October 11th 2002

JC sat quietly in the dimly lit room on the rolling stool next to her bed. He used his thumb to swipe over the surface of her hand and watched her as she lay on the bed, her eyes closed but her breathing heavy yet silent.

...But she wasn't asleep.

Her head turned slowly from side to side on the pillow in obvious discomfort, from the look on her face, and she squeezed his hand. Hard.

JC reacted instantly and started talking to her gently. "Just breathe through it Jess. I'm here baby, just breathe through it."

Every time a contraction would hit, JC would say those words to her and she'd get straight back into her focus zone immediately. They had more or less been in this same position for the last three hours, when labor had started intensifying.

Every time she even looked like she was ready to scream out from the pain, JC would say or do something comforting and she'd calm down, keeping her composure and riding it out.

She maintained her grip for a few long seconds before easing up a bit and exhaling softly. She turned her head over to his direction and opened her eyes to look at him.

"You doing alright there?" JC asked gently.

She nodded as best as she could and even managed a tiny but tired smile. "You're a saint for being so calm and patient through all this."

JC looked at her and shook his head. "You, baby, are the saint here. I'm not even doing any of the hard stuff. You are. And you haven't even yelled or screamed or threatened to kill me yet."

She closed her eyes and giggled at the last part. "Even if I did want to kill you for putting me in this position, I don't have the energy for it."

"You're amazing. I hope you know that. I could never do what you're doing. Not so calmly, anyways."

"You'd be amazed what your body is capable of doing."

"I know right. Even after being in this hospital all this time watching you do this with that needle in your hand, I'm amazed I haven't passed out yet." He grinned. "I'm proud of myself."

"I'm proud of you too, hun."

"I'm even more proud of you for willingly putting yourself through this just to bring our child into this world. Almost nine months of wobbling around and throwing up and weird cravings and I know you've been having those back aches for a while and I know your ankles used to hurt a lot too. I notice things. And then watching you lie here for hours, contraction after contraction, and you still haven't had a single complaint about any of this. Not once. That in and of itself is amazing."

"It's because I know that in the end, all that stuff would have been worth it once we got past this part and would then have our baby in our arms."

"Are you ready?"

"For what? The actually birth?"

"To be a mom."

"Are you ready to be a dad?"

JC ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I'm nervous. I'm scared. And I'm not sure why one little baby that isn't even here yet is already intimidating the crap outta me."

"My answer isn't very different from - Oh," She squeezed his hand again and restarted her deep breathing exercises JC had practically forced her to give a chance when he practically forced her into doing a birthing class."Really. Bad. Contraction."

"It'll be over soon honey," JC assured her. "You're doing an amazing job, just keep breathing."

"Josh, it hurts!" Her was voice barely above a whisper. "It just... It hurts!"

--- "It hurts!" Ian wailed, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Daddy! It hurts!"

The almost five year old sat on the counter of the island in the kitchen with his right leg stretched out to his father. There were a few bleeding scratches and a bruise on the knee. Though it was nothing too serious, Ian hadn't stopped crying until JC had started interfering and used a wet cloth to try to clean it up a bit.

That's what JC got when he gave his son elbow pads and forgot about the knee pads when teaching a kid how to ride a bicycle - well, tricycle - for the first time, in his concrete driveway.

"This is gonna sting a little alright bud?" JC looked at his son and held up the Bactine spray. "I need you to be brave. Okay?"

Ian sniffled and nodded.

JC sighed and applied the spray over the cuts. Ian didn't make much noise, but JC did have to kind of keep a firm grip on his son's leg when he had started kicking so that he could quickly put on the three dinosaur band aids.

"There!" JC let go of the leg that was still trying to kick around and stepped back and put his arms in the air as though he was surrendering to something. "It's over. Daddy's done."

Ian looked at his father then back to the bandages on his foot and then back to his JC. He sniffled some more and used his small hands to rub away the tears from his eyes.

"You let go of da bike," Ian accused.

JC had to stifle a laugh there when he stepped forward to put away the elements of the first aid kit he had emptied out. "I did not."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh," JC shook his head, playfully. "Someone started pedaling too fast down the driveway!"

"You still let me go."

"At least you had on your helmet," JC sighed, rubbing his own head at the thought of Ian losing control of the bike and then ramming himself into the large, iron, automatic and security secured gate. Thank God Ian had made a swerve somehow and managed to fall into some grass. "Next time, don't get so excited and take off like that. Alright?"

"Okay..."

"Good. And next time, you will be wearing kneepads."

"The more protection the better Ian," Chris said seriously, walking into the kitchen. Lance followed closely behind, sipping on a coke can. "Learn that from now and use it for the rest of your life."

"Ain't that the truth," Lance chuckled.

"Uncle Chris!" Ian's face lit up and almost leaped off the counter top of the island if JC hadn't thought quickly and managed to hold him in place before he practically fell straight down onto the tiled kitchen floor.

"Ian!" JC scolded, picking him up and resting him down. "Bud, I've told a thousand times, do NOT EVER try getting down from there by yourself! Wait for an adult to pick you up and get you down or you will hurt yourself! Understood?"

"Yes," Ian mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Yes daddy."

"Alright," JC sighed, ruffling Ian's hair and then patting him on the back. "Go see your uncles over there."

Ian's face lit up as he remembered that Chris and Lance were standing a few feet away.

"Come here dude!" Chris stooped down and opened his arms. "Let your dad chill out for a sec."

Ian grinned, running up to Chris and being taken up and thrown into the air. It was his special greeting whenever any of the Bye Bye Bye Boys came over.

JC smiled and folded his arms. "What're you doing here? And how'd you even get in? I didn't open the gate for you guys."

"We know the code," Lance told him, high fiving Ian before taken a seat at the kitchen table that JC was pulling up a chair at.

"How?"

"You gave it to us."

JC frowned. "I gave it to Joey."

Lance nodded. "And Joey gave it to me and I gave it to Justin who gave it to Chris. We all know each other's codes for our houses."

JC rolled his eyes.

"Okay kid," Chris looked at Ian who was now standing and looking up at him eagerly. Ian always knew extra-fun was in the house whenever Chris came over. "I got twenty minutes to kill. What new games you got?"

"He has a new basketball set setup in the backyard but the basketballs are in his room," JC said.

"I play with Uncle Chris daddy?" Ian asked sweetly.

...As if JC would say no.

JC chuckled. "Yea, go ahead. Just try not to get those band aids on your knee ripped off. Chris, be nice to my kid."

Chris rolled his eyes. "I only get violent when I'm playing with Justin."

"Be back," Ian dashed out of the kitchen and JC stood up almost in a frantic by the table. "Chris! Go make sure he doesn't run up those stairs trying to take two at a time! He fell down once and-"

"I'm on it," Chris turned around and went to follow Ian up the stairs.

JC sighed, shaking his head but frowned when he noticed that Lance was staring at him and chuckling.

"What's so funny?"

"Why are you suddenly so protective?"

"I'm not protective," JC defended himself, sitting back down. "I'm just tryna be careful and observant with what he's doing."

"Why? He's a kid. He's active."

"He's always doing something now. Before, I'd just play with him and maybe we'd watch some TV and play some more and then he'd be out like a light. Now, it's just like he always wants to do something! He literally sprints out of his room when he wakes up on a morning and if he's up before I am, he starts jumping around on my bed. He wanted to start riding bicycles and he fell off and scraped his knee. Now, not even ten minutes later, an opportunity presents itself and now he wants to go outside in the Sun and play basketball. I'm never bored when I'm around him! He's so hyper all the time."

"Sounds like a young JC, don't you think?"

"I was shy when I was his age."

"When I say young, I mean back in your MMC days and early *NSYNC days when you were always bouncing around doing something. You used to always be taking care of something. He's like a young you. Hyper. I actually think he gets more hyper as the months go by."

"Or he's like a young Joey. With all the jumping around that Ian does, I'm surprised that he hasn't dubbed himself to be Superman yet."

"Maybe he sees that his dad is always on the move so he wants to do the same," Lance shrugged. "The kid wants to be like you."

JC leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm tired."

"Just thirteen more years or so man," Lance grinned and JC laughed but then quieted down, leaving a soft smile on his face.

"I'm not tired of being a dad. I'm just tired of..." His voice trailed off.

"Being a single dad? You're in complete control of that, brother. What about that Susanne person? Didn't you have a date with her or something? Or that's what Justin told me..."

"Yea, I took her out for dinner and then we went back to her place and that was it. I came home and played with Ian for the rest of my night and after he fell asleep, I played with my guitar and my keyboard."

"Did you play with yourself?" Lance grinned.

"Don't be gross," JC chuckled.

"You haven't been laid in almost two years."

"Why are you worrying about my sex life?"

"I'm not! I'm just worrying about your life in general. Why didn't you fuck Susanne? She was hot and you went on a date."

"One, I don't fuck on the first date. Two, I haven't been with another woman in over six, close to seven years. I just took her out, we talked. It wasn't the best date but I got to know her a little better."

"That was it?"

"Basically."

"Did you kiss her?"

"Yes, Lance, I kissed her. But, it wasn't even like a good kiss, you know? I felt like I was in fucking middle school and the girl I had a crush on was locked in a closet with me after playing spin the bottle. I wasn't even gonna kiss her but I guess I just got swept away in the moment. It was dark, I walked her to her porch, I actually ASKED IF I could kiss her like an ass, she laughed and said yes, and then I kissed her. I was nervous, I was sweaty, for some reason I felt GUILTY when I got home and saw Jess' picture in the living room and that was my date. Great, right?"

"So you like her?" Lance smiled.

JC shrugged. "I don't know. She isn't what I'm looking for."

Lance leaned in, folding his arms across the table and stared at JC. "What exactly are you looking for JC? What does the perfect woman in your head have that Susanne doesn't?"

"Can we drop this?"

"Nope. I don't care if I'm pissing you off. You know I enjoy seeing people pissed off."

"The perfect woman exists only now in my heart and in my memory. She isn't coming back and whenever I see someone else, things just can't compare. Jess was... perfect. And even if she had her flaws, to me, she was perfect."

"There's a world full of beautiful women out there. You just haven't found the right one yet."

"That's the thing. I did find the right one."

"Jess doesn't count anymore."

"Hey, she counts to me!" JC snapped.

"I'm not saying that you've forgotten about her or anything C, jeez. I'm just saying that she doesn't count as a living, breathing, eligible match for you at this point in time. What are you getting so defensive for?"

"Just forget about it," JC muttered.

"Why won't you tell me if something's been bothering you?"

"You guys think I should forget about Jess! And I don't appreciate it when you guys keep telling me about all these women that you know when I am perfectly contented with my life the way it is."

"So you say."

"Whatever..."

"Your stubbornness," Lance pointed out, wagging a finger at finger at JC. "Another thing I think Ian got from you. When something was bothering Jessica, she'd just come to you and say it nicely. You? You like to convince people that you're fine all the time and then deal with everything by yourself. Jess never did that."

"I remember her being that way. You don't have to keep reminding me."

"Well it seems like you've forgotten."

"I haven't, okay?! I haven't forgotten what she used to be like. I haven't forgotten what she looked like. I haven't forgotten what she smelt like. I haven't forgotten what it was like to hold her and I haven't forgotten her touch nor have I forgotten what I used to feel when she touched me. I haven't forgotten the way she would smile at me when I would put Ian to sleep or play with him. I haven't forgotten what it was like to kiss her and then lie down with my arm around her. And I sure as hell haven't forgotten what it was like to hear her voice in my ear when she'd whisper ‘I love you' before falling asleep at night after a long day! I haven't forgotten any of it! Okay?!"

Lance studied him calmly. "I know that you haven't forgotten any of those things. And I know that you know that you haven't forgotten any of those things either."

"Then what're you trying to say?"

"That I do know that you are the way you are because you know that maybe one day, you just might forget all about all those things... And you're scared."