He pulls completely away from me, a look of regret on his face as he does so.  He reaches the door, and Trace hugs him quickly before he ventures out into the hall way.  I see him walk past the door a moment later, Tiny close behind him, and I take a long breath in and out.  He’ll be fine.  Nervous yes, but fine.

“It’s almost over,” Trace speaks up a moment later, and steps inside the room.  He closes the door behind him, and I’m thankful.  I don’t want anybody to see me like this right now…a wreck.  I know I am.  I can feel the tears on my face still, and I know it’s going to take me a few more minutes to snap out of it completely. 

“Tonight sucked,” I tell him, miserably plopping down on the small loveseat.  I tuck a leg underneath my thigh, and rub my face with my hands.  “I fu'cked up, and Justin…you know, I have no idea how he’s getting on stage right now.” I look up again, and this time Trace is sitting next to me.  He’s doesn’t look annoyed, or angry at me, like he’s been for the past week.  I guess I can talk to him right now, and I’m more relieved than he’ll ever know.  “I couldn’t calm him down, Trace.  If anything, I made him more of a nervous wreck.”

He shakes his head.  “No you didn’t,” he chuckles.  “Ker, why do you always think so negative? I mean, he’d be nothing without you.” He bites his lip and takes my hand in his.  “So you got nervous…so we fought…so you…so you should have told him where you were going,” he nods.  “It doesn’t make you the worst person in the world.  You can’t be fu'ckin’ perfect Kerri,” he sighs and pulls back from me.  “Nobody can be.”

I know he has a point, but I can’t make myself believe his words.  I’m so damn hard on myself.  I just want to be good for Justin, and I guess good for Trace too.  I want to be the one that lingers in the background, helps out when she can.  I want to be the one without problems or stress.  The silent partner…even though I’m more of a victim than Trace is.  I guess I just don’t feel I need to be worried about…that my problems aren’t that bad, even though deep down I know that they are.  It’s why I drink, it’s why I don’t sleep enough.  And it’s horrible, but I don’t know what to do.  I can’t just…be selfish and expect everybody to cater to me.  I can’t do it.  I feel guilty.  And feeling guilty is worse than any other feeling in the world.  “I just want to be good for him,” I whisper, not quite meeting his gaze.  “I don’t want to let him down, and---” I let out a long, shaky breath.  “And I don’t want you to hate me, Trace.  I messed up with you…so bad.   When you told me….”

“No,” he interrupts.  “Come on, you know it’s not like that.  I know you don’t blame me, okay?” He smiles at me a little bit, but I don’t smile back.  “I know it was hard and confusing for you at first, because you were figuring your whole thing with Justin out still.  And tonight…things were chaotic because he got sick--” His voice trails off and he stares at me.  “I didn’t mean to call you a sl'ut,” he continues.  “You love him, and I know that.  I just didn’t expect him to…move so fast.  It worries me Kerri.  I don’t want him to lose it and hurt you, like the last time.”

“I don’t think he could hurt me,” I tell him.  Really, I don’t think he could.  Not now.  Not after all of this…not when we’re so in love.  I know the fact that Justin and I did the ultimate is freaking Trace out, just because of the rape any everything.  But, even though Trace is his best friend…he can’t understand.  He still wasn’t there with us, he doesn’t know what happened after…how I had to sit in that dirty house with him and let him cry, and try not to cry myself…even though I ended up hysterical anyway.  I think Justin might have loved me then too, in some weird crazy way.  Hell, in some weird crazy way, we’ve always been in love.  I know that.  “I’m being careful,” I nod.  “But we’re ready, Trace.  I’m sorry it freaks you out and everything, and I know you didn’t’ mean to call me names, just like I didn’t mean to blame you.”

He sits back and sighs, before removing his baseball cap and running a hand through his dark brown mess of curls.  “Let’s just let it go, before we confuse the crap out of each other even more,” he chuckles.  “Deal?”

I bite my lip, unsure of the whole situation.  If I’m even going to be allowed to confide in him after tonight…after he goes back home to sort out his own life.  “Am I still allowed to talk to you,” I whisper.

He looks at me like he doesn’t know who I am.  “What the hell kind of question is that?” He shakes his head.  “Ker, you’re my best friend.  Of course you can.  I might be going home and sh'it but, I’m going to call, and I want to know how you’re doing.”  He sits up again, and touches my face, before running a hand through my hair.  “Despite what you may think, I do care,” he frowns.  “I need you as much as you need me.”

“What if I screw up while you’re gone,” I ask him.  “What if I let everybody down, Trace? What if I can’t do the work?”

He sighs.  “Then I’ll cut my little hiatus short, Kerri.”  He rolls his eyes and pulls me into a hug.  “But that’s not going to happen, because you’re going to be great,” he reassures me, rubbing my back gently. 

“I don’t know…”

“Stop being negative,” he says, pulling back from me after a moment.  “It’s not good.”  He looks down and toys with his wrist watch.  “I really wish you’d get some help already.  You really don’t realize how much better you’d feel.”

This conversation is going in a direction that I don’t want it to go.  While I feel good that my friendship with Trace is still as strong as it’s always been, I’m not about to get into the subject of psychiatrists and getting help and all that.  I’m not…I’m not ready to discuss all of it with some strange person.  I don’t want to be judged.  I don’t want them to tell me that I could have done something about this…that I could have done something to Shane before he tied me up, so Justin would have been okay.  I couldn’t take it.  It’s nobodies business…my problems. 

“We should get out there,” I tell him, forcing back my tears and looking directly into his eyes.  “Justin wants us to watch, and there’s an open bar.”  I get up from the loveseat, my mouth beginning to water at the though of a shot and a beer.  But I’m not surprised when I feel Trace tug on my hand after a moment.  “Trace?”

“Do me a favor and don’t drink tonight,”  he whispers.  “I know I’m bad for saying that . I had like, four drinks at the awards,” he laughs a little, but lets his serious expression take back over quickly.  “But I know my limits Ker.”

“I need it tonight,” I tell him, pulling my hand roughly from his.  “And God, I know my limits too okay?“  Oh yeah, I know my limits.  I have no limit.  Getting drunk to the point where I pass out…that’s my limit.  But I don’t say any of this to him.  I just want him to leave me alone about it, let me do my thing.  Tonight is about partying anyway…even if Justin can’t.  That’s probably selfish too…but I’m too confused and stressed to give a damn right now.  “Just let me do what I need to do, okay Trace?”

He frowns.  “I’m staying with you.”

“Fine.” I force a smile.  “We’ll drink from the bottle together.”

He rolls his eyes.  “How about we just…”

The door swings open.  I gasp, not having expected it, but I relax when I see Eric standing there.  “Hi,” I whisper.

“You two comin?,” he says impatiently.  “They’re about to announce him.”

I nod, and glance back at Trace quickly before making my way out the door.  He doesn’t smile at me, and I’m not surprised.  But really, it doesn’t’ matter.  All that matters is getting that first drink in me.  Then I’ll feel better…

Or at least I’ll start to.