Chapter 24

Meredith’s front steps, 8:59 p.m.

There’s this stillness about a summer night in LA that doesn’t quite compare to a summer night in Millington and that never has sat right with me. The distant drum of road noise echoes in your ears, and when you look up at the sky you can tell there aren’t any clouds but you still can’t see the stars. You can hear crickets and bugs in the bushes beside you, but they don’t seem to be singing like they do in Tennessee. Summer nights in Tennessee are hot, muggy, but refreshing, not chilly and dead like here. The cicadas would drown out any road noise, but there wouldn’t be any road noise anyway, just the occasional pick up with a busted headlight chugging along the two lane highway a quarter mile out in front of your front porch.

Don’t get me wrong, I like LA. I love the restaurants and the shops and being out here where there’s so much shit to do that it’s impossible for someone to be bored. But I miss being bored. I miss Tennessee. I miss being lazy and having not a damn thing to do but take a nap, or walk down to the bait shop. I miss having to just go for a drive for excitement, not going anywhere, not stopping until you got back home, just driving. I miss being in Tennessee with a girl.

She sighs next to me, a tired, bored sigh. I pull the cigarettes out of my front pocket and smack them into my palm for a moment trying to smack out the thoughts coming into my mind, the thoughts of being in Tennessee with her.

I fucked up. I fucked up bad. At least she’s sitting beside me now and at least she doesn’t seem disgusted with me like she was in the car. She didn’t want me to pick her up. She said she could do it herself, but I was already at her door at that point and she was just walking out. I said some smartass retarded thing about how carpooling is good for the environment and she rolled her eyes and mumbled something about hoping I’d choke on smog. It was silent in the car ride here and I really didn’t know what to say, so I just turned the radio up a little bit and pretended that she wasn’t even there, knowing she didn’t want me to acknowledge her.

Then we pulled up, we honked the horn. She watched the front door and watched them come out and I watched her. I looked at her and her hair and how she had pulled it back and how she was looking rather beautiful in that moment with the sun low in the sky, behind the horizon. It’s kind of how I’ve felt the past couple days, still there, still trying to peek through and get to her, knowing I’ve burnt out my time, but completely blocked, realizing I’d have to just lay low for a while until she wants me back. But I guess the sun is always around…somewhere.

I don’t know. That’s gay. I should stop thinking this way. I’m getting too deep and getting to the point where I don’t even understand what I mean.

I pull a cigarette out, I only have two left. It keeps still between my lips but I don’t light it yet, and I don’t really know why. Part of me wants a smoke so I don’t have to talk to her, so I can occupy my mouth with something else while I think about her and sit near her.

But then if I really don’t want to talk to her, why haven’t I gone inside yet? The cop left five minutes ago and I didn’t like him and I really didn’t like his attitude. I should probably check on Justin, especially since I could tell Justin was almost as furious at the cop as he was the paps.

I don’t really blame him. The fucking cop seemed amused by all this like it was a joke but at the same time annoyed, like we we’re all acting like children.

“Well, that guy was an asshole.” I say, mumbling with the cigarette about to fall from my mouth, but I know it won’t. I’ve got it under control. When I first started smoking I’d get in front of a mirror with an unlit cig and practice talking with one in my mouth, barely hanging on like you see all those bad ass guys do in the movies. I guess that’s one of the reasons I started to smoke, to look cool. My best friend was mister fucking cool, selling all these records with all these girls around, living in Florida and fucking around and having his dreams come true. And what was I? A high school drop out, with no direction, no dreams and who no girl wanted to be seen with, not even if I told them that my best friend was Justin Timberlake from Nsync.

They wouldn’t have believed me anyway. They never did.

So I started getting really into what I wore and how I acted and how I spoke. I didn’t change who I was, but I tried to refine myself, define myself. Smoking looked cool to me so I picked it up. I started drinking hard liquor instead of beer just to seem older, to be cooler.

I was the lamest fucking 16 year old.

She clears her throat, shifts a little bit next to me and sighs, “Which one?”

I still am pretty fucking lame. And I don’t know what the hell I was thinking trying to look as cool as my best friend. Justin has never been cool.

Justin’s lamer than I am.

I hold in my laughter and pull the cigarette from my mouth holding it in between my fingers. “The cop.”

“He couldn’t do anything Trace. We filed a report, but this is private property. It’s up to the private security to search the area.”

“Yeah…” I yawn. I didn’t sleep very well last night. Normally I can sleep anywhere, anytime without a problem, but I guess I had too much shit on my mind and now I’m paying for it. “It just sucks they got away.”

”Yeah, don’t take it out on that cop. He had an attitude, but he probably has a hell of a lot more important things to do than come out here and listen to two celebrities whine about getting their picture taken.”

“Are you serious? They were trespassing and harassing them, hell all of us.” I look at her and she’s not looking at me, staring down at her shoes, brushing a bit of dirt off the front of them. They’re these nice dressy short heels that are trendy and cute, something I’ve hardly ever seen her in.

“Trace, I know that.” She sighs, but still doesn’t look at me. In fact, she hasn’t really looked at me all night, all last night…ever since I fucked up. “And it pissed me off, but what can we do about it? Hell, they got exactly what they wanted. They freaked Meredith out, made her go and lock herself in her room all night and then they enraged Justin. Are you sure he doesn’t need anger management classes? I’ve never seen someone get so emotional so quickly. Not just about this Trace, about everything.”

“Justin’s an emotional guy…” I start to say more, but then I realize I should just leave him out of this. I know she hates him. I know he hates her, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Once Justin makes up his mind it takes a fucking army to make him change it.

“But…”

I cut her off quickly. We don’t need to go down this path. I wanna get her to like me again and I wanna make up for hurting her feelings like I did, and talking about Justin with her isn’t going to make this conversation pleasant at all. “But nothing…”

“You were gonna say something…”

“Just…” I rub my forehead and shift to finally pull my lighter out of my front pocket. It’s this fancy thing with my initials all engraved on it that my sister gave me for Christmas. My mom got mad, but I told her I’d just use it to light candles. Ha. I don’t even own candles. “I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.”

Justin does though. I have to buy this special kind for him from this specialty store in Beverly Hills. I mean, Justin can go there and buy them himself, but a lot of times it’s just easier if I do it ‘cause it’s right where a lot of paparazzi like to hang out. I don’t mind going there for him, but he use to not mind going there by himself or anywhere there on that street where there are a lot of cool shops that he likes. But now…

It’s not that he’s a hermit by any means, but dammit if he isn’t paranoid. I mean, I’ve seen him paranoid before but it’s like, not really paranoid about himself anymore, it’s about her, too.

“What isn’t a big deal?”

“He’s changed.” Shit, it’s on my mind and I can’t talk about this with him and Courtney is really the only person I got, even though it’ll probably piss her off. It’s kind of sad. I mean, it’s not like I’m ashamed she’s my friend or anything, but it’s kind of sad that Justin’s my best friend, and I have lots of other friends but none that I think I could talk to about him. They’d all want to try to get in the middle and get us to make up, when we really weren’t fighting to begin with. I’m just a little concerned, nothing major. Nothing that probably won’t blow over…I hope. I hope he starts acting normal again. “I mean, not like bad, I don’t know. Ever since him and Mere have got serious he’s been much more frantic than usual. He’s always been paranoid to an extent, but I don’t know. Tonight he was out of line. I would have been pissed, too but he knows that that’s what they are trying to do. He should have just gone inside at first. He’s been taught to handle situations like that.”

“You think Mere is a bad influence or something?”

I finally light my cigarette, not being able to wait anymore. I take in a deep soothing breath and let it out, enjoying the taste of tobacco. “I don’t know what’s going on. I guess I should talk to him about it.”

She laughs a little and I watch her rub her forehead and shake her head. Her voice isn’t bitter, but it’s kind of sad and disappointed. “Like you talked to him about us?”

“Court…”

“Sorry, let’s drop it.” She’s looking at me finally, but then I realize her eyes aren’t focused on me but on my mouth. She smiles at me a bit, “I wish you had another one.”

“We could go out and get a pack.” I say blowing the smoke out away from her.

“Nah, I’m supposed to be quitting.”

I laugh at her and hand her the cigarette. “You’ve been quitting ever since I met you.”

“You’re a bad influence.” She glares at me but then takes it and sucks in a breath, closing her eyes and letting it out slowly, sighing almost, before handing it back to me.

It’s quiet again, just the sound of a few bugs, distant sounds of cars and the smell of tobacco around us. She clears her throat and I hand her back the cigarette. “I wonder if Teddy and Tiny found anything.”

“I doubt it. What would they find? It’s not like there’s a blood trail. It’s like with the cops. It sucks, but they are really popular stars. This shit happens and I know we work for them and they are our friends, but I don’t know. I feel like the police should be paying more attention to people getting raped and murdered than if someone came on someone else’s property and started taking pictures.”

I laugh a little bit, “Don’t tell Justin that.”

“Whatever, I really don’t care what he thinks of me anymore. As long as he keeps out of my way I’m fine.” I can tell that in her voice she’s lying. I can tell that she puts up this front that she doesn’t give two shits what people think about her.

The truth is she cares, she really cares and the thing that eats her up inside is when people don’t like her and when people are mean and rude to her. She wants approval so bad, and I wanna give that to her. I just, I don’t know if the approval she wants is more than just friendship and the knowledge that someone else finds her attractive and fun and a good person. I can’t give her the satisfaction of dating or hell, falling in love with her.

I’m not ready for that. And maybe that’s a cop out and maybe that’s me being pathetic, but it’s the truth.

I’m more fucked up about Elisha than people realize, sometimes more than I even realize.

“That’s not gonna happen. You know that, right? We’re going on tour. You’re gonna be stuck with him, probably alone at some point. It’s just gonna happen, and you need to deal with it and get over it.”

“I think he’s the one that needs to get over it and his hate for me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.” She glares at me. “Ok, so he’s just a little weird sometimes, ok?”

She nudges me, but there isn’t a smile on her face. “So are you.”

“We’re all fucking freaks Courtney. Me, you, Megan, you’ve never seen Tiny when Diana Ross starts to sing but it’s scary, and Meredith’s pretty freakish, too.”

It’s quiet again and she takes in the last bit of the cigarette and then stubs it out on the brick steps. “You think her and Justin will last?”

I stare off at the road. This is a nice neighborhood, quiet. The houses are huge, but most of the front yards are open and big, perfect for families. It’s too suburban for me, but man, when I have a family I want the biggest fucking yard. I bet Courtney would want her kids growing up some place cosmopolitan in a condo or something. Hell, I bet she doesn’t even want kids. It doesn’t fucking matter anyway. I sometimes wonder if Meredith is the one for Justin. Eh, who knows? Probably, but he’ll probably get chicken and run her off.

‘The one’…I crack myself up.

No one has just ‘one’ person they are meant to be with. Hell, I thought, no…no, I knew Elisha was the one. Clearly she didn’t think the same way in return. So now I have to go try and find out if I’m doomed to be alone or if there is a ‘two’, a second in line to the ‘one’. I feel like I’m back in high school when you claim you are in love with someone and you really think you know what it is and what it means to be in love and then you break up and you realize you’re an immature idiot whose only connection with the girl was that she was a friend with you who liked eating pizza and was hot and had soft boobs.

With Elisha it was so much more than high school love. I was fucking in love with her. Hell, she taught me what love really was.

At least I thought. And now, now I’m back to feeling like I was in high school, but I don’t laugh at my immaturity now, ‘cause I wasn’t immature. Fuck, for the first time in my god damn life I was ready to be mature with someone and settle down and start a life, a life with someone else, a non-selfish life.

I was wrong.

I clear my throat, “I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I think she wants it to last, but I don’t get to talk to her that much really and when I do we just shit around. But I mean, I know Justin loves her and he thinks about her and cares about her more than any other girl he’s dated in a long, long time. Last time he was serious with a girl he was an immature brat so I don’t know, maybe this is really serious.”

“Right…”

“Anyway…” This conversation is starting to freak me out. I don’t want to talk to her about Justin, and I don’t want to talk to her about a relationship lasting. I change the subject quickly, maybe a little awkwardly but it’s successful. “What did Angie have to say?”

“Was calm at first, but the more I told her about what happened the more she started to freak out.”

I don’t have any qualms with Mere’s manager. It really has nothing to do with me, but lately this chick seems to be getting in over her head. Maybe Johnny should talk to her. I probably should have told him to give her a call when I talked to him a little bit ago.

I should stay out of it. “Do you like her?”

“She’s alright, I guess. She reminds me a lot of myself, but I don’t know. I don’t know if that is a good thing. She puts on this air like she knows what she’s doing, but sometimes I get this feeling like everything is a little bit out of control and out of her hands and she’s just trying to direct this mob of chaos so it doesn’t get too out of hand.”

I laugh and nudge her with my elbow. “I’m telling Mere you called her a mob of chaos.”

“Ooo I’m scared.” She laughs at me, looks at me for a moment and then quickly looks in front of her.

“Nah, I can see that. Johnny’s not like that, but Johnny’s been in this business for fucking forever. He was concerned, but this shit has happened before so whatever. That’s the cool thing about Johnny. Even with the shit hits the fan he stays real cool and never looks at anything in a super negative light. There’s always a positive somewhere.”

“I honestly think Mere needs someone more like that. I’m not saying Angie is bad at her job, but I don’t know. Meredith’s not just singing at malls and random state fairs any more. She’s big shot celebrity and I don’t know if Angie can handle that.”

I lean in a bit and say to her, “Can you handle it?

She shrugs. I meant it as a joke but she’s got a serious look on her face, and when she turns to look at me this time she doesn’t look away shyly, or scared. She stares right at me. “I don’t know, what do you think?”

I smile at her, trying to ease whatever worries are on her mind, worries that I probably caused. “You did a fucking fantastic job tonight.”

“What?”

“You handled it better than I did. I wanted to punch the guy in the face tonight, but you were smart, you got the girls inside, called the cops, didn’t waste any time and didn’t have to be told what to do. I’m proud of you.”

“Aww thanks…” She says sarcastically. “And I’m proud of you for holding back your rabid best friend and containing the urge to punch the guy. I really didn’t feel like having to go and bail your ass out of jail tonight.”

“You’d bail me out?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’d leave Justin in there though.”

I laugh with her. “He probably needs it. I’m glad he’s in there now,” I say nodding back to the house. “And I hope he’s chilling out and not flipping.”

“Sometimes I feel like a damn zookeeper with those two.”

“You like it though?”

“Yeah, actually. I mean it’s a hell of a lot more stressful than I thought it would be, like tonight, or like having to deal with her boyfriend that can’t stand me or…or having all this other drama with…” She stops short, sucks in a sharp breath, glances at me and starts to cough.

“With…”

She shrugs and continues on like she didn’t just ramble herself into a corner. “I like it. But it’s harder than I thought it would be and I’m not sure if it’s something I’d want to do for years and years.”

I can’t let her go that easy. We need to get over this. I need to know where we stand. If we still stand. It’s eating me up inside and it’s clearly fucking with her mind as well. “What other drama, Court…”

“Trace…” I turn to fully look at her and reach over to take her hands in mine, trying to get her to look back at me. I want to shake her, kiss her, something, something other than this awkward shit we’ve been dealing with all night.

But I don’t get the chance. Teddy and Tiny plod up through the front yard and stand before us annoyed and tired.

“We didn’t find anything but her neighbor’s sprinkler system.” Tiny glares at me, his jeans look a little wet and I know he’s pissed off about his soaked and grass stained sneakers.

“Oh my God…” Courtney says and covers her mouth so she doesn’t laugh.

“It’s ok, it’s just a bit of water.” Teddy says laughing in an embarrassed fashion.

“I would have paid to see that.”

Tiny glares some more. I know he’s not happy about tonight. I know he’s pissed off they didn’t get the guy and I know he’s pissed he wasn’t here to be able to do something about it. He can get kind of protective like that. “Shut up midget…”

Courtney nods to the door behind us and says, “I think Megan was making some dinner if you guys wanna go in and grab something.”

“Thanks.”

They both step in between us and I watch them go back into the house. The door shuts and the outdoor light is flicked on. I turn back and look at her and she’s staring out in front of us into the yard, a concerned look on her face. I can see her face a lot better now in the light and hadn’t really realized until now how dark it had got outside.

“Court…”

“We should probably-”

I shut her off. I interrupt her. I’m fucking tired of this. I can’t stand it anymore. “I’m sorry.”

I try to reach over and touch her hand or something and she pulls away from me like I’m disgusting. The sadness and disappointment that’s been in her face all night goes away with that one moment and the bitter woman emerges. She glares right at me, her mouth turned into a tight frown. “Little late, don’t you think?”

“I’m an asshole.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t really make it better does it?”

She’s got me there and I don’t know what to do. It’s quiet again and it feels like forever like we’re just sitting here. I feel like it’s not right after twilight any more, but that it’s right before dawn and we’ve been sitting out here all night just waiting, waiting for one of us to get up and say that whatever we are, whatever we were is over, finished.

But it’s really only a few seconds that pass by, and the more they tick away the more insane I start to feel. I’m tired of this. I’m annoyed with this and I can’t stand us fighting like this.

“I’m scared, alright?”

I suck in a deep breath. That wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to blurt that out. I was supposed to say something charming and cute and get her to smile and be happy.

Fuck. I’m a moron.

“Scared?”

I run my hands over my head and hold onto my neck, staring down at my sneakers. What the hell was I thinking?

“I don’t know, I just. I mean care about you, ok?” Shit that wasn’t supposed to come out either. “Like you’re a good friend and I enjoy it when we’re together, but I just don’t know if I can give you what you are asking for.”

“And what exactly am I asking for?”

I sit up a bit straighter and look at her, “Come on Court…”

“I never said I wanted you to be my boyfriend.”

I shrug and feel like every word I say is lowering my IQ. A woman hasn’t made me feel this pathetic and dumb in a long, long time. I mean, that’s not really fair ‘cause it’s not really her making me feel that way. I’m bringing this all on myself.

“Well you kind of acted like it.” Now I’m pouting. Maybe I really am immature.

“How? By thinking you had more balls and would stick up to your friend and tell him that we’re…whatever we are. I don’t expect flowers or anything like that. I don’t expect you to call me up just to talk. But I don’t want you to deny my existence. You act like I’m the one who can’t handle being friends with benefits, like I’m the one who always wants more. All I want is for you not to be ashamed of me and not care so damn much about what your best friend thinks about us.”

I suck in a deep breath. I’m worse than I thought I was. Ya know, I think I’m starting to figure this out.

Court and I are made for each other. We’re fucking perfect. But it’s just not the right time. It’s just…it’s just bad timing. And it sucks, but that’s life. So we both have to get over it. That’s it, just take it for what it’s worth and then move on. Right.

“I’m not ashamed of you.”

“Then why couldn’t you just tell him? Why couldn’t you just tell him that yeah, we hang out and it’s nothing serious but we’re friends and that he needs to get over that?”

I rub my face roughly with my hands. I really gotta stop trying to rationalize everything. “I…I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t want him lecturing me like he always does.”

“Lecturing? That doesn’t sound too friendly.”

“Look, Elisha really fucked me over and ever since he’s taken it upon himself to make me all better.”

“How nice.”

Now she’s getting a chiding tone in her voice. It’s annoying me, this whole situation is, this whole night, the fact that we’ve been like this for the past two days, the fact that I fucked up, that she won’t really tell me what she wants, that…that I don’t know what I want. It’s just too much. I’m not ready for this drama or this commitment. I’m not.

“I’m serious Court. I did it for him in the past and I know he feels like he owes me one. I’m a lot stronger than Justin in a lot of ways. I mean, yeah, I was fucked up after she ditched me, but I didn’t get depressed. I was sad and pissed off, but I wasn’t like…mentally fucked up where I wouldn’t leave the house for…for a month or two.”

“He did that?”

I didn’t think she’d catch on to what I meant, but she did. But still…she has no idea. No one does. He acts like it was a bad time and he got over it and went partying, but I know a different story. I know a story that I’m not even sure he knows. He was fucked up, he was seriously depressed and, and if it lasted much longer I was ready to talk to him about getting professional help. I laugh at myself. Like that would really do anything. Like he would even willingly walk right into a doctor’s office to talk about his problems. “It was bad, that’s all that matters. And…ok so he doesn’t really like you so he’s trying to protect me or something. I don’t know. I guess that’s kind of gay.”

“I just…” She sighs, “Wish I knew what it was he thought so bad about me.”

I have to wonder why she cares. I mean, I know she really wants people to like her, some mental thing I’m trying to figure out in my mind, but this is Justin. Get over it. She’s always dwelling on it. I wonder if she likes him, like ya know….No. No she can’t stand him. “Nothing, there’s nothing. Justin’s just…he needs someone to blame for his fuck ups.”

“Oh and I guess one day I volunteered?”

“He volunteered you and it’s not fair and…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “And I’ll talk to him about that.”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Like you were gonna talk to him after he came down on me in the limo after the awards?”

“What?”

“You never did, did you?”

I bite my lip. Just great. I keep digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole, a fucking grave. “I meant to.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “You’re a fucking pussy, Trace. You’re so fucking terrified of your best friend. If he really is your best friend, he’s not gonna push you away or hate you for being with me. He might not like it, but if he’s a real friend he should get over it.”

“I guess.” I shrug.

“Wow, this is making me not really like him at all.”

“Look, he’s not a bad guy. He’d…he’d probably do that. I just…I’m a fucking pussy, you’re right.”

“Why?”

“Because….” I shrug. I don’t know what else to tell her, what else I can say to make this better, to make her forgive me and forget Justin. “Because you’re the first girl I’ve been with since Elisha.”

“That excuse is starting to run thin.”

“Sorry.”

It’s quiet again and this time I seriously think about pushing myself up and going inside and forgetting all about Courtney Dawson. I put my hands on either side of me and get ready to stand up, but she stops me by saying, “I don’t want us fighting, Trace. I’ve grown to like you and like being around you. You make me at ease and I really need that and I need your friendship on this tour. I don’t want us fighting, but don’t expect me to just run to you for sex or think you can seduce me easily anymore. It’s not gonna happen again. It can’t.”

I don’t know what else to say, so all I say is, “Right.” I’m afraid the more I talk the more trouble I’m gonna get myself into. I guess a part of me is a little disappointed that the whole benefits thing is over, but I know that’s for the best. I know if we can just be friends and get over all this mess it’ll be better for the both of us and for everyone else around us.

“And if you deny me or act like you are ashamed of me or that you’re embarrassed to be near me or know me then that’s it. Don’t expect me to even acknowledge you. If you are embarrassed to be near me I can make that really easy for you.”

I touch her hand and she doesn’t pull away. “I’m not embarrassed Courtney.”

“You sure about that?” Her hand is snatched away again and she crosses her arms over her chest and she bends forward a bit as a stark breeze comes by.

“Yeah. I mean, why would I be?” She rolls her eyes but her face looks sad and I scoot closer to her and smile at her. I realize now that with Courtney, maybe the reason she wants people to like her is because she doesn’t have that much self confidence. She always seemed like she had it so put together to me, but now I’m figuring out she’s…she’s hurt, maybe worse than I thought, and I just wish I knew why or what or…or who made her feel like she wasn’t worth anything.

Maybe I’m part of it. Maybe I’m just another number on a list of assholes who’s treated her like shit.

“You’re hot and you’re smart and sexy.”

“I am?” It’s not said in that normal voice. It’s not that compliment thirsty tone a lot of women use.

She’s seriously asking me. Shit, she has no idea how incredible she is. And I want to show her. I want her to know that she’s not just something for men to use, that…that I’m not just another number on a list. I’m pathetic. She won’t even give me the chance, she shouldn’t, and if she did she’d be a fool ‘cause I know I’ll just fuck up again.

And again.

I deserve to be nothing more than a number on a list.

Shit, maybe I have self esteem issues, too. This night sucks.

“Oh puhlease, girl. Are you serious?” I say, trying to lighten the mood. I nudge her again and she cracks a small smile that makes me feel like I might burst inside. Finally, she seems semi-happy. I let out a deep breath, letting all this negativity out with it. Maybe we’re starting to get at a good place where we aren’t arguing or annoyed every second. “So we can still hang out?”

“Just don’t even think about putting the moves on me.”

“I won’t. I’ll let all that be your call…” She’s not smiling anymore and I add, “as long as you can restrain yourself around me.”

At first I think she’s going to smack me, but she just laughs and covers her face, chuckling into her hand. “You’re pathetic.”

I really am. But it’s ok. It’s ok as long as she’s not pissed at me and as long as I got another chance.

I don’t know what I’m going to do and I don’t know how I’m gonna balance making her happy, not going too fast and not fucking myself up in the head, but I gotta figure that out. Somehow I will. I have to.

“Come on…” I push myself up and hold out my hands to her. She just looks up at me. “Let’s go inside. It’s getting cold out here.” She smiles softly and puts her hands in mine and I know that when I pull her up and open the door for her, hearing Teddy and Tiny laughing, Megan yelling about something animatedly and the TV blaring that things are gonna be ok. I don’t know what we are. I know we’re more than friends and I know I care about her, but I gotta let her dictate this from now on and I gotta control myself.