Meredith’s Bus, 7:30 am

I don’t know what it is, but the bunks on Meredith’s bus are a hell of a lot more comfortable than the ones on Justin’s. Probably because they are softer and the pillows are awesome, down feather I think. I guess the real test will come when I have to spend a night riding on Justin’s bus. I don’t know. I keep forgetting that the tour just started. For some reason, I feel like we’ve been doing this for weeks now. I’m not quite sure what it means. Meredith’s bus is kind of girly with all the pale pinks and blues and purples but it’s relaxing. She decided on some beach theme for her dressing room and I guess that idea transferred over to her bus as well.

I could use some time on a beach right now. Some good, quality, relaxing, alone time. I guess it’s funny or ironic or something. I’m alone right now, staring at the top of the ceiling, knowing that she’s on the other side on the bottom bunk. So I’m not really alone and yet I feel it, that lonely feeling surge through me. I guess that’s the thing, the worst thing, is feeling lonely when you aren’t really alone.

I thought maybe, just maybe when I got on this bus last night that she’d talk to me, at least protest, something, fight, yell. But she was already asleep and Jack was already getting impatient, ready to get a move since Justin’s bus and a lot of the crew had already left for Las Vegas.

I wonder what time it is now and when we’ll get there. A buddy of mine lives there and maybe I can call him up and we can hit the town. I’ll show him some of my new ideas I’ve been sketching up and…and I can stop thinking about that damn woman who’s only a few feet away from me right now. Fuck.

For as comfortable of a bunk this is I haven’t slept at all and that sucks because I have so much fucking shit to do today. Justin’s got this meeting and he wants me to make sure his girl is getting pampered and shit. What I really want to do is talk to Bryson, see if he thinks I have what it takes, get a second opinion. I mean I trust Justin and his opinions, but he’s not gonna really tell me if something is shit or not, at least he’s not gonna be super critical. He’s never been able to really shoot it straight with me if his opinion of something I’m doing is shit. Especially since all he’s cared about lately is his girl.

I can’t blame him, but damn do I hate it. I knew this would happen. I should have prevented it. I should have known the fucking second I met her that he was gonna fall all over her. I should have never introduced them.

I’m horrible.

But I’m bitter, so I don’t give a shit.

I’m tired and only a small percentage of that has to do with the fact that I haven’t been able to sleep. I’m tired of her. I’m tired of her bull shit. I know I haven’t made it easy but dammit neither has she. I sigh and pull myself up out of the bunk. I sit there on the edge and run my hands over my face, crouching over my knees and letting my legs dangle for a second.

Today is going to be rough.

I know, I know I’m an ass and I know I should have stuck up for her in front of Justin yesterday. But I guess, I guess I’m learning that I’m not as ballsy as I use to be. When I was with Elisha, I don’t know, I guess I could stand up to him, even though he always seemed to like ‘lish. Now, now I’m in work mode, now I’m trying to make things as easy as possible for him.

A lot of people would look at me as a little bitch, a little servant, but that’s not what it is. Justin works hard, harder than anyone else I know, and I know without me here his world would fall apart. I make him be able to have a life outside of work, to be able to do things with his girl, to have days off—to…to fucking eat Chinese food instead of what the tour company made that night if he wants it.

I guess part of me also always kind of goes into shock whenever he treats Courtney like shit. ‘Cause I don’t understand it. Yeah she can be a bitch, yeah sometimes she asks for it. But he hates her and I don’t know why. And, and I bet like if she really was my girl then, then maybe I’d be able to stand up to him. But she’s not, and I don’t really know what I’m supposed and expected to do. She’s my friend, but she’s not my best friend and she’s definitely not my girl friend.

I shouldn’t have kissed her either yesterday. When I get angry with her I, I just lose it. And the only thing I can think about is either throwing up my hands and forgetting I ever knew her or kissing her. I think about kissing her all the time.

It’s all I really want to do.

I push myself out of the bunk and reach into it to grab my t-shirt. I hate myself.

Maybe, maybe today with Justin and Meredith gone I can really talk to her.

I’m an idiot, we talk all the time and nothing happens. We come to an agreement and then it backfires and I’m painted like an asshole and a fool.

I shuffle into the front part of the bus and tug my shirt on over my head. When I pull it down over my torso I see that she’s there, awake, curled up in her pjs, eating some cereal and watching the Today show.

Great.

“Morning.”

I take a deep breath. Here we go. “Hi.”

She doesn’t look at me and I stare at her. She really looks cute all comfortable in pajama pants and a t-shirt, with her hair pulled back. Even in pajamas, even in the morning, she looks pulled together. But it doesn’t look like she planned it out. It’s just like she woke up and everything fell into place. I kind of like it.

I like her. There’s no denying it, no brushing it off as sexual attraction or rebound or something. I like her for her and I want her because I want her and nothing else.

“Look, can we talk?” It comes out of my mouth before I have a chance to reword it, to change it, to stop it entirely. I want to talk to her. For some reason I wanna try again, try to talk my way through this so we can come to some sort of understanding, even though I know it’ll probably come to some bust, like always.

“Trace…” She sighs and gets up to put her bowl and spoon in the little sink there in the mini kitchenette. “We always talk. We always talk and it’s fine for a week and then you do something that makes me feel pathetic and proves that you are an asshole and it’s bad again.”

“Fine.” Well that just pisses me off. ‘Proves that I’m an asshole?’ Ya know, I do need to talk to this girl. Maybe that’s my problem, I’ve skirted around the issue too much. I haven’t given it to her straight. Well fuck it. I’m going to have to, and if it means letting her in and letting her rip my heart out, then fine. It’ll be better than her accusing me and accosting me all the damn time. “You don’t have to say anything. I’ll talk. You can sit there, be quiet and listen to what I have to say.”

“I-…” She sits down across from me in the booth her arms crossed, the table separating us. I don’t let her speak.

“Don’t argue with me on this. I’m going to talk to you. I’m going to explain some things to you. Try to explain why I’m an asshole in your eyes. And don’t interrupt me and don’t get mad at me, cause I have to say some shit and you need to hear it.”

She opens her mouth as if to protest and I just stare at her. Her mouth closes and she looks down at the table, uncrosses her arms and she seems to almost cower in my presence, something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her do. “I’m…I’m fucking terrified of you, Courtney. The reason why I’m so afraid to commit, I guess, is a lame excuse to you but, but I’m not over her yet. At least, I’m trying to be. Maybe its just I’m over her, but not what she did to me. I can’t have someone else do that, act like they really are into me, fucking want to marry me and suddenly like a snap completely feel the opposite. It’s hard being here on tour with you, with them. To be reminded every fucking day of what I had and then see what I want and know that all I have to do is commit to you and say yeah, you’re my girl. Cause that’s what you want, right?”

“I…” I realize I just rambled like hell to her and I don’t even know if she understands what I said. I don’t hardly understand it. She’s not looking at me still, still staring at the counter. But I guess I know that she’s listening and I know she understands. “Yeah, I guess. Hell, I don’t even know.”

“I can’t talk about this with Justin because, because of his weird, unmerited hatred of you that I don’t understand. It’s….it’s causing problems for me and him.”

I take a deep breath. It’s strange how, I guess, in a way, me speaking it is me finally realizing it. I mean, there’s a change there. I don’t know if it’s just a phase or what, but the past few weeks I’ve just felt like Justin’s not really been here. He’s getting too far wrapped up in Meredith and while I think she’s great, he’s gone from being woundingly cautious to overly oblivious in a manner of a few weeks. He puts on this front of cautiousness and easiness with his feelings for Meredith, but it doesn’t take a genius to see that he’s seriously gone overboard for her. He’s gone and this time if something goes wrong he’s not going to be able to pull himself back.

“You did talk to him though, Trace! Remember the whole ‘desperate for attention’ thing you told him?”

I rub my forehead and groan. I was hoping she would have forgotten about that. I should know better. This woman doesn’t forget anything. “He took my words out of context. I was trying to explain to him that in a way I felt like you were desperate for attention, from me or something, but at the same time you were scared for that much attention. He made it seem like you were going around acting a fool so people will notice you. Which is completely ridiculous! If anything you don’t put yourself out there enough to get to know people. He just took my words to piss you off and me at the same time.”

“God, why the hell are you even friends with him?”

“Honestly Courtney, I have no idea why he’s treating you this way. Usually if he doesn’t like someone he just ignores them.”

She laughs and rolls her eyes. “Oh he ignores me.”

I wish this conversation hadn’t turned to where it did. It’s making me feel uneasy. I hate talking about Justin behind his back. I’ve rarely ever done it, I don’t like it. But I gotta explain this shit to her as best I can or I’m going to get nowhere. “And at the same time he pays way too much attention to you and reads into everything you do. I tried approaching him about it the other day but it just turned into a conversation about me and you and him trying to talk me out of my feelings for you. Demanding that I was on the rebound.”

She’s chewing on her bottom lip now and kind of looks nervous, though I don’t know why. “Like I said, things are changing or have changed for us. Usually on tour, whether we’re with girls or not we’re living it up and even though it’s a hard and difficult time, we always have a blast. If the past few days have been any indication of what this tour is gonna be like, well me and him aren’t gonna be spending a lot of time together. I feel this thing coming in between us, I don’t know if he does or not. I don’t know what that thing is, but I do know that part of it is you.”

“Look, I don’t mean to make you-…”

“Courtney, you can’t help it. Something’s going on with him and I don’t know what it is. Maybe you’re just an excuse so that he can separate himself from me. I don’t know. I want what he has. I want a girl, Courtney. I wanna be that way with someone again and, and not just anyone. ‘Cause I get bored really easily.” She’s staring at me now and I find myself wondering why I didn’t just cut the shit from the beginning. Why didn’t I from the moment I met her and kicked her out of Justin’s suite at the Ritz go down and get a drink with her? Why didn’t I really show her my interest and tell her I wanted to be with her? ‘Cause I was interested in her from that moment I slammed the door in her face. The moment I did that I wondered why I did it, why I hadn’t been nice, why I had brought out the asshole.

I know why. I had talked to her on the phone and the professional front she put on intrigued me, bothered me and I wanted to know more.

“But, but I’ve never been bored with you. Even when I’m ready to hate you I…I’m not bored with you.” She smiles a little and I smile back at her. This is nice. This, liking each other and not trying to kill each other, it’s nice. “But…there’s something, I mean for all the good reasons I have to do this and ya know, like really fall for you, you’re not being completely honest with me. You won’t tell me about your past, you say it’s not interesting. And yet somehow Justin got some information on you and keeps rubbing it in my face.”

“What!” Her smile is gone, her calm nature and willingness to talk to me has flown out of the window. I try to recover and guard myself as quickly as possible.

“He has a friend that used to work for Whitham. He…he told Justin you were fired for disorderly conduct and threats to one of their owners. And now, I don’t believe it, but why is someone saying this about you to Justin? He’s not gonna just make shit up.”

She’s biting her lip and she won’t look at me. “I don’t mean to make you upset. I…I just want you to be honest to me and, and be honest to me about, about how you feel towards…ya know, me. ‘Cause I feel like I’ve kind of laid it all on the table. I’ve let you take control of this whole situation.”

She takes a deep breath and rests her elbows on the counter, running her hands through her hair and then moving them back to cover her face. “We’re both kind of pathetic I guess.” She says through her hands before moving them and looking out of the window beside us. It looks bright and dry outside. “Both terrified of each other even though it has really nothing to do with each other. I’m…I’m sorry I haven’t given you enough credit. I, I have been kind of selfish in this situation, assuming that your past drama isn’t anything compared to mine, or that it hasn’t fucked you up as much as mine has.”

“Why won’t you tell me about it? I’m…I’m not gonna judge you.”

“Because, Trace, it’s a door I closed and told myself to forget. Keith lied to me, he broke my heart and he turned me into a person I swore I’d never become.”

I nod and glance at her. “So the past has a name.”

“He was the son of the CEO of Whitham, where I use to work.”

It takes only a second to click and when it does I’m slightly shocked. “Oh…oh…Keith Whitham?”

She seems just as shocked at my recognition of him. “You know him?”

“Know of him, I mean he’s gonna be taking over his father’s business soon I guess. And Whitham’s a pretty popular entertainment marketing firm. I’ve probably met him at a party sometime or another.”

She rubs her forehead again as if the thought of this is giving her a headache. “I met him in a coffee shop in Manhattan and it was just one of those things where he saw I was reading a book he liked and we struck up a conversation. I had some job applications out with me and he saw them and it turned out he was in marketing, too. Before I could blink I was working as an entry level marketing advisor for their New York office. I didn’t really realize who he was until he came into the office one day and I saw everyone like bow down before him. I worked there for five months before he asked me out.”

“How did you go from marketing to PA?”

“I double majored in marketing and communications in college. I wanted to do assistantship from the start, but there are thousands of more marketing jobs. I don’t really know why Angie hired me, because I don’t really have any professional experience in it. But dear God, please don’t tell Justin that.”

She stops talking and after a few moments I find myself waiting for more of the story and she’s not giving it. “So, I’m assuming it was a bad relationship.”

She’s still not looking at me, now looking off into space down near the floor. She smiles distantly. I can see it now, how much hurt she’s been holding back, how much anger. Part of me stops blaming her for how she’s acted and the things she’s said to me.

“Well it wasn’t to start. It was really awesome. We had a great time together and did a lot of amazing things. I hadn’t really dated anyone while I was in college. I was too busy studying and working for tuition to have dates and friends and things. I guess in a way I’ve always been like that. I’ve always been a loner. It’s not something that depresses me. It’s just how I am, an over-worker who likes to be by herself. So when I had a good paying job that was fun and where I didn’t have to take much work home with me and there was this guy who was actually interested in me I just, I fell hard. I guess I was a different person when I was with him. I look back now and I realize that who I was before and who I am after him is pretty much the same person, with the same likes and personality, maybe just a little more jaded now.”

I pass her a look. She’s more jaded than me and Justin put together now that I think about it.

“Ok, ok! A lot more jaded. When I was with him I turned into someone different. I turned into the girls I always wanted to be when I was in high school, ya know? The cool, popular girls that everyone liked and everyone wanted to know.”

“And how did you become jaded after?”

“I told you…” I roll my eyes at her. She’s trying to go the easy way out, by barely giving me facts to a detailed and gory story. She should know me better by now. “Oh, well I guess we dated for a while. Like it was about a year and a half and I was completely in love with him and he claimed to be so with me. In my mind, at the time, it seemed to happen slowly but I guess it only took about a week or two. He went away for a weekend for some business trip and when he came back he didn’t call me. Of course, being the pathetic, in-love person that I was, I made excuses for him, telling myself that he was just busy. I guess I realize now that I didn’t want to be a nagging bitch of a girlfriend. But I shouldn’t have thought that way. If he was my boyfriend, if we were in love, especially after a year and a half, I should have been the first person he had called. That should have been my first sign.”

“I’m not liking this story already.”

“Oh it gets good.” She laughs and it’s bitter. “So me and my team had this big project due for this album design for a new country artist they were releasing in a few months and I had worked real hard on it. I mean, I guess I was really just the advisor for the designers and manufacturers, but I put in hours and days on that project. I remember being in the board room and just knowing as I was presenting it that no one liked it, which was odd for me. Usually everyone always seemed to love my ideas. And I noticed this new girl sitting in the back just like smiling at me with this weird victorious smile on her face. And she was, of course, gorgeous and she had this folder with her. And when I finished my boss called this new girl up to present her idea. I had no idea who she was or where she came from. Well, come to find out, she was the newest member of our marketing team and also my boyfriend’s new girlfriend.”

I manage my own pissed-off laugh. Typical asshole. And here I’ve been acting just the same. All she’s ever wanted from me is the truth, is honesty, is me not beating around the bush, me being honest with my feelings towards her. And I haven’t been. Even though I’ve tried, hard.

She wanted me to be up front with her, even if it was that I just wanted to fuck her and nothing else. And she saw through me. She saw that I wanted more and it pissed her off that I wouldn’t tell her that. “And the asshole didn’t even tell you.”

“I found out afterward, when the meeting was over she came over and introduced herself, claimed they had been dating for four months. She worked at the LA branch and wanted to move to NYC so Keith gave her a job.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I’m getting angry, really angry and I start to grit my teeth and I sit on my hands. The more she tells me the angrier I get. It’s funny though, I realize that my anger is the thing that really drills it into my head, really proves to myself that…that I really, really care about her. I want to protect her and make her happy and all that gay ass shit.

Fuck, I want her to be my girl.

“Yeah, didn’t even have the nerve to tell me to my face. So, I took a breath and got a little pissed off but kept it under control. I still don’t know if that bitch even knew I was dating him. But I found it really odd that of all the people there I was the first person she came up to introduce herself. And why in the hell would you state your relationship to someone else at the company? That just seemed unprofessional. I went to my office and was trying to think that maybe this was all a misunderstanding, maybe there was another Keith or something. He wasn’t in the meeting but Mr. Whitham had been and about an hour later his father came in and told me they were going with Hillary’s presentation, yes that was her fucking name, and that he was surprised I was so rusty and incoherent in my presentation. I was so pissed off and asked him right there if she got special treatment because she was his son’s girlfriend.”

“Wait, didn’t his father know you two were dating?”

“I don’t know. We tried to keep our relationship outside of the office, ya know? We didn’t want it to become this thing of gossip. At least, that’s what he said. I mean, I know some of my co-workers knew because we would talk about it. But I never went to family functions with him and he never went to any with me, even though I don’t spend too much time with my family, anyway. Keith met my brother once when he was visiting me.”

“This is like a Lifetime movie.” I bite my lip after I say it. That’s the type of comment that pisses her off and I know it.

“How do you know what Lifetime movies are like?” But she’s smiling at me and even though there’s a sad look in her eyes I can tell that maybe her sharing this with me is like the final barrier for us. I feel like this is some dark secret she’s felt like she’s had to hide and while it sucks and it’s not a fun story to listen to, it happens to people, more than it should and I think me hearing her tell it is good for both of us.

“Anyway, I just sat there for a while and finally got up and walked to Keith’s office, expecting it to be locked and him to be off playing golf or whatever he did. But no, he was there and he didn’t even have to say a damn thing. The look on his face was so fucking cocky and just he didn’t give a shit about me and I knew it. And suddenly all his little office trips to LA on the weekends and cell phone calls that he’d leave the room to take all started creeping in my head. I remember he slowly stood up behind his desk and walked around and all he said was “look” and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I punched him in the face and the stomach, told him if he ever spoke to me or looked at me again I’d kill him, and then walked out of his office and left for good. I didn’t even get the shit out of my desk that was mine. I knew I’d be fired and I honestly didn’t care.”

I actually start to smile at her. I’m actually proud of her. And suddenly, the thought of her pissed off and not taking any shit, punching that jerk in the face becomes very, very sexy. “I knew you were a bad ass.”

“So the disorderly conduct thing comes from that.”

“What a fucking pussy! Couldn’t even just look you in the face and say to you that it was over.”

She sighs and looks right at me, shrugging, seemingly apologetic. “That’s why I get so defensive, because I want someone to be straight up with me. I want you to just be honest with me and hell, if you stop liking me just tell me that. But…I don’t know. I guess it’s unfair, and I see now that half the time you don’t even know what you want or how you feel about me. I don’t either. I feel like this could be really good, that maybe this could be the thing that gets me over him, that proves to me that not all men are assholes and that I can be myself and still be in a relationship. But most of the time I get too scared and I do whatever I can to push you away.”

“It’s so weird how people work. I mean, I know Justin’s had a fucked up past but he was able to push it away to be with Meredith.”

She rolls her eyes. “And now we have to deal with them.”

“Ya know, we…I don’t know, we could try to push it away, too.”

“Haven’t we tried?”

“Have we?” She stares at me. “I mean it seems to me that all we do is go back and forth. Never really making a decision.”

“Well then what would you like to do about it?”

“I’d…I’d like to be with you.” She blushes. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her really do that. It fades quickly. “I mean, I think I’d like to be more than what we are now. I’m tired of this back and forth drama.”

“Me too.”

I find myself staring, unable to look away from her and smiling. She’s beautiful and I don’t just say that about any girl. She’s smiling back at me and even though I haven’t touched her this morning, haven’t tried to kiss her or anything, I feel like we just did something incredible. I feel like we’ve connected, as stupid as that sounds. I guess now, it’s like solid between us. I feel like maybe that it’s possible for me and her to work. Maybe we both aren’t so fucked over that this would just be one disaster covering another.

It’s been too serious and even though the idea that’s crossing my mind is stupid and childish and pathetic, it’ll make her laugh. I’m damn positive it’ll make her laugh.

I point to her satchel that’s open and laying between her and the wall on the seat of the booth. “Hand me that paper right there.”

“What are you doing…” She hands me the legal pad and I flip a few pages back to an empty sheet and pluck the marker from the dry erase board that is hanging above me. I now notice that written there in Meredith’s girly handwriting is “I am flippin’ awesome” and “Teddy is a weeb and ½” and a smiley face and a flower. I laugh and stare at her as I start to write. “Oh no, that looks mischievous.”

Suddenly, the bus comes to a stop and I realize that we must have been slowing down even though I hadn’t noticed it. I look out of the window and see we’re parked at a Texaco station. There doesn’t seem to be much else around, no fast food restaurants, just dry desert like land and the highway. Yeah, we must be getting close to Vegas.

“Everything alright?” I ask Jack.

He turns, stretches and shrugs, tapping his headpiece that he uses to talk to other buses. “Mere’s getting on to do her interviews?” He turns off the engine and opens the door to get some fresh air.

“Oh shit…” Courtney groans and pulls her satchel over to her lap and starts sorting through shit. “The stupid interviews.”

I barely get through with writing what I want and folding the paper up when I hear squealing outside. “Stop it! Justin…” Meredith comes hopping up on her bus in sweat pants and a tank top, her hair in pigtails. She turns and points outside, speaking in her fake authoritative tone. “I swear, stop it.”

I’ve seen the girl in the past few days shout some orders and I was kind of shocked that a tiny girl like her can be so demanding. Most of the time when she’s just playing around she’ll shout orders and you just laugh at her ‘cause you know she’s being silly. I think everyone kind of realized that she’s not just in this to be with her boyfriend.

She’s serious about this tour. And she’s a good girl.

I laugh when I hear Justin’s pathetic guilty voice. “I ain’t doing nothin’!”

I stare at Court and she rolls her eyes as they come up on the bus. They stop right in front of us, staring at each other. Justin’s grinning and she’s frowning at him. “I’m serious, you better stop poking me and tickling me or I’m gonna break your fingers. Teddy!”

The bus seems to give in to Teddy’s weight as he steps up on the bus with a heavy sigh, his hood over his head and a duffle bag over his shoulder. He looks about as tired of their antics as we are. Lord, he’s probably had to deal with them all morning. And night.

“Hey Jack, how much longer till we hit Vegas, baby?” Justin says in one of his many stupid voices.

Jack is yawning. “An hour or two ‘til the hotel.”

I watch as Mere plops down beside Courtney for a moment hugging her around the neck, much to her dislike. “Hey Court, have a nice ride?”

“Morning.”

“Do we have anything to eat? Justin only had a beer, bottled water and ONE Werther’s original.”

“Hey! I’ll have Trace stock up on food for us.” I fake smile at Meredith and she sticks her tongue out at me before talking to Courtney about how cute her hair looks. Justin moves to the side as Teddy barrels through the bus, moving directly towards his bunk. It’s amazing how in less than a minute, the quiet, peaceful, slightly romantic atmosphere that Courtney and I had going on is completely destroyed, turned into the Meredith and Justin show.

“Make a list and I’ll have it stocked before you ride to Texas.”

Meredith pouts at me and looks up at Justin. “But I wanna ride my bus to San Antonio…”

“What about my dogs? Your bus isn’t built for them.”

Courtney’s looking outside and I know what she’s thinking. She wants an escape. I want one, too. With her. Damn, they’re annoying. “Justin! Why did I even get this bus if you’re not gonna let me ride on it?”

He throws up his hands and scoffs at her before walking back into the back part of the bus where her bed is. “Fine, I’ll fucking ride by myself…”

She groans and shuffles after him, calling his name in that annoying tone that girls get when their boyfriends tease them. Funny how when you have a girlfriend you tease them just to hear that annoying voice, loving it. But you always hate it on every other girl that isn’t yours.

I lean into the aisle and glance back to make sure they’ve left us alone but all I can see is Teddy on his cell phone, putting stuff into his bunk. I turn back and pass Courtney the note I just wrote her. “What’s this?” She opens it. Her mouth drops and though she rolls her eyes at me, they’re sparkling. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Shh, don’t tell anyone.”

She laughs for a good while and finally shakes her head and says, “You’re a dork.” After a few moments she hands me back the piece of paper.

I open my mouth to ask her for real, not just say it on the paper, but Meredith comes back into view, opening up the cabinets above the sink beside us. “Hey Mere, comfy bunks,” I say, trying to distract myself.

“Thanks! I picked-…” He’s back again, pinching her sides and laughing. Damn, he can really be pathetic. “JUSTIN!” She turns and smacks his hands and his shoulder. “I’m serious. You’re a fucking five year old this morning.”

He wraps his arms around her waist and says in a low voice to her. “It’s what happens when you have sex with me on a bus!”

I glance at Courtney and cringe. She’s covering her eyes. It’s nice to have her with me, to be able to share in the frustration brought about by the disgusting love our friends have for each other. I almost wonder what’s up with Justin, why he’s saying shit like that, admitting to having sex in the presence of someone he dislikes and is so suspicious of.

Meredith pushes at him, “Ew, shut up!”

Courtney speaks up and I’m thankful. I think she can tell that this is as uncomfortable for me as her. She perfectly gives Meredith a diversion. “You wanna get ready for your phone-ins out here or in the back?”

“In the back, AWAY from HIM!” She pushes Justin away and though she’s frowning at him I know damn well she’s not mad at him and we’ll probably have to listen to them have sex before we get to Vegas. At least maybe we’ll be able to talk some more. Courtney gets up to leave and she follows Meredith.

I hear a door slam shut and I look up at Justin. He looks tired, already. I know promotion has been hell for him the past few weeks but shit, we haven’t even started touring yet. Sometimes he…well I guess I sound like his mom or something, but he doesn’t take care of himself very well on tour. It’s not that he overworks himself or goes partying every night. I guess it’s hard for him to sleep sometimes, sometimes he forgets how much sleep he really needs, how much food he needs.

It’s almost like he’s a grown-ass baby.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m being too harsh. I guess I just don’t want to see him make himself sick again, like he always does when he’s on tour.

“You’re an ass.”

“Eh, I’m just messin’ with her. She likes it.” He opens up the cabinet she was looking in and pulls out a box of Lucky Charms, chanting to himself. “Hell yes…”

I finally get the chance to open up the paper Courtney handed back to me and I start to smile really, really big. I had wrote her a note asking if she’d be my girlfriend with a yes and no check box. Hell if Justin can get away with continually annoying his girlfriend, I can write Courtney a stupid, immature little note. I know, I know I’m a fucking loser but hell, it got her to smile and I figured she’d find it cute and sweet.

And…apparently she did.

“What? What’s that?” I quickly fold the paper back up and tuck it close into the center of my palm. I shake my head at Justin who’s staring at me with a weird expression. He sits down where Courtney used to be, his hand stuck down in the box of cereal.

“Nothing…”

I don’t know where she found a pen because I didn’t see her write on the paper. I just saw her read it. But there it is clear as day.

Courtney Dawson played my silly, childish, little game of note writing.