By nine, Rachel was exhausted and ready for bed. She'd actually been ready for bed at seven, but held out. When nine rolled around she was being nudged by JC. Out of habit she went in to her room when she got upstairs. Everything was how she left it. Her outfit for her birthday party was still thrown over her bed. A drop waist dress with black lace and a champagne underlay complete with black fringe covering the bodice and the skirt. She'd been in the middle of digging out the accessories she needed when the yelling had become too much for her to ignore. She had only found the hose, the costume jewelry pearls, and the black stiletto heels. The over-the-elbow gloves were still missing. The headband, complete with a feather, was missing as well.

Rachel fingered the fringe on her costume and sighed before picking it off the bed.

"You would have looked amazing."

Rachel whirled around. The movement caused the fringe to fly. JC was leaning against the door jam. His fingers were tucked in the pocket of his jeans. He was slightly hunched and Rachel knew he was hurting. She sent him a small smile before looking at the dress in her hand. "It would have been a great party. Before..."

JC pushed off the door jam and entered her room. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and drew her to him. He pressed a kiss into her hair. "We can have a belated Bass birthday party."

Rachel shook her head and leaned in to him. "I'm really not in the mood to celebrate my birthday."

"Ever?" He frowned when Rachel shrugged. "Come on, don't do this to me," he pleaded.

"It's not your fault."

JC dropped his arm from her shoulders and cupped her face, forcing her to look at him. "It's not yours either." He said firmly.

"But I-"

"Not. Your. Fault." JC repeated, emphasizing each word. When she nodded, he pulled her into a hug. He was able to hide the grimace when she bumped into the incision where his chest tube had been.

"If I had just said something..."

"If Matt hadn't slept with Addison none of this would have happened."

Rachel laid her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beating in her ear. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound.

"Please don't do this to yourself." JC whispered, rubbing a hand up and down her back. "You're killing me when you do this. It's not your fault. Okay?  Me getting shot was not your fault. I told you. I'd do it all over again if it meant saving you. Even if the outcome is different. I'm gonna do everything I can to protect you. I love you."

Rachel eyes filled with tears and she tightened her arms around his waist. She brought her hands up and pressed them into his back. She released a shuddering breath. Lifting her head, she met his gaze made blurry by her tears. "I don't want you to die for me."

"I know," JC lifted his hands to her face so he could brush her tears away with his thumbs. "If I can save you, I'm gonna do it every single time. Without regard to what it means for me. I told you. I love you."

"There was so much blood..." Rachel whispered dropping her gaze. "I couldn't stop it, no matter what I did. I knew you were going to die right there. Right there in front of me."

"Rachel..." JC pleaded, but she kept talking.

"When Addison pointed the gun at me again, I wanted her to shoot me. I didn't think you were going to make it. I was begging you to stay - begging you not to leave me. You're telling me you loved me... I just knew... I just knew that was it. You were going to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it."

JC hadn't been prepared for the pain the conversation caused. When he climbed the stairs and found Rachel in her bedroom, he had thoughts of pulling her to his. Of shutting the door and kissing her like he wanted to all day long, without the catcalls and whistles and knowing grins from their friends and family. He had wanted to strip down and crawl in to bed and pull her to his side in a tangle of limbs. The way they hadn't been able to lay together in a hospital bed.

His memories of the day he was shot were fuzzy. Even the moments leading up to the shooting. The doctor explained it was because of the traumatic event. He hadn't been concerned with recovering those particular memories. He figured it was best they stay lost inside his head. He hadn't thought about what the other people were going through. Rachel. Jimmy. Even Matt. They were all witnesses to him getting shot. To him laying on the floor bleeding.

"Surgery took so long. Sitting in the waiting room, just waiting." Rachel continued. "I kept telling myself the longer it took the better. That meant you were still alive, still fighting. All I could think about was what would happen if you died. What was I going to do?"

"You would have continued living." Even as he said the words, they sounded weak. If the roles had been reversed and he was the one waiting to see if Rachel made it out of surgery, he would have been doing the same. What would he do if Rachel wasn't part of his life? There would have been a huge hole in his heart; a huge void in his life where she resided.

"You're such a huge part of my life." She raised her head to look at him, shocked to see the tear tracks on his cheeks. "Our lives are intertwined. It's like tossing a teaspoon of salt into a teaspoon of sugar. Impossible to separate. And the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I wasted what could have been our final moments a thousand miles away not talking to you. That could have been how it ended. Me angry over something you didn't even do. How could I live with myself after that?"

"None of this happened. Don't play the shoulda coulda woulda game, okay?" JC tilted her head up until she met his eyes again. "I should have taken the first flight to Mississippi when I found out that's where you were. I could have told you how I felt on that ski trip in 2006. I should have told you how I felt then. I could have told you how I felt so many times over the years. But I didn't. You could have told me how you felt in Miami. You should have told me about the voicemail but Rachel, even if you did. This still could have happened. Addison still could have tried to shoot you. You don't know."

"I'm sorry about how I reacted over the voicemail."

"I know you are. And I'm sorry for not chasing after you and finding out what was wrong." JC sent her a small smile. "You run next time, I'm on the next plane chasing you to Mississippi." His smile grew when Rachel laughed. "And if you ever try to quit over an e-mail again..."

"Try? I did quit."

JC shook his head. "I never accepted it." He laughed seeing Rachel's bewildered look. "Just wait until your next performance review." He frowned when Rachel's face transformed into a grin that reminded him of the look the Grinch gave when he had the idea to steal Christmas in Whoville. Not that he would ever tell her that particular comparison out loud. He liked what was left of his body parts exactly where they were.

"I don't think that performance review is going to be bad." Rachel said, the grin still firmly in place.

"Oh yeah? How do you figure?"

"Yeah," Rachel leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. She grinned against his lips feeling him trying to deepen the kiss. "Definitely not bad," she whispered and captured his lips.

*~*

"I smell coffee." Rachel mumbled as she buried her face in the pillow clutching it tight.

"You know my parents can't start the day without it."

"What time izzit?"

JC turned his head to look at the clock on the bedside table. "Quarter ‘til eight." He grinned when Rachel groaned again. He rolled over onto his left side sliding his hand beneath his pillow. He was still tender and felt the twinge of pain. He'd be glad when every movement didn't hurt.

"I planned on sleeping later than this," Rachel turned her head. She met his eyes and smiled. There had been some nerves last night on her part. The impromptu welcome home party had thwarted JC goal of moving her into his room. In the end, she had only gathered pajamas, her toothbrush, facewash, and a hairbrush. She hadn't realized how long she had taken in the bathroom until JC had knocked on the door asking if she was okay. The nerves had dissipated when she crawled beneath the covers and scooted close to him; her head on his chest, her arm across his middle. Sleep had come almost immediately. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. I think I'm gonna take a shower. Be nice to shower again."

"Not a fan of sponge baths?" Rachel teased. She palmed his cheek and ran a thumb across the dark stubble on his cheek. JC hadn't shaved since she had done it for him. "Maybe find your face again?"

"Maybe I'm waiting on you to do it for me." JC smiled seeing the surprised look on her face. "Dad told me."

"I missed your face."

JC covered her hand with his and brought hers to his mouth where he pressed a kiss to her fingers. He had been confused when he felt the stubble on his cheek and asked his parents if there was some medical reasoning it had been shaved. He'd been shocked to learn that Rachel had shaven him. His father had relayed the story of him walking Rachel through the process and how she'd been nervous at her first; her hand shaking. Roy had told JC had she had settled and grew more confident with each stroke. It made him wonder how it would feel if he had been awake.

He leaned up on his elbow. The movement reminded him of the tender areas on his chest, but it didn't draw pain. Reaching out, he brushed a strand of hair from Rachel's cheek and tucked it behind her ear. He watched as she turned on her back as she shifted closer to him. He smiled and leaned down to kiss her.

"You are not cleared to go any further than this," Rachel mumbled against his lips when she felt his hand at her hip.

"I finally have you in my bed and I can't do anything about it," JC laid back on the bed and gave a dramatic sigh.

Rachel laughed and moved closer to him, leaning up on her elbow. "Maybe I should stay in my room until then. If the temptation is too much..."

"No," JC shook his head. He turned his body toward her and drew her into his arms. "Now that you're here you're not leaving."

"Trust me," Rachel said as she snuggled closer. "I'm not going anywhere."

They laid wrapped up in each others arms well into the nine o'clock hour. Neither wanted to extract themselves from the tangle of limbs. They talked softly. Dozed off and on. Rachel used the time to bask at the fact that JC was still there. She could feel his arms wrapped around her, his fingers moving lightly over her skin. Feel his chest rising and falling with each breath he took. Hear his heart beat in her ear. She had come so close to losing everything. In a split second, he could have been gone from her life.

Pain rippled through her as she thought about JC sized-hole in her life if he had died. The pain was sharp and it went deep. It was unbearable to think about. JC had told her she would have continued living. She would have, she couldn't dispute it but her quality of life would have been severely diminished. While she would be trying work through the darkest days of her life, there would be press. Family. Friends. Fans. Lawyers. Everyone would mean well. Didn't mean she wanted to deal with them. Not when half of her was gone. People could say they understand, but she was certain they didn't. She was certain they didn't know how much JC meant to her. They wouldn't know how she would be completely devastated without him. How she wouldn't even be certain she wanted to continue living without him. She didn't even know how. It would like starting over. Starting back over from the beginning. She would have to go through the rest of her life without JC by her side. There would be no sending him a text with a funny story that happened to her while she out. She wouldn't be able to pick up the phone and call him. She wouldn't be able to seek his advice. There would be no more road trips up the Pacific Coast Highway in his convertible with the top down. No more random trips to DisneyLand. No more blasting NSYNC songs to get on his nerves. It would be figuring out how to live again.

Rachel thought about what it would be like if JC hadn't pushed her out of the way; if Addison would have shot her like she had intended. If she had died. The effect her death would have on people. Her death wouldn't bring the press. Not like JC's would. The press would comment because she was Lance's sister. It would bring more press because it happened in JC's house in an apparent love triangle. The events would feed gossip rags for months. She had no will. All her things would go to her parents. Her heart hurt thinking of her mother sorting through her bedroom, deciding what to keep and what to donate. She wondered if JC would keep anything. If she had anything that he'd treasure because it would remind him of her.

The line of thinking made her wonder if JC had a will. It wasn't a topic they had discussed before. She assumed he had one. Unlike her, he had a lot of money in the bank, property, investments, royalties. The only thing in her name was her car and a modest bank account. JC's death would mean lawyers and court filings. She wondered what would happen to his things. Like her, she assumed everything would go to his parents. Neither one of them had a spouse or kids. Would she be allowed to keep anything? What would she keep? Could she choose without deciding to keep it all? Could she choose to stay in the house with everything exactly as he left it? His clothes in the closet. Spare change on his dresser top. Half used bottles in his shower. Could she keep it all the same? Would it make her feel closer to him as she wondered the rooms of the house they had once shared? Would she even be allowed to stay in the house? What would happen to the house if he died? Would it be sold? His parents didn't want to live in California. There would be a need for them to keep the house. Never mind that it was her home and had been for a decade. She would have to move. Where would she move?

"What are you thinking about?" JC asked. He could feel her tense in his arms, no longer relaxed as she had been. One of her hands had tightened its grip in his shirt.

Rachel shook her head, trying to banish the thoughts from her mind. None of that mattered anymore. She didn't die. JC didn't die. He survived. He was going to be okay. She wouldn't have to figure out how to live without him. "It's not important."

"Don't do that." JC said sternly. "Don't hide what you're thinking from me. You never have before, don't start now."

Rachel gave an aborted laugh. "JC, I've been in love with you since 2004. Safe to say I've hid plenty of thoughts from you."

JC laughed softly. He couldn't dispute that. "Okay fine. Feelings aside, you've always told me what you're thinking. Even if you know I'm not going to like it."

"It's not important."

"Rachel..."

"It's just a bunch of ‘what ifs'. If you would have died or if I would have died. You didn't and I didn't. So it doesn't matter anymore."

JC tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss into her hair. "We're gonna get through this, you know?"

"I know." Rachel nuzzled her head against his chest. "It's just too close to thinking you might die. Time right."

"Time. And talking."

Rachel made a face and shifted away from JC. She laid her head on the pillow next to him and curled her arm beneath it. His head rest on the same pillow. His eyes were open, watching. She tucked the bed covers in her arm pit. She stilled her fidgeting when his hand reached out and grasped hers. Their entwined hands lay on the bed between their bodies. "I was just thinking about continuing living if you had died. How everything would be different."

"I didn't mean to sound so flippant when I said that. Trust me, if you had died, I wouldn't have been able to pick up and just move on. You said it yesterday, trying to separate us is like trying to separate salt and sugar."

"Thinking about all the stuff we do together that I wouldn't be able to do anymore. How I wouldn't be able to call you if I needed you. The stories I couldn't tell anymore because you wouldn't be there to break in and finish telling it when I ultimately left something out. Or the ones where only you would get because there were the kind of ‘guess you had to be there' story. Never being able to finish a crossword puzzle. You know I picked up a crossword puzzle book at the airport on my way to Mississippi."

JC was used to Rachel segueing into random stories in the middle of a story. It was just another quirk he loved about her. He'd been in attendance to many times where she'd begin a story and end up in a completely different topic without ever finishing the original story. By the time he'd call her on it, she couldn't even remember what she'd been talking about until he would start telling her.

"I went through all the clues and barely made a dent in the puzzle," Rachel continued. "Then I remembered it was something we'd always do in airports. It was my crossword book, but you'd end up doing most of the puzzles because I never knew any of the answers. I was basically your secretary taking dictation." She watched his eyes crinkle as he smiled.

"Well you do have better handwriting between the two of us."

"I wondered what I would do. Where I would live..."

"Where you would live?" JC interrupted. "Why would you wonder about that? You would live here. It's your house."

"Technically it's your house. And if you died it would be part of your estate."

"So?"

"JC, I know you're not this obtuse. You know about death, estates, next of kin... all that jazz."

JC leaned up on his elbow. "Of course. I'm just wondering why you think you wouldn't be a part of ‘all that jazz'."

"Because everything would be passed to your next of kin. Your parents. I highly doubt they want a house in California."

"If I don't have a will it would go to next of kin, but I have a will."

"You do?" Rachel asked surprised. She hadn't known.

"Of course. I had one after the money started coming in with the group. My parents made me get one." JC explained. "Of course everything was going to them anyway. Over the years I've changed it...updated it."

"I didn't know..."

JC thought about the last time he updated his will and all other documents pertaining to his estate in the event of his passing. He had been fresh off his off his break up with Kathryn. Emotions had been swirling around him during that time. Mostly anger when he realized she might have loved him but she was in love with the money and lifestyle he could give her more. She hadn't been on any of the paperwork but something spurred him to update it. Rachel had always been in his will since he realized his feelings for her. From that moment he wanted to make sure she was taken care of if he was gone. A few years ago he had even written a letter to her. It was in a sealed envelope with his lawyer to be delivered after his death. In it, he confessed all of his feelings. The letter spanned four pages. He wanted to make sure he said all he needed to say.

"I left everything to you."

"Me?" Rachel squeaked, her eyes widening. "Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because I love you."