It was tradition.  Since I could remember, our families had come together every year to celebrate the Christmas holiday.  This year, it was my family’s turn to host the festivities.  My parents just bought a brand new house in Aspen, Colorado and decided that Christmas was the perfect time to unveil the new house. 

I always loved these get togethers.  I loved spending time with my family and his.  I didn’t have one memory that didn’t involve the two of us.  As a little girl I loved to play with him and pretend he was my older brother.  But at sixteen, I fell in love with him.  Well, I fell in love with the idea of being in love with him.  I imagined flowers, lavish dates, perfect kisses and a happily ever after.  I wish I could go back and be that naïve about him again.

It was 2006 and I was 25. No longer was I just in love with the idea of being love with him; I was truly in love with him.  The best part? He loved me back.  It was our first Christmas together as a couple.  We were in the perfectly decorated house we shared.  It was so amazing.  We were hosting Christmas at our house-something I had always dreamt about.  We shared words and promises of a lifetime of Christmas together. 

Now, at 29, I’m sitting in my apartment alone and dreading going home for Christmas and New Years.  Winnie, my puppy, wandered over to me with her head down.

“I know Winnie.  I miss him too.” I said cuddling her against my chest.  Winnie was my Christmas present from him nearly four years ago.  I petted her black fur and made mental promises to myself that everything was going to be just fine.

Christmas was supposed to be my favorite holiday.  I love the decorating, the happiness you can’t help but feel and the spirit of giving.  This year though, I just didn’t have that happiness.  I had drug out the containers containing all of my Christmas stuff, but they had sat there, stacked in the living room, for days.  I needed the motivation to  decorate.  I needed the Christmas cheer.

I opened up my iTunes and clicked on my Christmas playlist.  I made sure to not add any his band’s music to it in fear that the sound of his voice would ruin this even more for me.  Dave Barnes filled my speakers as I headed to the kitchen to make hot chocolate.  I followed the same recipe that I’ve been following since I was six years old.  That’s when my mom taught me about the special recipe handed down my great grandmother.

I sipped on my hot chocolate as I assembled the bigger tree and messed with the lighting of it. I also set out the smaller trees that went throughout my apartment.  After finishing with the placement of the trees I was starting to feel the holiday spirit.  I was even able to put a half smile on my face.

I pulled out the red and green container labeled ‘ornaments’ and lifted the lid.  I chuckled at how crazy organized the ornaments were.  One by one, I hung the first layer of ornaments then lifted the cardboard separating the first layer and second layer.  I was met with the personalized ornaments that dated as far back as I could remember.  I scanned them looking for the ones with the pictures of he and I.  I found them meticulously wrapped in tissue paper.  I knew I didn’t need to pull them out.  Hell, I should probably just get rid of them.  I couldn’t help it though.  I needed to see his face.

I pulled out the one from 2009.  It was he and I wrapped in each other’s arms in front of the fireplace at his parents’ house.  The smiles on our faces were more proof of how in love we were.  I pulled out the one from the year before and the year before that.  I pulled the one from 2006 out.  It was this gaudy looking thing.  It was the ornament from our first Christmas together.  It even said it on the ornament.  It was in front of our first Christmas tree we had decorated together.  It was a picture of many firsts.  I sniffed as I held back the tears.  I set the ornaments off to the side, knowing that I wasn’t ready to put them back in the box.

Later that night, my apartment was glimmering with the glow of Christmas lights, my favorite type of lighting.  I pulled out my favorite bottle of red wine.  I lit the candles that I had put out earlier.  I could remember sitting in front of the tree and just basking in the glow of the lights with him.  I could remember his scent, I remember what he wore.  I could remember the wine we were sipping.  It was the perfect memory that I never wanted to let go of.  I pulled the tossed aside ornaments into my lap and let myself feel the sadness and the heartache.

Just as the tears really started coming, my phone rang.  Karen. She has impeccable timing.  I took a deep breath and wiped away the tears. “Hey Karen.” I said trying to smile.  I tried to put a smile on my face since people can tell when you’re not.  I didn’t feel like talking to her about the crap her son was making me feel, even to this day.

“Hi sweetheart, how are you?” She asked in her very happy voice.

“I’m good.  Just enjoying my freshly decorated apartment.”

“I know how much you love Christmas lights.  Even as a little one you loved them!”

“Crazy huh?” I deadpanned.

“Listen, I was hoping to talk to you for a few minutes.  Is now a good time?” She asked.

She’s asking me if it’s a good time?  This can’t be good.  “Yeah, now’s fine.  What’s going on?”

“Well, I needed to talk to you about Christmas at your folks place.”

“You guys are still coming, right? I know they wanted to show you the new house!” I questioned.

“Oh of course!  We can’t wait to see it!” Karen responded.  She paused.  “I don’t know how to tell you this.”

“Just tell me.  It can’t be that bad.” I managed.

“Okay.  I just wanted to give you fair warning that Joshua is bringing someone.” Karen said.

“Someone? Is Justin coming too this year or something?”

“No honey.  He’s bringing someone.” She emphasized the ‘someone’. 

I didn’t know what to say so I stayed silent.  I leaned back against my couch and put my arm over my face.

“If this makes it any better, I don’t know how serious it is if it’s serious at all.” Karen offered.

“Karen, you’re like a second mother to me.  You know just as well as the rest of us that read the article People magazine printed about how serious it is.  Please don’t try to cover for him.”

“You’re right.  I’m sorry.  It’s just unfortunate that it’s her.” She said almost disgusted.  Karen wasn’t too fond of the girl that took my place.

“Well, we can’t control who he brings.  You know everyone is welcome.  I really wish it was Justin or hell, he could surprise me with Mario Lopez or something.  I know he has that hook up.” I laughed.

“He could bless all of us women with Mario.” Karen chuckled.

“Karen?”

“Yes dear?”

“Thank you for calling me and telling me.  Having this head’s up will help soften the blow a little bit.”

“You’re welcome.  You will always be one of my daughter’s.”

“Thanks.  I’ll see you in a couple of weeks!” I smiled.

“You betcha!  Call if you need anything.”

“I will.  Bye.” I smiled as I pressed ‘end’ on my phone. 

I held my phone in my hand.  I had the sudden urge to call him and yell at him.  I knew it wouldn’t do me any good.  I was the one that ended it with him.  It was my fault that I was in the position I was in

I was flying in to surprise him.  It had been a couple of months since I had seen him since he was busy on his first tour in several years.  It was his way of celebrating his first solo number one album.

I had called Lonnie and arranged the whole thing with him.  He had added my name to the list and arranged for transportation.  I quickly sailed through the security checkpoint at the venue and was greeted by Lonnie.  He led me through what seemed like a maze of hallways and we stopped in front of JC’s door.  I took a deep breath and smiled.  Lonnie knocked on the door.  “Yo! Jace!”

“Yeah, c’mon in man!” JC called back out.  Lonnie winked at me and walked off.  I put my hand on the door knob and slowly turned it.

The door started to open and I was met with the laughter of a man and a woman.  “What’d you need man?” JC asked turning around.  His eyes met mine and he shoved the woman off of him.  “Scar?” He asked walking towards me.

“Don’t come near me.” I said.

“Scar, please, don’t do this.  This isn’t what it looks like.”

“That’s what they always say.  I know what I saw.” I spat.

“And what was that?”

“Are you serious?  Are you now going to tell me I need to my eyes checked?”

“We were just dancing.  Ashley redid a section and we were just practicing.” He offered.

“And that’s why you have red lipstick smudged on your neck?” I asked. His hands flew to his neck trying to rub off the smudge.

“Really, we were just practicing.” The girl said.

I peered around JC and looked her in the eye.  “I suggest you stay out of this.”  She opened her mouth to say something but then quickly shut it.  She walked right out of the room.  I slammed the door after her exit.

“Please don’t make a scene here.” JC said.

“Seriously?  I just flew here from LA to come surprise you because I missed you so much.  I took days off of work and set this whole thing up just to walk in on something right before it started and you’re telling me not to make a scene?” I asked.  I was furious.  I was trying to keep myself composed, but it wasn’t happening.

“I didn’t ask you to fly out here.”

“Of course you didn’t, you were too busy with whatever her name is.” I said.  I looked him in the eye.  I held his gaze, waiting for him to say something.  His mouth stayed shut.  I looked down to the ground and turned away from him.  “You promised me.” My voice was shaky.  “I heard your conversation about that stupid first rule of the road is no attachments, but you promised me that this time was different.  You said that you’re older now and you love me and that you didn’t want to lose me. That’s what you said to me!”

“I do love you and that’s why I stayed with you.  I promise, we were just rehearsing.”

“Physically yes, you were.  But you guys are practically undressing each other with your eyes.” I said facing him again.

“Fine, you want the truth?” He said.  He had raised his voice and was almost yelling at me.  “Do I find her attractive? Yes.  Am I horny as fuck? Yeah.  I haven’t seen you in weeks and I can’t help the way I look at her when we’re dancing because we’re practically fucking each other on stage.”

My face fell.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  “Have I touched her? No, I haven’t.  All I see is you and I only want to be with you.”

“But that’s obviously not enough for you.  You just admitted it.” I whispered.  “I was stupid to think that this was going to work.” I turned and took a couple steps toward the door. 

“Please don’t go.” He pleaded as my hand hit the door knob.

“Goodbye JC.” I said.  I quickly walked through the door and headed back through the hallways the way I came. I said a quick goodbye to Lonnie.  The car that had brought me there had not left yet.  Instead of it taking me to the hotel I had the driver take me back to the airport.

That was in March. It’s now the beginning of December.  He never called me.  He never emailed me.  We haven’t spoken since.  I went back to LA and moved my stuff out of our house and into the apartment I’m in now. It’s been nearly nine months since we’ve spoken and the girl he’s bringing home is the same girl I found him with.  Ugh.

 *

I was sitting in the log cabin themed dining room in my parent’s new house.  I was having a hard time grasping the concept of wanting a log cabin theme, but apparently it’s all the rage in Aspen.  My mom was discussing the time line with me and giving me my list of jobs to do.  Thankfully this year, we weren’t going to have to make a million trips to the airport.

“Scarlett, I’m going to need you to get the beds in the guest rooms made up.  You worked at the hotel long enough that I figured you could put some final touches in the rooms to make everyone feel comfortable.” My mom’s condescending tone is almost not caught, but I hear past the sweet voice.  I’ve had 29 years to perfect my skill.

“Mom, I was 21 and I didn’t do housekeeping.  I worked the front desk.” I reminded her.

 “Well, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.  I also need you to make sure everything is ready in your sisters’ room.  She’ll be here this evening and then Chasez’s fly in tomorrow and the next day.” My mom looked at me after that statement.

“What?” I asked innocently.

“It’s not going to be weird between you and Joshua when he gets here is it?” My mom asked.

Oh hell, the dreaded question.  “Mom, we’ll be just fine.  He and I are fine.”

“Even though he’s bringing his new girlfriend?” She countered.

Grin and bare it.  “Everything will be just fine.  I’m looking forward to meeting her formally.  From what People magazine says, they’re getting rather serious.” I smiled.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if we witnessed a proposal this Christmas!” My mom’s face lit up like she was talking about one of her own children.

“That’d be so great.” I plastered on a smile.  “I’m gonna go check on Sadie’s room then find dad.” I walked quickly out of the room and ran up the stairs.  I plopped down on my temporary bed and sighed.

Yes, I am over him. Or Not.  It’s just weird since neither one of us has EVER brought someone home for Christmas-well we brought each other in a sense.  Maybe this was it for him.  I mean, he does deserve it.  He’s 34.  But with this Malibu Barbie? I guess I can’t judge.  I met her for like 10 seconds last time. 

I took a couple more deep breaths and headed to Sadie’s room.  Yes, she still gets her own room at the house in case she decides to move home instead of live with her boyfriend that used to be her English Lit professor.  My parents set the room up just the way it was at the old house. 

The old house.  We moved into that house in 1993.  I was 12.  We had just moved from Maryland to Colorado.  My dad had gotten a job transfer and it landed us in Fort Collins.  The old house is where I have the memories of my first boyfriend, first dances, first kisses.  It’s where I glued Sadie’s hand to the wall when she was nine.  It’s where she spilled turquoise paint all over the brand new white carpet in her room.  It’s where she and I had our club house in the basement where we could sit and obsess over music, boys and anything else.  I loved coming home to that house. 

But now, home is in Aspen.  This year was all about change in my family.  I sighed at the thought as I straightened up Sadie’s room.  I made sure her pillow was fluffed and all her little knick knacks were lined up just perfect.  The other rooms could wait. 

I headed back downstairs and out to the garage to look for my dad.  He was supposed to be clearing the driveway but I hadn’t heard the snow blower yet. 

“You know Scarlett came home alone.  Now could be your chance.” My dad said to the other gentleman with a wink and slap on the back. 

“Dad, stop trying to pawn me off on Mike.” I laughed.

“I just worry about you. You’re 29 years old and still not married.  I married your mother when we were 19!”

“And that was when? When Jesus was born?” I teased.  We all laughed.

“What brings you out here?” He asked.

“Oh, I just need to get out of the house.” I smiled.

“Your mother must have gotten to you.  Maybe you should get out of here for a bit.”

“Yeah right dad, mom would kill me.  Why don’t you let me clear the driveway and you can go in and endure the wrath of mom?” I suggested.

“Thanks kid.  I appreciate it.” He smiled.  He walked past me and into the house.

“Sorry about my dad.” I smiled at Mike.

“It’s not a problem.  He’s just looking out for you.” Mike smiled.  I walked down the three stairs and into the garage to stand next to him.

“Sometimes I wish he’d stop.” I smiled.  I looked at Mike.  “You have no idea how many terrible dates I’ve been on.  I swear, I think there’s a Greek woman stuck inside of him.”

Mike’s laughter filled the garage.  “My mom is the same way.  She thinks that I’m doomed to live a life of solitude because I won’t marry Erin right at this moment.”

“I think I’m ready for my parents to stop intervening.” And stop telling everyone my business.

He nodded.  “I think your dad is just worried about you since you used to date the guy that’s coming and he’s bringing his girlfriend.”

“I’m worried about myself.” I said.  I slapped my hand over my mouth.  I didn’t want anyone to know that.

“So the truth comes out.” Mike said almost triumphantly. “Spill it.”

“Let’s walk or shovel or something.  I can’t just stand here and tell it.” I stated.  We both grabbed a shovel and took to the driveway.

“So what are you worried about?”

“I’m worried about how retarded I get when he’s around.”

“He ended it with you then?” Mike asked.

“I ended it with him.” I said launching a shovel full of snow at the innocent tree next to the driveway.

“Why?”

“It’s complicated. I’ve known him since I can remember.  We lived on the same street and we met when he and one of the other neighbor kids were playing baseball in the street.  So, I went and started playing ball with them.  From that day on we were inseparable.” I started.

“Okay, but that was what? 20-some years ago?” Mike asked.

“Ugh you put it that way and make me feel like a Dinosaur!”I laughed.

“Oh c’mon.  I’m 32; if you’re a dinosaur then I’m the dirt that they walked on.” He laughed.  He looked at me.  “Keep going.  I want to hear this.”

“Okay, well, he left to get all famous and stuff and then I moved away from Maryland.  We wrote letters all the time.  Talked on the phone like crazy.  Then when the internet was big we started IMing and yeah we visited as much as we could and we just had this bond that was like we were connected somehow, like we couldn’t stand to be apart.  Anyway, I graduated high school and moved out to LA for school.  I got to see JC a ton more.  I got to be friends with him and a couple of his band mates.”

“That sounds awesome.  I still can’t believe you’re one of those teenybopper girls.” Mike laughed.

“You just wish you had millions of girls screaming your name!”

“Oh, I’ve had my fair share!” He shot me a wink.  I threw some snow at him.

“Anyway! When he and his band mates went on hiatus we got back into the regular groove of seeing each other a lot.  Then JC cut an album and toured for a bit.  But then it went back to us just hanging out.  Justin was always around, but when he asked me on a date, without JC, just the two of us, JC was mad.  I couldn’t figure out why until it was brought to my attention on my date, by Justin.  Who by the way is a good guy but so not my type.”

“I never thought I’d hear a girl say that.  Would you put that in writing for me?”

I rolled my eyes, annoyed.  Everyone seems to think that Justin is like some sort of god for the women or something.  For me, they’re just my friends.  People I know and I could count on.“I got home from the date and JC and I talked and we decided we had feelings for each other.  From that point until a few months ago we were together.  Our families figured we’d get married and have a crap load of kids, but it didn’t happen quite like that.”

“What did happen?  Why did it end?”

“I went to surprise him while he was on this last tour at the beginning of the year and found him with another girl.  Well, they were dancing and laughing and touching and her lipstick was on his neck.” I explained. 

There was an awkward pause.

“So have you guys talked since?” Mike asked.

“He’s on good terms with my family, and I his, but we avoid each other at all costs.”

“You still love him?”

I pulled the beanie off my head and sighed in frustration.  I looked at Mike.  “Of course I do.”

“How does he feel?”

“Not sure.  I know he has this girl that he’s serious about.  The same girl I found him with.”

“You need to tell him how you feel.” Mike said.

“No, not gonna happen.” I answered.  I grabbed my shovel and headed back into the garage.  Avoidance.  It was exactly what I was good at.

Later that night my mom was finishing dinner when the doorbell rang.  My mom and dad eagerly dropped what they were doing to go fetch my sister.  I walked up behind them to greet her.  I barely got a hug in before my mom dragged her off to the kitchen. 

My mom and sister have always had this bond.  They’re like best friends and when the two of them are together no one else matters-unless they’re meddling in your business.  It’s for that reason alone that I’m thankful Karen rescues me every Christmas.

My dad made himself comfortable again on the couch and turned his attention back to the History channel.  I headed to the kitchen to at least pretend I was being included.

“So why didn’t you bring Alan?” My mom inquired.

“Oh he had to go to his folks and they’re not fond of the fact that he’s dating me.  They think it’s wrong that he’s 41 and I’m 23.” She explained like it was the end of the world.  I couldn’t agree more with his family.

“Well, his family just needs to be more open minded.  Love is not about age, it’s about feelings.  I think it’s great what you two have.” My mom beamed.  Please mom, gag me with a spoon.

“Thanks mom.” Sadie smiled.  She turned her attention to me.  “So how are things with you and JC?”

Bitch.  “Just dandy.”

“I hear he’s bringing his girlfriend.  Heather said they’re pretty serious.”

“That’s what I hear.” I fake smiled.  I grabbed an apple and decided that retreating to my room was in my best interest.

My mom called to me that dinner was ready but I was in no mood to eat.  I just wanted to close my eyes and forget what was happening tomorrow.  He would be showing up with her.  I was not pleased with the thought.

The next morning the aroma of coffee greeted my senses and I woke up on this soon to be dreadful day.  My mom always bought the good coffee for the holidays.  This was one reason that I loved Christmas.  I quickly pulled on some sweats and slid my feet into my slippers.  I padded down the stair case and headed straight for the mug cupboard in the kitchen.

I poured my coffee and breathed in the only perfection I knew this Christmas was going to bring me. 

“Oh honey, I didn’t know you were up.” My mom said.

“You know me and coffee.” I smiled at her.

“I know this is your favorite right?”

“Yeah it is, thanks mom.”

“No problem sweetheart.” She smiled and gave me a hug.  “When you’re done with the coffee do you think you could do a quick shovel of the driveway and the walk? We got another inch or so and I want to avoid any injury.”

I nodded.  My 10 minutes of bliss spent with my hot coffee and the newspaper quickly came to an end.  I slid my boots on and grabbed my floppy eared beanie.  The sun was out so I went without my jacket.

The crisp air hit my skin but I quickly got acclimated to it.  I grabbed a shovel off of the wall and got to it.  Shoveling was peaceful to me.  I could think, sing and just not worry about anything-all while toning my arms and working out my core.  I laughed at myself.  I sound like a damn infomercial.  As I neared the end of the driveway the blare of a car horn scared the shit out of me.  I jumped in the air and when I tried to land I lost my footing and ended up on my back on a snow drift, with the shovel lying next to me.

The car pulled up the driveway and parked near the garage.  I didn’t want to move.  I was too embarrassed.  The snow was soaking my shirt but at the moment I didn’t care.  I heard the door of the car open. 

He was laughing at me.  “Hey snow bunny.  I forgot how graceful you are!” He called. 

I sat up and glared at him.  “Shut up.” I said. The first words I’ve said to him in nine months are ‘shut up’? I sighed as I got on my feet and went back to shoveling.  He went around to the other side of the black SUV and helped a woman out of the car.

I heard her petite chuckle and the quietness of her voice thanking him for opening her door.  He grasped her hand and led her down the driveway towards me.

Yes, I was going to meet her while wearing wet sweats.  Way to go.

“Scar?” JC asked getting my attention. 

I smiled. “Yes?”

“Scarlett, Amanda, I’m sure you remember each other.” JC introduced.  I stuck my hand out but she pushed it to the side and hugged me.

“Nice to see you again!” She smiled.  I looked at her.  Her perfectly styled long blond hair and her petite frame to match her petite voice made me think of Sadie.  They were going to get along great.  I couldn’t help but inwardly chuckle at her movie-esque snow themed outfit she had on. 

“Yeah, you too.” I mumbled.  I looked at him.  He looked at me, then at her, then at me again.  I looked at her then to the ground.  I didn’t know what else to say. Awkward.

“Baby, I’m cold, do you think we could go inside?” Amanda asked.  Oh there is a God!  Thank you for getting me out of that awkward situation.

“Of course.” He smiled at her.  He grabbed her hand and led her inside.  I watched them walk away hand in hand.  Before he was completely in the house, he looked at me.  I smiled and he winked back.  Boy was I in trouble…

*

Sadie and my mother quickly warmed up to Amanda.  I almost hate to say this, but Amanda fits in better with my mother and sister than I do.  The three of them spent their day rotating spots in the kitchen and eagerly discussed the latest celebrity gossip, hair products and many other random topics.  I quickly felt the exclusion so I made my way to my room.   I didn’t think anyone would miss me.  The girls had each other; JC was with my dad and Mike.  Retreating to my room saved me from the possible awkward moments that potentially lay ahead.

I must have fallen asleep while working on my computer.  I woke up to a dark room and a quiet house.  I l felt around for my cell phone to check the time. 12:41 am.  I decided now was as good a time as any to get up and grab something to eat. 

Still dressed in today’s attire, I quietly padded down the stairs.  There was a soft glow of light coming from the kitchen.  I took the last steps around the corner and was met with the source of the light.  JC eating my cereal. 

“Hey you.” He said.

“Hi.” I walked toward the cupboard that held the bowls.

“I didn’t wake you did I?” He asked.

I turned to him with my hand still on the cupboard.  “No, I fell asleep earlier and just woke up.  I’m starving.”

“Cereal?” He asked.

“Yes, that’s my mission.”  I brought my dishes over the bar where he was sitting and set them across from him.  He poured my cereal and I doused it in milk-just like we always used to do.  I closed my eyes and shook my head trying to discard the thought.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I said quietly.  I sat down on the bar stool and stuffed my mouth full of cereal.  Apparently I wasn’t ready to be this close to him.

“You know, I haven’t really gotten to talk to you or see you really at all today.”

“Yeah, you were with my dad and Mike.  They can keep anyone busy.”

“That and you retreated to your room.” He matched.  Yes. Yes I did.  I never said I was any good at actually facing my problems.  So like any mature adult, I shrugged my shoulders.  “We used to be friends ya know? We hung out and did things together.”

“Used to is the keyword.” I muttered shoving another spoonful of cereal into my mouth.

“We promised we’d be friends still if we broke up.”

“How can I be friends with someone who I don’t respect?” I spat out. Shit, I didn’t really want to say that out loud.

“Respect? Really?” He quipped.

“Do you remember why we broke up?”

“Yeah, because you thought I was about to get busy with Amanda.”

“No, you admitted to wanting to get busy with her.  And now, look at that, you are.” I said trying to keep my voice even.  There was an anger boiling in me.

“That’s not fair.”

“What’s not fair? That I’m right?” I chuckled.  He looked at me and took a visible deep breath.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you.  I came here to get my best friend back.” He said quietly.

“This is the first time we’ve talked since everything happened.  You have to give me a break.  I mean you bring her here to my house and all anyone can talk about is how serious you guys are.  Hell, my mom is even counting on a proposal this Christmas.” I explained with my eyes fixated on my cereal.

“A proposal? Really?” He almost laughed.

“According to your mom, Heather and People Magazine, you guys are pretty serious.”

“We’re not that serious.  The article in People was management’s idea.”

“Gotta love tactical PR.”

“Yeah we had our own fair share didn’t we?” He laughed.

I smiled. “Yes we did.  I mean, heaven forbid I carry a huge bag in front of my stomach.”

“I missed you Scar.”

“I missed you too, Jace.” I looked in his eyes.  I think I melted all over again. “Winnie misses you too.”

“You and your dog.”

“Don’t hate.  You know you’re just jealous.”

“Of Winnie.  Yeah, I probably am.  I mean she got you all to herself the last few months.”

I choked on my last bite of cereal. “Don’t go there.  You know you could have been there or called or something.  You chose not to.  You chose her.”  This man puts me on such a rollercoaster!

“Trust me, I wanted to call you and hang out with you.  I just knew that everything I had to say wasn’t going to be good enough.”

“You were my best friend Josh.  I’ve known you since I can remember.  You were the one I always turned to when I was sad or mad or whatever.  But since you were the one making me feel like shit from stomping all over my heart, I had no one.  You could of at least tried.”  I stood up and forcefully pushed my stool under the counter.  I turned my back to him and retreated to the sink. 

JC followed me. “I know.  I’m sorry.”  He was right behind me.  I knew it.  I could feel him.  I could smell the remnants of his cologne he had applied earlier in the day.  I turned around to say something, but immediately my words got stuck.  My eyes met his and my mind went blank.  He opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it.  He took a step closer to me and placed his right hand on my hip.

I knew what was coming, but I couldn’t let this happen.  I put my head down and stepped to the side.  I quickly walked off and headed to my room.

*

Karen, Roy, Heather and Tyler arrived the next day.  I was so grateful for their arrival.  They helped my Christmas spirit.  My mom had latched onto Amanda like a leech and that left me pretty much alone.  Karen and I worked in the kitchen making cookies and other snacks.  The day was starting to feel almost normal.

Karen left me alone in the kitchen rolling out the sugar cookie dough.  I was preparing the cookies for the big day of cookie decorating tomorrow. 

“Mom ditch ya?”

I snapped my head up. “Your mom doesn’t ditch people.  She just conveniently leaves at the wrong time.” I laughed.

“Anything I can do to help?” Tyler asked.

Yeah, get Amanda out my house.  I smiled.  I looked straight ahead of me and saw him.  He was smiling.  His arm was tenderly around his mom.  His eyes caught mine and I quickly looked back down at the dough.   “Nah, I’m good.  Thanks Ty.”

He paused. “This has to suck for you.”

I chuckled.  “That it does. “ I said.  Suddenly, I was using the rolling pin as a tool to beat the crap out of the cookie dough.

“He’s kind of a d-bag for bringing her here.” He said grabbing a beer out of the fridge

 “No comment.” I said as I continued to stamp the cookie cutters in the dough.

Tyler smiled. “Beer?”

“I’m already armed.” I laughed signaling to my beer on the opposite counter.

“That’s my girl-getting an early start!”

“My mom hid the vodka telling me that it wasn’t a lunch liquor.”

Tyler and I both laughed. JC’s eyes were back in my direction and I held them in my gaze for just a second.

“Let me know if you need any help with anything.” Tyler called walking out of the kitchen.  I needed that beer again.  I took a couple of swigs and pretended that the only thing in life that mattered were these cookies.

The days leading to Christmas Eve were full of JC and I avoiding each other.  We’d share glances and an occasional smile.  To an outsider it might look as if we’re hiding this huge secret. I guess we kind of were, but I was trying to not read too much into it.

As everyone went up to their rooms for the night, I decided to stay downstairs.  I needed some cheering up or something to depress me.  I couldn’t figure out which it would be.  I headed towards the basement in search of the box. This box contained my life.  It was years and years of family movies. 

I started with our first Christmas in Colorado.  I laughed and smiled at the memories.  Life was so easy when I didn’t have to worry about anything.  I got to the year that I started to notice JC as a “hot guy” rather than my best friend.  The look I was seeing on the screen was the same look I’ve been sending him the last couple of days. 

I laughed at the videos of my teens and early twenties. I was trying to learn the basics of a flat iron and make up and rarely did I succeed.  So my uniform of my hair in a messy bun and shredded jeans was apparent for almost a decade.

I arrived on Christmas 2006.  I watched how he and I interacted.  I looked at the house-our house.  I missed it.  I looked at my face.  I was truly happy.  Now look at me.  In sweats at my parents house watching him with her. A tear made its way down my face.  I did nothing to stop it.

“What ya watchin?” His voice interrupted my thoughts.  I quickly turned the TV off wiped the tear from my face.

“Nothing.” I sniffed.

“No it’s not.  What’s making you cry?” He asked sitting next to me.

“Just thinking.  I’m good.” I lied.  He knew it. He took the remote from my hands and powered the TV back on.

We were met with images of he and I.  We were giving a toast; thanking our families for letting us host and for making the journey to California.  His hand was resting on the small of my back and my arm was snaked around his waist.  We looked happy and we were happy.  The screen flickered to the next video which was he and I snowboarding in Mammoth.

We sat there in silence watching ourselves.  The images flashing on the screen were memories of fun and happy times.  He and I did so many things together.  We documented everything.  Our Flip cams were glued to our hands.

We made it to Christmas 2009.  He paused the video.  “I can’t watch this part.” He said breaking the silence.

I turned in my seat so that I was facing him.  “Why?” I was curious. 

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this.”

“But you will.” I challenged.

“You’re right; you’ll get it out of me eventually.” He said.  He adjusted himself so he was facing me.  He knee bumped mine.  I felt this electricity go through me.  It was the first contact he and I had made in months.  I had forgotten what his touch did to me. “Sorry.” He mumbled.

“It’s okay.” I whispered not losing eye contact with him.

He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. “You’re going to be so upset with me.”

“I don’t think I can get any more upset with you than I already am.” I stated.

“That’s not comforting.” He smirked.  He sucked in some air. “I was going to propose to you that Christmas.” I gasped and stood up.  I took a few steps back.  I didn’t know how to react.  I took a couple of deep breaths. “I talked to your dad and got his blessing and everything.”

My face fell.  “Then why didn’t you?”

“You’re mom told me not to ruin Christmas dinner by making the spotlight be on you and I.  It was a time for families to shine together, not individually.” He put his head in his hands.

I had to sit down.  I felt as if I was about to suffocate. I don’t know what I was more shocked at-my own mother keeping me from getting engaged, or the fact that he was going to propose.  I sat on the far end of the couch.

“I decided I would respect her wishes.  I figured I would do it before I left but everything just got so chaotic with the tour looming.  I wanted it to be perfect.  Something that would make the girls jealous.” He smiled.  I smiled at him.  That was the one requirement I had for him. If he were to propose the proposal had to give me bragging rights.  He looked at me.  “You surprised me that day in Chicago.  Little did you know that I was coming to LA that Friday so I could surprise you and propose.”

“Well, that didn’t happen.” I murmured.

“No, it didn’t.  I still came home, but I saw the moving van in the driveway and I figured I lost any chance of us.”

We sat there and stared at each other.  He moved closer to me.  Our eyes never lost sight of each other.  “I’m glad you told me, but part of me wishes you hadn’t.  It just makes all of this so much harder.”

“Makes what harder?” He asked softly.

“This!  Being around each other.  You being here with that stupid bit-girl.” I said.  “Why did you have to bring her here?  I mean you could have brought any other girl, but you had to bring her? The reason why you and I are the way we are now.”

“I don’t know.  She wanted to come and meet my family.”

“She hasn’t met your family?” I asked.

“No.  My family hasn’t wanted to.” He said.

“Why?”

“They’re mad at me for how I handled the situation.”

“I’m mad at you too.” I smirked.

“Why did you think I was cheating on you?” JC blurted.

“That stupid lipstick smudge and the way you guys looked at each other.  It was like watching two animals about to swing at each other.” I started.  “I knew you hadn’t cheated, but it appeared that you were about to.”

“I guess my comments didn’t help the situation.”

“No, they didn’t.”

I looked at him.  He looked at me.  “Things would be so different right now if that hadn’t happened.”

“Yeah they would be.” I responded.

He started to lean into me “Let’s make them different.” He whispered just before his lips crashed onto mine.  My hands quickly found the back of his neck.  I pulled him closer to me.  I wanted this. I needed this.  He held me close and cupped my face.  He knew just how to push my buttons to keep me wanting more.

He slowly pulled back and smiled at me.  I couldn’t help but smile at him.  “I’ve wanted that for about 9 months now.” I smiled.

“Me too.” He agreed.  “Shall we finish the video’s?”

“We shall.” I leaned into him.  Our bodies molded to each other like they had never been apart.

We had slowly drifted off to sleep without a care or a thought about the people upstairs.

*

“Kids, get up.” I heard.  My brain didn’t process it as something that needed me to get up.  “C’mon guys.  You need to get up.” This time I felt someone shaking me.  I felt JC move.  I opened my eyes. Karen.

“Hey Karen.” I said.

“Good morning guys.  I think you guys might want to get up before anyone sees you.” She cautioned.  I looked at JC and I.  We were tangled up and laying on the couch.

“Crap.” We both said.  We quickly unwound ourselves.  “Thanks, Karen.” I smiled and headed towards the kitchen.  I started the coffee then headed upstairs.  I gathered my shower stuff and padded towards the bathroom.  I needed the hot water.  I needed to make sure last night happened.  I started to put shampoo in my hair when there was a knock.

“Scar, I’m coming in.” I heard.  I felt the cool breeze that the bathroom door let in and suddenly the shower curtain was ripped open.  I went to cover my necessities.

“I always liked this look on you.” He smiled.  I flung some shampoo bubbles at him.  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I had to talk to you.”  My face fell.  “Don’t worry, it’s all good.  I just need to know one thing.”

“What’s that?” I asked quietly.

“Last night, the kiss.  It means something right?”

“Yes.” I smiled.  He leaned in and kissed me quickly. 

“Good.” He said.  “Now shower.  You smell like shit.”

“Only cause I was next to you all night.” I said laughing.  He smiled and shut the curtain.  He let himself out of the bathroom.  I went back to showering.  I heard voices and pounding and figured I’d take my sweet time.  I didn’t want to get wrapped up in all of this. 

But I had to.  The hot water was quickly dissipating.  I wrapped myself in a towel and opened the bathroom door.  I poked my head out to make sure I wasn’t going to be in the line of fire.

Even though it was Christmas morning, I felt it necessary to barricade myself until the situation was resolved.  If the raised voices and banging around was any indicator, I was doing everyone a favor.  I took my time getting dressed.  I sat on the window seat looking out at the mountains.  Everything was covered in snow.  It was beautiful.  It was peaceful.

Scratch that.  I saw JC and Amanda walk out of the house and down the driveway.  She was flailing her arms around and he was pulling her luggage.  Her luggage?  I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it was evident that she was upset.  Before long, a yellow van marked Taxi pulled up.  He helped load up the luggage and handed the man some money.  He put Amanda in the van and it drove away.  He watched it leave and quickly started to run back up to the house.

I left my seat and headed out of my room and down the stairs.  I met JC in the foyer.  “What happened?”

“I told her that it wouldn’t be right for her to be here as my girlfriend when I have feelings for someone else.” He said coming to me.  He put his forehead on mine.  “She’s headed back to LA.” He said quietly.

“She didn’t take it well.”

“No she didn’t, but right now I don’t want to think about that.”

“I’m okay with that.” I smiled.  He put his hands on my cheeks.

“I love you.” He smiled.

“I love you.” I said closing the gap between us.

Merry Christmas to me.  I couldn’t help but smile against his lips.  This Christmas could have totally sucked and was looking like it was going to, but in the end, it worked out better than I could have ever imagined!