"If there was a TV in here, I'd put on one of your crappy movies like Star Wars," Rachel told JC. She sat in a chair next to his bed, on the left side. This way, she didn't have to deal with the IV wire or the pulse ox.  She could hold his hand without worry, like she was doing now. Her left hand laid palm up beneath his hand. His fingers rested lightly on her wrist. She kept hoping for movement, but so far there had been nothing. "You can tell me all about the Klingons and the Romulans... That would have set you off on a tangent," she smiled, as she gave a short soft laugh. "I can picture the eye roll you'd give me and hear the exasperation in your voice as you once again explain to me the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. I already know the difference. Star Wars is a crappy movie series and Star Trek has that hottie Chris Pine in their movies." The smile on her face was sad. The comment would have caused JC to launch into another explanation that she wouldn't listen to.

"Maybe for my birthday party next year, we make it Star Wars theme. It will be like a pre-release party for the new movie that comes out in December. Everyone will be in the best Star Wars costume and I'll show up as Picard wearing a red and black Enterprise body suit with a bald wig." She giggled imagining the outcry of her friends in attendance. "I can see the look on your face. It's so much fun to mess with you. Your dad thinks I should just say all the things I say that rile you up. One of them just might be able to wake you up because you'll just have to argue your side."

She sighed and tightened her thumb around his with the hold she had on his hand. "I wish that would work. I'd press all your buttons to see which one works. I wish it was that easy. It's scary seeing you like this. All these machines in here. All the tubes and wires hooked up to you. I know you need them all. It's all keeping you alive. But it looks like you're standing on the welcome mat at Death's door. I don't like this. You could actually die. And I'm not talking about you laying on the couch moaning in man pain because you have a cold and you think you're dying. I could actually lose you."

She sniffled as tears welled in her eyes. "Every time I think I have no more tears left, I surprise myself." She used her right hand to wipe her cheeks. "I thought by the time I got to the hospital it would be too late. That you would be gone. I thought for sure... There was just so much blood... As Matt drove us here, all I could think was you were gone and what was I going to do? You're such a big part of my life, you know? All of my greatest memories include you."

"You remember for my 23rd birthday in 2002 you took me to my first Broadway show? Mamma Mia. I had such a blast. God I loved that show so much. I must have played ABBA all summer that year. I wore out the CD, I played it so much. You know what's crazy? I still have the playbill. You've taken me too many Broadway musicals over the years, but I still have the Mamma Mia playbill twelve years later.

"How about the year I had that crazy idea to drive back to California from my parents? I talked you in to flying to Mississippi and then we'd rent a car and drive back. It was like a 24 hour trip or something. Something just stupid." Rachel laughed at the memories. "Didn't need a GPS. Just jump on the 20 and head west. It started out well enough. Until I started driving," she chuckled again. "I somehow got us turned around in El Paso. I didn't even know I was heading north instead of west. You were sleeping in the passenger seat and when you woke up and saw we were almost to Albuquerque you about went through the roof. You didn't talk to me for like 300 miles." She giggled as another memory popped up. "You put a compass in my stocking for Christmas that year."

"I was able to talk you in to visiting The Grand Canyon. After all, we were only an hour away. You still weren't talking to me. I didn't even think you were listening. You just kept turning the radio up. You didn't say anything, just kept driving in silence, but you made the turn north. You tried to pretend you were mad at me, but I knew you weren't. We spent most of the day sightseeing. We even hiked a little down into the Canyon. I thought I was gonna die on the walk back up. Then you got hit on by that one woman..." Rachel started laughing. She brushed her thumb back and forth over the back of his. "Oh man you were so embarrassed. You kept looking at me across the store, pleading with me to do something. I couldn't stop laughing. I've never laughed so hard in my life. She had to be twice your age. You finally were able to get away from her. I bought a cute little cougar pin to commemorate the occasion. I think I laughed all the way back to I-40."

"Remember the vacation we took with Tyler, Chris... oh gosh, I don't even remember who was all on that trip. It was a bunch of us. I had never skied before. I tried to get out of the trip, but you wouldn't let me. Said I had to come. I finally relented, thinking I'd just stay in the lodge the whole time. Maybe meet a cute ski instructor or some cute guy to get cozy by the fire. Something right off the Hallmark channel. Of course you pulled me right to the slopes. My ass spent so much time in the snow I'm surprised it didn't get frost bite. I couldn't balance to save my life. I was getting so angry. Everyone else could ski and here I was unable to stand on those damn sticks. I felt like I was ruining everyone's vacation. The third day we were there, I had been practicing all morning and still wasn't getting the hang of it. I snapped at you and nearly took your head off when I threw one of my poles. I went to stomp off but I still had the skis on my feet. My feet got all tangled and down I went. Man I wanted to lay there and cry."

"I was so mad at you for making me go on that trip. Mad at myself for not being able to just do it. So damn embarrassed. I yanked the skis off my feet and left them laying there and went back to the room. The tantrum I threw would have made any toddler proud. You came back to the room an hour or so later, carrying all my gear and your gear. You didn't say anything. I thought for sure you were gonna lay in to me. You put the skis up and disappeared in to your room. You came out and told me to get changed. We had lunch in town at a small little café with the best food. My God... I think I can still taste it. Afterward we walked the streets window shopping, ducking in to a few. We came across an ice rink right in the middle of this town.

"Man it was so beautiful. I kept thinking how it would look at Christmas time. The whole town at Christmas time." Rachel shifted in the seat, leaning her elbow up on the bed. "I bet it would look magical. We decided to ice skate. I don't know why. I couldn't stand up on skis. How could I stand up on skates? We rented skates. You got yours on first. You went out on the ice," she started laughed. "You went down. I nearly peed myself laughing so hard. The look on your face as you laid there on the ice. You were shocked. We skated around and around. I had my arm tucked through yours, holding on. I was so afraid to let go. I figured I'd fall. The ice isn't as forgiving as snow. I turned out to be a pretty good at ice skating. By the time we left a week later, I wasn't that bad of a skier."

"It hasn't always been fun and laughter with us." She switched hands. This time she laid her right hand over his hand and curled her fingers around his hand toward his palm again. She held it tightly. "There was that time when we were in Miami. We went out and ended up at that one club, LIV. It was so crowded that night. I thought I was safe you know? Lonnie was with us. Somehow someone was able to slip something in my drink. I was so scared. Even now it's still all fuzzy. I remember starting to freak out not knowing what was wrong. Then Lonnie was there. Then you were there.

"The night is a blank. I don't remember anything after that. I don't even remember leaving the club and going to the hospital. I remember waking up in our hotel room the next afternoon. You were sitting cross legged on the bed, elbows on either knee, hands clasped together, chin resting on them. Just staring at me. The look on your face...scared me half to death. Finding out what happened scared me even more. We were supposed to fly back to California that day, but you changed our flight to leave the following day instead. I spent the day laying in bed basically nursing a hangover. You stayed right there next to me."

"We've been through a lot together," Rachel said as she stared at JC, lying so still in the bed. "The stories we could tell... the stories that I need to tell...Every guy I dated never worked out because he wasn't you. I would go in to dates and relationships comparing them all to you. They always fell short. Melissa would set me up on those blind dates with her customers. I'd meet them an immediately think ‘His eyes aren't as blue as yours' or ‘His hair is too light' or ‘His eyes don't crinkle when he smiles.' I've been on a lot of dates, C and let me tell you none of them ever came close to you."

"It wasn't fair to them I suppose. They weren't even on a level playing field when they started. They had to play catch up. I probably missed out on some good guys. I just couldn't get you out of my head. You had the bar raised so high for me, no one would have been able to reach it. No one even came close." She shifted in the seat and leaned her forearms on the bed. Her hand still rested on top of his and she ran her thumb back and forth. "I suppose it wasn't fair to me either. I set myself up for failure each and every time knowing they weren't going to measure up. Knowing that it was you who I wanted. Knowing that I couldn't have you."

"I kept trying to prepare myself for the day when you'd tell me you were going to propose. I thought for sure it was gonna be Kathryn. As every holiday would near or every vacation you guys took, I was just waiting for the news. I tried to steel myself...prepare. I started spending more time at Melissa's. I'd sleep over at Lance's. I wouldn't go on vacations with you guys or our friends if I could get out of them. Went to Mississippi a lot. I started looking for a place to live. I could never afford a house. I knew I'd have to find a roommate, but I couldn't really come out and ask people. It would get back to you that I was thinking about moving out and you'd try to talk me out of it. You'd succeed too. It wouldn't take much. It wouldn't work though. I knew the more serious your relationship with Kathryn became, the more I needed to move out. Too many hands in the pot so to speak."

"Then you broke up. I tried to warn her. I tried to tell her not to rush you." She chuckled softly. "You'd propose when you're good and ready and not a moment sooner. She wouldn't listen and there was nothing I could do but watch it happen. Then I was there for the post break up angry phase. God I hate that stage. It hurts me so much because I know what a great person you are. I know any woman would be happy to even have fraction of your attention focused on them. Kathryn, Jennifer, Eva... they didn't know what they had. What they lost. There were many times I wanted to shout, ‘look at me!' I was right in front of you, but you never even saw me."

"Then Addison showed up. She was so blatant as she flirted with you. I didn't want to be around her. I knew she didn't like me. Oh she played nice, but I knew. I knew it was only a matter of time before you started dating. How could you not? She was Eva and Kathryn's twin. I'm the exact opposite of them. Your tastes couldn't be further away from me. Me with the blond hair and the pale skin and the crazy weird green-yellow eyes."

"I never thought I'd find myself here," Rachel whispered. "This wasn't how I pictured us going out. I figured I'd end up killing you for scaring me and causing me to ruin another picture. You were right though. I finished Lance's gift and I still didn't give it to him on time. I feel so stupid. All this time wasted... you said you love me. Did you really mean it the way I want it to mean? If so, God why didn't you say something? Why didn't I say something? I've loved you for so long... you were... are... precious to me. The relationship we have. The friendship. You truly are my best friend. You know me better than anyone else on this Earth including Lance. I filled out all those hospital forms without even thinking. I knew all the answer: social security number, allergies, hospitalizations, medical issues.... Never had to stop and think. I can't even fill out my own paperwork without having to pull up my calendar to look."

"It angers me to think of all the time we wasted. We could have been together years ago. We could have been married. Had a houseful of kids. Everyone told me to tell you how I felt: my parents, Lance, your parents... I was just so scared. What if you didn't feel the same way? How would me telling you ‘I loved you' affect our relationship? Would we be able to keep our relationship in tact? What if we lost it? Whenever I picture anything happening in my life, you are right there with me. My one constant."

"Maybe I need to work on why my brain immediately goes to the negative. The worst case. Thinking about telling you that I love you and I think of you telling me you don't feel the same. Hear a voicemail saying you don't like me and I don't even question it, just assume it's correct. That makes me a pretty shitty friend doesn't it? Over 15 years of friendship and I just assumed the worst instead of trusting you. It just played in the one fear that I have. It hurt so much to hear you say that. I couldn't even hear your voice. I couldn't listen to your messages. I kept my phone off so I wouldn't even see your name. If I ignored everything it would go away. And now here we are... you laying here in a hospital bed. You're hooked up to all these machines. You've lost pieces and parts. You're being held together with thread and glue. I would trade places with you in a heart beat. You took a bullet meant for me."

Tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "I want to hate you for that. A part of me does. You took a bullet for me and you almost died. You could still die. You made me watch you get shot. My hands were covered in your blood. You're making me sit here and relive everything we've been through. Every moment - good or bad. Sitting here thinking about every shoulda, coulda, woulda. Thinking about every opportunity I had to tell you my feelings and I let the moment pass. If feels like a knife in my chest."

"I just want you to wake up," Rachel's voice cracked and she laid her head down on the bed, clutching his hand. "I want you to wake up and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Even if you don't feel the same way I do. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is you being okay. That's what I want most. I need you to be okay, JC. I can't do this without you."

*~*

"How are you doing?" Renee asked her husband as she sat down on the couch next to him. He'd be quiet for a couple days, but she expected that. After what happened at JC's... she was still in shock from when Matt told her what happened. She had nightmares of Matt being shot instead of JC. "How's JC doing?"

"Still the same," Matt took Renee's hand in his, holding it tightly. "I talked to Lance a couple hours ago."

"And there's been no change?"

"The doctors say that's good. He's hanging on. He's not getting worse."

"I can't imagine..." Renee shook her head and leaned into Matt's side. "And Rachel... how's she doing?"

"Not good. She won't leave his side." That was the part of the phone call that hurt the worst when Lance told him about Rachel. She wasn't answering her phone either. Lance explained not to take it personally. She wasn't answering any calls. She just sat next to JC, talking to him.

"That's not good. She needs a break. Lance needs to get her out of the hospital. Get her home where she can get something to eat that's not hospital food. Plus get some sleep. She's gotta be worn out...running on fumes. Maybe we should gather a few of her friends and go to the hospital and make her come with us."

"That might be a good idea." Matt kissed the top of her head and squeezed her hand.

"I can't believe this happened. It's scary to think about. Sometimes I start crying because I think how close it was to being you. I hate that it happened to JC and I hate myself so much for being so damn thankful that it wasn't you. It could have very well been you who was shot. You would be laying in that hospital right now. I would be in Rachel's position."

"Hey," Matt shifted and wrapped his arms around Renee as she started to cry. "Shhh," he hushed her. He held her tightly. Her cries broke his heart.

"And that fight they had..." Renee sniffed as she wiped her tears. "For Rachel to just up and leave without even telling JC what was wrong. It had to be huge. She must be feeling so guilty. There is a good possibility that JC won't make it out of the hospital. If he dies and Rachel spent the last two weeks not talking to him..." she shook her head. "I don't know if there is anyone that can stop her from spiraling out of control. If we had a huge fight and something happened and I didn't get the chance to at least tell you I loved you...I would lose my mind Matt. You know I love you but if I didn't get the chance to tell you, to make sure you knew, and I lost you...And Rachel... JC doesn't even know her feelings for him, does he?"

Matt shook his head, his heart heavy. "No. He doesn't know."

"That's enough to make a sane person go crazy. Going through life thinking you have all this time and then it's gone in a blink of an eye."

"Renee?"

"Yeah?"

"There's something I need to tell you."