Chapter 29

2:06 p.m., La Mansion Del Rio Hotel gym

This is probably really gross to say but, well, it's the truth. My cootchie kind of hurts. Cootchie…God, I'm so immature. Sorry but saying, "My vagina is in pain" sounds like I'm at the gyno or something. Anyway, I'm riding the stationary bike with the girls in the gym here at our hotel in San Antonio and it's not helping. I swear sometimes it's like damn Justin. He was drunk as shit last night, well so was I. We kind of had a private drinking party after the show, and I guess all that champagne and whatever else that
drink was he was pouring for me are the reasons why I didn't realize until now how rough he was with me.

But I didn't mind at all.

I bite my lip and try not to giggle. Monique and Abbie can always see right through me and call me out on my "cheese" as they call it. I don't even know why we're working out. All of us work out like hell on stage. I guess it's something to do. It's hot as hell out
today, close to the 100s, and I was hung over this morning and didn't feel like going outside and doing anything. Surprisingly, I have nothing planned to do today, no interviews or anything, and I don't have a show until tomorrow night.

Instead of an alarm clock or a violent knock on the door, I woke up to Justin snoring. He doesn't normally snore but if he drinks the night before it's like a fucking fog horn in the morning.

We need to slow down, though. I love partying with him and goofing off, but ever since Vegas we've kind of gone overboard. We got here late last night, but the two shows we had in Vegas damn, they were awesome. It's just getting better the more I perform. I can
just feel myself getting better out there, getting more confident in the show.

And the crowd just eats it up.

After my set and my songs with Justin were over on the second show in Vegas, I went off to the side of the stage and sat with Trace and danced and drank a smidge. I watched the show with him and a couple of Trace and Justin's friends. I don't know where Courtney
was. I was expecting her to be there but I don't know. She's been kind of disappearing from me lately. Must of found herself a boyfriend or something.

Justin pulled me onstage during LoveStoned, even though I wasn't in my correct outfit and we had been debating earlier in the day whether I was going to join him or not. He has this other version of the song where he just stays at the piano and had asked me if he could try that out that night. I didn't mind and told him to go for it.

But he didn't do that new version, and I realized when we were dancing that he had taken a couple of shots on stage because his breath smelled of alcohol. His hands were everywhere and he was smiling at me like we were the only people in the room. Maybe it was just the fact that in Vegas we really got to spend time together. We went on this insanely romantic date, we got to slow dance together and he was dressed all nice, and he had all this girly awesome stuff set up for me at the hotel and had the room all perfect. It
was so much fun. It's been a long, long time since I've had that much fun with anyone.

After the second show everyone was at this club that was full of the tour people and friends. It was such a fun party. Courtney was even there…drinking! The night before that party we had had this other club appearance but it was kind of boring. Justin was off
talking to people most of that night and I had to control the amount of Cosmos I drank because Access Hollywood and some radio shows were there or something. I got to dance with my man only twice that night and it didn't compare to the next night.

Now that was a great night and I have to say when Justin whispered in my ear on the ride back to the hotel that he wanted to go get hitched, his terminology, I couldn't help but smile and laugh and agree and make out with him some more. I mean now, I guess, it kind of makes me think about things, like, was he really just drunk or joking, or was there a part of him somewhere that was serious?

Yeah right, I doubt it.

Courtney and Trace both, magically, seemed to sober up in that moment and started yelling and trying to talk us out of it. We just laughed at them and went back to the hotel and fooled around before passing out. I told him when we got back since he proposed I had to give him a present, so I gave him a blow job. And during it I realized that I hadn't done this for him yet. I've never heard such strange sexy noises come out of my man's mouth. And his eyes were like fire burning into me as he stared at me while I did that
for him.

I guess that crazy mentality has followed us to Texas. But I can't keep this up.

As much as I love my man and I love partying with him, I was so fucking tired this morning and I can't keep living like a rockstar, when I'm just a wimpy popstar. I've only been up for like two and a half hours today, but I'm still exhausted beyond words. Normally I do a hard level on the bike, or set it to incline or something, today level two is difficult. I haven't showered and only had a banana to eat this morning. And it was only an hour ago when Monique beat on my door and told me to get my ass down to the gym.
Justin was still snoring then. Maybe they'll wanna go lay out later, or shop. That'd be fun, relaxing.

"Don't you feel guilty making everyone else in the hotel that wants to use the gym have to wait or go somewhere else?" I glare at Teddy who's on the weight machine in the corner, iPod headphones in his ears, smiling at me. When the girls came up to the room he was the one who had to make the phone call to see if we could close off the gym for an hour. Courtney's door was closed and he said he wouldn't mind lifting some weights, so I told him to let her be and we left her a note telling her where we were. I don't even know if she was in her room or not. I don't know where else she would have been.

"Shut up, nerdo." I point to the two girls on either side of me. "They're the ones that pulled us from our Maury marathon to come down here."

"Derrek told us you were getting fat," Monique says and I glare at her, even though I know she's kidding.

"You're both fired."

They just laugh at me.

I'm so happy with my dancers. Monique has been with me pretty much since my first album, but Abbie came on the beginning of this year, at the end of my first tour. They're both very different from each other but both very sweet. Derrek's been looking around for more dancers for me. Sometimes Derrek and Anthony come on for bigger numbers when we need guys. But the show is basically all about me, about my singing and my dancing. It's weird being up there with hardly anyone else to fall back on, I had more dancers last tour and that was for dinky crowds. Maybe if I do a solo tour next year I'll have a big dance team with me. That'd be fun.

I wonder if Justin is going to do another tour. Knowing him, he'll probably go overseas. I frown. I hope we won't be separated for too long. Or maybe we'll figure out our schedules so that I can be over in Europe with him. That'd be fun. God, that'd be fun.

Jeff Buckley starts singing from my phone that's resting in one of the cup holders attached to the front of the bike. I pick up the phone quickly and answer it. "Meggy McMegs!"

Justin's ringtone is his second single, and he hates that it's my ring tone for him especially since his cd isn’t even out yet, but…he's just gonna have to get over that. I thought the idea of "My Love" being played when the man I actually love calls me was very cute and sweet. He just gave me a strange look when I explained it to him and then started tickling me.

"What up bia?" Megan asks.

"Hung over…" I laugh and groan. "Yet for some reason I'm in a gym, on a bike, working out."

"Always fun. So I just thought I'd inform you that you drunk dialed me four fucking times last night."

"Four?" I only remember dialing her number once, I think.

"Yes, four."

"Oh god, there's no telling."

"One was just that you loved me and hoped that Josh was as good at sex as Justin."

"Oh god…" I start giggling. I'm such a ridiculous drunk. "I think I actually remember that one."

"The next one was you calling and singing "You Are the Sunshine of my Life" to me, and at one point Justin took the phone and we had a conversation about his dogs but I think he was drunk too, because he started rambling about how much he liked walking barefooted on carpet."

"Are you serious?"

She just laughs. "The next one you called me but I don't think you knew because all I kept hearing was some conversation you were having, I guess with Justin, about ordering pizza and how you wanted onions and he didn't."

Mmm, Pizza. I'm starting to realize how hungry I am. My stomach still feels a little weak, but a piece of pizza would make it feel just right. "Shit, we never did get around to ordering that thing."

"The last one was sent at 4:30 this morning and was you singing some song about ice cream and milkshakes. I could barely understand you because you were slurring your words and you were whispering and laughing."

I shake my head. I'm glad when I decide to embarrass myself I do it with someone who won't hold it against me. "Your own private concert."

"Right, lucky me." Clearly, by the sound of her voice, I woke her up several times last night and she wasn't thrilled. I know secretly she loves it when I call her. She's really the only person I drunk dial and I think it makes her happy to know that even when I'm out here having a good time, I still miss her and think about her. "Anyway, I just wanted to check in and tell you the countdown is on, two weeks to go."

That's right. Damn, I need her here, too. She'll calm me down, make me feel normal again. Touring can give you this weird attitude, and can put you in this fog and I know she'll bring me out of that and get me back to the normal, silly girl that I am. "I can't fucking wait. I'll call you later tonight cause I gotta dish some shit about the past couple nights."

"Please be sober when you do it." She's laughing but I know that she's being serious.

"I'll try, mom."

"Later freakazoid." I end the call and debate about sending Justin a text message to see if he's up, but I decide not to and put it back in the cup holder and then pick up my water bottle from the one beside it and take a sip.

"When is she coming up for the show?"

"In a couple weeks I think." I screw the top back on and roll my eyes. "Courtney's got it all figured out."

"So…how is that girl, like really?" Monique says. "Cause she's so…different."

For a moment I wonder if she's talking about Megan, but Monique knows Megan. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. She just comes across really quiet and then suddenly bitchy and then ten minutes later she'll be off laughing with someone, usually with Trace."

Abbie pipes in, "Oh, they're totally dating."

"They're not," I say. "We've been there, I've asked and they're not."

"Well, I saw them kissing yesterday morning," she says, shrugging.

"What!" Ya know. Sometimes Courtney really pisses me off. I don't mind her dating Trace. In fact I think it's cute. I just don't know why she won't tell this shit to me. I thought she would lighten up to me a little, and she has I guess. She's not nearly as cold
as she was that first week, but I feel like I know nothing about her. She doesn't wanna explain to me anything about her past or what she likes doing or anything about her family.

I mean, there's one thing to be private and there's another thing to be sketchy. And I don't want to call her sketchy because I guess I know that it's not that she doesn't want to keep things from me, she just does because she feels like that's her job.

Maybe Trace has opened her up. Maybe she can talk to him.

I still wish she would at least let me know what's going on with them.

"She didn't tell you this? I thought you guys were close." Monique says and then kind of laughs at the end.

"Well, we are…" I sigh. "Kind of. I mean I'd like to be closer but she's really determined to try and keep everything super professional."

Abbie nods. "At least if she turns out to be a psycho she didn't try to be your best friend like Leah…" Her eyes shift behind me and she shrugs. "What?"

I turn and look at Monique and I can see that she was trying to get Abbie to stop talking. I guess I'm a little closer to her and she knows how fucked up Leah made me. But she doesn't have to protect me. I'm getting over it. I am over it.

I think.

"It's…it's ok Monique. I mean, I think I'm getting over it now, ya know? I've got a great life and great friends and a great career that surprisingly wasn't ruined as much as I thought it was and, in a weird way, I think it brought me and Justin together."

She rolls her eyes and laughs. "He we go…"

"What!"

"Speak of the devil…" I hear Abbie say and I look back towards the door in the back corner of the room behind us.

Damn.

He looks tired as hell but damn does he look good. I think I'm gonna tell his momma that he needs more basketball shorts for Christmas, that's all he ever seems to fucking wear. Oh fuck, his shirt is sleeveless and if he's about to do weights I'm not going to be able to contain myself.

I really shouldn't be this vain and shallow but it is not my fault my boyfriend happens to be so fucking hot.

He smiles as he passes us and makes his way with Tiny to the weight machine, where Teddy is.

"Hey ladies." He winks at me and as cheesy as it is, I find myself staring at him as he sets down the stuff he brought; water bottle, small towel, iPod. Then he starts to stretch.

It's kind of quiet, except for the sounds of the TV that's on in the corner of the room. Us three dorks put it on ABC Family because Step by Step was on, but now it's on to Family Matters episodes, which are still just as great.

Abbie and Monique aren't saying anything to me and I'm kind of glad because I'm busy staring at my man who's decided to start out with the bench press. This shouldn't be as hot as it is.

All he's doing is moving his arms up and down and breathing hard.

A giggle comes from beside me and I look over to see Abbie leaning over the front of the bike, sighing. "Meredith, I hate to tell you this but I think I have a crush on your boyfriend."

"Yeah, I'm pretty much in love with him, too." I look over and Monique is just staring at him.

I laugh. I know they're making fun of the fact that I'm staring at him, but at the same time they're being honest. It kind of makes me happy to know that other people find him so attractive. It shouldn't, but it kind of makes me confident. Yeah, Megan needs to get
here fast. I can feel my own ego growing.

"Shut up you guys."

"It's not our fault your boyfriend is super hot!"

"Shh, don't let him hear you. He's arrogant enough already."

"What are you girls giggling at?"

I gasp and he's looking at us, smiling through narrowed eyes. Monique expertly shows him the cover of the US Weekly she was reading. "Nothing…um, just Brad and Angelina…"

"You shouldn't be reading that shit." He says to her, but his eyes look at me and I know he's trying to tell me something in that look, but I'm not sure what it is.

I watch him for several minutes, how his arm muscles contract and relax, how he breathes, how his face strains when he tries to hold it for a little longer. I bite my lip. I've seen him look like that before, but not while lifting weights. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I shouldn't want us to stop partying like we have been. I love being with him. He makes me feel good, not just physically, but about myself. Like it's sexy and hot when we're making love, but it's also silly and I learn so much about him afterwards when we're all lazy and just laying there breathing and laughing.

Like the other night, we're laying there and I'm still reeling from it and I start thinking about how in the middle of having sex he called me "foxy girl". I started laughing and we just laid there cracking up for a good couple minutes while he was still inside of
me. And then he moved and it was like "oh shit" and we stopped laughing and started to get into it. But afterward I was laying there and I remembered it and I giggled about the "foxy" comment. He asked me why I was laughing and I told him.

He got all quiet and then said, "Remember that show David the Nome?" I just looked at him and he smiled and breathed out deeply, "I was obsessed with that show. I wanted to be able to ride a fox like that."

I never thought the words "David the Nome" would come out of his mouth less than 2 minutes after he'd come. But they did.

And I love that about him.

He's more random and dorky than I ever thought possible.

When I first met him I thought he was hot and sexy and sweet and the coolest guy in the world. Now I realize he's more of a dork than me, and I love it.

He curls out from under the bench press and sits there for a moment, talking with Teddy and Tiny about something. He turns his neck to scratch the back of his head but he notices me staring at him. I guess in a way, I stare at him a lot. Whenever he catches me I know I blush, even now, even after all this time. He always gives me this look in return, this lopsided grin that makes my heart beat faster.

I catch him looking at me sometimes, like at a party or at sound check, but he never blushes, in fact when he stares at me, well, that makes me turn red, too. I guess part of it is happiness but another part is slight embarrassment knowing that it's so obvious how
in love I am with him. I know sometimes I probably look like a little lost puppy or something following him around, always attached to him. I'm well aware that for most of Justin's past few tours he's been a bachelor and lived that bachelor life on tour, getting
drunk and high with his buddies, not worrying about any drama, banging a few chicks along the way.

But now I'm here, and I know his friends and the people he's worked with on the tour before and even the press and everything, they all treat him different now.

He's now doing arm curls, using a weight that looks like it would snap my hand off if I picked it up. He looks at me and sticks his tongue out.

I smile.

"Oh shit…"

I remain looking at Justin, but turn my head towards Monique. "What?"

"Read this…" A magazine is plopped in front of me on the bike controls. I slowly let my eyes focus and see the two page spread littered with pictures of me and Justin, bright orange letters at the top of the page: "Temper Trouble for JT" and under it in smaller black letters it says, "Why Meredith is terrified of her new love."

I stop pedaling.

They have pictures of us in Vegas holding hands, one of him kissing my forehead. There are two of us performing together at the concert and the rest…the rest are from when those assholes came to my house. I didn't think those pictures would ever come out,
especially after a week of hearing and seeing nothing from them. I guess they finally resurfaced. The pics they have of us at my house well, they aren't flattering. Justin looks like he's in a rage and I'm trying to hold him back. There's one where he's turned around talking to me, you can see how scared I am and it looks like he's gripping my wrist. He was, cause I was clutching onto him in that moment.

I was terrified then, but he wasn't mad at me! We…we were both terrified.

"Are you serious?" I say, and it comes out a lot quieter than I planned.

"You got room for me on the bike." I hear in my ear and I jump when I feel large hands on my shoulders. He immediately starts massaging them. I look up at his face and he seems concerned. Shit, shit, shit, shit! And it's too late for me to close the magazine
or throw it away.

"What? Or I thought we might be able to find someplace to take a little jog or something together…" He looks from Monique to Abbie, but their faces are about as bad as mine. Of course I don't like seeing this shit, but I know how Justin is. And I don't want him making this into something bigger than it should be. It seems that Monique and Abbie know how he is, too. "You girls are invited, of course."

"Ok…" I say and try my best to close the magazine before he notices the pictures of us.

Too late. Before I move my hand, his has snatched it from where it was resting.

"It's nothing Justin, don't worry about it, ok?" I touch his bare arm and squeeze a little, something that I hope will attract him away from the story and more to me. I smile at him and try to pass him a sexy look. "Where were you thinking about jogging?"

"This is bull shit Meredith." It doesn't work. He looks pissed and it's building. I see where this is going and I hate it.

"I'm aware. It's tabloid crap. Whatever."

He clears his throat and in a biting tone reads a part of the article aloud to me. "Despite their romantic romp in Vegas, Timberlake's controlling nature and explosive temper keeps Meredith on a tight leash. According to a source close to the singer, she's terrified of him. Even during run-ins with the paparazzi her fear of Justin is evident."

"Justin…"

He reads some more and then angrily throws the magazine on the ground and glares at me. "They're making me out to be some like, I don't know, crazy slave driver, like I lock you up and control you! They're making me look like fucking Tom Cruise."

"I feel the need…"

"The need for…"

I look at Abbie and then Monique. I know they have some weird obsession with Top Gun and Tom Cruise but they can't joke right now. My boyfriend is about to have an aneurism because of some stupid made up shit. "Guys…"

Abbie cringes a little and speaks up on my behalf. "Sorry girlie. It's just crap, Justin. It's kind of funny how untrue it is. If anything I think Meredith is the one that has you on a leash." Monique giggles and I smile at her, trying to thank her for trying to change the mood.

His arms are over his chest and he's still glaring at me. "How do they know so much about our time in Vegas, Mere?"

I rub my face with my hands. Thanks Justin, thanks for ruining a perfectly, normal, fine day. "Don't do this."

"Do what?"

I pull my hands down and let them smack down on the handlebars of the machine. I just stare at him for a moment. What an ass. He bends down, picks up the magazine and starts flipping through it, his back turned to me now. I shake my head and pull myself off
the bike, starting to grab up all my stuff. I look at Monique and then Abbie. "Sorry guys, I think I'm gonna go get a shower. I'm still feeling a little weak from last night."

"Yeah…" Monique glances at Justin and then looks back at me. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I just need to get away from him for a minute."

"What are you saying?" he protests and comes up near us so he can hear the rest of our conversation.

That's it. I'm done. What the fuck ever! I narrow my eyes at him, poke him in the chest and say in a low voice, "You need to calm down."

I brush past him and wave at Teddy who's looking at me concerned. Normally he doesn't let me walk alone in places, but in a hotel, if I need my space he'll usually give it. "I'm just going straight to the room, Teddy. You should stay and finish your workout."

I push through the doors. There's a hotel worker there. I guess he's standing guard by the gym with a sign that says "gym closed". He smiles at me. He's a nerd. He has glasses and gives me a cheesy smile and I feel like he's one of those Dungeon and Dragons
people. Even though he's probably in his twenties he still has really bad acne. He looks like he snorts when he laughs.

But I bet he wouldn't flip out over a stupid tabloid article if he was my boyfriend. I smile back at him kindly and turn left down the hallway to go towards the steps instead of going straight to the elevator.
I don't want there to be other people around. I just want to sprint two flights up to my floor, get to my room and slam the door as hard as possible.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not angry, I don't think, just frustrated I guess. I don't need his attitude right now. I can't handle his…whatever it's called…patheticness. God, you're not use to it Meredith. You're still new, you don't know how to handle it.

Fuck you Justin, you don't know shit.

My hand is on the handle to the stairwell when I hear from behind me, "Hey, hold up."

I groan, roll my eyes and turn just in time to see him slow his jog down to right in front of me. I point a finger at him. "Now you back off. You were embarrassing me."

"What?" He seems shocked, taken back. He can't be serious.

"Are you gonna act like this anytime anything is written up about us?" I sigh heavily and lean all my weight so that I can open the door.

"You shouldn't even be reading it."

"Justin, it wasn't even mine and so what if it was? It's funny to me." I don't even look at him as I walk up the steps and I don't care that I'm loud and that my voice is echoing and that probably any other person could hear me in the stairwell right now and write about it in the next fucking issue of US Weekly. I just don't care.

"Did you hear what they wrote about us, you? I just don't understand how you can go from someone who freaked out because your friend said shit to not even carrying what's printed about you."

I stop where the stairs turn and look back at him. He's still at the level we entered, looking up at me with doubt in his eyes. "Justin, I wasn't freaked out about what was printed. I was freaked because someone I trusted and considered one of my closest friends completely betrayed me."

I stomp up some more steps and can hear him running up behind me. I know he took the stairs by two to get to me this quickly. Soon his hand is on my arm and he's turning me around and giving me a very serious look, one that sort of frightens me.

Not that I think he would hurt me. It's just that when Justin gets serious it's hard to get him to lighten up. He's made up his mind about something and there's no changing that. "Well, what if someone is betraying you here?"

"What!"

He eases his grip on my arm and shrugs. "The only people that knew anything about what happened with us in Vegas was us, Trace and Courtney."

Oh hell no. I roll my eyes again and go up the final flight of stairs. I wish he'd leave me alone. I can't stand it when he's like this.

"And Teddy and Tiny and most of our dancers who partied with us, and while we're at it, probably the entire hotel staff, and club staff, and the people at the…"

He cuts me off. "I don't think you're…"

I stop before I open the door and I get in his face, interrupting him right back. I know he hates this. He told me he hated it when I got in his face when I was angry, but right now I don't care. He deserves it. He's being a moron. I'm dating a fucking moron! "If you even bring up this shit between you and Courtney I swear I'm not talking to you for a week."

"Mere…"

I explode through the doors.

Thankfully my room isn't far from the steps and no one is in the hallway. I know he's still following me, but I ignore him for a second and work on getting the key to open up my door. I struggle with it for several seconds and finally he snatches the thing out
of my hand and does it with one try. That just annoys me more.

I don't want him in my room. I don't want this fight to continue. We need to separate, cool off and then maybe I can talk to him about it later.

I turn and find him close to me, closer than I expected. He opens his mouth and I shake my head and grip my fists at my sides. I don't want to hear his lame excuses. "Just shut up, Justin. I've had a fantastic past few days with you and maybe you're just hung over or grumpy, but fuck! You complain that I'm naïve and don't know how to handle press and yet when any little thing about us is said or printed you get all pissed off. You get that fucking temper they're talking about in their bull shit stories!"

The concerned look in his eyes immediately morphs into one that's angry with me. "Don't you dare."

"Or what Justin?" He doesn't say anything back to me so I turn, look and see that Courtney's door is still closed. I sigh. I need to vent to her even though she'd just be annoyed with it. I should just call up Megan, but I don't know. Sometimes I feel so bad
dishing all my shit out on her when she's so far away and can't really deal with anything. She's a great listener but she likes to solve things, and when she's thousands of miles away she gets antsy when all she can do is try to talk something out.

She'd go right up to Justin, smack his shoulder and say "get a grip".

I wave my hand at him and start to beeline it to my bedroom, hoping I can get in and lock him out before he gets there. "Go take your fucking little jog, I need a shower."

"Mere…"

I guess I'm not helping. I just keep talking, but I can tell he doesn't understand why I'm angry with him, why I'm annoyed. He thinks I should be just as weird about these stories as him, but dammit I don't wanna be paranoid all the time. I don't…I don't want to turn into him. And I want him to get better about it. I want him to stop being so freaked out when this shit happens. And it's not fair that he used to blame me for not being able to handle this shit when he was the one with the problem to begin with.

"No Justin, you make this a hell of a lot more difficult than it has to be. It's shit, it's comedy, it's fake. They take maybe one or two slightly factual events and turn it into something ridiculous. You dwelling on it and reading into it and acting like, hell, it is true, makes it worse. I know you weren't this way with your other girlfriends. Hell,
if you were this way with Britney when shit was written up about you two, then I don't know why she didn't break up with your ass sooner!" I turn around, march to my room and stop before I enter.

Great, now I'm a bitch.

I suck in a breath, slump my shoulders and turn around and go right up to him. He's not looking at me and I don't blame him. Fuck. I touch his arms and he tries to shrug me off.

Dammit, I didn't mean to say that. "I'm sorry…hey…" I move my hands up to his shoulders and then his cheeks and try and touch his face so that he'll turn and look at me. He just keeps his arms crossed and sharply moves his head away from my hands. "That…I'm sorry, ok? That was way out of line."

His eyes are vicious when he turns abruptly and looks at me. And if we weren't in a fight right now I'd probably tell him how sexy he looks when he's angry. But it's not sexy when you're on the receiving end of that anger. "I broke up with her, thank you very
much."

I sigh again and lean my forehead against his chest. He uncrosses his arms so I can lean on him but he doesn't hold me. I look up at him after a moment and he's looking at me now with a pitiful face, a "lets stop fighting" face, a puppy dog face. "Do you understand what I'm saying? Look what's happened. We were working out, making faces at each other and I was thinking how great it would be to come back up here with you and hang out and just chill and watch movies all day in our PJ's and maybe go out to eat tonight.
And suddenly here we both are, yelling at each other, stressed out…"

"Why are you blaming this all on me? Getting angry with me like I'm some horrible person?"

That's it. I roll my eyes and push myself off him and turn and march straight to my room, throwing up my hands and saying as I go, "Ugh, I can't win with you!" I take a breath and flip off my shoes, pull down my hair that's gross and sweaty and tangled and move to
go towards the bathroom. A nice, long, hot shower, that's what I need.

I just can't handle this right now. I know I need to work on that. I've always had problem of getting stressed out at the first sign of any negative emotion someone I love starts to show. My dad is so relaxed about everything but my mom has problems with high anxiety. Maybe that's where I get it from.

I take off my t-shirt and turn to throw it back into the bedroom but my shirt is caught by Justin, who's there standing in the doorway of the bathroom, still looking pitiful. I sigh and ask, "What are you doing?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to take a shower."

He licks his lip and then nibbles on them nervously, "Can I get in, too?"

It's weird, we act very, very differently, but neither of us can handle fights with the other one very well. Maybe we need to work on that.

Maybe we need to work on avoiding fights altogether.

"Ugh…" I growl and I curl my hands into fists. I can't stand this. I can't stand it when he gets like this. It frustrates me more than anything. I start to laugh a little bit. "Justin! Oh my god, you better stop it right now."

"What?" He's pouting and his eyes are wide and glassy.

"Doing…that…thing! Doing that face. Shit."

I run my hands through my hair. I can't handle this. I'm angry and I'm laughing. I need to calm down.

Maybe that's why I get so mad when he acts like this because, because I know that him being in a bad mood and him being angry and upset about something we can't help, well that frustrates me. Yet I know that I get frustrated and instead of preventing it, like I
should, instead of keeping a calm face, I go crazy, I get frustrated and mad as hell with him. I blame him for my bad mood which is unfair. He should be allowed to feel however he wants.

I guess I just get stressed because I don't like seeing him so stressed out about something
insignificant, or something I think is insignificant.

God, we're sick people.

"Here…just hold on." He takes a breath and walks back into my room and closes the door to the bedroom and then comes back, passes by me and starts to get the shower running. When he starts to undress himself I do the same, even though I'm not really sure I want
him in the shower with me. I need some time to breathe, collect myself and chill out and I don't want him like flipping a switch and trying to seduce me.

That's another thing that annoys the hell out of me, how he can flip his moods so easily.

He's naked, standing beside the shower door, waiting for me to get in first. I figure if I protest it's gonna cause more of an argument, so I strip down completely and get in the shower. I try to ignore him and get under the shower head so I can shampoo my hair, but soon he's pulled himself against me, arms around my middle, lips against my shoulder.

He sighs, "I'm sorry. I suck at life."

I allow myself to lean back against him. I hate that this feels good, that it makes me relax, that his skin feels perfect against mine. I hate not being able to stay mad at him.

I'm ridiculous.

"That's my phrase," I say.

I can feel him smile against my shoulder. "I stole it."

I turn in his arms and lightly pull away from him and reach to find my shampoo. I wonder if Justin will use it. Usually he just takes the soap and covers himself head to toe and rinses off. He could take two minute showers and be perfectly clean if he wanted. But he's doing something new to his hair. It's a little longer on top and still short on the sides. I asked him about it last night. He just got this goofy smile and said he was trying something new. I was too drunk at the time to care.

I lather up my hair and move so he can get under the spout if he wants, saying to him with squinted eyes, "It worries me when you stress out like this Justin. I understand it pisses you off. It annoys me, too. But you can either let it fuck you up or you laugh at
it and move on. Sometimes I'm afraid you're…" I take a breath and look away from him, his eyes are too blue and too intense to stare at sometimes. And him being completely soaked, water dripping all over his body is a dangerous thing to view. "You're getting really paranoid. And soon you're gonna turn into one of those mountain people with a garage full of duck tape and space food and have a big beard and shoot anything that moves within 100 feet of your front porch."

He smiles and puts his arms back around me, pulling me into the water with him. "Would you be my mountain woman if I did turn into that?"

It wasn't a joke. "Justin…"

"Would you?"

"No…" He's still giving me that crooked grin and I push him away. The shampoo is threatening my eyes. "Cause you'd be annoying."

"I'm annoying?"

I laugh a little. God, he's as ridiculous as me. He finally gives me enough space to get some shampoo out of my hair. "I think you know that you annoy the shit out of me most of the time."

It's quiet and for a moment when I've got soap running all down my face I wonder if maybe I just hurt his feelings. I know I did when I said the Britney thing, and later I'm going to have to make up for that, but he can't be so sensitive. We annoy each other, that's part of a relationship. He should know that by now.

I rinse my face off and wipe at my eyes, turning around and tilting my head back to rinse out my hair.

I squint my eyes open to see if he's still there and see what kind of look he has on his face. He's leaning against the wall just looking at me with arms crossed over his chest.

He licks his lips and I notice his eyes are locked onto my chest. "Can I take you out tonight and make up for me being a dick?"

I just turn, ignore the fact that he's staring at my boobs and grab the conditioner, saying, "I want Italian food."

"Ok." He's smiling now and finally looking in my eyes. He holds his hand out to touch my arm and tries to get me closer.

I let him pull me against him. "And tiramisu for dessert and lots of red wine and don't tell Courtney cause she'll complain that I have a show tomorrow and that it's fattening."

"I swear. It'll be our secret." He puts his arms around me again and leans in to kiss me.

"And no sex," I say to him before his lips touch mine.

"No sex?" He laughs a little and pulls back. "Did I annoy you that bad?"

"No…" I hold the conditioner in my hand but lean my head against his chest. I'm a moron. I should just shut up and enjoy him because he feels too good to stay away from him. Too good and strong and warm. And wet. And sexy.

I'm fucking bipolar.

"Just, we've been having a lot lately and you're wearing me out."

"Am I?" There's excitement and mischief in his voice.

"That's not supposed to be a turn on, Justin."

He licks his lips, leans down, kisses my neck softly and pushes his crotch against me before sucking slightly with his mouth. "Too late."

"No…" I push against him, teasing slightly. "God, just cause we're taking a shower doesn't mean we have to have sex."

I was joking when I said it but I guess my tone of voice came off harsher than I planned. The concerned, pitiful face is back. "Are you alright?"

And its back to being bad again. I'm not going to read that statement like my emotions are tempting me to. I know that he doesn't mean that to be "alright" I have to want to have sex with him. I just…ok Mere, breathe. I hate this. And I hate even more that I'm
just not letting myself give in, like I have so many times before.

I guess because this really bothers me and it's something that's been building up. And I guess because all our fights and problems before were when I was still trying to make sure that I had him, that he was mine. Now I know he is, I know he loves me, and that he's not going anywhere. And I'm not gonna put up with his bull shit. Plus, some of his bull shit worries me because I can see it turning unhealthy.

And if he doesn't get over it it's going to cause more problems than just arguments in a gym and shower. "No...I'm not. You're paranoid and anxious and that's not healthy Justin. And you're insinuating that someone we know is talking to tabloids and I happen to know who you think it is. And it's stupid. Don't go there. You need to get past that."

"Look I just, we both know Trace would never do anything. And I just don't trust Courtney like you do. You know I have my suspicions about her and nothing's gonna change that."

"Even if she's dating Trace?"

He sighs at me, but his voice isn't so sure. "We've been over this. They're just fooling around."

"Right. What if they're not Justin? What if they're like in love? I can't handle this. You're gonna have to try to get along with her because I'm tired of it."

Justin looks at me and just shakes his head. "I don't want to fight anymore, Mere."

"Justin neither do I," I plead. "I don't wanna stand here and argue with you but I don't know. You're worrying me. And we can't keep partying like we have."

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I just need to slow down. Maybe I just need to shut up.

"I'm sorry. We were in Vegas, I got caught up. I thought we were having a good time."

Now I'm just confusing myself and making him doubt a good time we've had and I'm being a freak. "Let's just shut up. I need to finish up my shower."

He's quiet and I'm finally able to condition my hair and get my body lathered up. We switch places and I realize we should have gone to his bathroom 'cause he has a double shower head in his. Oh well. I wait for him and when he's done soaping up, he rinses his head and I watch him.

I'm happy he's my man. I really am. He makes me feel good about myself and I guess the problem I have is that, that I worry about him too much. When I first met him I thought that he had it all together. I thought he was this together, confident, all-knowing
man. And I guess part of me still believes that. But there's another side of him that's worn down, confused, and paranoid and stressed out more than anyone I've ever met.

And it's hard to balance those two, and its hard for me to know which one is the true Justin, or if he's a complicated mix of both.

And that just confuses me more.

"Are we ok?" It's the confident Justin looking back at me, giving me a weird little look.

"Yeah, I just…I don't know. Maybe now I'm the one who's paranoid. I just feel like maybe-" I look directly at him and ask, "Is something going on with you?"

"I don't think so." He shrugs.