I’ve gotta give myself some fu'cking credit I guess. Before I got into a nasty confrontation with that bi'tch’s boyfriend, I’d done a pretty awesome job throwing Kerri a birthday party. Everything went as planned. The caterers were on time, the food was awesome, and none of the help bothered me or my girlfriend unless I called on them for something. The DJ that Elisha hired wasn’t a freak, he didn’t ask me any retarded questions about my personal life, and his play lists seemed designed to fit the mood of the party. In all, it was laid back. Kerri and I kicked back at a table that had been set up in the back of my living room, with a group of friends we hadn’t seen in way too long. For the first time in three years, I saw Kerri for who she truly is. I was able to see that girl I used to know so well come out of her shell. She laughed, she joked around…she wasn’t afraid or insecure. And in turn, that made me mellow out a lot too. Although we were surrounded by people we’ve both known for years, I knew there was a chance they could get weird and start asking questions. I’d stressed about it the entire day, while the party was being set up. But I guess our friends knew better. They knew what happened was horrible, and that it was something neither of us would have wanted to be reminded of tonight. They knew it was a party for my girlfriend…for their friend that they hadn’t seen in years. So they went with it, they made our time relaxing and fun. I guess…I guess that’s why I can call them my friends.
Sadly, our little party in the back of the room proved to be the only carefree part of the evening. The second I decided to get some private time in with Kerri, the chaos had to set in. I really wanted to talk to her too…about what I told Madison, about…our relationship. I wanted to ask her if she really thought it was worth being with me, and …I guess I wanted to open up to her about Cameron and stuff. I know I have to, because she’s coming to the next show, and I have to make Kerri aware of that. Just because I have no respect for our relationship anymore, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost my respect for Kerri. The truth is, I still have a ton of respect for her. For…going through what she did, for…taking me by the hand and forcing me not to give up when we were lost in those @#%$ woods. Hell, I know I wouldn’t have made it out of there without her. I would have been too scared…too weak, and…I doubt I’d even be here right now. My Kerri is strong, and I guess at times I fail to realize just how strong she is. She puts up with so much crap…just like tonight.
I didn’t mean it. I thought I was done being violent and sh'it, especially since I crossed the line and hit Kerri awhile back. After that happened, I made myself promise that I would calm down…that I would start to wisen up and stop hurting the people around me. I guess I’ve been better…but tonight, I couldn’t handle Siobhan and her fu'cking attitude. She acted like I was some kind of a disgrace to Kerri and I hated that. The party had taken enough out of me as it was. I’d had to keep my fears and anxieties bottled up inside of me once all of the guests arrived. I wasn’t used to a crowd like that, as I hadn’t been around one since the VMA’s. I know there are crowds of people at my little shows, but its different then. I’m on stage, there is a wall of bouncers at the foot of the stage…I’m protected…
But I wasn’t protected tonight.
Yes, Tiny was there…but I chose to keep him at a distance from me, for fear of one of my friends thinking I’d gone psycho because of the kidnapping. It was all about my fu'cking image again, and looking back on it now, I feel like sh'it for acting that way. It wasn’t my night…it was Kerri’s, it was Trace’s…and I made it all about myself. But hey, what else is new?
Kerri looked so beautiful tonight, and all I wanted to do was be alone with her for a little while and try to talk to her. But once Siobhan came along I knew that it wasn’t going to be possible. I tried to be nice…I stayed quiet while Kerri gave her a hug and asked her how she was. But Siobhan had to start in…demaning me, right to my face. And then her boyfriend came up with that guy. That guy I didn’t know, and it really freaked me out. He was a strange man in my house, and hell…I didn’t know what his intentions were. For all I knew he could have been a sicko like Shane. He could have drugged me and taken me into a room and raped me. I couldn’t have that. I asked him who the hell he was, and I still feel like I had a good reason to. Siobhan had no right butting in…and it’s her own fault that I flipped out on her…
I just didn’t count on Scott reacting like he did.
I won’t lie. He scared the crap out of me when he slammed me into that wall, and when I was forced to go upstairs after all was said and done…I had the urine in my underwear to prove it. I felt like such a little pus'sy…peeing my pants, and I was thankful that I hadn’t allowed Trace to come into the bathroom with me. Of course, he was outside the door, asking me if I was going to be okay. I told him to leave me alone. It felt weird. I’d never told him to just…leave me alone before, and I guess I shouldn’t have been so shocked when he started screaming at me through the door.
First he told me I was ungrateful, then that I was a ba'stard. Then he started in on Kerri, telling me that I had no business dating her and fu'cking her like I was. He told me he was done with me, tired of my dramatic bullsh'it and that he couldn’t be friends with me anymore. Of course I was silent, I didn’t know what the hell to say to that. Hell, I was upset enough as it was…so I just let him shout at me until he got fed up with it and stormed back downstairs. I felt like complete and total sh'it after that. Like a failure. Like I felt before I told Trace about the rape and the cutting. I threw up…I threw up a lot, and I was alone. I was scared too. I thought Shane was going to emerge from the depths of the toilet water and vomit to tell me how gay I was…but he didn’t. I think it might have been the only thing that allowed me to stop getting sick, and for an other hour or so…I simply remained on the cold bathroom floor and let my body adjust.
Eventually, I’d calmed down enough to get up and go into my room, but it was stuffy…I needed to clear my head. So I went out onto my sundeck and looked up at the stars, hoping that somehow…they would be able to solve my problems for me. It’s been hours since then, and I’m still here, still wondering what the hell my life is turning into. I don’t know what happened to my party. I don’t know who went home, who stayed, and who is going to stop calling me after what happened tonight, and I don’t really care either. I just want to relax, and try to figure out how I’m going to explain my behavior to Kerri. I know I was an as'shole. I snapped at her and I shouldn’t have. I know that hurts her really bad…but I was so mad, and then I felt like she didn’t want to be there for me when Tiny and Trace sent me upstairs. Looking back on it now, of course I can’t blame her. She must have thought I’d gone psychotic again, and hell…I know I did.
“There’s a lot of stars out tonight.”
I know it’s Kerri, but I don’t have the strength to look at her right now. I know I’ll probably start crying again, and I’m done with that…for now at least. “Yeah,” I say, without much enthusiasm. “I know.”
“Justin,“ she sighs and a moment later, she’s standing before me. She looks disheveled, her face is tearstained…her hair is a mess. I know I’m responsible, but I wont admit it to her right now. Instead, I cross my arms, and look up at the sky.
“You could look at me at least,” she grumbles.
And I do, just so she wont turn into a hysterical mess of tears and ramblings of anger that I wont be able to understand. “Everything is fine,” I tell her. God, why am I doing this? I know what’s right. Madison even said it. I need to just…tell her what’s going on and end this, before I screw her up beyond repair. “Jesus,” I sigh. “Okay so…maybe it’s not but…”
“Just tell me!” she yells at me, throwing her hands up in the air, defeated. “You’re keeping everything from me, Justin…and I don’t get it! You‘re supposed to love me!” She sobs the words and points an accusing finger at me. “And lately it’s like…you don’t care about our relationship anymore. You hardly touch me…you barely look at me! And when you do it’s only because you’re depressed and you need me to make you feel like a better person. And I …I let you do what you want…” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffles loudly. “Because I love you.”
I sit up a little, and I don’t want to look her in the eyes…but my conscience forces me to. For the first time, I see what I’ve really done to her. I’ve worried her sick, pushed her to the brink, probably made part of her believe that I don’t really love her. And…I know I don’t completely love her. I love her because she’s Kerri…because she’s gotten me though a lot of horrible sh'it. But I don’t love her, like I’m supposed to love my girlfriend. Hell, right now, I can’t even consider her to be my girlfriend anymore. As far as I’m concerned, I ended this whole thing I had going with her weeks ago…I’ve just been too much of a weak idiot to let her know that. “Kerri, I…”
“All I ever wanted to do, since I was old enough to understand it…was love you,” she tells me through her tears. “And I let you take advantage of me that night in New York, because I thought things would work themselves out. I gambled…I figured you couldn’t turn your back on me after…something so deep.” She shakes her head roughly, and backs into the railing before sliding down to the ground. “But you did.”
Despite the fact that I‘m weak as hell right now, I manage to get up and stagger over to where she’s sitting. “You know that’s in the past,” I tell her, as I plop down beside her. “This isn’t about that at all Kerri. You’re bringing up sh'it that doesn’t have any place in our lives anymore.”
“Oh that’s right.” She let’s out a sarcastic laugh. “I forgot that you pushed that out of your head…and that I was supposed to do the same. Sorry that I let it effect me Justin…sorry that…”
I grab her hand and yank her upright. She lets out a loud whimper, and tells me to let her go, but I don’t. I’m not going to hit her, I make myself promise. I have to control myself right now…I have to. “Listen to me!” I yell at her. “You never listen to me!”
She stares at me, her eyes wide…full of realization and shock. It’s true. She doesn’t listen to me. She just worries, tells me how things should be, and expects me to follow through with it all. I’m not about to tell her I was put through more than she was, that it’s easier for her to adjust to sh'it. That, like what happened between us three years ago has no place in this conversation. This conversation needs to be about what happened tonight, what’s been happening recently…and the fact that…
The fact that we can’t be together anymore.
“I try to listen to you,” she sobs. “Justin, I’m sorry.”
“You’re fu'cked up.” I let go of her and lean my head back against the wall. “So am I.”
“But we’ve been trying,” she whines. “We’ve been happy. Just lately…lately things have been awkward. Trace…Trace told me about Cameron. I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t have told me, Justin. I thought I did something wrong.”
I sigh and rub my face with my hands. “He shouldn’t have told you about that.”
She wont look at me. “He didn’t think you would tell me. Don’t get mad at him, Justin. He was just trying to do the right thing.”
Trace is an entirely different subject, one that I don’t feel like getting into with her right now. There’s so much sh'it going on between me and him…if I started to talk about it with her, it would take all night to make her fully understand what’s going on. And I need to keep this conversation on point. This is about us, about me and her not being miserable anymore. This is about being able to move on with our lives, and that…that we can’t if we continue on this way. I know it’s her birthday, and it’s fu'cking ridiculous that we have to have this conversation tonight. Originally, I’d planned to show her a good time, and then romance her afterwards. But fu'ck that. I can’t handle sex…I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle it after this. I feel so guilty about it now, like I can’t have it ever again…because it’s just a cover up for who I am.
And I feel like I’ve been using Kerri since the day we kissed in my house.
“Justin, why aren’t you saying anything?,” she moans.
I look at her. She really is beautiful, and I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be that guy she remembers…the guy she wants to love. But I can’t be. That guy is long gone, he has been for years…since I stopped speaking to her. My life changed, and her life was supposed to change too. She was supposed to just…forget me, become her own person. But she never did. She’s still as infatuated with me as she‘s always been. It makes me want to run far far away from her so I don’t have to deal with it. That’s what I did before…but now, things are different. She was put through a nightmare, I’m the only one that knows how fu'cking scary it was, and I could never completely turn my back on her. After a moment, I kiss her lightly on the forehead, and run a finger down her cheek. “You know I’ll always care about you, Kerrigan,” I whisper.
“Justin…” Her bottom lip trembles. “Justin I’ve tried to be…”
“Shh.” I hold her hand, and look directly into her eyes. “None of this is your fault, okay?”
“We can’t be together,” she whispers.
I’m almost glad I didn’t have to be the one to say it, but then again…I know how much it killed her to admit it to me. I can’t help but pull her into a hug, and we cry together for a long, long time. She tells me she loves me, and I don’t tell her I love her. I don’t know what else to do. It’s over, it’s done. Starting tomorrow my life will change again, and so will hers. I just hope she’s going to be able to handle it. I hope when it really hits her, when she fully grasps the fact that she can’t just…lay in bed with me and hold me anymore, that she wont lose it. “I’m sorry,” I cry into her. “I should have told you about…everything. But I’m a coward.”
“No you’re not.”
Still, despite everything I’ve put her through tonight…everything I’ve put her through ever, she still defends me. She still thinks I’m this wonderful guy who can’t do anything wrong. I just don’t get it. Doesn’t she realize what an @#%$ I’ve been to her? Doesn’t she realize that I’ve brushed her well being to the side, simply so I could feel a little better about myself? I’m sure she’s realized all of that at one point or another…but she’s never allowed herself to dwell on it for long. I guess I can understand. Her family has withdrawn from her, her friends back in New York can’t understand her. That leaves Trace and me. And sure, Trace is a great friend to her and all…but I know she doesn’t look up to him the way she looks up to me. I know I have a responsibility when it comes to her, like she’s an impressionable child who I need to look after. That’s what those ba'stards turned her into, and it’s my responsibility to make sure she gets through it. And I’ll do it…of course I‘ll do anything for her when it comes to her comfort and safety. She’s free to stay here, keep helping me with work and @#%$, for as long as she feels she needs to. “Things are going to be weird for awhile,” I say after a while. “But I don’t want it to discourage you, Ker. I want to be your friend…I want to keep helping you.”
She nods quickly. “I know…”
“Look,” I sigh, and take her hands in mine. “Cameron is coming. I should have prepared you…but what’s done is done. Maybe you know, when she gets here we can all talk. I…”
“I don’t have any reason to talk to her,” she states, bluntly. “Cameron is your thing, and if you want to see her that’s fine. But please, Justin--leave me out of it.”
I don’t understand what the big deal is. I know that Cameron used to be my girlfriend and everything, but me and her…we’re way beyond any kind of relationship now. I can’t think of her that way anymore…I just want to be friends with her. After all, she is a part of this whole thing…she was there when I was messed up and she put up with me. Hell, Kerri has more in common with Cameron than she realizes. “You’re my best friend,” I say quietly. “And whether or not you think so, Kerri…Cam is a part of this. She went through it just like our families did…just like Trace did. I don’t understand why you can’t just say hello. I know she wants to meet you.”
“Fu'ck, Justin,” she whimpers. “We’re breaking up right now and all you can think of is Cameron, and the fact that I want nothing to do with her. Why don‘t you just say it? Why don’t you just tell me that you‘d rather be with her…”
I shake my head. “You’re twisting everything around, Kerri!”
She rises to her feet a moment later, and I stare up at her…angry, but at the same time I understand why she’s being so stubborn. She’s upset…she’s confused, and I know…I know she’s trying as hard as she can not to let her feelings shine through. But deep down, inside of her where she buries all of her fears and anxieties…I know she still loves me. She’ll probably never stop loving me, and I hate that…but there’s nothing I can do about it.
“I’m not twisting anything around!” She yells. “God…just forget it Justin. You’re free.”
“Kerri…” I push myself up from the ground and clench my fists at my sides. “Don’t walk away from me.”
“Justin!” She stops halfway through the doorframe and turns back to face me. “You can’t control me anymore.”
I glare at her. That comment was way out of line, and I know that deep down…she knows she’s acting ridiculous right now. “I never controlled you, Kerri.”
She doesn’t answer. A moment later she storms through the doorway and disappears into the house. I’m alone again. Something inside of me is screaming at me, telling me to go catch up with her…that she might do something regrettable if I don’t. But…I just don’t care. She twisted everything around, she thinks I don’t care about anybody but myself. It’s not true, and until she gets that through her head, there’s no sense chasing after her. So I’ll wait it out…I’ll move on, and get better. I just hope Kerri wizens up and decides to do the same.
Moments later I hear tires squealing across my driveway, and I lean over the railing to see who’s driving through my property. At first I think it’s Trace, but when I see my Escalade pulling out of my gate at a terrifying speed…I know it’s Kerri. That’s the only car of mine she feels comfortable driving, and usually she’s pretty conscientious. Right now though, I don’t know where her mind is at…and I’d really prefer it if she came back. I try her cell phone. It rings once and goes to voicemail. It’s off…she’s ignoring me. She’s ignoring me, she’s upset, and she’s driving.
My god…
What the hell have I done?
*********************
When my senior year of high school started, I remember Trace coming home in the middle of the enormous tour that NSYNC had been doing across North America. He was sick as a dog. I think it was because he wasn’t used to being in Europe for so many months, getting used to the water and the atmosphere there…and then having to come back home and adjust to everything again. I remember I skipped a couple of days of school just so I could be with him. Of course, my parents weren’t too thrilled about that, but they didn’t tear into me about it. I was a good student, I got good grades, and I stayed out of trouble, so they really couldn’t say anything. Besides, I barely heard from him as it was, as NSYNC had blown out of proportion that year and their schedule had turned into a round the clock chaotic frenzy. Justin had convinced the management to give Trace the title of his personal assistant, so he’d have a reason to hang around the tour instead of letting everybody deem him as a lackey. When I’d first heard the news I’d been happy for him, but a little sad for myself. It meant even less interaction with my two beloved friends. I was still leading a normal life while they were off gallivanting the world. But I tried not to be jealous or upset. In my heart, I was sure the time would come when I would be able to forget about school, forget about everything and just spend all my time with them…with Justin.
Unfortunately, that time is now. And unfortunately, I don’t want to be within twenty feet of Justin Timberlake.
It’s been a week since I walked away from him. Since that time I’ve missed two of his shows and I have no idea who took my place and got sh'it together for him. I’m sure it was probably Lynn, and I’m sure the woman hates my guts now…but I can’t worry about that. Like Trace has been telling me, I need to worry about myself, and I know if I’d succumbed to my emotions and showed up at the venue, I wouldn’t’ have been any help to Justin. First off, I’m sure we would have fought, and that would have made us both upset. Second of all, I would have been nervous from the start, and I’m sure I would have messed up something important. I’ve convinced myself I’ve done the right thing by staying away…and Trace agrees. But then again, Trace doesn’t really care what happens to Justin at the moment, so I shouldn’t be counting him.
I feel bad. I know I scared Justin the other night when I sped away from the house. But I was so angry…I just needed to get away, and taking his car and leaving was the fastest way to do that. I drove for miles, half crying, half in a panic. I wasn’t sure how badly my decision was going to effect him. Despite the fact that we broke up, I knew he still needed me to stick around. Like it or not, I’m still one of the only people he feels comfortable talking talk to…and I guess that means I have an obligation to be strong and stick it out with him during hard times like this. But I couldn’t help it…I needed a break, or I probably would have gone out of my skull. He made me so mad, disregarding the main focus of our conversation and switching off to Cameron. It was like I was simply supposed to forget that we broke up and welcome his ex girlfriend into my life with open arms. It just didn’t make sense…I didn’t know what his intentions with Cameron were. That scared me and so, I just walked away. Three hours later I’d found myself parked at the side of the highway, bawling my eyes out like a psycho. I thought about calling Siobhan, knowing that she would say ‘I told you so’, but also knowing she would be willing to listen to me.
When I turned on my cell phone, it immediately beeped at me, signifying that I had forty unheard messages. I listened to the first few, and naturally they were all from Justin. I could hear the pain and fear in his voice…he’d been begging me to come back, to be careful, to please call him. I didn’t listen. A few minutes later, as I’d been staring at my phone, debating whether or not to call Siobhan for advice, it started to ring. I groaned, thinking it was Justin…but when I saw Trace’s number flashing across the screen I hadn’t hesitated to answer.
“Where are you?,” he’d said, before I could manage a hello for him. “Justin called me frantic. He said you took the car.”
“I’m okay,” I’d whispered. “I just needed to…get away from him.”
He’d drawn in a long breath before responding with: “Kerri, please don’t do anything stupid.”
“God,” I’d laughed a little and wiped a few stray tears from my eyes “I’m not going to do anything, Trace. I’m just sitting here.”
“Meet me at the gas station on Longview,” he’d ordered. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“I’m not going back to the house Trace,” I’d told him stubbornly. “You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do.”
“I’m not taking you back to the house, Kerri. Come on…just trust me okay?”
He’d hung up, and I’d remained parked at the side of the road for a good fifteen minutes after that…trying to decide if meeting up with Trace was the right thing to do. I was afraid Justin would be with him…that Trace would make me talk to him, and I didn’t want to talk to him. But knowing Trace inside out, the better part of me said that he wasn’t lying…that he was looking out for me like he told me he would. So I gave in. Fifteen minutes later I found myself on Longview Boulevard, just south of the Sunset Strip. Trace was already there, waiting in his car…with Elisha in the passenger seat. Granted, it wasn’t Justin…but the fact that she was there made me nervous. From what I saw at the party, it was my understanding that they‘d had a serious disagreement, and I didn’t understand why she would have wanted to come along to greet me.
I’d gotten out of the car, and Trace had practically burst out of his and rushed over to me. He’d hugged me…for so long. He was rambling about how worried I’d made him, he’d thought something happened to me. I figured his paranoia was caused by Justin…that he’d blown the situation entirely out of proportion when he’d spoken to Trace about what happened. So, I did the best I could to reassure him that I hadn’t had any bad intentions by running off. Again, I emphasized that I simply needed to get away from Justin, that he was confusing the hell out of me and making me upset. After several minutes of this, Trace seemed to understand. But he made me promise to call him the next time I felt I needed to ‘run off’.
I realized that Elisha had come along so she would be able to bring Justin’s car back to him, as Trace’s plan was to bring me back to the condominium he’d been sharing with her. I was a little nervous. By that time I’d calmed down a lot, and I thought I might have been able to bring the car back to Justin on my own. But Trace wouldn’t hear of it. He didn’t want me to have anything to do with Justin for at least a day or two, and insisted that I get into his car so he could take me back to his place. I’d given Elisha pleading look, asking for a little bit of help. But she’d only sighed, and told us that she would see us later on. I got the feeling that she was annoyed about a lot of things…and I couldn’t blame her. So I let Trace have his way. I came back here with him that night…and I haven’t seen or heard from Justin since then.
The condo isn’t as cozy as I was thought it was going to be. The truth is, Trace has been packing up his stuff for the last couple of weeks. He told me he bought a hi rise on the outskirts of Beverly Hills, and he’s in the process of moving out of the condo. I sheepishly asked him if he and Elisha were getting some space from each other…but he only laughed, and told me that it was over…and that he knew I knew that. I felt bad, and I wanted to ask him why he wasn’t trying harder to preserve his relationship. I knew she loved him…and I knew she wanted to work things out with him. But I didn’t press the issue. It was apparent to me, that Trace was the one who wasn’t trying. Trace was the one that didn’t care…Trace was the one that wanted out. So if he was going to be happier on his own, it was good enough for me. After all, it is his life.
“So this is it.” Trace places his hands on my shoulders and guides me inside the empty apartment. “I know it’s pretty dull right now, and this hard wood floor has to go but…once I’m all settled in I think it’s gonna be pretty neat.”
I know he’s right. Trace is a whiz when it comes to fixing stuff up, making things work…making things look great. The place has the potential to become the ultimate bachelor’s bad, and while that’s great and I know it’s going to make him really happy, I can’t shake the feeling that Trace seems to be running away from all of his problems. This place is at least a hour from Justin’s…he wont just be a few minutes away anymore. Justin cant’ just…call him every time he needs something. Although, I know that’s Trace’s point. It’s weird. I never imagined that the friendship they shared could fall apart so easily. They’ve always been inseparable, more so than Justin and I have ever been. Brothers from the start…a part of me always felt I could never quite fit into their lifestyle because I hadn’t been there since birth. But now none of that seems to matter anymore. Trace is making it pretty apparent that he doesn’t care what happens to his friendship with Justin. It’s like…shutting Justin out is the only way he feels he can move past everything.
Well, as long as I’m still around for him anyway.
“It’s nice.” I turn to face him and force a smile. He frowns though, and I’m sure he can tell that I have more important things to worry about besides how nice his new place is.
“Ker.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and walks towards me. “I know you’re still worried about Justin, but please believe me when I tell you…it’s better this way. He needs to realize that you need to find yourself again…be on your own. He needs to do the same thing”
He reaches out to touch my face, but I quickly pull away from him. I don’t know what’s gotten into his head, but lately…all he ever wants to do is touch me. That’s just weird. I’ve never had a relationship with Trace like that. We’ve always been friends. Sure, he’s had a little crush on me from time to time…but neither of us ever gave it the chance to escalate into something more. It scares me that he’s trying to get me to…like him. I’d almost call him selfish, but I know that’s not really the case. Trace doesn’t like to admit it, but I know he’s just as scared of being on his own as I am…as Justin is. He likes to play the tough guy though, the one who’s got his life together, so I’ll trust him more or something. It’s all psychological, and really…I hope he’s discussing all of his feelings with Madison. But something inside of me is telling me that he’s been keeping all of this to himself for a very long time. “Trace.” I stare into his deep brown eyes, and sigh a little bit. “I think we need to get something straight.”
He bites his bottom lip and crosses his arms, a guilty look immediately spreading itself across his face. “Kerri I…”
“I know you’re scared,” I whisper.
He stares at me.
“Trace, please don’t hide from me. I can see right through this…whole act, okay? I know…I know that you think you like me…like, more than a friend ”
“Well fu'ck,” he grunts. “It’s taken you this long to realize that?”
I don’t really know what to say. I know he just broke up with Elisha, and he’s just…on the rebound. I know he cares about me very much, but just…not that way. He can’t care about me that way. I wont let him. Not right now. Not when I’m so confused that I could probably throw myself off the Golden Gate Bridge without a second thought. I open my mouth to give it to him straight…to tell him he’s being ridiculous right now, that he’s not thinking. But then his phone starts to ring, and I can’t say anything.
He rolls his eyes, and continues to stare at me for a few moments, debating whether or not to answer. Then he gives in, yanks it out of his pocket and mumbles a ‘hello’. I watch his eyes as they widen. He’s tense now, flinching slightly, and staring at me like he doesn’t know what to do. “Yeah…I mean, she’s been with me. Okay Johnny…yes, I know that but…”
I sigh. I guess I should have known this was going to happen. Justin’s tour and schedule have probably been nothing but a jumbled mess of chaos for the past week, and I know I’m the one to blame. Now Johnny’s fed up, and he wants answers. He wants me to come forward and take responsibility like I’m supposed to. I would too…if I knew Justin wasn’t going spazz out. If I knew everybody wasn’t going to hate me the moment they set their eyes on me. But I know that will happen, and so…the only thing I want to do right now is run and hide like a scared little child.
And I hate myself for that.
Trace groans ‘Yes, sir,’ into the phone and pulls it away from his ear, carefully snapping it closed. He’s lets out a defeated sigh after a moment, and I know his conversation with Johnny went anything but well.
“He’s pissed.”
I don’t meet his gaze. “I figured.”
“The past few days have been hectic, and he wants answers…he wants somebody to get the situation under control, Ker. And well…he’s telling me that you’re the one that needs to go down to the venue and give them all an explanation.” He shakes his head roughly. “But I know you’re in no position to do that. You need space from all of that. So you know, I can go down…”
I hold up my hand to stop his rambling. I know he means well. I know he’s looking out for me and everything…but I also know how it will look if I make Trace take the heat instead of me. They’ll all think I’m a coward, and that I’m selfish. It will stress Justin out more too, because he and Trace are going through something and I’m sure Justin doesn’t want to argue with him at this stage. It will stress him out…stress Trace out too, and I know I can save them both one hell of a headache if take this on myself. So I do it…I make the decision. “I can handle it, Trace. I’m going.“
He bites his lip and looks away from me. Part of me thinks he might cry, but I force the thought out of my head. “I don’t want you going down there and listening to their sh'it,” he mumbles. “They don’t know what you’ve been through. Nobody does…except for Justin and he’s not right in the head. Just let me go down there okay?” He forces himself to look me in the eye, and quickly walks over to me, hugging me around the waist before I can protest. “I don’t want to see you turn into a wreck again,” he whispers. “You’ve been doing better since you got out of his house.”
I tug away from him. “I ran away, Trace. I ran away when I should have stuck around and explained things to Johnny and Lynn. Now everything is a mess, and it’s my own fault. I have to go down there, and I can’t let you protect me this time.” I turn on my heel quickly, and march over to the door, hoping that he’ll get the point and butt out of my problems for once.
“Kerri, just wait! You don’t know how Johnny is…he’s way too hard on people when he’s pissed off.”
I turn the knob and swing the door open, taking a breath before turning my head to glance back at him. “I’ve been through hell this year Trace. You know…held hostage, being shot at and all that. I think I can handle a Johnny Wright temper tantrum.”
His brow furrows and I know he’s pissed; but I walk out the door and slam it behind me before I allow him to talk me out of facing this myself. The sound echoes loudly down the empty hallway, and a moment later I can hear him on the other side of the door, calling my name. I almost turn back too. A huge part of me feels horrible for leaving him hanging right now when he’s been sacrificing so much of his time and energy for me lately. But I force myself not to. Right now, of course, it’s all about Justin and handling things on his behalf. Even now, even though everything is a mess and I want absolutely nothing to do with him…I’m still driving myself crazy trying to make things right between us.
And I just don’t get it at all.
Author's Chapter Notes:
chapter was too long so i had to make a double post
Story Tags: justinandtrace
