He went down to the kitchen and saw that his mother must have gotten sandwich fixings. He made one and chomped it down in a few bites. It was good and he wanted more but he was afraid he’d get sick once all of his emotions came rushing back. He grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sucked it down, finally realizing how long it had been since he ate or drank something. As he climbed the stairs, he let his feet walk the familiar path to Mollie’s room. The door was open a crack and he slipped in, undetected.
He was glad to see Mollie sleep, she’d been fighting it for the whole day. The medicine they’d given her, which he was sure Johanna made her take, must have knocked her out. Her face looked relaxed but her mouth curved into a frown. He couldn’t begin to imagine how she felt. They weren’t expecting to have a baby but the two were certainly excited that it was going to happen. To lose that so quickly and suddenly was the worst thing he’d ever experienced. It was excruciating for him and he wasn’t the one carrying the baby. JC wished she would let him in. He wanted to go through this together but she kept pushing him away at every turn. He sat there until the sun started to peek through the sky, just watching her breathe. He felt grateful with every rise and fall of her chest that she was here and she was in his life.
He snuck away before she woke and got another hour or two of sleep. When he woke, he milled around the house, trying to talk to Mollie but being told to stay out. This routine carried on for a week as his mother cooked and tried to help the best way she knew how. One day, Mollie let her in to talk but nobody shared what they talked about. Eventually his parents had to leave and when they did, the house seemed less alive. Johanna and Justin kept themselves occupied, trying to encourage JC as he looked up at Mollie’s door every few seconds. After Justin and Johanna retreated to bed on the ninth night since the incident, JC sat in the den, feet up on the coffee table scribbling in his trusted lyric notebook. He always found it helpful to write in situations like these, it helped him sort out his feelings.
“Hey,” a small voice said through the darkness.
JC’s head snapped up and he saw Mollie in the doorframe. Seeing her now, he thought she looked completely different. Smaller, almost, but just as beautiful as always. She was in a t-shirt she’d stolen from him when he left on the second half of the tour. He remembered that day with a smile.
“Baby, I’m trying to pack,” he said, as she hugged him from behind. Her small fingers tracing his abs and her cheek pressed to his back.
“I know, but I’m gonna miss you. We haven’t been apart much.”
“I know,” he said, continuing to fold and zip up his suitcase. “But I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Mmm.” She let her hands slide down to the hem of his shirt and she pulled until she got it over his head.
“Baby, I’ve gotta go, we can’t…”
“No, I didn’t mean that…I just want to keep a piece of you with me. It smells like you,” she said, holding the shirt up to her nose.
“You’ll always have a piece of me with you,” he mumbled, his lips against her forehead. “You have my heart.”
“Hey,” he replied, unsure of what to say.
She shifted from foot to foot, looking down. There was tension in the air but it broke when she finally looked up and held out her hand. JC closed his notebook and put it on the table. He slowly walked towards her and took her outstretched hand. She turned, barefoot, and led them towards the stairs. Silently they walked to her bedroom and closed the door. Mollie continued to the bed but JC hesitated.
“I haven’t slept in days and I can’t sleep without you,” Mollie said, seeing him standing.
That was enough for him. He pulled off his shirt and climbed in next to her, gently placing his arms around her as she snuggled close to him. JC, overwhelmed with emotion, began to cry. Mollie let tears roll down her face and shut her eyes. Now she was safe, now she could sleep.
The morning light came all too soon and Mollie peeked up a JC, who was still out. His face was creased with worry lines and she traced his jaw with her fingers. She didn’t know how they were supposed to move on from here. Everything felt different. She knew he was waking up when she felt his fingers tighten on her hips.
“Did you get some sleep?” he asked.
“Yeah…thanks.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Sad…ashamed…everything all at once,” she muttered. “I just feel like I let everyone down. Especially you.”
“You did everything you could to save yourself, how could I be let down?”
“I couldn’t save the baby,” she said, barely a whisper. “I just had this feeling earlier that day that it was a girl. Stupidly I started thinking of names.”
“It’s not stupid. What did you come up with?”
“Kate…I thought it was cute enough for a little girl but mature enough for a young lady.”
“I like Kate.”
“I wish I could have done something…”
“You did everything. I will never be angry with you.”
They stayed in bed much of the day, both catching up on some much needed sleep. They spent the next day similarly, sharing and crying. On the third day, Mollie insisted they get up and shower. Once clean and in fresh clothes, she set about sending Justin and Johanna to do errands while she cleaned up the house. Mollie felt the need to keep busy. She knew she would feel the effects of this for the rest of her life but right now, she’d spent too much time crying. She wanted to move on and she didn’t know how but being busy was a start.
By the end of the day, as she was climbing into bed, she didn’t feel any better. As JC wrapped his arms around her middle, she just felt sick. When she could hear his deep breathing behind her, she slid from his grasp. She loved JC but she needed to be by herself for a while. The sooner he went back on tour the sooner he’d be back here and she’d feel better. She’d focus on getting the dance studio up and running. There had to be some way to pull herself out of this darkness.
JC couldn’t understand why she was pushing him away so soon. She’d told him over breakfast that she thought he should get back on the road. She put it sweetly, explaining that the sooner he left the sooner he’d be home but something bothered him about her sudden about face. He couldn’t deny that he had to get back on tour eventually, there was a lot of money at stake, but neither the guys nor the fans were pressuring them to come back. He put it off another couple of days but he decided to get back at it. Like she said, he’d be back in no time. The tours always ended in Florida and by the time this one was over, they’d have to go straight into their Challenge for the Children, which was in Florida this year. It was hard to say goodbye, but it had to be done.
Mollie was glad he finally went. Being close to JC right now just made her feel worse about herself. His understanding and patience was overwhelming and she felt undeserving of his love. She threw herself into working on the dance studio, Johanna always hovering, making sure she was okay. At night, she’d succumb to the darkness and cry, letting herself feel everything until she fell asleep. It felt like she’d never come out of it.
“I just worry about you. Johanna says you’re not eating…” JC said one day on the phone.
“So now you two are conspiring against me?”
“Nobody’s conspiring, we just want to make sure that you’re okay.”
“I think I’m handling it the best I can and if you cared at all you’d be here force feeding me instead of scolding me over the phone.”
With that she hung up and immediately felt horrible. She knew that her ways of coping weren’t necessarily the best but it was all she could do to get up in the morning. Her heart said call him back but she didn’t have the energy for it. She turned out the light and went to bed. The next day she stayed in bed most of the day, drifting in and out of sleep. At some point she rolled over, bumping into something. She wasn’t sure what time it was but she let her eyes adjust to the dark and found JC sitting on the bed, his back to her.
“What are you doing here?” she mumbled.
“My girl needs me. I got on the next plane and the guys are gonna do the last few shows without me.”
“But you can’t what about…”
“What about nothing. Home is where I need to be and that’s where I am. Now go back to sleep, we’ll talk in the morning.”
JC made good on her demand to be force fed. When she refused the breakfast he brought up to her the next morning, he sat beside her and held the fork up to her mouth until she opened up. She let him feed her half the plate before she sent him away. They continued like this for days until Mollie accepted the fact that he wasn’t going to leave it alone and she started eating by herself.
JC took this as a small win. He’d leave her be for a week or two but then he had every intention of having her get back out in the world. The dance studio was ready to be opened, it just needed a teacher. Mollie needed dance and she needed this project.
Mollie knew his plans before he even said them. He was going to tell her to get back out in the world but it was hard. She had so many feelings that she couldn’t let go of and she needed to work them out if they were ever going to get back to normal. A few days after JC arrived home, Mollie snuck out to the dance studio, leaving a note on the fridge. She walked through the studio, admiring what they’d accomplished and arriving in the largest studio in the building. It sat in the very back but it was big enough to house at least 50 kids at once. She wandered over to the audio system they’d installed and placed a CD in the stereo. She had a song she loved and she just wanted to hear it.
She lay down in the middle of the floor as the song played. She closed her eyes and just felt the words and music fill her whole body. Gradually on the next take, she started visualizing movements. Eventually she got up and started trying things out. She didn’t know how long it took her to figure it out but once she did, she danced over and over. The sweat trickling down her forehead felt like it was cleansing her mind. She danced until the hurt lessened. She danced until she literally couldn’t.
JC allowed Mollie her freedom all day but as it grew dark out, he was curious as to what she was doing. He drove over to the dance studio, not seeing her when he walked in the front door but hearing the loud music flowing through the halls. He followed the sound and identified it as “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls, one of his favorites. He stood in the door way as she hit every crescendo and danced in a way he hadn’t seen from her before. As the song came to an end, she sank to the floor in a fit of tears. The music played on but Mollie sat, heaving with emotion. He knocked gently on the door and she looked up, drenched in sweat.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
“Hey…sorry I meant to call you but I got caught up.”
“It’s okay…it was nice to see you dance again.”
“It felt good to dance again,” she said, wiping her face on her arm. “I’m just about done here.”
“Okay,” JC said, taking the hint. “I’ll leave you to it…see you at home?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a few.”
JC nodded and headed out the door. Looking at her reflection, Mollie felt a sudden sense of peace. She’d let a lot out tonight and she couldn’t continue to live her life in the dark. She had to get up and keep going, she had to do it for the baby. She had to do it for JC. She had to do it for herself.
