=Chapter Fifteen=Unspoken Regrets=

“Are you sure about this dress, Ellie?” I asked as I looked at myself in the mirror.  It made me look like a old lady.  The style and cut of the dress was terrible.  I heard Ellie laugh from behind me.  I turned around and she was practically rolling on the floor laughing. “Ellie May, you are so mean.” I stormed off into the dressing room and changed into another dress that I had picked out.

As I slipped it on my heart began to race.  I began to think of what was so special about tomorrow evening.  It wasn’t any anniversary of any kind.  At least as far as I knew.  I looked at myself in the mirror once I had the dress on and couldn’t help but smile.

It was funny how comfortable I had become in my own skin.  I used to be very insecure about my body and myself but the past few months that had all changed.  Before all of this I wouldn’t have been caught dead in a dress like this.  The front of the dress was low cut and there was no back to the dress.  It reached a few inches about my knees.  The dress was a dark blue green.  I opened up the door to the dressing room and stepped out.

“Oh my god, Lola, that looks fantastic on you.  Are you sure about that dress?  I mean…since when did you wear stuff like that?” Ellie asked as she walked over toward me. “Spin for me.” I slowly spun around with a big smile on my face. “You look beautiful.  That dress is perfect for you.”

“I know, I love it.  I think this is the one,” I said as I walked over toward the other set of mirrors.  I stared at myself in the mirror.  I didn’t looked like myself.  At least not who I used to be.  But then again I was pretending to be Kenzie so I couldn’t look like myself.  That would give it away.

“Are you sure about it?  I mean look at the cut.  You hate dresses like that,” Ellie said softly.  I turned around and looked at her.

“That’s the funny thing, Ellie.  I feel comfortable in this dress.  I don’t know.  I guess things have changed the last few months.  I guess this having to pretend to be Kenzie has helped my self esteem.  I’m so much more confident now.”

“Well you sure as hell look more confident.  But are you sure about it?” Ellie asked.  I put my hands on my hips and laughed at Ellie.

“Ellie May, are you trying to talk me out of getting this dress?” I asked with a big smile on my face.  Ellie’s mouth fell open and she frantically shook her head. “Yeah, sure.  You just want me to put it back on the rack so you can have it.

“I would never do such a thing.” Ellie smiled.  I nodded.

“Uh huh sure, just like you said that you would never cut my hair that one time when we were playing salon.  Then you took a big chunk of my hair out.”

“Hey, that’s not fair.  We were like seven.” I laughed and walked back toward the changing room.

=

I looked at the clock when I heard the doorbell ring.  Then I looked over at Ellie who was sitting on my bed watching me get ready.

“What is he doing here so soon?  I’m not ready yet.  Go distract him for a while.  I’ll be down in a few,” I said as I pulled Ellie off of my bed and pushed her toward the door.

“What am I supposed to talk to him about?  I’m afraid I’ll spill the beans.” Ellie turned around and stood in the doorway.  I smiled.

“You’ll be fine.  I’ll be down in like five minutes, you can handle talking to him for five minutes can’t you?” Ellie nodded and left the room.  A few moments later I heard her answer the door.  She explained to Justin that I was just finishing getting ready.  I went over toward the mirror in my room and fidgeted with my dress and hair.  I checked my make up and slipped on my shoes.  Made one final check to make sure everything was in place then started down the stairs.

“You should have seen Kenzie when we were kids…she was always a klutz.  There was this one time when…” Ellie began to explain a story of how I’d wrecked her birthday cake when I’d carried it in from the kitchen.  I’d tripped over my own feet and the cake went flying.  She’d hated me for like two days.

“Ellie May, are you telling horror stories about me?” I asked as I continued down the stairs.  Justin and Ellie turned and looked at me.  I smiled when I saw Justin’s mouth fall slightly open.

“No, not horror stories.  Just true stories, McKenzie,” Ellie said with a small shrug.  I shook my head and rolled my eyes.  I reached the bottom step and looked over at Justin.

“Wow, you look fantastic,” Justin said as he leaned over and kissed me.  My cheeks started to feel warm as I looked down at the ground. “You ready to go?” I looked back up and nodded.  Justin grabbed my hand and looked at Ellie. “You’ll have to tell me some more stories about Kenzie later.”

“I’d love to.  Have fun guys.” Ellie walked with us to the door and stood in the doorway as we started toward Justin’s car. “Hey, Kenzie, don’t forget to use protection,” Ellie yelled.  My mouth fell open and I glared at Ellie over my shoulder.  Justin just laughed.

=

“What are we doing back at your house?  I thought we were going out,” I asked as we pulled into Justin’s driveway.

“You’ll see.  Come on,” Justin said as he parked the car and began to climb out.  I sat there trying to figure out what was going on.  Justin reached my side of the car and opened up my door.  He held out his hand for me.  I smiled and placed my hand in his.  He helped me out of the car and guided me up the steps to his front door. “Okay, now you need to close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes?  What is going on here?” I asked as I gave him a confused look.  What in the world had he planned?  He wanted me to close my eyes.  Why would he want me to close my eyes?  If I close them I won’t know where I’m going. “If I close my eyes I won’t be able to see.”

“I’ll guide you into the house.  Just come on, close your eyes, please,” Justin said sweetly.  I gave him one last confused look then closed my eyes.  I hated not knowing where I was going as I heard Justin open the front door.  He grabbed a hold of my hands and slowly began to lead me into the house.

“Can I open them yet?  I hate not being able to see,” I protested.

“Not yet, we’re almost there.” We walked a few more steps then stopped. “Okay, you can open them now.” I slowly opened my eyes and my mouth fell slightly open.  A small candle lit dinner was set up.  I couldn’t help but smile.

It was so beautiful and corny at the same time.  I had always thought that something like this would be fantastic but never thought I’d have someone that would do something like this for me.  Now that it had happened I couldn’t help but feel like I wanted to bust up laughing.

“What do you think?” Justin whispered in my ear.  He left a few kisses on my neck before placing his arms around my waist.

“It’s beautiful but what is all of this for?” I asked as I turned toward him.  He smiled and kissed me lightly on the lips.

“Can’t I just have a peaceful dinner with my girlfriend?” He asked.  I smiled and nodded.  Justin reached up and rested his hand on the side of my face.  He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead then on the lips.  The kiss lasted a few long moments. “I love you.”

My head began to spin.  Did he just say what I thought he just said?  Did he say that he loved me?  Oh shit, this is not good.  This was not supposed to happen.  Not now.  Not ever.  I was supposed to end this before it got this far.

I began to feel lightheaded and reached out for something to hold onto.  Justin was the closest thing and I held onto him tight.

“Whoa, Kenzie, are you all right?” Justin asked as he guided me over to one of the dining room chairs.  I slowly sat down and stared at the ground.  I had to get my focus back.  I had to stop breathing so fast.  I had to calm down. “Baby, Kenzie, are you all right?” Justin knelt down in front of me and lifted my head toward his.  My eyes met his and I nearly broke down in tears.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I don’t know what came over me.  All of a sudden I got dizzy but I’m all right now,” I answered hoping that he would believe me even though I was far from being all right.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Justin asked with a concerned look on his face.  I took a deep breathe and nodded. “Okay, good.  I’d hate for something to happen to you.  I don’t know what I’d do without you.  I love you.”

I sat there staring at Justin for a moment.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  I mean in a normal situation I’d say that I loved him too but this wasn’t a normal situation.  In a normal situation I wouldn’t be harboring such a big secret.  I wouldn’t feel like shit right now.  I wouldn’t feel like I was betraying Justin.  Against my better judgment I heard myself say the three words that I never thought I’d say to Justin.

“I love you, too,” I whispered as a smile crept its way across my face.  Justin leaned in and kissed me hard.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and he placed his on the small of my back.  He pulled me closer to him.

=

Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?  I’ve just fucked everything up.  There is no way I’ll be able to get out of this whole thing without hurting someone.  I knew it wouldn’t be right of me to break it off now.  Especially since he’d confessed his love for me and the fact that I’d done the same.

“That was fantastic,” Justin whispered in my ear then began kissing me on the neck.  I continued to stare up at the ceiling.  My head was a complete mess.  I was a complete mess.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to crawl into the corner and hide, all at the same time. 

I wanted to confess everything to Justin but I knew I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him like that.  But I also knew that the longer I held all of this in the more it was going to hurt both of us.  Knowing that, I still couldn’t bring myself to tell the person that I loved that I was a complete fraud.  That I wasn’t who he thought I was.  I was just some med student that wanted nothing to do with the limelight.  I was just some girl that was scared out of her mind.  For myself and for him.

Before I knew it the tears started to come.  I couldn’t keep them contained anymore.  I tried to fight them back but they wouldn’t comply.  I didn’t want Justin asking what was wrong.  I didn’t want to have to answer him because I knew that I would spill everything to him.  I knew that if I opened up my mouth that I wouldn’t be able to stop talking.

Justin stopped kissing me when he realized that I was crying.  I wrapped my arms around his waist and began to cry on his chest.  He didn’t ask me if I was all right.  He just let me cry and rubbed my bare back as I continued to cry.

I did not deserve someone like this.  I didn’t deserve anyone.  Justin deserved much better than me.  Justin deserved someone that would tell him what was going on.  He deserved someone that would treat him better than this.  He deserved someone other than me.

=

“I’ll see you later.  I love you,” Justin said as he kissed me goodbye.  I forced myself to smile and kissed him back.

“I love you too,” I said almost scared to say the words.  I was afraid that I was never going to get out of this situation.  I was afraid that I was going to be Kenzie for the rest of my life.  I knew there was no way I could go back to being the real me.  Because that Lola did not exist anymore.  She was lost and would likely never be found again.  She was more or less dead.

“What’s wrong?” Justin asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist.  I stared up at him.  Did I dare tell him the truth?  Did I dare tell him everything?

“Nothing.  I’m just tired.  You know how I get when I drink wine.  I’m loopy as hell.  Plus I have a little bit of a headache today.  Nothing to worry about.  I’ll be fine,” I explained hoping that he’d believe me.  Actually not all of it was a lie.  I did have a headache but that was from being scared out of my mind.

“All right, if you say so.  I’ll call you later today to check up on you.” I nodded as Justin leaned down and kissed me one last time before he released me from his grasp. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I answered and turned toward my apartment.  I started walking toward the door in my bare feet.  I carried my shoes in my hand and my purse in the other.  Before I even got to the door it opened and I saw Ellie standing in the doorway.

“So, what happened?  He didn’t walk you to the door?  How ungentlemanly,” Ellie said as she laughed a little.  I just looked at her as I walked into the house.  I threw my shoes and purse at the stairs and fell onto the couch. “What happened?  Did everything go all right?” I didn’t answer her.  I laid my arms over my face and closed my eyes. “Are you okay, Lola?  Did something happen?” Ellie closed the door and sat down on the edge of the couch.  I moved my arms from my face and looked at her.

“I love him,” was all I said.  She sat there staring at me for a moment.  I wanted to scream.  I threw my hands over my face. “Can you believe that, Ellie?  Can you believe it?  I love him.”

“Do you love him, love him?  Or is it just an infatuation kind of thing?” Ellie asked after a few long moments of silence.

“I love him, love him.”

“As in you want to marry him.  As in his and her towels?” Ellie asked as she smiled a bit.  I rolled my eyes and looked at her.

“You stole that from a movie.  But yes, at least I think so.  Ellie, I don’t know.  This is all just so complicated.  I have to end this now.  I can’t take anymore of this.  I can’t take lying to him like this anymore.  I can’t keep lying to the world,” I said as I sat up and stared at Ellie, “Hell, I’m lying to myself.  I hardly know myself anymore.  I have no idea who this person is.  The real me wouldn’t do something like this.  The real me wouldn’t be such a lying bitch.  The real me would rather be studying.  The real me would be stressing over her term paper that is coming up.  The real me wouldn’t be in this situation.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.”