Three days later

I’ve never been so happy to have a day to myself before.  Granted, this isn’t my house, this isn’t my bed, and I don’t have my kick ass alarm system here that’s armed and ready to alert me of any terrors lurking near bye.  But, Eric is sitting outside my door with a magazine, making sure nobody comes to my room that I haven’t invited up.  In an hour or so, he’ll switch off with Tiny, and Tiny will sit outside my door for five more hours before asking me if I want to go get dinner with him.  Maybe I will tonight.  I think I might like to have a normal sit down dinner with the guy for once.  We haven’t done it much since Shane happened, but I’d really like to.  I can talk to the guy, and he listens…and that’s all I need sometimes; somebody that simply listens and doesn’t speak unless I want them to.

But if Tiny is sitting there, listening to me ramble about how fu'cked up I am, how will he be ready to fight back if somebody tries to get me?

No…I’ll just tell him I’d rather eat in tonight.

I honestly don’t know how the hell I made it through the other night.  I was sick; puking and sh'it.  I heard Shane’s voice; his dark, evil, horrible laughter in my head…but I made it.  I made it through sound check, I made it through the interviews…even that really bad one right before we went inside.  I made it past my acquaintances and old friends with a smile, not giving anything away.  I found that I’m still able to do it…hide the truth about myself from people, despite the fact that my shrink did everything in her power to get me out of that habit. 

I called Madison this morning and told her all about it.  Naturally she was disappointed in me, and told me that really, its not healthy that I kept all that inside of me all night long.  She also told me I shouldn’t have walked the carpet either, but what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just ignore the media, and my fans.  They’d all think I was a coward, or a stuck up as'shole.  I can’t afford to have that kind of press right now…not with Justified’s success and all.  I told her all of that too, and she seemed to understand, but she still sounded worried.  I tried to convince her that I was okay, that the night had just been a big step for me and I guess I wasn’t as prepared as I thought…leaving out the part about me freaking out because Kerri had ran off to the bathroom, of course.

“Justin,” she’d sighed her infamous sigh.  “You realize even though we discussed and agreed that you could tour, you’re still not cured, don’t you? It’s not as if you simply left here, sat in your house for a week or two and got past everything.  I hope that’s not what the people around you are trying to make you think.  If that’s the case, I’ll come out there myself and set them straight.”

I knew she would.  It’s why I put so much faith in her in the first place.  She cares about me, how I’m coping. And I know she’d do anything for me…regardless of the time or place.  A  small part of me wanted to crack then; break down and tell her I needed her more than she knew, but I wouldn’t allow myself to do it.  I’ve said it before, to everybody…I don’t want a shrink out here with me.  I’m afraid of what it will do to my image if somebody finds out…like a fan or a DJ or something.  They’d start asking me too many questions that I know I can’t answer right now, and so…I’ll deal.  I’ll call Madison when I really have to…when nobody else is around to see me do it, just so they wont get the wrong idea.  I’ll be okay.  As long as Kerri is here to hold my hand and reassure me that I‘m not gay and I‘m not a freak, I‘m sure I‘ll be okay. 

“No really, I’ll be okay, Madison.  I don’t need you coming out here,” I’d said quickly.  “Just knowing that I can call you whenever, helps me.  When I come back out to LA, I’ll come see you…maybe we can talk.”

“You sound jumpy,” she’d pointed out, and I felt like a fool for trying to keep my feelings hidden from her.  If I’d learned anything from our sessions together, it was that she could see right through me, hear right through my pathetic attempts at a carefree tone.  “Really, Justin, if you’re not comfortable you need to tell somebody.  I know that a lot is at stake with you and your career, and you feel like you cant cancel the tour because you’ll be letting people down.  But you need to  realize that none of that matters right now.  The only thing that matters is you…putting your well being first, please understand that.  All the money in the world means nothing unless you’re healthy.”

Everything she said had a point, and by the end of the conversation she had my head spinning.  I was reminded of everything that had been running through my mind since VMA night.  Lately, thinking about touring and everything has made me feel tired…like I can’t do it.  Like I can’t handle it.  Sure, when I performed at the VMA’s and Hammerstein it felt good…I felt like I could accomplish anything, but it was really hard.  After it was all said and done, and I’d been lying in bed…Kerri wrapped in my arms, I really started to rethink things.  How awesome it would be to just go home and work sh'it out with my girlfriend and with Trace, have casual dinners with friends, and try to move on with my life slowly…not so hectically. 

I thought, what if I did call the whole damn thing off? Who would lose out more? Would I even have a career to come back to? None of it seemed to matter then.  I really felt that I wanted to go home, and in that moment, I didn’t care about anybody but myself.  I would wake up that morning, call the right people and cancel everything we’d planned out.  They would simply have to understand.  Yes, I could cancel the tour, forget it all and go home…hide in my house with Kerri and be fine.

But then the alarm went off, and the phone rang about a minute later.  Kerri answered, and hung up with a groan.  “Johnny said you have a conference call right after we see Trace off.”

And I knew the idea of canceling anything was ridiculous.

Seeing Trace get on that plane was hard.  I didn’t want him to go, and that morning, I’d sat in his room with him while he packed his bags.  I tried to be calm, and we’d been joking around about different things that had gone on at the shows the night before.  It was laid back for awhile, but then he’d finished packing his last suitcase and I knew he was about to tell me it was time to head out.  I felt like such an idiot, but I hadn’t been able to hold back the few sobs that escaped me.  I hated it…I’d fu'cked up with him so bad, and it was the only reason he was leaving.  If I’d simply listened when he told me what happened with Shane, if I’d simply tried to understand and talk to him about it, instead of turning into a psycho…I’m sure he would have stayed.  Of course I broke down.  Of course I’d cried, hard.  And of course Trace had stood there, staring, not knowing what to do.  He wasn’t going to stay, and he knew that as well as I did.  I needed to stop, I knew that too.  But I couldn’t stop.  I can never stop until it’s too late.

“I’m scared.” Was what I’d finally managed to say, once I regained some composure.

He hadn’t moved from his position by the window.  “I know,” he’d whispered.  “I’m scared too, man.”

And then I’d wiped my tears away, we’d gone and gotten Kerri and Elisha from my room, and then…we were off to wish our friends a regretful farewell.

He’s called me a bunch of times over the past three days.  He sounds really good, really relaxed.  He said that he and Elisha stayed up all night yesterday…just talking.  He told me that he thinks he knows her better now than he ever has, that he loves her more than anybody he’s ever known…and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.  I’m happy for him, really.  He deserves to feel that way about a girl, and Elisha deserves to be happy with him too.  This is good for him, I guess I knew it was going to be good for him all along . It just…hurts me that he had to push me away to regain that part of his life again.  I feel like I’ve failed him somehow, because way back, when we were just kids, I told him I would always be there for him because he was my best friend.  How am I being there for him now? How was I being there for him when I told him I wished he were dead?

Why the hell does he even give a damn about my ass anymore?

My mom is still here, and I guess I knew she would stick around for awhile.  She’s been in and out, going to my label and to Johnny’s and stuff…having meetings.  I had dinner with her yesterday night, but only because Kerri went out with a couple of people she knows from school ,and she told me she would only go out if she knew I was having a good time too.  My first response was that I was tired, and staying in bed with a movie sounded like plenty of fun to me; but she told me if that’s what I was going to do she wasn’t about to leave me alone.  I felt bad.  Kerri has been putting up with me, and only me for too long now, and I wanted her to see her friends. 

She didn’t tell me exactly who she was going to hang out with, but the better part of me knew that it was probably her roommate, Siobhan.  She was around at the end of the Hammerstein show, talking to Kerri and Trace by the bar.  I hadn’t gone over there, I don’t like talking to people I barely know anymore, but I was happy for my girlfriend.  Trace told me that they hadn’t been on the best terms, and I want her to be on good terms with her friends.  I want her to spend time apart from my psycho ass…its good for her.  So that’s why I told her I would just go to dinner with momma while she spent the night away. 

She started to protest, but then I kissed her and then…well…

It happened again.

I shouldn’t be having this much sex.  Really, it’s not logical.  I know I’m not ready, and when I told Madison about what’s been going on she totally agreed that I wasn’t, but she also said she understood why it was happening.  I asked her if she thought I was really in love, or if I was just trying to hide from being gay.  Then she sort of laughed, and told me that my relationship with Kerri was so complicated, she didn’t think she could answer my question.  I’d tried to laugh along with her, but really, I couldn’t.  Hearing that from her left me feeling even more confused.  I want to be confident that I’m in love with the girl…that I’m not simply hiding behind her to cover my ass…to protect myself from the world finding out what I might truly be.  The more I think about, the more reassured I am that I do love Kerri with my whole heart.  But it doesn’t stop the negative thoughts from yanking at me …telling me that I’m wrong, that I’m going to end up hurting her in the end, and that she will eventually hate me for it.

“Aren’t you tired?,” Kerri giggles.

I draw her close to me, and plant a long, loving kiss on her lips.  “No.  I could probably go again.”

“Justin,” she scoffs.  “If we do that I’ll be late for dinner.”

She’s going out again tonight too.  While I don’t’ mind; while I’m glad that she’s spending some much needed alone time with friends she hasn’t seen in months, I can’t help but be a little bit disappointed.  We haven’t had a night totally to ourselves in a long time.  I’ve been wanting to take her out while we’re still in the city.  Maybe to dinner and a movie…if its safe enough.  But I didn’t bring up the idea soon enough.  By the time I got through with my conference calls and interviews today, Kerri had already made plans to go out with Siobhan and some other friends to a little club in midtown.  It’s good for her though.  She’ll be happy…and later on tonight, I’ll get to lay with her.  That’s fine by me.  I’m sure momma has some stuff to go over with me tonight anyway.  “All right,” I whisper, caressing her face with my hand.  “We don’t have to.”

She stares at me a moment, seemingly unsure of herself.  “You’re not upset are you?”

“What?” I scoff.  “Kerri, you’re kidding me right?”

“No I just…,” she pauses and sighs heavily.  “I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you, or running off with my friends and leaving you alone.  I know I’ve been doing it a lot this week.  I can call her and tell her I can’t make it, baby,” she says, giving me a soft kiss.  “We can spend the night together.”

While I would love to say yes, the better part of me won’t allow myself to do it.  I’d feel too guilty, keeping her from her friends.  Besides, the tour starts in a few days…and we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other then.  I’m not going to deny her a few days of carefree fun.  Who knows when she’ll get the opportunity to do it again?  “No no,” I shake my head.  “You go okay? I want you to…we’ll have plenty of time together later on.”

She cuddles up to me and rests her head against my bare chest.  “Well then what are you going to do? You’ve been cooped up in this room for the past two days, babe.  Granted, you were a little sick, but you’re better now,” she points out.   “Isn’t there someone you can call? What about the guys…or some of your other friends? Can’t you go to a club or something?”

My phone has been ringing non stop the past three days.  It seems that everybody I’ve ever met in my life is in the city this week, and they all want to hang out.  I would love to go too…I would really love to just kick back with some beers and some hash and have a kick ass time.  But right now, I’m not supposed to be drinking or smoking, because of my medication.  My friends don’t know about my meds, or anything like that, and I would feel really uncomfortable explaining to them why it is that I can’t join them in the festivities.  I’m also scared to fu'ckin death of venturing out to a night club right now, or really…any kind of crowded place.  I did the VMA’s and my show because I had to…but if I have the option, I’d rather just stay where I know I’m safe. 

I don’t think I’m ever going to be normal again.

“Eh, nobody’s really around,” I lie, stroking her bare back gently.  “I’ll probably just talk to mom or something, you know?”

She shrugs.  “You can come out with us,” she smiles up at me and traces a pattern on my chest with her finger.  “My other friends haven’t even met you yet, you know? And I think you’d have fun.”

I chuckle a little.  I’m glad she wants to bring me out with her friends, include me in that part of her life.  But of course I wont go.  I don’t know any of those people well enough to be around them for an entire evening.  What if they look at me the wrong way or bring up things that…I just don’t want to talk about?  What if there are guys among her group of friends? I can’t be around a bunch of strange men.  I don’t know how I’ll react.  What if I look at them and start to realize how badly I want to do things with them? I don’t want it to happen…I don’t want to admit what I am.  And I couldn’t hurt Kerri like that.  It’s why I’m so careful about what kind of men I bring around me.  Unless I know them really well…unless I’ve worked with them or spent more than a week with them, I tend to stay far far away from them.  It’s what’s been making my meetings and interviews so hard this week.  The people I’ve been dealing with have been predominantly male, and while it’s not their fault…while they have no idea how hard it is for me to work with them, it’s still been horrible.

I was alone with one particular journalist from Rolling Stone for over an hour today.  By the time he left, I was trembling.  I threw up.  I threw up and he didn’t even try to do anything to me. Actually, he was one of the nicest guys I’ve met in a long time, so it made me feel even worse when I got sick after he left. I didn’t tell anybody about it.   Not even Kerri, even though when we met back here later on I could tell she knew there was something wrong.  I felt bad, keeping it from her, but I didn’t want her to worry.  So I just stripped down, and got in bed with her. 

Sex.  It seems to be the solution to every problem I have lately, and I don’t have a fu'cking clue why.  Really, sex should be the last thing on my mind after what happened.  But having it seems to fulfill me.  Like, it makes me a better person…I can hide from myself with it.  In a way, it’s almost a bonus for me…for us.  I can hide from myself, I get to love Kerri, and she gets to be with me.  In a way we’re both getting things we’ve wanted for a long time, as fu'cked up as it is.  “No, I don’t think so,” I tell her finally.  “I know my mom has some things to go over with me, and you know, I’m not really up for a night club tonight.”

She bites her bottom lip, unsure of the situation now.  “I know that’s not the reason,” she whispers, knowingly.  “You’re scared.”

I’m not in the mood to be talked down, told what I’m really feeling.  Madison did that enough with me this morning, and that’s okay…that’s her job.  But Kerri is my girlfriend, my best friend, my everything.  She knows how messed up I am, and she’s just supposed to understand, not discuss it with me so much. But she does discuss it…far too much, far too often.  While I can’t be upset with her about that, I’ll admit…only to myself of course…that it’s starting to bug the crap out of me, talking about Shane and the kidnapping with her all the time. Why can’t it just be like it was between us before? Why can’t we just lay here, kiss and sh'it, and just…know what the other one is thinking? There shouldn’t be so many damn questions. 

I‘m tired of questions.

“Not now okay?” I grunt.  “I don’t need to answer any more questions, or talk about any more of my feelings with you.  I told you I talked to Madison this morning, and that’s good enough for now.”  I give her a reassuring kiss for added measure, just so she wont think I’m upset with her, before tugging away from her and putting an arm behind my head.  I stare up at the ceiling, hoping that she’ll simply give up and do the same.

“Justin…”

It’s not that easy of course, and I’m an idiot for trying to make it so.

“Look,” I say, not meeting her gaze.  “I’m not in the mood.”  I cross my arms over my chest and sigh heavily.  “Just go and have fun, okay? Stop worrying about all this sh'it.  I’ll be fine…I just need a few more days to get back into the swing of things.”

“It’s like you’d rather I have my head in the clouds than care about what you’re feeling,” she persists.  “Justin, I’m not fu'cking naïve okay? I’m not…in my own little world.  Mentally, I’m practically at the same place as you, and I know you’ve been freaked out about a lot of things over the past couple of days.  Why are you trying to play it off like it’s nothing?” She shifts herself closer to me again, and cups my cheek in her hand.  “I’m supposed to be the one you’re honest with.  I thought that’s why we started this relationship…because we understand each other.”

I’m in this relationship because I love her, and I know I love her.  But damn, sometimes I wonder who I’m really putting all this effort in for.  Is it for me? Am I simply trying to convince myself that I can have a normal sex life, a normal love life? Is it just that I love her, and I want to be with her…and the rape doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings? Or am I doing this solely for her benefit? I wonder, if things had gone differently and I told her I couldn’t love her…would she think I was really gay? I realize I don’t have any answers, and I’m not going to get any.  Why do I have to be the one that’s left clueless? Everybody else that’s been questioning me this week, has gotten their fu'cking answers.  Don’t I deserve that too? Don’t I deserve to be less confused…

Maybe not.

“So I’m fu'cking scared,” I grunt, looking away from her totally.  I reach over and grab my bottle of pills off of the nightstand.  “Is that it, Kerri?  Is that what you wanted to hear?” I stutter nervously with the words, and my hands are shaking as I try to grasp the bottle and get the child cap off of it. “Because that’s the truth.  I don’t even know why I should have to tell you that now.” I get the cap off after a moment, but my hands are shaking so bad now, that I end up dropping bottle.  The pills spill all over the bed, and I let out a miserable whimper. 

“Baby, please relax.”  She grabs my trembling hands, the tears apparent in her silver-blue eyes.  “You’re shaking.”

“I know,” I whisper, and tug away from her.  We gather up the pills together, and I put mine back into the bottle before holding it out to her so she can pour in the rest.  She keeps two out for me, and we exchange items so I can take my medicine.  I’m still shaking, and so, I use extreme caution when taking my bottle of water off the nightstand so I won’t spill that too. 

I take my pills and we sit in silence.  Of course I let her cling to me, and she sobs a little into my chest.  Sh'it, I’m making her worry again.  She doesn’t deserve it, but I don’t want to go into any kind of details with her right now.  I don’t want to tell her how I felt around that damn journalist.  How I kept looking at his crotch, trying to figure out if I had some kind of longing for it . God, what the hell was I doing? Did he notice? Is he going to put that in his story?  I rub my face with my hand, and shake my head.  “I thought I wanted him,” I mutter, my thoughts escaping my mouth before I can stop myself. 

She sits up a little.  “What, Justin?”

I look over at her.  Oh hell, I blew it…I really did.  Now I’m going to have to either tell her the truth, or lie.  I always lie…to everybody, and I hate myself for it.  It’s not fair to them, and its especially not fair to Kerri, the girl I supposedly love.  “Nothin.” I chicken out quickly.  I’m such a little pus'sy.  I can’t even tell my girlfriend what’s on my mind, because I’m too embarrassed.  “Just go out with your friends and have a good time okay? I’ll probably take a nap or something, anyway.  Really, Ker, I wouldn’t be fun tonight.  I’d just hold you back.”

She doesn’t seem to hear me.  “I’m not deaf you know,” she points out.  “I heard you.  You said you thought you wanted him.  Justin, why are you thinking that way again? I thought we were past this…I thought--”

“I’m fine!” God, I don’t want to yell at her.  I don’t want to at all, but she’s just…she’s pressing me.  She’s pressing me and she knows better.  “I’m fine Kerri! Just, leave me the hell alone okay?”

“Oh.”

Silence.

I sit up and hug my knees to my chest.  I rock myself a little, and I know I look as bad as I did when I was in the clinic, but I don’t care right now.  It’s calming me down, and that’s all that really  matters.  “I’m not in the mood,” I whisper.

“Apparently.”

A minute later, I feel her slide out of the bed.  I stop rocking myself, afraid that she’s going to leave and never come back because I’ve made her feel horrible.  “Kerri I’m sorry,” I tell her, watching her naked form move about the room.

She bends down and yanks her shirt off of the floor.  It landed there while we were kissing.  I tore it off of her, she laughed; then I pushed her down on the bed and crawled on top of her .  That was only an hour ago.  I was acting like myself an hour ago.  Why can’t I be now?  Why can’t I just stay in one frame of mind for more than a fu'cking day?

“I know you’re sorry,” she mutters, yanking the shirt over her head.  “Don’t worry about it.”

I force myself to get out of the bed.  I know if I don’t reassure her, something will go wrong.  She might leave me again, and god, I couldn’t handle that.  I just couldn’t.  “Please don’t be mad, okay?” I shuffle over to her, not even caring about getting some clothes on at this point.  I pull her half naked body close to mine, and brush the hair out of her face gently.  “It’s just been a long day and…I just wanted to lay with you and not have to deal with it.  I should talk to you, and I know that but…there’s just some moments when I don’t want to talk to anybody.”

She nods a little, but her eyes aren’t connecting with mine.  It’s like she’s afraid to look into them right now, because if she does she might see the truth hidden behind them.  And that’s probably a good thing.  I don’t want her to know the truth.  Hell, I don’t even want to know the truth.

“Ker…”

“I love you, okay?,” she whispers, seemingly forcing herself to put a hand to my cheek.  “And I worry about you a lot, Justin.  Now that Trace is gone, I’m the only one who knows…” She trails off and shakes her head.  “I guess I just figured you’d want to vent to me more…because there’s nobody else.  But I guess Madison solved your problems earlier or something.” 

She’s upset that she couldn’t be the one to hear what I had to say.  She wants to be the one…the only one that I can confide in.  And while it makes me feel good, knowing that I can confide in her like that, it worries me too.  Kerri has her own problems that she should be dealing with too; yet she pushes them all to the side to worry about me. 

I wish I could find some way around that…I wish I could find a way to make her stop putting me before herself.  But I know that’s impossible.  She cares too much, her heart is too big.  But really, I know the main problem is, she’s too scared to help herself.   She’s scared to think about what happened to her, and it’s a horrible way to be…but for as long as I’ve known the girl, she’s constantly pushed her problems under the rug . She’s not one to sit and dwell on things.  She likes to keep her mind occupied with her friends and family.  I don’t blame her for doing that of course…I commend her for wanting to be here for me and sh'it.  But then, I also know sooner or later all of it is going to catch up with her…

And then I don’t know what she’ll do.

“I’ll talk to you about it,” I say, reluctantly.  “I’ll tell you right now…”

She shakes her head.  “Don’t talk to me because you think it’s going to make me happy, Justin,” she whispers.  “Talk to me because you want to.  Look, I’m not angry or upset that you went to Madison before me.  I understand all of that…why you feel like you can talk to her and everything.  It’s fine.” She forces a smile and gives me a soft kiss.  “Just tell me you’re not going to sit here and be a wreck all night.”

“God, baby,” I sigh and hug her close to me.  “I’m going to be fine.  I’m gonna call my mom as soon as you leave.”

“Okay.” This time she doesn’t kiss me.  She only pulls away from me and finishes dressing herself. 

I sit on the bed and yank my boxers on, before laying back down again.  I cover myself with the comforter, and watch her as she starts to fix her hair and makeup in the mirror.  God, she’s so beautiful.  Everything about that girl is beautiful.  And I realize that I really do love her…it’s not some big confusing thing at all, and I’m an idiot for thinking that it is.  I do love her, and I need to focus on that.  I need to forget about Shane and being gay and being scared.  I want to get over my fears, right now.  “I love you.” The words are soft, barely audible coming out of my mouth, but I know she’s heard me.

“I know.”

She finishes preparing herself for her evening out, not saying anything else to me.  All I can do is lie here and stare, wishing that for once I could be normal…go out with her tonight and chill with her group of friends.  I even try to make myself believe that I can, but the better part of me knows I’d be miserable the whole evening…cowering in the corner of the nightclub.  So I’ll let her go on her own, just like I knew I would.  I’ll feel like sh'it all night, my mother will probably be upset with me because I’ll hardly look her in the eye, and I’ll fall asleep long before my girlfriend returns from her night on the town.  Knowing Kerri, she’ll probably have a few in her…and she won’t say a thing to me when she gets in.  She’ll just pass out, and have a horrible headache in the morning. 

This is officially the worst trip to New York City I’ve ever had.

Kerri and I sit in bed together and watch the first half of the five o’clock news, before her cell phone rings.  She’s on and off within five minutes, and I know it’s time for her to leave.  I give her a quick kiss, and tell her that I’m going to call ahead to Eric and make sure he escorts her out of the hotel.  Naturally, she rolls her eyes and tells me that Siobhan is only three blocks away, but I tell her I’ll feel better if Eric sees her off.  She doesn’t argue with me of course, she only kisses me and tells me to ‘get some rest’, before throwing her puffy down jacket on and walking out of the bedroom.  I hear the door close.  I’m alone.  And it’s now that I know I can let my true feelings show.

I cry for a little while…maybe an hour, maybe more.  Then I just lay there.  I’m in a daze, the medicine is finally starting to work . My eyes start to droop, and I fight to keep them open…but they only  get heavier and heavier.  Finally, I give in.  The dark is calming for awhile, and my mind starts to drift.  Then I feel myself start to float…then fall.  I’m falling through the darkness, too fast, and I can’t stop.  I scream, cry out for help…and then it stops.  I’m not falling anymore, I’m laying down.  I recognize the place…I recognize it all too well, and I want to run far far away.  But I can’t move.  I’m tied down to this bed, and I know within a matter of moments the horrors are going to come back to me all over again.  I see him before me now, smiling, undressing…he kisses me.  God…please…

Don’t worry baby.  I love you.

I cry out.  “God…no! NO!”  Then I’m back…I’m back here in my hotel room.  I sit straight up in bed, gasping for a breath, my eyes flying wildly around the room, searching for him.  Is he here? Is he going to come and hurt me?  “Where are you!” I whimper.

Silence. 

Soaked in sweat, and trembling, I try to make sense of this.  What happened? I was thinking...remembering and then… oh.  The medication.  I fell asleep.  I fell asleep and I was dreaming.  I look over at the clock on my nightstand.  It’s already eight o’clock.  My cell phone is flashing too, and when I pick it up it tells me that I have three missed calls.  I review them.  My mom, my mom, and oh…my mom.  I sigh.  She’s probably worried because I didn’t pick up.  I know should call her, but I’m still a mess.  Still a fu'cking mess and I can’t calm down.  I need Kerri.  I want her to come back.  I look at my phone again, and I almost call her, but I force myself not to.  I can’t pull her away from her friends.  I can’t spoil her evening just because I’m having another ‘episode.’

My phone starts to ring.

“Hi mom.” I clear my throat a little, and pray that she assumes I was sleeping.  “Sorry I missed you.”

“Lord, you had me worried.  Tiny told me he tried to knock on your door but you didn’t answer.  He was sure you were sleeping but…I don’t know, I guess I must worry too much Justin.”

That makes two of us.

“I’m okay.  I took my pills just before Kerri left, so I guess it made me tired.  I didn’t hear my phone,” I tell her.  At least it’s not a lie, and I feel good about it.  But I know what’s coming next.  She’s going to want to come up here and talk, because she knows that Kerri won’t be back until late.  Before I thought I’d be able to handle it, and talk to my mom.  I even thought it might relieve some stress.  But after that dream, all I want to do is hide under the covers with my little flashlight and write about everything in my journal.  Right.  I’ll write in my journal because it can’t judge me or tell me I’m overreacting. 

I pray momma won’t butt in. 

“What do you say I bring us something from Carmines?,” she offers, her voice more upbeat.  “You love their vegetable lasagna, Justin.”

The thought of eating anything right now, makes me feel sick.  But if I tell her that, she’ll worry.  And I make her worry enough about me as it is, without putting the notion that I’m not eating right into her head.  “Okay,” I manage to say, without an ounce of discomfort in my voice. 

“Great.  I’ll see you in about twenty minutes.”

She hangs up, and I sigh.  Great.  Now I have to be fake again, hold back, and I really don’t know if I have the energy to do that tonight.  It kills me that things have to be this way between me and my mother, because I never had to keep anything from her before this all happened.  It used to be great…she used to get me, and I could talk to her like I could talk to Trace and Kerri.  Now though, I’m afraid.  When she found out I was cutting, she changed a lot.  The first time she came to visit me in that clinic, she babied me more than anything else.  It freaked me out, because my mother has never been one to baby me or shelter me. 

Even when I was young, and doing all those talent shows and things…she treated me like I was older, like I was mature.  I loved her for that.  But things are changing more and more with her, whenever I spend time with her it seems.  It’s like somebody snatched up my mother, like they snatched me up, and replaced her with this pleasant little motherly mother who just wants to cook me food and tell me how much she loves me.  While I shouldn’t be so weird about it, while I should be comforted by the fact that she loves me more than ever…

I just want her to be my friend.  I just want her to be like she was before Shane came and fu'cked up my life. 

I miss her.

I get a quick shower in before she comes, thinking it will get me prepared to face her.  Surprisingly it does.  The warm water seeps into my skin, relieving the tension that’s most likely been with me since VMA night.  I let go…I don’t think about anything.  My mind is blank and I love that.  I can just…be.  I wish it could always be like this.  Even with Kerri, and Trace and everybody else that I love…I wish my mind could just be blank, free of memories of any kind.  I wish there was some kind of mind zapper that existed, so it could wipe away all my memories.  Then I could start over, have a whole new life…never worry again.

Slam

My heart skips a beat, and I whimper softly.  I know that somebody has entered my hotel room.  While I’m almost positive that it’s my mother, I can’t make myself completely believe it.  What if Tiny stepped away from my door for a bathroom break…what if somebody from this hotel is psychotic and got a key to my suite? What if they’re here now…what if they want me like…

“Justin! Are you in the shower?”

Momma.  I lean against the wet shower wall and slide down to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees.  I thank the powers that be for keeping the psychos away for today, and run my hands through my mess of hair.  “I just got out,” I manage to say a moment later.  “Just let me dry off and I’ll be right out, momma.”

“Well just throw any old thing on,” she chuckles, knowing how long it takes me to pick out my outfits.  “We’re not going anywhere.”

I force myself to get up from the shower floor, and I get out.  I dry off, throw some sweats and a t-shirt on before venturing out of the bedroom and into the living room.  I see my mom and I smile.  She’s dressed in pajama’s, and I’m assuming she’s done this so I’ll feel more laid back.  Deep down, I’m certain she wants me to be laid back so I’ll talk…and of course I don’t want to talk to her about any of it.  But perhaps, it’s time for me to stop this stupid charade.  Maybe it’s time to just sit with my mom, and tell her my true feelings…tell her how I feel about our bond, and about…everything I’m afraid of.  I know Kerri and Trace both feel that I should talk about the rape with her too.  I should…

But I don’t know if I can.

“Hey baby babe,” she smiles, and pats the empty space beside her on the sofa.  “I told them no peppers.”

“Thanks.”  I sit down beside her and kiss her on the cheek.  “How was your day?”

“Oh, you know,” she sighs tiredly as she pulls all the food out of the bag, and sets it on the coffee table.  “Long, strenuous, a million questions that I couldn’t or didn’t want to answer,” she chuckles.  “What about you?”

I shrug.  “Stupid.”

She nods.  “Where did Kerri run off to tonight?”

“Oh, she went to a club with some friends,” I tell her quietly.  Next she’s going to ask my why I didn’t go, and I can either tell her the real reason, or just fu'ck around and tell her I’m tired like I always do.  But damn it, I’m tired of making sh'it up.  I never, ever lied to my mother before the kidnapping.  She knew everything, and now she doesn’t know sh'it.  It’s not fair, and suddenly all the annoying conversations I’ve had with Kerri about talking to my mom are actually starting to make sense.  She doesn’t deserve to be in the dark anymore.

“You didn’t go,” she tells me with a sad tone.  “Justin, you’re not having problems are you?”

“No mom,” I sigh.  I can feel it.  I know I have to tell her, as much as I‘m afraid to do it.  If I don‘t, if I keep living like this…living a lie, I‘m never going to get past it.  Maybe if I do tell my mom about Shane and about my fears, it will all fade away.  Maybe I won‘t be afraid, maybe the dreams will go away.  Maybe…maybe I‘ll be able to be normal again.  “That’s not it at all.”

“Justin.”  She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.  “I’m so worried about you,” she whispers, the fear and sadness apparent in her eyes.  “I feel like I don’t know you anymore, honey.  And, I know that’s a horrible thing for me to be saying right now.  I know how important it is for me to stay positive and let you have your space, but it’s been really hard…getting used to this new version of you.  I feel like there’s nothing I can do or say to make your pain go away.”

She feels like such a failure, and I know it’s my fault.  If Kerri were here, I know I’d simply hold her hand, cry, and let all of my horrible feelings gush out of me like the blood from my cuts used to.  But Kerri isn’t here to encourage me.  This is all on me right now.  Right now, I have to find the strength inside of me to do this.  I have to be strong on my own, and my god, it’s so fu'cking hard. 

I think about everything Madison has told me about holding my head high, and looking people in the eye when I admit my feelings.  But what the hell am I supposed to do? Hold my head high, be proud that that sick ba'stard had sex with me?  My god, what the hell is momma even gonna think about this?  “Mom.” My voice cracks, but I don’t try to cover it up.  “I want you to help me.  I…I do need you around.  I’m just afraid.” I tear my gaze from hers and look down at my lap, sucking in my bottom lip as I do so.

“Justin, I know you’ve been through a lot,” she tells me softly.  “But I don’t understand why you feel you can’t talk to me about how afraid you were, or how afraid you still are.  Whatever it is, whatever happened…I want to know about it, so I can help you to get past it.”

I manage to look at her after several minutes of silence.  She’s not crying, and I’m thankful.  I don’t think I could take that right now.  “I’m afraid that…you wont love me anymore, mom.”

She bites her lip, confused about what I’ve just told her.  But of course she’s confused.  I’m her son, and she’s always loved me, and right now…she can’t think of a reason in the world why she’d ever stop.  She doesn’t get it.  She doesn’t understand what he did to me, because I haven’t told her.  “Justin, how could you think I would ever stop loving you?  You’re my son, and I’ll never stop loving you okay?”

“But you don’t know,” I whimper.  “Mom, you don’t know.”

She pulls me into her, and cradles me in her arms like I’m five years old again.  Like the time my pet turtle stopped coming out of its shell and I just didn’t understand why.  She held me then, told me that everybody has their time to meet God, and that one day…even I would.  She made me feel so much better about it, that Myrtle the Turtle would be happy in his turtle heaven.  And I went on, I got a new turtle the next week…and everything was okay.  But, this conversation isn’t about a turtle.  No, not at all.  It’s about rape…that it happened to me, and really, I have no idea how she’s going to react. 

“Tell me,” she whispers, kissing my temple lightly as she rocks me in her arms.  “Tell me anything, Justin.”

“When I was there…When I was there…he took Kerri away,” I confess, my voice trembling with every word.  “I thought he killed her.”  I look up to her for the guidance I know I need, and she nods at me reassuringly, telling me that she’s listening.  “But…but he didn’t kill her momma.”

“What happened, Justin,” she whispers.

“He got upset with me,” I moan.  “Because Kerri and I got into this stupid fight over stupid sh'it.  And…he hit me and kicked me until I passed out.  When I woke up, I was…on this bed, handcuffed…”

I hear her gasp, and I wonder if I should just stop…tell her nothing else happened.  It will be safer that way, she won’t have to deal with this horrible pain that I’ve been faced with.  But I think it’s too late to stop myself.  I’ve already dished out part of the horrible details. Stopping now would leave her wondering, and that’s just pointless.  “Mom.”

She looks me in the eyes.  “Yes baby,” she whimpers. 

I can see it in her eyes.  She’s getting the idea.  She knows how sick he was…and I’m sure she knows that he did something to me.  Do I even need to say it? Hell.  “He made me have sex with him.” The words sound hollow, empty, emotionless coming out of my mouth.  Immediately, I’m numb all over…I can’t feel the pain, and that’s a good thing.  I don’t want to.  I don’t want to feel anything right now.

The tears spill out of her eyes, and run down her face in steady, thick trails.  I want to do something to make her pain go away, but there’s nothing I can do.  The truth is out now.  She knows what her son has turned into, and she’ll never be able to look at me the same way again.  I feel like I’ve just lost a huge part of my life again, and of course, there’s nothing I can do about it.

“Why didn’t you say something,” she whispers, sniffling a little bit. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you.” I’m sobbing now, and I know it’s only going to complicate the situation more, but I can’t hold back.  I’m too overcome with emotion to try.

After staring at me in shock for several minutes, she finally snaps out of it and pulls me close to her again.  “I love you,” she reassures me, running a soothing hand through my hair and down my neck as I cry into her.  “Nothing will ever change that, Justin.”

“I’m a freak, mom,” I moan.

“Listen to me,” she says in my ear.  “I. Love. You.”

I manage to pull away and look at her.  “I’m so scared,” I confess.  “All the time, mom.  I know he‘s dead but…I‘m scared.”

And she nods.  She understands.  She’s not going anywhere either, and it’s fu'cking unbelievable.  I thought she’d hate me…run away and never want to lay eyes on me ever again.  But here she is letting me cry about it.  I feel so stupid for hiding this from her for so long.  Maybe if I’d just been honest, like I’d been honest with Trace, Madison, and Kerri, I’d feel better about myself . But I can’t dwell on the past.  I can only look to the future, and hope that this moment in time will put my life in a positive direction for the future.

“You don’t have to be afraid anymore,” she tells me.  “I’m here, and I’ll always be.”

And we hug, and sob together.  Then I fall asleep again, in her warm embrace, and I feel safe.  Completely safe, for the first time in ages.