I don’t feel special. In fact, most of the time I feel inferior to the rest of the world. Like a failure, or a monster…even a killer. Nobody knows what it feels like to take a life unless they’ve actually done it. And while I know that I had to do it…I had to kill them in order for us to survive, a part of me still feels ashamed that I did it. That guy Nathan…he was just a kid. Probably younger than me. I mean, he could have gotten himself straightened out. He wasn’t’ as crazy as Shane was, and with the right help…he would have done his time and came out of jail a little wiser. But I never gave him that chance. And he even…he begged me to spare his life.

But I shot him anyway.

The guilt plagues me…late at night when Kerri isn’t around to comfort me. It snatches me up, terrifies me, and tells me that I’m horrible for what I did. Sometimes Shane is there…and he’s the one saying these things to me. He hates me because I took his brothers life. But I didn’t’ know what else to do…and he knows what Nate did so he should understand…but he never understands, despite everything I try to tell him. Hell, I’ve even gone as far to apologize to him…and, ask for his fucking forgiveness. How crazy is that? I want to be forgiven for something I had no control over. I mean, I’m sure we’d both be dead if I didn’t kill the both of them. It would have been Kerri first and…I don’t’ even want to think about what would have happened to me…

Kerri's lips were as soft and smooth as I remembered them. Kissing her felt like a letting out a breath that I'd been holding in for three years. It sent me back in time, reminded me of the person I used to be, and proved to me that my feelings for Kerri had never really gone away. Of course the whole thing confused me too, but why wouldn't it have? Cam was the last woman I was intimate with before Kerri came back into the picture, and even then...I was too ashamed of myself to do anything with her. Not that I’ve gotten over my whole gay phase. I’m still confused and terrified of myself, and what this could all do to Kerri if I find out that I really am gay. I mean, what if the kiss was just a cover up of my true feelings? Like, I want to be straight so bad that I forced myself to kiss her back that night…

Just like Shane forced me to kiss him, and made me believe that I’m gay.

It’s not fair. I have to figure this out…I have to know the truth. But how can I figure it out? Do I go and hire a male escort and give him head? God…I want to puke just thinking about it…

“What’s the crazy doctor making you write in there?” Tiny laughs. “You bringin’ out your inner child J?”

I glance up from the page, and shoot him a sarcastic smile. I know he means well…joking around with me. If it were anybody else I’d probably get really pissed off. But I can’t get mad at Tiny. He’s worked with me for years…and watched over me like a father would watch over his son, and no matter what I do to repay him, in my heart I don’t feel it will ever be enough. He’s trying to brighten my mood, so I won’t drown myself in my problems. But what he doesn’t understand is, my journal is my way out. I can write whatever I want in it, without the fear of somebody getting mad or uncomfortable. Not even Trace knows about some of things I’ve written in this book, and he never will. A lot of it’s too deep and gross to talk about…but maybe that’s a good thing. It’s good to have something that’s mine and only mine. At least, that’s what Madison has told me. “It’s just part of the therapy.” I manage to smile. I quickly close my journal, and tuck it underneath my arm…hoping he’ll forget about the subject all together.

“How’s that going?,” he continues.

I swallow hard. “It’s going,” I say. Naturally, Tiny is curious about my rehabilitation, because I haven’t really clued him into it. And my mother knows so little about it, that whatever she’s been telling him has been based on what Trace has told her. And Trace, god…he’s only been telling her the bare minimum as it is. But that’s the way I want it. I don’t want her knowing too much about Madison, or what I talk about with her…because I’d die if she found out about the Butt Sex. After all this time, I still don’t feel that she could understand or accept what happened to me. I’m her only child, and…for her to know that I let something like that happen to me would break her. I just know it would.

My mom not knowing…its probably one of the only things that Madison is still trying to get me to do something about. She tells me that I need to talk to her about this, before she finds out from somebody else. But really, I don’t know who would tell her. Trace would probably die before he would betray me that way. That only leaves Kerri, and I know that she wouldn’t do that to me. We’re close again, and she knows how hard this thing with Shane has been on me…I trust her. I have to trust her.

“This doctor of yours…she coming out on tour?,” Tiny continues.

I know for a fact that my mom and Johnny feel I should have a shrink out on the road with me. But I really don’t want one. Like, I think it would make everything more complicated. The tour…having people asking me who she is. I would be embarrassed I guess…having to tell people that I need a psychiatrist on the road with me. Of course I could lie. But that’s never really been my thing. It’s hard for me to lie to people. I guess because before all this happened, I never had to lie to people before…and I wasn’t raised that way either. I suck in a breath. “We’re deciding that next week.”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Tiny says.

I cross my arms, and sigh a little. “I don’t know. I think I’m better off just going out on my own, you know? Kerri and Trace are gonna be there, and they both understand. I can talk to them just like I talk to Madison…so what’s the point of paying her to travel with us?”

Tiny laughs his infamous sarcastic laugh. “Trace and Kerri got PhD’s now?”

I scowl. I hate when he treats me like a kid . I know he doesn’t really know any other way, because he’s known me since I was fifteen…but still, I’m twenty two years old. I’m a man…I guess, and I want to be treated like one. “No.”

“Your shrink is coming,” he practically orders. “You’re gonna need her around with all those crazy people screaming in your face, J.”

“Fine. Then you’re carrying a gun,” I counter. “And so is Eric.”

He shoots me a dark look. “We’ve been through this.”

I brought the idea up a few weeks ago. I’d been on a conference call with Johnny, Rob my road manager, and Tiny. We were discussing different aspects of the tour. Where I’d be performing…how many shows there would be and such. Then the matter of security came up, and I was glad because it was one of the only things about the tour that I’d been worrying about anyway. I’d even made notes about what I wanted…in my journal. I know it’s crazy, but I want my security to carry guns with them. Especially Tiny and Eric because they are the ones who are always with me. I’ll feel more secure that way. Like, if anybody came after me I know a gun would scare them away. Guns are intimidating. They give you power, and when you hold one…everybody does exactly what you want them to do.

When I had one, it was the only time I had some kind of power over Shane.

“And I’m paying your salary,” I snap. “I‘m the only one who‘s supposed to be giving the orders around here.”

“Until you’re better…your momma is handling that kinda stuff,” he reminds me. So if you want, I can get on the phone with her right now and get her opinion on all of this. I’m sure she would love to know that you want an armed force traveling around with you this tour.”

I send him a cold glare. “Don’t treat me like a kid,” I grunt.

“Then stop acting like one.”

I feel the anger flare up inside of me. It’s weird, because I’ve never been mad at Tiny before. But now I am. Now…I want to strangle him, make him sorry for making me feel stupid and inferior. But Tiny is way too big for me to take on, and I know he’ll put me in a chokehold until Kerri and Trace get back if I try anything. “If you won’t do it,” I continue, angrily. “I can find somebody else who will.”

He laughs a little. “You tryin’ to get rid of me, Justin?”

I shrug. I hate that I can’t make him angry. The only thing he seems to be thinking right now, is that I’m being stupid and he has all the authority. “You work for me,” I remind him. “It’s not the other way around. I can fire you if I want to, and I will if you don‘t start respecting me.”

He leans forward, an intimidating look on his face. I swallow hard. I’ve only seen Tiny get really angry a few times…and it’s not pretty. “Boy, don’t you even run your spoiled ass little mouth like that to me. I’ve done so much shit for your ass…too much.” He shakes his head in annoyance. “Who do you think held shit together when that bastard took you?”

I look at him like he’s crazy. “Trace,” I say bluntly.

He laughs. “Right. When he wasn’t too busy freaking out any way.”

“Trace held shit together.” I won’t believe anything else. I just…I guess I have this mental picture of him in my mind, taking phone calls and making negotiations with Shane; because that’s what he does when he’s working with me. He handles my business calls, and makes sure everything runs smoothly. Why would the kidnapping have been different? “You’re not going to make me think differently.”

“I was at the house, Justin,” he grunts. “The kid practically had a nervous breakdown that first night. I don’t mean to talk bad about him, Justin. He’s your boy…and that’s cool. But I’m just stating facts. Your momma, the police, and I were the ones handling how sh'it went down.” He crosses his large arms across his broad chest, and stares at me. “Fuck man…I was there when she gave the money to that son of a bitch.”

I never knew that, but its probably because I’ve never bothered to ask. But of course I’ve never asked. Hell, I don’t want to relive that sh'it. I’m trying to move past it as quickly as I can, and asking questions only leads to being reminded of everything I went through. But still, just to think that Trace sat home and did nothing while…

Wait.

What the hell am I thinking about?

“I’m sorry for being so straight forward,” Tiny speaks up, when I don’t respond. “Man, I just want you to use your head. What the hell will people think if they see you walkin around with armed guards? You know it’s goin’ to lead to stupid ass reporters asking questions you don’t want to answer. I don’t need a gun to protect you J. I’ve been doing this a long time a’ight? So just let me do my job the way I’ve always done it.”

Tiny has more than proved his point to me. Now, instead of feeling angry and childish…I just feel like an asshole. Like, I’ve insulted him or something. I haven’t really given Tiny all the credit he deserves. I mean, I know he did a lot for Kerri and me when we were in that place, and maybe…if he hadn’t done everything in his power to get us back, we might be dead right now. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and shake my head. “I’m such an asshole sometimes.” I put my head in my hands and let out a heavy sigh. “I just…you know, I’m still scared Tiny.”

“It’s fine,” I hear him say, and a moment later I feel his large hand fall onto my shoulder. “Just…don’t worry so much about this kinda stuff. I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you or Kerri or anybody else, and neither is Eric. So just chill man…and enjoy life for once. Lord knows you deserve to.”

I pick my head up to tell him how thankful I am to have him around. But then I hear a key turn in the lock, and the door swings open. I see Kerri and Trace walk into the house and I smile. They’re just what I need right now.

“We’re back,” Kerri huffs and drops the duffle bag she‘s been carrying on the floor. “God, that airport traffic is horrible.” She shoots me a small smile, before walking past us and into the kitchen.

“Well look what the cat dragged in,” Tiny laughs and gets up from the sofa. “Maybe I can go home and get some rest now?”

Trace chuckles slightly. “Yeah Tiny. Thanks for staying.”

“J, I guess tomorrow Johnny wants to have a lunch meeting,” Tiny informs me. “So I’ll come pick you guys up around eleven…that cool?”

I nod. “Yeah.” I shoot him a reassuring smile. “I’ll see you then.”

Tiny leaves, not before shooting off some sarcastic remark to Trace about ‘knocking some more sense into Justin’s ass before tomorrow.’ Once he’s completely gone I stand up, and look at Trace. He’s standing in the doorway….lingering basically, like he doesn’t’ know what to do with himself. He looks bad too…really bad. Weak. Almost sickly, and I can’t remember a time that Trace has looked so bad other than two summers ago when he got that really weird stomach bug. I feel really bad for him. I’m sure his breakup with Elisha was ugly, and he’s probably so damn confused.

But…I think I might be able to help him. I know what it’s like to be lost and confused, and not have any hope for the future. And I know it’s wrong, but in a way I kind of feel good that I’m the stronger person right now. It’s the first time since everything happened that I’ve been able to look Trace in the eye and know that he needs my help instead of it being the other way around. “Hey man,” I whisper and shove my hands in my pockets. “You have a good flight?”

He looks up at me after a moment, and forces a small smile. “It was all right.”

“You wanna maybe, go for a bite or somethin'? Maybe talk a little?”

He shrugs. “Eh, I’m kinda tired from the flight.” He finally sets foot into the house and closes the door behind him. “Maybe we can go to dinner later on though.”

Weird. Trace hasn’t seen me in a week, and normally he would be throwing questions at me left and right. I figured he would want to know about how things went down…how Kerri and I got along, and I really want to tell him. I want him to know that Kerri and I have rekindled our friendship (or whatever it is now), and that I’m really starting to recover from all of this. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have to worry so much anymore…that he needs to call up Elisha and try to work things out. I feel horrible about that. It’s my fault that she left, and I know that she was the love of Trace’s life. Hell, if he won’t try to get back with her, I might have to take it upon myself to go and talk to her. I know they need each other right now. “I’m sorry about Elisha,” I mumble. “I know it’s my fault, Trace.”

He laughs a little. “Elisha? J, you don’t’ need to worry about that okay?” He walks past me, and I follow him into the kitchen. Kerri is sitting at the table, drinking a coke and reading a magazine. She doesn’t look up at us though, and I start to feel uncomfortable.

“We grew apart, people do that sometimes,” he continues. “And, you know…I don’t think I loved her as much as I thought I did. It was one of those phases that I go through. You know,” he winks and opens the fridge. “That family man phase…like you went through with Britney.” He pulls out a bottle of coke, and unscrews the cap.

“You’re full of shit,” I mutter. He’s shutting me out right now, and I hate that. He’s not supposed to, because he’s my best friend, and according to Madison…he's the person I'm supposed to rely on for complete support while I'm dealing with what happened. Our friendship isn’t weak. The only time it was, was when I was cutting and couldn’t bring myself to tell him. But now that’s over and done…we made it through all that bullsh'it; but he still thinks he has to keep things from me so I won’t get hurt. It angers me a lot. I’m not a baby, and I can handle whatever it is that he's keeping from me. “You still love her. I know you do.”

“No,” he snaps. “I don’t. So let’s drop it okay?” He gulps down the rest of his soda and tosses the bottle into the garbage. “Tell me about your week. What happened while I was gone?” He eyes Kerri, and she finally looks up from her reading. “Anything I need to know?”

I glance at Kerri and see the expression on her face grow into a nervous one. I feel the same way inside. What do we do? Do we tell him about all the bad shit that happened…like the wine and the fights and the crying? Or do we lie, stick to the good stuff, and make up some other shit to go along with it? I know its going against The List, keeping things from Trace. But he’s going through something right now, and I figure telling him the truth will only like, give him an ulcer or something. “It was basically just you’re average, boring week at home,” I say, quickly.

Trace crosses his arms across his chest and stares at me. It’s obvious that he thinks I’m full of shit, just like I know he’s full of shit about his breakup. Fuck. I can’t lie for my life.

“There’s something you’re both keeping from me,” he nods, and gives Kerri an annoyed look. “What’s going on?”

Kerri stands up and glares at Trace before I can respond. “We can all keep secrets Trace,” she snaps, and storms out of the kitchen.

“Ker?” I call after her, but she doesn’t respond. I look at Trace again, feeling more confused than I’ve been in awhile. “What was that about?” I ask him. “She okay?”

He chuckles sadly. “Yeah. You know how she can be. All dramatic and shit.”

I‘m confused. “Dramatic and shit?” I cross my arms, and stare at him for a moment. “Did you two have an argument on the way back here?”

He chuckles a little. “No. What makes you think that?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. She was fine this morning…and now she’s all pissed off, so you tell me.”

“Look, I’ve had a hell of a long week and I’m really tired Justin,” he sighs. “If she wants to be all bitchy and shit, it’s not my problem. I don’t have the time or the patience to think about it right now. So why don’t you stop bugging me, and let me go lie down for awhile so I can sort all of this out.”

Who the hell is this guy and what did he do with my best friend? He hasn’t asked me how my appointment with Madison went, or if I’ve been tempted to cut at all without him here. He doesn’t seem to care either way, and while I know I’m supposed to understand that he’s going through something…I just know that Trace isn’t the type to simply focus on himself and forget all about his best friends. Kerri…I know something must have happened between them. But what? Kerri didn’t speak to Trace any more than I did this week, if she did I’m sure she would have told me about it. Especially since the kiss and everything. “I’m sorry,” I barely hear myself say the words to him. Its like a natural reaction to this guilty feeling I have inside of me. And I feel guilty because in my heart, I know I’ve made Trace’s life miserable.

“Damn J…” he sighs and moves closer to me. “Don’t apologize. I’m…I shouldn’t’ be talking to you like this. I don’t know where my head is right now. You understand right?”

I don’t, but I smile a little and say “yeah”, just so he wont have to worry about anything else but himself right now.

He gives me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “We’ll go to dinner later okay? I want to hear about everything you did this week, good or bad.”

“Sure, man.” I force a smile for him. “That’ll be great.”

“Cool.” He smiles at me one last time, before walking out to the back deck and taking a seat in one of the lounge chairs. I know I could follow him, and he wouldn’t really protest. But I know he needs this time to be alone and think right now. He’s gotta think about…Elisha, and whatever is going on with him and Kerri. God, I’m confusing myself. I should go talk to Kerri about this, but I have a feeling that if I do I’m only going to come out of the conversation more hurt and confused that I normally am.

And that won’t be good for anybody involved.