12:39 Sunset Studios

I really hate traffic. I thought I’d be use to it by now, living in LA and New York, but I’m not. The stopping and going and how it always seems that whenever you’re stuck there’s nothing good on the radio, just commercials and crappy love songs. Normally it’s always one person with car trouble who pulled over and so everyone’s gotta slow down and look and be in everyone else’s damn business. I hate it when people are in everyone else’s business. I guess I’m complaining for no reason, but I’m frustrated because I only had three hours of sleep last night. I don’t mind not getting a lot of sleep but three hours doesn’t cut it. I’m tired, sleepy and physically worn out.

I grin at the thought. I’m pathetic.

I had to leave to go pick Megan up from the airport and I was glad she didn’t seem to mind that I was almost thirty minutes late. In fact, she ran to me and gave me a hug I really wasn’t expecting, claimed it was great to see me and asked me how Trace and I were doing.

I smiled, told her I had no idea what she was talking about and she just laughed in my face. Thanks, Meredith. Thanks for spreading rumors. I really fucking appreciate that.

Well, I guess they aren’t really rumors. I mean, we aren’t together. We aren’t a couple, we’re just…friends. Oh dear God, we’re friends with benefits and I promised myself I would never do that, especially, especially when I actually, sort of kind of like the guy and wouldn’t mind being more than just friends…with benefits.

Meredith thinks she knows what’s going on. I haven’t said a word to her, I’ve just told her we’re friends and hang out a lot because it’s convenient, but nothing more. She laughs at me, just like Megan did earlier, though sometimes I think she gets a little upset I won’t open up with her more. Everything she’s told Megan or Justin, oh God don’t get me started, is entirely made up in her own imagination. She doesn’t know that we…we’ve had sex, or that we went out to the movies Friday, or that he came over last night at one in the morning. Justin doesn’t know it either. Meredith says that Justin is in denial that we have any attraction for each other, which is fine by me. The more he’s out of my business the better. But I guess it kind of hurts my feelings that Trace won’t tell his best friend about me, not that I’d ever want a man to brag about sleeping with me.

Ever since the MTV awards we haven’t really talked. I don’t really have anything to say to him. He was being ridiculous and I hope he knows it, I hope Meredith made him see that. She tells me she did, but I don’t know how effective she was. I got a voice mail from him the next day apologizing but it was forced, and I didn’t mind the fact that one of the biggest bouquets of my life ended up at my door later that afternoon. It was like one of those bouquets you see at funerals, though. That didn’t really make me feel too hot.

But he’s stayed out of my way and I’ve stayed out of his and therefore he’s been off my back, and…well, onto Meredith’s. This touring thing is annoying, they are annoying, and I’m so damn happy that Trace is around to keep me grounded and balanced and smiling.

It’s not that I don’t like Meredith. I do. She’s fun. I just…I’d prefer not to be around when she and Justin decide to make out in front of me, or fight in front of me for that matter. They really are petty at times, like fighting because he ate the last piece of pizza before asking her if she wanted it, and they are both divas. Meredith is nice and genuine and I do have a good time with her and consider her a friend, but she can get in diva mode. It’s not as bad as Justin’s diva mode, but it’s annoying none the less.

I guess when you release your second album and it’s projected to go gold in its first week and your tour with your iconic pop star boyfriend is completely sold out then you can act like a diva.

“Man, this is top secret!” Megan says, looking around the parking lot at the security vehicles and the inconspicuousness of the place. “Like that popcorn, Pop Secret.”

I laugh as we approach the entrance to the studio. It’s a dance studio that they’ve converted to be able to house both Justin’s and Meredith’s bands. They mark off the stage area with bright yellow tape on the floor. Seems silly to me, but I guess it works for them. The past two days of practice I’ve just sat on the floor or in a chair and been bored, or gone and ate too much fruit and crackers in the little room outside of the studio until Trace comes and we talk or we go somewhere or do…something. I don’t know, the past week, ever since that blow out with Justin and I, we’ve…we’ve been together a lot. I guess I know a lot more about him now. He’s so funny and he’s a good guy. He really is a good, genuine guy. He can be an idiot sometimes and an asshole, but he really is smart and really knows what he’s doing. And he’s got some hilarious stories.

Before we reach the door, I hand her this sticker thing that’s supposed to be a pass. It looks like a neon sticker someone took a sharpie to and scribbled on, but they’re printed. “Yeah, here’s your badge thing. You have to be wearing it. I can’t just show it to the guy, it has to be on your body. Justin and Meredith said they wanted this to be super secure so no secrets get out about the tour, so now we have to pay the price. The guy at the door is an asshole too, so we might have to deal with his crap.” He really is an ass. This morning I came in with Meredith, of course he smiled and said hello to her, but I happened to leave something in my car and went out to get it and he gave me hell trying to get back inside because I didn’t have the badge on. He saw me walk in with her the first time and even though my name was on the list, I didn’t have a badge and he claimed there was no way in hell he could let me in. It’s annoying and he isn’t one of Meredith or Justin’s teams, but works for the studio, so he tries to act all tough and shit. Thank God Tiny came and opened the door and said that I was “cool.”

I open the door to the building that looks really industrial and very unsuspecting that two of the hottest people in music are in there right now, performing their hearts out. We start down this long hallway; it reminds me of some dungeon, or a wine cellar. I wish it was a wine cellar, of course it’d be rather chilly. And Trace would probably try to get me alone and drunk, like he’s always trying to do that. I start to smile. He always offers me a beer, always. It’s always the first thing he does when we get alone. I asked him about it one night and he said I was more...interesting when I was drunk.

I hit him in the shoulder, but it made me laugh. He’s always making me laugh. I smile a bit more.

“Is Trace gonna be here?”

It fades and I glare at Meredith’s friend who’s passing me a sly smile. I don’t know this girl, and while I get that she’s best friends with Meredith, it doesn’t give her the right to get into my business. “Get off it Megan. We’re just friends.”

“Right…” She puts her hands up and laughs a little bit, “I was just asking because I miss the mutant.”

Hmm, I didn’t know she called him by that ridiculous nickname as well. “So you call him that too, huh?”

She laughs and shrugs. “Well he calls me Lessy 2 and Mere Lessy 1.”

He never told me he hung out with Megan, just in New York and then one time in LA when he first met Meredith. What the hell? I don’t know why I’m surprised. I’m sure he talks to lots of other girls. Probably fucks them too since there is no commitment in our relationship, or whatever the hell we are. “When have you hung out with him besides New York?”

“Um, I haven’t.” I can see that guard standing down at the end of the doors. I hope he doesn’t give us a hard time. “But I talk to him online sometimes and he’ll send me these weirdo emails with funny things in them.”

He doesn’t send me emails. I should shoot myself.

“Does he now?”

Megan pulls out in front of me and puts her hands on my shoulders, a big on her face. “Ohh snap! You’re so fucking him, aren’t you?”

“What!” I pull away from where her hands are on my arms and try not to let all the blood rush to my face. What the hell, how can she figure that out so easily? Am I that obvious? I glare at her and push past her to get away and go to the security guard. God, that’s sad when he becomes a refuge. I don’t know why I’m running away from Megan right now. I can hear her sing behind me. “You’re getting jealous as hell of me right now and blushing. You so like him!”

It’s true. I am. I do. God, am I that pathetic already?

“Passes and names…” I smile at him smugly. After we tell him our names and show him our passes, I have mine on my chest and she has hers on her jeans, he gives me this evil eye and opens the door so we can proceed into a room where there’s a few couches and food set up and people around. There’s a couple doors off of this room. Two of them lead to private rooms for Justin and Meredith, another leads to a hallway where there are bathrooms and I think an exit. There’s also a set of double doors which lead to the studio. It really is like a maze getting back here. Trace and I got lost two days ago, the first day. It was embarrassing. He had to call Tiny to have him route us back the right way. We were down some hallway on another floor where there were old women doing ballet. Of course when we found our way back Meredith smiled at me all coy and said, “Where were you two?”

I really hate her sometimes.

There are a couple people sitting around in here, some of Meredith’s band members and Monique and Abbie, Meredith’s dancers. I can hear one of Justin’s songs blaring through those double doors. I guess they finally finished Mere’s set. But she’s not out here so I assume she’s watching her boyfriend perform or asleep, but I doubt that. She had a double espresso this morning and was bouncing, really bouncing in her seat on the drive here. Trace isn’t out here either. I look around and wonder where the hell he’s at. When I left he was napping on the couch in Justin’s room. Maybe I should go see if he’s there.

“So…you and Trace aren’t together?”

I snap out of my daze and shake my head. “No…”

“Can I ask you something?”

I sigh and walk over to the food counter and grab a bottle of water. I get enough questions from Meredith and enough debating in my own head to have someone I barely know throw in their two cents. I really don’t have the patience for this right now. God, where the hell would he be at? I don’t wanna call and look pathetic. “Megan, I really don’t…”

“It’s not about that…” She pops a grape in her mouth and chews. “I just…Mere can put on blinders, well she already has put on blinders when it comes to her boyfriend. She’s gone overboard with him and I just want an objective opinion. Does he treat her well? Ever since that damn Miami fiasco I’ve been worried.”

I look to make sure no one else is listening in. The last thing we need is some tabloid story from someone who overhears the wrong thing. I take her and sit her down in some chairs against the wall. She has every right to be worried and I wanna tell her what I really think, that Justin’s a pathetic, immature asshole and Mere’s way too good for him. But I don’t. I don’t wanna make him hate me even more, or Meredith for that matter. God, I don’t even know why I care. “I understand. I mean, it’s not really my place to say. I won’t lie, Justin and I don’t get along, but I guess I really have no reason to say that he doesn’t treat her well. She seems insanely happy and he seems the same with her. They like to be alone a lot and they like to be together. He can be a bit of an ass, but what guy can’t?”

She sighs and gets a weird smile on her face. “Joshie…”

“Ohh, right…” Talk about blinders. “How’s he doing?”

She laughs, “Fine as hell.”

“That’s good…” Thankfully my phone rings. The last thing I want is another gushing girl telling me how sexy their boyfriend is. I look at the caller id, smile and pull the phone close to my ear, “Hey.”

“Ya know, there’s a lot of space behind these drums.”

I laugh at his raspy voice. The music has stopped in the studio and I assume he’s in there because I can hear people talking loudly through his phone. “Shut up. There is not.”

“Come find out.” His voice lowers and I shift a little in my seat. Damn, I shouldn’t let him get to me this much, but he’s…he’s quite sexy and is really good at knowing what to do to turn me on. And his voice, deep and that drawl that comes out is so damn hot.

“I’ve got Megan here…”

“She can watch. Shit girl, I keep thinking about last night and how good you felt and…and tasted.”

I blink and glance to my side. Megan is looking at her phone not paying attention to me. I hear him laugh and I say, “Hush…” before flipping the phone closed. I grab my bag and nudge her. “Come on, I think they’re taking a break.”

A bright smile comes on her face and I walk to the door and open it. I immediately look towards the drums and sure enough, there’s Trace talking with Justin’s drummer, laughing about something.

“MEGS!” I turn my focus off of him and look to where Meredith, Justin and both Derrek and Marty are in the performing part of the taped off stage area. Justin and Marty glance at us before looking back at the couple beside them. Derrek has Meredith twisted into some dip formation. She says practically upside down, “I’ll be done in a second!”

Megan immediately plops on the floor beside the long wall length mirror, smiling. I don’t look up but I can feel his eyes burning into me. The whole room seemed to shut up and pay attention to us when Meredith yelled. I sit beside Megan, trying to look as casual as possible. I glance up, just one look to see if he’s noticed us.

He’s staring right at us and walking over. He gets in front of us, turns around and wiggles his butt in between us, immediately pulling Megan into a hug and saying something to her about being a “Lessy”. She laughs and even though I know she’s got a boyfriend and he’s probably not interested in her, I hate every moment that his arm is around her. God, Courtney! He’s not even your boyfriend! You have no right to be upset or jealous!

He turns to me to say something but the music starts up again, blaring. It’s just a backtrack this time and Marty and Derrek are off to the side watching Meredith and Justin. For the tour they are starting off with her hits, then doing the songs they did together and then doing Justin’s set. But during one of his songs she comes out and does this dance number with him. They’ve been practicing it like crazy, and they do more of the dance right now for all of us to see. It’s amazing how different they are. When they aren’t at work, both of them are like horny teenagers. You can barely say a sentence around them worth anything. But at work, they are both professional. This dance they do is like a fucking sex romp on stage, yet they make it seem professional. It’s hot yes, but I don’t feel like I’m watching some couple grind in a club.

It’s hard to explain. I guess I just wish I had the ability to look that professional at work with Trace. I have a hard time not blushing, and every time I see him I want him to touch me or something, and I shouldn’t.

I should know better than this. I should handle myself better. But it’s so damn hard when, when I like him as much as I do.

I lean over during the middle of the performance and whisper in his ear, “I gotta ride with Meredith tonight, so I can’t ride with you.”

He turns and looks at me deeply, “Really?”

“Yeah…Meredith wanted me to ask if you guys could take Megan.”

“No prob.” He shrugs and turns back to the mini performance. “As long as you save a dance with me at the party.”

I smile and nudge him. “You don’t dance.”

He leans in and I can feel his lips pressed against my ear. Shit, he’s dangerous. “By dance I mean making out with me in a dark corner.”

“But it’s work.”

“Tonight’s a night for Meredith to mingle with people and take pictures with celebrities. She’ll be so busy talking to other people and getting drunk that she won’t even know you exist.”

I stare into his eyes, hard. Shit, I can’t just wander off with him, especially if she’s gonna be drunk. That’s the last thing we need right now. “She’s not supposed to get drunk.”

“Justin will watch her.” He shrugs. Yeah right, Justin will probably get her drunk and take her somewhere to have sex with her. I wish she had a little more of a backbone with him. “Are you coming to his house afterwards?”

He passes me a sly smile. I know what he means. He’s asking if I’m gonna stay with him tonight. “Am I invited?”

“You’re invited by me.”

I don’t realize the music has stopped but I hear sneakers squeaking towards me and then hear someone squeal, “Slutty!”

I look over and Meredith has yanked up Megan and pulled her into a tight hug. Everyone else is laughing at them. I wish I had a friend like that. Of course I’d never be that sentimental or girly, but you can tell they are the closest of friends. I…I wish I had that. Being independent is great, but not having a friend is, is kind of a depressing state.

“Thanks for the present, sweat face,” Megan says to her.

“You like?” Meredith got her a first class plane ticket to LA and back for a graduation present. It’s apparently some inside joke.

“Ooo, leather seats and my own private TV screen, it was awesome, spacious and sexy baby!”

They both fall into giggles. “You got another present, but I’ll give it to you later, ok?” Meredith pulls Megan into another tight hug. “Oh my god, I’m so proud of you. You gradumawated!”

“I know. I’m freaking fantastic!”

“Come on, lemme introduce you to some people, ok? Then we’ll go sit and talk.” I look over at Trace, I love how we are both sitting here, all up in their conversation, looking up at them, looking between them. Meredith turns to Justin, “Hey, are we done with that thing…”

He laughs, “Thanks dear, glad you consider dancing with me “that thing”.”

She swats at him, “Hush…”

“Yes, you are done. Go hang out, we should be done in a bit.” Justin leans in to kiss her cheek and then Megan pulls him into a hug. I look down at my lap and yawn. I could use a nap. But what I really need to do right now is talk to Trace.

It’s not fair that Meredith and Justin get to have this fantastic relationship and that they are allowed to be petty and make out and fight and be a couple. What’s so bad about me? I don’t give a shit that he’s had things happen to him in the past. So have I. Hell, I was the one fighting it at first when he was pushing so hard. And now I’m not fighting it anymore, and he keeps pushing, but pushing for just…just one thing. I don’t mind sleeping with Trace. I like it, I like it a lot. He makes me feel special and, and makes me feel really good.

I just don’t understand why he can’t try. Why can’t we try dating? I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment, but something more than what we are now. Because as much fun as what we are doing now is, it’s…it kind of makes me feel cheap.

I guess I’m being a pathetic girl, right? I’ve got myself into a situation I should have known better. I knew when we started fucking he didn’t want much more than sex and my occasional company. I shouldn’t expect anything more.

But what if there is a possibility there somewhere. I just want him to tell me what he’s thinking and tell me the truth about why we can’t work to be something more. I guess I want him to open up to me.

“Wanna go somewhere?” I ask.

“Oh really?”

I smile, “I wanna talk.”

The grin drops from his face and he scoots back from me a little bit. “This sounds serious…”

“Come on…” I stand up and look around, picking up my purse. Meredith and Megan are laughing, talking to someone I don’t know and Justin and Marty are going over some more dance moves. I look at Trace and lick my lips, “Where’s a quiet…”

“Follow me.”

I try not to make it look so obvious, but I guess it’s hard not to when you’re following someone. We move into the lounge room and he goes straight for Justin’s room. I’m not sure why, but we don’t stop there.

The next thing I know the door is shut, the light is flicked on and a lock is turned. I look around the small compartment. I can’t really believe he brought me in here.

He smiles and sits on the toilet seat top. I stare at him. “This is Justin’s bathroom, Trace.”

He smiles at me and reaches his arms out. “If he has to go he’ll go in Mere’s just so he can sneak and see what they are talking about. He’s weird like that.” He pulls me over and starts to pull me down onto his lap.

I laugh. “I’m not sitting there…”

He licks his lips at me. “Where else you wanna sit?” I don’t have a moment to argue with him. He pulls me down against his lap, my legs on either side of him. I’m facing him, pressed against him, kissing him.

His hands immediately go up the back of my shirt, his fingertips starting to make me ache for him, skimming softly up my spine. I shouldn’t be doing this but I don’t care, it feels good. I hate him sometimes, I really do. I wanted to talk and here he is doing….things. He starts mumbling against my mouth, kissing me in between words, telling me that this reminds him of the other night, except we were naked and on his bed and he was in me. He tells me he wants to fuck me slow like that again.

Shit.

Unfortunately, just as his words are making me feel so good and making me want to do him right here, I reach out to grab something to hold onto. I feel his hand toy with my bra strap and his tongue licking down my chest, trying to unbutton the top button right at the center of my chest with his teeth.

But I grab onto the fucking toilet paper.

I sigh and pull away a little bit and look at him. Why did he bring me in here! “Trace, I’m straddling you on a toilet.”

He looks a little shocked but pulls himself together quickly, smiles and shrugs at me, “Well, this door has a lock.”

“Why can’t we just do it out there on the couch?”

“Cause then he might come in.” He looks flustered still, but happy. But I’m not. That wasn’t a good thing to say to me right now. I shouldn’t be here, no matter how good it feels. It seems like all we do is have sex. I mean sure we talk a lot and we did go out to the movies that night, but of course as soon as we got home he was all over me. I should have had some resistance. I should have told him I can’t do this all the time. It’s just not fair to me.

It’s not fair when I want so much more, and I think he knows that.

“You don’t know what you are doing, do you?”

“Shut up and kiss me.” He smiles, trying to be cute and tries to pull me against his body. But I push him away and stand up off of him and go out of the door to the couch in Justin’s room.

“No…I wanna talk to you.”

“About what? What’d I do this time?” He mopes after me and sits down beside me. Gross! He just picked up some of Justin’s dirty socks so he could sit down. I don’t wanna know what else has been thrown on this damn couch of his. Probably dirty boxers or something equally disturbing. And I’m sure him and Meredith have used this couch. The other day no one could find them for a half hour. They were pissing people off and finally Trace and I tried this room. Justin answered the door out of breath with just his pants on and Meredith called out from the bathroom, “Baby, where did my bra go?”

Cute, real cute. Gag me.

“What is it?” He says after a moment.

I sigh, turn towards him and decide just to lay it out there, hoping I don’t ruin everything. “Are we just going to stay friends?”

There’s a long pause and I feel my stomach start to churn. Maybe I should have just shut up and kissed him. I can feel a fight brewing.

“Things are hectic right now, but....let’s just see what happens after this tour.”

That’s complete bull shit and he knows it. Why can’t he just be honest and tell me he’s terrified of commitment right now, that he doesn’t wanna go that route and something happen like it did last year? It’s not fair to me! Does he really just see me as some fucking bimbo in his bed with her legs spread? I know he doesn’t want this type of serious relationship, but I wish he’d just be honest with me and give me something a little bit more than groping me on a toilet. Why can’t he just admit that he cares about me? Why can’t a guy just fucking care about me!

Maybe that’s the problem, maybe it’s impossible. Maybe I’m too uptight or bitchy or whatever it is people call me. I’m supposed to be stronger than this. I’m not supposed to just give into him. I always do this. I always give into men. It’s…it’s not right. It’s like I have some mental illness. I don’t want to tell him about Keith and then make him think I’m trying to give him some fucking sob story to make him feel obligated to be with me.

But why can’t a man just want to be with me? It’s not fair.

"The tour is gonna be almost two months, Trace.” I stare him directly in the face. He’s staring back, but I can tell that he’s not looking in my eyes, focusing on my nose or my forehead or someplace else. “That’s a long time."

His brown eyes focus right in on mine now. “Is that some kind of ultimatum?”

I don’t know what he’s talking about but he seems angry. Hell, I’m just asking. Is it a crime to have a discussion about us? Apparently. “I can’t just continue to fuck you like this. I’m better than the cheap sluts Justin throws at you.”

Oh yeah…that.

The past week, Trace has told me that Justin is on a mission to hook him up with someone. The first day here there was some girl, I think her name was Bambi or something ridiculous. Justin kept telling Trace to show her around. Apparently she’s a friend of Justin’s. Yeah fucking right.

It was ok though. Trace just made fun of her because she really was dumb as hell and I had to play shoulder to Meredith who was certain that Bambi and Justin used to sleep together and that she was trying to get back with him. I don’t know, as much as I hate the guy, Justin spent most of the day flirting grossly with Meredith and trying to get her to laugh and seemed to not be all interested in blondie, seemed to make fun of her as much as Trace.

Which kind of pissed me off. I mean, I’m way better than her. I’m better than some playboy slut but I guess his best friend would rather have him with all body and no brains than me. Hell, what’s so bad about me?

I’m starting to make myself get angrier and I need to calm myself down. I’ve been trying hard to control myself and my emotions, especially those that come out when I’m frustrated or upset. I take a deep breath and pull my hair back into a ponytail and then let it fall, staring up at the ceiling.

“So I’m just supposed to be with you?” He says in a bitter tone.

I slowly look back down at him. He’s staring at me with a blank expression.

So much for trying to control myself. I start to laugh. I try to hold it in cause I know this is my bitch laugh, this is the laugh that the more I do it the angrier I get and then you don’t really have a chance to make it up to me. Fuck. He’s such an asshole. Why can’t he just admit it to me that he’s scared instead of being all cocky about it like he’s better than me? Well he’s not fucking better than me!

And I’ll be damned if I let him make me feel that way! Again.

I suck in a breath, determined to leave the room and go hide in Meredith’s room or tell her I feel sick and go home and watch Style network or something. I mumble to myself, “No you're not ‘just supposed to be with me’. You're supposed to want to be with me.”

He hears me and I don’t really care. I know he’s stood up and I know he’s coming behind me. “You act like it’s so easy! Justin is...”

What the fuck? This has nothing to do with that over grown arrogant bitch!

I turn on my heels and stare straight at him. “Justin has no say in what we are or what we do. And it’s ridiculous that you let him have a say in things. You don’t have shit to say about him and Meredith.” All he does it blink. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it when he cuts off his emotions like this. It makes me feel weak and powerless and pathetic. I am not pathetic! “This is not worth it. I don’t know why I fucking bother.”

I make a move to turn and open the door so I can get out of this hell hole, but he grabs me. He grabs me and kisses me, hard. Shit. I hate him. He can’t do this. I push at him a little bit to get him to stop. I don’t want him winning me back so damn easily. Dammit. I break. I am pathetic and I am weak. I start to kiss him back. I can’t help myself, he feels good and solid and he’s kissing me like, like he really cares. I run my hands over his shoulders and kiss him back with all that I can. I’m worth it dammit. Isn’t…isn’t this worth it? Don’t I mean more to you than just sex? I have to.

I have to. He said I was the first girl he’s been with since his fiancée. Why wouldn’t he just fuck everything in sight if he didn’t really care about me? Why would he try to spend so much time with me?

I hear a click somewhere in the room, behind me. It starts to register that I should stop what I’m doing, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave his arms and I don’t want him to let me go.

“What the…”

I gasp and turn around, his hands have paused over my sides and he’s staring past me, behind me. Of course, of fucking course Justin is there staring at us with a shocked face. I guess now he knows and I guess now he’ll be out of denial and start to realize that we are together. I turn back and look at Trace, ready for him to defend us, to stick up for us, to tell him to leave us alone.

He clears his throat and steps from in front of me, around to get closer to Justin. "This isn’t what you think."

I feel myself fall and crash down into the floor like a piece of delicate glass shattering. What an asshole! I shake my head and back away, saying, “Oh my God! You act like Justin’s your wife and you are on a soap opera and just got caught cheating!" He doesn’t look at me, just stares at his best friend. I move and get in front of Trace so that he’ll finally look at me. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

Is…is he ashamed of me?

Holy shit. He’s…he’s ashamed of me, embarrassed. I bite my lip. I can’t…I can’t do this.

“What the hell is going on?” Justin says, being the dumb idiot he is, standing in the doorway just staring between us.

I shake my head at Trace. Fuck him. Fuck him and his insecurities. I wasn’t asking for much. Just, just the truth. Even if he told me all he wanted was sex, I could handle it. I could fucking handle it. But no, he has to go around and act like this is my problem. Well for once, this isn’t my problem. I might be difficult and sometimes I might give mixed signals but my head was clear about this.

Fucking crystal.

“Absolutely nothing, Justin.” I turn and walk out. It’s all I can do to keep myself from screaming.

Everyone out there is staring at me. Why the hell are they staring at me? Meredith and Megan are by the table, eating something, staring. Why are they all staring at me? I shake my head and march straight to the doors that lead to the bathrooms and the exit. I walk, I just walk and I walk heading out, going somewhere. I don’t know how long I’m going to go or where I’m going to go but I have to get out of here. I have to get away form all this drama.

I didn’t ask for this. I just, I just wanted someone…someone to really take notice of me and care about me.

Is that so much to ask?

“Courtney…”

I stop in my tracks and almost trip up. Ya know, there was a time when I would turn around and I’d see him there, standing, looking lost, begging me with his eyes to come back to him, telling me that he was sorry but not really saying it. And I would buy into it and I’d run and I’d fall against him and cry and beg him to take me back and beg him to never leave me again.

But I’m not that girl anymore. And I’m not going to put up with this.

“Don’t follow me.”

If it means being alone and, and closed off then oh well. It’s better than me getting in over my head and getting hurt like I have been.

Because I can’t handle being hurt like that again.

Maybe he was right. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe he’s not ready for commitment and I’m no where near ready for this kind of relationship. Some people are just destined to be alone, right? It’s not a bad thing. There are a lot of people out there like me, alone, on their own. I don’t care about getting married and having kids and a perfect family. I have a good job. I make a hell of a lot of money. I don’t need friends or a lover or a fucking boyfriend.

I don’t need anybody.

He calls out my name and I continue walking forward, heading to some double doors, unsure of where they will lead me, positive that wherever it is it’s a better place than this over lit hallway that echoes and smells like bleach. “Don’t…” I say and push through the doors, whispering to myself. “It’s over.”