It's all false love and affection
You don't like me you just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

I really wanted pickles and it was bothering the shit out of me that I couldn’t even pick up the jar I was staring at.

It was the brand of pickles I threw at his stupid face the last time I was staying with him. Much like that eight ball at Frank's, I unfortunately missed. A part of me thought that if I fucked up his face, I’d be able to walk away from his shit, but another part of me knew I’d nurse his ass back to health and stay, overwhelmed with guilt.

I felt a jolt of helplessness in the form of chill because he had ruined pickles for me and that was bullshit. I grabbed the jar of kosher dills, feeling the urge to smash it against the ground, when a familiar back caught my eye. The hairs on my neck stood up and I held my breath, feeling my fucking heart pounding against my chest.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" I mumbled to myself, ducking behind the low shelves of condiments, peaking over yellow mustard to watch him grab a bag of cheese curls from the chip rack. Hair buzzed, cotton button up wrinkled like he just rolled out of bed... He was going to fucking kill me was my initial thought. I shouldn’t have kicked him in the balls, but if I had let him kiss me, I would’ve been fucking him against that wall and back at his place without a second thought.

And I wasn’t too proud to admit that those shit rumors about him and Becky would’ve ceased to bother me, much like the other rumors of him and all the sluts in this too small town.

"What the hell are you doin’, Crystal?" I whipped around at the sound of my name, slapping my hand over Tina’s mouth as she mumbled against my palm, rolling her eyes. She looked eerily like my mother in that moment, a hand on her wide hips and a scowl on her pudgy face. I could see the freckles across her nose as she flared her nostrils in what I could only assume to be annoyance.

"Shh…" I shushed, checking over my shoulder to make sure he still wasn’t facing me. Sure enough, he was checking out jars of dip, still unaware of my panic attack. "We have to go…Now!" I whispered, taking her basket of goods from her hands and gently resting it against the floor. I watched her narrow her green-blue eyes at me before I felt the unmistakable pinch of teeth. I yanked my hand back, hissing in pain as she wiped her mouth, grabbed her basket, and blew her choppy bangs from her face.

"Look, I have kids to feed," she said, not bothering to whisper despite my frantic hand movements, "No, bitch, don’t shush me," she said, seeming to get louder.

"C’mon, Tina!" I hissed, turning around again to check, but he was nowhere in sight. I felt myself panic. Even though I didn’t want to see him, it was easier to know where he was. My eyes quickly flashed about the quaint General store. The shelves were shorter than me, so he couldn’t hide anywhere but behind the bread rack across the room, but I didn’t see him there either.

"You cannot hide from him; it’s Millington!" Tina stated a-matter-of-factly and I couldn’t argue. This town felt like a two block stretch when you were trying to lay low...but a light bulb went off in my head as I remembered her Jeep was parked right out front. It was new and Justin would never think to look in the parking lot for me.

"Gimme the keys," I said, already digging in her black shorts, my fingers getting stuck in her tight pockets. I could tell by the look on her face that she was more bothered by the fact that I could feel how tight they were rather than my freaking out, so I let her slap my hands away.

"I’m done now," she grimaced, readjusting her clothing, including her snug tank top. "I just gotta grab some milk." I glanced back at the line of refrigeration by the bread rack, almost considering getting the milk myself, but I couldn’t get it; what if he was hiding behind the bread after all?

"I’ll get your spot in line," I decided, taking her basket and practically running up to the front. I didn’t miss the roll of her eyes, but I didn’t give a shit. She could run into Justin if she fucking felt like it, not me. I refused, which is why I watched every aisle as I moved to get my place in line. Only two people ahead of me with three or four things. I let go of the breath I was holding.

"I think you owe my dick an apology." I gasped when his breath warmed my ear, nearly making me drop the basket. I rolled my eyes at myself, wanting nothing more than to smack the assholes of the universe that planned for this shit to happen. I didn’t bother turning around, knowing he was smirking by the way he spoke.

"I don’t owe you shit," I grumbled, pushing down the butterflies in my gut as I adjusted the hem of my black t-shirt. I realized it was the same Rolling Stones shirt he got me for my birthday last year.

Fuck.

I felt him chuckle when he took a step forward, lining his body against mine before I could sense it. I wondered if he was laughing at the shirt or my comeback as I involuntarily shivered. He was much warmer than the AC surrounding me.

"Crystal, Crystal, Crys...tal…" he purred, his hand touching my shoulder lightly. My whole body reacted to the way my name sounded coming out of his mouth. I flashed back to all those nights I made him whimper my name, pressed up against the bathroom door and that time we broke the coffee table... I tried to control the electricity, but he ran his fingers up my arm and I felt him brushing my hair off my shoulder. "Come home, baby..." he whispered, kissing where my hair had lain. His lips were as soft as his words and my heart was pulled, calling out for his. "I miss you and I'm sorry..." I closed my eyes, my hands shaking so bad that I had to clench them into fist around the basket handle.

"Shut up," I said, without much conviction. The line moved up and I took a huge step forward. Justin was right behind me, his belt buckle pressed against my ass. Damn I wanted to unhook that fucking belt because he smelled so good and I knew how good it would be... If only I could fuck him and leave, life would be easy.

"You gonna tell me you don't miss me?" he asked tauntingly and I felt myself caving in because I was two seconds away from promising that this would be the last fuck and I'd move on, but I had said that too many times and I was still in this damn mess.

He knew what he was saying; he knew how to make my belly get all weird. I should've been angry that he was using the same old game, pushing all the same buttons, but it was making me smile a bit because I liked that he still could do that. He still managed to charm me after all the shit. I had to give him some credit for that, even though it tore me apart by the end of the day. There weren't any guys who could do. This town bored me; men bored me. I got some tired of things easily and I didn't trust much to begin with. Justin had gotten under my skin before I got smart and it was an intolerable itch I had yet to get rid of.

I guess I was an emotional masochist. I put myself in these fucked up situations because Justin was Justin, and it wasn't a good excuse, but it was all I had.

His lips were on my neck now, working up to my ear and I tried to remain composed, but I felt myself leaning back into him... "Mmm...come on, baby..." he moaned against my lobe, "I fuckin' need you." Shit... I nearly let the basket slip from hands, realizing I was in public again, but still not giving a shit.

It had been a week since the bar incident and Mike, Justin's victim, hadn't returned my calls. I brushed him off, but now I wish I had fucked him at least. I was too fucking horny for this bullshit, and even though Mike certainly wouldn't be as good, it would've been something. Now my panties were getting soaked off his words because he was last person I fucked with and that was nearly a month ago. My hands could only do so much...

But I forced my horniness down, remembering Mike's bloody face and the way Justin's dumbass dropped me on the cement outside the bar. I remembered how sore I was the day after and the bruises around my wrists from his forceful grip... That was enough to make me whip around and shove him back with one hand, steadying the basket with another.

"Fuck off, Justin," I growled, "I mean it." He looked annoyed for a moment when he nearly knocked down the old man behind him, who he quickly apologized to, insisting that he’d move ahead of us. I watched the way he smiled, making himself forgiven by the old man in a split second. It made me sick that he was so fucking smooth. I bet that's how he got all those fucking bitches on their knees while I was stuck in his apartment, cleaning up his shit.

I felt my blood boil and I remembered exactly why his dick wasn't worth it...because that dick had been in just about every girl who ever smiled his way. The whole town took me for a fool because I kept taking him back. I couldn't get a week with him without some whore smiling at me with her I had your man grin.

"Crystal -" Justin began his cooing, but I cut him short.

"Don't," I said distastefully, "Call one of your whores, Justin. I'm not doin' this shit anymore." I turned back around, moving up again as the line progressed. Justin came up beside me, sighing.

"Wouldn't you rather fuck me?" he said, making me glare at him, his smirk in full swing when I focused on his baby face. He had shaved, so he was smooth skinned and looking like he did when we first met. Back then, had you told me we'd end up here, I wouldn't have believed you. I couldn't believe that face was capable of all the shit he put me through over the last three years.

I could feel my temper flaring though; I was getting angry with myself, and I knew that's what he wanted. He knew that if I got mad, we'd fight and get kicked out and be alone outside. Then he'd have me in the small alley behind the store, pressed up against another brick wall...That wasn't happening.

"Whatever, Justin," I said through gritted teeth as he pretended to check his nails.

"I'm just saying... I'd rather be with you," he tried again like that shit was helping.

"I'm happy to be at the top of your bitch list," I grimaced, rolling my eyes because I was fueling my own fire by continuing this conversation. "Shouldn't you be working?" I asked, realizing it was only three in the afternoon and Eddie's Shop didn't close until six. Justin was one of his best mechanics, so he should've been there, working overtime like he always did... or at least that's what he claimed.

"I didn't go in today," Justin said, trying to sound nonchalant. It was completely unnatural and stiff, so I knew he wasn't telling me something. I glanced at him through the corners of my eyes, letting the lady behind me go ahead as we moved up one space.

"Why?" I asked, despite my better judgment, but Justin shrugged, falling silent, which could only mean one thing. "Is Steve all right?" Justin was a dickhead and a selfish prick with no regard to anybody's feelings but his own, but when he did choose to care, he was legit. I only knew he was capable of real love because of how he treated his family, more specifically his little brother. Steve was only seven, but was suffering from some type of bone disease Justin didn't fully understand. He was just in and out of the hospital from time to time, some days better and some days worst. Justin was working hard to pay his medical bills, so if he wasn't working, something was wrong.

With the look on Justin's face, I could tell I knew he probably spent a better part of the morning at Children's hospital. I now saw why he was the first one to come back. Depending on how shitty our lives were, one of us would step up to the plate and show up to the other one's doorstep or job or what have you. Since I had kicked Justin in the nuts, I was almost certain he'd hold out to find me unless it was to throw me down and kick my ass, but he only went a week which meant his world was going to shit.

"He couldn't get out of bed for three days," Justin finally mumbled out, sounding like a little kid, "We took him to the ER this mornin'..." My heart wept automatically because he was hurting more than he'd admit, which hurt me more than I'd ever say. "I just ain't been sleepin' well... I'm all over the place with Steve and you and... I dunno, Crys. I just want something good to happen... I just want to be with you and feel better again..." Had a stranger overheard this, it would've seemed sweet and sincere, but I knew better. I knew the man for who he actually was.

"You mean you want sex," I corrected and his whole body went rigid. I knew he was pissed at me for being so blunt, especially since it was true, but what the fuck ever. I wasn't a comfort, I was an easy lay and his housemaid. He wanted someone to cook and clean for him while he went bar hopping; fucking anything in sight until he came home to a warm meal and a warm bed.

"That's not what the fuck I meant and you know it," he said quietly, but harshly. I felt like everybody was still looking at us, so I pushed him out of line and stepped out of the way of the customers behind us. I made sure I got us in the corner by the jars of homemade jam before even bothering to speak. Justin looked confused and threatened, which was hilarious. I guess he thought I'd toss a jar of strawberry preserves at his big ass head. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Look, you fucking bastard," I started out so he wouldn't see me getting soft, "I'm sorry about Steve, and you know that, but I'm not gonna hop on your dick because I feel sorry for you. That shit you pulled last week cost me a real nice guy who's never gonna speak to me again because he thinks I have some psycho boyfriend I'm cheating on -"

"His pussy ass ain't deserve you no way," Justin interrupted, "He wouldn't fight for you, Crys. He took that shit and ran. Do you want that?" I narrowed my eyes at him and shook my head. He was the fuck delusional.

"You weren't fighting for me, you were fighting for your fucking self," I corrected, hating that he was patting himself on the back for being an obnoxious prick. I watched his face fall at my revelation, "Justin, you don't care about me and I see that now. You just want what you can't have -"

"I can have you, Crys," he interrupted again with his cocky ass smile, grabbing my hips to his. I gasped from the shock of the movement, making his grin wider before I pushed his face back, making him stumble.

"That's exactly what I'm talking about," I said, ready to drop the damn basket to beat his ass up, "You're such a dick, Justin. You're never gonna be able to think with your big head because you're too busy thinking with your little one." I rolled my eyes, groaning in frustration as I counted backwards from ten. This is why I was in therapy for most of last year. This is why my pressure is probably above and beyond its limits.

"Babe, you're right," Justin said softly after a moment, but I had looked away in the mist of composing myself, "Baby, I'm sorry, really. I'm just upset and you're the only person I can come to..." I glanced back at him, his blue eyes shining in the store lights. He looked pathetic with his hands at his side and slouching. Too bad I had seen that look too many times.

"You mean I'm the only person you can cum with," I corrected, turning to head back towards the line, "Go home, Justin." I heard him growl from behind me before he yanked my arm back, nearly making me drop the basket with the force of his pull.

"I'm not fucking beggin' you, Crystal, I'm telling you to get your ass in my car," he demanded, which was so very Justin of him. Of course when being smooth and pleading didn't work, he thought he could bully me into doing what he wanted. This fucker had another thing coming.

"You got two seconds to get your fuckin' hands off me," I threatened and even though I didn't have a plan, I had enough pent up aggression to fuck him up, jar or no jar. Justin stared me down, stilling holding onto my arm with a grasp that was sure to leave more bruises. "One..." I counted off real slow and Justin glanced over my shoulder, probably at the faces burning holes into the back of my head, watching us from the register.

"Fine," he grumbled, letting me go roughly. I examined my arm, seeing the imprint of his hand fading, "You can stay, but I'm not fucking coming back to you, Crys." I rolled my eyes.

"You make that sound like a bad thing," I called back as I made my way to the end of the line. I didn't bother turning because I knew Justin had followed. He was too stubborn to leave a fight without him winning.

"You think I'm kidding?" he badgered on as I ignored him, "You're not gonna ever see me again."

"And yet you're still here." The voice wasn't my own, but Tina's comeback was hard not to smile at. I glanced behind me to see her rolling her eyes with a gallon of milk and two boxes of Capon Crunch in her arms. I thanked the Lord for her presence and I could see Justin rolling his eyes to the heavens. I smiled.

"So much for just milk," I teased, pushing Justin out of her way.

"I was looking for some honey, but they had some raspberry something, something..." Tina said busily, grabbing the basket from my hand when she placed the milk and cereal in it. "Justin." Her greeting wasn't cheerful, but I was surprised she had even said anything at all as we finally reached the cashier. I looked back at Justin as he glared at the back of her head.

"Christina," he said, just as stiffly, "You're looking stunning today. Have you lost weight?" It took everything in me not to punch him square in the face. He knew Tina had gained weight from baby Dylan nearly two years ago and she couldn't find the time to work it off yet. He was such a fucking asshole.

"Yeah, I did actually," Tina said, paying Roger for our food before looking back at Justin, "And it looks like your big ass head found it."

"Ha," Justin said drily, turning back to me, "Can we talk?"

"Talk?" Tina cut in before I could answer, receiving her change from a frightful Roger whose pubescent acne blotched skin redden more as the argument unfolded. "Don't you mean sweet talk her into ruining her life?" I felt my face flush with embarrassment when Mrs. Gabeline glanced away when I caught her staring from behind Justin's back. The way her gray curls bounced was a dead give away to her nosiness.

"How is our relationship any of your got damn business?" Justin snapped. His chest was puffed out in his 'manly' defensive way. I ushered Tina toward the door in hopes of ceasing the conversation.

"Relationship?" Tina laughed without a hint of amusement and I felt overwhelmed by their voices and the eyes on us. It was bad enough I went into Rite Aid this morning and had Mr. Riley, the supervisor, ask me if Justin and I worked out our 'little scuffle' after Frank's. This town was smothering me as is, and having them bicker wasn't helping matters. "Is that what you think this bullshit is? A relationship?"

"Oh and you know how it works, right?" Justin laughed, bitterly, "How's Mitch, doin' then?" I felt a sharp pain in my chest before I punched him in his, making him grunt.

"Justin, take that shit back!" I demanded, finally finding my voice and getting more looks as Mrs. Gabeline whipped her head around again when I caught her eye. I couldn't believe he had stooped that low. Tina was just getting over that divorce and I felt guilty for even telling him about it.

"No, it's okay, Crys," Tina said, grabbing my hand to keep me from swinging at him again, "Justin doesn't understand the concept of learning to walk away when something isn't working. He doesn't know how to not be a selfish dick."

"Whatever, Tina," Justin said, waving her off, and turning back to me, "You comin' or not?" I scoffed at the very idea of walking out with him, especially now.

"Not, asswipe," I cussed, taking the grocery bag from a smiling Tina, "Let's go." I turned my back to Justin, walking off faster as Tina followed, calling out a very cheerful 'goodbye'. We made it out to the car, her Jeep not too far off from the door. I placed the bag in the back seat when she unlocked everything with her remote as she climbed in, starting the ignition.

I felt myself rushing like a fugitive because Justin was bomb, ready to go off. He was angry from our discussion and I'm sure he was furious with Tina butting in. Me hitting him in the chest was momentarily disregarded, but I'm sure he was hyping himself up on that now that I refused to leave with him, making him have to stand in the middle of the store left behind, embarrassed, and hurting about Steve. I knew the mechanics of his brain and we had just seconds before he'd come out of that store like a bat out of hell.

I hopped into the passenger seat, hitting the power locks as Tina hit the gas. We both jumped when Justin's fist smashed against the glass of my window, a small crack appearing as he cussed, kicking her bumper as she sped off. I rolled my eyes, not bothering to look at Tina because I knew she had that face that said she couldn't take much more of our shit.

"I'll pay for that," I said, staring at the newly cracked window, noticing a speckle of blood, "I'll pay for it." Tina sighed like my mother too, turning on the radio to the news station, ignoring me.

I bit my bottom lip, sitting back in my seat and sighing as well.