what that means. That means he has shit load to do and not a lot of time to talk, which is good, cause if he did have time I’d probably start rambling about everything. “I brought some copies and just figured you could call me back later on in the week or something and let me know what’s up.”

I hear Meredith squeal and look over and see her holding an over sized shirt up to Teddy who looks annoyed as hell. I look back at JP and smile, “Get back to work. I’m gonna go make sure the girls have drowned themselves in t-shirts.”

JP nods and I turn and walk towards where Meredith is following Nikole back to the dressing rooms. I look up at Teddy. He looks bored with the world. I should have asked him if it was ok to come here. I couldn’t imagine being a bodyguard for a girl. At least with Justin and his bodyguards if they have to wait somewhere they can talk about guy stuff. Teddy just has to put up with the squeals and the giggles and the shopping and the spas and the salons.

While Nikole is pulling an empty clothing rack in the dressing room area and hanging the stuff from her and Meredith’s arms up on it, I smile at Mere and laugh, “You look like you just saw Santa Claus.”

“I think I did.” She giggles as Nikole takes all the clothes she has and hangs them up for her by a dressing room, and then opens the door for her. Meredith hands her purse and glasses to Teddy who is already in one of the couches in the waiting area outside the dressing rooms. “Nik’s gonna just grab me random shit to try on….” Meredith’s halfway into the dressing room when she turns back and looks at me cautiously, “Is…is that ok?”

“Yeah, take your time. I’m just gonna sit down here and chill. I’m use to this sorta thing.”

She smiles again and shuts the door and I go and sit in a chair against the wall. I look at the table in front of me with some magazines on it but don’t see anything that’s worth picking up. Nik starts putting some more clothes on the track and Teddy leans his head back and closes his eyes against the back of the couch. I pull out my phone to try and see if I have any messages. I was hoping Courtney might let me know how she’s doing.

Of course she hasn’t. I haven’t talked to her all day. I called her this morning to see if she wanted to go out with us, but I just got her voice mail.

“So…so you design clothes?” I hear Meredith say in a muffled voice through the dressing room.

I look up at the closed door, I can see her bare feet through the opening at the bottom of the door. “Yeah, I’ve dabbled in sketching for a long, long time but just lately I’ve gotten serious.” She’s quiet for a while and I bet she’s in there thinking I’m a homo. Maybe dad actually flat out asked me if I was queer when I told him about it a few months ago. “I know it’s like the gayest thing ever.”

“No, that’s really cool Trace.” The door swings opens and she comes out, walking towards me but staring at herself in the tall, wide mirror tacked up on the same wall my chair is against. She has on jeans and a little ripped, stylish top. She walks up to the wall length mirror and turns to the side, still looking at herself. “Do you have any samples or anything?”

“There’s some in production.”

She turns her eyes to me and smiles. “I wanna see. Maybe I can be a spokeswoman for it or something.”

I roll my eyes at her and laugh, “Maybe….”

She heads back in the dressing room and Teddy starts to snore. We both look at him and she giggles a little and shakes her head. She turns her eyes to me suddenly and her smile fades away, “Hey…do you wanna talk?”

Here it comes. Great.

“About?”

“I don’t know.” She leans against the frame of her dressing room door and reaches over to pull some more clothes off the rack. “All the shit that’s been happening lately. Cause I mean, I know he’s my boyfriend, and you know I love him more than anything, but that doesn’t really mean I agree with everything he’s done lately.”

“It’s fine Mere. Don’t stress about it.”

She pouts a little and hangs up some more clothes in her dressing room. “Trace, you’re my friend whether you wanna believe it or not. And I care about you and I care about your friendship with Justin.”

I lean forward and stretch my arms out in front of me, avoiding her stare. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

“Right.” She sounds pissed and slams the dressing room door. Fuck. She doesn’t speak for a few seconds and then immediately starts yelling at me from inside. “God you two are more alike than you want to admit! ‘Talk about it later’, meaning shut up Mere and try on your stupid little clothes and forget about it. That’s what it means. God you both just want to shut up about any problems and just hope that I forget about it. Well I don’t and the more I sit here and wait around to talk about them the more stressed I get. I don’t want to get sick again, Trace! And Courtney’s not helping, being a fucking weirdo.”

She comes out again with a skirt and a blousy top. I realize now that Nikole has come back and is standing there, staring at me and then at Meredith as she puts a few more pieces of clothing on the rack. I kind of wave at her to let her know we don’t need any more help. I hope she’ll just leave us alone because I don’t want her hearing about all my drama either. I stare at Meredith and she’s glaring at herself in the mirror.

“Hey…”

She turns and waves her hands around frantically. “I don’t care if she’s your girlfriend Trace! She’s freaking me out!”

Teddy opens his eyes, clears his throat, stares at her and brings his finger to his lips. Then closes his eyes again.

“So now you believe that shit he says?” I glare back at her. I can’t believe this shit. I knew Mere was all in love and everything, but I thought she was kind of a smart girl and could think for herself.

I guess not.

“No I don’t believe him!” She sighs and her shoulders slump and she shuffles back into her room. “I just don’t know why the hell she hates me so much. I thought we were getting close. I thought maybe she’d wanna be my friend. But no, I just annoy the snot out of her. She never wants to talk about anything but work and…and I just don’t know if I can deal with it anymore.”

I’m getting pissed off and I lean back and cross my arms over my chest and say sarcastically, “That’s nice, Mere. Fire her because your boyfriend hates her. That’s a good girl, thinking for yourself and all.”

She opens the door to the dressing room and it kind of startles me because I wasn’t expecting that. And I definitely wasn’t expecting to see her there in a pair of shorts and only holding up a shirt against her chest, with one arm and holding the door open with the other. She’s barely got it covering her, but that’s not what gets to me. What gets to me is the look in her eyes. She still amazes me when she gets that evil, scary look in her eyes. I always seem to forget that Mere has a bit of a fiery temper. She glares at me and points to me with her hand that’s holding the door open.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare! Don’t fucking start with me, Trace. Ya know what sucks? Here I am in the middle of all yall’s shit, trying to keep everyone together, trying to do my job at the same time and not lose my head, trying to keep all of you from killing each other because believe it or not I do care about all three of you. And it’s like, don’t talk about it with Meredith, don’t let Meredith worry, Meredith doesn’t know what’s she doing, just make her stay out of it. Well fuck that! You’ve put me in the middle of it so I feel like I have to do something or my head might explode.” She slams the door again.

Nik comes out, peeking her head around the corner and says in a raspy, quiet voice, “Are you guys ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, I think she’s got all the clothes she needs for right now.” Nik nods at me. I think she understands, at least I hope so. God I hope this doesn’t get on the page of US Weekly that Mere is throwing a tantrum.

“God dammit Trace!” Mere says again, after a moment from her dressing room. “Like…like ya know, you might go back to Justin and tell him this and he might get terrified but I don’t care. I can see myself with him…” She pauses and comes back out of her room. She doesn’t immediately go to look herself in the mirror this time. I think I’m starting to realize now how much of a fast clothing changer she is.

She shakes her head and comes closer to me. “I can really see myself with him forever.” She sighs and runs her hands through her hair finally looking at herself in the mirror. She looks miserable though, fucking miserable. “Like maybe not now, but in a few years I can see it happening, see us getting married and I know that scares the shit out of him. And he probably doesn’t even want to get married or have kids or anything. And whatever…I’ll deal with that later. But right now…”

She runs her hands over face and looks like she might cry. I guess, I guess I never realized how much stress Justin’s been putting on Mere, how much stress we’ve all been putting on her. I start to get the feeling that maybe me and her have a hell of a lot more in common right now that I wanted to believe at first.

“Right now I can’t handle not being able to help him when he’s upset. It’s like he needs to be a team with me and let me help him figure out what’s going on with him. But no, he just wants to push everyone away and not worry anyone. And I hate to say this but I kind of feel like you aren’t helping the situation.” I open my mouth to defend myself but she cuts me off. “I know, I know he’s done some shit to you that’s been very unfair and I’ve talked to him about it several, several times. But ya know, so what? You’re his friend. God Megan and I piss each other off all the time but we get over it.”

She sighs and goes to sit on the edge of the coffee table. She looks up at me. “And, and I want to be Courtney’s friend, Trace. I really, really do. And I feel like this whole fight is just making it worse. It’s making her hate me or something. And I’m going to really try to talk some sense into Justin, but I can only do so much. I know he’s a flawed man. I know he has some demons he doesn’t want anyone to know about, but I don’t care. I love him and that’s not gonna change. I’m sorry.”

“Courtney doesn’t hate you, Mere,” I say and sigh. “She just, she’s got a lot of issues.”

She shakes her head and pushes herself off the table, going over to the mirror again. “Who fucking doesn’t Trace! That’s not an excuse to not try to at least be nice to someone.”

“She’s not nice to you? She’s the one that deals with all your shit. Don’t you remember the paparazzi coming to your house and when you got sick, how much she helped you out then?”

“She’s cordial to me, and polite and does what she has to, Trace. She’s nice because she has to, not because she wants to. I don’t know, maybe I’m too sensitive. I just thought maybe she’d want to be my friend or at least have a little fun with me and hang out. But it’s like that’s the worst thing for her to even think about. I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m not asking her to be my best friend. I just wish she wouldn’t act like hanging out with me was worse than the plague. It really makes me think that maybe I really am a little annoying brat.” She turns and heads back to the dressing room and turns to lean her shoulder and head against the doorway again, staring right at me.

“I’ll invite her to hang out all the time and she never ever wants to. I try to be girly with her and she gets annoyed and then I try not to be girly with her and she gets annoyed. I try to ask her if she wants to do something, hang out or whatever and even tell her she can pick out something for us to do, whatever she wants. And she just doesn’t care. It…it kind of hurts my feelings.”

She shakes her head and looks away, “And not to be echoing my boyfriend but it does make her shady, Trace. I can see how Justin could be suspicious of her. Now he shouldn’t treat her like he has, but I can see being worried.”

I take a breath, even though Meredith was the one that just ran her mouth a mile a minute I’m sitting here drained and tired. I guess I just never knew she was feeling all that, or that Courtney was that closed off to Meredith.

Maybe, maybe she is just being too sensitive. “I don’t know what to say.”

She shakes her head and waves her hand, letting the door close behind her. She just looked annoyed beyond belief and I don’t know who’s she’s annoyed at, me, Courtney, Justin, herself, or all of us. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to say anything. I just…I needed to vent and I’m sorry I let it out on you.”

“It’s alright. I wouldn’t worry too much Meredith. She likes you, she’s just getting over some past drama and you and Justin are like the worlds perfect couple. So don’t worry, nothing bad’s gonna happen to you guys.”

“We’re not perfect, though Trace,” she says defensively.

“Yes you are. You never fight and when you do it’s about stupid, silly stuff. You guys never have problems.”

“Right.”

It’s quiet again and I have to wonder if I’ve said something wrong. Maybe she’s just not going to argue with me about the perfectness thing. Or maybe, maybe something’s going on that I don’t know about. I mean, that could be it. I didn’t realize all this other shit that she just laid out on me. No, no I doubt it. I’m sure her and Justin are fine, it’s just been a stressful past few weeks. I hear her say a moment later from the dressing room, “Maybe I should get Justin a shirt or something, something to make him feel a little better.”

“That would be nice.” I look down at my watch, I hope she’s almost done. I’m so ready to leave.

She comes out, almost all the clothes she took in are draped over her arm meaning she’ll probably purchase them all and she smiles at me, looking completely happy again, at ease, regular bubbly Meredith. “You should do the same for Courtney…”

I cringe at first because, because ya know I would never really think to do those things. And maybe that’s our problem. Mere thinks about Justin all the time, probably too much. I mean I think about Courtney but it’s usually about our problems, or trying to figure out if she’s really mad at me or if she’s just playing around, or if it’s something serious or if she’ll get over it. I’m never really thinking like, maybe I should do this or that to make her smile and make her happy. Just because or whatever.

Maybe, maybe that’s a bad thing. Maybe its not that Meredith and Justin are perfect, maybe they just try not to dwell on their flaws. They’re better together, they’re happier as a couple.

I just, I’m not sure if I can say the same thing about Courtney. I hate admitting that. I do. I just have to wonder if I was better before she came into my life.

That’s…God that’s a horrible thing to say. I was lonely, depressed, fucked in the head about Elisha. And…and now I’m not…as much.

Meredith’s right. I don’t know if I’ll get her clothes, but maybe some flowers or something, just a little something to show her I thought about her. Fuck, I don’t even know what Courtney would really like, she’d probably complain the flowers would make her sneeze or something.

Dammit, I just I wish I could shut my brain off. Meredith’s still standing there, Teddy’s now up and she’s loading the clothes onto his arms. She looks at me and smiles, “I’ll help you pick something out.”

I try and smile and nod, “Alright…maybe I’ll do that.”

I just hope whatever Mere helps me pick out doesn’t make Courtney mad or remind her of anything from the past few days and I hope whatever’s going on with everyone right now is over in a week. Cause I just don’t know how much more I can take.

------

“You alright?”

I glance over at the girl in the front seat and ease my grip on the steering wheel and slow down. We’re on country roads now, but I still have to be careful. Sometimes the Shelby County Sheriff Department like to play hardball out here. Especially my Uncle Andy, the fucker.

She sighs and puts her phone down in her lap, and then leans forward and slips it into her purse. She’s been on it the whole ride back, typing at it furiously. “Since Court’s sick I’ve been trying to get all my shit together for when we go to Atlanta next week. It’s like 45 minutes from my parent’s house so they’ll be at the show and I’m debating whether I want to stay with them. I don’t know if Justin wants to, or if anyone really wants to cause they’re house is nice but it’s not huge. And Megan’s coming down and I think she’s gonna bring her boyfriend so I gotta have places for them to stay. And Angie’s talking like she might show up and since Court’s sick I’m trying to line up all the stuff myself so she doesn’t have to worry about it.”

“Do you want me to help?” I ask.

“No no, I can do it. It won’t be that big of a deal.”

It’s quiet again and I look in my rear view mirror. I think maybe Teddy is sick too, he’s asleep again. That isn’t good.

I glance at her and she’s staring out the window with a concerned look on her face. She hasn’t really lightened up all afternoon, but she’s gone back into her quiet mood again. She helped me pick something out for Courtney. At first I was unsure because everything I picked out Meredith would tell me no. I wanted to get her this vase at an antique store but then Meredith asked me where Courtney would put it on tour and I told her she had a good point. We went into this one place that had all these satchels and organization stuff and Meredith said she’d hurt me if I got Courtney something work related. Finally Meredith saw this hand made quilt. The pattern and colors in it are actually pretty cool and it doesn’t look super country or grandma like. Meredith said Courtney’s always complaining how cold the hotel rooms or the bus is. So maybe, maybe she’ll like it.

Meredith got Justin some clothes and at the antique store they had this little stuffed animal monkey with cymbals on his hands. It was some inside joke, but she was all smiles as she bought it.

Maybe, maybe that’s what I’m most upset about. I guess in a way Meredith is taking my place. Now her and Justin have all the little jokes and the stories and...and I don’t.

I sigh and finally just let out what I’ve been debating to say to her all afternoon, “I’m sorry I punched Justin, Meredith. I really am.”

“He kind of deserved it.”

“Yeah, but I still shouldn’t of handled it like that. I’m going to try to make an effort and just stay out of this drama. It’s just so hard when Justin treats Courtney bad and then she’s sitting there going, ‘stick up for me’. And then when I do stick up for her or myself or whatever, I end up punching him.”

I glance over and she’s looking at me really sincerely and sweetly, truly sympathizing with me. Sometimes, and I know this is weird, I kind of wish she was my girl. Like I don’t fantasize about her because I can’t allow myself to cross that line. I just, she seems to hate drama and just be fun and I know Justin is so fucking happy with her and all the issues he has right now, even if he says they have to do with her, it’s all about himself. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

And I shouldn’t think that because I have Courtney, but I guess sometimes, sometimes I just wish I had a girl who didn’t have all this insane baggage and Mere, if she has baggage she’s taken care of it, she works it out herself and deals with it. I just get so mad cause I wish Justin would open his eyes and really see what he had in front of him.

Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe Meredith just hasn’t lived enough to have any baggage.

“It’s ok, Trace. I understand. And I don’t think Justin is really mad at you. I think he thinks Courtney is a disease and is more worried about you than anything.”

“That just pisses me off though,” I kind of laugh and start to slow down as I approach Justin’s. “Cause she’s not a disease.”

“I’m really going to try to talk to him, ok? Maybe you could talk to Courtney and let her know I’m not some hellish annoying brat, at least not all the time.”

I turn down Justin’s driveway and sigh, “She likes you Mere, she just…she’s had a lot of problems with her previous jobs and relationships, so she tries to be super professional with everything.”

“I just don’t see why she doesn’t tell me this stuff herself. I’m not going to judge her. I’m a nice person, I swear.”

“I know, girl. You’re pretty awesome.” I park the car and turn off the engine. I don’t want to go in, but I know Lynn will ask questions if I don’t come in and say hi.

Meredith gets out and I do as well, yelling at Teddy. He wakes up with a bit of a start and I laugh and tell him that we’re back home. He moves out of the car and stretches his back and arms. When I come around the front of the car, I’m looking down at my keys and before I know it I’m being attacked in a hug.

She pulls back quickly, bags dangling form her hands and arms, “Thanks for taking me out today, it was nice to be able to hang out with you and get away from everything for a bit.”

I ruffle her hair, this time she’s unable to duck from me and I laugh as her hair sticks up on top of her head. “You’re a good girl and I’m really happy Justin has you and whether he knows it or not, this…this is a big deal girl and if he plays his cards right he might get to have you for a long ass time.”

She smiles wide and I can tell behind her sunglasses her eyes are sparkling and shit. I want that. Dammit, I want to make a girl that happy. I wish I could make Courtney that happy. I walk to the front door and knock twice and then let myself in and walk through the foyer. “Just me,” I say.

Lynn’s there in no time smiling at me, she has a dish towel in one hand and says, “Ya’ll have fun?”

We walk further in the house and Mere steps out in front of me, drops her multiples bags on the floor and laughs and goes to jump on the cough. I hear an “umph.”

I smile and look at Lynn, “Yeah, she went crazy…” I follow her further into the den and glance to see that Meredith’s is now lying on top of Justin, poking him in his arms and chest. He’s got a remote in one hand and is trying to push her away even though he’s chuckling.

Maybe, maybe I should go straight to the hotel and see Courtney.

“Are you still grumpy grumps?” Meredith asks. She pulls back, turning to lie on her side in front of him. He nods and she kisses him.

“You ok, guy?” I jump when I feel an arm around my shoulder and relax when I see it’s just Lynn. “You haven’t been around as much this go ‘round.”

I laugh and don’t let her know that me and her son are close to killing each other, “Stressed to the max mom.”

She nods, swats at me with her dish towel and moves back through the room to the kitchen, yelling at Justin and Mere that dinner will be ready in an hour.

I stand there for a minute and turn around and see Teddy has gone. He probably came straight in and went to take a nap in one of the guest rooms. I sigh. Now it’s just me and the couple of the year. They’re now kissing pretty heavily on the couch. He’s dropped the remote and I should probably high tail it out of here.

I wonder if Courtney would wanna hang out when I get to the hotel. Probably not. She’s probably too tired to even try to make out with me. Probably too pissed to even let me see her naked. She hasn’t let me have sex with her in four days, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone being sick, I know that’s not the case.

I sigh and walk a little closer to the couch so maybe they’ll realize I’m there. They don’t so I clear my throat and say, “Hey, I’m heading out.”

Meredith pulls back and sits up a little, smiling at me. She raises her hand so I can give her a high five. “You’re awesome mutant.” She says, “I loves you.”

“Hey!” Justin smacks her ass.

If I did anything like that with Courtney in front of other people she’d probably get mad at me. This is bad. I shouldn’t be comparing them. I like Courtney, I do. She’s hot and she makes me think and makes me work hard. It’s good for me.

I shouldn’t want a lazy, easy relationship. I shouldn’t want to be the couple in front of me. I should want what I already have.

Mere smiles, kisses Justin again and squeezes herself against him. “I loves you, too.”

She’s snuggled up to him soon after, oblivious to my presence, completely wrapped up in her boyfriend, smiling at him as he resituates himself so she can lay against his chest.

“You alright?” I look at Justin and he’s staring at me. I look away down at his dogs that are sleeping on the floor in front of the TV. They didn’t even get up when I came in. God, maybe they’ve got the cold, too.

“Yeah I’m better.”

“Good.” I look back and Justin’s just staring at me, no emotion on his face. I nod, that’s all I’m going to get out of him for right now and as much as he’s an asshole and did things I’m not sure I’ll be able to forgive, I really don’t blame him for being so short with me.

I wave my hand at him and turn, “I’ll talk to you guys later.”

I make it back to my car and as I sit there in the driveway with the engine running and the a/c full blast I wonder what the hell is going on in my life. It’s like it was fine, fun, alright ya know just a few weeks ago…and now, now I don’t know what the fuck is going on.

I pull my phone out and call Courtney. I hope she’ll answer and I hope to god that in the next few days she changes my mind and makes me realize that this is worth it, that she’s worth losing my best friend.