My mom flew in from Tennessee the day before yesterday. I was happy to see her. Really, that’s the truth. It felt good to hug and kiss her again and hear her call me baby babe, as dorky as that is. I guess I’ve always been a momma’s boy though, and now that my life’s spun out of control I’m probably worse than I’ve ever been. But as much as I love my mother, I couldn’t hold back the feeling of discomfort that came over me when we got into my car. Being alone with her has been something I’ve feared since my return home from the House Of Horrors…

I don’t want her to know about…it.

I can’t remember a time in my life before the kidnapping, that I was ever uncomfortable around my mom. Like, I know most kids go through that stage where they feel that their parents are too old, and hanging around them makes them look stupid and immature. But I guess I can’t compare myself to them, because I didn’t grow up along with the masses. I’ve been performing ever since I was old enough to grab a microphone and sing, and my mom has been the most supportive parent in the world. She moved to Florida when I landed the MMC job, and she stuck by me after it got cancelled, so I could continue to pursue my career in this business.

Money was tight in those days, and she had to work odd jobs, waiting tables at night so she could take me to auditions in the day time. I’ll admit, it was hard; and at times I felt like I was pushing my mother too hard for my own selfish desires. If it hadn’t worked out I know we would have ended up even more broke than we started out. But…it did work out. JC met Lou and Johnny, told me about them, and after my mother and I had a short lunch with them one afternoon, the rest was history.

Then things were good…almost too good, up until this year anyway. This year, my ass got kicked back into reality in the worst way. I didn’t see it before, but now I do…I was starting to forget that I’m only human. That I’m not that much better than the average Joe on the street, and things can still get hard. I can still get hurt… I did get hurt. And I’m supposed to be able to talk to my mom about it. She’s supposed to be somebody I can run to for support, along with Trace and Kerri. She’s my parent, my mother, and I love her…

But rape. Rape is something that’s so disgusting, so…evil; I can’t bring myself to admit to her that it happened to me. That I let it happened to me. And that, I might have even wanted it to happen. Sitting in my living room with her last night, I tried to look her in the eyes. I haven’t truly looked my mother in the eyes since the kidnapping, and it’s been one of those things…one of those goals that I’m supposed to work on accomplishing before the end of the year. It’s stupid that something so simple is this hard for me, but…it is. And no, I couldn’t look her in the eyes last night. I couldn’t look her in the eyes when we picked her up from the airport either. Hell, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes when she made my favorite breakfast for me this morning.

I sigh heavily and put my feet up on the windowsill. That cat is here today, the one that likes me, and I smile as it jumps from the top of the file cabinet and onto my lap. It purrs, and nudges its head against my chest, willing me to pet it. I do, and it sits with me contently. It trusts me, it doesn’t think I’m abnormal or queer or a fag. That almost makes me feel good. But then again, it’s only a cat.

“So, tell me what’s been going on.” Madison leans back in her leather desk chair and rests her hands on her stomach. “How was the rest of the time with Kerri?”

“Oh…it was good.” I try not to hesitate, because I don’t want her to get the wrong idea. I’m not lying. It was good. Awkward maybe. But it was good all the same. “You know, we talked things out that day. I think we’re on the same page now, and she’s going to go on the road with us so…I think it’s going to be a really positive thing for her...for the both of us.” I’ve been sitting here, debating whether or not telling Madison about things with Kerri is a good idea. Granted, I know I’m not supposed to hold back when I’m here talking to her. And kissing Kerri, hell, kissing any woman right now is a huge step in my coping process. But if I talk, if I tell Madison about this, I’m almost positive that she’ll want to talk to Kerri about it. And I know Kerri won’t go for that. She’ll blame me, yell at me…and right now, the last thing I want is to be on bad terms with that girl.

Maybe I’ll be a sneaky little bastard today.

“Trace seems to think something is going on with you two.”

Fuck. I’m going to kill him. I don’t let my emotions show through though. I can’t. I need to seem calm, much better than I’ve been…ready to face the world. Or else she’ll tell them all that I still need guidance, and then I’ll be forced to take a crazy doctor on the road with me. “There’s nothing going on,” I force a light chuckle. “Besides the fact that we’re friends, and she’s helping me out with stuff.”

But Madison can see right through my lie. I hate it. She’s so young, yet so wise. She reminds me of my mother in a lot of ways, and it’s weird. She’s young enough to date me for Christ’s sake. “I need you to be truthful with me, Justin,” she nods. “You know that, and you know it’s the only way to make your therapy work the way it’s supposed to.”

I scoot the cat off of my lap, and remove my feet from the window sill. “What did he tell you,” I mutter, not quite meeting her gaze.

“Enough,” she smiles slightly.

“Okay fine,” I groan. “So I was comfortable, so I…so I kissed her. You can’t blame me.” I point my finger at her. “I mean, she wanted to do it too.”

“Justin.” Madison laughs and shakes her head, while writing something down on her legal pad. “I don’t think that this is a bad thing, and I’m not mad or disappointed in you. In fact, I’m proud of you for taking that step…finding that part of yourself again for the first time. Kerri is a good girl, a good friend to you, and she always has been. I suppose, I’d rather you have kissed her than any body else.” But then her smile fades, and she sighs a little.

“But…” I say, knowing there’s more to her speech.

“But,” she sighs. “I don’t think that now is the time to be exploring your sexuality, Justin. We’re still working on getting you past that first layer of pain inside of you.”

I cross my arms. “Oh,” I grunt. “So then I should just sit around, wondering if I’m a homo then, until it’s time to find out the truth?”

“Do you still feel that you’re gay Justin?” she counters, folding her arms under her breasts. “Now that you’ve kissed Kerri?”

I’m silent, and I try to lie to her and tell her no. But…I can’t do it. I can’t lie to this woman. So I admit it to myself. I still…I still have no idea what I am, and I feel like such a fool for trying to be somebody that I‘m not. What am I doing? What…what am I thinking about, wanting to touch and kiss Kerri like I have been? I’m going to end up hurting her more, I realize. And that’s what Madison is leading into.

“Justin,” she says, breaking my thoughts. “Please answer my question.”

“Yes,” I say quickly. I look away from her, so she wont be able to see the tears dripping down my face. “But I feel like less of a faggot when I kiss her, Madison. Is that wrong? Am I selfish for wanting to feel that way?”

“You’re reaction is typical for a rape victim,” she reassures me. “You want to feel like yourself. You want to make sure that you’re not that person he tried to turn you into. And, you and Kerri shared something special once, and now…that you’ve been faced with all of this, it feels right to kiss her. She’s the only woman that can understand, and accept your feelings. But Justin, you need to take some time with this. I would hate to see you rush into…,” she pauses and sighs. “You and I both know that you aren’t ready to take on any kind of sexual activity.”

I nod. “I know,” I whisper. “I just…I didn’t think okay? We’ve been sleeping in the same bed, every night Mad. You know, because Kerri really has a hard time sleeping now if I’m not next to her. And I don’t want to see her go without sleep. She’s scary when she doesn’t sleep, and she does things…like the drinking. I guess I just figured I could help her too.” I look down at my lap and shrug my shoulders a little. “But, I can’t help anybody. I’m too fucked up to help anybody.”

“That’s not true.”

Her response shocks me, and I look up at her in surprise. “What?”

“You’ve helped that girl more than you realize,” she points out. “You just cant see it, because she’s too stubborn to let it show. But think about it Justin. If you weren‘t doing right by her…she would have probably gotten on that flight to New York the minute Trace came home.”

Kerri is sticking around for my sake, and it’s something I’ve learned to accept. I feel bad about it…pulling her out of school, away from her friends…her future. But I didn’t think that I was helping her. I mean, I want to help her…but everything I do just seems to backfire. Not that I’m surprised. I’m such a freak, a failure…everything I touch seems to explode in my face. “I doubt that,” I sigh. “She’s staying here because she feels like she has to.”

Madison laughs. “She’s definitely not the type to do anything she doesn’t want to do, Justin. I knew that the first time I met her.”

I smile, just slightly. “She’s stubborn, that girl.”

“What about your mother,” she raises an eyebrow. “She’s here right?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “She flew in a couple of days ago. She wants to be around before I have to go back to New York.” I pause and scratch the corner of my mouth. “Like, I guess shes’ trying to evaluate me or something. She’s still hell bent on convincing me to bring a doctor on tour.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“Angry.” I hug my knees to my chest, and rest my chin on the tops of my knees. “It’s my life, but she seems to think I don’t have the right to run it on my own. Actually, most people seem to think that way…including fuckin Trace.” I pick my head up and look at her, but she doesn’t’ seemed surprised at my comment. “Like, god, I don’t know what he told you…but right now I think he’s a lot more messed up than I am. He shouldn‘t be trying to run my life and fix his own. It‘s too much, and I can tell that he‘s not as like…focused, as he was before.”

“He’s having a difficult time coping with his breakup, on top of everything else that’s been going on,” she says. “He knows that he hasn’t been there for you lately like he should be, and he feels bad about that.”

“Well he should,” I mutter. “He doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I had to ream his ass the other day to get some kind of explanation out of him. I think…” I pause and sigh. “I think something is wrong with him. Like something he’s not talking about. I don’t know what to do for him Madison. Every time I look at him he seems so lost…and I mean yeah, it reminds me of how I used to be. But I’m not smart and together like Trace is. I can’t just…be there for him like he was for me.” I shake my head, and run my hand up and down the back of my neck. “I feel like the biggest asshole. I just wish I could have the confidence that I had before…just for like a day, so I could figure this out.”

“Maybe it would be best if Trace didn’t’ attend this part of your tour,” she tells me, the hesitation in her voice more than obvious. “I think he might need some time to think, and adjust himself before you go overseas.”

My eyes widen and I look up at her like she’s gone crazy…just like me. “No way!” I exclaim. “No…no he’s gotta be there,” I demand. “I can’t do this without him there.”

“It was only a suggestion,” she reassures me with a smile. “But, I think it’s one that you should take a little more seriously. I don’t feel that Trace is in a good state of mind right now, and he might need some time. You two should sit down and talk it over.”

I’m really starting to get the feeling that Trace told her something that I don’t know about. A…secret? He’s keeping a secret from me, but he can go and tell Madison about it? I feel stupid, shunned…under appreciated. I’m his best friend, not Madison. He’s supposed to tell me all his personal shit before he goes and tells it to her. “What did he tell you?” I mutter, angrily. “I’m in the dark here, Madison. And hell, so is Kerri. He’s our friend you know, not yours. We have a right to know what’ s going on.”

Madison sighs, and purses her lips together. She seems to plunge deep into thought, leaving me more confused.

“Madison,” I persist. “I’m worried about him.”

“So am I,” she finally decides to respond. “But that’s all the more reason why it’s not my place to tell you what’s wrong with him. This is something very sensitive, Justin. Something that he has to tell you himself.”

My heartbeat becomes more rapid, as a million horrific thoughts fill my mind. What is it? What the hell is it? Is he sick? Is he hurting himself? Does he have an addiction of some kind hat he’s been battling? God, I don’t have a clue. I want to scream at her, grab her by the shoulders and shake her…force the truth out of her. But of course I wont. Jerry will put me in the rubber room. So instead, I just sigh heavily. “Well what am I supposed to do? Like, you’re my fuckin’ shrink Madison. Don’t you think that this is going to make me worse?”

“I hope not,” she nods. “He’s asked me to keep this private, and I wont betray that trust, Justin. Just like I wont betray your trust when it comes to the rape, and your mother.”

She has a point there, but it doesn’t give me anymore reassurance about the situation. I can’t believe him. That he would go, and confide in Madison first, instead of confiding in me…or hell, even Kerri. What’s wrong with him? When did I become so damn untrustworthy? What’s so bad that he has to hide from me, like some kind of damn criminal? I know Trace. I know him inside and out. Like a favorite book that you’ve read from cover to cover a million times. And if there’s anybody that can understand what he’s going through, it’s me. I know pain. I know how it can creep up on you at the most random moments and take you over…stab at you over and over until you can’t take it anymore. I realize I have no choice but to confront him.

But confronting him is going to be extremely difficult. Especially with my short temper, and his stubborn attitude.

“I gotta get going,” I tell her bluntly. I’m disappointed in her I guess. I figured she cared about my feelings. I figured she would tell me anything that Trace told her, because I needed to know. But I’m quickly starting to realize that she’s not getting paid to kiss my ass like the rest of the people that work for me. She’s getting paid to sit here and help me sort out my head…but that’s all. And if somebody else, like Trace, wants to pay her to do the same thing to him…she’s not going to turn him down. And she’s certainly not going to break her doctor/client privileges to suit my needs. Hell, up until now I didn’t even realize that Trace talked to Madison as much as he does. I guess he feels he can trust her…I guess he feels that way because of how much she’s changed and impacted my life.

“Don’t leave here angry,” she warns me. “Getting into a nasty confrontation with your best friend isn’t going to resolve the issue. If anything Justin, talk things out with him and come back here with him if you have to. I’ll council the both of you, okay? Promise me you’ll do that.”

I simply nod. I can’t give her a straight answer, because hell, I don’t even know what’s going on with Trace. That’s the first step. I gotta talk to him again. I have to tell him that Madison told me something is going on. Right. Then he can’t just walk away from me or hide. He’ll have to tell me the truth. And then I’ll be able to help him by myself. Or maybe…Kerri can help me too. We don’t need to come back here though, that’s for sure. “I promise,” I force out.

“And I want you to call me once a week,” she says.

I realize that, oh yeah…this is going to be our last session for some time. Maybe even…ever. The tour is going to be long, and grueling. I know that, and I know I’m going to be too busy and too caught up with Kerri, and Trace and business and shit to really keep in touch with Madison like I should. I take a minute to reflect. To remember the person I was when I was first brought to her doorstep. Silent and afraid of the world…it had taken her two session to even get me to talk about being…handcuffed, taped…put on a bed…

I have no words to describe how grateful I am to her. Without her, without that help and this new confidence she’s given me, I know I’d be dead right now. Cut to pieces with a damn razor blade. “I’ll call you,” I whisper, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Or at least I’ll try.”

She smiles, just slightly. “I know.” She gets up and walks around her desk so she can stand before me. Then we hug. We hug for a long time. It’s a safe embrace…a comforting one.

“You’ll be fine,” she whispers in my ear before pulling back from me.

I can see the tears forming in her eyes, and hell, she’s going to make me start to cry too. But I don’t want to. I want to show her how strong I can be. How far I’ve come since the first time I had to leave her. “I know I will,” I smile a little. “I can’t even tell you…I don’t even know how to thank you.”

“Oh heck,” she waves her hand. “Just send me a copy of your show so I can show my niece, deal?”

I laugh heartily. “Come on Mad. You know it’s really for you and the girls.”

Her face turns pink. “Well…I guess you do know me too well, Mr. Timberlake.”

I do know her too well, and I smile; realizing I still have that charm I’ve always had. That magic that’s filled people’s heart and made them dance and sing right along with me. I realize I can do this. I can go out into the world and be that entertainer again, with all the confidence in the world behind me. All it is, is acting after all. A fake smile, forced enthusiasm for my supporters. And they’ll eat it up, and I’ll be right on top in no time. “Bye, Mad.” I shake her hand one last time, before walking to the door.

“Justin.”

I open the door, and spot Tiny sitting there, waiting for me, before turning back to face her. “Yeah.”

“I…” she begins, but then stops herself. Instead, she just smiles. “Good luck.”

And I know she’s not just talking about the tour.

****************

“Lord. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” Lynn smiles, and embraces me tightly, before we sit down at the table.

I try to be calm, and I smile at her before picking up the menu to see what I want to eat. But hell, I’m not even hungry. My stomach is twisting and turning, knotting and unknotting itself over and over again. I’m terrified of being alone with this woman. Terrified of the questions she might ask me, and terrified of slipping up and telling her something she’s not supposed to know. Justin pulled me aside early this morning, and begged me to stray away from the subject of the kidnapping when I went to lunch with his mother. I got a little bit annoyed. Like, he didn’t trust me enough to have a nice, calm lunch with her, without disclosing something dark about our experience. It’s like, I’m not smart enough to think before I open my mouth. I told him that too, and he got upset.

“That’s not it,” he’d whined, and tugged at my hand. “Kerri…she just…you know how she is. She doesn’t understand most of this and hell, I don’t want her to. I don’t want her to know about all that shit. How dark it was and how…,“ he’d paused and sighed. “Just please, talk about the tour or fluffy little animals or whatever the hell you want. Just don’t talk about Shane.”

Lynn doesn’t have any idea that Justin was raped, and in that moment I realized just how important it is to Justin that things stay that way. I understand why of course. He’s afraid of what his mother will think. That she wont have the same kind of respect and love for him that she’s always had. I know that’s not true of course, but I wasn’t going to try and convince Justin of that. He still needs time with that. He has to trust himself…be confident in what happened to him first, before he can admit what he went through to his family. It’s not my place to talk about it. But…deep in my heart I know that Lynn didn’t ask me to lunch to talk about the tour or fluffy animals or whatever else Justin suggested I talk about. I try to hold back my smile. Fluffy animals?

What a retard.

“So, how have you been handling things out here?,” she asks me, a motherly concern apparent in her voice. “I know it was hard for you to just pull out and relocate like you did.”

“Um…” I lower the menu away from my face, and meet her gaze. “Well I mean it’s taken some getting used to.” Some? What am I saying? I changed my whole damn life around. My parents…they hate me. I talked to my father the other day on the phone, because he called me. He wanted to know if my credit card was working. Ha. Bastard. I told him that no it wasn’t, but that it didn’t matter because I didn’t need his money to get by anymore. That I had real friends, who were basically all the family I needed, and that they were taking care of me.

He started yelling, like always, and I basically just sat there on the sofa and took it all in. Trace had been sitting there in the recliner, and I know he could hear my father yelling into the phone. God, anybody could have. But Trace didn’t try to help…he didn’t’ come over and rub my shoulder like he normally does. After a while, he even got up and left. It sort of hurt me, but then…I know what’s going on. He’s not in the mood to comfort me, because hell…I’ve barely been giving him the time of day lately. I’m so…freaked out by what he told me. I feel like I can’t trust him, not even for a second. Because he might do something…go talk to somebody or bring somebody into my life that’s going to hurt me. Jesus, maybe I’ve really gone over the deep end this time. I mean, how can I be thinking this way about my best friend? He’s not a psychic, so how the hell could he have known who Shane was or what he wanted to do? But then…he didn’t do a background check on the son of a bitch either.

And Trace has never been the type to overlook something like that.

I’m not saying that he did it deliberately, because that’s just far fetched and ridiculous. But its just the fact that he let somebody so dangerous walk right into our lives, and get the chance to hurt us like he did…do things to Justin like he did. How can I forgive him for that? For being so irresponsible and stupid?

I can’t.

“I wish I could put into words how grateful I am to you,” Lynn tells me. “I honestly don’t know where Justin would be right now if you hadn’t come out and helped him when he was at the clinic. He really needed you then Kerrigan, and you did the right thing by coming out to help.” She smiles and reaches across the table to give my hand a rub. “I’m so proud of how mature you are…and how you’ve put the past behind you to get through this with him.”

I guess I am pretty mature, even though I’ve told myself time and time again that I’m crazy and stupid and selfish. “I wanted to help,” I tell her with a forced smile. “And I guess he’s helped me too in a lot of ways. I think I really just wanted my friend back,” I bullshit. “Three years was a long time.”

“Too long,” she sighs and shakes her head. “I just hope that you kids don’t decide to rush into things again,” she chuckles. “I’d hate to see everything you’ve gotten back just…die again.”

Well Lynn, I think to myself. You’re a little late on the rushing into things part. But you certainly don’t have to worry about your son sleeping with me anytime soon. And it’s only now that I realize how truly in the dark the woman is. She has no idea how scary the concept of having sex is to her son. She doesn’t’ know that he feels that he’s gay, or how uncomfortable he feels about being touched. Sure, she knows that some sicko in the clinic tried to touch him…but that’s the extent of it. To her, it was just one of those horrible things that happens in a place like that. She doesn’t know the whole of it. That Justin was…beaten, tied down, and raped by Shane. Part of me wishes she did, just so she’ll be prepared if something happens on the tour and he gets all freaked out. But again, it’s not my place to say anything to her about it. Justin would kill me, he’d be mortified. And I don’t even want to picture the look on Lynn’s face.

Of course she’d still love him, despite what Justin probably thinks. He’s her son, and she loves him very much. I guess it was hard enough on him, having to tell Trace, then Madison, and then having me find out too though. I guess three people is enough for now. But maybe, maybe I’ll talk to him about it. Try to convince him that he has to start coming out about all of this to his family. They can help too, and I know they want to. He shouldn’t’ have to live with that fear inside of him anymore…that they’ll disown him or something. Because I know they would never do that.

The waiter comes and takes our lunch orders. Lynn and I order the same thing, Chicken Caesar salad, and laugh as we do. Sometimes it’s funny, we have so much in common that we could pass for mother and daughter. When I used to tour with Justin in the summers, I would get mistaken for her daughter a lot of times by people who didn’t know any better. It made me feel good…wanted, loved; because Lynn went right along with it. I guess she liked having me around, because Justin is her only son…and while she loves him, I think she would have really liked to have a daughter too. I melted into that I guess. I couldn’t really rely on my own mother to comfort me and love me like that…but Lynn seemed more than willing to. So I went with it…I loved her so much. And I think its one of the biggest things I missed when I stopped speaking to Justin.

“How about a toast,” Lynn smiles. “What do you drink?”

You shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t. Oh god. She has no idea. Drinking isn’t a good idea, not at all. Because if I have one, I’ll want another…and another. And when I get home, then…I’ll want another. Shit. I promised myself I was going to be better. I was going to stop, focus, concentrate on Justin. But Lynn doesn’t know I have a drinking problem, and she can’t know. Because if she finds out, I seriously doubt she’s going to want me having anything to do with Justin and this tour. So, I smile at her. “Long Island Iced Tea,” I decide, my mouth watering at the very sound of the words.

“Make it two,” Lynn smiles.

She starts to ramble on about different things. Paul…things back home. I think she might have mentioned my parents and Mary once or twice. But I can’t even focus. All I can think about is that drink. About how good its’ going to feel going down, and how after I finish it…I’m going to have another. Then it finally comes, and I have to literally sit on my hands to stop myself from grabbing it and slurping it down like a dog.

“A toast,” Lynn raises her drink in the air and smiles. “To new endeavors.”

I release my hands from under my thighs. Picking up the glass, I smile and clink it against hers. “Cheers,” I say quickly, immediately bringing the glass to my lips. I take the first sip. It’s small…and god, god it feels like a million years have gone by since I’ve felt this good. It’s soothing, wonderful. The pain from Trace, and daddy and everything else immediately begins to melt away at the taste. I want another. I want ten more…

But wait.

I can’t get plastered at lunch with Justin’s mother.

“Kerri.” She takes a sip of her drink and dabs her mouth with her napkin, before placing it on her lap. “I really…I hate to sound desperate.” She leans in closer to me, and sighs. “But I thought that maybe, you and I could talk about…things today.”

Oh no. Think Kerri. Animals…talk about fluffy animals? Oh great Justin. You’re a lifesaver. I clear my throat a little. “Uh.” I look down at my half empty liquor glass and frown . Yeah, I definitely need more of that. “Lynn I, I don’t know if I’m the best person to talk to about it.”

“I’m sorry,” she laughs sadly and shakes her head. “Lord, where is my mind right now? You’re absolutely right. I have no business trying to get you to talk to me about this. It’s only that, Justin hardly talks to me about any of it at all. And Trace well, you know how those boys are…secrets to the grave. I just thought that maybe, you could give me a little insight.”

Lynn is desperate for answers, and I can’t blame her. She’s worried about her son, her child. Like my parents should be worried about me, instead of simply their own well beings. I wish like hell that Lynn was my mother. Well…okay, maybe I don’t. Because that would make Justin my brother. And God, that’s disgusting. But I just…I want to be worried about that way too. I want my parents to sit up at night and wonder what I went through…wonder what they can do to make my life a little brighter. I feel myself grow jealous. Justin has this wonderful caring mother, who only wants to do right by him and make him all better…and he won’t even talk to her. Damn. Talk about taking things for granted. “Well I mean,” I begin, hesitating a little. That little voice is there, telling me to shut the hell up. But I wont listen to it. “What do you want to know?”

She seems relieved. “Is he going to be okay? I mean, I have no idea what yall even went through in that place. All I know is that one minute…he was fine, with his girlfriend, and they went to Hawaii. And the next thing I knew, I was sitting with him at dinner and he tells me that he’s cutting himself,” she hisses. “I…I don’t have any idea why he would have done something like that.” Her voice cracks a little, and she clears her throat a little before continuing. “I always thought I’d done everything in my power to make his pain go away when he came home to me.” She rubs her temples with her index fingers, as if all of this has been plaguing her mind for weeks. “But I guess I was wrong.”

“Justin is…” I try to begin, but I have to stop and think before I’ll allow myself to give anything away. I know I have to give her some kind of reassurance here. Because if I don’t, I don’t know who will. “He’s not struggling as much as he was.” At least that’s not a lie. I find the strength to sit up a little straighter, and I take her hand in mine. “Lynn,” I say confidently. “He’s going to be fine. He’s just resolving his issues the best way he knows how. You know he’s always been like that…to himself.”

She nods, and then smiles at me, as if I’ve just proven something amazing to her. “I know,” she says, laughing lightly. “I guess I just feel that, I’m his mother and I’m supposed to be the one taking care of everything.”

I shake my head, and really, I have no idea how I’m managing to be so confident and positive for her right now. I can still taste the liquor in my mouth. It tastes amazing, something I’ve missed. And I realize that I never intended on abandoning my habit. I love it. It’s something I need. Something I need to make me feel whole, and that’s a terrible thing.

“You can only do so much, Lynn,” I smile. “I’m sure when the time is right, and Justin is more relaxed, he’ll sit down with you and talk to you about everything. Right now…it’s just hard. It’s hard for me too.” I sit back in my chair, content that I’ve calmed Lynn down enough where she’ll stop asking me all these questions. Good. Now maybe I can get that second drink…

“You would tell me…if something happened to him,” Lynn speaks up suddenly. “Wouldn’t you?”

My breath catches in my throat, and I stare at her. I know I have to lie, and say yes. But I feel horrible about that. This woman…she’s done so much for me in my lifetime, and she shouldn’t have to be lied to. Especially by me. But I guess, I’m too loyal to Justin to tell her the truth. Too thankful to have his love and confidence in me to give it up for Lynn’s well being. It’s really selfish, and it makes me feel like even more of a horrible person; but I don’t feel I have a choice. “I would,” I nod. “I…I doubt I could hold anything too deep inside of me for long,” I lie.

And she buys it. Well, at least she seems too. “I guess it’s just going to take some time then,” she sighs, and takes a long swallow of her Long Island. “I know my son,” she reassures me. “And I know he’ll talk to me about all of this one day.”

I open my mouth to say something else reassuring, so she’ll stop feeling like an outcast for the moment. But I become distracted easily, when the waiter approaches again and offers us refills on our drinks. I happily oblige, maybe a little too eagerly. I look at Lynn quickly, thinking she might suspect something; that I have a problem. But she doesn’t seem to mind that I’ve ordered another drink. Really, she’s too busy gazing off into space. Hell, I could have ordered ten more drinks and she probably would have been oblivious. Her mind is in other places, thinking about much more important things than me and my problems.

But I’m used to that sort of thing by now.

We finish our lunch on a light note, talking about the upcoming tour and such. Then she drives me back to the house, and I ask her if she‘s coming in, but she says no…that she‘ll be back later. She tells me she wants to go shopping…she wants a new outfit for New York City. But really…I know she just wants to be alone so she can think about everything.

We say our goodbyes, and it’s three thirty by the time I walk in the house. I expect Justin to literally attack me with a thousand questions about my lunch adventure. But the only person I find, is Trace. He’s sprawled out across the sectional leather sofa, a bottle of some sort of alcohol in his right hand, remote control in the other. He barely glances at me as I walk past him, in search of Justin. But I’m not surprised. He rarely ever notices me any more, and if he does, he only grunts at me and nothing more. I’m not in the mood for his attitude at the moment though. I have no time for it. I need to find Justin, talk to him. He needs to know that his mother is suffering right along with the rest of us, and that she certainly doesn’t deserve to.

I wander into the kitchen, down hallways, into the office, and upstairs, before I finally end up in the living room again. Justin is nowhere to be found, and I look over at Trace, wondering if he even knows that or if he even cares.

“He’s not here.” Trace raises the bottle to his lips and takes a long guzzle of his drink.

Thank you Captain Obvious. “So where is he?” I mutter. I walk across the room and flop down onto the comfortable leather recliner, kicking one of my feet off the ground so I can be rocked a little bit.

He doesn’t look at me, only at the television. There is a game on, so I’m not surprised. But I know he’s trying to avoid me as well. “Marty took him to the gym after he got back from Madison‘s,” he finally says. “They’ll be back probably before six.”

It makes me feel good to know that Justin is out in the world right now, with a friend that he hasn’t seen in awhile. It means he starting to get there. He’s starting to get back to his life, and the real world. I should be happier, a lot happier. But I’m not. If Justin is gone that means Trace and I are alone. And we haven’t been alone since he broke down and told me about Shane. I feel my nerves start to take over immediately, and I wrap my arms around myself, taking a deep breath as I do so. I need to calm down because hell, he wont try to comfort me if I start to lose it.

“What’s the matter with you?” he asks me. He gives me a disgusted look as he places his bottle on the table in front of the sofa. “Justin’s the only one you can talk to now, Kerri?”

He really needs somebody to be on his side right now, and I guess I should know that better than anybody. But I’m too overwhelmed by everything to console him. I can’t just…tell him that he’s shouldn’t be scared or nervous about the secret, because he has every reason to be. It makes me feel like shit, because I know he’s been there for me in the past. In the past when I was impossible and didn’t want help…he stuck around because he cared. And now, I’m supposed to still care about him too. And, I do care. I just…I can’t accept what he’s done as a simple mistake.

He could have prevented it.

“Look,” I finally say, managing to look him in the eyes. “You know what’s going on. I can’t talk to you because you’re off in your own world. I mean, I don’t blame you Trace…but you’re not going to get anywhere if you keep holding it all inside of you. And, it’s a really bad thing that you’re keeping it from Justin too. He needs to know. I mean, what’s going to happen if you wait til the tour? You think he‘s going to be able to deal with that right in the middle of all that chaos? God, Trace. I mean, I don’t want to have to put it like this…but, if you don’t tell him, I‘m going to.”

He sits up straight, and glares at me. “You think I haven’t been trying?” he snaps. “Fuck Kerri, I try every damn day! And every day…I wimp out. Christ, do you even know…” He lets out a disgruntled sigh, and rubs his face with his hands. “He’ll never speak to me again. And after losing my girlfriend, and--everything; I, I just can‘t go through that.” He sucks in his bottom lip and a slight sob escapes him. “I won’t make it.”

Deep inside I know he’s right about that, but I don’t want to believe it. I want to believe that, Trace will confess what happened to Justin. That they’ll simply talk it over and somehow come to an understanding. I mean, they’ve been friends this long. Trace is practically a brother to Justin, and I can’t just see Justin totally disowning him like that…

But then again, Justin and I stopped speaking for all that time. So maybe anything is possible.

“You know what it’s like to live this way?,” he whispers. “Like you just want to crawl inside yourself and disappear twenty four hours a day? I mean, my God…I did what I did and I can’t go back and change it. I can’t help that Shane was a sick bastard, and I cant’ help that he…he did that to Justin. You don’t even know…,” he pauses and shakes his head. “I would give anything to switch places with Justin…so it could have happened to me. At least I would have deserved it.” He crosses his tattooed arms protectively across his chest, his face starts to turn red…he’s about to break.

I don’t know what to say. Switch places with Justin?…God, no. That’s horrible. I would never wish that kind of terror on anybody. It’s just, too gruesome to even imagine. “Don’t talk like that,” I mutter. “Do you even know what you’re saying? Like… you would have wanted to be raped like that?”

“I’d do it for him,” he whispers. “I would, Ker.”

My mouth hangs open slightly, and I realize Trace’s feelings run much deeper about this whole thing than any of us have realized. It takes a lot to admit what he just did. That he would have endured that horrible torture for Justin, to make up for his mistake. It’s nasty, horrible…but I know he’s not exaggerating. It’s the truth…

And I feel sick to my stomach.

“I’m going to tell him,” he suddenly informs me. His expression is sad, lost…full of pain. “I just have to find the right time and place,” he nods. “But…it’s going to be soon. I promise that it’s going to be soon okay? Please…,” he whimpers. “Please don’t hate me Kerri.”

I feel it, that dull ache, and this time I don’t think it’s’ from the alcohol. I can’t bare to see him in so much pain right now, and the part of me that has always been his friend suddenly starts to spring back to life. I want to go over there and comfort him, and I almost make myself do it. “Trace.” The cautious part of me tries to hold me back, but I fight it. I force myself to get out of the chair, and I go sit beside him. It takes him a minute, but he finally gives in to his emotions. First comes a small whimper, then a sob, and then he’s leaning into me…crying like a baby.

“Shh.” I raise a shaky hand to his upper arm and rub it a little. “You’re going to get through this,” I reassure him.

“Please don’t hate me.”

I think it’s the only phrase that he knows right now, and I’m not going to complain. He’s a mess. Maybe an even bigger mess than I am. I realize all he needs to be doing is crying, getting out his aggressions now, so he’ll be able to keep a straight face for Justin later. And I guess it’s safer for him to be crying with me here, instead of off somewhere alone…where he can do a lot of damage to himself or somebody else. But despite this…despite the fact that I’m trying to comfort him right now, I still can’t deny the horrible truth. It’s just like he’s told me…

I’ll never really be able to forgive him for what he did.