“You think he’ll be okay?” Trace lights up a cigarette, something I haven’t seen him do in almost four years, and leans back against the brick wall of the hotel “I mean, because he’s seemed so nervous all day, and the last thing we need is him freaking the fu'ck out on camera.” He shakes his head and takes a drag, looking down at the cement sidewalk as he does so.
“Since when do you smoke?” I scrunch up my nose in disgust and shift away from him a little bit. Trace is nervous. Probably more nervous than I’ve seen him in years, and I have to admit, I’m a little surprised at him. He’s been so tough, so composed and together up until now. But I guess the whole “Shane Crisis”, as I’ve decided to deem it for now, has yanked the ability to be composed out of him. Now that everybody knows, he doesn’t have to hide anything anymore. And so I guess, the strong composed guy we’ve been dealing with since the kidnapping came to an end wasn’t really the true Trace at all. This is the real one: weak, tired, nervous Trace. And it makes me want to run and hide from him, because I realize I don’t even know him anymore.
“Since I realized it calms me the fu'ck down, okay Kerri?” He glares at me, before taking another long drag. “I’m looking for your opinion on Justin,” he pauses and blows smoke out of his mouth. “…not your opinion on me.”
I cross my arms across my chest, wishing I’d waited inside with Justin while he talked on the phone with Johnny; instead of coming out here with Trace. Suddenly, I find myself disliking him very much. He still has an attitude with me, despite the fact that we’ve talked things over and basically worked out the kinks in our friendship. I mean hell, I’m doing him a huge favor, covering for him while he takes time to sort himself out…and right now, it doesn’t’ even seem like he respects me for that. All he cares about is if Justin is okay, if Justin is going through anything right now. Well what the hell about me? Don’t my feelings and insecurities matter right now?
He hasn’t even asked me what’s going on between Justin and I. And I know that he’s gotta know something. Elisha tells him everything, and the fact that he doesn’t’ seem to care that Justin and I have so suddenly decided to become a couple, bothers me a lot. Although, maybe it’s selfish to expect him to focus on me when he’s already got so many other things plaguing him. Maybe I need to wake up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around me. But really, right now…it’s hard to think that way. I’m in a lot of pain, a lot more pain that I let on…even to Justin. And I guess I just expect Trace to see that, know that, and talk to me about it accordingly. “He’ll be fine,” I hear myself snap. “I can take care of him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?,” he grunts, taking one more drag of his cigarette before throwing the butt on the ground, and squashing it with his sneaker. “Like I haven’t been taking care of him?”
This is a stressful night for everybody involved, and I’m sure it’s the reason why I’m fighting with my best friend right now. Really, I don’t want to be. I wish we could be talking rationally, making plans for tonight. We should be working together, plan what we should do if something happens to Justin and he starts to lose it. But we’re both entirely too stressed out about what‘s going on in our lives to focus like that. Trace is worried about leaving Justin behind, what that will do to their friendship. And I‘m worried about being able to take over Trace’s job, while making my relationship with Justin work at the same time. It‘s all so mind boggling, and really, I shouldn‘t expect Trace to understand or even care about my point of view right now.
“You have been,” I tell him. “But now you’re leaving and I’m the one who’s gotta do all the sh'it, okay Trace?” I sound like I’m accusing him of being selfish, of doing something horrible and it makes me feel like sh'it. I know all he’s doing is trying to get help for himself, and that’s really commendable. He’s the only one out of the three of us that was able to admit his problem, and get help on his own. Justin had to have somebody do it for him, but of course that was understandable. I on the other hand…well…I’ve barely talked about what I feel inside, or what my problems are with anybody.
“You think I want to leave?,” he whines. “Fuck Kerri, I don’t want leave.” He shakes his head and points to his chest defensively. “But I have to, or I’m gonna lose my fu'cking mind okay? I can’t do this work for him…file his papers and sh'it, because…hell, it might get him killed, you know?” He looks away from me, and crosses his arms across his chest. “That’s why I asked you to help me out,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry if you know, you just got thrown into it. There wasn’t anybody else I could have trusted, or that Justin would have trusted, to get the job done.”
Trace has always taken great pride in his job. He’s worked hard, tried as hard as he could to learn everything he needs to know about the music business. He‘s made smart investments, and before everything happened to us…he was planning on going into business for himself. He wants to manage, well…at least he did. But now, that’s all been shot to hell. He doesn’t trust himself around Justin, he doesn’t think he can do his job anymore, and that really scares me. I know he‘s afraid…afraid that he‘ll screw up again. And yeah, I guess Justin and I are mostly to blame for that. When he finally found the courage to tell us, we should have been his friends and supported him, but instead we blamed him. We didn‘t know how to cope with what he‘d done. Of course now, we‘re starting to come around…but just barely.
Deep inside of me, I‘m still terrified that he let Shane walk into our lives, and despite the fact that I’ve basically forgiven him…I still don’t feel I can totally trust him. I try the best I can not to let Trace see that in me. I try to be as positive as I can be around him, every day. But his attitude is still so shi'tty, he’s still so bitter about the reality of it all; and it makes it harder to be positive around him because of that. My mind is all kinds of fu'cked up, so when he’s in a bad mood, like he is right now, I end up in one too. In turn, that makes me give him an attitude…makes me say things I don’t want to say. “I don’t feel like I was thrown into this,” I roll my eyes. “If I felt that way I would have told you so.”
“Yeah right,” he chuckles. “You never tell anybody what’s on your mind, Kerri.”
He’s right, and that pisses me off. But it’s not like I can just…talk about my true feelings with anybody. And even though Justin and I have made a huge breakthrough…even though I love him, I know I can‘t talk to him about my insecurities. He’s still too emotionally fragile to handle that kind of pain, and I’m still working on getting his emotions in check. He needs to be one hundred percent back on track before I’ll even consider sitting down and tearing down these walls I’ve built around myself. And I know that’s going to take time…a long time. Probably years. But I’m prepared to do that…to put myself…my whole self into him and our new relationship. The way I see it, nothing that terrible happened to me anyway. I wasn’t raped by that sicko. I was just…I was just in the dark. That’s all…
Just in the dark.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” Trace continues. “I trust you and everything. But…I worry that you’re going to turn into a big mess once I leave. You and alcohol don’t mix well, and I know that there’s not going to be anybody around to stop you from drinking once I’m out of the picture. And the last thing I want to hear, is that you got hurt or Justin got hurt because you were drunk,” he whispers, and steps closer to me. “I…I really wish you would just get some help already, girl.” He shakes his head and sighs heavily. “But you know, you won’t, and I just don’t’ fu'cking understand that.”
Immediately my defensive mode kicks in, and I find myself glaring at him. My head is swarming with a million different thoughts. Some are telling me to take his advice, fall into his arms and tell him that I need help too…just like he does, just like Justin does. But then that will make me look like the weak person, and I know that one of us has to keep their head level right now. Before Trace lost his dignity, I used to be able to get away with being a little crazy. But now, now he can‘t be the strong one anymore. So that leaves me to be the strong one, the composed one…and I’ve never been the type to let my friends down. It sort of angers me though. I feel that I have no say in this. That I‘m basically obligated to be the strong one, the one that isn‘t bothered by her problems. It makes me want to cry out that it‘s not fair…that I deserve a break too. But the anger envelopes me so much that I find I can‘t say any of that. All I can do is point my finger at Trace, and make him feel just as badly as I do.
“I don’t need any help,” I grunt. “You’re the one that fu'cked up, Trace. You’re the one that…caused all this sh'it to happen anyway,” I snap. “So stop trying to make me into the bad person here. I didn’t do anything wrong, I just went home to be with my family…and because of what you fu'cking did I…” I would keep going, keep degrading him, but I can’t. I really can’t because…he’s crying now. I’m making him cry, break down, turn into a mess. And I couldn’t have picked a worse night to do it either.
“I’m sorry,” he whimpers, wiping his eyes with his hand. “I’m sorry, okay?”
He turns away from me, and leans against the wall. I can hear him sobbing quietly, but I have no comforting words for him. What I just said and did was totally out of line, and I know that. But I was just so angry. I guess…I guess I know how Justin must have felt after he hit me that day. All he kept telling me was that he was sorry, and that he didn’t want me to leave. But I can’t just break down out here, cry and scream at him to forgive me. Justin is going to walk out of the hotel any minute, and I have to be calm…so does Trace. I have to fix this, but I doubt I’m going to be able to. “I didn’t mean it,” I whisper. “Trace…I didn’t.”
He doesn’t turn around to face me. “Yes you did,” he tells me, and I know he’s gotten some control of himself, because he’s not crying anymore. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. “You’ll always blame me, Kerri,” he whispers. “And it’s why I’m fu'cking out of here tomorrow morning. Me and Elisha. I‘m starting over…without you.”
I bite my bottom lip. I have no more words for him, because he’s right. As much as I try to tell myself that all is forgiven, that he’s my best friend and I need to put what he did behind me…I know it’s all just a cover for my true emotions. I’m still scared of him, of what he did, and what he might do again if given the chance. Maybe it would be better if he simply cut me off, even though that’s not what I want. But I mean, if he cut me off then he wouldn’t have to worry anymore…I wouldn’t be able to cause him any more pain. And I guess part of me knows that’s coming too. I’m going to lose him, just like I lost Justin. It’s tearing me apart, killing me inside, but what’s done is done…I can’t go back and change what I said. And there is nothing I can say that’s going to make it okay. I’ve just yanked the last of his dignity from him, and I know that…
I deserve to die.
The door to the Ritz Carlton opens, and I gasp, half expecting to see Tiny and Justin walk out. But it’s only Elisha, and for a moment or two, I’m slightly relieved. But the feeling quickly leaves me when I see the expression on her face. She’s staring at Trace, and I can tell she knows something isn’t right. “Baby, what’s wrong?”,” she asks him, her arms immediately going around his waist.
“Nothin,” he sniffles a little and turns slightly so I can see his face again. “I was just thinking.”
She sucks in her bottom lip and glances at me quickly. She’s looking to me like a friend would. She wants me to give her some reassurance. But I can’t, because I’m the reason he’s so upset right now.
“Trace, please,” she whispers, running a hand down his tearstained face. “Remember what we talked about?”
He nods a little, and shoots me a disgusted look. “Some people don’t know when to keep their mouth’s shut.” He takes her by the hand and leads her towards the stairs. “Tell Justin I’ll see him tomorrow,” he nods, removing the army hat from his head.
My eyes widen. He’s…he’s not going to come. He’s not going to come because of what I said to him. Justin is going to kill me…he’s not going to love me anymore. Oh god. This can’t be happening. What the hell did I do? “Trace!” I yell, and I really wish I hadn’t. Elisha’s mouth gapes slightly, and I’m sure she knows this is all about me now. “Please, don’t stay behind,” I whimper. “Please.”
He pulls away from his girlfriend and crosses his arms across his chest. “So you can pretend to be little miss perfect for Justin, right?”
“I…”
“Or maybe it’s just so you can get him to fu'ck you later on tonight?” His lips curl into a defiant sneer. “Don’t think I don’t’ know what’s going on.”
Elisha gasps. “Trace!”
He ignores her. “You’re a little sl'ut now, right Kerri?”
I’m shocked. I have no words. The only thing I can think is…he knows what Justin and I did, and I have no idea how. The only possible way he could know, is if Justin told him, and I really didn’t think he would have. But maybe I’m just naïve. Trace may be leaving, but he’s still Justin’s best friend. And there isn’t a thing in the world that Justin has been able to keep from Trace for long. So I guess, Justin did tell him about our intimacy, and it makes me angry. I didn’t want Trace to know, specifically for this reason. Now, he thinks I’m a sl'ut…that I’m using Justin for my own selfish desires. But that’s not the case, not at all. Before, I might have been able to convince Trace of that; but now, he’s entirely too messed up to be able to understand my feelings for Justin. “No…”
“You trying to drive him insane again?,” he continues. “Because you know, it’s working You know why he was puking, don’t you Kerri?”
“Breakfast,” I croak, already knowing that he’s going to tell me I’m wrong.
“No,” he grunts. “He was throwing up at rehearsal’s because of what you went ahead and did. Jesus,” he laughs sadly. “I really thought you had more brains than that, girl. You know what happened…you know the kind of sh'it runs through his mind. How could you possibly think he was ready for that?”
“We--I…he…” I stutter, but I still can’t seem to form a whole sentence for him. I have no idea what I’m supposed to tell him. There’s no excuse to be made. I had sex with him because I love him, and because he loves me. But knowing that his ailments were partially caused by our intimacy, is making me look at things in a new light. Could it be that we had sex because Justin was trying to prove something to himself? No…no it can’t be, because…he really acted like he cared about me. He really showed me that he loved me. So, Trace has to be wrong. He just doesn’t understand us.
Nobody understands us, and really, what goes on between Justin and I is nobodies business. I understand that Trace will always be different, because he’s so involved in both of our lives. But still…he’s not Justin, and he’s not me and he can’t see inside of our minds or our hearts. Only Justin and I know the truth. That we really do love each other, even though our relationship is entirely too complicated most of the time…
Justin has food poisoning, plain and simple; and no…I wont let Trace make me think otherwise.
“Y’all ready to party?”
Justin walks out the door, Tiny in front of him, Eric in back of him. His outfit is simple, but very suiting on him. A black blazer, dress shirt and tie, and a pair of faded jeans with sneakers. His eyes are lit up, and his expression is a laid back, happy one. For a moment, I forget the entire situation because his mood is so chipper. But then he frowns, and I know he’s realized that something is wrong. “What’s up?” His eyes dart from Trace to me and then back again. “You okay?”
Trace barely blinks before responding. “I don’t think I’m up for this.“ He tugs Elisha closer to him, before giving Justin a reassuring pat on the back and forcing a smile. “But look, you call me after the VMA’s, and we’ll talk before you go on at Hammerstein.”
Justin clenches his fists tightly at his sides, and I know he’s extremely uncomfortable with Trace’s decision. “What’s going on?,” he mumbles, shooting me a confused glance. “Kerri?”
“He’s a little under the weather,” Elisha speaks up, before I can. She’s covering for him, and I totally understand why. “I think he’s getting some kind of flu bug…like you have.”
Justin isn’t buying it. “I have food poisoning. That sh'it isn‘t catching, Elisha,” he informs her, before sending Trace a pained glare. “Trace, what the hell is going on?”
“Why don’t you ask her?,” Trace snaps, motioning towards me. “You know, because she always has something to say.”
My mouth gapes slightly, and I feel a few hot tears make their way down my face. I wipe them away quickly, not wanting Justin to see me lose my composure right now. He has a red carpet, and a performance to do. I realize I’m ruining the entire evening, and I have no idea what to do to fix things. I…I can’t fix things. I shake my head roughly. God, I really can’t.
“Everybody is goin’,” Tiny speaks up, gruffly. “I’m not putting up with this bullsh'it. Lynn and Johnny will have my a'ss.”
“Tiny…” Trace begins.
“Get in the damn limo, Trace.”
He scowls, but then Elisha nudges him forward and he reluctantly plods towards the limo, shooting me an angry glare before he gets inside of it. Elisha is next. She glances at me, a confused, almost disappointed look on her face, before she gets in the car as well. I know what she’s thinking, but I won’t dwell on it right now. No, because now it’s only me and Justin, and his burly bodyguards. I’m a nervous wreck, having to face him after what just occured. Any minute, I know he’s going to start screaming at me…tell me I’m ruining everything, and that he can‘t love a manipulative sl'ut like myself. Then I’ll loose him. I’ll loose him all over again. I feel the tears on my face again, but this time I don’t have enough time to hide them from Justin.
“Don’t listen to him.“ He gently kisses my tears away and laces his fingers through mine. “Okay?”
He doesn’t care what happened, he doesn’t care what I said. He doesn’t‘ want to know anything more about it, and god, I can‘t believe how lucky I am…that he loves me so much. I realize no matter what I’ve said or done to upset Trace, Justin will always take my side before he takes his. It’s partly because of the strong feelings he has for me, and even though it’s a horrible thing…I know it’s also because Justin hasn’t totally forgiven Trace for the Shane Crisis either. “But I said…,” I begin, not being able to shake the guilty feeling inside of me.
“Kerrigan,” he interrupts me quietly. “Please don’t worry about him. He’s a grumpy @#%$, and…you know, he has a right to be . But that doesn’t mean he needs to spoil our time too.” He glances around quickly, and since we are at the back entrance of the hotel…there aren’t any fans around to witness our private, sentimental moment. He kisses me hard, full on the lips, before sliding his hands expertly from my waist down to my behind, resting them there. “I love you ,” he reassures me once he breaks the kiss. “And that’s all I want you to think about tonight, all right?” He smiles softly, and runs his hand down my cheek, letting the tips of his fingers linger under my chin for a moment before pulling his hand away. “You look amazing in that dress too,” he reminds me with a small laugh. “I wanted to tell you that before.”
And I can’t help but blush. He really has no idea how long I’ve waited for him to tell me something like that…that I’m amazing looking. I want to pull him close, make out with him until his jacket is half off and his tie is a mess. But then I hear Tiny’s impatient voice, and remember where we are…what we have to go do tonight.
“Come on Justin,” Tiny says, as Eric gets into the limousine. “We got a schedule to keep up with, in case you forgot.”
Justin nods, and obeys, giving my hand a firm squeeze as we get into the limo. Tiny follows right behind us of course, muttering something to himself about ’fu'ckin agendas’, before he closes the door and barks an order for the driver to start driving. Once we get situated, my gaze falls on Trace and Elisha for a moment. They’re seated across from us, huddled in the corner of their long seat, whispering to each other quietly. I could let it get to me, make myself think that Trace is telling her all kinds of horrible things about me; and hell, he probably is. But then I look at Justin, see his calm, collected expression, and I realize that I don’t want to be paranoid or worried or any of that. Justin has a big night ahead of him, and if he can be this calm after being sick, after Trace had to be forced to come along to lend his support tonight…I guess I can be strong too. Strong for him, composed for him…
Anything for Justin.
I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight, and really, it’s all a big gamble. There’s no way of knowing what kind of questions are going to be thrown at Justin tonight, and I’m sure he knows that too. I guess it’s like he’s told me though; as long as I’m there, by his side, everything will be okay. I have to believe that, I have to think positive about tonight; because if I don’t, he’ll be discouraged and it wont be a good thing when he has to go up on stage and face the entire nation. So I sigh, force a smile. And as he puts his arm around me, and kisses my cheek, I find that I’m able to slip out of my anxiety for the moment. I look up at him, and he smiles down at me, lovingly, reassuringly.
“You ready babe?,” he say softly, a hint of playfulness in his voice.
“Yeah,“ I whisper, leaning my head against his chest, and rubbing his thigh with my hand. “I’m ready.“
And right now, in this moment, it seems that we are the only two people in the world that know what it truly means to be in love.
Author's Chapter Notes:
the chapter was too long so i had to make two posts for one chapter
Story Tags: justinandtrace
