Justin’s kitchen, 9:01 p.m.

The phone rings fives times and she doesn’t pick up, and Court always fuckin’ answers her phone. The damn building could be on fire and she’d answer it. I stare at the fridge, realizing that my fuckin’ asshole of a boyfriend is so stupid and has nothing to eat in his damn house. I grab a Coke, even though Derrek told me I needed to drink more water, and then turn around to see if he has any dry food to eat in his pantry. I’m starving and I bet all he’ll have is a bag of rice and some canned chicken soup or something.

I turn and he’s right there, leaning against the counter, staring at me, chewing on two slices of bread. He licks his finger. He’s eating a damn peanut butter sandwich and staring at me with his dogs sniffing around his feet. He took off his blue sweater and is now left in his jeans and his button down shirt, which he’s unbuttoned to show his wife beater underneath.

I hear a beep and roll my eyes and speak into the phone, “Hey, it’s me. Sorry I was a bitch to you just now. Call me to let me know if you went home or something. I really didn’t mean to take that out on you. I’m just not in the best mood ‘cause of how pathetic my boyfriend is. Later.”

I turn off my phone and go over where the bread is out on the counter near him, as well as the jar of JIF with a knife sticking in it. I set my phone down and take out a piece of bread and start to slather it with peanut butter.

“Mere, come on…”

I look over my shoulder and he’s still chewing on his sandwich just staring at me. I shrug at him. “Come on, what?”

He’s pissed me off tonight. He didn’t hurt me, he didn’t upset me like he did in Miami. No, this time he fucking pissed me off. How dare he come into my dressing room right before I perform and accuse me and claim that I’m stupid! He didn’t say it, but his tone let me know it was what he was thinking. I haven’t seen him in a fucking week and the guy that I’m supposed to be in love with comes in not with a hug or a kiss or an ‘I missed you’ or a how are you or even a god damn smile.

No, instead he comes in with attitude and blame right before I was going to perform. He should have waited until afterward. Ya know, I’m fucking sorry the red carpet shit happened like it did, but damn. It’s like he always is saying, he’s been in this business forever. He knows how to handle it. He knows not to let shit get to him like that. And here he is freaking out.

What a fucking little asshole.

And my performance was on point tonight, perfect, until I fucking saw him in the audience. Of course MTV placed him in the damn front row. And I had just done this awesome little dance move with my girls on stage and people were cheering and getting into it. Normally, I have a really hard time spotting faces ‘cause I kind of get in this high and the lights are so bright on me and dark on the audience. But I saw him and I almost tripped.

No one saw, I know they didn’t. But Derrek noticed and asked me if I was ok afterwards. And I know little things are going to mess up in every performance. That’s just how it happens, but this time it really pissed me off. And I couldn’t even really enjoy my awesome job because I knew after it was over I’d have to see him again and I knew we were going to fight and argue some more. So I waited for him so we could go ahead and get it over with. I wanted to leave. I wanted to bolt out of there. And we did.

I didn’t expect what happened in the car.

When he opened his mouth and started bitching at Courtney, I almost slapped him myself. I probably should have, but I hate, hate, hate fighting in front of other people, so I kept my damn mouth shut until I couldn’t take it anymore. And I couldn’t get in touch with Angie all night, which was weird, but then I remembered that I think today is Eric’s birthday. She mentioned something like that earlier today. So she probably went out.

God, she’s going to have a hernia tomorrow after she finds out what happened tonight.

And the thing about it is, like I know Justin knows how he acted tonight was wrong, and I understand that the situation he was put in was very upsetting. But the reason he’s upset is because his pride was hurt, because he wasn’t in control, he didn’t know what was going on. It was because someone told him he was wrong. He knows he was in the wrong in the dressing room and in the limo and now he’s trying to act like it didn’t happen, like we should just be happy and eat our peanut butter sandwiches and play like good little kids.

But I’m not that easy.

I might have taken him back easily before, but this time I’m not going to just ignore the problem and hope everything becomes ok. ‘Cause if this is gonna work, if he wants to be with me, he can’t act like that, and he can’t blow up at the slightest little thing, especially in front of people and especially when it might get in the way of work.

It just sucks ya know, because we had such a damn great time in Tennessee. Like dammit, and then I found out we were going on tour together, I was ecstatic. Sure I had the thoughts that something bad could happen. But I love him and I have faith in us, and honestly I think it might be able to bring us closer together. And I’m sure it’ll make fans happy since we have a lot of the same fan base. And I have a lot of really good ideas for it, and, and it’s going to be stripped down and much more just about the vocals and the musical aspect of the songs.

Which is what I want. And, and we discussed all this on the phone when I was doing promotion in New York. He seemed so happy on the phone whenever I called him. And he would call and leave me messages and send me texts that would brighten my day. And now back in the real world, I get this stupid boyfriend who’s being a pain in the ass.

It’s not enough to make me wanna dump him, but he’s being such a…a, well a pathetic man right now and it’s annoying.

I bite my sandwich and pop open the Coke and as soon as I’ve taken a swallow I feel soft lips on my neck and arms around my middle. I need to get out of this damn dress, too. My boobs hurt in this thing Shanda put me in. I roll my eyes when he chuckles against my skin. “You seriously gonna be mad at me?”

I set down the can slowly and pull the sandwich from my mouth, swallowing. I move to push him away from me. I know he didn’t just say that.

“Oh no you’re forgiven,” I say sarcastically. “I’m gonna forgive you just like that because I can’t think for myself and all I care about is having sex with you and I have no feelings but ‘oh yes, more please’.”

I glare at him and his shoulders slump and he shuffles after me, following me to the dining room table. “I never said that.”

I sit down and he sits across from me. “Then understand that I’m pissed and you coming up and kissing my neck is not gonna make it all better.”

“Then what can I do?” He sucks in a breath and reaches over and grabs my Coke, taking a swallow of it. It pisses me off, but I let it slide because I don’t want to be petty and don’t want to bring little things into our argument. I chew on my sandwich wishing I had taken the time to put some jelly on it. I sigh and take a swig of the canned soda myself.

He’s staring at me and I shake my head. Sometimes I wonder if Justin really is stupid. I know he’s not, but sometimes he just acts, well it’s just ironic that he’s called me naïve before. I might be naïve but at least I have some damn sense. I know I can be emotional and I know I can be girly and ridiculous at times, but he needs to suck it up and be a man and stop giving me that pouty, pathetic-looking face.

“Nothing.” His eyes lower like I just told him I was going to the prom with someone else.

God, I thought I was dramatic. I roll my eyes and finish off my sandwich, mumbling as I chew, “Well, an apology might be a bit of a good start.”

He takes a deep breath and runs his forefinger along a line of the polished wood of his table. “You understand why I’m upset, right?”

His eyes glance up at mine for a second, just a flash of blue before they’re back following his finger. His hand makes a line towards my side of the table and reaches over and grabs mine for a minute. His eyes stare into my own. They’re the eyes that smiled at me when we had sex and the eyes that stared into mine when I was leaving to go to New York and said without speaking how much he loved me.

I have to force myself to look at the plant he has on his table. Dammit, I hate it when he looks at me like that. He knows, he knows that the more he looks at me with those eyes the more I’ll give in. And I can’t. Not this time. I have to be strong. I have to show him I’m not gonna take his bull shit.

I can feel Buck licking my feet and I do my best to gently kick him away. The last thing I need right now is to laugh because a dog is tickling my feet. I pull my hand from his. That was the first real physical contact we’ve had since he’s gotten back. Like yeah, we hugged in my dressing room, but he was so unaffectionate and distant. It was like he wasn’t even there. And when we came into his house a few minutes ago, I just came right in, set my shoes down, pet his dogs for a second and immediately came in here looking for food and trying to call Court. It’s kind of sad that a few hours ago I was fantasizing about this moment. About being alone with him for the first time in a week, of coming home with him and, and really being with him.

Naked.

He grins at me and licks his lips.

This sucks.

I shake my head at him. He needs to decide his feelings, decide his mood and stick with it. It’s not possible for someone to go from being bitchy and yelling in a car to trying to be all suave now. It makes me wonder how genuine he’s being tonight, if this is all an act or some weird test.

“You’re not acting upset right now, all smiling and trying to get near me. What happened to the guy with an attitude in my dressing room making me stressed out before my big performance? And what happened to the guy who was screaming at my assistant a few minutes ago?”

Now he’s got an attitude again, rolling his eyes and sitting back in his chair. “I was not screaming.”

Maybe he wasn’t screaming, but it wouldn’t matter. He was raising his voice and accusing her of all sorts of things that were just pathetic. I slide my chair back and laugh a little bit. The chair makes this horrid noise against the hardwood floor. I snatch up the can of Coke and march into the living room and sit on the couch. I really don’t want to have to deal with him right now.

I curl up on the couch after I put the can down on top of a coaster on his end table. I pull my legs up so they are bent at the knees and I look down at my toes. I need to get a pedicure. Ya know what really sucks about this situation? I wanna just forget it all and be sweet with him and hug him and kiss him and be with him because I fucking missed him. I wanna give into him. I wanna really be with him. Yeah, I wanna just forget this all happened and go and have passionate, intense sex with him.

But I can’t. This…this time I have to put my foot down.

Dammit! This sucks!

I feel a sigh and he plops down beside me and puts a hand on my knee and stares at me intently. I only look at him once and then go back to looking at my toes. “Look, I’m sorry about the dressing room, that…that was wrong of me. I was just so fucking confused Meredith. I had no idea what was going on and I felt out of control and…and I didn’t know if you were mad at me, if I had done something to make you wanna tell everyone that we weren’t together.”

“What would you have done to piss me off that bad?” I shake my head and look at him. He’s biting his lips, staring at the coffee table, trying to figure out his own thoughts. I think I might understand a little bit better now. Maybe, maybe he doesn’t know what happened, and he was so confused he couldn’t process his thoughts.

And frustrated Justin can easily slide into angry Justin.

“We’re together.”

He nods and holds in his breath. “I don’t know, I just get worried sometimes.” He lets out a deep sigh.

“Shit Justin…” He stares at me. It’s that same damn stare that he gave me in Miami when I took him back. It’s that lost stare, that, ‘please dear God don’t leave me’ stare. He’s fucking terrified. I don’t know if that makes me comforted to know that it really has nothing to do with me, or frightened because he’s still hung up on the past. “You need to get over your past shit. I’m not just gonna drop you, ok?” I touch his shoulder so he’ll believe me and he smiles.

“Good…”

I look back at my toes but then I notice him coming closer. I try to ignore him but his hand starts to touch my knee again and his arm goes across my bare shoulders. The dress is short and has no straps. He kisses my shoulder and I look at him and he tries to lean into me.

I want to. Dear God, I want to.

But I don’t. I use my hands to push at his chest. “Stop it…” I stand up and go over and sit on the edge of this plush chair he has near the couch. Distancing myself as much as possible to form an invisible barrier, to protect myself from giving in.

He shakes his head and sits there defeated. “Mere, I haven’t seen you in…”

I cut him off. He should know better. “Don’t even try to pull that bull shit on me.”

“Then what do you wanna do?” He sounds annoyed and sounds like he’s starting to get frustrated, and he’s bringing back that attitude I saw in the dressing room.

“Let’s actually talk about this.”

He sighs and leans his head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. “Talk about what? What else is there to say? I’m sorry, I am.”

I move to sit in the chair with my back against one armrest and my legs dangling over the other. I cross my arms over my chest. “You need to apologize to Courtney, too.”

“Meredith…” The look he gives me is one I don’t know if I’ve ever seen from him. It’s a cold look. He lowers his voice and pushes himself up to the edge of the couch, straightening the Motor Trend and Car & Driver magazines he has there on his table. “Don’t.”

But he doesn’t threaten me. “Don’t what, Justin? Your hatred for her is so unmerited. She’s done nothing to you.”

“Look, I know this sounds horrible but…” He puts his hands on his head as if in an attempt to grab at his hair, but he has no hair to grab at. “But she just gives me the creeps. She’s always fucking looking at me or at us when we’re together, and, and I just don’t want something else bad happening to you.”

Ok, I guess that’s kind of sweet, but it doesn’t mean he can bitch at me or my assistant. I understand being cautious, but good lord Justin! “Let me worry about that, ok? Angie wouldn’t hire someone she didn’t trust. Leah was mostly my choice. It was my mistake, I trusted her way too soon. Angie wouldn’t hire someone that was bad.”

He shakes his head and his voice is still low, but has a softer tone. “Leah was with you almost three years Meredith. You never thought she would turn out like she did. Do you remember how upset you were? Dammit girl you fuckin’…” He sighs and looks at me. Damn those blue eyes. “Do you remember when we first met? Do you remember that first night in the studio when you started hyperventilating and I had to calm you down?”

I gulp and look away. Of course I remember that. I remember all we were doing was working on some beats he had come up with. Trace had gone to get us food and the other producers and techs had gone home for the night because we really just wanted to get to know each other and figure out a direction to go towards. We were working on this song that I had the idea for called “Stand Alone” and just the words and the melody we had come up with hit me hard. The final cut is a lot different from that initial idea, but I really did feel like I was standing alone in that moment. And I, I remember I started crying. And I remember being so mortified and so embarrassed because I just started crying right in front of this guy I had only known for a few hours. But I was so stressed out after everything had happened and I was sure my career was ruined.

And I couldn’t stop crying.

I remember wiping my eyes and apologizing and being afraid to look at him because I was so humiliated.

He didn’t say anything to me.

But he hugged me. Not just one of those fake, little, sorry half-hugs. No. He pulled me into him and leaned back against the couch there and held me and whispered for me to just let it all out. We were pretty much strangers at that point. Yet, I felt something right then and at the time I didn’t know what it was. But now I know that what I felt was safety. I felt at ease and I felt at home.

He was bringing me home right then before I even knew what he was doing. I wonder if he knew.

I wonder if he felt it, too.

He shouldn’t have brought that up because now I want nothing more than to run to him and hold him. Bastard.

I suck in a breath and push back those memories, those memories that make me weak for him. “I haven’t forgotten what happened Justin, but I decide not to dwell on it and not to let it hold me back. And Courtney is innocent in all this. It’s not fair that you treat her this way. And ok, so what if you hate her? But what are you gonna do when her and Trace start dating?”

He rolls his eyes. “Can we be serious? Don’t joke like that.”

I stare right at him. He’s in denial. “Who says I’m joking, Justin? I bet you anything she’s over at his house right now.”

“It’s nothing.” He shrugs. “If they’re fucking, that’s all it is to him. He doesn’t like girls like her.”

I laugh. He’s ridiculous. He knows as well as I do its not just fucking, and he knows as well as I do that they like each other, even if they themselves can’t see it. And he has no right to even think he has a reason to have an opinion in the matter. We’re all adults. We all can do whatever we want. At least, I use to think we were all adults. He’s making me seriously rethink that. “You’re such a little shit.”

“It’s my opinion, Meredith.”

“Could you just be civil to her and not blame every damn thing on her? She was doing what she was told and maybe if your manager had been a little clearer to my manager this wouldn’t be such a big problem.”

“Whoa…” He puts his hands up and passes me a look. “Don’t pull them into this.”

“Ok, I just…tonight sucks Justin and it sucks because of you.” His mouth drops a little bit and he rolls his eyes and sighs. What a dumbass! He’s not making this easier for himself. “Ya know, I was hoping that when you opened that door and I saw you for the first time in a week, you’d be happy and you’d kiss me and hug me and be happy to see me, but you weren’t. And I thought we’d be able to get drunk together tonight and have sloppy sex and…” I glare at him. “Stop smiling. I was excited to go on tour with you and to share this part of my life with you, this really stressful, important part of my life with you. But now, now you got me wondering.”

“Wondering…”

I shrug and look down at my finger nails, starting to pick at the paint and then I sit on my hands so that Shanda doesn’t get pissed at me. “Are you gonna be like this every time something happens or something messes up? What if something happens right before we’re supposed to take the stage this summer? I can’t have you acting like that. I can’t have your ego getting in the way.”

He rubs his forehead and looks at me, about to open his mouth and speak, but I don’t let him. “And don’t say you don’t have one ‘cause you do, Justin. You know damn well if the roles were reversed and I was the one coming into your dressing room with an attitude you would have made me sit down and you would have lectured me and told me to get out and then you’d be calling me an emotional, naive little girl.” He bites his lip and looks the other way. “You would, so don’t deny it.”

His hands slap against his couch and he looks at me with fire in his eyes. “Dammit Meredith! I’m not good at this, ok? Last time I had a public relationship it blew up in my face, and I’ve tried to keep every other relationship since then under wraps. I haven’t talked about my love life and now, now I am! And the first fucking time I’m supposed to say anything I hear that I’m wrong, that we aren’t together! So yeah, that really bruised and hurt my ego. It scared me. I’m sorry I overreacted, but I’m not perfect.”

“God Justin, you always say that. I know you aren’t. I damn well know you aren’t. I’m not one of your fans. I don’t scream at you because I think you are God. I love you because of who you are, flaws and all. So stop using that as an excuse ‘cause it doesn’t help anything. I don’t expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to have some damn sense.” He shakes his head again and looks down at the table.

It’s quiet for a minute or so and finally I push myself off the couch, pet Brennan’s head and sigh. Justin looks up at me and swallows hard. “Just take me home…”

His muscles in his forehead unclench and his eyes widen just slightly and his jaw slackens, “What?”

“Take me home. I don’t wanna be here tonight.” I walk over to where my shoes are on the coffee table near my purse and I grab both of them up along with the Coke can.

“Mere, stay tonight…”

I just stare at him. “Either you take me home or I can call up Teddy.”

“Ok…” He pushes himself up and nods, saying softly, “Ok. Just give me a minute.”

I walk to his kitchen and throw away the Coke can and grab my phone from the counter, checking it first and slipping it into my purse. I can hear Justin calling for his dogs and realize he must be letting them go outside to their kennel for the night. I take the time to retie Justin’s bread and screw the top back on the peanut butter and wash off the knife. When I finally finish I pull out my phone again and leave Megs a message to give me a buzz. She’s coming out here in a few days and I can’t wait. I think I’m in need of some of her company. I turn around after slipping the phone back into my purse and Justin’s bent over putting this big bag of dog food back into his pantry.

He closes the door and looks at me. He’s rolled his sleeves down but has kept his shirt undone. I follow him to his garage, walking barefoot as he locks up his house and beeps his Porsche unlocked. That kind of pisses me off, because this is his sexy car and he knows it. I told him in New York when we were on the phone that the idea of him in a Porsche got my panties all twisted.

Asshole.

But I ignore him. I ignore how the dark light outside hits his face in the car and how sexy his jaw line is when his muscles clench and how his hands grip the gear shift and the leather steering wheel, letting it slide against his large hands is like he’s performing some sexual act. Yeah, I ignore all that.

Yeah…

Dammit.

I suck in a breath and continue fumbling with the straps to my high heels that are in my lap, concentrating on them, concentrating on the argument we just had. “So if you wanna give me attitude or if we are fighting or anything confrontational comes up, I don’t care what it is Justin, if it’s less than an hour before I’m taking the stage we’re not talking about it until afterward, ok? You might be able to go onstage after being yelled at, but I can’t. I need to have a clear head to perform.”

He nods and glances at me quickly, a small grin on his face. “You did great tonight, though.”

“Thanks…”

“Really…” He reaches over to touch my thigh but his hand snaps back quickly. Dammit. I mean, I guess it’s good that he realizes he shouldn’t have it there, but it felt nice. Shit. Meredith get your head together! You’re supposed to be strong. “You killed it. I was proud.”

“I thought you were too mad at me to be proud.”

“Meredith I wasn’t, I really wasn’t ever mad at you. It was just the situation.”

I stare outside, not focusing on anything, just staring. It make my eyes dry out. “And you took it out on me…no more of that either, ok?”

“I’m sorry about that, I really, really am. I really hope you know how sorry I am, Mere. I blew up tonight, lost my head.”

I nod, not looking at him. “And you’re gonna apologize to Courtney.”

“I’ll send her some damn flowers even.”

It makes me grin. “Thanks. And prepare yourself because even though she hasn’t really said it, I think her and Trace are dating. My battery died on my phone one night so I picked up hers to use it to call my mom and accidentally got into her call log ‘cause I didn’t know how to use her thing ‘cause it’s all complicated…” He starts to laugh at me. “I can’t help it, I’m not good at all that technical stuff.”

He nods and turns from the main roads towards my neighborhood. “Something we have in common.”

“Anyway, so like I got into her call log and it was all Trace with one Angie.”

Justin’s eyes widen. “She’s calling him that much?”

“These were calls her phone had received, Justin.”

“Oh…”

I bite my lip and try not to laugh at him. He really is clueless and in denial. Trace is all about Courtney and he just doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t see why it would be a bad idea. I think it would be cute. Hell, wasn’t he the one in New York that wanted to push Trace onto Courtney to get her off my back? Well it worked, he should be happy.

What a nerd.

We pass the gate to my community and Justin drives slowly down the paved roads, even though I know he wants to rev the engine. A few weeks ago he showed me his cars and was so excited about them even though most of the stuff he said I had no idea about. He still hasn’t taken me on that motorcycle ride yet.

“The press is gonna suck Justin, you know that. So stop freaking out over it, ok?”

“It’s not really the stories or anything, it’s just that today wasn’t a tabloid story. It wasn’t a fake thing about us breaking up or getting married or whatever. I mean, for a while there on the carpet I really thought that maybe you had dumped me and…and I just, I can’t let that happen.”

We pull up to my place and Justin turns into my driveway. “I understand that, but you need to calm down and stop stressing out about us.”

“Ok…” He nods and puts the car in park. He sighs and looks at me, nibbling on his bottom lip as I undo my seatbelt. “Well, I guess I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I pass him a funny look. He looks so depressed right now. “Ok?”

“Sleep well alright?”

I open my door but look back at him, staring hard. “You’re not coming in?”

His eyes widen in surprise and I laugh at him. “I’m allowed?”

“You’re weird.”

I get out and slam the door to his car, laughing a little bit. He’s an asshole and he lets things get to him too much and he has a bit of an ego problem, but dammit if he isn’t the cutest thing. I hear the car shut off and hear a door open and footsteps follow me.

I ignore him as I walk into the foyer of my house and set down my purse and my shoes and pad over into the kitchen and see that I have a message on my phone. I press play and listen to my dad tell me some joke that really isn’t all that funny, but it makes me giggle anyway. He tells me to give them a call soon.

When the message ends I realize how close he’s come up to me. I’ve been leaning against the counter, facing the machine, and now he’s come up behind me and is trying to trap me in between his body and the counter. I turn and face him. He has a cocky grin on his face and I glare.

“We’re not fucking tonight.”

He licks his lips and pulls away, staring at me. “We don’t fuck any night. ‘Cause what we do isn’t fucking, Meredith….”

Ok, so that…yeah, that was a good answer.

But I can’t let him have any idea how much he’s starting to wiggle his way into my good graces. I shouldn’t have let him come in. I should have made him go home. Dammit, I really am weak.

“That was a decent answer.”

He shrugs and pulls away to stand in the middle of my kitchen, looking rather helpless and confused. “I’m learning.”

“You want anything…” I laugh at him. He’s just standing there staring at me. “Since you have no food at your place.”

“I’m not all that hungry.”

“Drink?”

He takes in a deep breath and nods, and then looks at me directly and says, “I’ll get some water. Why don’t you change or whatever and then we’ll just watch TV or you can beat me up or call me every bad name in the book, whatever will make you happy and feel better and get you smiling at me again.”

I try to hold it back but I can’t help it and a little smile comes through. Even when I’m pissed at him, he knows what to do to make me smile. He’s evil. I roll my eyes and start to walk out of the kitchen. “We’ll watch food network in bed.”

He winks at me, his smile full and bright, shining and happy. “That’s my girl.”

I walk through my house, pass the dining room and the living room, trying not to remember the times we’ve made out on my couch, trying not to think about how we haven’t really been here at my house by ourselves in weeks and how so much has changed in that short amount of time. I make my way to my bedroom and immediately reach for the side zipper of my dress, pushing it down and sighing as the red, silk material falls off me at my feet. I practically rip off the corset bra thing and strip out of my thong as well, sighing as I’m no longer being pushed and constrained and forced. I hope Justin doesn’t come back here ‘cause I’m stark naked and I know he’ll take that as an invitation and then Lord knows how well I’ll be able to keep up my restraint.

Thankfully I’m able to slip on some more comfortable underwear, a pair of gym shorts and a tank top before he comes back. I don’t know how long it takes to get water but he takes long enough that I’m able to pull my hair back and start to wash my face.

“Mere?” I wipe my face off with a towel and look up to see him peering in the bathroom. He smiles at me again and I see his shoes are off, and his bare toes are wiggling out from under the ends of his slacks. “There you are…”

“Thanks…” He hands me a glass of water and I take it from him and take a couple sips before handing it back to him. I watch him gulp it down quickly and then hang up my towel and brush past him back into the bedroom. “I have some boxers here somewhere if you want them. They’ll probably fit you and your string bean figure,” I say, crawling up on my bed, pulling off the extra pillows and pushing the covers down to the foot of the bed so I’m only covered by the sheet.

“It’s ok,” He grins and winks at me again. “I’ll just wear the panties I have on.”

I laugh at him and pretend to worry with the remote, getting the TV on and food network working, but really my mind is on the other side of the bed, where he’s taking off his shirt and his pants, folding them neatly into a pile on the chair beside my dresser, leaving himself in these perfectly tight white boxer briefs and a white tank. Why’s he so good looking? I bet if my boyfriend was ugly it’d be much easier to remain pissed off at him.

I guess that’s a really shallow thing to say.

He settles in beside me on my bed but makes sure not to get too close. It’s weird that we already have sides we like to lay on. Like I’m always laying to the left of him, and I’ve tried laying on the other side, but it just doesn’t work as well. Rachael Ray’s 40$ a Day show is on and whenever I glance at Justin he’s just lazily laying there, staring at the TV with not much interest on his face. I push myself up a bit and move my arm and then my hand over my breasts, whining. Damn the shit Shanda puts me in. She’ll probably bitch at me for wrinkling that dress and not hanging it up. Oh well. It was a hot little dress and I love it, but if I have to wear that underwear with it, it can just remain on the floor.

“My boobs hurt…”

He laughs and stretches under the sheet, his foot hits mine. “I’d offer a massage, but I’m afraid I might be castrated tonight.”

“No, it’s just the bra thing that Shanda put me in.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but he does scoot a little closer. He doesn’t touch me, but I can feel the warmth of his body and I move a little on my side so that I’m not facing him. I stare as Rachael Ray squeals over dollar ice cream cones in Aspen or something. But then I close my eyes ‘cause I feel his hand timidly rest against my waist and then curl up over my arm and cover my hand, pulling himself up so that he’s spooning me, his front pulled flush against my back.

It feels so good. This…this is what I’ve been aching for the past week and I finally get it. And I should push him away and tell him not to touch me and make him sleep in the guest room or on the couch or the floor, but I don’t. Instead, I close my eyes and sigh, feeling his nose and his lips rub against my neck and then hear him say, full of emotion, full of honesty, “I missed you this week, Meredith.”

I move a little and turn on my back so that I’m looking up at him. He searches my eyes and chews on his lip. “I really did. And I’m not saying that to crawl myself out of the doghouse…”

I sigh and look away from him. “You’re not in the doghouse, Justin.” I touch the muscle of his arm that’s flexed because of how he’s holding himself propped up beside me. “I don’t expect us never to fight or never to argue, but I really think if we can grow from it and not let it take over everything about us, then we’re good. I’m still a little pissed, but I’m not…I don’t love you any less.”

He looks pathetic, and his eyes are seeking for approval when he whispers softly to me, “Promise?”

I roll my eyes, laugh at him and pull him down against me. Yeah, go ahead and call me weak, call me easy, but I love him and I missed him and it’s not right for me to keep us apart. “Oh my God, you nerd…come here.”

I hold him tightly and I can hear and feel him sigh and smile against my shoulder and kiss me there. His body relaxes against mine. He suddenly pulls me up against him and leans on his back and gets me so I’m half lying against him, my head against his shoulder. I look up at him and he touches my face. “I need you, Mere. That’s why I flipped out. I needed you and I thought you had been taken away. This…this means too much to me for it to just quit. You mean more to me than just a month or two of a lot of fun. This is deep girl.” He leans his cheek against my head and runs his hand along my arm, getting to my hand and running his fingers in between and through mine. “It’s like…I can see myself with you, like for a while…a long while. Like I can imagine us ya know, far from now, doing this, watching food network and going to sleep, and…and being old and I don’t know.”

Do not cry.

Dammit, Meredith. Do not cry.

I suck in a breath. I hate him. I really do. He always knows exactly what to say and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. He should just be an asshole and fuck up all the time and not be able to redeem himself. But he always knows how to, it might take him a while and he might stumble on the way, but he always ends up like this, with me holding onto him, realizing how much I need him and love him.

I look up at him and smile. I’m easy and I’m weak and I do not give a damn. “Ok, you can kiss me, ‘cause that was really sweet…..” He smiles back at me and leans in, but before he can kiss me a thought crosses my mind and I bring my hand up to cover his mouth. I might be weak and easy, but I’m not stupid and I’m still gonna put my foot down.

I don’t want him to assume that he can act like this and nothing will happen and that all will get back to normal. I have to do this, even if I don’t like it. His eyes are wide and I look at him sternly, “But….we’re not having sex tonight.”

I pull my hand away and there’s a bright smile underneath. “What about tomorrow morning?”

I laugh. What a little fucker. And he knows it. “Nope.”

He tickles my side a little and I kick my legs against his. “So I’m a little bit in the dog house, huh?”

I glare at him. “Maybe a little bit.” He laughs and kisses me.

And it’s not hard and it’s not really all that deep, but it’s the first kiss I’ve had from him in a week and it makes me melt. I’m like putty or Jell-O and I pull back from him and snuggle into his chest, staring at Rachael Ray but really paying no mind to her. I’m concentrating more on how much I love the sound of his heart beat under my ear and the feel of his hand against my back and my arm and the slight pressure of his lips against the top of my head.

“I love you though, no matter where you put me,” he says and I squeeze him tight.

I guess that’s the thing. I guess that’s what makes it ok for me to lay here with him and hold him. No matter what happens, no matter that he might have an attitude problem or a bit of an ego, no matter if he over reacted tonight and was irrational. No matter if we had a big fight. He still loves me and I know that. Deep down I know that.

And I love him and nothing’s going to change that. And, and maybe the fact that we have fought tonight and we are here now holding each other and relaxing, maybe that’s not being easy and maybe that’s not being weak. Maybe that’s just faith.

And while I’m still going to call him out when this stuff happens and while I’m not going to just let him overreact and bring me down, I’m also not going to let petty arguments and fights ruin what we have. Because what we have is much more important to me.

“I know you do.” I turn and kiss the center of his chest and hold myself against him, breathing in his smell of fresh cologne and a hint of Tide.

I fit next to him. And this might be cheesy or ridiculous, but it makes me think of something my momma told me when I was about eleven. I was convinced I was going to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas and so I asked my momma how she knew daddy was the one for her. She had laughed, handing me another dish to dry and said that it was because of how she felt next to him, how she fit next to him. I asked her why that mattered, why that was so important, and she told me that when God had made Eve he had made her out of Adam’s rib, out of his side, so that now, when a woman felt perfect next to a man then it was meant for them to be together. I barely understood her at the time. In fact, I think I thought her a little nuts after that.

But now…now I get it.

I fit with Justin. I fit so well next to him and it feels so good and warm and comforting to lie beside him. This, this is my home, this is where I’m meant to be. Maybe that’s what he meant when he said he can imagine us like this, laying here watching TV and being old. Maybe he knows it, too.

I move to look up at him. His eyes are closed but he smiles at me and turns to press his lips against my hair and keep them there.