Downstairs Guest bedroom, 11:52 p.m.

What the hell is that?

It’s quiet for a moment and then I hear it again, a scratch on the window pane from outside. I pull the covers up on the plush bed that’s so fluffy it’s almost uncomfortable. My eyes dart to the window and I see nothing because the blinds are closed. I know there’s this big bush in front of the window so maybe the wind is blowing and a branch is hitting the glass. I hope so. I’d hate to be murdered in Bum Fuck, Tennessee in the guestroom of a house whose owner hates me. Well, I don’t think Justin’s parents hate me, but he sure as hell does. He’s made that pretty clear this past week by not saying a word to me. I mean, not a word.

And I knew when I was dropped off earlier today that I would have to sneak in. I didn’t want to interrupt anything that Meredith and Justin had planned. When I came into the house it was silent, but I knew they were here because all the lights were on and his car was here. I shut the door behind me, turned off the lights in the house because that’s a big pet peeve of mine, and walked quickly to the guest bedroom that Lynn had told me to treat as my own. The room is on the first floor, in the same section of the house as her and Paul’s bedroom. Justin apparently keeps the whole top floor to himself with a massive bedroom, another guestroom and an office. I’ve hidden in here in the downstairs room all tonight and most of my stay as well. Tonight though, I’ve just sat on the bed and thought about what I’ve done. I took a shower. It didn’t help much. I tried to read, but nothing worked to ease my mind. I’ve confined myself to this room. I’ve forced myself to sit here and think and beat myself up about what I let happen.

What I let him do to me.

About two hours ago the silence of the house was stopped by the sound of water running upstairs. I guess Justin’s bathroom is right above my room because I heard his shower run…and run. It lasted like 45 minutes. I wonder how big their water heater is. I also wonder what the hell they’ve been doing up there. I guess she finally did it with him.

The sound of water wasn’t soothing, though. At first I thought it might help me get to sleep, but no, it just made me think about water and rain and this afternoon and what happened and how I freaked out and how I ruined everything. I then decided to check my voicemail and see if there was anything interesting happening in the world outside of Millington, the real world as I would call it. Everything is too damn quaint here, perfect, small country town where everyone is friendly. It annoys the shit out of me. I need LA or New York, fast. And I honestly can’t wait for three days from now when we catch that flight up north. Meredith is leaving straight from here to do more promotion. Her album is going to be out in just two and a half weeks.

I had this voicemail from Angie, it told me to check my email so I pulled out my laptop and was able to pick up a wireless signal. There was this long ass email telling me that I need to keep my phone on and nearby at all times and that Meredith needs to stop turning hers off or letting her battery die. Then she went into something that made my stomach churn and my brain dizzy.

Touring.

I’ve craved it. I’ve wanted it. I’ve been thinking about how exciting and interesting tour life would be. But not like this. Apparently, Angie and Johnny and Jive and Sony have all been in talks and they’re on a mission to convince Meredith and Justin to tour together.

And as much as the two of them bull shit about keeping their relationship and work separate I know they won’t say no. I know they’ll love it. I know they’ll eat it up. And I know I won’t be able to get away from Trace. I’ll be stuck. I’ll be forced. I’ll be miserable.

That damned tapping has started back and I decide to throw off the covers and grab my thing of pepper spray out of my purse. I don’t flip on the light so that if it is an intruder or something they won’t see me as easily. I cautiously run to the wall by the window, my socks sliding a bit on the slick hard wood. My fingers slip in between two of the blinds and peek out. I see nothing but a big bush sitting there. But there’s no wind, nothing. I look harder and still see no branch, no creepy man, but I want to be sure, so I slowly move to the pole that opens the blinds and turn my fingers, twisting the rod.

“Court!” It’s muffled, and it’s outside. I squint my eyes to see through the slits and I spot arms waving on the other side of the colossal bush, one arm holding up a long stick.

What in the world? Don’t tell me Justin and Meredith locked themselves out of the house.

I keep my spray in hand but I pull the string so the blinds go up and look harder. I’m not about to open the window, yet.

“Courtney! It’s me!”

I just stare at the waving stick. I still can’t see him that well, but I know who the hell it is. I can’t believe this. I can’t fucking believe this.

I put the pepper spray on the window sill, and fumble with the window locks, finally pushing the damned thing up and looking out through the screen. The sound of insects invade my ears and I yell in a harsh whisper, “What the hell are you doing!”

I want him to disappear. I want him to just vanish. What happened this afternoon was horrid. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had and, and it was horrible. It was in the back seat of his mother’s car and, and all he cared about was getting off. I mean, it wasn’t like he didn’t please me, but after we were done I realized I had gotten caught up in the moment, had let myself give in, give up, and I fell.

I fell for him right then even though I knew that he didn’t give a shit about me. Well, I know that’s not true. I know he likes me, like a friend. And he must be attracted to me to have sex with me. But I know he doesn’t feel the way that I do and that’s a problem, a big problem. I promised myself I would never let this happen again. And what do I do to the first guy I start to hang out with since Keith? I fuck him, and I fall for him.

“I came to talk.”

His voice is quiet and I laugh, seeing his arms wave over the bush again, this time throwing the stick away. It’s kind of a tall ass bush and well, he is rather short. “And you couldn’t ring the doorbell or knock or call?”

“No…” He pauses for a moment. “I didn’t want to wake up Justin or Meredith.”

Of course, he’s always thinking about Justin. Sometimes I think he might be secretly in love with him. That would make everything a hell of a lot easier for me. “You could have called.”

“You wouldn’t have answered.”

Well, he’s got a point. He tried to talk to me when he dropped me off, after all the drama at his grandfather’s. Oh, that was awkward, having this old man come out with this beat up truck to take us back to his place, me squished in between the two of them in the front seat that smelled like tobacco and old leather. Then we had to call a tow truck and he drove us back to Trace’s house and I had to meet his mother, who was sweet and all, but a little flighty. And I think she thought I was Trace’s girlfriend, ‘cause well, she was treating me like that. She told me that she was so happy her boy had someone like me in his life. I could have been a prostitute and I don’t think the lady would have cared.

Trace took his car and drove me back to Justin’s at eight. Mrs. Ayala begged me to stay for dinner and I tried to lie to her and told her I had plans with Meredith. Trace glared at me and said, “oh yeah, Justin called and said he was taking her out so you guys are gonna have dinner tomorrow night. So stay, please.” So I was forced to sit there with Trace and his parents and his siblings and eat this family dinner. I was mortified. When he drove me back he kept trying to talk to me but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything to him. I was angry at myself, angry at him, angry at the damn world. I just looked out the window and at one point he slammed the car on its brakes and yelled at me. But I didn’t budge.

That just pissed him off more, I’m sure. But what could he expect me to say? He dropped me off, and as soon as I got out of the car and shut the door, he left. He flipped me off, too, which was childish but I don’t really blame him. I mean, none of this is really his fault. I should have been upfront and told him the reason I didn’t want to have sex with him was because I knew I’d fall for him. And I did fall for him.

But I didn’t want him to think I was weak. It’s funny, actually. Now I know he knows I’m weak. My actions scream it. They scream a woman who has no fucking clue what she is doing. And I hate that. I hate looking weak. I hate being pathetic.

I swore to myself that I’d never be pathetic again, that I’d never show a man how weak I really was. And now I’ve done that.

“What do you want!”

“Come outside on the back porch and talk to me.”

This is annoying. I can’t see him, and…and I don’t really want to. I don’t even want to talk to him.

“I can talk to you fine right here.” But I can’t say that I’m not a little bit happy at the idea of him hanging outside of my window, tapping on it with a stick, trying to get me to talk to him. It’s a bit romantic, insanely cheesy, and I know I’m reading too much into it. But it makes my heart beat a little faster. He makes that happen. It sucks having a crush, especially when the crush isn’t returned.

He laughs. “We’re talking through a holly bush, Courtney.”

I glare at the bush, imagining it’s him, wishing my look could cut through the damn thing so he could see me and see how much I don’t want to have this conversation with him. “Exactly, so if you get too close you get pricked.”

“Ya know, maybe I should ring the doorbell…” It’s quiet and then he chuckles. “Piss Justin off, claim that you needed something from me…”

“You wouldn’t do that, you bastard.”

He sighs and I can hear him walking around in the pine straw, trying to find a way closer, and failing. “What did I do that was so bad Courtney? You were there, too. I didn’t rape you. I didn’t force you.”

“I don’t wanna have this conversation here.”

He laughs and raises his voice at me. “You’re the one that wants to be protected by a mother fucking holly bush.”

I shush him. The last thing I want is Justin stomping down here like mister hero. I can see him doing that, too. He’d hate me for life and then go crack open a beer with Trace. I don’t know why he hates me and one of these days I’m going to get to the bottom of it. But right now I have bigger things to worry about. I realize though if we continue to have this conversation through the holly bush, Justin will come out and will bitch at me. So I give into his plea to talk to me and give into my gushy girly side that wants to see him and hear what he has to say.

“Fine! I’ll meet you on the back porch. How are you gonna get over the fence?” They got this pretty big iron fence around the back yard and I can just see Trace struggling to get over and puncturing himself or ripping his clothes and causing more of a scene and a racket than he has already by poking my window with a stick.

“You forget I grew up here. Justin and I have perfected the art of sneaking in.”

I hear his shoes in pine straw for a second and then its quiet again and I call out to him. “Trace…Trace!” But he’s gone and I realize I’m going to have to come out of hiding and go talk to him. Shit, I should have known better, I should have thought this through. I don’t know what he wants to say to me. I don’t know if he’s gonna rub it in, make fun of me, try to take advantage of me again. I don’t have a clue and I don’t know if I want to find out. I think about just sitting here, locking the window back up and putting on my headphones and turning up the volume and drowning out any other sound.

But I don’t do that. I go to the door, I open it and I pad through the dark house, through the den to the kitchen and out the back door to the big deck there. I sit down on one of the cushioned lounge chairs and wait. The crickets and other bugs are loud as hell and it’s kind of humid. For a while I wonder if he just said that shit to me and is about to pelt me with rotten eggs or do something completely middle-schoolish. But nothing happens and then I wonder if he’s just going to not show up and make me sit here and wait.

It wouldn’t matter though. The fresh air is kind of nice and it’s not like I haven’t been sitting, waiting and thinking all evening.

But he finally does show up, strolling slowly up the steps of the deck from the back yard near the pool. He stops when he gets level with the deck and leans casually against the railing. “Will you put your hands up?”

“Excuse me?”

He shrugs. “I wanna make sure you don’t have some weapon.”

“Trace…” I sigh and roll my eyes. He’s only half way being serious. He’s trying to make a joke and I’m not in the mood for jokes. I don’t even know what mood I’m in. He finally, slowly walks over to one of the chairs that’s facing me and sits down and leans forward, running his hands against each other, resting his elbows on his knees. It’s quiet for a while and he doesn’t look at me.

It’s hard to sit here with him. The longer I look at him the more I realize that he’s not the asshole I keep trying to label him. And, and I also realize that just maybe, maybe it wasn’t all about getting off for him. Maybe it was more than that. He’s here right? He’s sitting here with me, he was tapping on my window. Maybe he’s drunk.

He looks up directly at me. No…no he’s not drunk. “What the hell happened this afternoon?”

“We fucked.” I can’t look at him, but out of the corner of my eye I notice he sits back against the chair.

“After that.” I don’t say anything. “Dammit Courtney! Why’d you do it if you couldn’t handle it?”

I glare at him and stand up. I can’t believe he just called me out like that. “Couldn’t handle it? Oh right, ‘cause I’m the one that’s all fucked up and can’t handle sex.”

He shrugs. “Well, it seems that way.”

I hug my arms around my chest. It’s suddenly cold. The thin cotton pajama pants and t-shirt I’m wearing aren’t doing a whole hell of a lot to keep me warm right now. “Just leave me alone. You don’t know anything about me. And you don’t care and that’s fine. But just don’t come near me.”

“I do care, Courtney. Don’t think that I don’t care.”

I shake my head. Shit, he can’t say things like that. He…he can’t look at me like that. “You care more about calling your fucking grandfather,” I mumble.

I push myself up off the lounge chair and make a move like I’m going inside, but I don’t.

“Is that what this is about?” I turn and see him run a hand over his face and stand up. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, ok? I was…I was in shock. Literally.”

I shake my head and look over at the grill that’s just sitting there. I have to have something to focus on. I can’t look at him anymore. “Shocked that you just fucked a girl like me and wanted to get away as far…”

“Shut up.” I let out a breath and move my eyes right in front of me when I realize he’s inches away, his hands on my shoulders. I’m forced to look at him and I can’t look away. He pulls me into him and I just stare over his shoulder, not sure what I’m supposed to do. It’s ok when I hate him, when I hate myself, but this…this is just a mess. This makes everything…complicated.

Like it wasn’t complicated enough before.

“What are you doing?” I don’t push him away but I don’t hold him either. He’s even swaying with me just a little bit. And I just let him.

“Trying to get you to relax.” He sighs and pulls back just a little bit, but doesn’t let me go. “I really am sorry about this afternoon, about afterwards, about how I acted or whatever I did to get you so upset. But I’m not sorry for what we did. I don’t regret it and I don’t want to take it back.”

“Stop it.” I say harshly to him. He’s…he’s being perfect and I know he’s not perfect and I don’t know why he’s acting like this.

“Stop what?”

I rip away from him, shake my head and stare out over the yard. It’s dark, real dark and I can’t see shit. I don’t even know why we’re out here. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal to bring him inside. Hell, Justin and Meredith have hibernated upstairs. I don’t really think they’d care. “You’re not supposed to be this nice. I’m the one that flipped out, Trace. I know I overreacted and I know you think I’m crazy. I just…”

I sigh and I almost continue what I was going to say, but I hear him behind me. “You were hurt real bad, weren’t you?”

I suck in a breath and turn on my heels. I realize my socks are probably getting disgustingly dirty on the deck. He’s a lot closer than I expected and I run a hand over my head, letting my hair fall from the holder and then quickly putting it back up. “Yeah….yeah I was. And I promised myself I’d never let someone control me, and I promised myself I’d never let a man see me weak and that’s what happened today. I was weak and I gave in. And now I’m a complete mess.”

He smiles distantly. “So, what about us? Clearly, neither of us are really ready for commitment or something huge.”

I nod and agree with him. But, but he’s wrong. He’s really, really wrong. I think I could be persuaded to do something huge, to commit.

To him.

I’ve lost it. You would think getting laid would make you feel better and think more clear about things. But not me, I’m a fucking jigsaw puzzle that a 4 year old decided it would be fun to rip apart and destroy. I should be committed.

He smiles at me, I can see it in the darkness. “So what…”

Then all the lights of the deck come on. I gasp and Trace turns to look back at the glass doors of the house. Justin’s standing there in just some shorts with his hands on his hips looking at us with his eyes widened and his mouth dropped a little. “What the hell?” I can’t hear it, but I know that’s what he said behind the glass.

Trace turns to me and quickly says. “Did you get a call from Angie today?”

“About touring?” He walks quickly to the door that Justin’s getting ready to open. He looks back at me.

“That’s what we’re out here talking about. I’ve got it covered.”

That pisses me off. I don’t see why we couldn’t just tell him we were hanging out or whatever. Justin shouldn’t need an explanation about this. Hell, for all I know Trace has already called up Justin with every dirty gritty detail. I mean, yeah this is his house and we were being all secretive and stupid on his deck. But he shouldn’t have to know why.

“What the hell are you two doing out here? Mere and I were asleep and we hear these voices and she freaked out.”

“We had business to discuss,” Trace explains. “And we didn’t want to be out here with the lights and wake you guys up or in the house where you could hear us talking. I’m sorry we should have been quieter.”

“Business?” Justin looks at me for a moment and then back at his best friend. He narrows his eyes. “You doing a drug deal or something Ayala.”

“No, touring.”

Justin turns his head, as if he couldn’t hear Trace right. “Excuse me, touring?”

“Is Meredith awake?”

Justin nods and then laughs. “Yeah, she was convinced a burglar was going to get in the house and steal my awards.”

“Your awards?” Trace chuckles and Justin shrugs.

“It’s what she said.”

“Well go get her, if you guys are up. It concerns both of you.”

Justin narrows his eyes at Trace and shakes his head before turning back into the house. “You’re weird, Trace….”

Once he leaves, Trace holds the door open and waves me over. I brush past him, “Nice cover.”

“Yeah, we’ll just go ahead and talk to them about touring and pretend that it was urgent or something. I’ve got it all covered. Just let me talk.”

I sit on the couch and cross my legs. Now I’ve got this headache and he’s starting to piss me off again. I don’t understand why we have to have this big cover up. I guess he’s embarrassed of me or something, embarrassed Justin will find out we fucked and then he’ll get laughed at. Justin will say something smart like Trace banged the khakis girl, took a detour to khakis pants land. Yeah, I know that’s what they call me. I don’t care. It’s stupid.

And it’s stupid that he assumes I need to just shut up and let him, the man, take care of everything.

“Got everything figured out, don’t you?”

“What? What’s wrong?” He sits down in the loveseat and stares at me for a while as I start to hear laughter and voices. I can see them coming down the stairs, Meredith riding on Justin’s back. I ignore Trace.

“I thought you were a robber, mutant!”

“I’ve been thought worse.” His eyes dart from me as Justin lets Meredith drop off of him at the bottom of the steps. He complains about some type of back pain and she rolls her eyes at him. Then we get to watch as Justin comes up behind Meredith, tickles her sides and picks her up over his shoulder, laughing and smacking her butt as she squeals.

They’re pathetic. And so damn obvious. He flips her around and perches her on the couch that I’m on and she runs a hand through her hair and then keeps it on her forehead, “Justin! Now I’m dizzy…” She swats at him and he sits down beside her and pulls her into his body, so she’s laying on him.

She’s clearly wearing his clothes, a huge shirt on her and some boxers rolled up so they show off as much of her legs as possible. Justin put on a wife beater to go with his bright blue basketball shorts. I’m in my pajamas and I look at Trace, in jeans and a shirt. I wonder what Trace wears to sleep. Probably nothing.

I shake my head. I’m pathetic.

“So we got business to discuss.” I say, tired of their little display of flirtation.

“Uh ohh….” Meredith says, and moves so she’s sitting Indian style. “Can’t we just watch a movie and eat some snacks and…” She busts out laughing and turns and smacks at Justin who’s just smiling at her. “Stopppp..”

He puts his hands up at his sides and she leans in and kisses his neck.

I look at Trace and roll my eyes and thankfully he says, “Could you please refrain from having sex in front of us? Thanks.”

Meredith turns as red as an apple and Justin moves his arms and hands from her and sprawls out on the couch. I turn a little so that his hand doesn’t hit me. He’s got Meredith up against him and I’m sitting beside him but I don’t wanna get too close to him because well, he hates me. “Well then tell us what’s up,” he asks and cracks his neck.

“Touring.” I look at Trace and then at Meredith and Justin who are just staring back at him. I don’t even know why I’m here. It seems I’m just taking up space in this room. I should go to bed. He speaks very slowly, “What would you think about doing it together?”

“Really?” They say it at the same time but while Meredith’s is an excited squeal, Justin says it in a cautious, unbelieving tone.

“Yeah, Sony and Jive have come up with the idea and Johnny and Angie called us and told us to talk it over with you guys, just to get the idea in your head. They want to talk to you both together and individually tomorrow.”

Justin nods and sighs, staring at Trace. “They realize this is going to be a press field day?” He moves his arms from the back of the couch and leans forward. I watch Meredith, she’s just staring at him. I know she’s a little worried about his reaction to all this, but it’s not that bad. Justin is the more conservative one in their relationship and has more experience with the public and press. She should know that.

“They’re pushing it. They want it to happen. I’m sure they’ve looked at all the options. Now they just need to convince you guys.”

Finally, Justin turns to Meredith and stares at her for a second and I take the opportunity to look at Trace. He’s just sitting there casually. It’s amazing how he can be so down to business and yet so relaxed. He looks good too and I start to think about that afternoon and what we did and…and how good it felt. He knew what he was doing. And even though it was fast and rushed and probably the least romantic thing, damn did he know what he was doing. I bite my lip and look back at Justin when I notice him getting up from the couch. “We’ll have to think about it. You want something to drink?”

Meredith nods and he leans down to kiss her. When Justin starts to leave the room, Trace goes to follow and I watch them leave. As soon as they are out of sight, someone’s pulling on my arm and right by my side.

“Oh my god, Court…this...” She sighs and hugs me quickly before sitting back against the couch. “This is perfect. I was worried that maybe something would happen if we had to tour at the same time and we’d be all apart but now it’s…” She’s glowing. She’s got this flush to her cheeks and hasn’t stopped smiling since she came down the steps. “It’s perfect.”

“You sure you wanna do this?” I ask. Clearly all she’s thinking about is sleeping on a tour bus with Justin and sharing late nights with him in hotels. She’s not thinking about the long hours and how tired she’s going to be and how tired he’s going to be and what this will mean as far as their relationship in the public domain is concerned and what would happen if something went wrong. I can tell those thoughts were running through Justin’s mind.

All she can think about is being with him and being happy. And she is right now, but she has got to grow up and realize that that happiness is not gonna last. It can’t. It never does.

“Oh my God, am I sure?” She blushes and leans into me. “Courtney….we….” She giggles and turns that apple red shade again.

“It’s fairly obvious.” I roll my eyes but smile at her. But it fades when jealousy surges through me. I’m not a girly type of person, but I wish I could be. I wish I could spill to her what happened this afternoon and, and I wish that Trace was there with me tickling me and flirting with me, unable to keep his hands away. I wish I had that type of affection.

“Sorry, I just…oh my God, it was so good.” She falls back on the couch and groans and I stare at her in shock. I might wanna be able to blab to someone, but I don’t wanna freak out like she is. She sits back up and smiles even brighter, looking at the doorway to the kitchen for a moment and then back at me, “He…he told me he loved me. He loves me, Court!”

My stomach starts to hurt. “Shouldn’t you be telling Megan all this?”

“Silly…” She sticks her tongue out at me. “Yeah I will, but she’s not here right now, and you are. And you’re my friend so deal with it.” She laughs and nudges me but I don’t really say anything to her. I guess in a way I’m glad that she’s putting me in her mix of friends, but I don’t want to be in the middle if any drama happens. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. I guess that’s what I get by being her assistant. I really do like Meredith, she’s a sweet girl, but her relationship with Justin annoys the snot out of me sometimes. “And if we all go on tour together you get to spend more time with Mister Mutant.”

I look at her and she winks at me. I shake my head and slide down onto the couch so that I’m slouching. “Great….”

“Oh don’t play it off.” She gets closer to me and whispers, “So what were you guys really talking about outside?”

“What?”

“Please…” She rolls her eyes at me. “This tour bull shit could wait ‘til the morning. Why were you two outside in the dark being all secretive?” Sometimes I don’t give her enough credit. She’s smarter than she seems.

“We were just talking.” I shrug.

“Did you kiss him?”

I sit up and stare at her. “No!”

She just grins more secretively. “Did he kiss you!?”

I sigh and shake my head. “Meredith, no…”

She pouts at me. “Well that’s no fun.” I don’t know why she’s so adamant about us getting together. I almost wonder if I should spill to her about us, about what happened this afternoon. But then I know she’ll tell Justin and if he’s going to find out I’d rather Trace tell him, I don’t know why, but…I just do.

I feel like if he hears it from Meredith he’ll be pissed off. I know he’s told Trace not to get involved with me, but I don’t see how it’s any of his business. I don’t tell Meredith how I feel about Justin or their relationship.

“Look, nothing’s happening between us.” I change the subject, quickly. “And you need to make sure this touring thing is what you want. I mean, what if you guys break up half way through it?” It’s a genuine concern that she hasn’t even thought about.

“Won’t happen.” She shakes her head. But it can, Meredith. Dammit, it can happen.

“You so sure?”

“We’re in love Courtney, in love!”

She’s clueless and naïve. She doesn’t even realize that her little thing with Justin might not last. So what if he told her he loved her? He very well could be lying. They’re fucking now and that’s probably all he cares about. I don’t know Justin that well. I know he can be very quiet and contemplative at times and I know he was an asshole to her once. I know he’s always an asshole to me, so I don’t have a lot of faith in him. I don’t know him that well, but I’m around him enough to know that this thing they have going on might change as quickly as his moods do.

“Yeah, but you never know what could happen, what could change.”

She shrugs and her face lights up when the guys come back in the room. Trace hands me a beer. Great, now all I want to do is sleep and they seem like they are ready to party. Justin has a bag of pretzel sticks with him and Meredith smiles at him and reaches out her hands after setting down her beer. “You brought me a snack.”

“Please girl, these are mine…”

They start to fight playfully and it ends up with Justin lying in the corner of the couch and her on top of him with the TV on, watching some movie on HBO and sharing the pretzels. I get up and move so they can have more space and so that Justin’s nasty ass bare feet don’t get any closer to me than they already are. I go sit myself down in the plush chair on the other side of the loveseat where Trace is sprawled out. He pats the space beside him, but I just glare. He was the one that wanted to cover up everything going on outside, and now he wants me to snuggle up to him or something.

That’s bull shit. I curl up in the chair and watch the damn movie, some romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston.

“You ok?” He asks me and I just turn and stare at him and then sink down in the chair and watch the movie until my eyes get heavy. I glance at Meredith and Justin a little bit and I guess it’s a little sketchy how I’m always watching them, but dammit if I don’t get jealous.

Sometimes she gets on my last nerve and its clear I’m not the big Justin fan, but I wish I could be that naïve and that blind. I wish I could just lie on a man like she is, completely asleep with him running his hands through my hair and across my back. I wish I could squeal to someone that a man loved me and stupidly protest that nothing bad was going to happen because of that fact.

I glance over at Trace.

He’s staring back at me. And it’s weird because his expression is blank and I could read whatever I want to on it. There may be some anger there, some disappointment, curiosity, kindness. But there’s no love. And I’m not saying I’m in love with him, because I’m not. But I have fallen for him and it disgust me ‘cause I know that he could never fall for a girl like me.

I don’t even want to be in love. I just wish the possibility of love could somehow exist for me.