Throwing Trace a birthday party has never been an easy task for me, but when you’ve known somebody as long as I’ve known Trace…it’s always hard to make something like a birthday more exciting with each passing year. The funny thing is, Trace and Kerri have the same birthday, so throwing a party for Trace has always coincided with a celebration for Kerri as well. When we were little kids, of course it was easier. Our parents planned it all out. We’d go to the Batting Cages in Memphis, and have that cool ice cream cake shaped like a big baseball. As we got older though, it was usually left up to me to plan the event. So, I’d book the closest nightclub in proximity to where I was at the time, and fly Kerri out for the week. We’d have fun, I’d take her shopping…and we’d get stoned with Trace up in the hotel room. Now that it’s been three years, I’m not so sure what she’d like to do; and really, I know throwing any kind of wild party at a nightclub is out of the question.
When Elisha and I were reviewing our options, she’d suggested the idea…and I’d quickly shot her down. She didn’t seem to understand why, but of course I can’t blame her for that . I told her if she wanted to do the club thing, she could do Trace’s party separate from Kerri’s, but she was quick to tell me no. She said that she considered Kerri to be a close friend now, and she wanted to help plan her party too. It made me smile a little, as Elisha has never been the type to accept people into her life so quickly. It made me want to agree with her…buy out a nightclub and throw a huge bash for our significant others. But at the same time, I knew the truth. I couldn’t handle that, and with all the alcohol around, I knew Kerri wouldn’t be able to control herself either. And I can’t have Kerri going back to being a drunk mess all the time. She needs to be focused right now…because if she’s not focused, I’m terrified of what could happen to her, that she might hurt herself or something.
After many hours of debating, we finally decided to have the party here at my house tomorrow night. We’re hiring caterers to do the cooking, and Elisha knows an awesome DJ who says he’ll play the party for free, as long as I‘ll sign an autograph or two for his kid sister. There will be no alcohol of course, for Kerri’s sake. While it breaks about a million traditions that Trace and I have held since we were old enough to sneak bottles of Jack Daniels into our hotel room, I know it’s for the best. I hope it doesn’t piss people off, but I guess they’ll have to understand. We’ve only invited about three dozen people anyway…mostly close friends and family, and they all know what happened to Kerri and me. Of course they’ll probably all act a little weird, watch what they say around me and my girlfriend, but I expect that. The fact that they’re even bothering to come means so much to me, I don’t care about anything else. I haven’t seen some of these people since the Justified tour ended at the end of august, and so…I’m a little excited. I know that JC is going to come, maybe Chris too. Our friend Nick is flying out from Memphis, and I even got Siobhan to come, despite how hard it was for me to convince the girl I was only doing it for Kerri’s sake.
The girl really is a bi'tch, and when I called her she made sure to list every reason in the world why Kerri should have been back in New York with her instead of in Los Angeles with me. I wanted to say a bunch of sh'it to her out of anger, but I held my tongue. I knew that if I pissed her off enough she wouldn’t come out for the party, and I really didn’t want that to happen. I know that Siobhan means a lot to Kerri as far as friends go, and I wasn’t’ about to let the fact that I hate the girl prevent them from seeing each other.
“Kerri would love it if you came,” I mumbled once she finished her hate speech. “I just want you to know that. So if you can make it, great. If not…I won’t even tell her that I called you. Sorry I bothered you.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to come,” she’d snapped before I could hang up on her. “You think I don’t want to see my best friend on her birthday, Justin? I’m not you okay? I don’t ditch my friends.”
I’d sighed. She was getting into things she had no business talking about. I already knew I’d fu'cked up with Kerri when I’d taken her virginity. Surely she knew that I never meant to hurt Kerri like that. But I guess she was simply being the overprotective girlfriend that hated to see her friend in pain. I tried to understand, but at the same time…I had enough problems keeping what little confidence I had afloat, without somebody else bringing me down. “I care about Kerri. I-I always have, and if you knew anything about us…how close we were, you would understand that I never meant to hurt her like that, Siobhan. I was scared…”
She laughed at me. “You were a wimp you mean.”
“Maybe I was.”
“Do you know how hard all this has been on her, Justin?”
I wanted to smack her. Didn’t she realize I’d been kidnapped too? That I’d endured as much as Kerri had? No, she didn’t know about the rape or anything…but that shouldn’t have mattered. Surely being kidnapped should have been scary enough in her eyes. “Of course I do. I was right there with her,” I’d grunted. “That’s why she’s here, Siobhan…so we can get through this together.”
“She’s still terrified,” she’d pointed out. “Maybe she tries to act like she’s getting better when she’s around you, and I guess that probably makes your ego bigger because you think you’re the one and only solution to her problems. But your head is in the fu'cking clouds, Justin. She’s just as terrified about things now, as she was in the beginning. Like, she thinks everybody is out to get her or something. I mean damn, she calls me sometimes at three in the morning, crying because she’s so scared. And I can’t do anything because you have her held hostage on your little tour or whatever the hell it is.”
I was silent. As far as I knew, Kerri had been doing a lot better since our discussion on the tour bus. She’d been looking a little better, smiling a lot more than she had been, and I was pretty sure she hadn‘t been having trouble sleeping. I just didn’t get it, and part of me wanted to believe that Siobhan was making all of that up so I would feel like a failure. But then again, I knew Siobhan cared about Kerri and she wouldn’t just make sh'it up to make me feel bad. She definitely wasn’t the type to waste her time doing that. “I’m not holding her hostage,” I whispered. “She wants to be here. I’ve told her that she can go back…”
“Oh yeah right,” she laughed. “Like she’d ever leave now, Justin. Can’t you see? She’s completely dependant on you. She doesn’t know how to make her own decisions or live her own life, because you’ve been doing all of that for her. She needs to learn to do for herself, Justin. And until she gets away from you, she never will.”
I’d gritted my teeth in frustration. Part of me understood what she was saying . She was right in a way. Kerri wasn’t all that independent…but neither was I. I certainly didn’t think I was holding her back from anything she wanted to do. I mean, I used to think that way. But after telling Kerri time and time again that she was free to go back to New York, and getting no results…I just stopped. I figured she was happy with the way things were going…happy with me, even if I confused her more than I should have at times. “I’m gonna go now,” I’d stated, trying to hide the emotion in my voice. Even though I’ve always hated the girl, I couldn’t deny the fact that she’d upset me. She made me feel unworthy of Kerri’s presence. Christ, she made me want to cry…and I felt like such a ‘wimp’, as she would have put it. “Maybe you’ll show up.”
“Oh I’ll be there,” she said quickly. “I wouldn’t miss the chance to talk Kerri into dumping your sorry ass.”
Then she’d hung up, I’d dropped the phone, and buried my face in my hands. Immediately, I’d regretted even calling her, and if I was stronger I would have called the bi'tch right back and told her to forget about coming…that she wasn’t welcome in my house. But I knew what the results of that conversation would have been. Siobhan would call Kerri, twist my words around to make it sound like I was the bad person…and then Kerri would have been upset with me. So I just let it go, hoping that when Siobhan did in fact arrive, she wouldn’t be so cold towards me. I figured if Kerri was by my side, she’d probably cool it, and I’d made a vow to keep her close to me the entire evening. Even though…I knew it wouldn’t be hard. Kerri has been so clingy lately, its been extremely hard getting her out of the house to plan the party, let alone getting a few moments to myself to veg out.
I need that sometimes…I need my space. The sad thing is, Kerri knows that. She’s always known that…from the time we were small children. She’d be over my house, we’d play for awhile, and then I would tell her it was time for her to go home. She was always confused by this of course, but she never asked questions. Then she would leave and I would go into my room for hours and play with my toys or just sit on my bed and think. I was different from most children. I liked to think, dream…create. I could never be bored, even when I was alone, because I would always have some melody or thought running through my mind. It’s not that I don’t want Kerri around…I do. I just need some time to myself to think about things every now and then. Especially now, with all this stuff going on with Cameron…
Cameron.
We’ve been talking a lot since that first night she called me. So much that I’m starting to feel guilty about it. I haven’t told Kerri…I’ve been too afraid of what she’ll think. I don’t know, I should probably tell Cam we need to cool it; as it is, I’ve talked to her on the phone every night this week. But I just don’t want to. It feels good to hear her voice and hear her laugh. It feels good to know that she gets me, that she understands me. Not that Kerri doesn’t…I guess it’s just different with Cameron. She’s older, more experienced and mature. She doesn’t take any crap…she gets to the point, no matter what the cost. I can talk to her…I think…I think I might even be ready to tell her what he did to me…
But I don’t know yet.
“You look tired.”
I stretch my legs out across the window seat, and I know it’s really stupid, but it feels so damn good to be doing this. The sun is shining brightly on the garden this afternoon, and it’s so peaceful…a world of away from the hysteria of my tour, flashes in my face, and strange girls calling my name. So peaceful in fact, that I’d put a stop to everything I have going on right now if I meant that I could sit here for the rest of the week, and rid myself of all the stress and anxiety that’s been building up inside of me. Madison’s right. I do look tired. It’s because I am. Thankfully, Kerri’s been sleeping so well lately, that she hasn’t been able to catch on yet. I’m not sleeping well…not at all. I don’t know what it is. The dreams…they’re so horrible lately. It’s not like I’ve done anything to provoke them. I mean, I’ve been taking my medication regularly, like I’m supposed to. But they come anyway, they keep me awake…and really, I don’t know how the hell I’ve been able to be so tired and still put on a decent show for my fans. I guess it’s just my way. I’m used to being tired and performing…not this tired of course, but I guess I’ve been put through so much sh'it these past few months, I’ve learned to put up with just about anything.
“I am tired,” I confess quietly, and I wrap my arms around my knees, hugging them closely to my chest. It takes me another moment to meet her gaze, and when I finally manage to do so, I can tell she’s concerned. “The tours been exhausting me.”
She sighs and leans back in her leather chair, beginning to swivel it from side to side. “The tour or the dreams, Justin?”
I suck in my bottom lip, and look down at my Nike’s. I wish I didn’t have to tell her, but I know I do. From the beginning, I’ve promised to be honest with her. To stop now, would defeat the purpose of coming to Madison for therapy. It’s not like I want to lie or anything, it’s just the fact that I’ve been kicking my ass trying to make myself better…and the truth is, I don’t think I’ve made much progress. Yeah, I know I’m not cutting myself…and I don’t get those horrible Shane hallucinations anymore. But I mean, it’s been months and I still can’t go out in public without freaking out, even if Eric and Tiny are both with me. I was having sex…but now, I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m scared of it again, and I just…I don’t know why that is. All I know, is that the dreams have been really bad ever since I cut myself off from having sex, and it’s confusing the hell out of me. “The dreams,” I whisper.
“What happens in your dreams, Justin?”
I haven’t told anybody….not even Trace, although, I don’t tell Trace much of anything anymore. I guess that could be a big part of my problem; the fact that I don’t really talk to Trace or confide in him like I used to. The Shane thing has caused our friendship to drift apart. He’s not he same guy, and neither am I. And I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about all of this if he’s not the same person. Kerri should be the one I feel safe confiding in, but when it comes to her…I’d rather just shut my mouth and let her have her peace. Despite everything, the guilt plaguing me about dragging her into the kidnapping hasn’t left me, and all I want is for her to be happy. I guess it’s a major part of the reason why I’ve been pushing myself to make our relationship work. I may not…want it to work out, as bad as that is. But I know Kerri wants it to. I know she loves me, more than anything, and so…I guess staying with her is the only thing I can do to make up for what happened to her. It’s unhealthy and I know that, but I just don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. Maybe it’s why I’m dwindling down, losing my strength. Maybe it’s why the dreams are back full force, and maybe…maybe it’s why I can’t stand the thought of having sex with my girlfriend.
“I’m tied to a chair,” I confess weakly, barely looking over at her. I wait for Madison to question me more, but when she doesn’t, I know that she’s waiting for me to continue. The soft sound of pen scribbling on paper tells me she’s taking notes, she’s letting me have my space…and I know there’s nothing else I can do except get into all the gory details. “And it’s dark for awhile, there’s no noise. I‘m sweating…” I trail off and take a breath before shaking my head roughly. “Madison I can’t do this today.”
“Justin.”
I look at her, realizing it’s the first time I’ve ever told her that I’m not up to talking. I’m slipping. I’ve been neglecting calling her as much as I should. The tour, and Kerri, have kept my mind so preoccupied that I’ve started to get out of the whole ‘express myself’ routine. It’s not good. Madison is the only person in my life that can’t judge me when I tell her what’s going on with me. She’s the only one that’s obligated to keep what I tell her secret from the world. What the hell am I doing? “I’m sorry,“ I whimper. “I hate to be wasting your time like this. It’s just…it’s been awhile for me, you know?“
She sits up and folds her hands in front of her on the desk. “Justin, you’ve been my client long enough to know that you never waste my time when you’re here. You come here to talk to me, to tell me things that you have trouble telling other people. Frankly, I’ve been a little worried since the last time we spoke on the phone. You didn’t sound like yourself. You sounded withdrawn and tired. I wanted to blame the touring, but I knew it was something else.” She stares at me for several moments, seemingly debating something in her mind, before she speaks up again. “Justin.“
I’m silent.
“Can I ask you about Kerri?”
I look at her again. I don’t want to bring Kerri into this conversation right now. I guess I’m afraid what I’ll say, what I’ll admit not only to Madison… but to myself as well. “We’re okay,” I say quickly. “This isn’t about Kerri.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “We‘ve discussed what can happen if you lie to me.”
I rub my face with my hands. This isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m supposed to be talking to my shrink. I’m supposed to be letting out my aggressions, anxieties, and fears. Why am I hiding? Why can’t I just fu'cking admit it? Why can’t I just tell Madison that the dreams keep coming because of Kerri and the fact that I can’t handle this relationship anymore? “I can’t have sex with her anymore,” I say lightly, feeling ashamed of myself. I tremble a little. I feel sick to my stomach. “And that’s killing me because…if I can’t sex with her, doesn’t that mean that I’m gay Madison? Isn’t it just like before, when I was cutting and I couldn’t talk to Cameron or touch her?”
She shakes her head and scribbles something else down on her pad of paper. “Not being able to have intercourse doesn’t make you gay, Justin. You’ve been dealing with so much at once, that you have no time to stimulate yourself or…prepare yourself, to do that. The truth is Justin, you’re not ready for that. You haven’t been ready for it since you were raped, and honestly…I don’t know what in the world possessed you to think you had recovered enough to start sleeping with anybody.”
I lick my lips and tug at the bottom of my tee shirt for a few moments, before sighing heavily. “I thought I loved her. I mean, I do love her…” I pause and collect my thoughts for a moment, before admitting the inevitable. “Or maybe it‘s just that she loves me and I want to love her…but I can‘t love her as much, or something.”
“You can love somebody without having sex,” she informs me. “You’re so confused right now, that you think sex constitutes for love. That…having sex can convince Kerri that you love her. And I’m sure she’s so confused that she buys into that. It‘s unhealthy Justin. It‘s unhealthy for the both of you, and the best advice I can give you right now…is to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. You need to be on your own for awhile, sort things out in your life, and maybe in a year or two you can try things again. But, if you continue on the path you’re going, the consequences are going to be horrible. You wont only damage yourself more, but you’ll hurt Kerri as well…and I know that’s not your intention.”
It’s not my intention to hurt Kerri. It never has been…but somehow, I’ve always managed to do it. I guess it’s because she’s always put up with me, even when I deserved to be shut out of her life forever. I guess I think I can get away with anything…having sex with her and not calling, getting her kidnapped, hitting her. Right. No other woman would deal with that sh'it. Is Kerri really that infatuated with me though? Am I it for her? Does she honestly see herself spending the rest of her life with me? Damn, I haven’t thought this through well enough. She’s…she’s so in love with me, that its turned into a sad obsession. And it’s horrible…but I know I don’t have those same feelings for her. Sure, I love her like any best friend should, and I love kissing her and helping her to feel safe. But I think…I think that’s as far as it goes, really. I mean, I guess I’ve stayed with her because it’s helped me to feel more secure about my sexuality. But that’s so selfish. I really should have given this a lot of thought before I decided to be with her again…sleep with her again. But then again, I am a little bit of a psycho. I mean hell, I’m sitting in a psychiatrists office. Why Kerri can’t see past my fake charm is beyond me…why she’s been putting up with me doesn’t make any sense. Hell, I’ve been acting like an idiot when it comes to us lately. She’s not a stupid girl either…
So what then? Does it mean she’s just waiting around for me to change back into the loveable Justin she thinks she used to love? The only answer I can provide for myself is yes, and that scares me. She’s become obsessed with making this work out between us, and I guess I know Madison is right. I need to end this…I need to end it before something horrible happens. Something I can’t go back and fix. Yeah, I need to do a lot of things…but that doesn’t mean I’ll actually go through with them. I shrug a little, and look at Madison again. “I know I need to do something. I know…I know I shouldn’t be in a relationship with Kerri right now, Madison. But I’m afraid to be alone. As it is, Trace is so distant now and if I didn’t have Kerri I don’t know where I would be mentally. What am I supposed to do if I break up with her and she leaves me? That’s…that’s why I wound up in here the last time…I couldn’t handle being alone.”
“The point of your therapy, Justin, is learning how to rely on yourself again,” she nods. “Now, I know you’re scared. I know you’re still insecure about going outside and facing the world. But…how will you ever overcome your fear if you don’t put that first foot forward and try to do it on your own? Justin, you need to realize…the longer you put this off, the harder its going to be to do it.”
“I know that,” I tell her. “But it’s not that easy okay?” I’m feel my face start to burn and my bottom lip starts to tremble. I’m losing it…I’m losing it but I guess it’s okay, because I’m in Madison’s office and nobody else is around to see how pathetic I am. “Every sound, every person that passes by me or brushes against me scares the hell out of me,” I whimper. “I keep thinking I can do it, that I can face the world again. But then I try, and I get so scared that somebody is going to try and hurt me again. I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry I can’t be strong like I should be.” I hug my knees closer to my chest and lean my head against the window. A moment later I’m sobbing hard, the tears travel down my face in thick streams…and I realize I can’t remember the last time I allowed myself to cry this much. It’s sort of a release…I even start to feel better, but I know this isn’t what I wanted to do in front of Madison today. I wanted to show her how much I’ve improved since our last visit, but all I’ve done is shown her that I’m even weaker than I was before this tour began.
“Take a breath.”
I feel her hand fall lightly on my shoulder, and I do as she’s told me. “Why is this happening,” I ask her, my voice quivering with every word. “I just want to be happy.”
“You will be,” she reassures me, rubbing her hand across my back in a soothing, circular motion. “But you need to give yourself a chance Justin. You’ve been through something that nobody should ever have to go through, and it’s going to take a lot more than a few months to feel normal again. You know that, and I wish you would stop trying to force yourself to do things your clearly not ready to do.”
I cry some more, and Madison sits back down and lets me. There’s nothing else she can do, really. These are my emotions and this is how I’m handling them for now. Another twenty minutes pass, and I’m able to calm down a little bit. I realize I need to tell her something else…something that maybe she’ll be able to help me with, tell me what to do. “Madison,” I croak.
“Yes, Justin.”
“I…I’ve been talking to Cameron,” I get out, praying that she won’t give me the third degree about it…tell me that I’m a horrible person.
Her eyes widen a little, and a small smile forms on her lips. “Have you?”
I’m confused. “You’re not angry?”
“Angry?,” she chuckles. “Why on earth would I be angry? I know it’s been awhile since you’ve spoken to her, and I figured that eventually…she would try to contact you again . I think it’s a good thing that you speak with her, Justin. She was a big part of your life, and even though you two broke up under stressful circumstances…she still understands part of what you were going through. I think it’s a positive step.”
She’s probably the one person that won’t give me grief about the decision I’ve made to see Cameron again. And so with this in mind, I take a deep breath and decide to tell her about my plans. “So then, it doesn’t make me a bad person for inviting her out here?”
Madison raises an eyebrow. “She’s a friend, correct?”
I chew on my bottom lip for a moment. “I think she might be a little more than just a friend, Mad.”
She nods and shoots me a knowing look. “You haven’t discussed this with Kerri.”
I shake my head. I’ve wanted to tell her, really, I have. But I’ve been so caught up with these party plans, and Kerri has seemed so happy lately that I haven’t wanted to spoil her mood. I know that makes me a horrible boyfriend, a horrible person…but I’m terrified of what her reaction to the news will be. I’m afraid she’ll leave me. I’m a fu'cking wimp. “No,” I say. “I haven’t.”
“You know it’s very important that you do, right Justin?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “But I don’t know if she’ll understand why I need to see Cameron again.”
She puts her index finger to her lips, and seems to consider what I’ve said for several moments. Then she sits up a little straighter, and lets out a long breath. “She may not understand, Justin. But, it’s not really her place to. Cameron is part of your life, and only your life. I know you wish she wasn’t, I know deep inside you wish Kerri and Cameron could have met and became friends…but the truth is, that’s not how things are. Now, you have every right to see Cameron again, and I think it’s a good idea that you do it. I’m sure there is a lot that you’ve been meaning to tell her, and explain to her. If you don’t do it now, I don’t know when you will.”
She’s absolutely right, but I still feel horrible. Cameron and I have been speaking for a couple of weeks now, and I haven’t even attempted to tell Kerri about it. Sure, I told Trace…just because I knew she bumped into him and I couldn’t keep it from him. I’m not sure if he’s going to tell Kerri, but he was pretty pissed off at me for not telling her about it, so I wouldn’t be shocked if he went ahead and did. It doesn’t really matter. I wont be mad at Trace, because I know Kerri deserves to know the truth. I guess I’m more afraid of how it’s going to effect our relationship. Like it or not, Cam is my ex girlfriend. Somebody I loved. Somebody I had sex with and laughed with and cried with. I cared about her…probably as much as I care about Kerri, and it scares me…but I’m deathly afraid that when I see Cam again, all of those feelings I had for her are going to come rushing back full force. “What can I do?” I sigh, and slap my hands on my thighs. “I can’t tell Cam not to come…I already said I want to have lunch with her a couple of days from now. I guess, I’ll just have to sit down and talk to Kerri about all of this.” I shake my head and rub my face with my hands. “Hopefully she wont walk out on me.”
Madison smiles a little. “Kerri loves you, Justin. I don’t think she could walk away from you right now, even if she wanted to. Maybe this will give her some time to think about what she needs to make her life better …”
She trails off and I know what she’s hinting at. She wants me to talk Kerri into coming down here, so they can talk. I’m a little surprised at Madison, just because she knows Kerri has no desire to come to therapy and discuss her feelings with a shrink. Maybe Madison just sees this as an opportunity. She knows my having Cameron come around will confuse Kerri, and she probably thinks all of that confusion will provoke her to seek professional help. But really, she doesn’t know how stubborn Kerri can be. The girl would lock herself in her bedroom for days before going to see a shrink. While that still confuses me, I don’t ask her too many questions about it. I know Kerri has her reasons for not wanting to talk to anybody but me. She’s very insecure about what happened to her, she blames herself for things that she had no control over…like the rape, and the fact that Shane held her over my head the whole time. It wasn’t her fault, and I’ve tried to convince her of this time and time again…but she doesn’t seem to believe it. “I’ll go home and talk to her,” I promise. “I guess…I’ve been holding out way too long.”
“You have,” Madison agrees. “But I think things are going to start to change for you, Justin. You’re going to start getting a lot better…I can see it, I know it.”
And I don’t know why, but somehow, I know she’s right. She’s right about me, that my life is going to turn around. And maybe I’ve just been so caught up in my own hectic schedule that I haven’t really noticed how much stronger I’ve become since the rape. Sitting here now in the tranquility of Madison’s office is allowing my mind to settle…I can sort of focus. And I think if I really tried, I could go outside for a walk around the block, without a blockade surrounding me, and be somewhat okay. Right. I’m going to be okay, eventually. I just need to focus on what’s important…and stop trying to fix everything.
But what’s going to happen to Kerri?
Author's Chapter Notes:
chapter was too long so i had to make a double post
Story Tags: justinandtrace
