I’ve tried to treat this day as any other. Like, I didn’t just get out of my session with Madison, and that Kerri and I haven’t been having so many problems lately. I try to think back to before, when we were actually friends. How did I act then? How much different was I from the person I am now? Shit, I can’t even remember because it’s been so long, and Shane has clouded my mind so much that I can’t think about much else.. It’s horrible, because if I can’t remember simple things about myself, how am I ever going to be normal again? The answer is I won’t be, no matter how much therapy I go through or how much quality time I spend with the people I love. I’m just...I’m screwed.

We grabbed a quick drive through lunch from McDonalds, and I ate mine while she shoved hers off to the side for ‘later’. I know she’s not going to eat it, but its not like I can blame her. Madison told me she was going to give her a talking to, and after I came out of the office I could tell that Kerri didn’t like what Madison had to say. It really makes me regret that I told Madison about what happened. But it’s not like I had a choice. The woman practically forced my problems out of me, threatening to call Trace and get him to come back home if I didn’t cooperate. I called it blackmail, and then she laughed at me. Yeah, it was a stupid comment, but I really didn’t want to have to tell Madison about Kerri’s drunken antics. I felt bad, like I was betraying what little trust she has for me. Maybe its stupid for me to feel bad, because she was irresponsible, she did get drunk, and I could have hurt myself really bad. If Trace knew the truth, I’m sure he would tell me it’s not my fault...

But I’m sure he would be even angrier at Kerri than I am.

I wasn’t kidding about the wine. It really meant something to Trace. Okay, maybe it’s gay that I know so many intimate details about my best friend’s relationship with his girlfriend but I mean, it can’t really be helped. He tells me everything about himself and his life, just like I tell him everything about me. Right before we pulled out for the Justified tour, Trace and Elisha went to Italy to celebrate their anniversary, and they bought that wine in a vineyard there. I know they were saving it for a special occasion too, and by the looks of it...that special occasion was probably going to be their wedding. Damn, I don’t even know who’s going to be hurt more: Trace or Elisha? Trace will be hurt because he trusted Kerri to be responsible, and I’m sure the last thing on his mind was her going into his room and stealing his shit. And Elisha well...she never liked Kerri to begin with so I’m sure the most she’ll do is yell at her and make her feel like garbage. It almost makes me want to call Trace up myself and warn him ahead of time so it won’t be so bad when he gets back. But I know if I do that, he’ll want to come home right away. I don’t’ want that. I want Kerri to have a chance to get her head together before then. And maybe...maybe I want us to have a second chance at this whole friendship thing too..

I’m not so angry with her anymore. The day it she got drunk and the day after were pretty bad. We hardly spoke, we barely looked each other in the eye. But those days have passed, and now life is moving forward once again. This morning I woke up a little stronger, a little wiser, and a little more carefree. But then I saw Kerri, and for a moment it was like we’d switched places. She looked so tired this morning. So withdrawn and lost, and there I was...refreshed and ready to face another day. Part of me felt guilty, but I guess I deserve to finally have some peace of mind. After everything I’ve been through....the cutting, and the lying to everybody, and the dreams...and the hallucinations; I’m finally almost out of it. I can finally see that light at the end of my long dark tunnel.

And deep down I know that I’m going to make it. I’m going to be okay.

But I realize that as I’m advancing, Kerri is slowly being left behind. I’m really worried about her now, more than I’ve been in a long time. I guess it’s been hard for me to think about her, or anybody else for that matter, because I’ve been so afraid that Shane is going to come back and hurt me again. But his visits have been come very infrequent. Now, he only pops up when I’m most vulnerable...like the other day when Kerri was drunk. Madison has played a big part in that, and these horse pills...despite the fact that I hate taking them, they help a lot too. They make my mind clear, like...I can focus. I can tell when Trace fakes his smiles, and when my mother tries to sound like she’s not worried about me. And I can tell that Kerri is turning down a dark path, and if she is allowed to wander down it far enough nobody will be able to help her.

And I don’t know what to do.

We stop at a red light, and I make myself look over at her. She’s staring straight ahead, her eyes focused intensely on the road ahead. Her hands grip the steering wheel tightly, turning her knuckles a brilliant shade of white. To anybody else, she would look like another girl in a rush to get back home; but I know better. She’s tense and exhausted. She can no longer hide the dark circles under her eyes with makeup, and she can’t hide how much pain she’s in anymore. The truth is blatantly obvious. Kerri isn’t sleeping...not at all, and God knows how the hell she’s managing to drive this car right now. I wonder how she even manages to get through her days without collapsing. And I start to feel selfish.

Compared to her, I’m a pampered little brat. Everybody worries about me, everybody makes sure that I’m well taken care of. But...who worries about Kerri? Who comforts her when she has nightmares? Who’s there for her? I never hear her talk about her parents, or Siobhan. And that can only mean that she misses them too much to bring them up, or they simply haven’t accepted what she’s done with her life by coming to live with me. Trace must know more than me, I’m sure. But he hasn’t told me. Yeah, because I’m the little faggot who’s too overly sensitive, and nobody wants to make him worry about anything else. But why should Kerri’s feelings just get tossed to the side because of that? Surely they realize that she was in the same predicament I was? Or maybe they’re so busy worrying about me, that they tend to forget that fact.

Maybe...maybe I should take this as a sign. Maybe I’m the one, the only one that can really get her to open up again. But I’m scared. Like, I don’t want to go back and remember everything. I’m halfway to moving past it all, especially Shane and the Butt Sex. Talking about everything with her...my feelings and fears, and hearing hers will bring that all back. But it’s not fair to her if I start thinking about myself. She’s dying inside...slowly. And I have to do something.

Kerri has always been notorious for hiding her feelings, and when her parents started to have all those problems, I think she retreated into herself even more. She started to distrust a lot of people, with the exception of Trace and I. For a while, I think I might have been the only person she could truly open up to, and I never took advantage of that. Well, not until that night in my hotel room anyway. She used to tell me a lot of things though. Like how she felt invisible around her parents, and how they hardly spoke to her unless she did something wrong.

I know it was really hard on her for a few years. Her mother was always a little shaky upstairs, but I guess when she had that second miscarriage it hit her hard. She broke down, felt like a failure and all that. It took all of her attention from Kerri, and as for Kerri’s dad well...he had to deal with her mother and didn’t have time to focus on Kerri. It angered me a lot, but it wasn’t like I could do anything about it. Kerri was still in high school, and there was no way her father would have let her drop out and come on the road with me. I blamed myself a lot, for not being able to be there for her like I should have been. And I guess it’s a big part of the reason why she’s so closed off to the rest of the world. Well that…and the fact that our friendship ended so suddenly. With the kidnapping as the icing on the cake, I’m sure she must not trust anybody anymore. She’s alone. And there’s nothing worse than being alone...and afraid.

"Kerri."

She slowly looks over at me, and I really see it this time. The pain is written on her face like a book, bearing all the emotional scars she received from our kidnapping right on down the line. "I think we should talk," I say.

She lets out an annoyed laugh. "Why," she mutters. "Because Madison thinks ‘it’s a good idea’?"

Part of me wants to lash out at her, but then I remember myself and how I was in the very beginning of my ordeal. Trace always wanted to talk, and I never let him in. I was in so much pain, and I was so afraid. I’m sure Kerri is feeling the same way right now. "No," I say softly. "Because I just...I think you need to talk to somebody."

She seems taken back by my response, but she doesn’t say anything to me. She looks back at the road, and starts to chew her lip in frustration. "Don’t tell me I have problems," she grunts. "You’re the one that’s in therapy, Justin."

"I’m in therapy because I admitted I had a problem," I counter. "In all honesty Kerri, we should both be in therapy. I mean, you’re messed up as much as I am, you just don’t want anybody to realize that."

She shakes her head. "No," she says sternly. "I’m fine. I didn’t cut. I didn’t...Shane didn’t rape me. Yeah, I was in there with you...but I was barely hurt at all. I’m getting on just fine without going to some stupid doctor."

Instead of letting the mention of Butt Sex make me angry, I think of a way to use it in a positive sense. Madison has instructed me to do that, whenever Shane comes around and tries to turn me against myself again. I guess it could work this way too, and if I do it right it might even benefit Kerri. "If I...if Shane didn’t have sex with me," I manage. "I would still have gone to see somebody. Actually, I probably would have been more willing to do it. You know like, I wouldn’t have been so ashamed to go talk to somebody."

She veers the car off to the side of the road angrily, and I hold my breath. I don’t think she’s in a great state of mind right now, and it would probably be safer if I drove the damn car, even though I’m not supposed to while I’m on this medication. "Slow down!" I exclaim. "Kerri..."

"Just relax. I know what I’m doing," she mutters.

After a moment, she slows to a stop in the emergency lane and I’ve never been more thankful. She turns off the car, and we sit in silence for what seems like years. She doesn’t look at me, and I try not to look at her but its hard. I want to know what she’s thinking...if anything I’ve just said has impacted her. "I hate it when...when you say things like that," she finally says, but she won’t look at me, only down at the dashboard. "Like it’s your fault or something."

She’s trying to turn this conversation into one about me and my problems. I almost smile, because she’s so much smarter than people take her for. Sure, she cares about me and she doesn’t’ want me to feel bad...but she also doesn’t want to go into what she’s going through right now. Before, I might have been tempted to defend myself and talk about Shane but not right now. I’m here, she’s here, and we’re alone. And damn it, I’m gonna get her to talk if it kills me. "Don’t make this about me," I tell her. "Kerri...look, I know that you’re not okay..."

"You don’t know anything about me," she replies quickly. "You’re too caught up in your own problems. So is Trace."

It’s not much, but it’s something. She feels alone, just like I thought she did. "So why don’t you say something? Why couldn’t you have said something the other day...instead of drinking that wine?"

"Because you were out of your mind!" she whines. "You freaked out because I touched you, and then...then you wouldn’t talk to me." She grabs the top of the steering wheel with both of her hands and leans her head against them. "I just... what was I supposed to do you know? I needed it...I just...god, just never mind."

"Kerri..." I put my hand on her shoulder, and try to think of something to say but then she starts to sob, and she won’t stop. It’s coming out now, but I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. "I didn’t mean to lose it that day," I say softly in her ear. "It was just weird having you that close to me."

She sniffles loudly, and after a moment, she picks her head up. "God, what am I doing?" she whispers. "I can’t cry in front of you like this." She shakes her head a little, and turns the key in the ignition. "Sorry...I’m sorry Justin."

I grab one of her hands before she can pull us back onto the road. "Look at me," I say sternly. "Don’t just run away."

She listens to me, but it seems to pain her to look at me. There is a guilty look in her eyes. Like she’s done something so wrong...so unforgivable, and I don’t want her to feel that way. I mean, yeah, the wine was special but it’s not the end of the world. And the other day I made her feel like it was.

"What do you want me to do?" she asks. "Tell you what’s happening to me?"

I nod slowly. "If it will help you."

"It’s just going to make things worse for you if I do, Justin. You have to understand that. I’m working through my problems on my own okay? And I have Trace to help me too..." her voice trails off as if she’s just remember something serious, and I’ve even more confused. "Just...don’t worry about it," she continues. "I’m not going to jump off a roof or anything."

I suck in a breath. "Unless you’re drunk." That might have been too bold, but I don’t really care right now. She’s got me worried sick, and if this is what it takes to get her to talk then so be it.

She rolls her eyes. "Just drop it." She yanks her hand away from me. "It’s not your problem."

"Yes it is," I snap. "It’s like you’ve said in the past...you were there too, and...you’re hurting too. I was just too fucked up before to realize it, Kerri."

"Too fucked up before?," she scoffs. "Justin it was only two days ago that you were freaking out. You couldn’t have changed that quickly."

“I’m trying,” I defend. “I want things to get better for us. I mean, don’t you?”

"Of course I do. But things can’t just change overnight like you want them too. We both have to sort out our own problems before we can worry about straightening our friendship out."

"The longer we wait, the more distant we’re going to become,” I point out. “We’re both here now, so I think we should start talking about how we feel about what happened."

She lets out a frustrated sigh. "We’ve done that with Trace."

I roll my eyes. "Oh please. That’s not the same and you know it. You’re so fake around him."

She glares at me angrily. "Excuse me?”

"Well you are. It’s like, you sit there when we’re doing our little group thing and you act like you’re so spiritual and that you’re perfectly fine. It’s a bunch of shit, and don’t think that he doesn’t see right through it either because he does. We both do."

She throws her hands up in frustration. "Well if I’m such a fake fucking bullshit artist, I’ll just go back to New York."

I‘m silent for a moment, and I look down at my lap. This isn‘t going like I want it to go. She‘s not cooperating, she‘s not talking to me. She‘s just getting more and more pissed off while I try to pry information out of her. "I didn’t say that," I finally say. I look up again, and meet her gaze. “You’re needed here. You know that.”

She crosses her arms and gives me a stubborn look. "You wouldn’t’ care if I did or didn’t,” she spits out. You’d just forget about me like you did three years ago."

I can’t tell her that I wasn’t wrong when I did what I did to her back then. But I’m not really thrilled that she’s throwing all of that in my face to prove her point right now. The issues she’s dealing with right now, and our issues from the past are two totally separate things. Once again, she’s trying to change the subject. "We’re not talking about when we had...sex," I say, painstakingly. "We’re talking about the kidnapping."

"Yeah. And I don’t feel like talking about it," she grunts. "I feel like going back to your house and falling asleep."

"But you wont fall asleep."

Her eyes widen. "Of course I will."

"Come on." I shoot her a sarcastic smirk. "Who are you kidding Kerri? I can see it on your face. I see the bags under your eyes and the dark circles there too. You don’t sleep, and you know I understand because I used to be the same way."

"No you weren’t!" she yells, and bangs her hand on the steering wheel. "You...you have no idea what it’s like for me! None! If I sleep...if I sleep they come and hurt me, Justin...every single time! It’s gotten so bad that I ...I just...oh god..."

Then she loses it. Completely and totally. She leans into her door, and covers her face with her hands, and just cries and cries, like everything that she’s been keeping locked inside of her is suddenly being allowed to be unleashed. And for once, I know what she needs. I reach out for her, and I pull her to me. She doesn’t push me away though. She wraps her arms around me and cries into my chest, mumbling a bunch of incomprehensible things that I’ll never begin to understand. But it doesn’t matter. This is a big step for her...for the both of us. "You’re gonna be okay," I say softly.

"Can’t cry," she manages to say clearly. But she can’t stop herself. "Fuck..."

"Just…” I pause for a moment, so I can maintain my composure. “Shhh.” I rub my hand up and down her back, and let her lean into me. “You’re allowed to do this Ker. You‘re allowed to be in pain too."

She lets herself cry on me for a good half hour, before she finally looks up at me again. She looks horrible. Snot runs out of her nostrils, and her face is red and tear stained. I reach into my glove box and hand her a napkin, which she accepts gratefully. She blows her nose a few times, and then she finally manages to say something. "I’m so stupid." Her voice is weak, and it cracks with each word. "Some supporter I am, huh? They should probably just toss me into the nut house."

I sigh. "Ker...believe me, you don’t wanna go in there."

She leans into me again. "You make me feel safe," she whispers. "And I know that’s probably too forward, but I don’t even know where my mind is right now. I just…don’t make me let go of you okay? It’s keeping me from jumping out into the middle of the road."

I manage a small laugh. I can’t deny that her touching me like this is making me uncomfortable because it really is. But I’m going to tough it out for her. Really, she has nobody else that can even begin to understand her problems. And after everything else, I think I owe it to her to do this for her. So I do. We sit in silence, and sometimes she sobs, and I tell her she’s okay, but that’s the extent of any conversation. It goes on for more than an hour, before we both decide that it’s time for us to get going. I offer to drive, even though Trace, my mom, and Madison would all kill me if they knew...but I know Kerri is in no condition to do it. It’s time for me to be the man. Right.

We switch places, and it feels good to be sitting behind the wheel of my car again. I feel powerful, like I’m somebody again. I smile, and look over at Kerri...hoping she’ll be able to share my joy. But...but she can’t.

She can’t because she’s fallen asleep.

************

I had peanut butter and jelly for dinner. Normally, I can’t stand the stuff and actually,the only reason I have it in the house is because Trace eats it like it’s going out of style. Freakin weirdo. I guess it wouldn’t’ have been that bad, but the plastic knife I’m forced to use doesn’t spread evenly for shit and it took me like tweny minutes to make two freakin sandwiches for myself. I know I could have woken Kerri up and had her help me out, but I felt bad. After we got home, it took me a good ten mintues to get Kerri to wake up, and another twenty to get her to get out of my car and into the house. She didn’t’ even go upstairs either. She just flopped down on my sofa, and passed right out. I guess I was happy that she was going to sleep so willingly, but it scared me too. I’d never seen her so tired or so out of energy before. I’m not in denial anymore now…

Kerri has big problems.

It’s late now, well past midnight. I took my pill a little over an hour ago even though I’m really supposed to take it at nine o’clock. Kerri is supposed to make sure of that. She’s also not supposed to let me get the pills myself either. But everything else about the The List is fucked anyway, so why not this too? I mean, I don’t want her to have to wake up now. She’s been asleep this long, so I say…let her sleep until she can’t sleep anymore. Hell, it’s not like anybody is gonna find out.

Kerri moans a little, and shifts in her position on the sofa. My eyes widen, and I get up from the chair quickly, thinking she’s having a bad dream. “Kerri.” I whisper.. But she doesn’t make anymore noise. She’s still, the only noise coming out of her is the occasional snore…and I relax again. I yawn, my medicine is really beginning to work now…but I don’t want to fall asleep. I want to be here for her if she wakes up, but I know how this stupid pill works…and I know its not going to be long before I’m out as cold as Kerri is. But I try my best to stay awake. I pace the room, I watch the tv, I even try to write in my journal a little, but I can’t focus on anything. I find that every time I settle in, my eyes start to droop and I nearly doze off. Damn it, I hate this. I hate being controlled. I wish for something…anything to happen. I’m tempted to call Trace, but I know all that will lead to is him asking me a million questions that I don’t’ want to answer. Then I’ll want to sleep.

I make my way over to where Kerri is sleeping, and move her legs a little so I can sit beside her. “Kerri,” I whisper, hoping she’ll finally wake up and start to entertain me. But she still doesn’t answer me. Sighing, I nearly give in and fall asleep. But then I hear the roar of a car engine outside, and my eyes widen. Nobody is supposed to be here. I tremble. I’m scared…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if it’s somebody that wants to hurt me. “Kerri.” I say, panicked. I shake her roughly, and after a couple of moments she groans, and turns over.

“Justin?” she grumbles, half asleep. “What are you doing?”

“Wake up,” I whine. “There’s somebody outside.”

She slowly sits up, and lets out a tired sigh. “There’s nobody outside,” she grumbles. “Just let me sleep.” She leans back into the couch cushion, and closes her eyes again.

And then the doorbell rings.

“Jesus.” I get up and race to the kitchen to geta frying pan. “Kerri…go hide someplace.”

“God, you are freaking ridiculous,” she groans, and gets up. “Put the frying pan down Justin.”

But I only clutch it tighter. I’m not stupid. I know what can happen if I’m not careful and let my guard down. “No,” I grunt.

The doorbell rings again, and Kerri staggers tiredly over to the door. “I’m sure it’s nobody dangerous,” she reassures me.

“Kerri no! Don’t open the door!”

But she doesn’t listen to me. She thinks I’m ridiculous, psychotic…and there isn’t any reason for me to try and stop her anymore, because she’s already decided that there isn’t anything to be afraid of. After another ring of the doorbell, Kerri finally yanks the door open. I look, I try to see past her so I can find out who it is. But damn, Kerri is blocking my freakin view. I don’t dare move closer though, for fear that it might be Shane…or something…

“Elisha?” I hear her say after a moment, and I gasp. For a moment, I think I’m hearing things. Elisha couldn’t’ be here, not now. She’s on vacation…or at least she’s supposed to be. Right…vacation with Trace. My eyes widen. Trace. Shit…he better not have come home for my sake.

“I just came to get my stuff.” Elisha pushes her way past Kerri, and into the house. She sees me, stares at me for a moment, and then shakes her head. “I won’t be long…you can put the frying pan away now.”

My mouth gapes open, and I slowly lower the frying pan I’ve been holding in the air. “You’re…you’re supposed to be in Barbados,” I tell her.

Elisha rolls her eyes at me. “Well I’m not.”

I’m still confused. “Well…where’s Trace?”

“He’s in Barbados,” she states simply, before walking toward the staircase.

I look at over at Kerri, but she doesn’t look as shocked as I feel. There’s an almost disappointed look on her face…a saddened one. And I try to figure out what‘s running through her head, but I can‘t. “But…wait…” I call out to Elisha. “What happened? Did y’all have a fight?”

She starts up the stairs, but pauses to look at me again. “Something like that,” she mutters, and starts away again.

“Elisha…come on you can’t just…expect me to understand.”

She sighs, and pauses again. “It’s not your problem, Justin. This about me and Trace, and nobody else,” she tells me. Without another word, she turns and runs up the rest of the stairs before I can stop her.

“But…he didn’t even call me!,” I call after her. I feel so excluded, like what’s happening in my best friend’s life isn’t any of my business. It makes me angry, and I start towards the staircase. “You’re not going to walk away from me without an explanation!” I bark. “There’s too much going on…” But before I can ascend the staircase, Kerri is there blocking my path.

“I’ll handle it, Justin,” she tells me. “Just stay down here.”

“No,” I say angrily. “It’s…it’s not your concern. Trace is…”

“I said I’d handle it Justin!” she yells. “If you go up there you’re just going to yell at her and make this worse than it already is! So just…just stop being an asshole and go sit down!” She points to the couch with a stern expression, and doesn’t move from her position.

I shoot her my angriest look, hoping it will break through her barrier and make her upset…but it doesn’t’ work.

“Go,” she mutters.

And I have no other choice. I sit down on the couch, and when I look up again Kerri is marching up the staircase; a stern expression on her face. I’m worried as hell. I know they don’t’ get along as it is. So if that’s the case I don’t see why Elisha would tell Kerri anything. I mean, it’s really my problem isn’t it? Trace and Elisha are having problems because of me…because of what I did with Shane. So then it’s my responsibility to fix things. But I don’t want Kerri to yell at me anymore, because I’m a little pussy who can’t take it. So I’ll just sit here and wonder and hope like hell that they won’t beat the living hell out of each other. And if they do…

I guess it’s just another thing I have to worry about.

*************

Even though I really hate to admit it, Elisha Cuthbert is one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen. No hair on her head is ever out of place, and her figure and complexion are flawless. I’ve often wondered how Trace ever managed to get a girl like her to fall in love with him, since he’s such an ordinary looking guy. I know Justin hooked them up. They were friends first, and Justin decided that Elisha would be perfect for Trace; so he set them up on a date. I guess without Justin being there to blind her with his ego and charm, Elisha was able to see the real Trace shine through. That sweet caring guy, just looking for somebody to love him for him. I guess Elisha can’t be as stuck up as I’ve made herout to be, because Trace would never go for somebody like that…but still, I don’t know what he sees in the girl personality wise. She seems so cold and unforgiving. Or maybe its just because of the crazy shit going on in all of our lives. Who knows? I certainly don’t care. But I wish she could be a little nicer considering the circumstances as to why I’m here.

“I don’t know why you’re standing there,” Elisha grunts, and throws a drawer full of shirts into her suitcase. “Nothing you can say is going to fix this, Kerri. You’re not even a fucking part of this. Just…go downstairs and comfort Justin.” She straightens herself and laughs a little. “That’s your job isn’t it? To be his little babysitter?”

I glare at her. I don’t want to start something. I don’t’ want to tell her that Trace called me and poured his heart out to me about how he’s not in love with this woman anymore. It’s spiteful and a lousy way to act. I mean, I know I wouldn’t’ want anybody to throw my relationship with Justin in my face. But she’s just…god, a bitch. Who is she to tell me that I’m not a part of this? I’m totally a part of it. “You know, Trace called me today,” I spit out. “So you can stop talking me down and acting like I know nothing, Elisha.” I take a step toward her and smile a little, thankful that I got a nap in so I could be energized for this. “I know what happened.”

But her reaction isn’t at all what I expected. She doesn’t seem shocked, or phased, or…anything. She just keeps packing her clothes; almost like she’s known that I’ve known all along. “I knew he would,” she finally says. “Asshole can’t keep his mouth shut about anything.”

I glare at her. “You don’t’ need to talk about him that way. I understand that you fought and that you’re bitter. But…he’s my friend, and well…you haven’t really given me any reason to respect you so…”

“Respect!” she cuts me off, and takes a few steps towards me. “You want to know about respect Kerri? About…respecting your boyfriend even though he’s a fucking wreck who can barely fuction from day to day? About…trying to love him, even when he tells you that he doesn’t think he has room in his life for you anymore?” She presses her face close to mine, and I swallow back my anxiety. “I’ve put up with it,” she nods. “I’ve watched him cry, and puke, and dig himself into the ground every damn day since this whole thing started. And…” she pauses, and I can see the tears forming in her eyes, but she quickly sucks in a breath and they vanish. “I’m not doing it anymore.”

Part of me wants to feel sorry for her. I know she’s probably sacrificed a lot of her time, trying to hold her relationship together through this whole thing, without anybody else to support her. I guess I shouldn’t be acting like she has a nerve breaking up with Trace. He has too much on his mind to focus on her and I guess a girl like Elisha shouldn’t have to wait around like she has been. But then I think she’s being selfish. It’s not like they were simply dating. They were engaged to be married and that’s supposed to be a sacred thing. How could she just end it like that…and make Trace lose the what little happiness he had left in his life? “Can’t you think about this from Trace’s perspective?” I finally say. “He’s been working so hard trying to make everything okay again. Justin is his best friend…and I’m his best friend too. Like, god, I’m so fucking sorry that some psychos came and kidnapped us. And I’m fucking…sorry that Trace was stuck in the middle of it all. But what did you expect to happen after it was over Elisha? Did you think he was just going to forget about us and concentrate on you?”

She’s silent for awhile after that. She doesn’t move from her postion. She only stares at me, seemingly lost in thought. I almost wish I knew her better, so I could try to figure out what’s running through her mind right now. But I don’t know her…not at all.

“You don’t even know…what it’s been like.” She slowly sits down on the bed, and runs a perfectly manicured hand through her shiny blond mane. “He blames himself…every minute of every day. He wakes up screaming, and crying…and I’ve tried like fuckin hell to get him to talk about it with me. But he won’t talk to me, not at all.” She shakes her head, and then she chokes out a sob. “You can’t understand, he says. You don‘t know them like I do, he says. And then…he always tells me I don’t know what he did and that I can’t know…that nobody can know. What am I supposed to do when he’s acting that way all the time? I don’t even know him anymore,” she sobs. “And I can’t spend the rest of my life waiting for him to come around, Kerri. So don’t act like I’m the bad person!” she points to her chest, and then wipes the tears from her face with her hand. “Im just letting him off the hook,” she sniffles. “That’s what he needs right now. And…I love him, so I’m going to do it for him.”

She’s still in love with him, and the thought almost makes me happy but then…I know she’s never going to be with him again. Not because she doesn’t’ want to, but because Trace is so hurt by her walking out on him that he’ll never take her back. I feel a dull ache in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like I’m going to vomit. I…I feel like a home wrecker. Our tragedy tore Trace and Elisha apart, and even if they’re able to be friends again one day…they’ll never be as close as they once were. It’s nto fair. They’re the innocent ones. The ones that had to stand by and watch while their whole world crumbled down around them. I wish like hell I had some kind of superpower that could turn back time and make things right again. But this isn’t a televison show or a movie; this is reality and Elisha is moving on with her life. “Are you sure you can’t stick around for just a little while,” I ask her. “Maybe when he comes back home, he’ll have cleared his head a little.”

She sighs, and shakes her head. “It’s too late for that now.” She smiles sadly. “God knows…our last fight was the end all be all of fights for us. It’s just over, and that’s all. If I stay, we’ll only hurt each other more.”

For the first time in my life, I’m actually going to agree with her. She’s doing this to be fair…because she loves him, and it will be easier for Trace if he doesn’t have to worry about the burden of a relationship and a wedding in the back of his mind. It sucks for Elisha though, really bad. But if this experience has taught me anything, it’s how everybody is being made to suffer because of this thing. Not just the direct victims. I don’t know why…it’s fucking weird, but I actually hug her. I think she might pull away too, but then she embraces me too…like we’re old friends or something. I guess she can be mature. I guess…she’s not at all the person I’ve made her out to be. “I’m so sorry that…we caused…” I begin, once we let go of each other.

“No…no,” she shakes her head roughly. “Don’t ever blame yourself okay? It’s bad enough…what happened. I just want the three of you to be okay. I love Trace, and I love Justin. And well…I’ve really grown to respect you too Kerri, even though I had a fucked up way of showing it most of the time. I just…you’ve really been there for Justin, and Trace too. Promise me that you’ll take care of them okay?”

She’s putting all of her faith in me right now, and I want to tell her that I’m probably the least reliable person out of the three of us…but I don’t want to break her anymore than she is now. I need to wisen up, I realize. Stop drinking, stop hating myself, and just…focus. I need to focus. “I’ll try the best I can,” I nod. “But I want you to check in with me too…okay?”

She gives me another quick hug. “I will…but that’s just between us okay? I don’t want Trace thinking I’m still worrying about him. Don‘t tell him when I call…and don‘t tell Justin either. He‘ll just go tell Trace.”

I give her a confused look. “You don’t’ want him to know that you still care?”

She sighs. “I know it sounds weird…but no. I don’t want him thinking about me anymore. I just want him to get better. And if anybody can help him to get better…it’s you and Justin. Talk to him okay? Try to get him to tell you what the hell is going on with him.”

I shrug. “He’s just stressed, and he worries too much. Once the tour starts, I‘m sure…”

“No,“ she interrupts. “It’s something else Kerri. He’s…he’s tearing himself apart about something. I don’t know what he could have possibly done, but whatever it is…it’s bad.”

I know I could never pressure Trace into telling me something that’s troubling him. He always needs to feel like he’s in control of this situation. That he’s helping Justin…that he’s helping me, and that everything is running smoothly. I know that if I told him I knew something was going on with him too, he would just laugh it off and tell me that I should know why he’s stressed. I realize that Trace has been doing a really great job of hiding his feelings, only breaking down in emotional battles with Elisha…because she actually went there and pressured him until he broke down and screamed at her for being too pushy. “I’ll try,” I say, without much enthusiasm, and one look into Elisha’s eyes tells me that she doesn’t’ think I’m going to hold true to my promise.

“You better go back down there,” she nods. “Make sure Justin isn’t freaking out or anything.” She slowly stands up, and starts to pack her bags again; sobbing a little as she does so.

“Elisha…” I sigh.

“Take care of yourself, Kerri,” she says to me quietly.

And I know our conversation is finished.

Without another word, I leave her with her thoughts and I make my way downstairs again. Justin of course, is right where I left him on the sofa. But once he sets eyes on me, he immediately jumps up from his postion.

“Well?” he exclaims. “What happened? What’s she doing? What’d she say? Is she leaving…did she talk to Trace…did she…”

“Justin!” I yell, cutting off his rambling. “Just calm down okay? Sit down…take a breath, and calm down.”

He sits down, but he doesn’t calm down. He looks angry, confused, and scared all at the same time, and I can’t blame him. He really wanted this vacation to work out for Trace, and it kills me that I have to tell him that it didn’t work out at all…and that it’s not ever going to work out again. I don’t want to put him through more pain. He’s come so far, and today in the car…I felt so safe and protected with him beside me. Like, if anything or anybody tried to harm us he would have protected me to the best of his ability. I fell asleep…I never ever just fall asleep. He’s stronger than me now, I realize. A lot stronger. And I don’t want this thing with Trace to ruin that. Of course there’s a chance that it might not, but I know him…and I know how much he cares about Trace. For a moment I think…I just won’t tell him. But lying to him won’t do him any good. He’ll find out from Trace if he doesn’t find out from me, and then he’ll be mad that I didn’t’ tell him. So I do what I know I have to. I sit down next to him, take his hand, and look into his eyes. “I have to tell you something. But…I don’t want you to get all freaked out and worried okay?”

“They’re not together anymore.”

I stare at him in disbelief. I think he knew the truth from the moment Elisha walked in the door, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself. “Justin…”

“Damn it.” He puts his head in his hands and sighs. “Why do I always fuck everybody’s life up, Kerri?”

“Justin.” I sigh and move closer to him. “This isn’t your fault. It’s just…all the tension has built up around them and they’ve just grown apart. It happens, and you can’t blame yourself and neither can I.”

He picks his head up and looks at me. “It wouldn’t have happened, if I didn’t have sex with Shane,” he whispers. “They’d still be together. I could have…stopped it.” He sobs a little. “I didn’t…I didn’t want to do it…”

I take both of my hands to his face and pull him towards me. “Listen to me,” I say seriously. “You need to stop blaming yourself for this…for Shane and what he did to you. He did it to you Justin. You did nothing wrong…you didn’t have sex with him.” I shake him a little to get my point across, all the while trying not to cry. “You were taken advantage of, and there’s nothing you could have done about it. Do you understand me, Justin? You did nothing wrong.” I shake my head a little, and manage a small smile. “Nothing.”

He pulls back from me after a while, but there is no evidence that my words have relieved him whatsoever. “They were supposed to get married,” he says, more to himself than to me. “And everything was fine. I was fine, Cam was fine…Trace and Elisha were fine. And you…you were fine too. Then one split fuckin second…that’s all it took and then…” he pauses and rubs his face with his hand. “God, I need to go talk to her,” he panics and rises from the sofa. “She’s making a mistake.”

He tries to walk away from me, but I grab his sleeve and stop him. “Justin, she knows what she’s doing. We just had a long talk and…”

“What do you know?” he snaps. “You weren’t even around when they started going out, Kerri. I’m the one that got them together, and…and I’m the only one that can fix this.”

“You can’t fix everything Justin!” I yell at him, even though I don’t want to. “This is out of your hands, okay? Elisha is doing the best thing she can for Trace, and you need to respect her decision. It’s her life.”

“Trace’ll never forgive me,” he whimpers. “He’s goin’ to come home and blame me for ruining his relationship.”

“He’s not going to blame you for anything.” I hate that Justin has to constantly be reassured about everything. He was always so sure of himself in the past. Nobody could tell him he was wrong, and if they did, he would find a way to make his opinion stand out above all else. He’s almost like a little child now. A little unconfident child that needs to be cared for and watched over. Almost like I was when I was little. Although I know my emotions are probably more out of whack than Justin’s this week, his mood right now is proving to me that he’s still extremely messed up, and he still needs me to do what I was brought out here to do for him. “You know Trace wouldn’t do that.”

He bites his lip, and clenches his fists nervously. ‘I don’t know,” he whispers. “I don’t know, Ker.”

“Look.” I pull him into a hug, and I can feel him trembling all over. “We’ll call Trace tomorrow and talk to him about all of this okay? Tonight though, you need to relax. You know, the people from the alarm company are coming tomorrow and I know you want to be your best for them…right?”

He pulls back from me after a moment. He seems a little less worried, which is a good thing. I just hope it lasts. “You promise we’ll call tomorrow?,” he whispers.

I shoot him a reassuring smile. “I promise.”

He let’s me take him upstairs, and trys to con me into letting him into Trace’s room so he can ‘say goodbye’ to Elisha. But I’m not that naïve, and I tell him that he needs h is rest. Surprisingly he agrees, but I guess this day has been stressful enough with me crying on him like I did…that he figures he should get some sleep. So we go in his room, and I give him his toothbrush and the toothpaste so he can clean up. When he emerges from the room, he yawns loudly and smiles a little before he crawls into his bed.

“Night,” I smile before I turn out the light.

“Kerri.”

I groan a little. “God, what now?”

“If you have a nightmare…you can sleep with me, okay?”

I’m stunned that he would even offer. I know one of the biggest reason’s he’s so uncomfortable around me is because I’m a girl, and I guess he doesn’t know how he feels about girls at this stage. It’s a big step for him to even tell me that, and I’m proud of him. I know he’s making progress. “Thanks,” I whisper.

“Seriously,” he says. “I don’t want you freaking out and not sleeping like you’ve been. It’s not good Ker.”

He sounds like the Justin I used to be in love with, and that scares me. The tone of his voice…the way it sounds like he cares about me so much makes me want to believe it more than anything. But I don‘t want to, because I know it can’t be real. Justin isn’t that Justin anymore. Sure, he has his good moments…like right now, but I know in the morning he’ll be back to his usual crappy self again. “Goodnight, Justin.” It’s all I can manage to say.

He’s silent for a long time, and I almost think that he’s fallen asleep; but then I hear him speak up again.

“I’m sorry if I’ve made you afraid of me,” he says quietly. “But I want to work it out with us all right? I want to help you with whatever it is that your going through…because hell, you’ve helped me more than I can even tell you. So just…give me another chance…please. Let’s just put the bad shit behind us, and try to be friends.”

I bite down on the corner of my lip. The medicine, yeah. His medicine is making him say stupid sentimental things to me that he wont even remember in the morning. And if he won’t remember, then I guess it can’t hurt to just agree with him so he’ll go to sleep already. “Okay, Justin,” I say finally.

“Okay.”

I can hear him smile, and I stand in the doorway a little longer until I’m sure he’s asleep. Then I silently tip toe out the door and close it behind me gently. Don’t forget about me, I think to myself, but then I snap out of it. I can’t think about it anymore…about anything. I just need to sleep on all of this. Right, and when I wake up I’m sure I’ll have all the answers like I’m supposed to. Well…that’s if I can even get to sleep. But it couldn’t be that hard. I mean, I slept for hours before without having a nightmare. All I have to do is clear my head…not think about anything, and I’ll be fine. I close my eyes for a moment, and test myself in the darkness.

My eyes fly open. God. No…anything but Nathan. Not tonight.

Who am I kidding? I’m not getting any sleep tonight.