Lot 14 outside of Studio B, 2:22 a.m.

I sip on my coffee, amazed how cold it can get at night here in LA. I guess it is in the middle of a desert. I’m use to New York where in the summer it’s hot, in the winter it’s cold and that’s it. Here in LA it’s always sunny, always hot but then random nights like this can give you insane chills. It’s a different type of cold than winter cold. It’s not bitter or bone chilling, but it can surprise you. At least I was able to swipe this hoodie from Meredith. I don’t think it’s hers, though. It smells like cologne and it’s huge. But she offered it and it made me a little more willing to run out to the 7-11 and get her a couple cans of RedBull and some snacks. All they had as far as coffee was this flavored shit. It’s cappuccino flavored water, completely disgusting, but it’s caffeinated and hot.

I feel like crap. I couldn’t eat all day and finally now that I’ve gone to the store I start to starve. I stuffed down a bag of KC Masterpiece chips and had a pack of Starburst on the ride back. Now I’m drinking my coffee, and it’s probably not the best idea, especially when my stomach was so empty. I just, I couldn’t eat earlier, not with Angie there looking at my every movement. I was afraid if I did eat then maybe she would yell at me and tell me I was doing wrong and should be worshipping Meredith. It’s like that’s what she expects me to do.

But my appetite had been fairly non-existent since last night.

It was a strange, strange day. Neither Meredith nor I knew she was going to show up and at first I thought Mere was more terrified than I was. She immediately started grilling both of us into the ground about all the drama that had been happening. An uproar of tabloid press had hooked onto Meredith and Justin and Angie felt the need to rub it in her face. I tried to stay out of it and tried to not pay much attention, I had more important things on my mind. Once Mere and her went and talked they suddenly became buddy buddies again and I was shocked.

Angie started to enjoy the video premise, especially after Sony ate up the idea. Her and Justin seemed to get along. She was even talking to Trace at one point and laughing. I’m not going to touch that subject. But she ignored me for the rest of the day, except to tell me that Meredith needed me to go get her a lunch plate at the catering tent and that I needed to make a phone call to get Mere an appointment at some designer’s workshop for a dress for the MTV awards show that’s coming up. I don’t know. I guess Angie isn’t so bad. After the initial bitch that she was this morning she turned more into the woman that I had first met. She was very professional with everyone, very down to business, but also very fun, or at least with everyone else. Plus, I fucked up a lot today with minor things, so I don’t really have an excuse. She has every right to be pissed at me.

I’m thankful Mere has been forgiving and understanding. She wants to know if I’m ‘ok’, if I need to ‘talk’. I told her I was fine, just cramping. She laughed and said I must be on a 14 day cycle. I didn’t find it too humorous. But I fake laughed so she’d get off my back and not know that the real reason I was so fucked up in the head was standing fifteen feet on the other end of the trailer, laughing with Justin about something.

At least I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring him and he hasn’t said a word to me, hasn’t even looked my way to glare or flip me off or tell me I’m a cock-teasing bitch. No, he’s acted like I don’t even exist. I guess it hurts worse than if he was blatantly angry with me, but I guess I deserve it. No, no it doesn’t hurt. I’m not attached like that. I’m really not. It must just be stress.

I’m tired and I wish I could go home. I wish when Angie left a few hours ago I could have gone with her, but I couldn’t. I stayed because it’s my job. Soon afterward Meredith had some shots to do with Justin. She was thrilled about them, squealing to me and Shanda about how hot he was looking that day and how they were going to put him in a suit. Justin and his crew busted into the trailer soon after so they could go on set together. Trace was going to go watch them do the shoot and Shanda decided she wanted to watch, too. It was a big deal, a big audience formed just to see Meredith and Justin dancing all sexy together. I thought it was kind of ridiculous and didn’t understand why people cared so much. So when she asked me to go to the store for her and Justin I agreed.

It was nice to get away from everything and everyone.

I take in a deep breath, holding the two bags of drinks and junk food in one hand and my coffee and purse in the other. I have the keys in my mouth because I was trying to hold onto everything when I shut the door and well, it was just very complicated. I like to pretend that I’m smooth at times, but I’m such a klutz and I’m trying so hard not to drop anything. I’ll be happy when I can set this stuff down, finish my crappy fake coffee and lay down on that horrible green couch and pass out until it’s time to go home. A nap will be so nice and relaxing and…

“That’s my shirt!”

I jump and coffee spills out of the little no-spill lid and gets on my hand a little. I curse and drop the keys on the pavement and suck on my hand to get the hot liquid off. I hope to God that’s not him. If it is I’m going to kill Meredith for putting me in his sweatshirt. She did smile kind of weird when she handed it to me. I suck in a breath and move the bag to hang over my wrist and I try to bend down and pick up the keys. But two shoes stop before me and a nice pair of slacks hiding skinny long legs lead up to a frowning pop star.

I say a silent, thankful prayer that it’s Justin and not Trace. They really do sound more a like than I realized. It’s scary almost. Trace has a deeper voice, but at times their accents are perfectly the same. For all their physical differences they really are twins.

I groan when the bag starts to hurt my wrist and I have a hard time reaching the keys. “Will you just pick those up for me?” I stand up straight and look at him. He’s towering over me with a glare in his eyes.

“That’s my shirt.”

I roll my eyes. What does he think I did? Steal it so I could wear it and be all Justin-ated? Please. He’s annoying. “I didn’t know that. Meredith gave it to me because I was cold. I thought it was hers. She claimed it was.”

“Oh.”

Yeah, oh. Dumbass. He really is stupid sometimes. “Could you help me out here a little bit?”

He sighs and mumbles, “I gotta get to set.”

I thrust the plastic bag at him. “I think you can help me walk 100 feet, or are you too much of a prissy pop star to be able to help your girlfriend’s assistant?”

“Ok, God.” He snatches the bag and rolls his eyes and starts to stomp off. What a three year old! I snap up my keys and march after him. I’m going to force him to have a conversation with me. I haven’t done a damn thing to him and this is more than him just being uncomfortable with strangers. He’s hung out with all the extras all day and he didn’t know any of them! What’s so damn bad about me! What’s so wrong with me that he can’t at least be civil and kind?

“So how’s the shoot been so far?” I say as I catch up to him. “I know that last scene caused an audience.”

“It was fine.”

He’s pathetic and boring. I don’t even know why Meredith likes him. I guess he’s different around her. I at least hope so. I don’t know what I’m saying. I know he is. I see how he is with her. I saw them all day together, him picking on her hair and her outfits and kissing in between shoots and trying to pretend once they were out of the trailer like they were nothing more than just friends. They are that couple, that couple that’s annoying and pathetic and cute and makes you jealous for their type of relationship. I hate it. I hate being around them. And it’s sad that I let it get to me this much.

It’s even more sad that I let Trace get to me last night.

“Just fine?”

“Yeah, it was cool.”

We reach the trailer in no time and Justin kindly opens the door for me. I’m shocked and I sigh and look up at him. I start to say to him, “Look, I know we don’t really get along but…” I stop, ‘cause sitting there on the couch is Trace, sprawled out, on his cell phone, laughing.

Fuck.

“What?” Justin nudges me and hands me the plastic bag.

“Oh nothing,” I set down my purse and drop the keys into it and shake my head before grabbing the plastic handle. I wish I could just get away from him, both of them, and everything else. “Just never mind.”

“You’re late, mister. They came in here looking for you.” Shanda’s voice makes me jump. Dammit, that man puts my nerves on edge. And all he’s doing is lying there, ignoring me.

“What?”

“On the set, go. Mere’s already out there.”

Justin runs a hand over his short hair and turns on his heels when Shanda points to the door. “Oh shit.”

“Here, take this for Mere.” I reach in the back and hand him two cans of the energy drink. “I think this one is for you, too. Tell her I got her food here.”

“Oh ok.” He looks dumfounded for a moment and then nods at me. “Thanks.”

Then the door shuts, and I thank God that Shanda is there and I’m not forced to be alone with him any more than I have to. I fish around in the bag just to look busy for a moment and then glance up at him, to see what he’s doing.

He’s staring right at me.

I gulp.

“Hey Courtney…” I cut my eyes over to Shanda and sigh. Seriously, thank God she’s here. I walk over, push myself up on the counter and sip on my coffee, eyeing Trace who’s now picked up one of the magazines Angie left. He’s still on the phone but talking very low. Shanda’s in the makeup chair, putting things away in a bag.

“What’s up?”

She sighs and throws a brush in her bag and then snaps it shut. I notice now that the clothing rack is emptied and there’s a small suitcase zipped up behind the chair. “I’m about to head on out ‘cause there onto the last shot for today. Tell Mere she can just keep the outfit she’s wearing, ‘cause she was flipping about it when I put it on her earlier. Also, make sure she knows to give me a call and leave me a message if she needs me again tomorrow. Hopefully, they might actually wrap it up this evening but I’m not sure.”

“Do you know how many more shots they got?”

She shrugs. “Like one or two.”

That’s great news. Right now I could think of nothing better than resting in bed. “Good, I’m getting tired.”

“You look it.” Well thanks. I hate when you say something like that, like ‘I don’t feel good’ or ‘I’m tired’ and someone agrees with you. It doesn’t really help your mood. She stands up, throws a purse over her shoulder and grabs the makeup bag in her hand. “Alright, see ya girl. Here, make sure she washes her face. Tell her I don’t care how tired she is. I don’t want her having zits I have to cover up. Give her this and she can do it on the ride home.” She hands me a small little bottle of some French brand cleaning wipes. I can’t even pronounce the name.

“Ok, thanks Shanda.”

“No prob.” She leans and picks up the handle to the suitcase and lets it roll behind her for a moment before stopping, turning, and saying, “Oh…” She smiles at me and whispers: “he was asking where you were earlier.”

“Who?” She widens her eyes for a moment and glances over to the couch. Shit. She smiles and laughs. “Later girl. See ya Tracie.”

I suck in a breath and push myself off the counter and sit in the now vacant chair. “Call me about Friday, girl.”

I look in the mirror at him and he’s staring at Shanda and making a lewd gesture with his tongue and his fingers at her. I knew he was just a stupid pervert little man. Ugh. Why did I even let him get near me? Why did I even invite him in?

“You perv.” She laughs and then the door smacks shut.

And I’m all alone. With him.

I try to play it off at first, but then I find myself staring at him through the mirror. He’s still reading some damned magazine, no longer on his phone. I find myself trying to do something. I look down at my nails and pick them, glance at my watch. I go over to that bag of food, but remember everything in there is Mere’s and she’ll probably be screaming for it when she comes back. I finish off my coffee, throw it in the trash can. I sigh, thinking he’ll notice me and say something.

But he doesn’t. He just looks really into the article he’s reading.

Asshole.

But the thing is. I can’t blame him for the way he’s acting. I know last night was my fault. I mean we both overreacted, but I started it. I was the one setting the mood. I know I was the one initiating the flirting. I know I was pretty much begging for it. But I got scared and, well I was too chicken to tell him that. I don’t want him seeing me that way. I don’t want him to know that I’m weak.

So I acted like a child and probably look weaker in his eyes now than I would have if I had been totally honest. Up until this point my actions with Trace have been pathetic and elementary. I know it’s been a while since I’ve had dealings with men, but I use to do it all the time. I’m not some scared, naïve little girl.

And it’s time for me to start acting like a grown up.

I swirl around from where I’ve been sitting in the chair, staring at him through the glass and slap my hands on my knees. “Can we talk…”

He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t jump, doesn’t even miss a beat, just flips a page of the magazine. “Sure, I’ve been doing it since I was one or two.”

That kind of pisses me off. “Let’s cut the jokes and the bull shit and figure this out.”

The magazine snaps closed angrily and gets flung onto the floor. He still doesn’t look at me, but crosses his arms over his chest and stares up at the ceiling, scowling. “Figure what out Courtney? You going psycho on my ass and kicking me out of your house over something insignificant? I think I can figure that out.”

“It…It wasn’t insignificant!” I run my hands through my hair and take it out of the pony tail holder. It feels good. It’s been like that for almost eighteen hours. I shake my hair out a bit and see that now he’s looking at me. Oh great, so if I just changed my hairstyle he would have noticed me before. I bite my tongue. Stop it Court, don’t pull out that attitude again. “Look, I admit it. I acted like a child last night. I was upset and confused and I took it all out on you and I’m really sorry about that.”

He sits up on the couch and stretches out his legs, arms still over his chest, but now he’s looking directly at me, and he’s not smiling. “You did act pretty fucking ridiculous. I mean, it was a fucking kiss, its not like I asked you to have my baby or something.” But then his face changes. He sighs, looks down at his lap and uncrosses his arms. “But I guess I kind of overreacted, too.”

I sigh and shake my head. “We shouldn’t have done that.”

“What? Kiss?” His face makes me want to smile. He suddenly looks like a lost puppy or a little boy who just heard he couldn’t play in that afternoon’s ball game. “Why not?”

I grin at him. “’Cause it made us both mad.”

“No, it made you mad and then that made me mad. I happened to thoroughly enjoy the kissing part.” He laughs, glances at me and then looks away and yawns. He’s such a horrible actor.

“Why did you kiss me anyway?”

He laughs again and this time stares straight at me. His eyes are dark, like deep chocolaty brown. He has a nice smile, too. A really nice one. And a good laugh. It’s deep and makes you want to smile with him. It’s not one of those annoying laughs that’s too breathy or high pitched. “I have no fucking idea.”

“Then what was going on in your head?”

He pats the space beside him on the couch and I just stare at him. I’m not sure it’s the best idea for us to be that close when we’re talking about sex. Well, ok we’re not talking about sex. We’re talking about kissing but… Shit. I take a breath. And he says, “Look, I’m not gonna do it again, so don’t worry about it.”

That’s not what I meant. Like, I didn’t mind kissing him. He was actually a really damn good kisser, very surprisingly. And I guess he’s kind of cute. He really does have a great personality and is hilarious, but I don’t know. I don’t like him, like him. I’m just attracted or something really weird. Maybe I’m going crazy.

He’s staring at me and I guess I have some weird look on my face so I stare back at him and say real slowly, “What...what if I want you to do it again? I cringe after I say it ‘cause honestly I didn’t expect that to come out of my mouth.

It starts out slow. At first he just stares at me and then he stands up, shakes his head and points a finger at me before throwing up his hands and saying, “Oh hell no, bitch! We’re not playing this shit.”

I sigh and cover half my face with my hand. I need some sleep. I really didn’t mean for him to get upset with me. I do not want to argue. I don’t have the energy. “I got freaked out last night.”

“Yeah, you did.” The next thing I know he’s standing right in front of me, arms once again crossed over his chest, scowl back on his face. “You went from moaning against me and clutching my shirt and putting your little wine tasting mouth all up on mine to pushing me away and calling me names and accusing me of taking advantage of you. That’s fucked up, Courtney.”

I sit up from where I’ve been slouching in the chair so I can defend myself. “I haven’t kissed a guy in like a year! And I’m not supposed to like you. You’re everything I despise and, and…”

He starts to smile. “So that means you do like me.”

I groan and slide back down in the chair so that I’m practically hanging out of it. I wish it were my bed. I wish I was back at home, all asleep with my pillow underneath my head. I really hope we don’t have to come back here tomorrow morning. “I don’t know.” He’s laughing at me and I realize that once again I’m acting immature. I begin to sit up but I end up moving so that I’m standing up and staring him in the face. “Ok, ya know, fuck this. I’ll just lay it out there. I don’t know if I like you or if this is just that kind of middle school attraction that you have to someone you despise.”

“Sexual tension.” He smiles and leans forward for a moment before rocking back on his heels. “Like I mentioned it at the restaurant in Miami and then tried to play it off, but you knew what I was talking about. Didn’t you?”

I grin. I’m still wearing Justin’s sweatshirt and I can tell now when Trace leaned into me that they wear the same cologne. They’re such dorks. But it makes me smile. “Yeah, yeah I know.”

My grin fades and I’m left with a bit of a shocked expression when he leans into me. Oh my god, is he gonna kiss me again? He can’t just kiss me again! He whispers, “So why don’t we just fuck and get it over with?”

I pull away. Of course, right when he’s about to win me over he has to say something stupid like that. He’s pathetic. “Are you serious?” I move around him and go plop on the couch. He’s nuts. Does he really think he can just throw that out there and I’ll be ok with it!?

“Oh come on! Why not?”

I stare at him. He’s laughing at me, actually fucking laughing at me. Now I cross my arms over my chest and pull my legs up underneath me Indian style. The truth comes out: he just wants me for sex. Well, I guess it’s something. “I’m not like that. I don’t know where you would get that impression.”

He shakes his head and smiles at me. “I’ve thrown out trying to get any impressions off you, girl. ‘Cause you surprise me every damn day with something new and unexpected.”

“I’m not into one night stands or meaningless sex.”

I shake my head and eye him carefully. He seemed genuine with his comment but at times I have a hard time figuring him out. I guess I am kind of a paradox. I’m down to business but I do like to have fun. Actually I haven’t had a lot of fun in a while. Before I got this job all the fun in my life had been sucked out of me. Now, now it’s starting to creep back and I’m glad. And I know I can be uptight and by the book, but in my free time I like to be spontaneous. Ok. So, I’m not that spontaneous, but I’m also not just some hermit, book worm who doesn’t want a life. I want a life.

I want a life badly. And I want friends and relationships. But not the kind he’s asking for. I’m…I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to be that intimate with him, with anyone.

Now it would feel good. Oh shit, would it feel good to have sex with him. Well, ya know, just in general. Not just with him. With anyone…

Fuck it. I admit it. I like him. I really do. I don’t know why I like him and I don’t know why I keep wanting to hide it. But I guess I, I like him. I’m not saying I would go to Vegas with him tomorrow, but ya know, he’s not that bad. And he’s kind of cute.

And, and he can kiss…really, really, really fucking well.

He sighs and plops down next to me on the couch. He’s too close to me but I don’t want to move away from him. He rolls his head to me and smiles, “But you will admit you need to get laid.”

I smack him in the arm. “Don’t make fun of me!”

Shit, I guess I’m more like Meredith than I realized.

He leans even closer to me and says, “Friends with benefits is never a bad thing, Court.”

I correct him. He might think he’s being sexy but I can’t afford to fall for that right now. We haven’t finished discussing all this. “Friends with benefits is always drama waiting to happen. We’re not having sex Trace. I’m being honest. I did want you to kiss me the other night. Half of me was craving it. The other half was terrified that I would actually like it.”

His eyes don’t blink and they look right at mine. “You liked it.”

I turn away from him. He’s getting to be a little too dangerous to look at. “I more than liked it and so I had to push you away. I can’t afford to have some crush. And I don’t even like you romantically so don’t think that. This tension or whatever it is between us, I just can’t have that fucking up my career. I’m getting to the point where I’m almost, loving this job. It’s getting to be what I thought PA life would be.”

He smiles and pulls back a bit. “Told ya Mere wasn’t bad.”

“She’s…” I laugh. He was right. He was right about almost everything in the beginning. Of course I got in some shit for what he advised me to do, but he was right nonetheless. Mere’s not bad at all. And I’ve been having a pretty good time getting to know her over the past few weeks. I haven’t seen much of her this week because I know she’s been hanging out with Justin a lot. But still. She’s, she’s pretty damn cool. Still has a lot of growing up to do but I know she’ll learn that as time goes on. “Ya know she’s actually great and kind of opening up a side of me that I lost a long time ago.”

I hear him take in a sharp breath and I look over at him and he’s staring at me like I’m a ghost. “What happened to you?”

“What?” Whoa, what happened to me? What happened to you? Complete 180. Is my nose bleeding or something?

“You weren’t like raped or beaten or something, were you?”

I actually laugh. I know I shouldn’t but I do, and my eyes widen and I can’t believe he just fucking asked me that. “Wow. You have no tact.”

He swallows noticeably. “You were?”

I laugh harder. “No!”

“Whew… Good, ‘cause I was scared there that I was getting involved with drama I don’t even want to touch!”

I smack him again. He’s impossible. “You’re so fucking rude! What if I had been like, hurt that way? You’d just walk away like,” I mock his deep voice. “‘Sorry bitch, can’t help you there?’”

He nods eagerly. “Pretty much. I’d probably just mess you up even more and say the wrong thing.”

I laugh some more and he starts smiling at me and laughing a little bit with me. It feels good. Maybe that flavored caffeine coffee thing is starting to work. I feel a little more awake and a little less run down. Or maybe, maybe it’s just getting along with him that puts me in a better mood.

I look at him and he’s shaking his head and yawning. It starts to get rather warm in the trailer so I pull off the sweatshirt and toss it over onto the chair and then straighten my button down shirt underneath. He stares at me the whole time and I just roll my eyes at him.

It’s quiet for a long while and that awkward silence starts to make my brain think about things that I’ve been wondering for a few weeks. After a while I finally say, “Will you tell me something honestly?”

“Of course.”

I take in a deep breath and close my eyes. I have to ask. I just have to and I know he’s gonna get upset because I’m bringing up a subject that made us fight one time. I can tell this is a bad topic for him, but if he’s been this blunt and honest with me so far I need to keep pushing. “I’m gonna sound like a bitch, but were you really engaged?”

It’s quiet for a moment and I open my eyes just to make sure he’s not about to slit my throat. He’s staring down at his hands, pursing his lips. His eyes get this glassy look, but he doesn’t move his gaze from his fingers. Then he nods. “Yeah. She broke up with me for her old boyfriend last fall. We had the place set and I had the honeymoon all booked and everything.” He lifts his head and smiles at me but I wouldn’t call it a happy smile. “And for your information, you’re just the second girl I’ve kissed since her. I hooked up with this random chick a couple months ago but, I think she just wanted Justin.”

“Do you get that a lot?”

He laughs again and once again it’s not very happy. It’s actually starting to depress me and I have to wonder if this jovial, crude, joking man is really actually pretty upset on the inside. “More than you know. I almost have to wonder sometimes if Elisha was just dating me because I was connected to Justin. He swears she never came onto him, but I don’t know. I just don’t know why she put up with me for so long if she didn’t really love me.”

“So it hurt…”

He interrupts me. “She broke my fucking heart. I wanted to marry her, Courtney. I swear I was never, ever the marrying type. I was the bachelor who wanted to have fun and fuck around for my life. And I met her and I was like, that’s it. Gotta marry her. Gotta settle down. I wanted to have kids with her and build a house and a life.”

He looks like he might cry and suddenly I realize how huge of a bitch I’ve been to him. How ridiculous I’ve been towards him, how impatient and judgmental. He says that he stopped having impressions on me because I shocked him. Well, he just shocked the hell out of me.

Who knew Trace Ayala had an emotional side? Who knew he actually cared?

“Shit.”

“I’m getting over it.” He sighs and shrugs.

It’s quiet for a long time. I think about him while he clears his throat and shifts in his seat, thinking how much pain and heart ache he’s been put through. How, now I realize we have a bit more in common than I thought. We’ve both been fucked over by people we were in love with. His phone rings at one point and he looks at the ID and then puts it back down, not answering it. I think about how I’ve treated him from the moment we met. How he treated me. How from that first fucking moment it was awkward and there was tension. It’s kind of weird actually. I’m not gonna say anything about fate, but it’s a weird situation all around.

I’m glad were now able to sit down and talk this all out in a civilized manner. “So what do we do about us?”

“I don’t know. I kind of feel like the ball is in your court, Court.” He smiles and his eyes brighten and he laughs. “Ha ha, get it…”

I roll my eyes. “That was really pathetic.”

He sticks his tongue out at me and puts his arm over the back of the couch behind my shoulders. “What would you wanna do?”

I take a breath and turn a little on the couch to face him. “Just, don’t push me, ok? And don’t think that I want to like get involved with you as far as dating, or in an actual relationship type thing. We’ve admitted that there’s some attraction and so I don’t know. I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want us just being pissed off all the time at each other.”

“What if we were just honest with each other?” He leans forwards and smiles and it makes me smile because well, the way he’s looking at me is like I’m the only girl in the world. It’s that look Justin gives to Meredith, that look I’ve been so jealous of. “If I wanna kiss you, I’ll tell you and vice versa. If you aren’t feeling it, then fine. I won’t be such an asshole all the time, either. But you gotta not be so quick to go into psycho bitch mode.”

I laugh and agree with him. “Ok. I think I can manage that.”

He bites his lip, scoots closer and leans in. I know whets about to come out of his mouth. It makes me anxious. But I kind of like it. “So right now, if I said I wanted to try last night over again, what would you say?”

I curl up my lip in a smile and narrow my eyes at him. “Are you trying to be sexy, Trace?”

“Is it working?”

He leans closer and I know I should lean back and not give into him. But I just stay stationary and watch as he gets closer to me. “No…”

He’s so close now. He laughs just a bit and whispers, “Yes it is.” And he kisses me. It’s soft and it’s slow and he reaches up his hands and holds my face with both of them and then moves them to my neck and then my shoulders and pulls me up against him, kissing me just a bit deeper.

And then he pulls away and I have to catch my breath. I don’t know if it’s just because he’s a good kisser or if it’s because it’s been so long for me, but I just stare at him and I try not to let myself feel anything deeper than I should. It was just a kiss, that’s it.

That’s…that’s it.

He smiles. “That wasn’t so bad.”

“No, no it wasn’t.”

He looks up for a moment at my hair and runs his hand over it. Wow. He’s, he’s actually being sweet. I expected horney Trace. I expected sexy Trace. But never did I expect sweet Trace. Not this. “Do you want to try it again or is that enough for one night?”

“No. I mean, I do but…” My entire body is taken over in a yawn and a stretch. I slouch back down and sigh and smile at him. “…I might fall asleep.”

He grins and leans back against the other side of the couch. He lets one leg hang off the couch and the other is bent and up against the back of the lumpy cushions. He pats his chest and moves the hat he had been wearing backwards over to the front to sort of shield his eyes. “Then lean over here, girl.”

I start to. I start to lean against him and I think about how great it’s going to feel to do that. I haven’t done that, I guess cuddling or whatever it’s called, in so fucking long. Just to lie against him and close my eyes and relax will feel like heaven. He doesn’t even have to hold me or say anything or do anything and I’ll be so fucking happy.

But I don’t get the chance. Before I’m able to move, the door opens fast, quietly and then shuts again in the same manner. Trace cranes his neck around and stares at what I’m staring at.

I can’t believe they don’t even realize we’re in here. Where else do they think we’d be? Maybe they just don’t give a shit.

Whoa, he just grabbed her ass. I really don’t think they know or either they really don’t care. She’s got him pushed up against the wall, her hands in his shirt, which for a little girl like Mere is pretty hilarious. They’re kissing like it’s the end of the world and oh my god, they’re moaning. Like sex moans. She’s unbuttoning his shirt and he’s pulling up the long shirt she was wearing to reveal the black leather hot pants below. He grabs her there again and pulls her flush against him. Now she’s taking off his shirt, forcing it down over his arms leaving him in just a tank top. I hope they weren’t making out for the world to see outside. Trace looks at me and puts a finger up to his lips.

But I can’t help it. I cover my mouth with my hand, but when Justin starts making these little groaning bear noises and Meredith starts to laugh and says something like ‘does the big boy wanna come play,’ I bust out laughing. I literally curl up on the couch and bury my face into the cushion and laugh my eyes out. And I really don’t know why. I guess they were being pretty stupid and ridiculous all into each other, but I guess in another way I’m just so happy that Trace and I have come to a point where we understand each other.

Trace yells, “Damn, get a room!” And I look up to see two famous pop stars staring back at us. Mere’s hair is completely a ruined mess and the lower part of Justin’s face looks like a two year old who tried on their mother’s lipstick.

She pulls away and Justin stays close behind her with a bit of an embarrassed look on his face. She puts her hands on her hips. “What were you guys doing, just watching us!”

“Court, hide the camera.”

I laugh and after a moment Justin snatches up his shirt off the floor and comes over by us. He flips Trace off. “Smart ass, get our shit together. We’re going home.”

“Thank God.” He groans and pushes himself up off the couch.

Mere goes over to her little bag that’s there in the corner and pulls out her phone and looks at it and then throws it back in the bag. She stands up and says, “I know! Let’s all go over to Justin’s and have a sleep over.”

“I love how you just invite yourself over. I might have plans, chick.” He shakes his head at her and I just sit there, thankful that this day is over. Trace is already gathering all his stuff that he had sprawled out in the trailer. They had kind of made camp here in Mere’s trailer. Justin still had his own and I know there was some of his clothes over there they still had to get, but they spent most of their time here.

I watch as she walks over to him and puts a hand back on her hip again, poking him in the chest. “What kind of plans?”

“Might have a hot date.” He shrugs, clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and then flashes out his hand and grabs her side making her squeal. She smacks at his hand and he laughs. “Get cha stuff and let’s go, babe.”

She smiles at me and waves at me to come on. “Come on Court, I’m sure they-“

“You go on,” I say. “I need to get back to my place.”

“Oh come on, Justin’s house is closer…” She whines.

Suddenly there’s a presence close to me and Trace is sitting right by me, zipping up his book bag. “Yeah, it’ll be fun.”

“Nah, go on…” I smile at Mere and she pouts. “And if you need a ride back tomorrow morning give me a call.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, here…” I get up off the couch because I know that the longer I sit by him the more I’ll want to go with them, and I’m not sure what would happen with Trace and I if I slept over at Justin’s. I know he lives there and I know he’d offer his bed. And I just, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I go to the counter where I had my stuff and hand her the bag and the little French container. “Shanda said to wash your face with this and here’s your snacks.”

“Aww, you’re the best.” I’m suddenly being hugged around the neck and a bright smile is staring me in the face. “I’ll call you tomorrow, ok? Be careful driving.” The smile fades and that pout comes out again. “You sure you don’t wanna come back? We can have a drink or go swimming or watch a movie.”

I laugh. “Yes, I’m sure!” I shake my head, turn her around and push her towards Justin. “Would you go and have fun and be safe and stop worrying about me?” Honestly, I’d actually like to go and have friends and a life and socialize and have fun. But right now I don’t trust myself with him.

She looks back over her shoulder for a moment and smiles before hopping up on Justin’s back and whining ‘carrying me.’ He makes some smart ass crack about him being an old man and her weighing a ton. She smacks his shoulder and slides off him. Trace eyes me carefully as they start to file out and I haven’t even really started to get any of my shit together. I know he wants me to stay with him and well, I guess a big part of me wants to, too.

But just, I can’t. Not yet.

Tonight was a big step for me and I hope he knows that and I hope he understands it. And I hope he doesn’t push me further than I’m willing to go.