And now Johnny is pissed. His face is red as he screams into his cell phone, and if he doesn’t calm down soon I’m afraid that he might have a stroke or a heart attack. I couldn’t take that. It would be all my fault, and my mom(who has been standing beside me watching Johnny’s tantrum for an hour now) will hate me. I wish I knew what to say to make things right again…or to calm him down at least. But I don’t know what to say. All he wants is for Kerri to get down here so she can tell him why it is that she decided not to show up for work the last week. Then he can scream at her. And I feel bad about that too. I don’t want anybody to scream at Kerri…

But really, it’s her own fault. Because I didn’t even do anything wrong.

From what I understand, she’s been with Trace all this time. Elisha brought my car back to me the same day Kerri took off in it, and told me what was going on. Really, I couldn’t blame her for running to Trace, and I wasn’t’ mad about it at all. I figured she needed at least a day to cool down, and that was okay because I knew I didn’t have a show until the day after that. It was only when the next day came and she didn’t call…then I started to get agitated. I figured she would have been a little bit concerned about me at least. Or…I figured Trace might have pulled his head out of his ass and realized that yes…there was still business that needed to be handled. I thought he would have been mature enough to push our problems to the side and give me a call. But neither of them called, and for the first time in a long long time…I felt so fucking alone. Yeah, alone and confused in my big ass house with nobody to calm me down. Of course I cried, of course I threw up…but this time I didn’t allow myself to shut the rest of the world away.

I knew Cameron was supposed to meet me the next day for brunch, but I decided I didn’t want to wait that long. I knew she was in town staying with her sister, so I called her up around nine, and she seemed anxious to see me. I didn’t really tell her what was going on with me, or how mad I was at my friends. I didn’t want to put her smack in the middle of all that drama. So, I just told her that Kerri had gone out for the night with a friend, and that I wanted to see her. It didn’t take her more than twenty minutes to get to my house, and it made me feel good to know that somebody still cared…that I wasn’t a bastard in her eyes. We sat on the couch and talked for a while…mostly about normal stuff at first. She told me about all the new projects she was about to take on, and I told her how I was going to take on Europe in a few months. She seemed concerned when I told her that, and of course I knew why. The idea of me going to Europe right now is crazy to her…she doesn’t think I can handle such a big trip after I’ve been through so much. And hell, part of me wants to agree with her…but I won’t. I guess I view going to Europe as an outs for me. I can hide from my past. I can get away, I can forget myself. I’ll shop, go clubbing, and have more fun than I’ve had in a long ass time. By that time I wont have to take such heavy doses of medication either, so that means I can start drinking again. Of course I know it’s not the best idea…to drink. Kerri is a prime example of this. But I think I can control myself…I’m a lot stronger than she is.

Kerri is a stupid bitch.

I told that to Cameron too, well…not putting it as bluntly of course, but I made sure I got my point across. After all, I had to cover my own ass…make sure she didn’t think I was the psychotic one who forced Kerri to leave. I told her we’d been having a lot of problems, that she was an emotional mess and I couldn’t take it anymore. She seemed to understand, but of course she would have. She doesn’t know Kerri, she’s never even met the girl, but she knows me and so…of course she’s going to go by what I say…what I tell her. I probably shouldn’t have talked Kerri down like I did, made her into the bad person…but I was scared. She wasn’t here and I didn’t know how else to explain it to Cameron. I mean, she’d just come back to see how I was doing, and I didn’t want her to think I was still a freak. I…I didn’t want her to be scared of me, like she was the last time. I never want her to think that I’m a bad, horrible person again. So I guess it’s why I lied. I know it was wrong, but I feel better knowing that she views me as the Justin she’s always known…

At least for the moment.

“You have a hell of a nerve,” I hear Johnny grunt. At first I think he’s talking to me, that he’s found out Kerri’s disappearing act is really all my fault. But when I look up to give him a stupid explanation, I realize that it’s not me he’s talking to at all. No, because Kerri is here now. She’s standing before us with a clipboard in her hand and a tired expression on her face. She wont look at me, and of course I know why. She’s scared…she’s scared of everything and everybody in this room. She’s scared of Johnny, she’s scared of Eric, and she’s especially scared of me and my mother. Part of me wants to comfort her, but I won’t. No I won’t…because it’s not my fault…all of this. I just need to let her be reprimanded. She needs to realize that this is a job, and with a job comes responsibility…

Wait. When did I become such an asshole?

“I’m sorry,” she tells him, making sure to shoot me a cold glance. “Things happened and I needed to get away…”

“That’s no excuse!” Johnny hollers. “Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through the last week? Justin‘s been late for appointments…disappointed the label! Are you trying to ruin his image?”

“I…” She looks to me for guidance now. To stick up for her. To tell Johnny we’ve been having issues and that she was upset. But I don’t say anything. I barely look her in the eye…because I can’t. I’m too angry, and I have too much pride to stick up for her right now. I mean, she’s the one that left. She’s the one who made me feel so alone after I threw her a party and tried to fix things. So it serves her right…she deserves this.

“We’re very disappointed, Kerrigan,” my mother speaks up after a few moments. “We’ve been relying on you to help Justin, and turning your back on him without a word to any of us was very irresponsible.”

“Oh okay,” Kerri whispers. “So it doesn’t matter that I felt like shit, right Lynn? It’s always about Justin…because you know, he was the only one who got hurt in that place.”

The silence that follows her little outburst is deafening, and I really wish I was alone with her right now so I could put her in her place. But we’re not alone, not at all…and all I can do is stare at her and try to let her know how ridiculous she’s acting right now.

“Nobody is saying you didn’t get hurt,” my mother says. “That’s not what this conversation is about, and you know that, Kerri. I’ve always told you that you can come to me with your problems, and I’ve expected you to do that. Running off wasn’t the solution and now… I really don’t know if I want you helping Justin anymore.”

“Oh that’s fine!” she yells. “Because I quit!” She throws down her clipboard and glares at me for a few moments, her bottom lip trembling…her eyes glazed over. She’s waiting for me to say something now, anything. I think it would reassure her. But of course, I keep my mouth shut. “That’s right,” she whimpers. “Just stand there and stare at me Justin…go ahead! Because none of this is your fault…you’re never the one to blame!”

She’s pissing me off and I feel like wringing her neck, but I know that’s definitely not the solution. But I am ready to say something to her, to tell her off…to make her feel like shit. And I almost do, but then Eric grabs her by the arms and tells her that it’s time to go. She starts freaking out of course, telling him to get his hands off of her. I don’t know what to do. I can tell she’s scared, her eyes are wide like she’s…back there.

“Let me go!” she wails. “Please!”

Of course Eric doesn’t listen, and a moment later she lets out a blood curdling scream that causes me to think back to that night…that night out by the Oldsmobile when Shane pushed her to the ground and would have shot her right there if I hadn’t decided to bargain with him. Suddenly I realize how wrong I’ve been…that Kerri isn’t the horrible person I’ve acted like she is these past couple of days. I set her off, I made her run away, and then…I acted like it was all her fault. I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking. I don’t know who the hell I think I am. I yell out for Eric to let her go…that I’ll handle it. But he doesn’t seem to hear me. He drags Kerri out the door, and in a flash…they’re both gone.

Damn it.

I don’t know what I’ve done. I don’t know anything right now, and I probably wont know anything ever again. What’s happened to me? What’s happened to my friendship with Kerri? Kerri the girl who I used to rely on for everything and anything. The girl I used to dream about, the girl who I used to miss like crazy when I was on the road and I had nobody else around me but superficial sluts? I…I loved her. Not like, in love where I needed her in a sexual way. I just loved her like a sister, because she was always there and she never judged me and she didn’t care what the press or the other people around me had to say about me. She wanted me around because I was Justin, her Justin. And then I ruined it because I was curious…

And now I’ve ruined it because I’m a paranoid, insecure asshole.

“Justin, are you listening to me?”

I realize I’m in a daze, and I snap out of it in time to see Johnny and my mother staring at me with concern. They want answers. They want to know why Kerri flipped out like she did. But really, it’s none of their damn business. It’s nobodies fucking business…what goes on with Kerri and I. And frankly, I’m getting sick and fucking tired of having to explain ourselves to every person that asks. “Cancel the show,” I hear myself blurt out.

Johnny laughs nervously. “Justin, come on now, you can’t do that.”

“I said cancel it.” I grunt, and storm over to the door.

“Justin!” My mother calls out to me. “You can’t cancel this close to show time.”

I don’t look back at her as I throw the door open. “I’m sorry, momma.” And I walk out, not caring about Johnny’s threatening tone or my mothers worried one. I can’t think about any of that right now…I just need to get out, get away…

“God, Justin…what’s the matter?”

I nearly run smack into Cameron, but I’ve never been more thankful. I quickly grab her hand and start to lead her down the hallway, before she can start asking me why I look like a train wreck. “Get me out of here.”

“What?”

She’s confused, and it’s understandable, but I have no time to explain myself to her. The longer I linger, the better the chance of Tiny or Eric forcing me back into my dressing room. And I can’t go onstage tonight. There’s no way in hell. “Just get me the fuck out of here before I do something regrettable, Cameron.”

“O-okay…” She shoots me another confused glance, but doesn’t ask me any other questions. She just grips my hand tighter as we race down the hallway and out to the back of the venue. Thankfully, nobody that matters sees us as we sneak out the back entrance and into my BMW. I jump into the drivers seat and Cameron quickly slides in next to me, and finally I’m able to speed away….to get away. For the first few minutes I’m relieved…I don’t have to answer questions or put on my usual fake personality for anybody. I can just be myself for the rest of the evening, because Cameron…she understands me. But then I remember exactly who it is that I’m really running away from. Kerri. I’m running away from her again, just like I did three years ago, just like I did…after everything happened.

Why am I afraid of her?

“Justin.”

Her voice is soft, soothing the stress enveloping my mind. I glance over at her quickly, and I can tell she’s beyond worried. I can see it in her eyes, she’s afraid for me. She knows how I can be when I’ve gone over the edge and she doesn’t know what to do for me. Damn, I thought seeing her again was supposed to be a positive experience, but instead it’s a repeat of everything we went through before she left me. Suddenly I wish I could have controlled myself, told her I wasn’t ready to see her yet. That I had to work things out with Kerri first. But I was selfish…I thought this would help things, but all it did was cause everything to blow up in my face. “Yeah.”

“What happened back there?”

I should tell her everything. The truth, that I’m a bastard, and that I’ve lost the trust of my two best friends. But I just can’t do that. I feel like shit as it is, and right now…I think Cameron is the only one who still believes that I’m a good person. I can’t ruin it…I just can’t. “I got nervous.”

She lets out a disgruntled sigh. “You never walk away from a show.”

“Well fuck, Cam. I’m not the same person,” I snap.

The silence that follows is horrible. She knows I’m still fucked up, she knows I still need help…lots of it, and there’s no way she’s going to be able to trust me now that I’ve shown her my…temper. God, I can’t keep anything straight anymore. Everybody hates me. My friends have all turned their backs on me. I’m a monster, a freak, a moron…and I should just be locked away where I can’t hurt anybody anymore.

“Look,” she finally says to me. “I know you’re not, okay? I…I only came out to see you because I needed some closure. The way we left each other was just…wrong. You were in pain and I was afraid, and I ran away. And Justin, running away doesn’t solve anything. I really thought you might have changed too, I guess. I mean, God, I don’t know what made me think you might have completely recovered from everything so fast. I guess…I’ve always known you to be strong, J. You always…you know, you were always able to let things roll off your shoulders. Now it’s just like…you’re just this shell of a person.”

The things she’s telling me aren’t news to me. I know how I am, how I act…and what I do. I don’t know why she has to sit here and rub it all in my face. Does it make her feel good? Better than me? Is she secretly laughing at me inside…because I’m a weak piece of shit? I feel my hands grip the steering wheel tighter as the tension and anger build up inside of me. She’s really fucking pissing me off right now, and I wish I could just make her disappear or something. I wish I could let her feel my pain, just for a moment or two. Just so she can know what it’s really like to live the way I do…every day.

But then again, she’s already been there. Already been hurt by me…so bad. Jesus Christ, how can I be thinking this way? Why would I want to cause Cameron more pain? I mean, she’s just trying to help…but I guess I have no patience for her right now. I can’t stand to hear her tell me the truth about myself. I can’t stand that…she still doesn’t know what really happened to me and so…she can’t fully understand why I act the way I do. I could tell her, I know I could; but right now, I’m too stressed out and upset to handle the consequences. “Cam, I…”

“What the hell did they do to you, Justin?,” she spits. “I mean, Christ…it’s been fucking three months. Do you still think you have to hide from me? I know something happened to you…”

With the frustration becoming too much to bear, I slam on the breaks. Cameron screams at me to ‘slow the fuck down, before we get killed!’, and thankfully, I manage to pull the car to the side of the road without flipping over the guard rail. I breath in and out, trying to catch my breath for several moments before I finally look over at her. She’s got her arms wrapped around her tiny body, and she’s whimpering just slightly. Cameron hates to let people see her weak side.

“Fuck, Justin!” she screams. “What the hell?”

“I’m sorry,” I mutter, and lean my head against the steering wheel. “You pissed me off.”

“I always piss you off,” she mutters. “That’s why I left in the first place.”

I don’t lift my head to look at her. “You left because I couldn’t’ handle what happened to me. I-I still can’t handle it Cameron…but, something inside of me forces me to get up everyday and face the world. Do you even know how hard that is?,” I pause and sigh, before shifting my head a little to look at her. She’s curled up in her seat now, her index finger covering the top of her lip. She’s thinking…trying to figure out something to say or do to make everything okay. That’s how she is, it’s what she’s always done…for me, even when I was being entirely too impossible to deal with.

“How can I know?,” she whispers. “I was the last person you came to with your problems Justin. Hell…” she pauses and let’s out a sad laugh. “I still am.”

“I was trying to protect you from…all of that,” I say, and bite down on the corner of my lip. “I loved you Cameron…I never stopped. But I hurt you and, I know you had to get away from me before I drove you out of your mind.” I slowly look up at her, and deep into her eyes. I can see that hurt…that pain that I made her feel that night in Hawaii. It’s still with her, and as she continues to look at me, I know it’s only getting worse. Maybe I should push her away, tell her to just…leave me alone…

But I really, really don’t want to be alone.

She doesn’t start yelling at me again though, instead…she takes one of my hands in hers and lets out a deep sigh, before pulling me into a long, caring embrace. To say I’m shocked is an understatement. I don’t deserve her…any part of her right now, or ever again. I don’t understand why she feels compelled to soothe me or feel sorry for me. I haven’t done anything to make her feel this way. I’ve just…been using her, like I’ve been using everybody in my life…for months now. Despite all I feel though, I won’t let go of her. It’s comforting me…calming me down, and I know I need to be calm right now. Because tonight…I’m sure I’m going to be all alone in my house. And I have no idea when that’s going to change, if Kerri will ever confront me about what happened tonight, or if she‘ll even speak to me again. Hell, I’m sure Trace wont have a problem talking her out of it. In fact, I’m sure he’s the one I’ll have to deal with if I try to confront Kerri about this whole thing. I know he still wants to keep some distance between us. When I shut him away at the party, I know it hurt him…and in a way, I think it was the last straw for him. He wants nothing to do with me, and while that hurts me more than he’ll ever know…I just can’t put it at the top of my priority list right now.

“It was horrible, Cam,” I whisper as she continues to hold me in her arms. “I couldn’t tell anybody about it, and…I cut myself because…”

“Shh,” she silences me, and finally draws back to look into my eyes again. She shakes her head a little bit, and I can see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. “I…I know you went through a nightmare,” she whispers. “And I guess a part of me has always known…what they did to you, Justin.” She nods and looks down at her lap. “But I couldn’t just ask you. I didn’t know what it would do to you.”

Just knowing that she always sort of understood about Shane, without me confessing anything to her, puts my mind at ease. I manage a slight smile, and I cup her cheek in my palm. It feels so good to touch her again. So good in fact, that I start to forget about the girl I got dumped by only a week ago. “Cameron…”

“I used to sit in bed at night and watch you while you slept,” she confesses softly, and touches the hand that’s resting on her cheek. “And I would try to figure out a way to get you to open up to me more. But…” she pauses and shakes her head. “I guess I always knew that you weren’t going to, and that really hurt me…”

“Cam,” I interrupt. “I never meant to…”

“But I don’t hold it against you. I never did, Justin,” she blurts out. “The only thing I wanted…was for you to get better, and I guess…everything that happened between us was the only way for you to do that.” She shrugs a little, and I know all of this is making her really uneasy. But I also know that Cameron is strong, she can handle herself, and she’s going to make it through this conversation without breaking down. That’s a good thing, because it will be able to keep me calm too. If things were different, if this was me and Kerri, hell…I probably would have done something really, really stupid by now.

Fuck, but Kerri isn’t here. Cam is here, and hell…its obvious she still cares about me. It’s obvious she didn’t come all this way to simply blow me off or tell me I’m horrible. So maybe I can just forget about fucking Kerri, and my asshole of a best friend, and my nosy manager…and my mess of a mother. Maybe I can just push them all to the back of my mind for now, and just focus on her…

Because I think…I think I could still care about her too.

“Let’s run away,” I whisper desperately, and bury my face in her shoulder. “Let’s just get away.”

“Justin,” she sighs after a moment. “What will that solve?”

“Everything.”

Then…silence. I manage to smile into her because I know she’s considering this. Hell, I’m sure she wants to be alone with me for as long as possible. I know she’s missed me, and now I’m starting to realize that I’ve missed her a hell of a lot more than I thought. This…this is me. Being with her…it’s who I was before this all happened. It’s who I was after I stopped speaking to Kerri. It’s who I was when I introduced Trace to Elisha, and we both had deep relationships and were just…chill. It’s who I always thought I was going to be for the rest of my life until Shane came and fucked everything all up. So if this is who I used to be…if this is who I’m trying to become, who says I shouldn’t just go somewhere with Cameron and try to change myself back again? Fuck, I want to do it…

But does she?

“People will be mad…,” she says, hesitantly.

I sit up and hold her face in my hands. “Who cares about them?” I shake my head roughly. “This is my life Cameron. Mine. And right now, I just want to share it with you…”

She pulls away roughly. “What about Kerri, Justin?”

I stare at her. She’s the last person I’d expect to care about Kerri right now. I mean, she doesn’t even know Kerri, she’s never met her, or had a conversation with her. So I don’t get it. I mean, I know she cares about me so I don’t see why she’d want me to consider my ex girlfriend’s feelings right now. Well okay, maybe I am leaving out the fact that I’ve known Kerri my whole life, and we…went through that together. But my mind is so clouded, I can’t dwell on any of that right now. Or maybe, I just don’t want to. “What about her?,” I whisper.

She narrows her eyes. “Are you running away from her?,” she asks me, her voice full of concern.

I turn away from her and look straight ahead. “I’m running away from a lot of things, Cameron.”

“I don’t think it’s going to solve your problems, Justin. You need to consider her feelings too.”

I look back at her, dumbfounded. I cant’ understand why she isn’t on my side right now, because she was just a minute ago. “Cam…look, this isn’t about fucking Kerri!,” I say, angrily. “She…she has her own way out of this whole thing. She has answers, she has people around to help her…”

“But so do you!,” she interrupts. “You have so many people that are willing to care about you and help you Justin. You always have, but you just…you shut everybody out. You haven’t changed at all, even though you try to make everybody think that you have. I…I can’t do this again Justin. I can’ t go through this with you again.”

She’s got that fed up expression on her face now. The one she used to get when she wanted to fool around and I would tell her I was tired. She’s disappointed in me, she’s thinks I’m a loser…just like everybody else does. It makes me want to cry, and as much as I don’t want to I just can’t help myself. I cover my face with my hands and start to bawl like the little pussy that I am. Part of me expects her to comfort me, but when she doesn’t I know she thinks I’m being ridiculous. I try to get myself together…but I’m such a mess, everything has fallen apart in the matter of a few hours and really, I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over it. I guess they should just throw me back in the insane asylum…because I think it’s where I really belong…

At least Madison would get it.

“Let me take you home.” I hear her whisper the words after a significant amount of time has passed, and then I hear a door slam. A moment later I feel somebody pull me out of the car and walk me around to the other side. I’m made to sit down, I’m buckled in like a baby…a door slams, then another. She’s driving now, driving me home like a little child. And all I can do is sit here and let the rest of my sanity fade away. It’s sometime during the ride that I realize I’ve let him win again. I don’t have control anymore…it’s just as before. He laughs at me…tells me he knew I’d let him win in the end.

And of course, I don’t tell him that he‘s wrong.

Because he‘s not.

*****************

Trace told me he’d get the rest of my stuff out of Justin’s house for me, but I don’t know, I guess I felt like if I had Trace do it I wouldn’t feel like I’d handled the situation on my own. I know Trace means well, and he’s really really upset with Justin for not sticking up for me at the venue, but I also know that I need to be independent. I need to get through this on my own, without the help of Trace or anybody else. It’s why I’m here in his house alone, packing my bags and trying not to cry. But I can’t say I’m having an easy time controlling myself. I’ve been a wreck since I was ‘escorted’ out of the venue by Eric earlier this evening. It embarrassed the hell out of me too, because he threw me out in front of the line of people waiting to get into the place. Since most of them know who I am, their shocked glances and hurried whispers didn’t come as a big surprise to me. But I know tomorrows tabloids are going to be filled with the story of Kerri the Psycho trying to turn Justin’s world upside down all over again. I don’t understand how Justin could have put me in this position, after all I’ve done for him up until now. Granted, we’re having a lot of problems, but I figured he was going to be professional when I showed up to do my job. When Johnny was yelling at me, I’d been waiting for Justin to say something in my defense…or to at least tell him that it wasn’t the time for arguments, that there was a show to do. But no, he just stood there…Lynn at his side, acting like I was the most irresponsible, uncaring person in the world.

I don’t think anybody should blame me for flipping out.

I probably should have waited until tomorrow or the next day to do this…to move on, Trace even told me that I should, but since when do I listen to him? Part of me even feels bad about rushing it, abandoning Justin without a second thought for his well being. I know all that attitude and ignorance he put on the venue was simply a big act to show off in front of Johnny and his people. Deep inside, I’m sure it killed him to treat me that way. Or maybe…I’m just hoping that’s how he felt. If that’s the case, it means he still needs me. That all of this…the relationship we have, it doesn’t’ have to end. But then my common sense kicks back in and tells me Trace is right, that Justin is fucked up, and he’s entirely too confused to still care about me or want to love me. I mean, that is…if he even loved me to begin with. But that’s the very question that made me want to end it with him in the first place, so I guess it’s stupid for me to think about it anymore. What’s done is done, and I know that I can’t go back and change any of it.

I slam my suitcase shut.

I go to the closet, and practically tear it apart. I throw everything I own on the floor and proceed to shove it into my duffle bag. I come across some clothes Justin bought for me…I want to burn them. I would too, but I have nothing to burn them with. So, I just throw them into the wastebasket next to my nightstand and forget about them. Right, just forget about them…forget about him. He’ll only bring me down, and I need to just…get that through my fucking head.

I jump at the sound, and quickly whirl around. I look at my luggage, hoping something might have fallen over, but it’s still perfectly in place. I freeze. Somebody is here, and Christ, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know who it was. Justin’s home. Justin’s home and I really don’t want to deal with him right now. The reason I rushed over here was so I could avoid him. I figured he’d be performing right now, but I guess I’m just naïve. It should have been obvious to me that he’d be too stressed out to go onstage tonight after things happened like they did. I could kick myself for not listening to Trace…for not waiting…for…

I let out a frightened whimper and back up against the wall. He’s angry, angry and…well, I don’t really know what else. All I know is that he’s bad right now, really bad…and when he sees me here, I have no doubt in my mind that things will get worse. But I can’t run out of here, I can’t move, I’m paralyzed with fear. I know what can happen when Justin is in a rage, and I really…I really don’t want to face that. So, I sink down to the floor and wrap my arms around my knees, forcing myself to be silent, to hardly breathe. And I pray that he doesn’t find me. In the silence, I can hear him downstairs. He’s stumbling around, and I can hear things crashing and falling over around from time to time. He yells jumbled obscenities every few minutes, and I know…he’s lost it. I don’t know if it’s solely because of me, but it doesn’t really matter. I’m still involved…and I know if I had decided not to come home for my parents anniversary a few months back I wouldn’t even be sitting here right now. I’d be in New York, in school…I’d be normal. Sure I’d still miss Justin, but I’d basically be over it.

But curiosity had gotten the best of me then. Sure, of course I wanted to go home and see my family, but I can’t say I didn’t know Justin would be there. It had been three years, and I can’t say I wasn’t’ curious to see what had become of him. The tabloids hadn’t told me anything about him or his life, because we all know that’s all fake anyway. Trace was the one who kept me informed, but it was hard seeing Justin through his perspective. I guess I couldn’t admit it to myself in the beginning. I didn’t hate him, I was fucking…anxious as hell to see him again, and it’s a big part of the reason I decided to come home. And I’ve considered this, thought about it…and I’m convinced that God allowed that horrible thing to happen to us because of I was selfish…because I couldn’t get over myself. I ruined everything, I did it…it’s my fault.

Everything is my fault.

I hear footsteps on the stairs, heavy, loud…outraged. I can’t move, all I can do is sit here…the door wide open, knowing he’s going to find me.

And he does.

“You.”

I look up slowly, cowering in my spot on the floor. “I’m leaving…” I whisper. I look him up and down. He’s got a bottle of something in his hand, and it scares the hell out of me. This isn’t Justin. Justin gave up drinking, he gave up everything to make himself better…to make me better. But this…this isn’t that guy. Something has taken him over, and as I look into his eyes, I can see that it’s something horrible, something evil. Something that wants to do away with me.

“You…” He staggers over to me. “You fucking bitch.”

I pull my knees closer to my chest, and look away from him. “Justin…please calm down.” I hear a crash a few feet away from me a moment later, and I know it’s the bottle he was holding. A loud shriek escapes me, I start to sob…but he has no remorse for me at the moment. The next thing I know, he’s grabbed me by the scruff of my shirt, and he’s shaking me…he’s shaking me so hard. I whimper and beg him to stop, but all he does is shout a bunch of incomprehensible obscenities in my face. I realize he’s drunk and he doesn’t care what happens to me…and I’m fucking terrified. I know I have to get away. I start to struggle…I scream for him to get off of me. But he doesn’t stop. Instead he screams in my face…he tells me he wishes I’d died that day by the ditch, that Shane should have gotten his way. And that hurts me so bad that I couldn’t care less about how fucked up he is or how much pain he’s in. I punch him in the face and he falls to the ground, crying out in pain. Then I take my chance and run away…I’m almost to the door, I’m almost out…but then…

“Don’t you fucking run away from me!”

I’m grabbed around the waist and thrown against the wall. My entire body is throbbing, and I go numb with fear…but I can still feel myself crying. I’m freaking out, I’m begging him to get away from me…but he’s enraged. I scream as he picks up a picture frame off the nightstand. I know what the picture is. It’s us…all three of us. Trace, Justin, and me. We were so young then…just sixteen, and having the time of our lives. We were close, nothing could come between us, and he throws it at me like none of it ever mattered to him. I scream and duck, before it can collide with my face. I hear it crash…the glass flies through the air, and I shield my head and face with my arms. My mind wants me to scream, but find that I can’t do it. The only thing I can do, is cower before him and start to cry when he towers over me again. He raises his hand to me, and I flinch…and then he slaps me. I stare up at him in shock, and when he slaps me again I cry out for him to stop. But he doesn’t stop. He keeps going…keeps hitting me, keeps yelling at me…

“You’re so stupid! Look what you did Kerri! Look what you did to me!”

I think I tell him I’m sorry, but I don’t really know. I don’t know anything right now. I…he’s a monster…he’s going kill me…

“I let him do that to me…because of you! He held me down! He raped me! I did that for you Kerri! I did that for you, and what do I get?”

Slap.

“Nothing!”

Slap.

“You stupid bitch!”

Slap.

I can feel the blood running down my face, and I’m crying so hard that I can’t tell how much pain he‘s inflicted. I just want him to stop, but he fucking won’t stop. He tells me he hates me, then he hits me some more, starts to kick me…in the stomach, in the legs…everywhere. I try to fight back the best I can. I lash out and try to hit him, and I get a few good shots at his face but it doesn’t seem to phase him. He can’t feel any pain right now, he’s been numbed by his rage. I’ve curled myself into a ball now, but he quickly pries me out of it and pins me against the wall.

“Justin…pleas-se. Please Justin…please stop,” I sob pathetically. I feel like I’m back there for Christ’s sake. Back there and Shane is in front of me, telling me to behave and lay in the shed like a good girl. After awhile I even see it, see him…and I scream. I scream at him to let me go, to please not kill me. And then, something happens…something I didn’t think was going to happen until it was too late. Justin’s eyes widen, he takes his hands off of me and leans back. He stares at me, as if he’s seeing me for the first time. As if…he had no idea what he was doing. It reminds me of the last time, when he slapped me. Only then, he snapped out of his rage a hell of a lot quicker. Granted, I’m sure he’s drunk but…Jesus Christ…I can’t believe I’m analyzing this right now.

Fucking Christ. He just beat me up.

We sit in the middle of the room, staring at each other for what seems like forever. My head starts to pound, and when I look down and see the blood stains on my jeans and the carpet, I nearly vomit at the thought that Justin is the cause of it. Then I look at him again. He’s still in shock, and I can tell he’s about to lose it…

Then he does.

He curls into a ball on the floor and he cries…he cries like the time I was seven and he pushed me out of that tree in the front yard. I’d been rushed to the ER and I distinctly remember hearing a woman crying as they were hauling me into the X Ray room. She was crying so bad…like a some kind of raving lunatic. Later, after they’d put the cast on my arm, I remember asking my doctor why it was that the woman in the hall had been crying so bad. At fist he’d been hesitant, but then he’d sighed and told me the lady had lost her daughter that day. She’d been in a car accident and hadn’t had much of a chance. I always told myself that nothing horrible like that would ever happen to me…that I had it too good. That everything in my life would always been happy, fun and upbeat. But right now…I feel like I’m right back there…in that ICU, and Justin is the one who’s lost somebody.

And in a way he has.

I don’t realize that I’m standing over him, until I hear him ask for my help. I look down, and all I can think about is how weak he is, how selfish he is…how much pain he’s caused me, caused Trace…caused everybody. “You bastard,” I hear the words slip out of my mouth, but I have no regrets. “How could you do this to me?” My voice cracks with every word, and I know I’m still crying…but I can’t feel it. All I can do is look down upon him, without one ounce of sympathy for him. He doesn’t deserve to be felt sorry for. I don’t care if he was raped, I don’t care if Shane fucked with his head.

I was there too. I suffered too.

“Please…” He reaches out for me. “I didn’t know! K-Kerrigan!”

“I suffered too damn it!” I scream at him so loudly that my head starts to pound even harder, and I begin to feel the full effects of what he’s done to me. My entire face is throbbing, and when I lick my lips I can feel how swelled up they‘ve become. My left eye hurts, I know it’s going to turn black and blue, and my back and legs ache from him kicking me and throwing me around. “I suffered too!” I look around for something to throw, and then my eyes land on the glass frame he broke. I feel like cutting him…slicing him open like he used to do on his own. What would it matter? He deserves to be in pain…like I am. I reach out for it…I almost pick it up, but then I hear him cry again. That horrible sounding cry…

And I know I can’t hurt him like that. I need to just get out…get away. Trace…Trace will help me…

So I run. I run out the door, leaving my belongings behind. Justin starts to freak out. I hear him scream my name, that he’s sorry, that he didn’t know…he swears to God he didn’t know. I keep going, keep running, I can’t listen…I don’t want to. But then…I hear him getting sick. I know he’s vomiting all over the place. And I know I’m crazy, I know I’m going insane, but it makes me stop and think. I…I feel…I feel bad. I…he needs me. Despite the fact that he just beat the shit out of me, he needs me to help him. I should turn back…

I hold my hands over my ears. No, I wont let Nathan do this…I wont. Get out. Get out. You have to get out. I run further, down the stairs…through the living room. I swing the door open, and stand there, trying to catch my breath. I find that it’s impossible though. I’m hyperventilating. I can’t calm down. But I need to get away. I stagger out into the driveway, and manage to make it over to Trace’s SUV. I get in, and sit there. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I’m terrified of what Trace will do once he sees what Justin has done, and even more terrified of what Justin will do to Trace when they confront each other. My God…I’ve just made it all worse.

Why do I always make things worse?

The rain starts to fall, lightly at first but then it picks up. I hear it beating harshly on the roof of the car, and it reminds me of Justin’s rage. It’s trying to send me a message, I think. It’s telling me that I can’t escape the madness no matter what I do. I can sit here, drive home…none of it matters. All of this, it’s going to stay with me for the rest of my life…and I can’t do anything about it. Nothing at all. I’m helpless. I’m always going to be helpless little Kerri Donovan, no matter what I do.

I’m a failure.

I’m a failure but I start the car anyway. The destination? I don’t really know…but I do know that the blood from my face is dripping all over me. I need to go…need to go…need to escape. Save myself. Save yourself or die Kerri…

Sometime later I hit the parkway. The cars are so fast, nearly invisible in the heavy rainfall. Still, I don’t slow down. What’s the reason? Speed is good. Makes me feel free, like I’m on top of the world. And I’m never on top of the world. The windshield wipers aren’t helping much to clear the water from the windshield, and really…I should probably slow down or pull over or something. But I don’t want to stop. Stopping will make me think, and I don’t want to think. I don’t want to remember…

The blaring of the horn is loud, and I’m blinded by the glare of the headlights. I can’t see what’s going on, and I think I’m pulling the car in the right direction…but then, I’m spinning…around and around and around. There are horns and skidding sounds and…