=Chapter Twenty-Three=Cold=

I heard a knock on my bedroom door and groaned. I did not want to deal with anyone right now, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I wanted to wallow in my own misery, feel sorry for myself because that was the only thing that I had left. I had screwed everything else up.

“Lola?” I heard my mother ask through the door. The tears started to come again when I heard her voice. The door slowly creaked open after a while of silence behind the door. I buried my head into my pillow trying to stop the tears from coming. I didn’t want to cry anymore, I didn’t want to feel this much pain anymore. I never thought someone could have this much pain. Especially me. I had never been known as the heartbreaker. I was the good girl. The good one of the twins, not the heartbreaker that I had turned into.

That had always been Kenzie’s deal, she had always been the center of attention. She was the one that all of the guys fawned over when we were younger. I was always the dorky one of the two, I was always studying in the library while she was on the cheerleading team or having the lead in the school play or singing her umpteenth solo that she had for choir. She was always the center of attention and I was actually happy with that. It gave me time to focus on my studies and crowds had never been my strong suit. While everyone was focusing on her I was able to do whatever I had wanted and not worry about anything.

I didn’t want to face my mother, I knew she was going to upset with me. She was going to scold me for letting all of this get out of hand. She was going to say that Kenzie’s career was over because of my carelessness. She was going to say that all of this was going to be my fault, it was my own doing and I had to deal with the consequences. I did not want to face her for I was in no shape to be getting a tongue lashing.

“Honey, it’s going to be all right,” my mother said softly. I felt the bed shift under her weight and a few seconds later her hand on my back rubbing it softly. A sudden rush of anger flowed through my body; I could feel my body temperature rising. How dare she say that it was going to be all right. It was not going to be all right, the man that I’m in love with, hates me with every fiber of his being. And I don’t blame him because I feel the same way about myself as well. But how dare she say that it’s going to be all right. She was pushing me to do this thing for Kenzie. It’s always about Kenzie.

Damn it, I feel like damn Jan Brady. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. I hated this feeling, I hated being able to be manipulated into to doing this. But I did let them manipulate me, it wasn’t all of their doing. I did have a part in all of this. I just wished that I didn’t have as much of a part in it as I do.

“I’m sure we’ll be able to fix things. I’m sure you didn’t mess things up too badly,” my mother said with a small sigh. Fix things. I didn’t mess things up too badly. That was it. I was not going to take this anymore. This abuse from my family.

I turned my head toward my mother and gave her the death stare. She removed her hand from my back and scooted a little closer toward the edge of the bed.

“Get out,” I said. She started to open her mouth to argue with me. “GET OUT!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “Get the fuck out of my room!” She jumped up from my bed and stared at me. She was in shock, I knew that. I had never talked to either of my parents like that before. I’m sure she didn’t know what to say or do. I turned over onto my side so I had my back to my mother, I stood up and turned toward her. She still had the dumbfounded look on her face. I crossed my arms over my chest and continued to glare at her.

“Lola Rachelle, you do not speak to me like that,” she choked out. She actually looked and sounded scared of me. I’m not sure why that thrilled me but it did. Maybe it was because this was one of the few times that I had actually stood up for myself against one of my parents. The feeling that raced through my veins was something that I had not felt in a really long time, if ever.

“And you, don’t disrespect me in my own goddamn house. Get the fuck out right now!” I yelled as I pointed toward my open door. I glanced over at the door and saw the rest of my family standing in the doorway. I new batch of tears started to make their way to the surface. I let out a small whimper. Why were they standing there in my doorway? Why did they have to see me right now? I did not need the rest of them seeing my humiliation. I knew they would all know about it but I didn’t need them to know as soon as it had happened. I closed my eyes as I tried to fight the tears. “Get out of my room, all of you, please.” I added the please at the end for Emmy and Hayden’s benefit. They hadn’t done anything wrong, it was my parents and Kenzie who had done something wrong.

“Okay, we’ll leave, Lo. If you need anything let me know,” I heard Emmy say after a long pause. I wasn’t even sure if I had said the words loud enough for anyone to hear me. Then I heard her encouraging my brother and father down the stairs. I heard her walk into the room and grab my mother. She whisked my mother out of the room. I didn’t open my eyes until I felt her eyes on me. She was standing a few feet away from me. I looked over at her, she gave me a sympathetic smile and reached out for a hug. She pulled me into her arms and held me for a few moments. I held back the tears as best I could. It was tough, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do it but I had. I didn’t want to cry in front of her, I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone. She gave me one final squeeze and then walked toward the door. She gave me a small smile before she shut the door behind her as she left the room. As soon as the door was closed I broke down again. Would this ever end? Would this damn nightmare I was in ever end?

=

I had been staring at the ceiling of my bedroom for who the hell knows how long. I wasn’t sure what time it was. The only thing that I could think about was how cold the bed next to me was. I can’t feel the warmth of her body. I can’t feel anything other than the cold. It seems to engulf everything. The pain and torture that I’ve been going through seems to have vanished for now. I know it is only a temporary thing, it will be back. The pain and torture has turned to numbness and I welcome that feeling at the moment. It’s almost feels like my sanctuary, it’s the only thing that’s keeping me from falling apart. The fact that I can’t feel anything is keeping me together.

The memories of the last seven months raced through my head. I began picking out the few moments when I should have questioned her about things. I should have questioned her the moment that we met up with each other at the beginning of all of this. She didn’t seem like herself. Well, I guess she didn’t seem like Kenzie, maybe she was herself. She seemed too nervous and fidgety. That should have been my first sign that something was up. Hell I know I was nervous to see Kenzie again after months of not speaking to one another but I didn’t let it show as much as she had. And the anxiety attacks, Kenzie never had them. Kenzie had always loved being in the middle of a crowd, being the center of attention. That was her thing, she felt like she was in her element when she was in a crowd. She was quite the opposite of her sister, who hated being in the crowds and liked being in more intimate moments. Kenzie hated the small intimate moments, that should have been a major red flag for me but I was so consumed by her that I didn’t care that things didn’t seem right. I was so excited about the idea of being on tour with her and being in close quarters with her.

It was a pretty widely known fact among my friends and family that I had a thing for her. It had never been a mutual thing before then, at least not to the extent that I had wanted it to be. Then when things started to change, she started showing interest in me. That completely changed everything, I fell head over heels for the girl. I couldn’t stop myself, I couldn’t see the signs that were screaming at me to question the situation that I was in. I wanted to scream at myself for not seeing the signs, it was glaringly obvious looking back at everything.

I rolled over onto my side and stared at the empty spot next to me. It was hard to imagine that all of this was over. I slowly moved my hand over to her side of the bed, the coolness of the sheets made my heart sink. I was hoping that they would be warm and smell like her. Even though I knew that wouldn’t be true, I knew they would be cold. I’m sure they did smell like her but I didn’t dare move anywhere closer to that side of the bed. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to handle the torture that would bring me to smell her scent again. I had already had a hard time the moment I walked into my house. Her scent was everywhere. It’s funny how a little bit of a person’s scent stays behind wherever they have been.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I threw the covers off of myself and jumped out of bed. There was no way I was going to get any kind of sleep, I might as well get up and do something. I heard Ollie make a quiet barking noise when he heard me move about the dark room. I ignored him and walked down the dark hallway toward the living room. Maybe watching a little television would distract me enough to get her out of my mind. I flopped down on the couch and reached for the remote. As I flipped the television on I saw movement out of the corner of my eye as Ollie came into the room, he settled down in front of the couch and made a huffing noise when he laid down. He was getting tired of this restlessness as well.

The bright screen came to life as the voices began to make their way through the speakers. I wasn’t sure what they were saying until I saw the image on the screen. I groaned as soon as I saw what was staring me in the face. It was an image of Lola walking through the airport being hounded by the paparazzi. She looked so small compared to the large crowd around her, she had large sunglasses that covered her eyes. She looked terrible, I could tell she had been crying. She looked deflated, my heart sank when I saw how much she was hurting but then I remembered what she had done to me. With that thought the pain came flooding back, I had to bite down onto my tongue to hold back the cry that I wanted to let out. I balled my hands into a fist, I couldn’t change the channel though. It was like a watching a car wreck, you couldn’t look away even though it was tough to watch.

The blonde host came onto the screen and began talking about how things had gone down the night of the blow up. She said talked about what eyewitnesses had seen that night. Thankfully there was not video of what had happened, I’m not sure seeing it would have been a good thing for me. I had to live through it once I’m not sure I could live through it a second time. The pain was becoming unbearable, I had to change the channel. I had to get away from this but I wasn’t sure how. There was no getting away from it.

=

It’s extremely irritating how self my sister is being. All she does is think about herself. Does she not know that this affects me as well? My career is over, through. There is going to be nothing left of it when all of this gets out to the media. Luckily right now no one knows about her pretending to be me. All they know is that she and Justin have broken up. But it’s only a matter of time before someone slips up and lets the cat out of the bag. I am dreading that day.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh on her, Kenzie?” Emmy asked as she stood staring at me with her arms crossed over her chest. I look over at my younger sister, and can’t help but see myself in her. She looks like the spitting image of Lola and I when we were her age. The only difference is Emmy had dark brown hair while Lola and I have red hair that we had inherited from our grandmother. I rolled my eyes at Emmy, she had no idea how dire this situation was. “She just had to break up with the man that she was in love with. She’s had to lie to him for the last seven months.”

“Well, it’s not my fault that she fell in love with him. She knew better than to do so, she knew she would have to call it all off eventually.” I knew I was being slightly cruel to my sister, I knew a person couldn’t help who they fell in love with but she should have known better than to fall in love with him. She knew it wouldn’t end well if she did.

“You are terrible, you know that. Put yourself in Lola’s shoes; I’m sure you would be reacting the same exact way.”

“No I would not, because I wouldn’t let myself get in that situation.” Emmy glared at me.

“McKenzie, you are the reason she had to be in that situation. If you hadn’t have gotten yourself so much trouble with the drugs then she wouldn’t have had to pretend to be you for the last seven months. It’s your fault you know. Maybe if you stop being so damn selfish you’ll realize that there are other people in this world that do have feelings. And that the world does not revolve around you.” With that Emmy stormed up the stairs to go check on my sister. She made sure that she checked on Lola every couple of hours to make sure that she was still breathing and to see if she needed anything.

I say just let her wallow in her own self misery and it was her own doing. I did something and fixed my drug problem, now Lola needs to fix this problem that she’s caused. It was time for her to step up and take responsibility for the situation that she has put herself in. None of us were going to fix this, there was no need to do so. We had not fallen in love with a man that we knew we couldn’t have. We had not been the ones to let all of this get out of hand.

I stood up from the couch and slowly made my way up the stairs toward my bedroom. I could hear Emmy consoling Lola; I rolled my eyes. I hadn’t talked to Lola since she came home and told me what had happened. I didn’t see the point, she was just going to cry and say that it wasn’t her fault. She was going to say that it was my fault. And to be honest, it partly was but she had more fault in this than I did. She had to realize this. I walked into my room and slammed the door shut. As I walked toward my guitar I picked up my lyrics journal and a pen. Writing music was my way of escaping this disaster.