Meredith’s kitchen, 9:45 p.m.

I promise I’m not freaking out. I’m ok, really I am. I have to be. Plus, this is just one of the downsides of being a singer. This stuff happens and there’s no point dwelling on it. Just pick up, move on and get over it. It’s not like they hurt anyone. I mean, maybe they got Justin riled up but it’s ok. He’s over it now. I’m over it.

The water is way too hot coming from the faucet and I smack the handle down, sigh and look over at Justin. He’s still sitting at the kitchen table. He’s still staring at me. He’s been quiet all night. He hasn’t really talked to me. I guess it’s hard to when someone’s got themselves in their room, in their bed, under the covers. I guess that was kind of a stupid thing to do, immature or something. But I just, I wanted to feel safe and closed off and he was pacing and I told Megan I wanted to be alone so she just started watching TV. But I really didn’t want to be alone. I wanted him with me.

I wanted to tell him how much that scared me, but he seemed to be so frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to make him worry any more. Plus it’s stupid for me to be scared. This stuff happens. Crying about it in bed isn’t going to make any difference. I’m supposed to just suck it up and handle it and put on a smile and act like nothing’s bothering me. It shouldn’t bother me. They were just doing their job, right?

But it does bother me. I don’t mind it when I’m out doing work, or even when I go shopping. It’s awkward and unsettling sometimes, especially if I’m having a crappy day or know I look like shit. But…but this is different. They aren’t supposed to get this close, they aren’t supposed to be able to get me here. And the fact that Justin got so worked up… I know, I know he did ‘cause I saw him through my bedroom window and I could hear him yelling at the guy and getting in his face. It scared me a little. I thought, I always thought Justin was one of those guys that always kept himself in check, who could always keep his cool and knew how to handle situations. But now I’m finding out that he’s…sometimes he’s like this time bomb and I’m afraid that the slightest thing is going to set him off. I don’t want to set him off.

And I wonder if maybe, maybe the fact that I’ve been mean to him lately, ya know putting restrictions on him and teasing him about everything that’s happened between him and Courtney and Courtney and Trace, maybe that’s gotten to him. Maybe I helped fuel all that anger. Maybe he’s just freaked out like I am and instead of running in a bedroom and covering up underneath the sheets and comforter, he gets mad and paces and yells and bites his nails like he’s doing right now.

He really needs to stop that.

“You wanna help me?” I ask quietly, hearing everyone else bust out in laughter at some movie they are watching in the den. Megan made some pasta casserole thing tonight but I wasn’t really hungry and just had a banana and sat in my room by myself and sorted some laundry that really didn’t need to be sorted yet. I offered to clean up the dishes even though Megan told me she would do it. I just needed something to do. I needed something to occupy my mind.

Sure I could just rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher, but…but hand washing takes a lot longer.

I turn the water back on, this time to lukewarm. I rinse off one plate and pick up the sponge and look over my shoulder.

He’s still just staring at me.

“Can’t talk?” I smile at him, turn back around and my smile fades. I look out of the window in front of me and quickly reach up with wet, soapy hands and pull down the blinds. You…you just never know.

The plates and cups shift in the sink, making a loud plop noise and sloshing some water around. I jump and try not to let it be noticeable that I just freaked myself out beyond reason. I take a breath and stare down at the murky, sud-filled water. Why the hell am I doing this?

“Mere…”

I lick my lips and reach down in the water looking for my dropped sponge. The water is hot and burns my arms. I pull up the stopper. They’ve soaked for a while now. I can’t find my sponge, though.

“Mere…”

“Huh?” There it is. I grab it and pull it out, squeezing it hard and wishing all my insecurities and this shit that’s on my mind would squeeze out, too.

I drop the fucking sponge again and smack my hand against the counter, getting it wet. Great, just fucking great. It’s like this night was just set against me. And we were supposed to be celebrating the fact that I went gold in my first week. We were supposed to be drinking and having good food and having a great night and I…I was going to tease Justin and have a good time with him and laugh and make him happy and get him to flirt with me and…and it was going to be perfect, one of the last nights like this before tour. Next week he has a lot of promo and then after that we start touring and I didn’t even get to celebrate anything the way I wanted to. All I wanted was a night out. A simple, fun night out.

And it’s ruined. And now I can’t even fucking wash the dishes without problems.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes wide, hoping the tears that are threatening will get sucked back in magically or something. It doesn’t work and I raise my arm to blot them against the dry part of my arm before they fall. I’m such a fucking pathetic, little baby. Such a little girl, always crying over random stupid things.

“Mere, will you please stop that and come here?” I swallow the lump that’s in my throat and try not to acknowledge the worry in his voice, the concern, the pleading. I look over my shoulder real quickly and, and I find myself staring back at him. I dry my hands quickly and I walk over to him. When he came in here several minutes ago he pulled the chair out from the kitchen table so he could sit in it but wasn’t necessarily underneath the table. He reaches up and takes my hand. “Will you sit?”

“Yeah…”

I turn to get a chair but he pulls me down into his lap instead and pulls me hard against him, burying his face against my shoulder and kissing the skin there that’s exposed by my strapless shirt. I should have changed back into comfy clothes, but I’m still in my outfit for going out. I took my shoes off though. “That’s better.”

“Justin…” It feels like heaven having him hold me. This, this is what I’ve been needing but his knees are poking into the left side of my ass and it’s not really comfortable to sit like this with him leaning a lot of his weight against my torso.

He pulls back a bit and stares at me, but there’s not a smile on his face and I’d give anything to see that. His blue eyes are watery and tired. “Let’s just sit like this for a second.”

“Your knees are bony.”

“Oh…”

I smile at him and stand off him again, “Here…” I resituate myself so I’m leaning against him and he’s leaning back against the chair and I’m straddling his lap. I know that’s probably a really bold thing to do but it’s not like it’s sexual. I just, if he wants to hold me, I want him to really hold me and I want to be comfortable and I want to be able to rest against him and feel his body against mine. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean my head against his shoulder. I sigh and feel the muscles in his shoulders relax. I feel him breathe out a deeply against my neck and I feel his lips kiss me there softly. His hands run slowly against my back and I hold him tightly, my feet resting on the rungs underneath the chair, staring at my pruned fingers. This…this is much better.

I guess it’s kind of stupid that some stupid photographers can make us so needy of each other. But maybe, maybe it’s more than that. Maybe there’s other stuff going on with him that I don’t know about and…and maybe I’m kind of ignoring how much tonight freaked me out.

He slouches a bit and pulls back, looking up at me. “Hey…” I try to smile at him but it doesn’t work. His hand runs through my hair and he holds it there against the side of my head. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” I’m not. And I know he knows I’m full of shit.

“Dammit Meredith, don’t lie to me about it.”

“I’m not.”

“Then why have you been in a zombie state all night?”

I can’t look at him and let him know how much tonight has completely fucked up my mind. Plus, it’s not like I’m the only one that was affected here. It’s not like I’m some fragile child. He was the one acting weird, too. And I call him on it. I don’t like it when people fuss over me about this kind of thing. I can deal with problems like this on my own. I don’t want him to try to decipher all my thoughts ‘cause then he’ll realize how much this is getting to me and then he’ll probably think I’m naïve or something. “I’ve just got stuff on my mind. Don’t even talk about it to me, you’re the one that blew up.”

“Cause, cause they were saying horrible shit about us, about you. And this...this is supposed to be the one place they can’t get you. This is your home Meredith.”

“I fucking know that, ok?” I pull back and slouch, still straddling him but not leaning against him any more. I run my hands through my hair and he pulls his hands and arms behind his head and just stares at me with those crystal, perfect blue eyes and shakes his head.

“Please…please don’t do this. Don’t get mad at me. Get mad and angry and upset but don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry I just…” I lean back against him like a dead weight. I don’t put my arms around him but he brings his down around my back and holds me there firmly. “I’m fine really.”

“No you aren’t. Damn girl…” I feel him kiss my head and then lean to say softly into my ear. “You can let it out on me.”

“There’s nothing to let out Justin. Stop pushing me to feel something…”

He shuts up and I probably shouldn’t be so moody with him but I just, I can’t handle this right now. I don’t wanna talk and I don’t wanna figure this out. I just want to sit here with him and pretend like I’m ok. This is better, quiet with him is better. Justin sitting here against me is better. I’m ridiculous. I just, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

I’m probably just overreacting. I mean, so what? It wasn’t like they were murderers or something. It wasn’t like they hit me or threw something at me or anything like that. They just took some footage and some pictures and talked shit. Big deal.

But…but this is my house.

I put my arms around him and sigh. I want this feeling to go away, this awkward almost embarrassed feeling to go away. I don’t know why it’s there and I don’t know what my problem is. I feel like a mess, not just about tonight but about the past week, about ever since I left him in Tennessee. I was ok in New York without him. I called him all the time and he called me and we had fun playing phone tag and leaving silly messages and stuff, but I still didn’t feel right. And then all that stuff happened at the awards and ever since then, I don’t know. It’s like I’ve been disappointed, not in him, not in our relationship, I guess just I know that something’s off. We bonded so much in Tennessee, we got really close, and it wasn’t just because we had sex, even though that was a big factor. I was with his family and it wasn’t stressful and I didn’t have to be on my toes hoping I didn’t fuck up. It was natural like I belonged there. And ever since its like a week will go by and I feel like we’re getting closer, getting back to how we were, and then something happens, whether it’s his fault or my fault or some random thing like tonight.

And I have to wonder how tonight would be different if he wasn’t here, if I was by myself or with Megan. Would I be as freaked out? Probably. I mean, it’s a good thing he was here to handle it, well he didn’t really handle it. I guess it was a good thing Court and Trace were here.

He kisses my neck and sighs against me again. His hands are now up my shirt, pressing his fingers into my lower back and making me groan slightly. Maybe that will solve all my problems, a nice long massage.

“Whoa sorry…” My head shoots up at the sound and I almost knock my head against Justin’s. It’s just Megan, coming in, covering her eyes and dramatically trying to feel her way to the fridge.

I laugh just a bit. I’m so glad she’s here. I hate that she got drug into this tonight, but glad she’s here to figure out a way to get me to smile and forget everything that’s happened. “We’re just sitting. It’s fine. What’s up?”

“Nothing, just getting something to drink.” I watch her turn to open the fridge and she pulls out a bottle of water, turns around, letting the door close back on its own. She stares right at me and I can almost predict her words, “You ok?”

“Yes, dammit.” It pisses me off. And I’m a horrible friend and a horrible bitch but I glare at her, push myself off of Justin and go back to my dishes in the sink. I pick up the green sponge and start scrubbing furiously, trying to even scrub the fucking print off the plate. “I’m fucking fine,” I mumble to myself, turning the water to ice cold so I can rinse off the plate. That temperature is almost as bad as the hot from before.

I hear her say, “Ohh kay…” in a slow voice and walk out of the room.

I hate myself and I hate the way I act and that just pisses me off even more.

“Mere…”

I don’t want him to come over here and tell me that was wrong and that I’m a horrible friend and girlfriend. I just want to be alone. “Leave me alone.”

“No way.” His front is soon against my back and he’s putting his arms around me, forcing me to let go of the plate, forcing me to lean back against him. And I don’t mind. The anger fades into worry and then into disappointment and a bit of fear.

He holds me while I rinse off my hands, blot them on the towel and then finally I’m able to turn around and burry myself in the front of his chest. He smells so good and looks so good tonight and I just want to live inside of him and block out the world. “They…” I sigh and look up at him. “They weren’t supposed to be able to get to me.”

He runs his hand over my head, kisses my forehead and looks down into my eyes, holding onto my neck with one hand. “I know, I know girl. They got to me, too. They knew exactly what to say. It’s like someone had coached them.”

“Don’t say that.” I look back down at his chest and press my cheek against it, holding him tightly. “I just. I’m supposed to be able to handle this. I’m supposed to be ok with it and just smile or hide my face or whatever. We should have just gotten in the car and left.”

“We probably should have done a lot of things differently. Hell, I know I should have. I was about to beat up the guy because of the shit he was saying about you.” His fingers running through my hair feel good and suddenly it starts to get better. Even though I’m still worried and we’re still talking about it and I’m still a little scared, it starts to not be so bad any more. We’re here and we’re ok and we’re together.

“And…and tonight was supposed to be really special. I mean my best friend is here and we were all gonna go out and have a great time and, and I was going to go out with you and I love going out with you. This was my night, our night and it was fucking ruined because, because of those assholes. And it shouldn’t have been. We should have just brushed them aside but, but we didn’t and…”

“Shh.” I don’t realize until after he has shushed me that my heart is starting to beat fast and my voice is getting that panicky tone, but I can’t stop because I have more to say, more to tell him.

I look up at him and feel myself about to cry when I say, “They scared me really bad.” I pull away a bit and wipe at my eyes. I wish I wasn’t such a baby about everything. “I hate admitting that ‘cause I feel like a child. And I know Courtney doesn’t get it and Teddy is just so happy go lucky with every fucking thing and, and Megan doesn’t understand. I mean she does because of all that Leah shit, but she’s just got a back bone made of metal and nothing can ever bring her down. And I think Trace has got all this other shit on his mind and then there’s you…”

His hands cup my face and he bends down and says to me, “It’s not childish, Mere. I get it. I really do and I completely know how you feel. You freak out and you feel pathetic because everyone else is like just forget about it and move on. But we have to live with it every fucking day and it’s like what’s next, ya know?”

“I mean, what if they’ve been here before with me and you here and the blinds were open and they saw us and…”

“Shh…” He pulls me back into a tight hug. “I don’t even know if they really knew what they were doing. Somehow they got in, but I doubt the security here is gonna let that happen again. And if you don’t feel comfortable we’ll get you a new place or you can stay with me…”

I roll my eyes and scoff. “Yeah right…” I know Justin doesn’t want to live with his girlfriend. I know that’s something he’s done before and he thinks its one of the causes of the deterioration of it. I know he thinks that’s something you should save for marriage or when you’re ready to give that kind of commitment. He would never want to live with me. Well, at least not anytime soon.

“I’d do anything for you Mere. You know that, right?”

It’s not that I don’t doubt him, it’s just…I feel like he’s saying things just to try to make me smile. I know I’m a little more into this relationship than he is, but at the same time I know he loves me and, and I know that his problems with us and how close we are and all of his fears, I...I know deep down that really has very little to do with me. But I don’t want him to lie to me. I don’t know, sometimes it’s weird. Sometimes I feel like we’re so in love and completely untouchable and then other times I feel like I’m having to drag him along like an eight year old who doesn’t want to go shopping.

I change the subject quickly because I don’t want him making any more promises that’s he’s not positive to keep. “I’m sorry I’ve been mean to you.”

“I’ve deserved it. I really have.”

I shrug and pull back a bit to lean against the counter. “It just seems so pathetic and trite now. I mean, we got in a fight. It’s ok though, I’ll get over it and here all this shit happens and I should have just… I don’t know, maybe if I hadn’t been so bitchy to you, you…”

He interrupts me. “I would have been just as upset about all this Mere. Stop making this your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I look away from him and cross my arms. “I just don’t understand how they got into the neighborhood.”

“Ok…” He moves and leans beside me on the counter, mirroring my position, even with his arms folded over his chest. “We’re both going to have to chill out and get past this.”

“You’re right. I guess Teddy and Tiny did do a search and they’re here and they won’t let anything happen to us.”

He nudges me and smiles, “Maybe we should just get drunk and pass out and forget about it.”

“Maybe…” I roll my eyes but he’s got this cheesy smile on his face, and it makes me crack a grin myself. I love how he can do that for me. “You just want to get me drunk…”

He’s on me faster than I can think, arms around me, lips against my neck, smiling into my skin and whispering, “You’re kinky when you’re drunk.”

“Hey!” I smack at his shoulder but then he starts to laugh and tickles my sides, and I squeal at him and smack him some more and before I know it I’m kissing him, arms around his neck, leaning into him and sighing. I pull away and say, “I need this. I needed that. I need to just be with you and forget about all this shit.”

He keeps his arms around me. “We shouldn’t just push it away and forget about it, especially if it’s really bothering you.”

“You know what I mean. I just don’t want this to ruin any more of our night.”

He gives me a half grin, “I know what you mean.”

I look into his face and his eyes and I wonder if he knows what I’m trying to say. I want to be with him tonight, in every meaning of the term. I don’t care about fighting or what happened tonight. I need him and I hope he knows that. I lean into him a little more and lick my lips. “Do you?”

His mouth opens just for a moment, a little shocked looked that quickly morphs into a bright smile. “Does this mean I’m out of the doghouse?”

I kiss him for his answer. I kiss him hard and he moans against me and it makes me feel so good. It’s probably silly that being sexual with him or whatever it is, is the cure for everything with us, but I don’t really think that’s a bad thing. It’s a connection and it’s a deep feeling. I mean, I can’t really vouch for him, but when I get like this, part of it is just this instinct or this sexual attraction, or desire that’s hard to ignore but, but a lot of it is more than that. It’s about being close to him, being in love with him, being silly with him and, and I don’t know. It’s more than just plain old sex.

It’s so much more.

“I love you.” He breathes out to me when I pull away.

I smile at him and kiss him quickly once more. “I love you…”

It takes one moment and one look and one small smile and we’ve both forgotten about the dishes, forgotten about the fight and are holding hands, him walking behind me into the den area. There’s that 40 Year Old Virgin movie playing and it’s the only thing that’s providing light in the room. Megan’s sprawled on the floor, Tiny and Teddy are on my big couch, taking up most of the space on it and Courtney and Trace are trying to not look so obvious on the smaller couch. They’re so cute, and it seems that they’ve worked out their problems. I can’t really tell. It’s not like they’re leaning on each other or anything. But I know if they were fighting, Courtney wouldn’t be anywhere near him.

I let go of Justin’s hand and go and sit down beside Teddy, hugging him, annoying him and curling up to him. “Hey T…”

He ignores me and stuffs some popcorn into his mouth. When the hell did they make popcorn? “You want me to stay tonight?” He asks, not looking away from the screen.

I pull back from him and sigh. I know he probably had plans with his girl tonight and I completely ruined them. I’m selfish and I want him to stay here ‘cause I’ll feel better and safer, but I guess it’s not really fair to him. “No, it’s ok. You probably had plans tonight anyway.”

He looks at me and smiles, “I’m stayin’.”

This is why I love this guy. “Thanks. You really don’t-“

“Shut up. I’m trying to watch the movie.”

I laugh at him, smack his broad shoulder and get up. No one else is paying attention to me, and Megan hasn’t looked at me which means she’s pissed, which means in the morning I need to play damage control. I know it’ll only take a few minutes and an apology. That’s the thing about Megan, as long as I apologize she’s ok. I’m the same way with her. Sure, we fight, but we don’t let it take over our friendship.

Well, I guess she could be asleep on the floor. That girl can sleep anywhere.

Justin’s still just standing there against the entranceway to my den from the kitchen and I smile at him and grab his hand again and pull him down the hallway towards my bedroom. It gets dark in the hallway quickly and when we get close to my door I grab him, kiss him and pull away saying, “I kind of want to take a bath.”

“Ok…” He nods and pulls my door open for me.

He follows me through my bedroom into the bathroom and sits up on my counter while I turn the water on. Once the temperature is right I turn to look at him, letting the tub fill up. He’s still on my counter, reading the back of one of my lotion bottles. I look into the basket I have beside my tub and pull out my favorite bubble bath. It’s this stuff my momma sent me, nothing too fancy but it has the best smell. If I had thought about it I would have lit some of the candles I have in here, but I’m not really concerned with that right now.

I grin at him and squeeze some liquid into the running water. “Do you mind girly bubbles?”

His eyebrows raise and he stands up off the counter, setting the lotion back where he found it, and coming closer to me, “Does that mean this is a bath for two?”

I turn the bottle upside down and close the top, putting it back in the basket and then turning and pulling him against me. “I need to be with you tonight.”

I lean in to kiss him, but he says to me before I get the chance, “Are you sure, Mere? Shit happened tonight but that doesn’t mean you have to push back or throw away what I did. I’ve been kind of pathetic and…”

“Would you shut up?” I say and smile at him. “I don’t wanna think about it. And maybe I am pushing it away but…but, fuck Justin…” I pull my arms down over his chest and feel his muscle underneath his shirt with my hands. Man, I wanna feel his body next to mine with nothing in between, nothing holding us back. I wanna touch his skin so bad. “Tonight fucked with my head. That’s not supposed to happen. I’m supposed to just deal with it but I can’t right now. And I don’t want to think about what’s happened this past week or anything. And…and I need to be with you ‘cause, ‘cause you’re something solid in my life and it’ll…it’ll make me feel right again.”

He puts his arms around me and grabs onto my ass, pulling me flush against him. “You make me feel right.”

We kiss and its slow and warm and he lets our tongues play passionately, attacking me almost. But I like it. I pull away and work on the buttons of his shirt. He needs to start wearing shirts with snaps, or without buttons or something. “It’s been too long…” I say in a rushed tone. “What the hell was I thinking keeping myself from you? We just started, we just started having sex and then I take it away from us. And it was so good Justin. It was really good.”

He pulls his shirt off the rest of the way and I tug mine over my head and throw it towards the door. “Especially in the shower.” He winks at me.

Shit, thinking about when he did me in the shower with the water and his hands all over me and his hips thrusting so damn slow… fuck. He’s evil. “Oh my god…lets get in or we’ll never make it.”

He laughs at me and we finish undressing ourselves quickly and quietly. My hair is pulled back tightly on top of my head and I only stop my frantic movements when my clothes are gone and the water needs to be shut off. We end up staring at each other like teenagers seeing their boyfriend or girlfriend naked for the first time. I can see him look me up and down, licking his lips and, and he’s already hard and his body looks so good naked, so tight and sculpted. I force myself to break my stare or I know we’ll never get in the bath and end up making love on the floor. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I hate wasting all that water.

I get in first and the water is scalding but once I completely sit down it seems to be ok. I sit up and slide close to the faucet so he can get in. Soon I feel arms around me, pulling me back and my body completely relaxes against his warm, wet skin. His body is solid behind me and his arms around me and even his legs on either side of me make me feel so safe and enclosed. Not in a prison or anything like that, but in a safe little comfort zone, a fortress. I giggle, I guess the bath would be the moat.

I think I filled the moat a little too full, because the bubbles and water are threatening to spill over. I’m not use to baths for two, but I think I’m going to fall in love with the concept.

“I use to love taking baths when I was a kid.”

“You did? I didn’t.” I say with a smile. I can feel his chest move with laughter behind me. “I couldn’t stand it. My mom would have to force me into the tub and then when I got old enough for showers she’d time me so I couldn’t cheat and get out without really scrubbing down.”

“I can’t picture you as a tomboy.”

“Oh I wasn’t. I’m horrible at sports and you’ve seen me with bugs and spiders. I just…” I turn my head and stick my tongue out at him. “I was lazy. Then I got into middle school and discovered makeup was just like coloring but with a face instead of a sheet of paper. And boys liked girls who smelled pretty. That’s also when all of my friends discovered a store called the Bath and Body Works. You could smell the Freesia on me from miles away.”

“Oh lord…” I smile and stretch my arms over my head and around the back of his neck. His hands come up out of the water, filled with suds and he grabs my breasts and starts to massage them. “Mmm, soapy boobies.”

I laugh but he doesn’t pull his hands away. “Why do you have to call them that? They’re breasts, Justin.”

“I’m immature, still stuck in middle school. Still trying to get some hot girl that smells like Freesia.” I get a wet kiss placed on my neck. “I thought you knew this.”

I wiggle against him just a little bit so I can brush against his erection in a playful manner. I turn and grin up at him. “Just don’t do anything prematurely in the tub.”

He moves his hands down to pinch my sides but it doesn’t hurt. “Hey…”

“Teasing…”

He pulls me more against him, this time pushing himself into me so I can feel how much he wants me. That makes me feel good, to know, to feel that he wants me. “You’re always teasing. Have you always been this way?”

“What do you mean?”

“I bet you were a tease in school.”

“Not really, I was dating someone most of my high school life and in college. And in middle school most of us drooled after high school boys who wouldn’t give us the light of day.” It’s probably silly and I know I look weird, but I decide to turn around and lay against him so that I can see him and so our fronts can be pushed together. He laughs a little bit as water sloshes everywhere, but before long I’m situated with him a little slouched down so the water’s level with his chest and we’re kissing and I can tell he likes it. I can feel that he likes it.

“You look really beautiful tonight.” He says softly. “Especially now, with me. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but you just…I don’t know. I guess sometimes I just look at you and get amazed.”

I smile at him but then it fades, ‘cause I realize that I haven’t seen that soft look in his eyes and that genuine smile both together in that manner in so long. Some form of doubt enters my mind and, and before I know it I blurt it out. “Will you tell me the truth…” His eyebrows rise a bit. It’s too late now, I have to ask. I’ve been able to infer it from some of the shit Courtney’s said and Megan came right out and told me earlier today what she thinks and now, now I have to know myself. Honesty is a big thing for me in relationships and I can’t just hide that part of me now. “You don’t really want to tour with me, do you?”

“What?” He sits up a bit, forcing me to do the same or fall down into the water. I sit in front of him balled up with my knees at my chest. “Of course I do. I just…”

“I’m not gonna break up with you on tour. Unless you do something that’s really horrible. Even if we get in the world’s biggest fight, I still wanna try and I still wanna work it out if we can, before, during, or after the tour.”

He lets out a deep breath and scratches his head for a second. “I’m getting really stressed out Mere. Work messes me up. I love it, but promo wears me out like nothing else, more so than touring, and I’ll go ahead and warn you I’m not gonna be fun this next week. I promise I wont take anything out on you, but I’m just not gonna be the normal, relaxed, calm guy. I guess I haven’t been him for a few weeks now. I just don’t sleep well during promotion, I get this temper and attitude. I shouldn’t even say this. It’s not an excuse for being an ass, I just. Sometimes I can turn into this bad version of myself and, and I’m really going to try to stop that and be more conscious of it. And I’m, I’m really anxious about this album. I thought it’d be easier the second time, but it’s not. And now, now with you…I’ve just never done this before. I’ve never gone on tour with a girl I’m with. I mean like, when I was with Britney I’d go visit her but it wasn’t like we were touring together. This is work, Mere. We’re working together, we’re gonna be onstage together. This is what like…” He chews on his lip and darts his eyes away. “Like what married couples do.”

Oh.

Oh ok, now I think I get it.

I lick my lips and grab one of his hands, thinking over my words carefully. His fingers are starting to prune, and mine already look disgusting from the bath water and the dish water. “It…it just kind of makes sense to me. I mean, that’s how we started out, right? That’s how we met, working. And we do work really well together.” I look up at his eyes which are now looking directly at me. “And I totally will respect it and understand if there are days when you just wanna be by yourself. I’ll hide away in my bus and let you be and just perform with you that night and then leave you alone some more.”

“Please girl, you really think I’m gonna let you hide on your bus?”

“Well, we’ll each have our own.”

“So?” He reaches out and pulls me to him, kissing me thoroughly for a moment while I try to unravel my legs and get comfortable. “You know we’ll be shacking up together every damn night.”

He’s smiling at me and I smile back. God, he knows what to do to make me feel good. “It’s ‘cause you’re too horny for your own good.”

“Maybe, but maybe you like it.” He smiles at me. I squeal when I feel his hands in between my legs and he laughs at me and water goes everywhere and I don’t care and we end up kissing again and again. I wind up back like we started with my back against his front, but my head is tilted so I can kiss him and his hand… His hand is between my legs and it’s slow and nothing much more than a light touch, but it makes me sigh and makes this ache I have for him multiply within seconds.

“This…” I sigh and let my legs open more. Dear God it’s been too long. “This is what I need. Just you and me and nothing else.”

I look up at him and he pulls his hand away for a moment, relaxes it on my thigh and stares right at me. “I’m not worried about the tour, Mere. Maybe I was and I have a tendency to freak myself out easily and I do have some concerns about it. But I think if we can do this and make it through we’ll…we’ll be stronger in the end.”

That’s exactly how I feel.

“This is special, really special to me and I don’t wanna pressure you or anything like that, but…but I want you to know that this...this is really different for me. I’ve only been serious with two guys before, but…but this is still very different than that.” I smile, turn a little so I can put my arms around him and kiss him briefly. “You’re everything I want and need just wrapped up in this package called Justin Timberlake.”

He smiles back at me. “You’re sweet and you’re way too good for me. Too good to me.”

“Maybe I am…but is that a bad thing?”

He starts to stare at me. He does this sometimes and while at first it sort of freaked me out the more our relationship progresses the more I’m starting to get use to it and even like it. Soon a wet hand comes up to my cheek, but I don’t mind because his blue eyes are staring right into my own. “One day, one day I’m going to really show you how much you mean to me.”

“Justin…” I sigh, pull myself against him and bury my face into his strong neck. “You don’t have to show me or tell me, somehow I just know. I know.”

He always worries about it. I know he thinks he doesn’t show me how much I mean to him or he feels I’m more into this relationship than he is, and, and maybe I am on certain levels. But I know him, and I’ve discovered that it really is hard for him to be back in a relationship like this. And, and maybe I do push sometimes for something stronger than he wants to give.

But the funny thing is, he does give that to me in his own Justin way. He might not buy me things all the time and he might be closed off a lot and act like he’s not ready for this or for that, but I know him. I know the front he puts on. And I know that when I’m with him like I am now, when he looks at me from across the room like he did last night at my album party, when he gets protective over me like he did tonight, or when he puts up with my best friend’s psycho interrogation and doesn’t complain to me about it, I know that he’s putting a lot of effort into this, into me. It might not be special and it might not be deliberate, but I know.