October 5th 2003

"Say bye bye, daddy," she whispered with a smile.

JC leaned over the crib, dipping his head in and kissing the baby softly on the side of his head. "I'll see you soon, bud."

He cautiously lifted his head out, careful not to hit the mobile.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay with him without me here?" JC asked uncertainly.

Jess smiled and nodded. "Yea, I think I will be. You've been gone before Jace, and he was fine when you came back home."

"But the last time I was gone for so long I missed seeing his first steps."

"You heard his first words though."

"You're only happy about that because he said ‘ma ma' first."

"He said ‘da dee' four days later though."

JC chuckled, looking at his son who was peacefully asleep in the crib.

"I don't know Jess."

"Babe, two weeks is long but it isn't THAT long compared to what you used to do."

"I'll be back in time for his first birthday though, I promise."

"I know you will. You get back three days before then anyways. I just hope I can calm him down when he wakes up in the morning and his dad isn't there to give him his morning bath or play with him for that hour before lunch like he usually does."

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go, you know? I know it's work and music is important to me, obviously, but sometimes I wish he wasn't still so young that he can't go on away with me."

"Maybe when he's three or after he turns two, we can start going on the road with you."

"I'd really like that."

"I know."

"Alright we should get outta here," JC whispered, seeing that Ian was starting to get a little fussy at the noise of their conversation. Jess turned on the mobile and it started to play a soft lullaby which soothed her son back to his innocent slumber.

"Be good for mommy," JC smiled at the baby. He held open the door for Jess to leave first and he followed her into the lit hallway, closing the door softly behind him.

"You can still come with me, you know," JC reminded her. "It's two weeks. Just throw a week's worth of clothes in a bag and we'll wash it and then you can just wear it all, all over again."

Jessica laughed, stepping closer to him to give him a hug and kissed his cheek. "That sounds tempting, but no."

"Fine," JC sighed, squeezing her tightly.

"It's Orlando, Jace. We have a house there. You go there all the time. Two weeks and you'll be back here in L.A."

"Yea, I know. I don't know why I want you guys to come with me so badly this time. It isn't different to the other times I've been gone. I guess I just love having my family on the road with me."

"Yea but I miss you a little more each and every time you do leave. But that just makes it all worth it when I do see you again for the first time when you come back. I've got his birthday party to work on and all that. Plus, I still got stuff to take care of around the house since you won't be here. Being a wife and a mom to an almost one year old is hard work. I need to take him to the pediatrician this week too."

"Is he supposed to get injections or anything like that?"

"Perhaps."

"Then I am out of here," JC grinned, pecking her on the lips. "You get to take care of that by yourself."

"Yea, yea. Ha-ha," Jess laughed sarcastically. "This coming from the guy whose wife has to hold his hand whenever YOU need a shot."

JC rolled his eyes. "That was ONCE and it was right after we got married. You're never gonna let me live that down, are you?"

"I'll stop talking about it when Ian gets old enough to understand it, so then he can start teasing you about it."

JC rolled his eyes, taking her hand and leading them down the staircase and to the front door where his two, black suitcases rested in the foyer.

"The car's outside?" Jess asked.

JC nodded. "Yea. Flight's in an hour and a half."

"Then you need to get going before you miss it so that I can avoid a phone call from you ranting about every time you're early for a flight, it delays and whenever you're late, the plane leaves you."

"Again, that happened once, maybe twice-"

"Six times."

JC chuckled. "I love you, baby."

She smiled, letting her eyes outline the shape of his lips. "I love you too."

He opened his mouth but she cut him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

"I'll see you soon," she said. "Remember? Chris said that you guys should start saying ‘I'll see you soon' or ‘I'll see you later' instead of ‘Bye.' Because, well, I will be seeing you soon."

JC smiled. "I'll see you guys soon. Just a couple weeks."

She cupped his face with her hands and kissed him sweetly, letting her hands slowly drag down his neck, over his shoulders and rested flat against his chest.

"You can still come next week," JC suggested weakly, pulling away.

"Depending on how this week goes and on how much stuff that gets done, I'll think about it and call you."

"Or tonight?"

"No can do, Chasez. You are already late and I have to get up in about four hours to breastfeed. You gotta go."

JC picked up the suitcases, one in each arm as she went to open the door for him. A cool breeze from the outside blew in. JC stopped at where she stood, holding open the door and looked at her.

"You can still-"

"Next week, babe. Hopefully."

"So not this week?"

"Nah."

"Not tonight?"

She shook her head. "Mm-m."

"Last call before I-"

  "-Are you sure you don't wanna leave?" JC asked casually, but still hopeful the answer would be yes. He helped Ian unbuckle himself from the backseat and lifted him out onto the ground. "We can go home or we can leave the car here and take a walk down to the park and then get some McDonald's maybe?"

Ian shook his head, a serious expression shadowing the soft features of his face. "Is it here?"

Yea, it's over there," JC nodded across the street where a tall cemetery wall was built. "This is your last call. You really want to go in there?"

"Yea."

"You're not going to see your mom in there," JC told him gently. "You know that, right?"

"I can't see mom but she can see me," Ian said positively, taking JC's hand. "She can see you too, daddy. Let's gooooo."

JC smiled. "Okay."

JC held on to his son's hand. He looked down the empty street to the left, then to the right,then to the left again.

It was quiet, not a sound of a car engine running sounded from anywhere nearby nor were there any other people walking along the street. JC wasn't sure if he was just killing time to avoid going in or if he was just giving Ian a few extra seconds to change his mind but the five ear old remained patient.

Ian did as JC was doing, looking up and down the road for oncoming cars. Satisfied with the clear road before them, they crossed the street and entered through the black, steel gate that was opened to their visiting.

JC stepped in, Ian standing in front of his legs, and looked around. A breath hitched in his throat as the flashbacks of memories he had from this same place almost two years ago each wrestled the other for a clear space in JC's mind.

"Dad?" Ian interrupted his thoughts.

JC cleared his throat, shaking his head as he relieved himself of the recollection of thoughts. "What?"

"Where is mom's toom, uh, tumb-" The five year old took a second before he remembered the word. "Tombstone?"

"Yea," JC nodded. "Tombstone. Uh, I'll show you. Try to only walk on the grassy paths, okay?"

Ian held on to his father's hand and walked with him, not even the least bit fazed by the eerie silence that seemed to continue ringing in JC's ears or by the fact that he was in a setting where dead bodies were buried under the Earth.

JC still got shudders coming to this place, and quite frankly, he was surprised he still knew how to get to her particular gravesite like he was going up to his bedroom from his kitchen- he still remembered.

They walked slowly for two minutes before JC came to a stop when they got to where they were going.

He stooped down to be at eye level with the blue eyed, brown haired child and looked him in the eye.

"You okay so far?" JC asked.

Ian nodded. "Can I talk to mom now? Are we here?" An excited look came over his face and JC tried to smile.

"Yea, she's uh... That's the one." He nodded over to the headstone behind Ian, just a mere two feet away from them. It was a bit distant from the others and JC was glad that he was able to choose a cemetery where the workers maintained the environment and kept each site presentable and, though surrounded by trimmed grass, clean. 

Ian walked over to the area and stood at the bottom of the covered plot, facing directly toward the headstone.

JC went over to where he was and Ian looked up at him.

"Sit."

JC hesitated before responding. "We're not gonna be here long so I'll just stand. C'mon. Go ahead." He looked at the white, folded paper Ian had been holding that entire time.

"Pleease?"

JC sighed, taking a seat cross legged on the ground. "Alright I'm here now. Do your thing."

"Can mommy hear me?"

JC nodded and smiled, putting a comforting hand on his son's back. "Go ahead."

Ian unfolded the paper and JC leaned in to listen.

I do not remember what you told me

I cannot remember your smell

I do not remember many things

But I miss you more than I can tell

I do remember your smile

And the way you hugged me tightly

I remember you made daddy happy

I wish you were still here, mommy.

Ian lowered the paper and looked at JC who had a shocked look on his face.

"I'm done."

"You wrote that?"

Ian nodded. "My teacher helped me."

"And you read it really well," JC shook his head, shocked at what his five year old just read off. "That was great, bud."

Ian's face lit up. "Really? You think mom heard it?"

JC grinned, pulling the child in for a hug. "Yea, she did. I hope she did."

"I don't remember a lot."

"The memories that you do have are in your heart. Physically, they're in that scrapbook."

"You like the poem?"

JC nodded, taking the paper and scanning it in Ian's messy handwriting. He reread what he had heard just moments before and folded it carefully before putting it in his pocket. "I'm framing it."

"You talk to her."

"What?"

"There's a bird over there," Ian pointed to a pigeon just a few feet away. "I wanna play. You talk to mommy."

"Ian, I don't think I-"

"Make you feel better."

"I feel fine."

"No."

And how would this kid know this?

"We can stick around if you wanna talk to her some more but I don't have much to say. I can tell you stuff about her."

Ian shook his head. "Talk to her. Say what's in there," he pointed to JC's chest.

JC was about to say something but Ian ran over to where the pigeon was walking around and tried to pet it.

I am not going to- Oh, what the hell.

"Remember, don't touch any of those stones or stomp around near any of the other plots, okay?" JC called out.

Ian looked at him and nodded, following the bird. JC took a minute to watch Ian play before he was sure that the five year old's little play area wasn't anywhere further than six plots away from where he sat.

JC brought his knees up and let his arms rest on them. He looked at the tombstone and stared at the first two lines calmly. He couldn't believe a five year old was getting him to do this.

Jessica Chasez

17th August 1977 - 14th July 2006

JC let out a tiny smile as he felt a single tear run down his cheek. "I miss you baby," he whispered, wiping the tear away. "I really, really miss you."

He looked over briefly and saw that Ian was still occupied before turning back. "Can you hear me, Jess?"

He waited a moment for some sort of sign but he got nothing besides soft sounds of the leaves in the trees rustling from the breeze.

"I didn't think so," he said to himself softly, letting his head fall in a little.

"You know," JC continued, raising his head. "I think about you. I've thought about you every, single day that I've woken up without you next to me. And... I don't know how it's possible but the pain gets worse every, single time. I thought it was supposed to get better. When does it get better, Jess? When am I supposed to feel better about this? When do I get to finally wake up with a smile on my face and go downstairs and not expect to see you cooking breakfast or something? When is my heart supposed to stop breaking every time that our son asks me a question about a memory of you but I don't want to answer him because sometimes it's still too painful for me to get the words out? When do those feelings go away? I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the only one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the only one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night and think about all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life."

He looked back at Ian who had a smile on his face. He let out an excited chuckle when he tried to touch to bird but the animal fluttered its wings. JC couldn't help but chuckle to himself.

"He's growing up, uh? And I wish you were here to see it. I'm trying so hard with him Jess," JC shook his head, whispering as he continued to talk. "I love him so much. And he reminds me of you in so many ways. Everyone says he looks like me but every time I look at him, I see that twinkle in his eye that you used to have that never used to go away- even in our darkest times. He talks about you a lot, as you just heard or at least, I hope you did. It kills me sometimes when I take a second to think about the future and realize that you're not gonna be here when he brings a girl home for the first time, when I'm the one who's gonna have to ground him for breaking curfew... You're not gonna be here for his high school graduation or when he goes to college or to see where he goes in life. It kills me knowing that you're not gonna be here when he gets married and has kids of his own. I'm gonna be in that house alone telling our grandkids about this grandmother that they're never gonna get to meet."

JC took a moment to look up at the clear blue sky.

"I don't know if you saw me that day Jess, but the day I had to bury your body down here in the ground, that was the hardest day of my life. I vowed with every bone in my body that I would never come back here. I tell Ian all the time that it isn't your fault that you left us like this. I tell him that you're watching over us and that you're his guardian angel but I don't know if I can believe it the way he does. If it wasn't for the son that you and I created together, there is no way in heaven's name that I think I would be sitting here right now. Thank you babe, for giving him to me- to us. God, Jessica, I need you, babe. I... I... I don't want to do any of the things I have planned out without you. It's been almost two whole years since you've been gone and it feels like just this morning that I was standing next to you telling you I loved you before they reeled you into surgery. You remember that? Can you remember those things where you are?"

JC waited a few seconds before silently chuckling to himself, using the sleeve of his t shirt to brush away to tears that had fallen. "I don't even know if you heard a word I just said."

He savored the brief silence before heaving a sigh.

"I'm still trying to accept that you're not here. I'm still trying to accept that every day for the rest of my life, you are going to be nothing but a memory to me. A memory that's imprinted on my heart forever. Do you miss me, baby? Do miss our son? Can you even see us? Because right now, the two of us are all we have. I comfort him when he needs it and in the strangest way, Ian comforts me by just holding on to me. I guess the fact that I'm comforting him, it comforts me as well. I don't wanna say goodbye Jess. I didn't say it when we put you to rest either. Do I baby girl? I don't want there to be. There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart. That's an easier way of knowing that I probably won't ever say hello again. Not in this life, anyways. I don't know when... Probably when I can't move my hips around a stage and Ian's kids are making fun of their grandpa, maybe then I'll join you up there. I mean, being a single dad is hard work you know."

"Daddy!" Ian ran up to him, throwing his arms around his neck from behind.

But it's so worth it sometimes.

"Yo, dude," JC chuckled, letting Ian get off his back and walk around to face him.

"You talk to mommy too?"

JC smiled. "Yea, you can say that."

"Did she tell you she's okay, too?"

JC frowned oddly. "No?"

"She told me."

"How?"

"When I was over there. She told me she's okay and she said to take care of daddy because you always take care of me. She said I love you."

"You heard her say all that?"

"It wasn't loud. I didn't see her. I didn't exactly hear it either. It came to me in her voice."

JC smiled, stealing a glance up at the sky. So you can hear me.

"You okay?"

"Yea, I'm okay, bud."

"Talking is good. It helps."

JC chuckled. "Yea, it does. It helps a lot. I'm glad you wanted to come here."

"Me too."

"You ready to go?"

"Yea. I'm hungry now."

"Well let's get something to eat then."

"Pizza?"

"You want pizza? McDonalds is closer."

"McDonalds," Ian nodded.

"Alright. Let's get out of here."

"Bye mommy," Ian said, his small voice just above a whisper. He turned around and started walking back to the gate, thinking his father was following him.

JC got up, dusting off his pants with his hands. He looked at the tombstone one last time before running to catch up with Ian. He read and reread the final lines that were engraved.

She did more than exist, she lived.
She did more than listen, she
understood. She appreciated every moment because
she knew she might never be able
to experience it again.

Her memory is enshrined in our hearts.

JC sighed. He looked around and smiled softly before turning back to the site. "Rest peacefully baby girl. I love you."

...

I love you too Josh.