One year later

"Are you headed out for lunch?"

Caroline glanced over her shoulder at her coworker, Sophie.  "Yeah, after I drop off these contracts with Marcy.  Did you want to come?"

Sophie glanced at her watch and sighed heavily.  "Can't.  I've got a deadline riding my ass something fierce."  She closed the lid to the copy machine with a shrug.  "See ya, Caroline."

Caroline waved and continued on her way to the elevator.  All around her, people swarmed throughout the busy offices, phones ringing, copiers running.  She passed through all of it easily and paused at a glass door in the center of it all.  Marcy, her boss, was on the phone inside, but she motioned her in, anyway.

Caroline sat across from the modern looking desk and crossed her legs, waiting.  Marcy finished up her phone conversation and hung up, giving Caroline her complete attention. 

"Please tell me it's good news," she said, looking exhausted.  "I've had the worst day already and it's barely noon."

Caroline smiled and slid the file folder she held across the table.  "Bennett just faxed these over from New York.  He's adjusted the terms quite a bit."

Marcy flipped open the folder and scanned the first page, a smile spreading across her usually-frowning face.  "Perfect.  This is great work, Caroline.  Good job talking him down."

Caroline lowered her head slightly at the praise.  "Even with these figures, our budget should even out really nicely in September."

"Corporate will definitely be pleased to hear it," Marcy said.  "Thanks for bringing this by."

"No problem."  Caroline stood and headed for the door.  "I've got a meeting with accounts receivable after lunch, did you have any notes for me?"

Marcy waved her away.  "No.  I know you can handle it.  Enjoy your break from the madness."

Caroline weaved her way back through the office that never seemed to calm down, heading for the elevator.  Even though it was lunch time, she was the only one inside - she'd learned quickly that most people with publishing deadlines tended to wolf down whatever they could get at their desks.  Thankfully, the nature of her job allowed her a full hour to get out of the busy building and take a breather.

The office was just a couple blocks away from a few cafes and coffee shops, so Caroline fell into step with the rest of the crowd on the sidewalk, taking her phone out of her bag when it vibrated inside.

She was busy rolling her eyes at a text message from Seth complaining about her cat when she ran into someone head on.  Not expecting the impact, she stumbled backwards and nearly lost her footing in her stilettos.  Someone, presumably whoever she had run into, grabbed her forearm before she could fall all the way to the ground.  Her phone, however, clattered to the sidewalk.

"You okay?"  Caroline nodded as she bent down to pick up her phone before someone stepped on it. 

"I'm fine.  Sorry, I was..."  Her words trailed off as she met a pair of familiar brown eyes.  "Oh."

"Hey, Caroline."  Brandon looked just as surprised to see her as she did him.  "Wow.  Long time no see."

"Yeah."  Caroline's voice came out embarrassingly high-pitched, and she cleared her throat.  "Um.  How are you?"

Brandon put his hands in his pockets and shrugged.  "Pretty good, actually.  You?"  He looked different, but the same...his hair was shorter and he looked a little bit more tan, like he'd been surfing or something.  But he was still wearing Chucks and his black Dickies and a threadbare gray t-shirt, like nothing at all had changed.  Even though everything had.

"I'm good, yeah."  Caroline adjusted the strap of her bag over her shoulder and moved aside as a passerby bumped her rudely.  "I guess we're in the middle of the sidewalk."

"I guess so."  Brandon smiled, and it wasn't forced, but warm.  "So I'm fully expecting you to say no, but...do you want to get some coffee?  Catch up?"

He glanced her over, eyes lingering on her expensive leather bag and tailored pencil skirt.  "Unless you're...you know, busy."

"No.  No, not busy."  Caroline shook her head and cleared her throat again, trying to force herself to get complete, articulate sentences out.  "I was actually just heading to lunch, so I have time."

"Great."  Brandon motioned in the direction she had originally been heading, and together, they walked to the Starbucks on the corner. 

"Is this okay?" Caroline asked, gesturing at the green and white logo on the glass window.  "I know you hate places like this, but the nearest actual coffee shop is a good two blocks from here."

"This is fine," Brandon said with a smile. 

He held the door for her on the way in, and paid for her coffee, even when she tried to protest.  Caroline figured she'd have to pick up some food on her way back in - there was no way she was comfortable enough to sit and eat in front of her ex-boyfriend.  She stirred sugar and cream into her cup and thought about the phrase - she hadn't really ever thought of Brandon as her "ex"...hell, she hadn't really thought of Brandon at all in what seemed like forever. 

He glanced suspiciously at her pale-colored coffee when she at the table across from him.  "Does Starbucks stock soymilk now?"

"Actually."  Caroline took a sip and shrugged.  "It's cream."

Brandon's eyebrows seemed to shoot all the way up into his hairline.  "You're kidding."

Caroline had to chuckle at his reaction.  "Nope.  I've started...reintroducing some things here and there."

He shook his head.  "Shit.  If I had known, I would have taken you for a cheeseburger."

"Well, I haven't quite gotten around to much red meat, yet," she admitted.  "Mostly just dairy products and chicken for now.  Seth took me for sushi a couple weeks ago, it was...interesting."

Brandon laughed and sipped his latte.  "I have to say, I'm shocked.  But good for you."

Caroline just shrugged.  "It's a change, but...life's different now."

The statement could have made the air around them uncomfortable, but Brandon didn't let it.  "It sure is.  So...where are you working these days?"  He motioned at her clothes.  "You look...great.  And you cut your hair.  I don't think I've ever seen it that short."

Caroline reached up to finger her chin-length bob self-consciously, ignoring his subtle reference to the time they'd spent together previously.  "Yeah.  It's certainly easier to take care of."  She took a sip of her coffee before answering his question.  "I'm an assistant financial controller for a publishing house.  We're a small division of HarperCollins."

Brandon nodded slowly, looking impressed.  "Wow.  Sounds fancy."

"It's not, really," Caroline assured him.  "Just a title.  I'm mostly a supervisor, I oversee payroll and accounts payable and receivable.  I like it, though.  It's a different environment than I pictured myself in, but I think it's a good fit."

Brandon smiled.  "That's awesome."  He asked a few more perfunctory questions about her job and what else she was up to.  She told him about moving out of their old apartment (more like sneaking out before the lease was up) and getting a small house in Rampart Village with Seth.  He asked about Moo, and even her parents.

"So what about you?"  Caroline asked finally, feeling like she'd taken up nearly a half-hour talking about herself.  "Where are you living these days?"

"Now, I'm in east LA, with Dave.  But I was with my dad for awhile," Brandon replied.  "Longer than I thought I would be."

Caroline knew firsthand that Brandon's relationship with his father had been strained ever since he'd quit law school.  She'd only met the man once in their four year relationship, and it hadn't exactly been a barrel of laughs.  "How did that go?"

"Eh."  He shrugged.  "It is what it is.  We're actually better now than we have been in awhile.  Honestly, I mostly spent all my time slumming around on the beach.  I did a lot of surfing, and painting, and wrote a shit ton of songs."

That made sense.  Brandon had always been the type of person to channel his emotions into art.

"A lot about you," he acknowledged, looking only slightly sheepish.  "So, you know...no hard feelings."

She laughed.  "None at all.  Are they pretty mean?"

"The worst of it will never see the light of day," Brandon said.  "But there's some sad stuff.  The guys made me cut a lot of it, too depressing."  He held his hands out like a peace offering.  "I just...don't want your feelings to get hurt, if you ever hear any of it.  Breakups are some of the best fodder for songwriting, anyway."

"So you should really be thanking me?" Caroline pointed out, and Brandon laughed good-naturedly.  "So things with the band are going well, then?"

Brandon nodded, pushing his coffee cup aside as he folded his arms over the table.  "Actually, yeah.  Things are really good.  We haven't been playing live too much lately because we've been in the studio so much."

Caroline frowned.  "You're recording?"

Brandon half-smiled, looking perplexed.  "Yeah.  We got signed, Caroline."

Now it was her turn to raise her eyebrows.  "No way!  That's awesome!"

"Yeah."  Brandon laughed and looked at her strangely.  "You didn't hear?"

Caroline shook her head.  "No."  There really was no one she could have heard from...she hadn't really had any contact with any of their mutual friends since they'd broken up.  "That's really exciting.  What label?"

"Just a small indie label down in San Diego," Brandon replied.  "But honestly, it was all JC's doing."

Caroline's spine prickled oddly and her insides rolled uncomfortably.  "What?"

"Yeah."  Brandon shook his head like he still couldn't believe it.  "I thought it was so crazy when he showed up at one of our gigs last winter...I can't believe he didn't tell you."

Caroline raised her coffee cup to her lips but lowered it just as quickly.  She felt like anything she put in her stomach would come right back up.  "I, um...I haven't talked to him in a while," she said, folding her hands in her lap so Brandon wouldn't see them shaking.  He stared at her blankly.

"What do you mean?  You guys aren't together?"

"We were never together," Caroline said slowly, and the words hurt out loud just as much as they hurt inside.  Brandon just kept staring at her.

"You're kidding me."

Caroline shook her head.

"Jeez."  Brandon leaned back in his seat.  "This whole time I thought..."

"What?" Caroline asked, her voice nearly cracking.

"I guess I thought that he did it because he felt guilty," Brandon said.  "About...everything."

He motioned between the two of them and Caroline was glad he didn't elaborate.  "He did...what?"

"Well, he showed up at one of our shows last year," Brandon explained.  "At some bar down in West Hollywood.  I saw him from far away and thought maybe it was some weird coincidence, but he tracked me down.  He had this dude with him, an A&R rep from Universal.  He introduced the guy to me and that was pretty much it...but he's really the whole reason we got signed."  Brandon shrugged.  "I really thought it was because of you.  Either you talked him into it, or he did it to make up for everything that happened."

Caroline stared blankly at the tabletop, unable to meet Brandon's eyes.  She had no doubts that JC had done it because he felt guilty.  She swallowed thickly.

"So..." Brandon held his hand open across the table towards.  "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" Caroline asked quietly.

"Well..." He laughed humorlessly.  "Caroline, come on."

Now feeling uncomfortable, Caroline glanced up at him.  "What do you want me to say?  Okay, you were jealous of him.  That's reason you left.  I get that, but I guess you didn't read things right after all."

She knew her words were harsh, but Brandon didn't flinch.  "Caroline, I didn't leave because I was jealous of him."  He shifted in his seat.  "I mean, I was, but that was just a side effect of the heart of the matter."

"The heart of the matter?" Caroline echoed, confused.

"Yeah."  Brandon shrugged.  "You were in love with him.  I left because I could see that.  Somewhere along the line, we fell out of love and you...you found him."

His announcement made Caroline feel wary, like someone had cut open her brain and was peering at her innermost thoughts.  She didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything.

"So," he said again.  "What happened?"

Caroline didn't necessarily want to tell him, she knew she didn't need to, but somehow she found herself sharing the barest details of what she'd come to know as one of the biggest mistakes of her life.  It wasn't something she talked about or thought about, ever, but it was what it was.  She'd made her choices. 

"You just...left?" Brandon asked when she'd finished.  "You didn't even try?"

Caroline grimaced.  "I was protecting myself, okay?  I didn't want to end up like...all of his groupies or the other girls before me.  For all I know, I did him a favor."

Brandon just stared at her, a half-smile on his face.  "But that's the thing, Care, you don't know.  You never will know, because you never took that chance.  And you can't tell me that he never felt a thing for you.  Because if he hadn't, he never would have shown up at our gig like that, and you know it."

She shook her head, as if trying to keep his words from entering her mind.  "That could have been anything.  Maybe he just liked your music."

"Maybe," Brandon allowed, but she could see in his expression that he wasn't about to fold.  "Hey, it's none of my business, truly, but...I can see that you're still hurt, and it's been...what, a year?"  He smiled sadly.  "How long did it take you to get over our breakup?  A couple months?"

Caroline didn't respond but she knew he was right.

"Look, Caroline."  He leaned across the table towards her again, like he was about to tell her a secret.  "I loved you, so much.  I still do.  And leaving wasn't easy, it wasn't the choice I wanted to make.  I was fucked up over it for awhile.  But when it came down to it, I just kept remembering what you said to me on our first date, when we were up on that building."  He cocked his head at her.  "When I told you about my internship.  Do you remember?"

She nodded slowly.  "Yeah."

"You said that nobody can live a life that they're not meant to lead," Brandon recited.  "That it would drive you crazy, make you miserable.  I think that applied to our relationship, and I think that applies to you, now."

Brandon leaned back and glanced at his watch.  "Just...something to think about.  I gotta get going, but... let me say one more thing, and promise you won't punch me in the face."

Caroline rolled her eyes but nodded for him to go ahead.

"The Caroline I knew, the Caroline I loved, never would have just given up on her dreams," he said, his face somber and sincere.  "I watched you fight through school, through finding a job, and you never once got frustrated and walked away.  You've never been a quitter.  Our relationship ended because it was time, I get that, and I'm okay with it now.  But you know as well as I do that your feelings for JC played a part.  So why would you just let that go?"

It was a rhetorical question, and that was a good thing because Caroline didn't have an answer for him.  She watched numbly as Brandon got up and tossed his paper cup in the trash.  He put his hand on her shoulder.  "You okay?"

Caroline wasn't sure, but she nodded anyway.

"I'll see you around," he said, giving her a friendly smile and a wink, and Caroline thought that maybe this time he meant it.  She sat still, watching him disappear out the door and down the street.

After what felt like forever, Caroline finally stood and walked back to her building.  She smiled and said hello to people who greeted her, but she didn't stop to chat longer than necessary.  When she was back in her office, the door closed behind her, Caroline sat at her desk and picked up the phone.

Seth answered after three rings.  "Hello?"

"It's me."

"What's up?"

Caroline took a deep breath and picked at the corner of the ledger on her desk.  "Do you think I should try to contact JC?"

Seth hesitated for only a moment.  "Well.  Yeah.  I've always thought that."

She blinked.  "What?"

"Care, you love the guy.  It's pretty obvious," Seth pointed out.  "Is that really what you called about?  Where did this come from?"

Caroline ignored his question.  "You...you know I..." She couldn't quit bring herself to say love out loud yet.  "You know how I feel...about him?"

Seth sighed heavily.  "Okay, first off, it's been like a year and you haven't even tried to date anyone.  Plus, you avoid pop radio like the plague.  Remember that one time I tried to turn on MTV?  You almost had a conniption."

Caroline lowered her head until the side of her face rested against the cool surface of the desk. 

"Oh, God.  You're right."

"Are you just realizing this or something?" Seth asked.  "Shit, I knew you were suppressing it, but I didn't know how much."

"How come no one said anything?  I thought...I thought..." 

"Thought you had everyone fooled?"  Seth chuckled.  "That's a good one.  You may be good with numbers, but you've never been much of an actress."

"Does...everyone know?" Caroline whispered, suddenly feeling like the entire office could hear her conversation.

"Well, Mom does.  Cameron and Megan, definitely.  I don't know about Dad, but you know how he is.  He might just not be letting on."

Caroline sat up again, resting her chin in her hand.  "So what should I do?"

"Jesus, Caroline, you're not an idiot," Seth exclaimed.  "I figured you just needed time...a ridiculous amount of it, but time all the same.  Call the guy, for fuck's sake."

She tucked her office phone between her head and shoulder and fumbled in her bag for her cell phone.  She had it almost all the way out before realizing that she didn't have JC's number.  She'd thrown out the Blackberry he'd bought for her a long time ago.  "I don't know how."

"Hmm, that is a dilemma," Seth said sarcastically.  "Maybe you could use that little thing we call...the Internet?"

Caroline hung up on him and booted up her computer.  Like a dummy, she Google searched "JC Chasez", as if that would magically turn up a phone number.  Instead, she stared blankly at a screen full of search results, topped with a Wikipedia page and a line of pictures.  Even in thumbnails, she could tell that the majority of them were older shots.  She even recognized the outfits he was wearing in a couple of them, and wondered if it was embarrassing that she could pin down the exact events he'd been photographed at. 

"This is stupid," she muttered, scrolling further down in the search results.  

About four or five entries down, something caught her eye.  It was the name that had been on her paychecks, the name of the talent agency that Kevin worked for.  Feeling simultaneously anxious and excited, Caroline clicked onto the website and searched for a phone number. 

Fifteen minutes later, she'd talked to just about everyone in the company until she finally got on with Kevin's secretary.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Connell is in a meeting," she said, which Caroline knew was code for if he's not expecting your call, I'm not transferring you.  "Can I take a message?"

"Will you please inform him that it's Caroline Reed from HarperCollins?" she asked.  If there was anything she'd learned working for such a large company, it was how to field a business call.  "Something urgent has come up, and I greatly require his opinion on the matter."

Whether it was the company name drop or the word "urgent", Caroline wasn't sure, but the secretary sighed and said, "Just a moment."

A few minutes later, Kevin picked up.  "This is Kevin Connell."

"Kevin, it's Caroline Reed," she explained.  "I worked for-"

"Caroline, how are you?"  Kevin interrupted.  "Great to hear from you after all this time."

Caroline relaxed slightly, feeling as if she'd jumped a rather tall hurdle and trying not to think of all others she had left ahead.  "Yes, you too."

"How've you been?  How are you liking HarperCollins?"

Kevin, of course, had been the one to use his contacts to get her an entry-level position at the publishing company.  That position had led, slowly but surely, to the one she held now.  "I love it, Kevin, and you know I'll be forever grateful for your help getting my foot in the door."

"It's nothing," Kevin insisted.  "Now, what can I help you with?"

"Well."  Caroline splayed her hand out on the desktop and stared at it as it trembled slightly.  "I actually have a bit of a strange request for you."

"Oh?"

"I was wondering if there was any way you could help me get in touch with JC," Caroline asked, knowing that her words were coming out too fast but unable to stop talking.  "I know it's been forever, but I don't have his number or any way of getting a hold of him anymore, I don't even know his personal email address.  I guess I remember where his house is, but I don't know the gate code any more, and I know how private he is so..." She trailed off, realizing that Kevin had remained silent the whole time.  "And I know that you're probably unable to help me at all contractually, but if there was anything...if there was something..."

She forced herself to stop talking and waited.  Finally, Kevin cleared his throat.

"Well, you're right that I can't technically give you any useful information," Kevin conceded.  "I can tell you where to address fan letters to, but I don't think that's what you want."

"No," Caroline replied, feeling as though she'd tumbled head over heels all the way back to the bottom of the mountain, right where she'd started.  "I'm sorry to have bothered you, Kevin."

"No bother," Kevin replied.  "But I can tell you a few things.  For one, he sold the LA house.  He's been living primarily in Winter Park for the past nine months."

Caroline nodded slowly, taking it in.  "Oh.  I see."

"To be totally candid with you, while I do still manage JC's business dealings, I really don't see much of him anymore.  He's been lying low for a little while now, since MTV put America's Best Dance Crew on the backburner."

Caroline hadn't known about that - Seth wasn't lying about her affliction for anything MTV-related, more so now than ever.

"He's still writing and producing, of course, and he comes out to LA occasionally to work with an artist or two, but he's in Florida pretty much full time these days," Kevin finished.  "Sorry I can't be of more help."

"That's fine," Caroline insisted, staring blankly at her computer screen and trying to tell herself that this was just a sign, just the universe's way of telling her it wasn't meant to be.  "Um, thanks anyway, Kevin.  Good to talk to you."

"Sure, but Caroline?  Just one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Your company email," Kevin said, "is it listed on the HarperCollins website?"

"It is," Caroline replied with a frown. 

"Great.  Keep in touch, Caroline."  With that Kevin said goodbye, and hung up.  Caroline set her handset back in the cradle, feeling both confused and downtrodden.  She allowed herself just a few minutes of moping before getting back to work.  Her meeting with accounts receivable was in twenty minutes and she was barely prepared.

She was organizing her notes when a "ding" from her computer announced the arrival of new mail.  She opened up her inbox, seeing a subject-free message from an unknown Gmail account.

The contents were a Winter Park, Florida address, a phone number, and a sign-off in the form of a winking face.  Caroline was still smiling at the computer screen when her phone rang.

"Caroline Reed," she answered absentmindedly, still staring at the address.

"Caroline, accounts receivable is ready for you in the conference room," her secretary announced. 

"Great, thanks.  I'll be there in five."

Glancing at the screen one more time, Caroline turned the monitor off and pushed aside a few things to look again at her desk ledger, using her finger to trace over the days of the week.  She nodded to herself slowly.