He shrugs. “Maybe…I want to try.”
For the first time, I realize this isn’t really about me at all. Justin has always been the type to push himself. Always a perfectionist, he’s hated having a personal issue of any kind. Partying has always been a big thing for him, and because of the incident he hasn’t been able to at all. I guess maybe, I owe it to him to let him try this…but I’m terrified of the consequences. I know what could happen. The littlest thing could set him off, and he can’t afford to cancel a performance simply because somebody gave him a weird look or brushed against him the wrong way. I know it’s basically my responsibility to talk him down right now. If Tiny knew about this, I know he’d be the one talking him out of it right now. But Tiny isn’t here…I am. And I need to do the right thing. But looking into his eyes, I can see how desperate he is to do this…to have a little fun for once instead of hiding out from the world.
And I can’t just tell him no.
“If you really want to try,” I speak up after a moment. “Then I’ll try too.”
He half smiles. “Yeah?”
“Come on.”
**************
We went to dinner at a little place called Laurenzo’s. It was quiet for a change. Nobody bothered us, and for a little while at least, I was able to melt back into the old me. I did everything that a guy out to dinner with his girlfriend was supposed to. I pulled out her chair, I held her hand and spoke to her softly. I told her how much I loved her. Though, it really did seem too much like a corny romance movie at one point, and I had to pull away before I made myself sick. I felt like I was putting on a front for her. I was trying to make our night too ‘normal’, and I think she sensed that too. When I told her I loved her, she smiled of course, but she was quiet. Even before the incident…I was never that mushy when it came to Kerri and my feelings for her. She knew it, I knew it…and all I could do was sit back and pray that I hadn’t turned the entire evening sour.
Our dinner was consumed in awkward silence, the only interruption being the ringing of Kerri’s cell phone and a short conversation with who I could only guess was Siobhan. Kerri seemed annoyed when she hung up with her friend, but I didn’t ask questions. I was still confused about everything else, and so, I just looked down at my plate of food that I’d barely touched. I started to think what we were doing wasn’t healthy. We were trying to force ourselves to have a normal evening when in reality, we both knew it wasn’t possible. Despite the fact that Tiny was sitting in the table adjacent to us, I still didn’t feel completely safe and I know Kerri didn’t either. Every little sound, every sudden movement from a person near bye made me start to ask questions. What was happening? Was somebody watching us? Plotting to get us? I felt like a psycho, and I guess Kerri knew exactly what was going on because the next thing I knew she’d asked for the check and we were on our way.
The restaurant had only been a few blocks from the hotel we’ve been staying at, and it was no less than ten minutes later that I found myself back in the room with her. I felt defeated…like Shane had gotten his way with me again. I could even hear him laughing, laughing because he still had control over me. It made me want to punch something or someone, but then…I looked at my girlfriend. She’d given up early, and was crying in the corner of the room. I guess she thought the night would have been better…that we would have been able to enjoy ourselves. I didn’t know what to do or say to make her feel better. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what was wrong…I knew all too well. There was nothing I could do to change things, or make them better. So I just…went and held her. I didn’t say anything, because there was nothing I could have said at that point that would have calmed her down. So I just let her cry, and then I cried along with her…for such a long time…
So much for a romantic evening.
It is now three o’clock in the morning. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep all night; sweating, tossing, turning, and trembling. The dreams are bad tonight, but I’ve been using every ounce of strength inside of me not to freak out . Kerri surprisingly fell asleep in my arms around midnight and hasn’t awoken once. Even though I’m completely terrified right now, I’m not about to wake her up and spoil her slumber. It’s rare that she’s so peaceful when she sleeps, and I want that for her. I want her mind to be clear of all that fear and anxiety for as long as possible. Fu'ck, she deserves to be happy. I wish…I wish I had some kind of power to make her forget everything that happened to her, but I don’t. I feel so damn helpless most of the time, helpless and responsible. Everything she’s been through, all her pain and sadness…it was all caused by me, by my stupid wealth and celebrity. I really have no clue why she’s even here with me now. I know when she first came out here, she felt she needed to. And well, I know I needed her when I was suffering in the clinic and sh'it. But after I got out, there was nothing stopping her from going back to New York and picking up where she left off. I just don’t get it. What’s so great about me? Why does she want to love me and stay with me? Surely there’s somebody better out there for her . A guy that’s strong, and fearless. Somebody that wasn’t put through a nightmare…
Somebody that doesn’t have to worry about their sexual preference.
I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying too damn hard to just…forget it. I thought I was getting a lot better. I mean, I guess I am in a way. Every day it gets easier to deal with the concept that I was raped. I can sort of just accept it now…but I’ve come to understand that just because I accept it, doesn’t mean I can simply push the thought out of my head all together. I’ve been thinking a lot about it tonight. Lying here in the tranquil darkness has allowed my mind to drift back to what happened to me. I hate it…I can remember every little detail of what happened just like it was yesterday. Yeah, I know it’s only been a few months…but I’ve never been the type of person to dwell on things for too long. Even when Britney and I broke up…I only let it effect me for about a month before I forced myself to put it behind me and move on. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, people get raped every day in every country all over the world. Why should I let myself dwell on it? Why should I pity myself when there are so many other people in the world dealing with the same thing…worse things? I don’t know…
I just can’t get past it.
Our tears led to passion, and we started doing things around eleven. It lasted over an hour before we both became exhausted enough to stop. Kerri drifted off soon after, and I was left to lie awake thinking about everything. It was supposed to make me feel better, having sex…but this time it didn’t seem to help me at all. I kept hearing Shane’s voice, that horrible evil laughter of his that’s always been able to scare the sh'it out of me. I don’t know what’s wrong. When I first started having sex again, it was different…I felt like myself, like a man. But lately, having sex with Kerri has been more like work for me than anything else. I don’t know what that means. I guess…I might be pushing myself too hard. Maybe I’m really not ready to be doing all of this with Kerri. Maybe I’m just…having sex with her to prove something to her, or even…to myself. I don’t feel it anymore…that special connection that I felt in the beginning. It’s just sex now. Sex that makes me feel vulnerable and insecure inside. I feel like I have to do it, or else Kerri will think badly of me. It’s starting to not be about love anymore, at least for me…and I really don’t know what I’m supposed to tell Kerri. How the hell do I break it to her that really, I can’t be having sex with her like this? How can I convince her that I still love her even though I don’t want to touch her anymore? I can‘t do it…she‘ll think I used her. She‘ll think back to three years ago when I screwed her over, only this time…there wont’ be any room for a second chance.
Kerri mumbles something incomprehensible in her sleep, and turns over. A bare arm drapes itself across my naked chest, and I hear her sigh. I kiss her smooth skin softly, but don’t stay in bed with her. I’m restless now…I don’t want to fall back to sleep. An hour ago I did, and I found myself on his bed again. So, I gently push her arm off of me, and slide out of the bed as quietly as I can. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t watch the TV because I know it will wake her up, and I don’t want to have to explain why it is that I can’t sleep. I make my way over to the small table by the window and pick up my cell. I consider calling Trace, even though I know it’s midnight in LA and he‘s probably asleep. I know I could and he wouldn’t be mad, but at the same time…I’ve been having a hard time talking to him at all lately. I don’t know what it is. I completely understand why he can’t be here right now, and it’s not like we haven’t been talking a few times a week. I guess, I just don’t feel as connected to him as I did in the beginning of this whole thing. The Shane thing still creeps me out, and even though I don’t blame Trace for hiring him, I’m still having a really hard time dealing with it. Madison tells me it’s natural to feel this way, but…I don’t think it is. The guy is my best fuc'king friend. I need to just let it all blow over and tell myself that if he could have, Trace would have killed the bas'tard before he went and kidnapped Kerri and me. But just like the rape, I can’t seem to put what Trace did behind me. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.
My mom’s room is right down the hall, and I’m sure if she knew I was up she would want me to come down there and talk to her about what’s going on in my head. It’s been a lot easier…talking to her. Telling her about the rape was probably the best thing I could have done, and I wish like hell I hadn’t been such a baby about things from the beginning and told her what Shane did. But, I was understandably terrified of what could happen, and I held in it. Now that she knows though, things are starting to turn around for us. We talk a lot more than we have been, and the relationship we’ve always had is starting to take form again. She’s starting to act like the woman I’ve always known, and I’m more thankful about that than she’ll ever know. Right now…I think she’s the only person in my life, besides Kerri, that I feel completely comfortable talking to. Even so, I feel bad waking her up at this hour and so…I’ll just sit here and keep to myself.
I stare out at the early morning sky. We’re in Atlanta, and while its not the most exciting city, I’m glad to be here. There’s not so much hysteria here…the city isn’t as crowded as New York or Chicago, and it’s a little easier for me to put on a show knowing that. The smaller the crowd, the better the security checks are. There’s a smaller chance that some psycho could smuggle a gun in…or sneak backstage and drug me; smuggle me out of the venue. I sigh heavily and hold my head in my hands. Fu'ck. I’m so tired of being paranoid, not sleeping…planning for what I’ll do if I’m ever put in a hostage situation again…trying to keep Kerri unharmed. My stomach hurts again. I feel nauseated. God, I can’t afford to be this way right now. Really, I should try to get back to sleep…but I just…Shane and those horrible thoughts are taking over again…
My phone starts to vibrate, and it shocks me out of my confused state of mind. Nobody ever calls me this late anymore. All of my friends figure I’m too tired, too busy to deal with late night phone calls, and I usually am. Tonight though, I’m so confused and lonely that I silently thank god that somebody has found it in their heart to give me a call….even at this ungodly hour. I don’t‘ bother to check the ID, I just answer with a sleepy ’hello’, half praying that it might be Trace so I can ramble on and on about how terrified I am, despite the fact that things haven‘t been going so great between us lately.
“I know it’s late, Justin. I um…I don’t really know why I’m calling you. I just, I couldn’t sleep.”
I’d know her voice anywhere, but I can’t say anything. I’m in complete shock at the moment. Never in a million years did I ever think she’d call me. I figured it was over and done and she’d moved on. She left that morning without so much as a goodbye. And when I was in the clinic, she never came to see if I was okay. She never called. I know Trace told her what was going on too, and for awhile, I really thought I hated her. But thinking about her, about how much I used to love her, sort of brought me out of that stage. She was just as terrified of what was going on with me as I was, and she had no choice but to leave. If she’d stayed, I really don’t know how she would have benefited. I would have made her life miserable, and…I know I couldn’t have told her about what Shane did to me. But now…it’s been awhile. And as strange as it is, I’ve been thinking about her a lot more lately than I’d like to admit.
“Cameron...hi.”
“I shouldn’t have called.”
I sit up a little, stealing a quick glance at my sleeping girlfriend before responding. “Yes you should have,” I whisper. “It’s been a long time, Cam.”
“How are you?” Her voice is tired, but genuine and I know that nobody put her up to this. She called because she cares. She called because despite it all…she’s still a friend. A great friend.
“I’ve been doing okay,” I say. “Better than before.”
“I um…” She trails off and I can practically hear her run a nervous hand through her short blonde hair. “I ran into Trace yesterday. I thought he would have been off on tour with you but…he told me he was taking a break. I guess…it just reminded me of things. I felt like I needed to call and see how you were.”
I rub a hand across the top of my shaved head. “I should be asking you the same question.”
“Oh…” She chuckles a little bit. “Well, I’ve been okay, you know…just trying to get through this new movie and things. I um, I miss you though. I miss you a lot Justin.”
I can’t help myself. “I miss you,” I whimper. “And, I still feel horrible about…how…”
“No,” she interrupts. “It wasn’t your fault, Justin. You were going through something that I couldn’t understand. I…I said a lot of horrible things to you and I should have thought twice about it.”
It wasn’t my fault? Jesus, I hit her. I fu'cking hit her. Why is she telling me this? Why is she trying to make it seem like it’s not a big deal? I hit her, I hurt her…and I’ll never forgive myself for putting her through it all. “Cameron…”
“Trace told me, that you were in that clinic because you were cutting yourself. And I guess I kind of realize now why…you know, it was hard for you to do…things with me.”
I lick my lips. I guess that’s okay. I mean, she has a right to know. She knew I was in the clinic for something, and now I think enough time has passed where she should know at least part of the reason why. Just as long as Trace didn’t tell her about the rape, I’m fine with her knowing about the cutting. And I know Trace wouldn’t just tell her about that. He knows better, and Madison has explained to him what telling people about the rape could do to me. “I was,” I speak up after a few moments. “I was…going through a lot. Cutting was something that I thought was helping me, even though all it did was hurt me.”
“I should have been there for you,” she whimpers. “And I wasn’t Justin . I just…I didn’t get it. I was only focused on making it work between us and I couldn’t stop and think about all the shi't those people did to you. I wish…I wish like hell I could have just been there for you like I should have been.”
“Cam…”
“I never stopped loving you, Justin,” she says quickly. I know you think that I did but…there hasn't been a day that's passed where I haven't thought about you.”
I sigh and rub my eyes. It’s obvious that she still has feelings for me, and it’s confusing the hell out of me. While I’m happy she’s decided to call me, I know that she and I could never pick up from where we left off. I’ve started over, Kerri and I…we have something together, even though I‘m confused as hell about our relationship right now. I just, I don’t know if I have room in my life for Cameron right now. It wouldn’t just be confusing for me…it would confuse the hell out of Kerri too. She doesn’t know Cameron, she doesn’t know what went on between us or how happy she was able to make me when we were together. I was a different person when I was with Cam…before the incident, when I was normal. So different, and I can’t even remember that person anymore. “Cam I…I’d like to be friends, you know. But I’m caught up in a lot of things right now, and Kerri…Kerri and I…”
“I completely understand that you’re not the same person anymore,” she tells me. “I’ve just felt so guilty, not contacting you all this time. I felt it was what I had to do. If you don’t want to speak to me anymore, I can understand that. Just know that I still care about you, in whatever weird way it is that I do, okay?”
I try to think up a reason that I should cut her off completely, but I can’t think of one. She wouldn’t have run out on me if I’d simply been able to control my rage that night. If I hadn’t hidden my feelings, and my problems from her…hell, we’d still be together. I know we would. From the moment Cam and I started hanging out, I was sure she was looking for a long-term relationship with me. Not that I wasn’t interested. It was just that I’d broken up with Britney a few months prior, and even though I hated it…I still wasn’t’ completely over that devastation. But then a month passed, then another…and I’d forgotten all about my broken heart. I was focusing again, my album was a number one hit, and I was finding myself falling head over heels in love with my new girlfriend. My life made sense, too much sense. But of course, it was all brought to a crashing halt when my mother pulled me aside at the second to last show of my tour and told me she wanted to throw the Donovan’s a big anniversary party.
It was the first time I realized I hadn’t told Cameron about something important in my life. But it had been three years, and it was hard for me to consider Kerri as a big part of my life then. In fact, the only time I ever thought about her was when Trace would tell me about something she’d been doing at school or at home. It was almost like our friendship was simply on a temporary hiatus, and deep inside of me I was positive that I would have to face Kerri again eventually. But I hadn’t been able to talk to Cam about it. I guess I didn’t think she’d be able to understand my relationship with the girl I’d known practically my entire life. The sex was a big factor too. I didn’t want Cameron to think that I’d ditch her like I ditched Kerri. Looking back on it all now though, I know Cam would have been just fine knowing about Kerri. She was my girlfriend after all. My older girlfriend who was past being jealous and ridiculous when it came to other women in my life.
It almost makes me wish I’d made more of an effort to have Cameron meet Kerri after the incident happened. Maybe she would have been able to understand what I went though…maybe Kerri would have been able to talk to her a little bit. But then, Kerri is so stubborn about talking to anybody besides me, I’m not so sure how well she and Cam would have hit it off. “I never stopped caring,” I finally say. “For the longest time, I hoped you would have called. But when you didn’t, I figured I just deserved it. I’ll never forgive myself for what I put you through, Cameron. It wasn’t right…”
“You were going through something horrible,” she interrupts. "Nobody should have expected you to act normal, Justin...especially me."
I’m silent for a few moments. Now, more than ever, I wish she knew exactly what I’d been dealing with. Part of me thinks that I can tell her…that she’ll understand. But then again, I just don’t know. It was sex with a man, and even if it wasn’t my fault…I can’t expect Cameron to think that way. I can’t have her thinking that I’m gay, I just can’t. I don’t know who she’ll tell, and I can’t risk being the laughing stock of the entertainment industry. “You have no idea...how horrible it's been,” I whisper.
“Listen,” she sighs. “I know this is probably ridiculous of me to ask you. I mean, I know you’re busy with your tour and…with Kerri…”
I’m sure that Trace told her a lot more about what’s been going on with me than what she’s letting on. But I’m not upset with him for telling her I have a new girlfriend in my life, and that it’s Kerri. I’m sure Cameron would have figured it out eventually anyway, Kerri being the only woman I’ve been in close proximity with since she walked out on me. “Ask,” I tell her quietly. “You can ask me anything, Cam. I’d like to think that, you know, we can still talk.”
She‘s silent for a few moments. I‘m not entirely sure what she‘s trying to ask me, but deep inside…I have a pretty good idea. I’m not sure about it of course. I know it could mess up a lot of things I have going on right now. And Kerri…she hates dealing with anything new and different as it is without me adding to it.
"I guess...I guess I'm asking if I can come and see you."
I suck in a breath. I’m not sure what to say. Having Cam back in the picture could screw up a lot of things I have going on right now. I haven’t seen her in so long, and really…I don’t know what my true feelings are about her. Sure, she walked out on me but we never officially broke up. Our relationship was left sort of hanging, and I never really explained that to Kerri like I should have. She knows Cameron left me, and unfortunately, it’s made the thought that Cam never really cared about me form in her head.
I’ve never gone into deep detail about what my feelings were for Cam, with Kerri. I can’t. I can’t tell her that I loved her more than I’d loved a lot of women in my lifetime. I don’t know how it would make Kerri feel. She’s my girlfriend, and I don’t want her to get insecure…or feel like she can’t compare to Cameron, and I know that’s what would happen. Really, I need to tell Cameron that it’s not a good time for her to come visit. But, I can’t. I’m still confused about how our relationship so suddenly ended. I’d…I’d like to see her again, as bad as that is. But what do I do? There’s nobody I can ask for advice, because they’d all crucify me the moment I asked the question. They’d tell me I wasn’t being fair to Kerri, that she’s my girlfriend and that Cameron wasn’t a part of what happened to me and she has no place coming into it since she left me like she did.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she tells me, when I don’t answer. “I get it…I blew you off and I don’t deserve the time of day from you, Justin.”
She’s crying, and it makes me feel horrible. I have to admit, even though she hasn’t seen or dealt with as much as Trace and Kerri have, she’s still a part of this. She saw how scared I was in the beginning, she was there in the middle of the night when I woke up screaming and crying…begging somebody to help me, to make Shane go away. In a way, she went through a nightmare too, and I think…I think I owe her a lot more than just a phone conversation. I owe her an explanation. I want to tell her…why I really hit her. I want her to know, I want her to understand that Shane was a sick twisted fu'ck. But of course, I can’t tell her all of that over the phone.
“Don’t talk yourself down, Cameron. I want you to come,” I reassure her. “I’d…I’d love to see you again.”
“You would?”
She sounds shocked, but I guess I should expect that. How many guys would let somebody that had left them so alone back into their life so easily? Maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m too vulnerable right now; but I don’t care. It feels right. Hearing Cam’s voice again feels right, and it makes me think…maybe I do need her, for whatever reason. But the only way I’m going to know for sure is if I give in and see her again. “Yeah,” I finally say. “I would.”
We talk for a few more minutes, mostly about what’s been going on in our careers and stuff. It feels good being able to talk to somebody that understands all the crap that goes on in the entertainment industry. I think it’s one of the things I always loved about Cam too…that she’d been in the business as long as I had, and she understood how hard it could get at times. Not that Kerri doesn’t understand, she does. But I guess, you have to be in the business yourself to fully grasp everything that goes on. I think its going to be good to see Cameron again. Maybe she can give me some anxiety advice like she used to back when I was happy. I find myself smiling more than I have all day when I hang up with her. I find myself…anxious to see her, and I can’t wait until the date is set.
But when I glance back at the bed, it’s only then that I remember my girlfriend. She’s still asleep, peacefully asleep. She has no idea what’s just happened, and I’m sure if she knew…she wouldn’t be so peaceful. I realize I have no idea how I’m going to tell her. I think…maybe this is all a mistake. I even think about calling Cam back to tell her I have to think about things before I can see her again. But of course, I can’t make myself do it. I want to see Cameron again, now more than ever. And as bad as that makes me feel…there’s nothing I can do. This is what I want to do.
Kerri will just have to accept it.
Author's Chapter Notes:
the chapter was too long, so i had to make double post
Story Tags: justinandtrace
