It’s funny how love can sneak up on a person. For me, it’s happened one too many times in my life, and always when I’ve least expected it. Justin was always a friend, and sure, when we were little kids sometimes we got curious about penises and vaginas and things like that, and we acted on our curiosity accordingly. I recall the time we’d been sitting in Justin’s living room, playing with his brand new Super Nintendo system. We were about ten years old, maybe even eleven; I can’t really remember. All I know is that, we’d made a bet. Justin told me that if I beat him at Galactic Champion’s, he’d let me see him naked. It was weird to me, because I hadn’t really started to think about boys that way yet. But I guess, we were both getting to that age; and boys at that age are naturally more curious about their sexuality than girls are. I remember blushing, giggling, and calling him crazy…but of course, any idea that Justin came up with usually sparked my interest too. And that one had really sparked it. I couldn’t lie to myself. Despite the fact that I was so young, I was starting to get curious about boys myself, Justin always being the subject of my premature sexual desires. So naturally, being sparked with interest and curiosity, I agreed. Anyway, I sucked at Galactic Champion’s, and figured I would lose the bet anyway.
Unfortunately for me, I neglected to ask him what I would have to do if I ended up losing our bet.
We played for hours, and really, I don’t think I’d ever played Galactic Champion’s as well as I played it that day; Trace being the one responsible for my newly acquired skills. He’d taught me some special moves that he’d discovered while playing with his own system. Ones that he hadn’t shared with Justin. Of course, Trace’s sexual curiosity was in full swing as well, and looking back on it now…I’m almost positive that he had a crush on me that year, and it’s probably why he told me about the game cheats and kept them from Justin. He wanted to stand out I guess, win me over or something; even though I knew I wasn’t, and never would be attracted to him that way.
I almost won the game too. When we reached the final level, and Justin was Lord Borgedon and I was the Sorceress Klirga, I had his power level all the way down to the little red bar. I was in my glory of course, bragging about how he was going to have to show me his boy parts. But I guess I shouldn’t have been so confident, because the next thing I knew…my character was lying in a pool of blood on the screen; zapped to death by a special move I hadn’t even known existed. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I wanted to cry…for letting him defeat me. For letting him prove to me that despite how tough I tried to be, he would always be the strong, dominant one, and I would always just be vulnerable little Kerri Donovan.
“Ha.” He flashed me his famous triumphant smile, before sticking his tongue out at me. “You lost the be-et,” he’d taunted.
“So,” I’d scowled, as I tended to do whenever Justin had beaten me at something. “I didn’t want to see your boy parts anyway, Justin.” I’d rolled my eyes, and reset the game to one player mode, but he’d yanked the controller away from me before I could get into the game by myself. I figured he was being selfish, because he’d gotten the system for his birthday and was still at the point where he was reluctant to share it. “I’m gonna tell your mom,” I’d threatened. “She said you had to let me play too, Justin.”
“But you lost the bet,” he’d reminded me, with a little grin. “So now you have to get a penalty.”
I’d crossed my arms stubbornly, my young mind still too immature to comprehend what he was up to. “That’s not fair,” I’d pouted. “You get the game to yourself all the time, Justin. My daddy won’t get me one.”
“Not the game, silly,” he’d shaken his head, and tossed the controller in front of the television. “I mean, you lost the bet, so now I get to see your girl parts.”
We’d sat in awkward silence for awhile after that. I don’t think either of us really knew what to expect. I mean, when you’re a kid and you lose a bet, you don’t back down from your punishment. If you do, it makes you look like a coward; and since my best friends were a couple of roughhousing boys, it always made it increasingly difficult to back down from anything they dared me to do or told me I had to do. Boys were tough, and I guess I’d always had to give just a bit more effort to make sure I fit in with them. I was a tomboy, I guess, even though I never showed that side of myself around my parents. With them I was always about pink things, and Barbie dolls, and dress up. But the moment I was around Justin and Trace, I was ready to roll around in the dirt, dig for bugs, and play cops and robbers. I wanted to be tough, show them that I wasn’t some sissy little girl. And that day I lost the bet, I felt the same way. I wasn’t going to back down, be a wimp…let Justin run and tell Trace and Nick that I was a coward. So I’d sucked it up. Damn, I was so fucking tough then. What the hell happened?
“Your momma’s in the kitchen,“ I’d whispered; cautiously looking over my shoulder, where I could see Lynn moving about the kitchen. “I can’t show you my girl parts in here.“
He’d quickly switched off the Nintendo, a sense of urgency resting on his young face. “Tree house.” He’d grabbed me by the hand and pulled me through the kitchen and out the back door. I remember laughing a little, and being able to hear Lynn scolding us for running through her kitchen while she was baking. But of course, Justin paid her no mind. His mind had only been focused on making me pay for losing our little bet, and I knew that once we got up into our tree house, there would be no turning back.
The tree house was a large wooden structure set high in the branches of the tall Oak tree that inhabited Justin’s front yard. Justin, Trace, and I had helped his stepfather Paul put it together one summer; and to three little kids…it seemed like the greatest place on earth. There was a tire swing, a cool ladder that you could climb to get up there. We had a table, wooden milk crates for chairs, and a cool hole in the ceiling that was great for star gazing. Justin and I spent many a night there, before he relocated to Florida to do the Mickey Mouse Club. Cuddled in our sleeping bags, we would talk about our dreams…what we would be doing when we were grown. Life was so innocent then. We couldn’t see into the future…the horrible realities that laid ahead for us. All we could figure, was that we would be happy, successful. And that no pain or suffering would ever come our way.
It’s amazing how naïve you can be when you’re a child.
We climbed the ladder quickly, and Justin helped me through the doorway when he reached the top. After quickly drawing the curtain closed over the doorway, he’d taken a seat at the table in the corner and sighed. “Okay,” he’d rasped. “Now we’re alone.”
I stood there, paralyzed, not really knowing what I should do. I was terrified. I kept thinking what would happen if our parents caught us. I knew I would be in trouble, big trouble, and Justin would be too. “But Justin…”
“A bet’s a bet, Kerrigan.” He’d taken a tootsie roll out of the little basket on the table and unwrapped it quickly before shoving it in his mouth. “Come on, don’t be a wuss.”
The fact that he was calling me a wuss, made my emotions flare. I wasn’t about to let him think that way about me, and I didn’t care what I had to do to prove to him that I wasn‘t one. “What do you want to see?” I’d said, a burst of confidence taking over me.
He barely flinched. “You know,” he’d whispered, sucking on the candy in his mouth. “Stuff.”
I’d bit my lip, so hard I thought it was going to start bleeding…but I didn’t back down. I lifted my shirt up over my head, and threw it on the ground. I’d shivered slightly, the February air still a little too brisk to be standing around topless in, but I’d tried not to let my discomfort show. “Well,” I’d said finally.
“You don’t have big ones,” Justin shook his head in disappointment and shoved another candy in his mouth. “Trace has a Penthouse magazine under his bed, that he stole from his daddy‘s closet,” he’d informed me. “Those girls have big ones.”
I’d glanced down at my underdeveloped breasts and shrugged. Really, I didn’t know any better. I wasn’t into comparing my bust size with the other girls at school. I tended to keep to myself mostly, and up until that point in time…the subject of my breast size hadn’t been brought up between Justin, Trace, and I. “Maybe it’s ‘cause they’re older,” I’d pointed out, my face turning a soft shade of pink. “My mom has bigger ones, and she’s older. So does yours.”
He scrunched up his nose. “Eww, Kerri.”
“Well, it’s true.”
“Well fine,” he’d sighed and leaned back against the wall., crossing his arms impatiently. “What else you got?”
I knew what lay hidden beneath my jeans and panties was something that was very private. Something that boys weren’t allowed to see unless you loved them very much. At least, that’s what my mother had always taught me. I wasn’t sure if it was right, to let Justin see. I mean, I knew that he was my best friend in the world, and best friends were supposed to have secrets and do special things that nobody else knew about. But I’d always been fearful about going against my parents wishes, and I knew that my mother would have been very disappointed in me if I let Justin see what he wasn’t allowed to see. But then, I knew if you loved a boy, it was okay. And well, best friends loved each other…and I was Justin’s best friend. So I figured I must have loved him, in a way that only a ten year old girl could love a boy. “I’m only supposed to show you if we love each other. And I guess I love you…but I don’t know if you love me. Do you love me, Justin?”
“That’s gross!” he’d exclaimed. “Love is for sissy’s, Kerri.”
The fact that I was a little hurt was apparent on my face for a moment, but I‘d quickly made myself toughen up again before Justin could catch on. “Then I’m not showing you,” I’d stated, matter of factly. “My mommy said you’re not supposed to show your special place, unless the boy loves you back.”
Then he’d gotten up from the milk crate, and I thought he was going to tell me to forget the whole thing. I figured that he was going to run to Trace’s and tell him all about how I was a sissy that loved him. And then Trace would tell me I had cooties, and I would be mortified. Thinking about all of that, I almost burst into tears. And I very well would have, if he hadn’t said: “Okay, fine. I’ll…I’ll say it. But you can’t tell Trace okay?”
I’d stared at him, my mouth hanging open a little. “Say what?”
He’d sucked in a long breath, as if his dignity was about to be shattered. But I guess, he was so curious about the female anatomy then, that he would have done anything…said anything…to learn more. “I love you,” he’d said, looking out the window quickly to check for eavesdroppers.. “There,” he nodded. “Satisfied?”
Looking back on it now, it was probably the most insincere confession of love to ever come out of Justin’s mouth. But we were so young, and I was so naïve, that I figured he was telling the truth. I figured it was safe to open up, to forget my mothers warnings. So I’d smiled, and giggled a little. “Yes.”
“Okay,” he’d said, stubbornly. “So…go ahead.”
I unbuttoned the top button of my jeans, and yanked them down; revealing my pink Barbie panties. I’d blushed a little, knowing that I’d never really revealed the girlish side of me to Justin before. I was half expecting him to tell me that Barbie was for sissy’s too, but all he said was:
“Momma has me wear boxer shorts. I used to wear like…the boys ones like that. I liked them too, because they had He-Man and Spiderman on them and stuff. But she says I’m too old for those now,” he nodded, his voice full of regret. “Girls don’t have shorts?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so,” I’d whispered.
“Oh.”
Then it was silent again, and I figured the only thing left to do was reveal the rest of myself to him. So I did. I slid my panties down my thighs until they fell down around my ankles. I was nervous, I’d been trembling…and I had no idea what Justin thought about what he was seeing. I’d almost wanted to run away from him and hide, so he couldn’t tell me that my private place was inadequate…but the bolder side of me wouldn’t allow it.
“It looks…different from the magazine pictures,” he’d nodded, his cheeks turning a deep shade of crimson.
Once again I’d shrugged, but this time…I wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “They’re older.”
“I guess.”
Then it was silent, and I felt so out of place standing in front of him naked like I was. I thought I’d made a big mistake, and I started to feel absolutely mortified. But then he said:
“Wanna see mine?”
Naturally, the curiosity had gotten the best of me almost immediately, and I figured it was only fair that he should have to show me his private places since I’d so willingly showed him mine. “Okay.”
“I only have one place,” he’d told me, even though I already knew that boys didn’t have breasts…just little dots on their chests; which according to my mother, were acceptable for them to show when they were outside. It didn’t seem fair to me, that they didn’t have to cover themselves. That in the hot Tennessee summers they were allowed to walk through the sprinklers without their shirts on, while us girls had to suffer and cover ourselves. “But it’s a lot different from yours.”
I’d watched with wide eyes as he’d yanked his own pants and underwear down. Seeing a penis for the first time, was something that shocked me, and made me feel a little inadequate. I knew that Justin had already seen pictures of a girl’s body before, when he’d been misbehaving with Trace’s father’s dirty magazines. But I’d never seen that part of a boy before that day in the tree house. To say I was speechless was an understatement.
“Nick’s brother told us that the bigger they are the better they are,” he’d informed me, a triumphant smile on his face. “And you know, Trace and I looked at each others the other week…”
He was definitely giving me more information than I could handle. And I knew taking things that far with him was something that I hadn’t been ready for. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I’d whimpered, and started to put my clothes back on.
He’d stopped rambling. “I’m sorry, Kerri.”
After I’d slipped my shirt back on, I managed to look at him again. I was still confused of course, but I also knew that what we’d just done was something that was just between us. It was something that nobody else would ever know about, and I was certain that Justin felt exactly the same way. “You wanna play Kirby?,” I’d whispered.
“Yeah.” He yanked his pants back on. “But I get the first controller because it’s my game.”
“Justin!”
Then life went on as if nothing had happened. Years went by, Justin got big, famous…swept me up into his lifestyle. And then, older, wiser…we started to understand each other more. We knew we were attracted to each other, that our feelings for each other were deep, passionate…and we acted on them. We acted on them, he had girlfriends, I didn’t have boyfriends…and then that one fateful night at the Trump brought the special bond we’d formed to a crashing halt.
And last night, brought us back to all of that. It showed us that we never really stopped caring, just that we’d let our emotions get the best of us. The truth is, we do love each other, we’ve always loved each other, we never stopped loving each other, and now we have the chance to work on it again. And come hell or high water, I’ll never let anything tear apart our relationship again. I love him, with my whole heart I love him.
And he loves me.
Now, for the first time in years, I feel at peace with myself. I’m calm, finally. I can relax finally. I can fu'cking sleep finally. And maybe, if I try really hard, if I put all of my effort into this thing and into Justin…just maybe, I can finally stop drinking, too.
“Okay honestly, you need to tell me what you think. And you know, you have to be honest with me Kerri; because I don’t want him to think I look ridiculous in this thing.”
The fact that a gorgeous girl like Elisha could ever think Trace would frown upon her looks, is crazy. She’s amazing looking. Cute, angelic, not too tall, not too short, nice body, but not skin and bones. She has the complexion of a porcelain Madame Alexander doll, and I envy her for it. She can wake up in the morning, and she doesn’t have to make an effort. Not with her hair, not with her makeup…hell, she doesn’t even have to wear make up. She’s a natural beauty, and I really regret the fact that I used to think she was the biggest bitch on the planet; because her personality is as sweet as could be too. We’ve talked a lot, since the boys had their fight and Trace came home. I’ve come to understand her a lot more, and I think she’s come to understand me a lot too. I’m starting to understand what she went through when we were kidnapped…and after the fact. I think she’s starting to understand my whole relationship with Justin too. And I’m glad. I’m glad we can put all the stupid crap behind us and be friends.
I need a friend like her right now.
“Elisha would you just come out here,” I laugh and shift a little in the egg chair I’ve been sitting in. “You know you look good in everything you try on.”
“Oh please.”
I’m really glad she’s not stuck up like most girls in her position are. But then again, I know Trace…and he would never date a girl with a big ego. He’s too timid for that kind of thing. “Just come on!,” I whine.
“Fine.” I hear her sigh, and then the door to her changing room opens. She looks absolutely amazing in the pink Escada dress that the lady picked out for her, and I wonder how she could possibly feel insecure about how she looks in it. I guess it’s what makes her real though. Being a girl, I’ve learned that no matter how thin you are, how nice your body is, you’re never completely satisfied. You look in the mirror and think that you could be better…that you should be better. Of course, some of us are more anal than others about it. Like, take myself…I’ve always felt inadequate around other girls. Especially girls in the business. When I would hang around with Justin and the rest of NSYNC, there would always be so many beautiful woman milling around. Women I couldn’t even begin to compare myself to…
But for some reason, even when Justin was with Britney, he hadn’t been able to keep his eyes off of me.
“Oh my gosh,” I smile, and rise out of the chair. “You look amazing in that!” I stand back and take her in, wishing that I could be half as beautiful as she is. I glance at myself in the mirror, and I feel so out of place here in this store. This isn’t for me, I realize. I’m just a normal girl…I have no special qualities, or the kind of clout you need to belong in a place like this. I almost wish I could run out of here and into the nearest GAP, but I know Elisha would kill me if I tried to.
She does a little twirl for me, gushing slightly, and I’m sure deep inside of her…she knows she looks just as amazing as I’ve made her out to be. “You think so?”
I roll my eyes. “Come on Elisha. You know you look good.”
She pauses in front of the full length mirror and studies herself for a few moments. “I’m just trying to picture Trace next to me,” she tells me. “He doesn’t really like it when I show him up,” she laughs and straightens out the bust line of the dress. “You don’t think it’s too dressy?”
“Elisha, if you don’t wear that dress tonight I’ll do something embarrassing.”
She gasps and turns to face me. “You wouldn’t.”
“I would,” I laugh. “Ask Justin, he’ll tell you I never go back on my word.”
She raises an eyebrow and turns back to the mirror. “How’s he holding up? I haven’t had the chance to talk to him since we checked in. Trace took me to dinner last night, and then we met up with a few people at Virgo.”
She doesn’t have a clue what’s going on between Justin and I, and really…it’s better that way. If Elisha doesn’t suspect then Trace won’t suspect, and that’s the best thing for everybody at the moment. I know Trace is really worried about Justin rushing into things with me, or any girl right now. In all honesty, no, Justin wasn’t ready to go as far as he did, and I’m sure I should have taken my time with him and told him that. But I mean, what could I say? I was totally, deeply, madly, into the moment with him and there was no way in the world that I could have prevented what went down between us. But does that mean I regret it? Does that mean I think it was wrong…having sex with him?
No way.
He loves me. He really does. He told me so, using the most sincere tone I’ve ever heard him use . And really, I had no reason to think he would lie to me now. Not after everything we’ve gone through together. He’s too emotionally fragile to put himself on the line like that, and I know he meant everything he said to me last night. It’s still all very unreal to me though. I never expected him to do this…to give me a chance to show him how much I love him. I figured because of Shane and everything, it would take him years to even think about having sex with anybody again. But I mean, he did it…we did it, and he wasn’t scared and he didn’t flip out or cry or anything. He wrapped me up, made me feel loved. He kissed me, whispered things in my ear that up until then…I’d only prayed he’d say to me someday. The sex was slow, meaningful, and passionate; better than the first time. And when I awoke from our night of passion…I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect; the vision of him sitting by the window, chatting on his phone, plaguing me.
But he wasn’t sitting by the window. He was there, asleep in the bed with me, one arm casually draped over my naked body. I’d shifted closer to him, and studied him for a few moments. I remember thinking about how peaceful he seemed, and feeling horrible that most of the time…he was never that calm. I leaned in, and kissed his cheek . And then, his eyes fluttered open, revealing the angelic blue beauty that lied within.
“Hey,” he’d rasped, sending me a tired smile.
“Hey.” I’d said it softly, and ran my hand down his cheek.
He’d pulled me closer to his naked form and gently kissed my forehead. “You know I love you right?”
“Yeah,” I’d smiled softly, wrapping my arms around him. “I love you too.”
We’d had sex once more…twice more, our minds filled with nothing but the deep passion we‘ve always shared for one another. I was afraid Justin was going to stop at some point. That he would tell me he was afraid, that he couldn’t love me anymore. I was afraid he would leave me again. But he didn’t do any of those things. Every kiss brought him closer to me, every touch seemed to make him yearn for me that much more, and I knew…I knew things were changing for the better. I was it for him, I realized. The only one that he needed to make it through all of this horrible bullsh'it we’ve been dealing with. And I also realized…that he’s it for me too, that’s he’s always been it for me.
And I’m never going to let him go.
Then the phone rang, forcing us to snap back into the reality of our lives. Naturally, it was Trace, wanting to know why we hadn’t come down for breakfast yet. I guess we’d been so caught up in things, that we’d lost track of time. Glancing at the clock, I’d realized it was nearly eight o’clock and Justin had to get to rehearsals by nine forty five. Regretfully, I’d had to pry myself away from him; but not before receiving a few more loving kisses and promises of an entertaining evening from my boyfriend. I can’t wait to see him again today. I feel like a giddy teenager waiting for the bell to ring so I can meet my boyfriend at my locker. It’s that giddy, silly kind of love…and I can’t even remember the last time I felt this good, this positive about the future.
“He’s good,” I tell Elisha finally, not being able to hide the stupid smile that spreads itself across my face. “A little nervous about tonight, but I think he’s going to be fine.”
She chuckles a little, obviously noticing my overly excited expression at the mention of his name. “Would I be out of line if I asked you where you guys stand, emotionally?”
I bite my bottom lip. Elisha is my friend and everything, but there’s no way I’m going to tell her about last night. I mean, that’s private, personal…and I know Justin wouldn’t want me blabbing about it to Elisha, especially since she’s Trace’s significant other. For once, I think we both want to keep what we do private. I think it’s better this way. We don’t have to worry about people pressuring us…we don’t have to worry about Trace harassing us about ‘doing the right thing’. I know Trace means well of course, but still…I feel that Justin and I need this time to be private…to work things out on our own. This is our thing, something that nobody should be able to control or talk down. It’s good for our well beings too, being able to have control over something in our lives. “Justin and I have always been close,” I tell her, cautiously. “And I think right now…we’ve gotten to the point where we can share the same bond that we used to, you know?”
Elisha nods a little, but I can tell that she can see right through me . She knows there’s more to the story, but I’m sure she also knows that I’m not about to reveal anything to her either. She opens the door to her dressing room, and shoots me a little smirk. “You’re so in love with him, it’s ridiculous,” she giggles. “And you know Kerri, I’m really happy for you. And if Justin feels the same way, that’s a really good thing too. I wouldn’t want to see him with anybody else right now…I don’t think anybody else could understand him the way you can.”
I shrug a little. “Well…” I trail off. I mean, I could go ahead, lie, and tell her that Justin and I are simply close friends and nothing more. But I don’t really see the point. Telling her that Justin and I are a couple now, isn’t the same as admitting that we slept together. And besides, she’s Trace’s girlfriend, and I know it’s only a matter of time before Trace finds out the truth for himself. If I don’t tell Elisha, she’ll hear the truth from Trace anyway. “Well yeah. I mean, I guess you can say we’re a couple,” I nod.
She rolls her eyes and laughs heartily. “From the way Justin used to talk about you before…everything happened…I figured you’d always been a couple,” she tells me. “You know, I knew you guys weren’t talking and everything. And this was way before I’d even met you. But you know, sometimes Trace and Justin would be sitting around talking, and they would get into some crazy story about something you and Justin did together. I swear girl, that was the only time I ever saw his face light up like that.”
I blush a little bit, and I find that I’m a little bit surprised. Over that three year gap in our friendship, I didn’t think Justin ever thought about me…talked about me. And hearing Elisha tell me this now, makes me believe in my new relationship with him even more. “When you know somebody your entire life, I guess it’s hard to let go of them,” I whisper. “And sometimes, I think that if we hadn’t been…taken…we wouldn’t have ever reconnected. So I guess, in a way…what happened to us, had to happen.” I look down at the ground and sigh. “But I think…I’d give it all up if it meant that Justin wouldn’t have had to endure…all of that.”
Her smile fades, and she slowly comes over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You’re so strong,” she whispers. “To go through all of that, and then…to just give yourself so selflessly to Justin like you did. I mean, I love Trace and everything but…I don’t know how I would have dealt with things if we‘d been put through the kidnapping instead of you. I…I don’t think I’m that strong. And you know, I really look up to you Kerri. Thinking about how much you’ve gone through, it helped me, you know? It helped me to help Trace,” she pauses and shakes her head. “I-I honestly don’t think I’d be with him right now if it wasn’t for you.”
I look into her eyes, and for the first time I realize what I’ve done. All this time I’ve felt like such a failure, when really…I’ve been helping Justin more than I’ve been able to realize. Sure, things were hard when I first came out here. Him being in that clinic set him apart from the rest of the world, and he wasn’t ready to deal with me at first. But I didn’t give up, maybe because I was afraid to go and face the world on my own again, and in turn…that helped Justin to come out of his shell a little bit. It helped him to remember a little bit of the person he was, and it helped him to remember that I was in that basement with him too. I think it made him a little stronger, a little bit more prepared to face reality again. And I maybe, if I’d simply chickened out and stayed in New York when Trace asked me to come out to Los Angeles, Justin would still be in that god forsaken place.
I guess I must have helped Trace a lot too, because before I found out what was going on with Justin, Trace was dealing with everything by himself. And sure, it took him a while to come out about Shane and what he ‘did’ to help our kidnapping become a reality, but still…he eventually broke down and told the truth. He did it because I guess, I encouraged him to do it; told him he had to do it. Maybe I’m not such a failure after all. Maybe all these negative things I’ve been thinking about myself have simply been due to my own insecurities about the situation. The insecurities that I still refuse to talk about with anybody. Maybe I am a vital link in all of this. Maybe Trace and Justin would be completely lost without me…
But for some reason, I can’t totally make myself believe that.
Lost without you? Nathan laughs. You’re not helping anybody with your stupid drinking, and the way you manipulate Justin into thinking he’s a real man. You know he’s not right? You know he’s in love with Shane don’t you? And you know that Trace thinks you’re a selfish little bi'tch…
I’m nauseated.
“I…” I take a deep breath, and look away from Elisha before I really break down. “Glad to help,” I manage for her.
“Hey, you okay Kerri?,” she asks me, her voice full of concern.
I force a pleasant smile for her. Thank goodness for great acting skills. “Oh yeah,” I say, with a little wave of my hand. “ I was just thinking…about um, what I’m supposed to wear to this thing,” I lie.
She laughs a little. “You’ve come to the right person, girl.” She leads me back out onto the sales floor, still in the beautiful pink dress. The lady that’s been helping us rushes over to me, grinning . Grinning because she knows this is Justin Timberlake’s account I’m using, and she can sell me whatever dress she wants to. It makes me feel like a gold digging sl'ut, but I mean, I don’t really have a choice here. I don’t have the kind of money you need to buy a dress here, and I know that I need to look good tonight. So, for the first time, I put my insecurities about spending Justin’s money out of my mind and let the lady do what she’s paid to do; the thought that the better I look, the more secure Justin will feel, lingering in the back of my mind.
****************
I threw up again once we got back to the hotel room, and the whole time I could hear Trace in the background, muttering about how stupid I was to ‘pull sh'it like this before the awards’. I swear, if I hadn’t been so weak I probably would have punched him in the face, and so…it’s probably better that I was puking my brains out. Because if I had punched him, I don’t even want to think about what might have ended up happening.
The doctor came to my suite about an hour after we came back from VMA rehearsals, and it’s a fu'cking coincidence or something, I swear to god; because Trace’s theory about me having food poisoning was right. The doctor said I must have ate some bad food, because I had all the vital symptoms of food poisoning. He ran a couple of tests on me, and concluded that he could give me a shot of B-12 that would get me through the awards and my concert tonight. But he also said that I would have to take it easy all day tomorrow.
I’d felt a huge wave of relief wash over me when he told me that. All that time I’d thought my vomiting was due to the sex, when it was really probably due to that weird tasting egg sandwich I ate before going to rehearsals this morning. Funny, I hadn’t even remembered eating it until the doctor told me what was wrong with me. I guess I was just so stressed about everything…sex with Kerri, my homosexual thoughts, and the fact that I have to perform in front of millions of people for the first time since I was abducted, that it all took its toll on me. It made me vulnerable, let Shane back inside of me where he made me think bad, horrible, things. I really…I can’t let that happen anymore. I need to be stronger than this. I need to be a fu'cking man and stop thinking about being gay all the time.
But I mean, how the hell can I do that?
“I don’t want you getting up until an hour before we have to leave,” Momma tells me, sitting down on the edge of my bed and handing me a little bottle of ginger ale. “Really baby, I wish you could skip this thing all together. But you’re already slated to perform at the awards, and we drove by Hammerstein before to see what the crowd looked like,” she chuckles a bit. “The line is all the way around the corner and down to the next block,” she sighs but flashes me a sympathetic smile, before adjusting the damp cloth resting across my forehead. “You’ll be able to do it right?”
She’s counting on me to suck it up and perform, and I know that, even though she probably feels horrible about it. But I mean, I’m sure my label and Johnny and the rest of my management team was all over her a'ss about me being able to perform tonight. She hasn’t said it, but she doesn’t really have to…this night is really important. Not only is it the VMA’s, but it’s also a huge stepping stone in my life and career. It’s basically my comeback. People want to see what’s up with me now that I’ve overcome all of this. They want to dig into me, to see if I’ve gone nuts. And it’s my job to show them that I’m fine…that I’m the same guy I’ve always been, even though I’m not. So I’ll do it. I’ll do it because people are counting on me to do it. I’ll do it to shut them all up, so maybe in a few months time I can actually start to work on becoming the guy I used to be again. “I’m fine, momma,” I say lightly, and yawn a little. “It’s just a little stomach virus.”
She stares at me for a moment, a loving, motherly concern on her face. “I’m worried about you,” she whispers. “I don’t want you to be in any pain. I don’t care what anybody has to say about it…if you’re not up to this then we’ll cancel, okay?”
Once again, I try to look her in the eyes, and it kills me…but I still can’t do it. So, I take a long sip of my ginger ale, and place the bottle on the nightstand instead. “I’m not in pain,” I chuckle lightly, and give her hand a squeeze. “Mom, really…I’m a professional, and I’ve been sick before lots of shows in the past. You know that, and you know I can do it.”
She shakes her head and sighs. “I guess so, but…this isn’t like before, Justin.”
She’s right, so right and it makes me want to break down and confess all of my secrets to her right here and now. I love my mother so damn much, and it kills me to know that I’ve been keeping so many things from her. I know she feels I’m keeping a lot from her too…I‘m sure of it. My mother and I have always had a special bond, and I’ve never been able to lie to her or keep anything from her in the past without breaking down and crying because of it. And…I have cried about keeping the rape and the other aspects of the kidnapping from her. I think, it breaks me a little bit more every day…knowing that there’s something in my life that I can’t talk about with her. Madison really worked on getting me to talk to her the last few times we had our sessions together too, and it’s not like I didn’t want to take her advice. I think telling my mom about what Shane did to me would make me feel totally refreshed…like a new person. But I’m so afraid of what her reaction will be once I tell her. What she’ll say…what she’ll do. And if…if she doesn’t take it well…if she shuts me out, if she stops talking to me and starts avoiding me…if she thinks it’s my fault…
I think I’ll die.
“You know,” she speaks up before I can dish out another fake sense of reassurance for her. “You can talk to me, Justin. You can tell me anything, and I’ll understand. Or at least-- I‘ll try to.”
I focus my gaze on the muted television. “I know,” I say, my voice barely audible. “But I’m a little tired right now, momma.” I press my lips together, and pray to god that she’ll simply leave the room before I loose my composure. I feel my throat tighten…the tears are going to come. Damn it…no. I can’t do this right now. I have four hours until show time, and I will not let this fu'cking kidnapping effect me any more than it has today.
“Okay, honey,” I hear her say. She removes the cloth from my forehead, and I hear her whimper…so softly that I don’t think she knows I’ve heard her. My heart skips a beat, and this time…this time I look at her. I look her…
I look her right in the eyes.
Oh my God…I think, because I can really see it now. Now that I’ve allowed myself to take this first step I can truly see what’s happened to my mother. Her eyes are lost, empty, full of confusion and pain. She’s desperate to help me, and she doesn’t know what the fuck to do, because I won’t let her in. It’s killing her, slowly, painfully, like a little dagger that is continuously stabbing at her…and there’s nothing anybody can do to help her. The only thing that’s going to help her is if I talk to her. But how? How can I just tell her? Fu'ckin’ Christ, I can’t just tell her that I was raped…that I let him fu'cking rape me. I…I can’t. “I can’t.” I say the words out loud, and fu'ck…fu'ck I didn’t want to. Not at all.
“Justin,” she whispers. “What is it?”
I shake my head roughly. “Nothing. Nothing, I’m okay momma. Really.” I don’t know how, but I manage to smile for her. But she doesn’t smile at me, and I know that I’ve confused her even more. God, I always do this. I always fuck somebody’s life up, no matter how hard I try to be a good person and keep to myself. The littlest comments or emotional whimpers can send me to the brink of my sanity in the blink of an eye . I’m not safe to be around…not at all. It’s why Trace is leaving, it’s why my mother’s emotions are shot to hell…
But it doesn’t explain why Kerri still has so much damn faith in me.
She loves me. She loves me regardless if I’m a fu'cked up freak show or not.
I smile.
“I’ll go get you a fresh cloth…” Her voice trails off, and she sighs before disappearing from the doorway.
I groan a little, and turn over on my side. The stress of the moment causes my stomach to start twisting and turning again, sending twinges of pain through my system. I clutch my stomach and squeeze my eyes shut, willing the pain away, until I realize that Shane might come back if I keep them closed long enough; so I force myself to open them again. But this time, my mother isn’t standing there with that look of desperation on her face…in her eyes. Instead, I see Kerri standing there, the wet cloth my mother was supposed to bring me in her hand. Damn, I don’t even know where she came from…how she got here. But I guess it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she’s here…she’s back , and this time I can smile genuinely instead of forcing it. “Hi puddin’,” I laugh stupidly, but don’t take my hands away from my stomach. I find that it still hurts, and damn, I really hope it stops before I have to leave.
“What’s the matter?” Her expression is a worried one, and she slowly crawls into bed with me, placing the cool cloth over my hot forehead. Her hair is all done up in one of those fancy designer updos, and I’m surprised, because its not really like her to make a huge effort for this kind of thing . In the past, she’s kept it simple…worn her hair straight, put on a little make up, and worn a cute little top and skirt. But being around Elisha probably intimidated her, and I’m certain that she probably conned Kerri into going all out for tonight. I guess Kerri felt that she had to fit in, and I wish like hell she wasn’t so insecure when it comes doing this kind of stuff with me. I love her regardless of what she does with her hair, or what she wears. Hell, she could wear a tee shirt and jeans to this thing and I wouldn’t care. Just as long as she’s there, by my side…holding my hand, that’s all I really care about.
“You’re gonna mess your hair,” I nod. “Don’t worry about me.”
She shrugs. “Screw it,” she whispers, and leans into me. “You’re more important than any stupid hair style.” She runs her hand down the side of my face, a loving concern in her eyes. “What happened? Trace said you got sick at rehearsals?”
I gasp at the thought that she talked to Trace. What happened? Does she know I told him about last night? Did he give her a damn lecture, tell her she was wrong to love me? No, he couldn’t have…because if that was the case then Kerri would be upset with me. And she’s not. She’s just worried about me…she still loves me. So I guess Trace decided to be a good friend and hold everything back for a night. I have to remember to thank him later, but I’m sure he’ll only give me a fu'cking attitude about it. “I have food poisoning.” I let out a tired laugh, and force myself to wrap my arms around her. Surprisingly, the pain level in my stomach drops as her body makes contact with mine. I realize the conversation with my mother must have stressed me out, and caused my stomach to become upset again. So does that mean I’m going to feel sick every time my mother tries to get me to talk to her? Probably…but I’m sure I can handle the pain as long as Kerri is around to calm me down.
“Are you serious?” Kerri whispers, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek. “God, you know, I knew there was something weird about that breakfast in the lobby. I should have told Tiny not to get you anything…”
“Kerri,” I chuckle lightly. “You didn’t know okay? Sh'it happens, but I’ll be fine. The doctor gave me a shot, and I’ll be able to get through tonight,” I reassure her. “Tomorrow I’ll just have to take it easy, that’s all.”
“Still…”
I silence her with a soft kiss. “Stop, okay?”
She half smiles. “Sorry.”
“So what did you guys do all day?,” I ask her, hoping a causal conversation like this one will help me to forget about the stressful one I just had with my mother. “You go shopping?”
She nods. “Elisha helped me find a dress for tonight.” She blushes a little, and tucks her head into the crook of my neck, kissing the skin there. “And I feel horrible because they just billed it right to your account, Justin. It was so fu'cking expensive…”
I’ve never dated a girl that cared how much of my money she was spending. They always knew I was good for it, and they didn’t care if I thought they were being selfish either. They just spent, I tried to be a good boyfriend…but for some reason, they always seemed to fu'ck me over in the end. Kerri has never been one to overextend herself though. She’s always been money conscious, and she’s always felt uncomfortable when I’ve thrown money at her too. I guess it’s because of the type of family she came from; middle class, hard working people that taught her the value of a dollar . I was raised the same way of course, but once I had more money that I knew what to do with…I always wanted to spoil my family and friends, especially Kerri.
I guess I always felt she deserved the best, more than the rest, because she cared about me so much. And I tried to give it to her, I always tried…but she hardly ever let me. Now that we’re a couple though, there’s no way I’m going to let her get away with that anymore. I’ll provide her with whatever she needs, because hell…her parents view on her life is so fucked up, that she can’t depend on them anymore. I want to shower her with things…everything. Cars, money, clothes, jewelry. She deserves it all, and I don’t really care what she has to say about it.
I’m gonna spoil my baby.
“Kerri,” I narrow my eyes at her. “You know…you’re my girl now. I want to buy you things, and make you happy. It’s not a bad thing, okay?“
“But, I don’t want that,” she whispers and shakes her head. “Really Justin, you don’t owe me anything. And I’m not some little trophy girlfriend that needs to be provided for either. I mean, I’m going to be your personal assistant and I guess that means you’ll be paying me. So really, I want to provide for myself, okay?”
It makes me uncomfortable to hear her say that. It makes me feel like…I’m not strong enough to provide for her. That I’m not man enough to provide for her. I feel like a little f'ag again, and the pain in my stomach begins to return. “Oh,” I frown, even though it’s silly. Kerri has always been an independent girl. Well, at least she was until we were kidnapped. I see it more now, her insecurities toward the outside world. She doesn’t do too many things on her own now, and she hardly ventures outside of the house back in LA unless she goes with somebody. But I guess that’s a good thing too. I’d rather have her be with somebody when she goes out; and actually, I’ve been considering hiring a few extra security guys so Eric can be her personal body guard for the tour. I mean, I don’t really think anything is going to happen…but I know how the world works. I know what it’s like to go home, where you think its safe, and be put in danger before you know what’s happening. I haven’t talked to her about it yet, and no…I don’t know how Kerri is going to feel about having a big guy escorting her everywhere she goes, but I’ve basically made my mind up already. I’m not about to take any chances.
This world is a dangerous fu'cking place.
“Look, that’s what I want,” she tells me. “And you said you want to make me happy right?”
I smile at her intelligence. “Sly aren’t you?,” I whisper.
She laughs. “I try.”
“Well fine,” I agree, half heartedly. “But you’re going to have to put up with gifts from me sometimes. I don‘t care what you say.”
She grabs my lips with hers and giggles against me. “I guess I’ll have to deal with it.” She removes the cloth from my forehead and kisses my damp skin softly. “You don’t feel warm,” she says, with a little sigh of relief.
“You made me better,” I say, with a cheesy grin, and hug her to my chest.
We lay together in silence for awhile after that, our arms wrapped around each other in a peaceful, loving embrace. We kiss, let our hands wander under each others clothes, exploring each other secretly, quietly…so my mother doesn’t hear us. It all seems so perfect, so unreal, that I have to keep looking her in the eyes to make myself believe that it’s all actually happening. I have Kerri in my arms, and…and she loves me. And somehow, I’m able to love her back, despite the confusion I have about my sexual preference. I mean, I can’t deny that this feels right…that I never want to let her go. But then there’s that nagging fear. That fear that something might go wrong, that I’ll snap and realize that I’m really gay. Or that something will anger me so much that I’ll flip out and hurt her again.
I’m still so afraid of so many things, and it starts to make me wonder if this is all going to work out. In a months time, will we still be able to lay together like this and simply love each other, without being insecure or worried or afraid? I try to make myself believe we will. But the logical part of me keeps reminding me that this is still only the beginning of my coping process, and that it’s going to be hard making a relationship work with my career, and my fu'cked up psyche getting in the way all the time. Deep inside, I know I still need time to think things through, but I won’t allow myself to take it. I love her too much, and I want to be with her…I don’t care about the other sh'it right now.
God, I lived right? I had a gun to my head, I let them shove me down there, I sat in that basement. I let him…do things to me, and I fu'cking lived. We both fu'cking lived. So I mean, this is my time now. My time to live, to see things and do things and experience things that will turn my life around again. It’s Kerri’s time too. And right now, we both want the same thing…to love each other. So I can’t let my stupid emotions get in the way of this. I really want this to work. I want to be her boyfriend for a few years, let her transform me back into the Justin I used to be. And maybe even…marry her one day, years down the road. I take a deep breath. I have to make it work. To keep myself sane, I have to.
“Your mother was quiet when I came in,” she tells me after a moment, her soft smile fading a bit. “Is everything okay?“
My breath catches in my throat, and I tear my eyes from hers. “She’s…fine.” God, what the hell? Now I’m lying to her again.
Kerri frowns, and draws back from me slightly. My hands go to her waist, and I try to pull her back to me, but she won’t let me. “Justin, I know you’re lying,” she whispers. “And lying never gets us anywhere, okay?”
I shrug. This has nothing to do with us…with our love, so I don’t understand why she’s bringing momma into our conversation right now. She knows that I can’t talk to momma like that, tell her about what I went through. Hell, she knows why too. “Just leave it for now okay?,” I beg, giving her another gentle kiss. “There’s a lot going on tonight.”
She sucks in her bottom lip and sighs deeply. I know she’s hurt that I’m avoiding the subject right now, and I guess…I’m an as'shole for not wanting to discuss how I feel about it with her. Because really, if I don‘t talk to Kerri, who else am I going to talk to about it? I think, Trace will understand, but then I remember…I remember that he doesn’t care anymore. Well okay, I know he cares; but he’s…busy, and I have to make myself understand the he’s caught up in his own life, and he’s going to be for some time. He doesn’t’ have time to deal with my emotional bullsh'it, and it’s why he gave me such an attitude when I was puking my brains out earlier, instead of being patient and talking me through it. So…that leaves Kerri. Kerri who understands, Kerri who loves me…Kerri who will never abandon me. “She…wants to know too much,” I whisper, a slight tremble to my voice. “You know what I mean, Ker.”
She nods a little. “But she cares, Justin,” she says, finally allowing me to pull her back to my chest when I tug at her hips again. “She’s really…so in the dark about everything, and I know you want to tell her, Justin.” She kisses my cheek and chin. “And you can tell her. She’s not going to hate you, or be mad at you because of…Shane, you know? She’s your mother, and she loves you. She‘ll always love you.”
I take what she’s just said into careful consideration. Kerri knows momma, probably as well as I do; and to hear her tell me that momma won’t hate me or resent me if I tell her about the rape, makes me a little less uncomfortable about finally admitting it to her. But, I don’t even know how I would go about telling momma about it. Really, how do you just go to somebody and tell them you were raped, especially when that somebody is family? It’s a huge step for me, doing this. Probably the one of the biggest ones I’ll ever have to make in this coping process. But hearing Kerri tell me that it’s something I have to do, has opened my eyes a little bit. I want to be better, and…I guess talking to momma about everything will help me get there. “What do I do?,” I whisper, burying my face in the crook of her neck. “What the hell am I supposed to tell her, Kerri?”
“The truth,” she says. “All you have to do is tell her the truth, Justin. You can worry about the details later.”
I hold her closer, tighter to me, and kiss her passionately. I don’t say anything, because I don’t need to. I know she gets it…she knows that I’m going to tell my mother when the time is right. And that time is coming quickly, rapidly. Of course I can’t deny that it scares me, but at the same time…I know it’s what I have to do to live my life normally. “How’d I get so lucky to get you back, huh?,” I whisper, gazing into her beautiful blue eyes. “Lord knows, I don’t deserve any part of you, Kerrigan.”
“Justin.” She kisses my temple softly, lovingly. “You’re the only one that deserves me.”
And I find that I can’t stop my smile from forming.
Story Tags: justinandtrace
