It feels good to be out with my friends.  Even if I’m worried about Justin, and how he’s doing back at the hotel by himself, I know I need to relax and have a good time tonight.  So far, it’s been fun.  Siobhan brought Scott, our good friend Shondel, and a few of our other acquaintances out with us tonight.  It’s been good seeing everybody again.  My mind has been so swamped with Justin’s problems, Trace’s problems, and my own…that I think I forgot what it’s like to just kick back with friends have and have a carefree, fun time. 

When I first ran into Siobhan at Hammerstein, I was coming back from the stage.  Justin had finished his show, which had gone awesome considering the circumstances.  I’d given him a little kiss, and he’d told me to find Trace so we could go back to the hotel and have a little celebration of our own.  I did as he’d asked of course, but before I could get halfway across the dance floor, who should I run into but Siobhan and Scott.  It was awkward, I’d been paralyzed with the fear of her screaming at me like she had on the phone when I’d been in Los Angeles.  I even went so far as to pretend not to see her.  But when she called my name, I figured the purpose of her attending the show in the first place was to see me.  I’d turned around, tried to smile, but failed miserably of course.  Then I’d gone over to her.  Scott had smiled at me, but I didn’t smile at him.  Then I’d said “Hey.”

“Are you okay?”

It was the first thing she’d asked me, and I was a little shocked.  I figured she would have yelled at me, told me I was an idiot to be hanging around Justin as much as I was.  But she didn’t even seem concerned that we’d been fighting, she wasn’t giving me an attitude, and she wasn’t angry.  If anything, she seemed worried.  I knew that despite how much she disagreed with the decisions I’d made in my life over the past few months; she still cared, and she still wanted me to be okay.  After all, she’d been the one there for me all those weeks before Trace had called with his urgent news. She’d sat up with me in the middle of the night, when I’d woken up screaming from some horrifying nightmare, and she refused to leave my side.  I remembered all of that…I remembered that she’d been my best friend for four years, and I’d felt a part of me that had been missing for so long, come back to me then.  I felt like crying.  I realized how much I did need her, how much I’d missed her.  But I had no idea what I could say to let her know that. 

“I’m okay.” It was a pathetic answer, but it was the best one I’d been able to conjure up at the time.  “I…I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“My father has a friend,” she’d laughed a little.  “He got us in at the last second, and I knew you’d be here.   I wanted to see you, K.”

I’d managed to smile.  “Thanks for coming out.”

Then, as if nothing had happened between us at all, she linked her arm through mine and we walked over to where Trace was standing at the bar.  He seemed a little shocked that Siobhan was with me…but he didn’t point out the fact that we’d been having problems.  He accepted her as his friend, as he always has.  We talked, caught up on things that had been going on over the past few months.  It was a little awkward, just falling back into place with her like that.  But then again, that’s what best friends do.  They fight, stop speaking, and then…just like that, everything comes right back together again.  It was a little like my reunion with Justin, only not as complicated.  I knew that no matter what I did, how stupid I acted, she couldn’t stay mad at me forever.  Just like I couldn’t stay mad at her.  She would always be my friend, and I was thankful.  I know I need her…just to be able to talk to when I feel I have nobody else.  And I feel like that a lot.  Lately, more than ever.  I mean, I know I have Justin.  I’ll always have Justin.  But with the tour, and trying to keep our relationship afloat…its just hard ,and complicated. 

I can’t put all of my problems on him.

I feel horrible that Justin and I got into an argument before I left.  But I get really annoyed with him when he closes himself off from me.  I guess he does it because he’s concerned about my own feelings getting fu'cked up, but my feelings aren’t important.  I wish he would get that through his head.  It’s important that he talks to me, and tells me how he’s afraid or how he’s nervous.  It makes me feel like I have a real purpose when he opens up to me, that I’m not just some stupid girl from Tennessee that he happens to love.  If I help him, it also means that I’m not as messed up as I think.  I’m not a drunk, I’m not a mental case, and I’m not unbalanced.  It means I’m stable enough to care about somebody besides myself, and that’s all the reassurance I need to keep going…to do the job I’ve been given.  It gives me the strength to ignore how scared I am of the world and the people in it.

Right now, I even feel it.  This club is pretty small, and the walls…they seem to be slowly closing in on our group as the minutes pass.  I’ve been trying not to let it effect me.  I mean, it’s not effecting anybody else.  But that’s just because they can’t see it like I can.  They don’t realize how small it is in here, how confining.  Really, I wish we were outside walking through the city.  It’s so big out there, nothing can close in on us or crush us like these walls can.  I wish there was some way to tell them how much better off we’d all be if we went outside, but really, what the hell would I say? They’d think I was crazy…they’d realize how bad I’ve gotten due to this whole thing.  And of course, I can’t have that.

We’re on our fifth round of drinks, and all of my friends are having a great time reminiscing about things that are going on at school…at the parties on the weekends.  I remember I used to get a kick out of those stories, having been there to witness most of them.  I used to have a lot of fun at school.  Being here has sort of reminded me of that life…and while I’ll never admit it to Justin, spending time with my friends in the city this week has sort of turned back time for me.  It’s reminded me of who I was during that three year period when I wasn’t speaking to Justin.  I realize how different I was then.  How much more faith I had in myself…how much more confidence I had in myself then.  I was mad at Justin then, too stubborn to speak to him, and I was proud of myself for being that way. 

What the hell happened to me? Just a year ago, I was sitting in this very same club, with the very same people…laughing and joking right along with them.  Now, if I laugh I feel guilty.  The thought that something is wrong with Justin, that he’s upset about something is constantly nagging at me, telling me that I’m not allowed to have a good time unless he‘s having one too.  I have to stay focused for him, because if I don’t, he might not make it.  I’m the one…the only one that he completely trusts besides Trace and his mother.  And his mother, I mean…she doesn’t even know.  So really, that just leaves Trace and I, and well, Trace is gone.  So that just leaves me.  It just leaves me to do all the work, and I have to do it to the best of my ability and not feel bad about anything else.  Justin loves me, and that should be enough to keep me happy.  

Justin loves me, he was there with me…he gets it because he knows how sick they were.  If he was ever angry with me, I’d probably break down…lose my mind.  And it’s sad, pathetic…but I couldn’t survive without him either.  I think I’d die without him.  Is there something wrong with that? Do I love him too much? Is there such a thing as loving somebody too much? Yes.  It’s called being obsessed.  I’m obsessed with my boyfriend.  But really, that can’t be a crime.  Wanting to spend every waking moment with somebody, and obsessing about them when you’re apart just means your feelings are strong. 

I mean, right?

“Oh Shondel’s got the goods!” Siobhan cackles, and puts out her cigarette.  “Break it up girl…hurry.”

Shondel flaps the small packet back and forth in the air with a smile.  I take a closer look.  It contains a white powdery substance, and I’d have to be stupid if I didn’t know what it was.  It’s a well known fact that our little cluster loves to party with cocaine, even though I’ve never tried it.  Sio loves it of course.  She says it makes sex insane.  But she’s never pressured me into trying it, and I‘ve never really had the urge to.  I’m getting my kicks tonight with my beers and cocktails anyway.  Trace would be disappointed…but I don’t care what he thinks.  The alcohol is probably the only thing that’s keeping me from running out of this confining club and out onto the street.  It’s a never ending spigot of pleasure, and I have no idea when I’ll ever get a chance like this again.  When I’m on tour, I know I can’t go on a crazy drinking binge with Justin around.  He’s not allowed any alcohol and I don’t want to make him upset.  Of course, I know I’ll probably sneak a few beers in when he’s too preoccupied to notice what I’m doing, but I don’t know when that will happen. 

I sit back and Siobhan puts a hand on my shoulder.  We watch Shondel expertly pour the coke out onto her little compact mirror and start to form lines with it.  Then Siobhan giggles, and nudges me a little bit

“Have some with me,” Sio giggles in my ear.  “It’s a great stress reliever.”

Siobhan knows I drink a lot. While I was still living with her, she’d see me come home with a bottle of something or other almost every day, but she never confronted me about what I was doing.  She’s never been one to get worried about that kind of thing.  In fact, I doubt the thought that I might have a problem even crossed her mind…but that’s probably because she parties so much, gets high so often with our friends and her boyfriend.  Actually, she gets high a little too often, with drugs that nobody should mess around with.  She’s no addict of course.  Siobhan is very level headed when it comes to controlling her intake, but still…drugs are dangerous.  But since she parties so hardcore all the time, it doesn’t give her a place to tell me to slow down. 

The selfish part of me almost wishes I were still living back here with her so I could drink and do whatever I damn well please, without being harassed about it constantly.  But I’m sure that would send me down that long dark road that Trace is constantly reminding me about.  Yes, I’m sure it’s better that I have his ass around to nag the crap out of me about not drinking so much.  Without him, I’d probably be a drunken mess most of the time…

Kind of like I am right now.

“I don’t know,” I giggle, my last few drinks having completely dimmed my ability to think and focus properly. I finish off the last of my drink, and slide the glass away.  “I’ve had a bunch to drink, Sio.”

“Oh come on,” she rolls her eyes, and slides the mirror her way after Shondel and Scott do their lines.  “One time isn’t going to kill you.  Just see what all the fuss is about, girl.”  She hands me the small plastic tube that everybody has been sticking up their nose, and even though that’s a bit nasty considering all the crap that ends up in people’s noses, I smile and take it from her anyway.  Maybe it’s not so bad…it’s just once, and nobody has to know about it.  I lean down, and Siobhan rubs my back as I do so…

Boy if you want me, then you can have me, I want you to want me, and love me unconditionally…

My phone is ringing, and by the ring tone, I know it’s Justin . I know it’s pathetic, but I have a special song just for him so I can get all excited when he calls me.  I drop the tube, and Siobhan frowns as I pull my phone out of my purse.

“Who is it?” she groans.  “You should forward your calls tonight.  You‘re supposed to be having fun.”

I glance at her quickly.  “It’s Justin.”

She doesn’t say anything, but she does look upset with me.  I told her what’s been going on with Justin and I, that we’re a couple now, and no…she didn’t really like that.  Siobhan has no respect for Justin, but that’s because I talked so much sh'it about him to her in the past, told her what a selfish as'shole he was, that she couldn’t help but hate him.  I feel bad about it now, and I tried to explain that he’s really not as bad as I made him out to be; but she wouldn’t believe me.  As far as she’s concerned, any man that would take my virginity like Justin took mine doesn’t deserve the time of day from me right now, or ever again.  But things are different with us now…and she knows why.  With these thoughts in mind, of course I answer my phone as quickly as I can.  “Hey,“ I say softly, getting up and staggering away from the table so Siobhan can’t eavesdrop on my conversation.

“Hi babe.  How‘s your night out?”  Justin sounds refreshed, like he’s just awoken from a deep, peaceful sleep.  I feel the relief take over me right away.  He’s okay.  He wasn’t freaking out or scared, and he still loves me.  The argument we had doesn’t even matter anymore.

“It’s okay.” My vision is a little fuzzy, and it causes me to stumble a little bit when I walk forward.  I’ve had too much to drink, I realize.  Entirely too much.  It’s a good thing my phone rang.  With all of this alcohol in my system, I don’t know how well I would have done with a shot of cocaine.  Weird how he called just then.  It’s almost like fate stepped in to stop me from becoming more of an as'shole.  “I’m getting’ kinda tired though.”

“You should come back,” he tells me, a twinge of excitement in his voice.  “I need to tell you something.”

I lean up against a wall for support, and gasp a little bit.  He needs to tell me something? Tell me what? Is he okay? Did something happen? “Justin…”

“I’m okay,” he says, as if he can read my mind.  “I just…my mom came by a little while ago, and we talked.”

“Talked?”  He’s gotta be a little more specific right now, because the room is starting to spin and I can’t really concentrate that well.  Damn it.  I’m fu'cking drunk, and it’s not a good thing.  Not at all.

“I told her.”

Oh.  He finally talked to his mother about everything.  That’s good…really good.  I need to be like…excited I guess.  I need to show him that I’m proud of him, and I will…just, I can’t do it right now.  I’m too tired, and after a moment I feel myself slide down to the floor; my intoxicated body too worn out to support me anymore.  “Justin that’s really great,” I force a positive tone.  “I told you how much better it would make you feel to talk to her . I’m really…very proud of you.”  I close my eyes and lean my head against the wall. Tired.  I’m so tired and I’d love to sleep right now.  But I can’t sleep now . Not in the middle of this club. 

“Come back here so I can talk to you,” he pleads.  “I mean, I don’t want to pull you away from what you’re doing…but I just really need to talk to you about this.  It’s a big deal.”

I know this is a huge deal for him, and I want to be a good girlfriend and go to him and kiss him…tell him that he’s beautiful.  That he can finally start to move past all of this now that his mother knows the truth.  I want to do all that, but really, the only thing my drunk mind is allowing me to do right now is sit here on the floor, with my eyes closed.  I think if I tried to force myself to do anything else right now, I’d probably end up hurling all over the place. 

Sometimes I wish Justin were allowed to drink, just so he could know what it’s like to live like I’ve been living.  How everything I do is basically starting to revolve around a glass of Jack Daniels.  I always think, how can I sneak it on a daily basis? How much can I take in on a daily basis? If I don’t drink today, will I be able to get to sleep at night? If Justin finds out my true problems, will he still love me?  “I will be there,” I say, not being able to hold back a drunken little giggle.  “I will be there, and I will…love you.”

“Kerri?”

He knows I’m not right.  Hell, I know I’m not right, and I really hate myself right now.  Something major has just happened to him, and it’s like…I’m too busy being drunk to really care.  It’s not fair to him, and I know that…but I wasn’t counting on this tonight.  Our argument stressed me out, and the moment I sat at that table with my friends, I started to down as many drinks as I could get.  “Justin.”

“If you’re drunk I want you to come back here.”

“I’m not drunk,” I laugh again, knowing that I sound so far from believable right now.  “I’m fine babe.”

He’s silent for a long time after that.  I don’t know if he’s mad, no…no he’s not mad.  Justin doesn’t get mad at me really.  He’s probably upset, and really worried, and that doesn’t mix well with the stress of his own problems.  Trace would kill me if he knew what was going on right now.  He told me I’d do this…that I’d drink too much because there wouldn’t be anybody to stop me.  He’s always right.  Damn it…

I need another drink.

“Kerri,” he whimpers softly after a moment.  “Please come back here.”

“Okay…”

“Just stay there and I’ll send somebody,” he says.  “Okay?”

“No,” I say quickly.  “I can do it.”

“You can’t do it,” he chuckles.  “You sound like you’re a million miles from reality right now, Kerrigan.  Just stay there and I’ll tell Eric--”

“I can fu'cking do it!”  Now I’m yelling, but it’s only because he’s doubting me.  He’s treating me like a child, like I can’t do anything for myself because I’m so fu'cked up.  Well he’s wrong.  I can do it…I can do everything and I don’t need anybody’s help.  I mean, I’ve been handling my sh'it pretty damn well so far for somebody that’s been through what I’ve been through.  Somebody that was locked up, tied up in the dark…dragged out…slapped around, told she was going to die slowly…so slowly…

“I want to see the blood run from your neck,” he’d smiled, taking his knife and holding it under my neck.  “It’ll be beautiful, I think.”

I shudder.

“Fine, you can do it,” he mutters.  “I’m sorry.”

I run a hand through my hair.  The drinks are making me act stupid with my boyfriend, and it’s horrible.  We’ve had enough problems tonight as it is.  He was so happy a minute ago, so proud of himself.  His confidence was built up, and I’m sure he was starting to feel a little bit more like himself.  But then he called me, and of course since I’m a fu'ck up I ruined his mood.  Now he’ll worry.  Now everything that he accomplished tonight doesn’t even matter anymore. I feel like a big stupid moron.  But then again, I always feel this way.  “I didn’t mean to yell,” I tell him, trying as hard as I can to sound sober for him.  But all I end up doing is sobbing into the phone.  “I love you baby.”

“Stop crying,” he says softly, lovingly.  “Just get somebody to help you get a cab, and come back to me okay?  We need to talk about what’s going on with you.  I’m…I’m really starting to think Trace has a point about your drinking problem.”

Naturally, I’m not surprised that Trace went into detail about my little addiction with Justin.  They are best friends after all, and it’s only natural that Trace would vent to Justin about what’s going on with me, despite all the other problems the two of them have been having.  Justin isn’t insane…he’s not stupid, he’s capable of realizing that I have a problem, even if I tell myself that he’s not. 

I guess I just don’t want to believe that he’s stable enough to handle it, because then I really have to come to terms with what’s going on with me…face my problems.  And I don’t want to.  I just want to push it all out, forget about it.  Forget about Shane and Nathan and how fu'cking scared I was, how fu'cking scared I still am of the both of them.  I’ll never, ever forget about what happened to me.  And even though I know Justin will never forget what happened to him either, that the painful memories of his rape will stay with him until the day he dies, at least he knows what he has to do to move on and live his life.  At least he went there, at least he got help…at least he becomes a little more level headed as the days go by. 

I’ll never be able to do any of that, and I envy him for it all.

“Justin…I don’t know what to do anymore.” It’s the first time I’ve really admitted anything this deep to him since the kidnapping, but it’s only because I’m drunk and I have no control.  “I’m still scared.”

“I know,” he tells me, his voice full of understanding.  “I know okay? I’m scared for you. Just come back here. Come back and I’ll keep you safe.”

I try and force myself to get up, but I fall right back down again.  I start to cry harder, upset that I’ve let myself get this way tonight.  I didn’t even realize how much or how many I’d had.  Didn’t even realize how fuzzy my vision was becoming, or how muffled my friends voices were starting to sound.  It was all one big whirlwind.  One big blur.  And then the walls started to close in, kind of like they are right now…  “There’s no room in here,” I say to him.  “It’s small, Justin.”

“Put Siobhan on the phone,” he orders. 

“I can‘t get up,” I whine.

I hear him take a long breath in and out.  “Come on Ker, get yourself together and put her on the phone for me,” he says in a positive tone.  “I know you can do it.”

Maybe I can.  I try again, try to get up from the floor, but it’s no use.  I’m too weak…too tired, and I just want to stay here and wallow in my drunken state of mind for the rest of the night.  But Justin.  Justin, he needs me.  He needs me right now, and I’m just…letting him down.  I’m always letting somebody down.  Right.  And everybody hates me too.  My parents, Madison, Trace…

“Hey you all right?”

I hear a voice, but I know it’s not Justin.  No, it can’t be Justin, because Justin is rambling in my ear about how much he loves me and how much he needs me to sober up so I can get Siobhan on the phone.  Thinking the voice came from above me, I look up and realize that I’m right.  I smile because I’m right.  Maybe I’m sobering up a bit now…I have a sense of direction.

“Kerri are you even there?,” Justin’s voice comes back to me now, and I shake my head roughly.

“No?” The guy who asked me if I was okay is standing over me, smiling slightly.  He knows I’m drunk of course, probably thinks I’m a moron.  But everybody thinks that anyway, so I don’t care.  “Well let me help you up.” He holds out his hand to me, and I somehow manage to grab onto it.  Then he pulls me to my feet, and laughs as I almost fall flat on my face.  “Whoa! Careful!”

“I’m here,” I laugh into the phone.  “I’m here, Justin.”

“You’re scaring the sh'it out of me.” He sounds distraught right now, more distraught that I’ve heard him be in awhile.  I’m messing it all up…everything, and I need to get my act together and get back to the hotel before something really bad happens to him.

“I’m okay,” I try and reassure him, as the mystery man and I make our way across the club and back over to where my friends are sitting.  Funny…I don’t think I’ve ever met this guy before, but for some reason he knows exactly where I came from.  It’s almost scary.  What if he’s a stalker or something?

“Put Siobhan on the phone,” Justin repeats, nearly hysterical this time . “Do it Ker!”

Somehow, I find myself back in my seat, next to Siobhan.  She’s smiling at me, and rubbing my shoulder, giggling something incomprehensible to the guy that’s brought me back.  I don’t’ try to understand, I don’t even care right now.  I thrust the phone in her face.  “Talk,” I mutter, before resting my head against her chest.

I hear her on the phone a minute later, trying to calm Justin down.  She keeps telling him that I’m fine, that no…I’m not a wreck and that no, I don’t really  need to leave.  She says I’m having fun, and that he’s a jerk.  I need to stop her.  He’s going to be so angry with me.  I can’t take that, but I have no more energy right now…

“You need to get back to your hotel,” the warm masculine voice chuckles at me again.  “Don’t you?”

I look at him good and hard this time, and I was right when I said I didn’t know who he was.  I don’t.  All I know that he’s kind of cute, smart looking.  Short, neatly trimmed black hair with blue eyes; accented by a pair of thin reading glasses and a perfect smile that could make a girls heart melt in an instant.  Especially mine.  I giggle.  “My boyfriend is mad at me now,” I tell him stupidly, not lifting my head from Siobhan’s chest.  “I’m drunk.”

He laughs.  “You are pretty drunk.  What do you say I take you where you gotta go?”

“I don’t think I should do that,” I smile at him.  He is cute.  More than cute.  Hot.  Not as hot as my beautiful Justin of course, but hot all the same.  I reach out and touch his face, just to make sure he’s really there.  He is.  That makes me happy.  “You might be dangerous,” I whisper.

“Listen as'shole! You got her into this mess…”

Siobhan is yelling at Justin and that’s a really bad thing.  I reach up and try to take the phone away, but she moves slightly so I just miss it.  Damn it.  “Sio,” I whine.  “Please…”

“Is that your boyfriend?” The man speaks up.

I give him a pathetic nod.  “He’s going to be so mad at me.”

He sighs, and leans over me. “Sio come on, you’re fu'cking stoned…give me the phone.”

“No way! Get the hell out of here Cooper.”

Cooper is a nice name.

I hear a scuffle, and then Cooper is sitting back down again, my phone to his ear.  “She’s okay.  No I didn’t touch her.  Man, you’re a little off huh?” He laughs.  “No, I don’t know who I’m dealing with.  Should I co'ck sucker?”

Uh oh.

“Your boyfriend is a fu'cking prick,” Siobhan mutters in my ear.  “I don’t know what the hell you were thinking, running off to save his ass from whatever terrible things were happening to him, K.  He has no respect for anybody.  You know what he said to me? He said I was a ….”

I tune her out because I can’t deal with her opinions right now.  She doesn’t know Justin like I know him, not at all.  Nobody does.  I’m the only one that understands why he’s freaking out right now.  He doesn’t want anything to happen to me.  I’m letting him down…I’m letting everybody down.  “I want to go,” I whimper.  “Sio…”

“I am not bringing you back to his psycho ass, K.  No way.”

“Ten minutes if I speed…” I hear Cooper say loudly.  “God, now you don’t want me to speed…fine.  Okay, just calm down.  I’ll get her back to you man.  Yes, I understand.  No…god, what are you talking about? Hello…hello?”  He pulls the phone away from his ear, stares at it, then starts to laugh.  “Wow.  Never thought I’d have a conversation like that in my lifetime.”

I feel my eyes begin to droop.  “Is he mad?,” I whimper.

“Who cares,” Siobhan says.  “Just stay with me the night.”

“He’s not mad,” Cooper the Hottie reassures me.  “He’s obviously crazy about you, and he just wants to make sure you get back okay.  I told him I’d take you back,” he pauses and chuckles a bit.  “And he didn’t really like that idea, but I know Siobhan won’t take you…so I will.”

Of course Justin wouldn’t want some strange fellow like Cooper the Hottie to take me back.  He’s a guy, and Justin doesn’t even trust guys around himself, let alone his girlfriend.  If I take a ride with him, who knows what could happen?  What if he’s Shane’s long lost brother who’s come back to take revenge on Justin and I? What if he’s an as'shole that rapes people? What if he’s some kind of serial killer? 

“K, do you want to go with Cooper?” I hear Siobhan say.

I don’t really know what the hell I want to do.  I know Justin needs me to go back to the hotel, but I’m not sure if I want to face him right now.  I’m sure he’s upset with me.  He’s a mess, and I’m a mess too.  I wont be able to talk to him like I should, and things will turn into an even bigger mess all too quickly.  What I should really do is take Sio’s advice; just stay with her for the night and go back to Justin in the morning.  But if I do that…I might not have my beautiful Justin to go back to.  And I can’t risk that.  “Yes.” I whisper.

She sighs.  “Are you sure that’s not the alcohol talking?”  She sniffs, and wipes at her nose a little bit. 

“Yes.”

“Come on.”  Cooper helps me up with a polite smile, and I hear him promise our group of friends that he’ll get me back safe, before guiding me to the club’s exit.  He doesn’t let go of me as we make our way to his sleek looking Jaguar, and after yanking opening the passenger door, he gently lowers me into the seat.

 I smile up at him like a fool as he buckles me in.  “You’re nice.”

He chuckles.  “Thanks.  Just don’t puke on the leather, all right?”

“I’ll try hard not to.”

I close my eyes.  A moment later I hear a slam, the car roars to life, and the radio begins to blare softly.  Thankfully I don’t feel sick, and I know I won’t puke all over Coopers expensive leather interior.  That’ s a good thing.  I don’t want him to remember me as ‘that girl who puked in my car’.  Not that it matters what he thinks of me anyway.  It’s not like I’m going to see him ever again.  After tonight, I doubt Justin would allow it. Oh god…he’s going to be such a overprotective ass after tonight, I know it.  He’s not going to want me to go anywhere without him.  He’s going to tell me I drink too much, that I’m messing sh'it up, and then Trace will call and tell me the same thing.  I guess shouldn‘t be complaining.  I mean, I brought this on myself, made Justin worry…and I should have to pay the price, even if it means being treated like a child.  I don’t care.  All that really matters is that Justin isn’t mad…that he still loves me.

“So your boyfriend, is he a big guy?” Cooper asks me, after several minutes of uninterrupted silence. 

I open my eyes and look over at him.  It’s strange, for some reason being around Cooper is making me feel safer than I’ve felt all night.  Like, just being in his car with him is reassuring.  Even though I don’t know him at all, I know he would never let anything happen to me.  He’d fight back if they came and tried to harm me again, I just know he would.  It almost makes me want to get to know him better, ask him where he’s from and how he knows my friends so well…but I know I can’t do that.  I have no place in my life for somebody like him.  Justin wouldn’t be able to tolerate some strange guy come around, trying to be my friend. He doesn’t trust anybody.  Not that I do either, but, I think I have a little more faith in people than he does.  Justin wouldn’t be able to talk to Cooper, because he’s a guy…while I have no problem taking a ride from him.  I guess it’s what makes us different.  I guess we both have our little things that we can and can’t do right now.  “Don’t worry,” I sigh.  “He probably won’t be outside when we pull up.”

“Good.  Because I’d hate to have a black eye before I go home to my folks,” he laughs.  “Fighting isn’t my forte.”

He continues to try and make small talk, probably because he’s nervous, but I don’t really pay attention.  I’m too concerned about getting back to Justin, what he’s going to do and say to me once I walk through that door.  I don’t want to be screamed at, but I’m almost certain that’s what’s going to happen.  Justin is impossible when he’s nervous and upset…I should know.  He’s done so much sh'it to me… it makes me wonder why I take it, why I love him so damn much.  But I know why.  It’s because I’ve always felt this way, worked so hard over the years to get him to love me back.  Now I finally have everything I’ve always wanted, and I’m terrified of losing that…losing him.  So I’ll just go with it, take whatever he wants to dish out, and hope that it all blows over in the end…that we’ll end up kissing and going to bed.  Then we’ll both feel better…I know it.

We pull up to the Ritz Carlton about ten minutes later, and I force myself to sit up so I can see who, if anybody, is waiting for me.  I groan when I see Tiny standing there, a disgruntled, angry expression resting on his face.  He’s angry because I’ve upset Justin.  I try not to care…but I can’t shrug the guilty feeling away.  I know it’s Tiny’s job to look out for Justin and keep him calm, especially now.  He doesn’t have to respect me, or like me or anything like that.  He has to tolerate me for Justin’s sake…but that’s all.  And I know that’s exactly what he does now that this has all happened.  He tolerates me, he doesn’t like me…he wishes I would go home so Justin wouldn’t dwell on the past. 

But I wont leave.  I’m not going anywhere, and I wish things could be like they were before . Tiny used to like me.  We used to talk about a lot of things when I would come around.  But once Justin and I stopped speaking, I lost touch with Tiny too.  I guess he felt that I didn’t care, and I’m sure it’s why I’ve been receiving such an attitude from him since the kidnapping happened.  But I wish things didn’t have to be this way.  I wish he could understand everything that’s happened between Justin and I, understand how much I’ve changed over the years.

But then again, I’m sure he has far more important things to worry about besides me.

“Thanks for the ride,” I tell Cooper, as I quickly unbuckle my seatbelt.  “I um…I know I was acting a little out of it back there.”

“Hey it’s not a problem,” he flashes me another polite smile, before opening his door.  “You just needed a hand.  I wouldn’t have let Siobhan’s stoned ass take you anywhere.”

I shrug.  “Just…thank you,” I tell him again.  I don’t really know what else to say.  This whole thing is awkward, being driven back to my hotel by a guy I don’t know at all.  God, what was I thinking about? If Justin sees him he’ll freak out.  “Bye, Cooper.” I say it quickly and get out of the car even quicker. 

I hear a door slam as I start heading toward the hotel, and whimper a little.  He‘s following me now.  This can‘t be good.

“Hey, at least let me walk you up,” he says, once he catches up with me.  “Wouldn’t want you to fall again,” he laughs.

I know I’m staggering a little bit, and my mind…it’s still a bit clouded from all the alcohol in my system.  But I’m getting there.  I don’t need his help.  I can’t take his help.  “I’m okay,” I tell him.  “Bye, Cooper.”

“I’m not letting you go by yourself,” he says, his expression stern, stubborn.  “You’re still drunk.  Who knows what could happen.”

I want to scream at him to get away from me, but I know that isn’t the best idea right now.  Tiny would think something was really wrong, end up punching Cooper or calling the police.  A bigger mess is something I don’t want or need right now.  And Cooper is innocent…just trying to help out.  It’s not like I don’t appreciate it either…but he just has no idea.  He doesn’t know who I am, who my boyfriend is…and he can’t know, because he just wont understand.  “Please,” I whisper.  “I need you to go, okay?”

His brow furrows slightly.  He’s confused, but that’s only natural.  He opens his mouth to say something…probably to question me about my life, about Justin, about things that I can’t talk about.  But then I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I jump a little bit and whirl around.  It’s Tiny, and for a moment I’m relieved…but the feeling is short lived.

“Who’s this?”  It’s the first thing he says to me.  He looks past me as he says the words, and sends Cooper and menacing glare.

“I was drinking,” I whisper, not meeting the burly mans gaze.  “He drove me.”

“Cooper,” I hear him say, and a moment later he’s beside me, sticking a hand out for Tiny to shake.  “And you are?”

But Tiny doesn’t shake his hand, or acknowledge his question. He only looks at me, obviously pissed off that I‘ve brought more trouble to the scene, and I know it’s not a good thing.  “You and I need to have a talk,” he tells me.

And I nod, because I guess I knew this was going to happen.  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

He places a protective grip on my upper arm and starts to lead me away, like I’m some sort of child.  If I wasn’t a weak idiot, I would pull away and tell him where to get off.  But I’m too angry with myself to care what he does to me right now.  I just want to go back upstairs, try to salvage what’s left of my relationship, and hopefully pass out afterwards.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” I hear Cooper call out, just as the doorman opens the door for Tiny and I.

“Girl you better get his ass out of your business,” Tiny warns me, releasing me from his grasp. “Justin’s gonna be pissed.”

Like I don’t know that.  I sigh, and turn back to face Cooper again.  “I’m okay,” I say, forcing a positive smile.  “Thanks again for the ride.”

“Are you…”

“Thanks again.”  I rush inside before he can get another word in, and release a long breath when the door closes behind me.  I’m safe again.  Well, as safe as I can be anyway.  But it doesn’t mean that the drama is over.  As it is, I still have to face Justin, and now my head is starting pound…hard.  I’m nauseous too, queasy.  I need a bed and a bucket to puke in.  The room starts to tilt slightly, first to the right then to the left…

“Whoa….whoa.” Tiny catches me moments before I can fall down to the floor and embarrass myself.  For the first time since I got back, I’m actually thankful he’s here.  He’s strong enough to support me as we make our way to the elevator, and I know if he wasn’t here I’d probably be puking all over the lobby carpet right now.

The elevator ride is long and silent.  While I know that Tiny is staring at me, displeased and angry, I can’t even look at him.  No, because if I move my head I’m likely to vomit all over his expensive Armani business suit.  So I force myself to stand flat against the back wall of the elevator, never more thankful for the ding and the opening of the doors when we reach our floor.  Tiny holds onto me again of course, as we make our way down the seemingly endless hallway, and back to the room Justin and I have been sharing.  I see Eric stationed in his usual spot by the door, but I barely notice if he looks at me funny as Tiny pulls out his spare key and slides it through the reader.  Then the door opens…I feel the cool burst of air conditioning hit me right in the face…and it feels absolutely wonderful…

“Sh'it, Tiny.”

I’m pretty sure it’s Justin’s voice, and because of this, my knees turn to jelly and I find that I can’t take another step on my own.  I hope that Tiny will drag me the rest of the way, but that doesn’t happen and before I know what’s happening, I’m falling.  I’m falling fast, hard, right to the floor.  I hold my breath as I wait for my body to collide forcefully with the hard wood but it never happens.  I feel somebody grab me just in time…I smell that rustic sweet smelling cologne of his.  “Justin,” I mumble and smile stupidly.  “I love you.”

“I know,” I hear him say.

Then I’m asleep.