I should have been there

I should have been there lots of times. Times when I knew in my heart Kerri was having problems, but I was too chicken, or too caught up in Justin’s shit to take the time to go and see her. It wasn’t just those three years that she wasn’t around either. It was before that. When I’d be away on tour with Justin and she’d be back home…alone, and I knew she didn’t have a fucking person in her life that could understand her. I should have been there. I should have been there because I knew I cared about her. I knew…I mean, I guess I knew I’d always loved her. It was just really hard for me to admit it to myself when I knew she was in love with Justin. Like, I know the guy is my best friend, but when it came to Kerri Donovan, that didn’t matter. I wanted to be the guy she talked about, the guy she cared about. But of course, I’d never been able to outshine Justin. It didn’t matter if I had the better personality, or if I knew I would never treat her like shit or go behind her back or promise her things and not follow through with them. It didn’t matter that I knew Justin was all wrong for her, that he had too much going on to give her the kind of relationship she wanted. None of it mattered, and I couldn’t express my feelings to the girl either…because she would have bitched me out.

But more importantly, I should have been there for her last night when she went back to Justin’s. I told her I wanted to go with her, but she insisted that she could do it herself. And I let her go by herself, because I figured it would make her happy, and of course that’s all I’ve ever wanted since the kidnapping went down anyway…for her to get out of this rut she’s been stuck in and be happy for awhile. I guess if I knew she was going to wind up like this, I would have made her take me with her. But hell, I’m not a psychic. I didn’t know she was going to….lose control, flip my car over the guard rail and wind up in intensive fucking care…

I should have fucking been there for her. It should have been me that got hurt. Not her, not now…not after everything else she’s put been put through.

I’ve been sitting in this same spot for a little over ten hours now, and I’m starting to feel it. My neck and back hurt from sitting in this stiff chair for so long, and my eyes are stinging from lack of sleep. I feel almost as bad as I did when Kerri and Justin were being held for ransom…almost as bad as that, except I haven’t been throwing up and I haven’t been sitting in the corner of the room bawling like a fucking baby. I think I’m stronger than that now. Or maybe I’ve just come to accept catastrophe and uncertainty as a part of my normal lifestyle. Because the drama didn’t just end for me after my friends were returned home safe. Oh hell no. Since then, everything else has seemed to blow up in my face. I held the Shane thing back for awhile because I figured I could. I tried to believe it wasn’t’ as big of a deal as I thought it was, and that I would get over it and nobody would have to know. But I realized I was wrong when I found that paper work…when I realized I’d signed it. When I realized that I could have prevented the whole fucking thing. It just hurt so bad, and I knew that Justin was still suffering, but I just…I needed to get it out. So I told him and after that, it was like we weren’t even friends anymore. I was distant from him and he was distant from me. And I would have been okay with that for awhile, really I would have…but then I started to realize how he was treating Kerri. I couldn’t deal with that, so I made sure he understood my feelings about him when he flipped out at the party a few nights ago. We haven’t been on speaking terms since.

But…Kerri doesn’t need to know that.

“Mr. Ayala.”

I don’t look up at him, partly because I’m too tired but mostly because I already know what he’s going to tell me. It’s the same thing that nurse told me an hour ago. She wasn’t supposed to, but I guess she felt bad for me because I’m here all by myself with nobody to lean on for support. I called Kerri’s folks of course, as soon she was wheeled into surgery and I was able to regain control of myself. I was terrified that her mother was going to answer, because I know how unstable she is, and right now…I know she can’t take much more tragedy in her life. Thankfully she didn’t, but I wasn’t too hopeful of how her father was going to react to the situation. Kerri’s relationship with him went downhill soon after she moved out to Los Angeles and well, I didn’t know if he’d had enough time to get over everything. But I had to say something…I wasn’t just going to let the hospital contact him. I felt that he needed to hear the truth from a friend or family memember, and even though I’ve never been extremely close with the Donovan’s, I figured I was the best person for the job at the time.

“Hi Mr. Donovan, it’s Trace.” I’d tried to sound professional. Like I was on some business call, trying to work out Justin’s itinerary. But when he’d remained silent, I couldn’t help but become nervous all over again. My palms had started to sweat, and my left leg started bobbing up and down uncontrollably. It really started to hit me then I guess…I had to break it him; tell him that his daughter might not make it through the night.

“Oh…hello…” His voice was a mixture of confusion and fear. Of course I’d wanted to hang up, I almost did…but I knew that it wouldn’t have solved the problem. The fact was, Kerri was hurt...really bad, and she needed her family to be there for her; even if they didn’t want to be. “Trace, is everything okay?”

I’d cleared my throught, and fought hard to keep the pain out of my voice. “No, sir,” I’d croaked. “Kerri’s been in an accident.”

“Accident?”

I don’t really remember what I said, or hell…how I managed to say it. All I know is that by the end of the conversation, he was the one telling me to calm down, that everything was going to be okay. He told me that he and his wife would be on the next flight out to Los Angeles, and that I should try and hold myself together until then. I was proud of the guy for sucking it up and being mature, but the more I thought about it…the more I realized that the guy wasn’t as bad as Kerri had made him out to be. He was worried about her when she ran off to live with Justin, he wanted her to think about her decisions. But of course Kerri was entirely too wrapped up in Justin to care. I mean, not that I can blame her….

I’m the one who guilt tripped her into coming out here in the first place.

But that was before. Before…I knew what Justin was going to end up doing to her. I thought he was going to be okay once he came home, and I thought if Kerri was there we would all be able to heal together. I guess it was stupid for me to think that way though. This ain’t no fuckin fairy tale. Sure there were villains and evil and heroic acts and all that shit, but that shouldn’t have allowed me to think that everything was just going to…fix it self. I should have thought about it, should have realized that night when Justin…did that to himself, that everything was going to be fucked up for a long ass time. I guess I just thought it would be simple. He’d get help, Kerri would come, and everything would just fall into place.

But everything didn’t fall into fucking place.

“Mr. Ayala.”

His hand is on my shoulder now, and so…just to reassure him that I haven’t lost my mind completely, I make myself look up at him. “Yes.”

He nods and gives me a sympathetic look. “She’s stable.” He sucks in a long breath. “And aside from the damage to her leg, it looks like she’s going to be just fine.”

The story they gave me was, she’d lost control of the car and flipped over the guard rail. The car flipped over twice, and landed upside down. She’d been wearing a seatbelt, they told me…but it was that seatbelt that nearly cost her her life The latch had gotten stuck, and she’d been pinned inside the car, unable to escape until help came. To make matters worse, the entire right side of the car had been smashed in such a way, that it had crushed her right leg almost beyond repair. This same doctor had come out part way through the surgery and told me that even if she made it…her leg would never be the same. Hell, they don’t know if she’ll be able to walk on it again, and God damn it…how am I supposed to tell Kerri that? Why the fuck should I have to tell her that? She doesn’t deserve this, she didn’t ask for this. She went home…she went home to see her folks and see me…and have a good time…

And instead, she just got a gun pointed to her head.

“Is she awake?,” I ask weakly.

“She is,” he says. “And I think she’s ready to see you now.”

I don’t hesitate. I quickly thank him as he escorts me to the doorway, and I make sure he’s disappeared from my site before I enter the room. I don’t know why…I know the doctor can’t hurt her, but I guess I just want privacy right now. It’s not often that I get to…sit with her, and tell her how much I care about her. Usually Justin is around, or somebody else…or she’s annoyed with me because I’m trying to tell her how to run her life. Really though, I’m not trying to do anything like that. I just care and I want her to be the best she can be. I hate to see her grovel at Justin’s feet and do whatever he wants her to. He’s fucking been keeping her cooped up with him like a prisoner, and she doesn’t deserve that. I can’t for the life of me understand why he would want to…I mean, doesn’t he understand that she’s better than that? Stronger? That she can see and do things for herself without him? Hell, I know she’s not that scared. She just pretends she is for Justin’s sake…

But that’s going to end right here and now.

“Ker.” I say it lightly as I gently push the door closed. At first I think she might be sleeping, when all I hear are the beeps and buzzes of the machines plugged into her. But then I hear her moan a little bit, and then I hear what sounds like my name…so soft, so sweet. It makes me want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go, but really…I know how stupid that is for me to want to do right now.

“Hey.” I force the best smile I can for her and pull up a chair beside the bed. She looks over at me slowly, wincing a little when she shifts some part of her body the wrong way. “Easy.” I take one of her hands in mine and give it a little rub. God…even now, in this hospital bed, wires and all…even now…

She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life.

“I wrecked everything.” She squeezes my hand as hard as she can, and I know she’s trying not to cry. “I…I tried. I did…”

“Shh, Ker.” I kiss her forehead, not having the slightest idea how I’m managing to stay strong for her right now. Seeing her like this is killing me. She’s fucking helpless. Helpless like I’m sure she was in that place, with those horrible people. Helpless like she’s been all these months trapped in Justin’s fucked up lifestyle. “You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” I draw away from her and look into her eyes, marveling at their beauty for a few moments before I let my eyes survey the rest of her face. It’s horrible. She’s banged up past recognition. Her bottom lip is cracked and swollen and one of her eyes is black and blue…nearly swollen shut. I wish it were me…I wish I’d crashed, I wish she was okay…I’d give anything for that right now. “Please don’t think that way.”

Then she starts to sob, and I do the best I can to hug her, to comfort her. But it’s hard with the wires and her leg being propped up in the sling and all. I try to whisper in her ear…comforting things that up until now, have always been able to cheer her up. But none of it seems to be working right now, and I guess I need to understand that. The most I can do I guess…is just sit here, be here for her…be her whole world if I have to be. Because God, Justin doesn’t seem to want to be bothered with this at all.

“Did…did he call?”

I know who she means, and it causes me to sigh into her. “Don’t worry…”

“Tell me!”

I stare at her, slightly shocked. I know I can’t get into an argument with her right now...but this shit is pissing me off. She just had ten hour fuckin surgery, she came dangerously close to dying , and all she can think about is Justin? Fuck, after he treated her? I don’t get it. “No,” I say quietly. “He didn’t call, and I don’t want you to worry about it. I did call your folks though…they’re on their way.”

“God,” she moans. “I don’t want to see them. I can‘t let them see me like this, Trace…they already think I’m a failure. This just shows them that I‘ll never amount to anything…that I cant‘ do anything on my own.”

“Listen to me.” I give her hand a firm squeeze and lean in close to her face, brushing some stray strands of hair off of her forehead. “You are not a failure, Kerrigan. You…you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. And your parents…they love you. They love you so much, and they want to be here and see you through this,” I nod. “Just…just like I do.”

The tears travel down her face in heavy thick trails, and I don’t know what she’s thinking. I don’t even know if I’m getting through to her, if what I’m saying really means anything. I guess it’s probably just a bunch of pathetic drabble to her. Yeah, more pathetic drabble from Trace who will never be good enough for Kerri, but will continue to love her because he’s a fucking idiot.

“Why are you always here for me?,” she whispers.

I stare back at her, and I can see it in her eyes. For the first time ever, she wants the truth from me. She wants to know how I really feel, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. For my entire life, I’ve waited for this. Waited for the day that she would forget about Justin for ten seconds and realize that I’ve always loved her. And fuck, it’s taken a kidnapping and a car accident for her to realize that I might…I might care about her for real, and that’s really retarded but it’s happening. It’s happening, and it might be the only chance I have to tell her how I feel. “Because I…”

Fuck.

“You could be doing other things,” she continues. “You had a chance to get married. To get away, Trace. Why didn’t you take it? Why did you hang around? Why are you always so concerned about where I am or what I’m doing?”

I slap my hands on my thighs and rub them nervously. This is it. I can’t just sit here, smile like an idiot, and try to pretend like it doesn’t’ matter. I love her. I…I do. And it’s not something I can hide from her anymore. It doesn’t matter if she tells me to fuck off or if she tells me that she cant’ think of me that way. It wont change my feelings for her, because I can’t help who I love. I can’t help that it’s her. I just can’t.

“I love you,” I say, just above a whisper. She stares back at me, silent…she doesn’t know what to do. It’s probably a bad time for this, and I know that. She has too much on her mind and I’ve just confused her more. But I mean, I fucked up her life when I hired Shane to work for Justin so…I don’t think telling her how I feel can really do that much more damage to her psyche. “And maybe it’s wrong, and maybe I have a hell of a nerve telling you this right now. I know you’re hurt and I know you’re vulnerable, and Ker…I’m not asking you to try to love me back. It’s just…you wanted to know okay? And I’m telling you.”

“You’ve always loved me.”

I can’t help but nod, because I know she’s right. How she’s always known, I can’t say, and I don’t really care to know. It almost makes me feel good to know she’s always had an idea of how I feel. But then again, she never said anything to me about it until the other day. I guess that means she’ll never feel the same way about me, but I’m not going to take it personally. She’s messed up, and hell, I know I’m still messed up too. What we need to do is get ourselves together again. Kerri needs to get better, I need to get my fucking confidence back, and we both need to just move past all of this. I’m not going to allow myself, or Kerri, to sit around and think about how horrible life has been to us. I’m not going to have stupid conversations about Justin, and what an asshole he’s decided to be. I’m done with that, I’m ready to move on, and I need to make Kerri see that it’s okay for her to move on too. “I guess I have,” I say to her.

And then she smiles at me. It’s a smile of understanding, of hope. She’s telling me it’s okay…that maybe, she understands. That no, she can’t say what her feelings are for me right now, but that she does care for me very much. And hell, that’s more than enough for me. “You’re the best person I have in my life,” she finally says. “You’d…” she pauses and tears her gaze from mine. “You’d never hurt me.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t.”

She reaches out to me as much as she can, and I hug her again…a little too hard for her condition, but I don’t care. She cries into me, begging me never to leave her and I promise her I won’t. I promise her with everything I have in me. “I’ll always be here,” I reassure her. “We’re gonna do this together, the right way…you and me, okay?”

She lets go of me after a few moments, and I help her sink back into her pillows. She looks up at me then, her expression full of questions, and I hope to god I can answer them all for her.

“What’s going to happen to him?”

I sigh and lick my lips. Really, I just want to tell her that Justin can go fuck himself, but I know that’s not what she wants to hear from me right now. So, I try to think up a logical explanation, and thankfully I come up with something believable. “Justin has to find his own way around this,” I tell her. “There’s nothing you or I can do to change what happened to him…and it’s wrong for him to expect us to.”

She’s silent again. She’s silent again, and I’m starting to think there’s something she’s keeping from me. I’m afraid to ask though. I mean, she’s made it clear to me many times that what’s gone on between her and Justin is private…but I don’t know. If he hurt her I think I have a right to know. If he hurt her…

If he hurt her like I think he hurt her I’ll kick his fucking ass.

“Kerri.”

“Yeah.”

I draw in a long breath. “What happened when you went to get your stuff?”

“It started to rain when I left,” she says, not looking me in the eye. “I guess I drove too fast…”

“No,” I interrupt. “I mean, before…” I shake my head a little. “Was Justin home when you were packing?”

“No,” she states simply. “Nobody was there.”

I try to stare her down, to get some kind of truth out of her, but she just looks back at me like she doesn’t have a clue as to what I’m getting at. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe nothing happened…maybe it’s like she’s said. She just got into an accident on the way back. Sure she was probably stressed, and it probably caused her to drive too fast or whatever, but I don’t know…I don’t think she’s stable enough to keep any kind of confrontation she had with Justin a secret from me. At this point, it just wouldn’t make sense. “Okay.” I smile a little. “Just asking.” I get up from the chair, and turn to leave…thinking she should get some rest before her parents come. But then…

“Please stay with me.”

And of course I do. I sit with her, hold her hand, and watch her as she drifts off to sleep. Soon, I feel myself dozing off too, and it feels nice. It feels nice to know that when I wake up she’s still going to be here, and…I’m going to be here. When I wake up I’ll have her right next to me, and she’ll care. And I know…I just know that somehow, we’re going to make it. We’re going to live, not be afraid, and enjoy life…finally enjoy it again…

Together.